Original subtitles

Final round. Winn takes all.

This isn't fair. My teammates are Mom and Dad.

You picked us.

Everyone else was taken. It's like me in-in gym class.

Did you guys order another pizza?

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

It's gonna be a second.

Just wrapping up a family game night here.

Oh, well, it's good to know we're paying our sitter

to watch you spend time as a family.

Players ready, and go.

- Polio. - Mindbox.

- Lantern. - Mindbox.

- Antwerp. - Mindbox.

Yes. Perfect round.

I told you they were gonna be doing something weird

- when we got here. - Mm-hmm.

It's like a deleted scene from Get Out.

Mm-hmm.

This is Mindbox.

Brian and Nicole invented it when they were little.

It's actually two games in one:

Mindbox and the drinking game that Kay and I play

to get through Mindbox.

All right, we can do this. Just focus.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- Actuary. - Mindbox.

Damn it, Dad!

That's game.

Time to total up the final score.

Hey, this is fun.

Why don't we play this with our kids?

'Cause our kids have friends.

This score is an embarrassment.

I'm a disgrace.

Leila, you can take my room.

I deserve to sleep outside with the dogs.

I want to sleep with the dogs.

Wow. Nicole takes losing pretty hard, huh?

Actually, that's what she looks like when she wins,

by 321 points.

Can you bring out some raw meat?

I need to attract stray dogs.

If I'm lucky, I'll get some on me

and they'll rip me apart limb from limb.

This is Get Out.

Half of that face look like a dude I know.

Tommy. Tommy.

- Nah, that ain't him. - Okay, thank God.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

How long do you think Nicole's gonna be out there?

Ah, she talks a big game,

but she'll only be out there, like, six, seven hours.

Hot tip: You better check her room for manifestos.

So, if she's like that when she wins,

- what's she like when she loses? - Hmm.

That's a good question.

I don't remember her ever losing anything.

No, she even beat our neighbor Colin for tenor

in the gay men's choir.

And she did it singing "When a Man Loves a Woman."

Wait a minute. That girl has never lost at anything?

Uh-oh. That's not good.

I think it's time I told you a story.

It's about a man.

A man named Irwin.

I hope he dramatically tells us what year it was.

It was 1998.

I was the star pitcher for my high school baseball team.

Never lost a game.

I got a full ride to Texas. Living the dream.

Then my first collegiate start,

I take the mound, and on my very first pitch,

kaboom! Home run.

Next batter, next pitch,

kaboom!

- Oof. - No.

I got six more kabooms left, Kay.

Eight straight home runs.

My center fielder left the field

to go get a beer from the stands.

Anyway, I could never pitch again after that.

- Man, it-it broke me. - It's true.

He can't even look at a diamond without freaking out.

Which is pretty damn convenient, if you ask me.

Look, the problem was I had never failed before,

so the first time something happened,

I didn't know what to do.

Wait, so you think something like that

could happen to Nicole?

'Cause I can't even picture how she'd react if she lost.

I can. It ends with a coroner

looking at our bodies, saying, "In all my years,

I've never seen anything like this."

All I know is things got really dark for me.

I gained 200 pounds.

They had to cut me out of my dorm room.

It was a long road back.

But look at me now.

- Check this out. - That's right, baby. Come on.

Ha, ha. Just throw.

- You can do it. - You can do it, just step into it.

- You got it. - Nothing bad is gonna happen.

Kaboom!

- Oh, God, it happened again! - Mike! Oh, Mike!

Why would you do that?!

Now this is gonna be my whole weekend.

Here, sweetie.

Mommy, Brian won't play with me.

I asked him five times and he said "No, no, no, no,"

and, "Leila, shut the door! I was just stretching!"

Can you just play with her for ten minutes?

You know she worships you.

I love Leila. Great kid.

Small hands, good for cleaning pipettes.

But my brain requires stimulation

that she can't provide.

That's why I'm teaching Marc chess.

Now, obviously it'll be years before he poses a challenge,

- but until then... - Checkmate.

Marc, Marc, Marc. You only say "checkmate" when you've...

How did you do that? That-that was only five moves.

Sorry, I'm new to this.

Should I be taking longer to beat you?

New game.

- Go easy on your brother. - Oh, I will.

I was talking to Marc.

I think we should have more kids.

Come on, you usually love that joke.

Sorry. I'm still thinking about what Irwin said.

I mean, Nicole's never learned to fail,

so what if the first time she does, she melts down

and she's not able to be a... uh...

Are you trying not to say "dictator"?

No, I was trying not to say "Voldemort."

But...

I think I know how we can help Nicole.

We got to make her fail.

I'm not sure we ever landed on a parenting style,

but this feels like the wrong one.

Okay, hear me out. If she loses at something small now,

while we're here to support her, it'll help her cope later

when she's at college or when Batman burns off half her face.

So it's sort of like a vaccine.

Exactly. It hurts at first, but then you're the only kid

in the dirty lake who doesn't get hepatitis.

But there's a problem.

What can we get Nicole to fail at?

She's good at everything.

Oh, come on. Not everything.

She's bad at, um, hiding her disgust

to stupid questions or, uh...

- I think I got it. - I got something better.

Wow.

So confident your idea's better without even hearing mine.

You're right. I'm sorry. What's yours?

I was bluffing. It's terrible.

You want me to sign up for a casino beauty pageant?

Be honest. I won't be mad.

Are you trying to sell me to a Saudi prince?

My casino put it together last minute.

It was originally supposed to be a dog show,

but the Humane Society said the building didn't meet

the "minimum requirements for dog safety."

But it's okay for people?

Well, I don't know. There's not a Humane Society for people.

Oh, heads up.

There still might be an agility competition.

How good are you at catching a frisbee with your mouth?

Best in my class.

But I still don't understand how this benefits me.

Well, we thought it would show a variety of interests

on your college application.

Coding, debate, linguistics, philosophy,

game theory and cryptoeconomics isn't a variety?

It's pretty good, but put "pageant winner"

on your application, they'll know you're hot.

And if they're choosing between hot nerd

and maybe-hot nerd, they'll go hot every time.

They have brochures to think about.

Also, it could help your political career

- one day. - Hmm.

Pageant experience does play well in the heartland.

All right. I'll do it.

You're looking at the next Miss Teen Exit 38 Off the Parkway.

Oof, I hope this works.

Uh, but if it doesn't, we can always try your idea.

I don't think we should.

It's dinosaur hunter.

Oof, this is not Nicole's scene.

If this place had a giant bloodthirsty rabbit

that scored higher than her on the SATs,

it would literally be her worst nightmare.

All right, I need all the bitches to line up...

I'm sorry, I signed up for this when it was still a dog show.

- Rita, you're working this? - Yeah.

Girl, and there is no budget for this thing, so I'm the emcee,

I'm security and apparently animal control

'cause people don't read their damn e-mails.

Sir, you need to leave!

Your dog is not safe here!

Uh, Mike?

When did Nicole learn how to tap dance?

I think she just learned last night.

How is she so good already?

Did she eat the heart of a tap dancer?

Did we make a mistake?

I mean, she is going to lose this thing, right?

Today I will be doing a tap interpretation

of the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858.

She is so screwed. We'll be fine.

That's my daughter.

She's gonna get destroyed.

Rosemary knight take saffron pawn.

No, but that leaves it open for the damn paprika!

Marc is looking for you.

Are you hiding?

No. I'm a grown man.

I don't hide.

- Okay. Marc, he's in... - He'll find me.

No, I can't lose to Marc again,

but I can't figure out how to beat him.

He's always five steps ahead.

That's it.

I'll throw him down the steps.

Sometimes when I don't know what crayon to use,

I do something else,

and the right color just pops into my head.

No. The only way to solve a problem

is to obsess over it till you solve it or go insane.

Yeah, I think you're already there.

It's still your move, old man.

Okay, let's get this over with.

He can't play chess because he has to play with me.

Yes. Th-That's right.

I have to play with Leila.

You know, I'd love to defeat you,

- but I told Leila we'd play... - Ponies and unicorns.

Ponies and unicorns.

Yep, that's the intellectual challenge I crave.

- To the stables. - They live in the clouds.

Let's just go.

Pepper mill takes chili flakes.

Checkmate.

Oof, tough first day for Nicole.

My favorite part was when she called Miss America

"capitalism's fanciest whore."

Yep.

By this time tomorrow,

we will be the proud parents of a huge loser.

She is gonna be devastated.

Did we really just clink about our daughter being sad?

No. We clinked about our plan working.

- It's what we wanted. - No, I know but...

now that it's happening,

it kind of feels like a weird thing to want.

I mean, are we really happy

our little girl's gonna get crushed tomorrow

in front of hundreds of strangers

on a stage unfit for dogs?

Well, I wouldn't say happy, but it's the vaccine thing.

It's for her own good.

No parent ever wants to see their child sad,

and now we've gone out of our way to make it happen.

Maybe we should pull the plug.

The last thing we want to teach Nicole

is how to pull the plug, because that will definitely

come back to haunt us.

No, babe, come on.

We have to stay strong on this. United front.

You're right. You're right. We got to stay strong.

Yeah. Come on, we got this.

Oh, and, uh, I do want you to know,

if she does pull the plug on me, do not move on.

It is not what I would have wanted.

Sorry, Tinsel, you're a pony,

so you can't come to the unicorn ball.

Unless Tinsel is ranked grand master

by the U.S. Chess Federation, could you please keep it down?

You said you'd play with me.

How am I supposed to play a game

with no internal logic?

You've got horses living on clouds,

and glitter is somehow a food, a currency

and the name of at least three ponies.

Well, the ponies and unicorns are fighting.

Hmm. Well, that's an interesting premise.

Tribal warfare between two rival societies. No.

- But I really don't have the... - And there's only one who can stop it.

Tell me more about this one.

He's a unicorn born with no horn.

Interesting. A zero-corn.

Is he the one the prophecies foretold?

I don't know.

Leila, I shall play your game.

Let's go.

Okay, so what's this zero-corn's name?

- Glitter! - Of course.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh, that's a... nice gown.

Is Miss Thing-Thing adding some bling-bling? Nope.

It's not a gown, it's a pantsuit.

And I'm actually removing the rhinestones.

They distract from the boxy cut.

Well, tonight you will be the box of the ball.

- Hey, Dad. - Mm.

I just wanted to say thanks for pushing me to do this.

It got me out of my comfort zone,

and I'm really proud of all the hard work I put into it.

You haven't put, like, that much work into it.

Sure I have. I had to master tap dancing.

That took me almost four hours.

I just hope it's all worth it.

Yeah, me, too.

Um, you know, honey, if I'm being honest,

it's probably not worth it.

I mean, the real victory here

is you getting out of your comfort zone.

You know? So what do you say tonight

we just, we just pull the plug on this whole thing?

- What? - Yeah. Come on.

Instead, tonight I'll get you those tickets you wanted.

We'll go see Kiss.

An Evening of Statecraft with Henry Kissinger?

Sadly, that is what Kiss means in this house.

Thanks, Dad, but I'm not going to quit.

Okay, but, um, uh, remember, whatever happens tonight,

this pageant was actually your mom's idea.

So just be sure to remember that.

- Seriously? - Okay, what? Nothing, nothing!

Why would you tell her this was my idea?

Well... it was.

And I am tired of living in a world

where men get credit for women's ideas.

What happened to staying strong?

I'm sorry.

I-I started picturing how sad she'll be

when this all blows up, and I couldn't take it.

What are we gonna do?

Well, she's not gonna quit.

I already tried with AC/DC tickets.

That's probably not...

It's the Atlantic City Dictionary Convention.

Yeah.

So what's our plan? We can't just do nothing

and watch her lose.

There is one other option.

Oh, Rita, it's you.

I thought you were one of our teen beauties.

Aw... Okay, what do you two want?

We screwed up with Nicole.

We really need her to win this thing, so...

we would like to do a bribe, please.

And I would really like to help,

but your bribes aren't gonna work here.

We figured. We feel guilty even asking.

'Cause the pageant's already rigged.

What?

Are you surprised?

It's a pageant sponsored by an energy drink for dogs.

Come on, Rita.

Can't we re-bribe you or something?

Oh, you could bribe me all day, but it doesn't matter.

Mariah's dad gave discounts to all the judges

at his mattress store.

And Mariah needs a win after she crashed her Tesla

into her horse.

So, uh, all the judges are on the take?

Honey, this is Jersey.

In that case,

this bribe just turned into a blackmail,

'cause I recorded the whole th... Oh, no.

I pocket-dialed my... Sorry.

Hi, Mom.

No, that-that was Rita. I was trying to do a...

- Okay. My mom says hi. Okay. - Yeah, okay.

All right.

Well, that was two days of something.

Before I announce the winner,

tonight's got me in a singing mood.

Hit it! ♪ She's your queen for the hour ♪

♪ Your princess for the day ♪

♪ She's Miss Teen Exit 38 ♪

♪ Off the Garden State Parkway ♪

Thank you!

So?

- How'd it go with the judges? - We'll see.

There was a line to bribe them.

You're on the hook for a bath remodel, couple of decks.

- That's no problem. - And one of them

wants you to go for a jog, then give them your underwear.

I have to go for a jog?

All right, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your 2020 Miss Teen Exit 38 Off the Parkway is...

Nicole Bennett.

Oh, it's never been so great

- to hear that name. - I know.

Well, tied for when the folks at Costco found her alive.

- What? - What?

The unicorns gave up, Sir Gallops-A-Lot.

Do you think it's a trick?

I say thee neigh!

The ponies have won!

Oh.

He's actually playing with her.

Let's never forget the sacrifice of our fallen ponies.

Sacrifice.

That-That's it. That's how I'm gonna beat him.

Marc, let's finish this.

Do you want to lose with the board or the spices?

Everything I need to beat you with is right in here.

Rook to queen one.

Queen to king seven.

Bishop takes rook. Check.

Knight takes bishop.

Dad takes walk, never comes back.

Queen to queen's knight eight.

Knight takes queen.

Rook to queen eight. Checkmate!

Guys, did you see that?

No. No one saw anything.

Let's keep this streak going.

Another game, Marc?

You're on.

I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Actually...

sorry, Marc.

Leila and I have a victory ball in Fluffera to attend.

Ponies, to the clouds.

Thanks for letting him win.

Seemed like the old guy needed one.

There's our winner.

How does it feel?

Did you want the crown to be bigger?

I didn't want the crown at all, because I didn't want win.

What? You wanted to lose?

I ran the numbers, and it turns out

losing a beauty pageant actually helps your political odds.

So now, instead of president,

I'm on the fast track to state senate.

Oh, that's okay, honey.

I mean, you'll bounce back from...

winning this beauty pageant.

Do you understand what's going on here?

I think we got what we wanted.

By winning, she failed at losing.

- So we did it? - This is terrible.

She feels this way because of us,

and now we're helpless to do anything.

This is terrible.

But we are not helpless.

This is what a lifetime of failure has trained us for.

Come on.

Don't understand.

I worked so hard at being terrible,

and I was still too good.

Oh, honey, I know it feels bad right now,

like you've hit rock bottom.

But the thing about rock bottom is it's kind of great.

It's like a vacation from your regular life.

Yeah. You get to take naps that look like comas

and watch reality TV about hot people

doing dumb things for money.

And say goodbye to caring if there's loose food on your face.

What's that? I got a little something right there?

Just leave it.

Yeah. Because you've got better things to do.

Like blaming other people for things

that are clearly your fault.

Yeah. Like stupid Cassie.

You can try and hide your ankle bracelet all you want.

It doesn't matter if one of the judges is your parole officer.

See?

You're a natural.

Wow, that really works.

I feel a little better already.

- Cake? - All right.

Uh-uh.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

There you go.

Salud.

Mmm.

I'm-a go get you some sweatpants.

They're napkins you can wear.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com