Original subtitles

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Airplane passing, men shouting ]

Come on! Let's go!

[ Shouting in German ]

I got him! I got him!

[ Shouting in German ]

Aah!

Shh.

Gunter?

Guten morgen.

[ Man speaking indistinctly ]

Man: Commandant!

Let's just get this over with.

Just kill me.

He wants to hear you squeal like a puppy.

Beg for your life.

Herr commandant!

Herr commandant.

Get down! Get down!

Get back!

[ Shouting in German ]

Now it's your turn to do some begging.

Please!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Coughing ]

Mom, this really isn't a good time.

Tell your mother to pick us up in an hour.

In an hour, you'll still be dead.

Can you pick me and dad up in an hour?

And you're not even supposed to have that.

I'm busy right now. I can't talk.

Like you're one to talk about the rules.

Excuse me? Listen.

It's not my fault you guys suck, okay? Goodbye, mom.

It's not my fault. Goodbye!

Pull back! Pull back! [ Gunfire ]

There's too many!

[ Explosion ]

[ Grunting ]

Man: That's it for today, folks.

Join us next week for the attack on the siegfried line.

Hey, there, death wish.

You got a name?

Bart bowland.

Bart bowland.

Name's Kelly ernswiler.

Nice to meet you.

Same.

Whereabouts you live?

Shaker heights.

You live in shaker heights? I'm from the same place.

What street?

It's outside shaker.

But...i go to shaker high.

Langley prep.

[ Laughs ] You don't go to Langley.

You go to Langley?

Well, I would've went to Langley.

If only my Polo pony hadn't died.

[ Clears throat ] Kelly, uh...

I've had three complaints about you today.

I mean, you go off script.

Y-You steal a uniform at knifepoint. So?

Well, the brigade's been talking.

And if you don't chill out,

we're gonna follow the regulatory procedures

for an official reprimand.

Ooh. The threat of bureaucracy. You got me shaking.

You know, we could all easily vote to permanently bar you

from any further partic--

he gets it, Duncan.

Don't waste your time. [ Clears throat ]

[ Sighs ]

So, is this willys yours? Oh, yeah.

If you're still feeling suicidal, I can run you over in her if you want.

I think the moment's passed.

All right.

Can I get a lift, though?

Want a lift? [ Engine turns over ]

I don't get it.

You go to the battles, but you don't like the rules?

Well, I mean, I never met a rule I didn't want to break.

So what's the appeal?

Ladies love a man in uniform, Bart.

My Langley uniform hasn't done much for me.

It's a theory, you know? It's yet to be proven.

♪ drowning in my ID

♪ always searching like it's on junk ♪

this is it here.

♪ no matter who I hang out with ♪

oh, well, of course it is.

What would a house be without a huge iron gate?

♪ ...Of the chains that pull the cars up ♪

♪ the roller coaster mountaintop so high ♪

♪ when it comes...

[ Music stops ]

You got quite a crib. You should come over some time.

You can service our lawnmower.

[ Chuckles ]

I would, but, uh, then I might soil my croquet whites. [ Laughs ]

You understand. Yeah.

See you around. All right. I'll see you next weekend, Bart.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Door closes ]

Sergeant Keller.

How was the war?

We win?

I'm making sandwiches for care house.

Hey, pull up a chair.

Eve: That's really nice, ming.

It's really coming along.

Son of Eve, you look very dirty.

Oh, this is nothing. You should see the other guy.

Don't touch anything, okay?

We're getting ready for the starving artists show.

Can I talk to you, please?

The gold has to be more feathery.

Like this. Not gloppy.

Okay? Now you try it.

Ma, do you know why we never have food in this house?

I'm not having that argument with you again.

Well, I'll tell you why.

Ming, now, you remember what we said about the eyes?

They need to have a little bit more empathy.

We really need people to feel like this horse

understands them, okay? Uh-huh.

That's why it's our biggest seller. I'll tell you why.

It's because your husband comes in here

and steals food from his own family

to feed every druggie in Cleveland

like it's not a problem.

Well, honey, pick up a paintbrush.

We're ordering pizza later.

No. Some people have to work, mom.

Can you drop this off at the cleaners for me?

Oh, sweetie, you know what we said

about paying for the war things.

We don't support that.

[ Silverware clattering ]

[ Sirens wailing in distance ]

I don't understand how you can reenact

the battle of the bulge in 72-degree weather.

Didn't all those guys freeze to death?

Well, a portable toilet fell on a couple of guys.

That's disgusting.

Well, war is hell.

Well, then why do you do it?

I feel you're never more alive

than when you're faced with simulated death.

Maybe I should try it sometime.

You're William James Raleigh of 101st airborne...

Hey! Pinned down in noville.

The Germans have the high ground whoa!

And are shelling your position heavily.

You're holed up in a stone barn, running low on ammo. Kelly!

The cries of wounded men fill the air like cries of hungry babies. Ow!

At 1:00 P.M., you lose radio contact with headquarters.

What do you do? What do you do? What do you do?

Kelly, stop it.

Battle of the bulge.

Southern shoulder, December '44.

Sorry I asked.

Hey.

At least I wasn't, you know, restocking rump roasts.

[ Bell ringing ]

Mr. Norway: I'd like to remind everybody

about our upcoming field trip to the battlefields.

Uh, so far only two of you have signed up.

Um...

Well, anyway, let's, uh, let's move on to gettysburg.

At gettysburg, the union soldiers,

they fought bravely on, giving their lives

so that we may enjoy the freedoms that we have today.

Bullshit. [ Coughs ]

Do you have something to say, Mr. Ernswiler?

Excuse me? No.

It seems that you do.

Come on. Isn't your analysis a tad simplistic?

I mean, maybe for a second-grade history class, fine.

But to characterize the civil war as some moral struggle, sir?

That's a joke. A joke?

Lance, you're not helping things.

Da-- Mr. Norway.

Well, we -- we -- we all have our own opinions.

Opinions? Soldiers were drafted.

And the only ones who didn't have to fight were the ones that could pay their way out.

Yes.

Why don't you ever talk about the draft riots, huh?

Why don't you show slides

o-of the victims tortured and murdered

by the bloodthirsty mob that was at those draft riots?

How can you teach something

that you don't know anything about?

Kelly, we have to stop meeting like this.

I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.

[ Sighs ] Listen.

I know that some of the teachers around here

can be pretty trying for you sometimes.

But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.

Why is that?

Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.

Is that what your box of tissues is for?

I see you're not going to college next year.

What are your plans?

How am I gonna get through to you?

Well, advertising executives use status and sex

to appeal to my demographic.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Indistinct shouting in distance ]

Hey, g.I. Jane.

You disrespected my dad. Give me a break.

I think you need to apologize to him. To that chump? No way.

Why are you dicking with me, you little dick?!

You want to play, dickface?

Wait.

You just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

That's pretty impressive.

Thank you.

Okay.

Let's see what little beetle Bailey

keeps in his knapsack that makes him so intelligent.

Yard-sale crap!

Stop!

Hey, private! Thanks for the hat.

[ Grunts ]

♪ today is gonna be a beautiful day ♪ [ Engine sputtering ]

No. Come on!

Foxy, it's me. Please.

Don't do this to me!

♪ ...The usual thing

♪ don't dare waste your time

[ horn honking ] [ Shouting ]

[ Tires screeching ]

♪ yesterday

♪ no more waiting for the usual thing ♪ [ Horn honking ]

Keep moving, assholes. Nothing to see here.

Bart: Nice one.

They should transfer you to the signal corps.

What happened?

Oh, man. Where do I start?

Well, I can't do anything about your Jeep.

But I can probably find you another hat.

Oh.

What?

Very impressive, man.

My dad's really into collecting.

What the hell?

What's this?

It's Grant's field flask.

He never went into battle without it.

You know what?

[ Sniffs ] Oh!

Your dad should really meet my history teacher.

The guy sent me up the river today

for questioning his g-rated interpretation of the civil war.

Here.

Take this. It'll shut him up.

Stonewall Jackson's.

What? [ Both chuckling ]

My dad's got so much junk crammed in here

he doesn't even notice when it's missing.

Before this, it was antique duck decoys.

Ah, here it is. [ Clears throat ]

I think it was Montgomery's.

It's yours now.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Harrison: Bart?

Bart?

Hey, dad. Hmm.

I was just, um, showing Kelly some of your pieces.

He's really into this stuff.

Oh.

Yeah.

Is -- is that a...A field stool from the New York 3rd?

My great-great-grandfather was in the New York 3rd.

That's amazing.

Kelly. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure. Knowledgeable young man.

[ Chuckles ] I try.

You know, I used to share your fascination for all things military.

Yeah, I can see.

Lately, though, I've been exploring

a somewhat lighter side of human culture.

Come on.

Um, I know I don't have to tell you, but put everything back as you found it.

The origin of nesting dolls is shrouded in mystery.

Some say the oldest are from China.

Still others say Japan.

I don't have any of those, but the ones I do have are from Russia.

And the Russians perfected the art of nesting dolls.

Now, this particular one here,

this is the crown Jewel of my collection.

It has 13 levels,

going all the way down to the teeny tiniest.

The baby.

Ruby.

Ruby. Huh.

Yeah. It's silly. I call her Ruby.

Because if you look closely at her two little eyes, they look like rubies.

My little Ruby baby.

Whoa! Oh, good god.

We should've just taken the damn hat.

We'll get you one.

Ah.

I-I, uh, I have to get a flashlight.

So why'd you let someone take it?

My hat? Oh, I didn't let anybody take it.

I just, uh, mouthed off to the wrong person.

Sounds like your mouth gets you in trouble a lot. It does.

Is mom here?

I need to go over the music with her.

Does it look like mom's here?

Your mom went shopping. She'll be back in about an hour.

Oh, tabby, have you met Bart's new friend Kelly?

Hi.

[ Mumbles ]

Whatever you do, do not give him any money.

Hey, shut up.

Hey, you shut up. He's wanted in three states.

That's funny.

We're paying attention to you now. You happy?

I'm really happy.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

Will you tell me when miner gets here?

Thank you.

Who's miner?

Fiance.

Aha!

Ruby.

Sarah: Oh, you know, that frozen-food lady came in today again with her kids.

Oh, yeah? They must eat out of

those little cardboard trays every day.

I think one of her kids even looks like a piece of cardboard.

You know we have more flavors of cat food here than we do baby food?

Really?

Yeah.

What do you think that says about our culture?

I don't know what it says. What do you think?

Mm.

I think working here is very depressing.

Well, then you should quit.

I mean, you could get any job you wanted to.

You think so? Heck, yeah.

Come on.

You're smart.

You got a good eye.

And you do the best promo stuff in this store.

Well...

I mean, the thing you did with juice boxes.

That was genius.

Thanks.

What are you gonna do? Enlist?

In the army?

And lose this?

No way.

Woman: Hello?! Are you crazy?

No way. Not happening.

Unh-unh. Hello?

If the store is closed,

it shouldn't have a sign that says 24 hours!

Okay. I'll be right there.

I don't want to be here when my coupons expire.

Okay.

Morning, private Ryan.

Like my new hat?

Yeah, actually. I got one just like it.

It's just mine's infested with lice.

Really? You're just a regular carrot top, aren't you?

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh, my god.

[ Kelly grunting ]

You know, one day, me and you are gonna be alone.

Won't that be nice?

Too bad my mom won't let me date yet, huh?

That's a good one, buddy. You got dental insurance?

Why do you mess with him? You're right.

I should give him a break. I mean it.

Man on TV: The allies launched a counteroffensive

two days before the new year.

Kelly, you're home. Thank goodness.

Move. [ Sighs ]

I need you to go to the art supply store for me.

I'm not going. Get Abe to do it.

Abe was going -- he had to lead a meeting at care house.

What do you need?

[ Sighs ] I phoned in the order.

Is it a big order?

No. Thank you.

It better not be a big order.

[ Cash register beeping, indistinct conversations ]

Kelly, right?

Hi.

Uh, so they're having a glitter sale...Looks like.

What happened to you?

What happened -- oh, my eye.

Uh, I had a tennis injury a while back.

No big thing.

So, you paint?

Uh, yeah, y-you know. It's a weird question to ask.

How so?

I don't feel comfortable calling anything done

since the renaissance painting, you know?

I mean, we might have more experimental interaction

with the picture plane, but as far as skills go,

you know, we're suffering a great deal.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Uh, so, uh, I-I got a question.

I see you're working with acrylics.

Mm-hmm. Why? Isn't oil much richer?

Oh, not another oil snob.

I'm not an oil snob. It's just isn't acrylic a bit jejune?

Jejune?

Yeah. Well, it means --

I know what it means.

How old are you, anyway?

Older than my years.

Really? Yeah.

And you paint?

Well, you know, my mom's an artist, so I --

oh, that explains it.

That explains -- what does that explain?

Wait, wait, wait.

Doesn't anybody believe in innate knowledge anymore?

I mean, you know, Michelangelo was 15 when he painted the inf--

uh, far-- far-- farness.

The infanta. Fanta. That's what I meant.

Well, actually, infantas are Spanish.

Michelangelo was Italian.

Spanish, yeah. Well, uh, exactly.

Y-You know, one world, one people.

Just like Jesse Jackson envisioned, you know? [ Cellphone ringing ]

Smart guy. Hi, sweetie.

Oh, I'm just running errands right now.

Yeah. I should be home in about an hour. [ Engine turns over ]

See you later. All right.

What the hell did I just say?

What the hell did I just say?

Jesse Jackson?

Christ.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad, get up. Aah!

Sorry.

Hey, pop.

Keller.

You know, a funny thing just happened to me.

I thought you were dead on the couch.

Oh, you mean Emmett.

Oh, they didn't have any empty beds at care house.

Emmett? Uh-huh.

So you bring him to our house?

Why don't you ever think about --

maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom.

Hmm? Or steal all of our furniture.

He needed a place to sleep tonight.

Well, having him here makes it feel more like home, anyway.

Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six.

That's a third of your life.

Big deal.

I've been straight the whole time.

[ Door closes ]

Skinny guy: That there's actual sand from iwo jima.

Or your sister's fish tank.

Well, it don't come with no certificate of authenticity.

Actually, I'm in the market for an airborne cap.

It's for my friend here.

I got one. Can't sell it to you, though.

You sure?

Has a lot of sentimental value.

Yeah. How much?

A lot.

What's this?

General ulysses s. Grant's field flask, my friend.

And if that's the collected works of baudelaire, throw it in.

We'll call it even.

Listen, Bart. I really don't need it that bad.

No worries.

See, you got it all wrong.

War is just failed diplomacy.

Well, if you hate it so much, why do you keep going to the battles?

Mm.

It looks good on college applications.

You're going to college?

I got no choice.

Mm.

What happened to your face?

Oh.

Uh, remember that guy Lance I told you about?

The same guy?

He's one pissed off little munchkin.

What are you gonna do about it?

Nothing.

Nothing? W-What do you mean, nothing?

On the battlefield, you were running around like Rambo on steroids.

That's different. I mean, that's just playing around, you know?

So?

Haven't you ever heard of the 193rd special operations wing?

Never.

You want to get this guy?

Target?

Lance Norway.

Objective?

Humiliation.

Rage. Despair.

Easy enough.

Nam's probably our go-to war for that sort of thing. Okay.

I got the declassified briefs

from the Phoenix project around here.

I knew my dad's crap would come in handy.

Hey, guys.

I've got some stretcher bars out in my car.

Do you think one of you can help me bring them in?

Of course.

We'll drop what we're doing because what you're doing must be more important.

It is.

Sure.

I mean, uh, I'll help.

Thanks.

What is your...

I'll find those reports.

Perfect. Thanks.

It's the waterfront.

No. As the viewer, I get to decide what it is.

And it doesn't look anything like a waterfront to me.

It's the light. I was playing with diffusion.

Put it away when you're done with it, all right?

Very funny.

This is really nice, though.

It must be nice to have a place like this to get away to, huh?

Yeah, it is. It's great.

So, w-what about farmer?

Farmer?

Yeah, the boyfriend.

Miner?

Miner. I'm sorry.

Miner. Okay. [ Chuckles ]

Well, what about -- is -- is he an artist, too?

So, you said your mom was a painter?

Oh, she used to be.

She -- she still is, I guess.

Uh, she had to turn it into a business, so, you know --

'cause my dad stopped working.

So now we got this -- this family of Chinese immigrants

living in the house, making them for her.

Kind of like Andy warhol's factory?

[ Chuckles ] No, not his factory.

More like, uh, more like Andy warhol's toolshed.

It's nice, though, you know? I'm not -- I'm not dissing it.

I used to have my playpen in her studio.

Huh. So, why'd your dad stop working?

H-He's a vh1 documentary without the music.

Damn it, Kelly.

I can't plan your revenge by myself.

Come on!

Have fun, boys.

[ Chuckles ] Fun. If only war were fun.

War is deadly serious, ma'am.

You know, I'm kind of worried

about you playing with diffusion unsupervised.

Are you? Yeah.

Might have to come by and show you some of the proper safety procedures.

I don't think I have room in here for a playpen.

Kelly: Hey, Sarah, wait up. Wait up. Uh, do you got the math homework?

Why? So you can cheat?

Well, yeah. Can I?

No.

Um, but i-I'll tell you what.

I have, um, an extra ticket to aerosmith on Friday night.

Is that gonna be loud?

Yeah. I-It's gonna be loud. It's music.

Yeah.

Well, you know, it might be really good for you to get out

and mingle with some normal people.

Something could rub off on you...I hope.

Well, we'll talk about it on the night shift, yes?

Okay.

Bart: Citizens,

this is the emergency broadcast notification system.

This is not a test of the system.

This is an actual no--

damn.

That was pretty good except for the end.

Nah.

Don't you love being a minor? I mean, think about it.

There's no consequences for illegal activities.

You're not responsible if the economy goes bad.

No drinking. No credit.

No freedom. At least not in my house.

You know, you talk about it, but I never see it.

My parents do their best work without an audience.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Do you think I picked dartmouth?

You didn't pick it?

No.

What about tabby?

[ Chuckles ] Tabby.

She got to go where she wanted. Sarah Lawrence.

[ Chuckles ] Six years.

She's going to grad school, though. Yale.

She goes to Yale?

Wow. I didn't even think people went to Yale.

Well, she drives off in her car in September.

But for all we know, she pulls over in Albany

and sleeps there until may.

What do you mean?

Joke.

That was a joke? That's what they sound like? Yeah.

For some reason, I always thought they'd be funnier.

Well...

Wait. I-Isn't Sarah Lawrence a school for lesbians?

[ Sighs ]

How's their football team?

[ Laughs ]

Mathilda: [ Gasps ] Vermont!

Oh, remember the milbecks' place

in lake champlain, darling?

Harrison: And what was that wonderful cheese

that we had on the sandwiches in the restaurant there?

Gouda.

Yes. Gouda.

Are you sure? Yes. Gouda.

Anyway, the great thing about middlebury

is that the French department is awesome.

French. What are you going to do with that, write poetry?

You know, they predict that China

is going to be the largest market of the 21st century.

Maybe I should take Chinese, then.

Mandarin is actually the most-spoken dialect.

But the Chinese speak hundreds of different distinct languages.

Speaking of which, tabby, honey,

have you finished the seating arrangement yet?

Mom, can we just talk about something else for once?

Well, darling, we have to take the list to the calligrapher.

Hmm.

Tabby?

Well, you know, uh...

Speaking of calligraphy and the Chinese...

The...

The Chinese peoples invented calligraphy.

They did.

But I-I tend to stray away from saying, um, "invent" too often

just because it reinforces patriarchal stereotypes.

As we all know.

Exactly.

Men invent. Women give birth.

Although...

Women invented babies.

Right, uh, but...

Babies gave birth to man.

[ Laughs ]

What an unusual conversation.

Do you have discussions like this at home

with your family, Kelly?

My family, uh, they're similar. Little different.

He does know how to talk about art.

Do you?

You do?

Uh, my mother's kind of an artist.

So I pick up very quickly on that kind of stuff.

So you come from a creative family, do you?

I do.

Oh, I wish I could get my boys to talk to me

about any of my passions.

Just try to get them near the subject of my garden.

Oh. Speaking of, Mrs. Bowland,

I saw your magnolias. Very fine specimens.

Oh, thank you.

They are fine, aren't they?

They're gorgeous.

I just think that flowers are so...Sen--

both: Sensual.

Kelly: Yep. It looks empty.

Lance must be out torturing puppies or something.

Bart: Let me see.

So, you have a thing for my sister?

What? No.

Everybody does.

I don't.

Bart, I don't. [ Camera shutter clicks ]

All right. The coast is clear.

Let's get a closer look.

Come on.

Tabby and I just have a few things in common.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh, really? Like what?

Like what? I can't tell you about that.

It's my feminine side.

You don't wear women's clothes, do you?

Hey, feeling pretty is not a crime, all right?

Whatever.

Bart.

Bart, why?

What -- Bart! Bart!

Bart!

Bart!

Can I help you, young man?

Uh, what? What?

Kelly?

Mr. Norway!

I was looking for my Merlin.

Your what?

Uh, I had a box of purple kiffnits.

My friends threw it over. A little purple box.

Pardon?

You haven't seen it? Yeah, I'm coming.

Will you excuse me for a second?

What?

Bart.

Shit.

Bart!

[ Door closes, car alarm activates ]

[ Gasps ]

Are you crazy? Yes.

But now we know the layout of the entire house. Come on!

Okay. Duncan said he'd get like 10 guys to help us out.

Cool. Cool. And one of them's gonna videotape the whole thing.

And I'll -- I'll tell you something, Bart.

Is that once we get that tape played on the school TV station,

it's gonna be all over but the shouting, you know what I mean?

Only a few more days till the field trip

and operation mincemeat.

[ Coughs ] To mincemeat.

To enemies.

To enemies, too.

Man.

[ Exhales sharply ]

You know what's funny? It's funny.

It's like everything was good for a while, you know?

Everything was fine.

And then, uh... I got angry, you know?

At my dad, mostly.

And then I just started...

I just started saying whatever popped into my head.

And now I...Can't stop.

Know what I mean?

[ Laughs ] Bart?

[ Humming indistinctly ]

[ Slow music playing ]

Hey.

I warned you I'd come. [ Laughs ]

All right. I'm gonna go, then.

What do you want?

Um...

Inspiration.

I had this idea for a painting.

Thought maybe I could come in here and paint it.

Okay.

You can, uh, grab a canvas in the corner.

There's paintbrushes in the jar.

Paint's on the shelves.

Okay.

[ Clattering ]

Oh, I don't have much time --

am I messing up your concentration, me being here like this?

No. It's fine.

So, um, when's -- when's your wedding happening?

Uh, next week.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Why? Is something wrong?

No.

What are you painting?

[ Sighs ]

I'm painting...

Really, there's just -- there's just so many layers

of imaginistic symbolism in here

that I wouldn't even feel comfortable summing it all up.

All right.

It's this reoccurring dream I have

of a mermaid riding a rocket ship.

A rocket ship? How?

Well, she's riding it sidesaddle.

She's a mermaid. She's got a fish tail, for Christ's sake.

[ Laughing ] Okay.

The most important thing, of course, though,

um, is empathy.

Just 'cause you want the viewer to feel like

the mermaid understands them, you know?

Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Does it matter? Well, I mean,

sometimes people say what they really think.

Okay, smarty.

Well, then, w-what if -- what if, uh,

people don't know what they really think?

Doesn't matter.

You just...Be yourself.

Well, that sounds boring to me.

No. It's not boring.

It's scary and wonderful and exciting.

Really? What's so exciting about being yourself?

Hey. Hi.

There you are.

Hi. Hi.

Hey. Miner weber.

Weber miner.

Kelly.

This is Kelly.

Kelly ernswiler. It's a pleasure.

Uh, so, what have we got,

a little painting class going on here, huh?

He's one of Bart's friends. He paints. Yeah? That's great. Listen.

If we're gonna be on time for dinner, we got to get going.

Okay. I'm gonna grab my coat.

All right.

So you paint, huh?

Yeah. You know, just started.

Right.

So, what do you do in your spare time?

You a hobby man?

You're still in high school?

Yeah, I am.

But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the shop ease.

And president Don kaminsky says every employee is part owner.

So I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry

in training.

Sort of, um, a capitalist larva.

Wow. That's quite an image.

Only if you see the most magical part.

Do you see it?

No. What is it?

One day, I'm gonna be a beautiful butterfly, right?

But first, I have to be a pupa.

And pupas don't really go out that much,

so I don't think I'm gonna be going out that much.

Pupa.

The awkward adolescents of the insect world.

All set.

Um, about time. Let's go.

Oh, Kelly, if you want, you can stay.

No, thanks. I got to go to work.

[ Laughs ] Know what this is right here?

What? 18 volts of pure freedom.

Have you been in the cough syrup aisle again?

Perhaps.

Hey, have you thought any more about that concert?

Um, yeah, Sarah.

I don't really think that's a good idea.

Why not?

It's kind of a date, isn't it?

Um...

[ Clicks tongue ] I don't know.

'Cause if it is, I'm not gonna be able to go

'cause I'm kind of seeing somebody at the moment.

You're seeing somebody?

I'm not -- I'm not seeing her.

But, uh, we're about to see... I'm about to see her.

Yeah. Well, who -- I mean...

You know, if you don't mind me asking, who is she?

S-She's, uh...

You don't know her.

She's not, you know, somebody you know.

Is she a mail-order bride or something?

[ Cart beeping ]

Okay. That's good, Jeffrey.

Hey, numbnuts.

Trying to do a project here.

Why don't you pull a little weight?

Oh, I think you can color inside the lines by yourself, don't you?

You know, I think so.

But actually, I forgot my nontoxic crayons.

So why don't you do it for me, diaper baby?

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs mockingly ]

Bart: My dad has this friend who's a director.

He's shooting a documentary for the history channel.

That's cool.

He needs some guys to reenact a battle

from the allied offensive for him.

We're gonna be on the history channel?

I haven't asked you yet.

Well, ask me, then.

Stop. Seriously. Put it away. Come on. Ask me.

Ask me.

Well, if you want to, next week.

But you have to take it seriously.

Of course I will. I always take it seriously.

From what I've seen,

you play fast and loose with your characterizations.

I'm fast and loose?

You're fast and loose.

I play the emotional truth. I make it real.

Like back in the dining room?

[ Gun clicks ]

What was that?

"I've noticed your magnolias. Very fine specimens."

That was real?

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

You seem to have your own agenda, that's all.

Well, Bart, I do have my own agenda.

What other reason is there to do anything?

I'm just saying,

I know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Oh, okay.

So you're saying that I-I don't know the difference?

I don't -- I don't know.

You don't know what, Bart?

You don't know if you just said that to me?

It's just...

It's just nervous energy before a big mission.

It's natural.

Right.

Nerves.

See you at 0400.

I'll be there at 0400.

Eve: And if I don't sell them there,

I'll set up on the corner of Stevenson Lane.

That's a good location.

Are you listening to me?

Did you put more red pepper in this than usual?

No. It's the same as always.

Honey, you should eat.

I'm not hungry.

[ Footsteps ]

Kelly, want some dinner?

I ate.

[ Chuckles ]

One day, we'll all be happy.

[ Laughs ]

I won't know what to do with myself.

[ Snoring ]

[ Beeping ]

Bart: This is shaker heights.

We're under attack. I repeat, under attack.

This is not a test or a drill.

This is an actual emergency.

Enemy troops are fanning out,

and we're not quite sure where they're coming from just yet.

In fact, very little is known about our invaders at the present time.

What little we know is that they're ruthless, organized,

and we strongly urge you to stay inside your homes

and do not try to defend yourselves!

These people are easily pissed off

and extremely dangerous! Kelly: That's correct, bill.

We've just received word that the local police force has been overthrown.

Just the sheer size of this invasion is staggering.

Also, we've been told by a reliable source

that any aggressive action toward the attackers...

[ Helicopter passing ]

They're everywhere! People, please, don't risk any action.

There's really little that anyone can do to stop these people.

Get under a table. Cover your head.

Aah!

They're in the building!

Get him!

Aah!

Bring him down here. Come on. Drag him outside.

Let go of me! Let go!

Come on!

Lance: Please! Put him down!

Right there!

Where are the purple kiffnits?

What?

Give us the Merlins!

What?! Bart: Cooperate or die like dog!

Please don't hurt me!

Please don't hurt me. You know too much already.

Look, please! I'm not -- I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Your whimpering sickens us. You die now!

Please don't do it!

Enough!

[ Sobs ]

[ Indistinct voices on radio ]

Oh, damn.

Mission accomplished, I'd say.

Yeah. Can't ask for more than that.

Move out! Go! Go! Go!

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Sound effects stop ]

We have to talk.

Not now. I got to go to school.

Your father's in the hospital.

Again?

Unbelievable. Which junkie is it now?

It's him.

They called the western front the "sausage factory."

And not in -- in a positive sense.

Sure, we all like hot dogs.

But this had a decidedly negative connotation.

Anything to add, Mr. Ernswiler?

Uh, no, sir.

Good.

Now, uh, on to the -- the offensive weaponry.

Um, mustard gas. [ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

So, filming on Saturday.

Are you excited?

He's got an explosive expert coming.

It's gonna be awesome.

They want you to come dressed like wonder woman.

That cool?

What's the matter with you?

Well, he hasn't been at school in two days.

You know, I'm starting to worry a little bit.

I'm sure he's fine.

Are you sure he's fine?

How are you so sure?

[ Clears throat ]

Who are you calling?

[ Cellphone beeps, rings ]

Mr. Norway: Hello?

Lance, please.

Just a minute.

Give me the phone. Lance, honey!

Phone!

Give me the phone.

Lance: I got it, dad.

See that? He's fine.

Maybe you should think about something else,

like...what are you gonna do after graduation?

[ Scoffs ] Well, nice segue.

You sound like your dad.

All right. You can joke.

But he was talking about helping you out.

You want to go to dartmouth? [ Chuckles ]

Are you serious?

He was.

He could pull some strings.

[ Sighs ] I don't know, man.

I don't know if that'll work for me, you know?

I'm not socially ready for that. You know what I mean?

Well, tell that to my family.

They're like your little fan club.

Even tabby likes you.

She say that to you?

You read it in her diary or something?

Well, she invited you to the wedding.

But you probably wouldn't want to do that.

So I'll -- what -- weddings?

Bro, I love weddings.

Me and weddings. Right here. Like this.

In fact, every time I'm at weddings,

I usually get wasted and -- and dry-hump someone's aunt.

Well, good.

I'll, uh, call my mom's aunt Maureen

and, uh, tell her to expect a little action.

Maureen, huh? Pretty name.

Yeah. Little advice, though. Don't look right at the goiter.

It's...

Tabby?

So, you invited me to your wedding?

[ Crying ] There isn't gonna be a wedding.

W-Why? W-What happened?

[ Exhales deeply ]

Miner kissed this woman he works with.

Honestly, I didn't think

you guys were right for each other, anyway.

You didn't, huh? [ Sniffles ]

Like -- like this painting, for instance.

You see this painting?

If you were to stare at this for too long,

you wouldn't know what it was.

But for somebody who just comes in and sees it,

they know exactly what it is, you know what I mean?

I don't need any bullshit right now.

He couldn't understand you, tabby.

I'm not as complicated as you think.

I...i didn't say you were complicated.

I'm really sorry, tabby.

Come on. Don't cry.

[ Sobs ]

No. Don't cry.

Please.

There you go.

[ Laughs ]

You like me, don't you?

Of course.

No. I mean...

You like me.

I think you're amazing.

[ Engine turns over ]

Harrison: Bart! What are you doing out there?

[ Claps ]

Mom?

Uh, vehicles are supposed to show up.

Let me know what shows up.

You look perfect.

You think so?

Yeah, it's been seasoning under my bed for a little bit.

Put a little work into it.

Uh, some of the other boys are over at craft services.

Okay.

The snack table.

Oh, craft services is the snack table. Okay.

Um, uh, let me show --

know what kind of vehicles show up before lunch because --

is Bart bowland here?

I have no idea. Excuse me.

So, I want a medium shot coming down from here with...

All right, everybody. We're gonna start positioning.

Uh, you, you, and you, I want you over by that tree.

You and all of you guys, you're up behind the hill.

All right. Whose Jeep is that?

That mg? Yeah.

She's mine.

Great. We're gonna need to use it.

Can you take it up behind the hill over there?

Sure.

Um, did Bart bowland check in yet?

I don't know. It doesn't matter. We've got enough people.

Well, he's gonna -- all right. Places, please!

Let's go!

[ Rustling ]

Password!

Where the hell you been?

Nowhere.

It really wasn't smart of you, man.

I mean, they got me driving old lippy.

And I'm gonna get a crapload of close-ups.

And what are you wearing?

Where's your kit at?

I ought to kill you right now.

What?

You had to do it.

What are you -- do what?

You just...Do whatever the hell you want.

And consequences, they don't matter, do they?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about your agenda again, Kelly,

which apparently includes hitting on my sister!

Okay. Picture is up.

Roll camera. Mark.

What did you think she was gonna do?

Run off with you?

You're a 17-year-old bag boy.

She is a Yale grad student.

Talk about living in a fucking fantasy world!

Action!

Cue the Jeep!

Bart, what do you want me to do?

You want me to be miserable like you are? I can do that.

Will it make it any better?

You got it all figured out, don't you?

Cue the Jeep! Better than you do...

Daddy's boy.

Aah! Hey! Hey!

Cue the Jeep!

[ Both grunting ]

Hey! Get out of the way!

[ All shouting ]

It's cool. We can use it. We can just --

we'll -- we'll edit it together with some newsreel footage.

It -- it'll be fine.

What?

Where have you been?

Listen, ma.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Your father's gone downhill. They have him on dialysis.

Well, that's perfect.

Why would you say something like that?

I don't know. It just seems to fit.

Seems to fit?

Do you understand what I just said?

No, ma. Why don't you say it again?

When are you going to forgive him?

When am I gonna forgive him?

That's quite a question, ma.

When am I gonna forgive him? Hmm.

I-I don't know.

Maybe -- maybe when I forget all the lyrics

to "the little mermaid" soundtrack that he'd play

every time he'd take me so he could go score.

Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale.

I don't know. I don't --

you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college.

That's when I'll forgive him.

I can't go, can I?

'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund

and bought Mexican black tar with it.

And you're asking me to forgive this guy.

No way.

All right. Come with me to the hospital.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

This isn't about you anymore.

It's never about me.

What is wrong with you?

I'm so sick of you being angry.

I want to be angry. Mom, enough.

You will not tell me what is enough.

You don't know about anything. You...

I'm talking about the man I love.

Hey, Kelly.

Hey, look. I just --

I thought you should know that I gave my notice, okay?

Kelly?

Kelly?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bowland.

Bart's not here, honey.

Actually, I was, uh, going to see tabby.

Oh.

Uh, well, tabby's at her final fitting.

Wedding's tomorrow.

[ Dog barking, siren wailing ]

Damn it!

[ Breathing heavily ]

God damn.

Oh...

[ Bell tolling ]

Is everyone in their places?

Yes.

And the organist?

Ready.

Where are the cars?

They'll be here in a few minutes.

Calm down.

[ Chuckles ]

What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean? I was invited.

I uninvited you.

You unin-- it's not your wedding, Bart.

Why are you wearing that?

Look. I can't let you come in.

Why not?

Because you know why.

Just go home.

Bart...

Kelly!

What are you doing?

Just listen. [ Exhales deeply ]

This is my wedding day.

I know what day it is. I know what day it is.

Where do I fit in in all of this? Huh?

I mean, I-I thought we really had something.

You know it wasn't like that.

No, I don't know it wasn't like that.

What was it?

It was a moment.

A moment? What the hell is that?

What do you want to do? Do you want to stop the wedding?

No. I don't -- I...

Oh, come on.

You...you shouldn't marry this guy.

Why?

You're an artist. Do you know what I mean?

You're an artist, and he --

he's not into -- you know what I mean?

He's, um...

What is he? What does he do?

I still don't know.

He's like a corporate, money-making money manager.

It just doesn't add up.

But that's the thing.

It -- it doesn't always add up.

Harrison: Tabby, honey, are you coming out?

Kissing you made me feel something I needed to.

That's all it was.

I'm getting married right now.

And I would like you to be happy for me.

Okay?

Man: Here she is!

[ Laughter and cheers ]

Kelly.

Hey.

We're just about to start. What, are you taking off?

Yeah.

What are you wearing?

I grew out of my old suit.

Oh, yeah? Me too.

Check it out. Rental.

It's funny, you know? A day like this in a guy's life,

he doesn't even wear his own clothes.

Yeah.

It's just another thing that doesn't feel real, you know?

Especially after everything tabby and I have been through.

No.

It shouldn't feel that way, you know?

Today's the most important day of your life.

No.

No, man. This is just the beginning.

I mean, everybody screws up.

But it's what you do afterwards that counts, you know?

[ Bell tolling ]

Got to go.

See you.

[ Children shouting in distance ]

[ Dog barking ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

You're looking good.

Keller. [ Chuckles ]

Out of bed, huh?

Yeah.

Feeling better?

Yeah. Better.

They don't give you shoes?

[ Chuckles ]

No, no. They're over there.

You, uh, you want to watch some TV?

Look at that. They bolted it to the wall.

My reputation precedes me. [ Chuckles ]

Come on.

So, any, uh, any battles this weekend?

A few.

He looks good.

[ Exhales deeply ]

So, you're new here, huh?

You got any hobbies?

Well, that's good.

[ Tape ripping ]

Thanks for your help. Really.

I'm not gonna tell anybody! Your whimpering sickens us! You die now!

Please don't do it! Enough!

[ Sobs ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

Harrison: If you'd like to leave a message

for the bowlands, or Ruby, please do so after the beep.

Kelly: Uh, hey, bowlands.

[ Chuckles ] Um...It's Kelly

just calling to say that, um, I'm really sorry

that I made a mess out of the festivities

that happened last week.

And, um...

And, Bart, uh, you know, i'm heading down to the rat's nest

to sell off some of my stuff, so any -- any chance you want to catch me there,

uh, that's where I can be caught.

You're gonna make a killing.

Yeah.

♪ will we both be happy

♪ to stand alone?

Here.

Mnh-mnh.

Here. Keep it.

Here. Hold it for me, then.

[ Laughs ]

Sounds like you really made an ass out of yourself.

I did. I did, man.

So, if you like this girl Sarah so much,

why didn't you ask her out before?

Well, because it was forbidden love.

[ Laughing ] What?

Well, fraternizing is against the, uh,

the shop ease code of conduct, you know?

Code of conduct? Dude, it's a grocery store.

Hey, remember, I'm part owner, all right?

[ Chuckles ]

Can you hold on for a second? I'm just gonna go --

Kelly. Real quick. Hold on.

Are you sure? Please?

Wait up.

One second.

Lance.

I'm unarmed.

What, did you lose your pony, you little pretty pony boy?

No. Come on.

I wanted to apologize.

For what, your existence?

No. I...

Me and my friends staged the invasion that...

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not laughing 'cause it's funny.

I'm laughing 'cause I'm nervous. We, uh...

Well, you know, actually, it never happened.

It was a dream you had.

Well, I'm sorry for the dream, okay?

All right. Fine.

We're good?

Almost.

What do you mean, almost?

[ Grunts, coughs ]

[ Lance chuckles ]

Kelly!

Hey, Kelly.

[ Laughing ] Hey. Hey.

[ Moans ]

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Chuckles ] I deserved it.

Is it getting big?

Uh...

Better. [ Laughs ]

Are you finished now? No, no.

No. This is just the beginning.

See, because I find

that in order to get where you need to go -- hey!

You know, you got to --

you got to cut through all the other stuff first.

So, you know what I mean, kind of?

Wait. What are you talking about?

Wait! [ Laughs ]

Here. Give me a piggyback. Give me a piggyback. Uh, no.

Please. Please. All right.

Ready? Yeah.

Up!

Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!

Aah!

♪ I can't get through the smoke ♪

♪ that's surrounding you

♪ 'cause when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ and when you're screaming

♪ somehow I don't hear a sound ♪

♪ and when you're seeing things ♪

♪ then your feet don't touch the ground ♪

♪ 'cause when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ I can see through the clouds ♪

♪ I can walk right through the walls ♪

♪ hang me off the ceiling

♪ but I can't take the fall

♪ should I cross the river

♪ when I may get swept away?

♪ out there on the water

♪ you can still see me wave

♪ 'cause when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ I keep seeing all those things ♪

♪ and my feet don't touch the ground ♪

♪ 'cause when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ and when you're screaming

♪ somehow I don't hear a sound ♪

♪ I don't hear a sound

♪ and when you're seeing things ♪

♪ then your feet don't touch the ground ♪

♪ 'cause when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ and when you're screaming

♪ somehow I don't hear a sound ♪

♪ and when you're falling

♪ I can't tell which way is down ♪

♪ and when you're screaming

♪ somehow I don't hear a sound ♪

[ Music fades ]