Original subtitles

(school bell rings)

(energetic pop music)

♫ I'm amazed at the things that you say

♫ I'd heard it all before, just another day

♫ January, February all the same

♫ March, April, May's coming back again

♫ Oh, why

♫ 'Cause it's the worst year of my life again

♫ It's looped around and pulled me back in

♫ Now yesterday has come again, oh, no

♫ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♫ The worst year of my life again

(alarm buzzing)

(groaning)

(upbeat music)

(school bell ringing)

- Math normally goes next to science,

but the colour blends in much better with my poetry book.

- You take locker sorting way too seriously.

(gasps)

- You did that on purpose!

- What, sneak up on you and scare you half to death?

Why would I do that?

Why would anyone do that?

Anyway, have you heard the news?

- That there are fewer than 150 New Zealand kakapo parrots

left in the world?

I know, it's depressing.

- No, Will Berry's got chickenpox.

- What?

- Yeah, sick as a dog, highly contagious.

- Yes, that's fantastic. - Why is that fantastic?

- Because he's Romeo in the school play

and the first dress rehearsal is tonight.

So the understudy will have to step in.

I'm Romeo and Nicola is Juliet.

- Yay, exciting.

- I know it is, isn't it?

And you know what happens in Romeo and Juliet, don't you?

- They die? - Yes, they die, no.

Well, yes, but before they die, they get to kiss, heaps.

Me and Nicola are finally going to get somewhere.

How awesome is that?

- So, to you, one of the greatest works

of English literature is just an excuse for a pash?

- What's your point? - Don't get too excited.

A lot could happen before tonight.

An infected monkey could break out of a research facility

and infect everyone to make them mindless zombies.

- Nothing's going to happen.

- That was a whole lot of nothing.

- Oh, my nose!

- I find out you've been bleeding on the floor, King,

you're in a lot of trouble.

- Uh, you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - Good.

Because this is my big break, and if you're not up to it--

- It's nothing, it's just a graze.

(Nicola scoffs)

(Nicola groans)

- Can you believe he did that?

- Right before your big break.

- It's just snot.

- Smooth.

Very smooth.

Looking good.

Nice hat.

Pointy!

- Nicola, you're the perfect Juliet.

- So mediaeval.

- Um, Nicola?

Don't worry, I'm not going to wipe snot on you.

Unless I get whacked in the nose again.

- Which you will get in a minute.

- Haven't you done enough?

Nick off.

- I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

- I'm not talking to you.

- Won't that make the play a bit quiet?

- Oh, I'll act with you.

Unlike some people, I'm a professional.

But that's it.

Now, I need to get into character of the star-crossed lover

who'll do anything for her beloved Romeo.

So, could you please just go?

- Ah, sure, okay.

- So, ah, as your co-associate producer--

- Attention, please!

- Attention for the director, please.

- Uh, they were paying attention.

- Yes, I know.

I was just...

You're welcome.

- Romeo and Juliet.

What's it about?

- Passion.

- Love.

- It's about hate and intolerance

and how it can defeat even the purest soul,

no matter how the soul is filled with hope and desire.

What are you all waiting for?

The balcony scene.

- Did you hear that?

The kiss between Romeo and Juliet

represents the battle against injustice.

- Oh, so you won't be kissing Nicola in a selfish way.

You'll be pashing for world peace.

- Say what you like.

I don't care because I get to kiss Nicola.

Everything is going to plan.

- Oh.

- Not again.

- Is that part of the plan, Alex?

I don't get it.

- Is everything all right?

- Uh, fine.

I've just, um, I've hurt my nose and I think it's bleeding.

- Good.

No, use the pain.

Ignore the critics.

They're just jealous of your dazzling artistic vision.

Now they didn't think of doing Shakespeare nude

on skateboards first.

Positions.

Scene two, Act two, night.

Romeo sneaks into the Capulet orchard

to declare his love for Juliet.

Play on.

(gentle instrumental music) (clattering)

But soft!

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

- Radical interpretation.

- He's playing hard to get.

- More like gross to get.

- Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

- What shall I swear by?

- Do not swear at all.

- If my heart's dear love.

- And now kiss.

Ugh, not again!

(sneezing)

(laughing)

- Poor Nicola! - That's totally disgusting.

- Right in the face.

Nice one!

- I'm going home.

- I can get you a tissue!

- Don't even talk to me about tissues.

- Get her back or you'll be playing Juliet

and Toby will be your Romeo.

- Nicola!

- Oi, King, what's this?

I'm pretty sure no swords in the playground is one

of the basic school rules.

I'll hang onto this for the time being.

- But it's a prop for the school play.

You're right, you can probably hang on

to it better than I can.

- Rehearsal's postponed till six.

They're fitting Toby's costume now.

- I can still make it.

- Be careful with that.

I just had the bell tuned!

Show off.

(energetic instrumental music)

Whoa!

Ah!

Sorry!

Oh, hot!

Hey, what a coincidence.

- What do you want?

- The play needs you.

The whole school needs you.

You're a star,

a dazzling light of shining beauty, oh, bright angel.

- Well, okay.

But first, I need to freshen up and change my clothes.

- Allow me.

- No!

Bieber, come back!

- Don't worry, I'll get him.

Oh!

(dog barking)

(dog whining)

(brakes squeal)

(alarm buzzings)

(school bell ringing)

- Math normally goes next to science.

- But the colour blends in much better with the--

- Not listening, not listening.

I will not allow my life to be controlled

by the improper knowledge of events.

- Hello!

- You did that on purpose.

- Did you hear the news?

Course you did. - I have, too.

We should have used your leap year

to help build a sanctuary for those poor creatures,

and made the world a better and kind place.

- He's not talking about the kakapo parrots.

He's talking about the fact

that Will Berry has a contagious disease

which means that I get to play Romeo in the school play.

- Very clever.

So, come on.

How'd you manage to mess it up last time?

Did you insult Nicola

and end up kissing some dweeby little year seven with zits?

- No way!

Toby's in year eight.

But, I got out of that anyway.

- Don't tell me, you and Nicola actually snogged?

- Close.

I sneezed in her face and killed her dog.

- What part of the play's that?

- But it doesn't matter anyway,

because this time I'm going to get my snog

and no animals are going to be hurt in the production.

Because the universe holds no secrets from me.

- Oh, not again. - No, I, Alex King,

am the master of my own destiny.

Watch and learn.

It's as simple as.

A, B, and C.

- Oh, Alex, are you okay?

- Oh, that destiny will get you every time.

- It's okay.

My nose is okay.

- You don't snog with your nose, mate.

Unless I've been doing it wrong all these years.

What?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Good.

Because this is my big break.

If you're not up to it. - It's nothing.

It's just a graze.

- Okay.

Come on, then.

Don't want to be late for rehearsals.

- [Woman] Can you believe he did that?

- [Woman] Right before your big break.

- Rehearsals, Nicola, pashing.

Going to make it!

- Other way. - Oh, I know.

- Alex, you should really go to sick bay.

- Don't be silly, Simon.

- Simon?

- I love that guy.

- The nurse gave him the all-clear.

- She went a bit over the top with the bandages.

- He looks like a mummified zombie.

I like it.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear,

the tips with silver all these fruit tree tops.

- Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,

that monthly changes in her circled orb,

lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

- What shall I swear by?

- Do not swear at all, or if thou wilt,

swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry,

and I'll believe thee.

- If my heart's dear love.

- Radical interpretation!

- Back off if you want to keep your lips.

- I think he thinks Parker is Nicola.

If you squint your eyes and tilt your head,

there's definitely a resemblance.

- I'm over here.

(retching)

- Poor Nicola! - That's totally disgusting!

(screaming)

- I wonder if that hurt.

- Cate Blanchett never had to deal with anything like this.

- The sword bearer's still an important member of the cast.

- Don't even talk to me about casts.

- Bring on the stand-in Juliet.

What shall I swear by and get to the kiss.

- What shall I swear by.

Okay, good.

Um, now feel the emotion.

(mumbles)

Become the character.

- Well, he got a snog.

Should have known it would have been

with anybody but Nicola.

- Not anybody.

It says Juliet kisses him, not tries to eat him.

- I know!

She's not even a mummified zombie.

- That's enough, Hannah.

- My face! - Hannah!

Onto Act three.

- Can I take a break?

I have a headache and could we come back at six?

- Why not?

Oh, be my guest.

I bet Geoffrey Rush takes breaks all the time.

Kevin Spacey probably wanders off whenever he feels like it.

Off you go.

Get up.

- Nicola!

Ow!

Stop it!

Stop hitting me!

I'm pretty sure not hitting people with swords is one

of the basic school rules.

Oh, it's King.

Carry on.

- All I've ever wanted to do was act.

You don't know how hard it is being me,

having to live up to perfection.

But when I'm on stage, I can just forget about all that.

I can be someone else.

Now you've ruined everything.

Now I'll probably never be famous, or marry a footballer.

I hope you're happy.

- Well, I think your chances of a snog

with Nicola now are pretty much zero.

- The universe seems to want you in the play,

just not with Nicola.

So, maybe it's trying to tell you something.

- Yeah, it is, it's not about the snog.

My meddling with history has cost the hopes

and dreams of an innocent party.

I have to set things right.

I have to get Nicola back in the play.

- We could manufacture a cybernetic arm.

Or maybe a whole body transplant.

We just have to remove her brain.

- Forget it, mate.

Unless the rest of the cast break their arms,

I think she's going to stand out just a tiny bit, don't you?

- That's it!

Yeah!

- What?

- But we don't even know whose body he wants to transplant.

- Why don't we fight back?

- What are you talking about?

- Why don't we use Romeo and Juliet

to say we won't take it any more?

And by we, I mean everyone who's ever been laughed at,

or made fun of.

Like those of us who are forced to come to school

in casts or crutches or weird head-metal-brace-y things,

only to be mocked and ridiculed.

And I'm not just talking about broken bones, either.

I'm talking about the four-eyed spectacle wearers

and the acne-ridden.

I'm talking about the ginger-haired,

the freakishly tall, the cross-eyed,

those of us who have home haircuts or weird packed lunches.

Why don't we celebrate that diversity?

Aren't we all sick, lame, or deformed in some way?

That is nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all freaks.

We should be proud of that!

(cheering)

- I haven't seen him this worked up since he campaigned

for longer sleep afternoons in kinder.

- That's the power of the snog.

- You!

Run to the sick bay and fetch all the plasters, bandages,

and crutches we've got.

You, go to costume and grab any of the ginger wigs we have.

And you, stay exactly how you are.

Bring me the Juliet with the broken arm.

Broadway, here I come!

(energetic instrumental music)

- Hey, you, you're paying for that.

What's your name?

(horn honks)

- [Man] Hey!

- Still got it.

Oh, chilli!

Bike.

Got to hide the bike.

Bieber.

Bieber!

(engine rumbles)

The bike!

Soft, what light through yonder window.

- Breaks?

Well, yes, it is now.

Like my arm.

You just don't know when to quit.

- I can't quit, and neither can you.

The play needs you.

The whole school needs you.

You're a star.

A beauteous light of shining dazzle, or something like that.

- Wait there.

If I leave Bieber alone in the house,

he uses every room as a toilet.

- Yeah, my sister's like that.

- Just don't shake him.

It upsets his bladder.

- I knew they couldn't do the play without me.

Oh, look, there's the bus, right on time.

It must be destiny, Alex.

Alex?

Do you think he saw us?

Looks like we have to walk.

What are you whingeing about?

You get to get carried.

(dog growls and barks)

- Oh, yes, that's right.

Make fun of the girl with the broken arm.

- We're not making fun of--

- No, we're embracing weakness and affliction

to celebrate the downtrodden and oppressed.

Another brilliant idea of mine.

Although throwing yourself off stage to try

and actually break a leg was taking it too far.

So, where's your Romeo?

- Ah, he's dog-sitting.

- What?

When there's theatrical history we need to create?

What are we supposed to do now?

I should have listened to my father and become a plumber.

- Anyone could play Romeo.

After sitting through all those endless rehearsals,

even I know the stupid thing backwards.

What?

- Act two, Scene two, night.

Play on.

- Do not swear at all.

Or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,

which is the god of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee.

- If my heart's dear love.

- And again, with feeling.

- That should be me.

- Are you sure about that?

- After everything I've been through.

I got chased by a bus, I fell in compost,

I almost got eaten by a huge dog.

And that's just today.

- [Maddy Recording] Stop messing with the universe.

The more you try and change things, the worse they get.

If you do things for your own benefit,

the universe will course correct

and push things back to how they were.

- Do not swear at all.

- You made a recording?

- Well, I got sick and tired

of saying the same thing over and over again.

(dog whines)

- Why are you so restless?

- Maybe it knows you killed it last time round.

Dogs are very intuitive.

- What's it picking up now?

Where are you going, you mutt?

(energetic instrumental music)

- Bieber, come to Mum!

Bieber!

- I've got him!

(dogs barking)

- Sit.

I like your energy.

- I got him.

I got him!

Bieber!

- Bieber!

- My leg.

I saved your dog.

- My Romeo.

Thank you.

(groaning)

I told you not to shake him!

- Ah, what part of the play is all this?

(gentle instrumental music)

- How would you like to play the lead

in an all dog version of Merchant of Venice?

- Cheer up, Alex.

Last time you killed a dog.

This year you saved a dog's life.

You're sort of a hero.

- And you did get Nicola back playing Juliet.

- And even though you didn't get to kiss Nicola,

you did get a kiss from her dog.

I guess you're getting closer.

- It's sort of less of a disaster than usual.

- Right, well.

I think I've had quite enough of this for one day.

I am off.

Where's my bike?

- Um.

(lively instrumental music)

- Why are you so restless?

- Maybe it knows it killed you.

Maybe you know it killed you last time.

- If my heart's dear love.

If my heart's dear love.