Original subtitles

Alexa, please order a boy's sneaker size 10.

Air Max 95.

- Thanks, girl! - Okay.

No. Stop. Don't do that.

What do you mean? I'm talking to my robot

about a gift for Asher.

And a gift for me. Uh, hey, babe.

Dave here again.

Could you maybe order a men's size 11 Air Max 95?

And get yourself something nice, too. Thanks, girl!

Come on, Dave.

We have to wait until his birthday to get new shoes.

Hey, I want some Air Maxes, too.

Uh, Alexa.

Left foot, size 11.

Right foot, size 9 1/2.

Can you imagine what it was like in the olden times

when you had to actually click a button

and use your finger to buy stuff online

and everyone had polio?

You know, Sid Eisner thought that she had polio.

Turns out her leg fell asleep at a sample sale.

- Oh. - Hello.

Speaking of sample sales...

- Happy Friday Gifts! - Happy Friday Gifts!

Happy Friday Gifts!

[LAUGHS]

Yay! We loved our Thursday gifts,

but these are even better.

Guys, thank you so much,

but the constant gifts have to stop.

Oh, what's wrong with constant gifts?

Yeah, especially Friday gifts.

Such a nice way to roll into the weekend.

Gifts are great, but, uh, you're gonna spoil them.

Oh, all right. If that's what makes you happy,

not giving gifts will be our new gift.

Look at us.

When we don't give, we give.

That's how good we are.

- Guys. - Kids, come eat.

I'm gonna start dinner with wine

and probably finish with it, too.

What's the matter? Did you have a bad day?

Did one of those dogs attack you at work?

No, that's never happened.

Thank you for always asking.

I just like to be heavily buzzed

- when I'm here. - Ah.

Me, too.

Apple, tree.

Oh!

- My tooth! - It's getting looser.

He woke up with his first loose tooth today.

The Tooth Fairy's coming so soon.

We're getting excited.

You know, there's only one way to get that tooth out.

- Dad. - Oh, yeah.

Dad. Please, Dad.

- You got to give it a little wiggle. - Dad.

Do not do what you did to us, Dad.

- Aah! - Oh, my God!

? ?

DAVID: Joanna.

I think you're taking advantage

of having a contractor for a brother.

The electricity wasn't working.

It's a lightbulb. It's a basic wrist movement.

Oh, David, stop teasing your sister.

Some people aren't handy

and can use a little lipstick.

Mom, my lipstick application is fine.

It's fine...

if you want to be single for the rest of your life.

Well, I'm not going to be

because I'm going on a date tonight with Audrey,

who thinks I'm amazing.

So I take it you two have never met.

She also thinks I have kids.

Now, what gave her that idea?

The stains on your shirt or those...

earth shoes?

No, no.

On our first date, I said something about

taking my baby to the park to run around,

and she just assumed I meant humans.

It was offensive.

But you didn't correct her?

Well, no, because she's so cool

and smells like honey. Is that really bad?

I mean, yeah, it's a full-on lie.

No, no. It's fine. It's just a fib.

A fib-let. Everybody fibs.

Don't listen to the informant over here.

It's a full lie.

When I first met your father,

I told him that I had just broken up with my fianc�,

and I was a dentist

because I wanted to seem desirable and educated.

I mean, who doesn't like a dentist?

What are we talking about here?

I'm just saying that sometimes fibbing can work out.

I mean, look at me and Daddy.

Our love was born from a fib.

I don't know. Audrey really values honesty.

I feel like if I tell her the truth,

she's gonna break up with me.

I mean, she should probably think about it, right?

- David! - You're lying.

We get it.

Anyway, I got to scoot.

Rebecca and I are the Tooth Fairy tonight,

and I want to get into character.

I'm gonna go as a fairy

who knows how to treat everybody else,

but isn't quite sure how to treat himself.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It's so nice.

My son is a tooth fairy,

and my daughter found someone special enough to fib to.

- I'm so proud. - Yeah?

? ?

You think we really needed to dress up?

Of course we did.

A whole costume?

I mean, our son's not even gonna see it. He's asleep.

But we're not.

Besides, I've had this Halloween costume from 10 years ago,

and now it gets a second use.

I feel good.

Okay. Got the dollar ready.

Are you insane?

One dollar? You got to give him a 20.

What? No. That's ridiculous.

What do you mean, "ridiculous"? It's perfectly fine.

That's what my parents gave to me when I was a kid.

Yeah, of course they did.

That's why they're broke and living down the hall.

Asher is getting one dollar.

We're not spoiling him.

Fine, but you're being too logical, Rebecca.

We're supposed to be fairies, and fairies aren't logical.

Fairies are whimsical.

? ?

So I'm looking for a new job,

and I told the guy that I interviewed with today

that I need flexible hours.

I'm a mom. You get it.

Yeah, I get it because I'm definitely a mom, also,

as you know.

So, um, what do your kids do while you're at work?

Um. Sometimes I bring them to work with me to groom them

because if I don't, they'll chew on my shoes.

- Because they're dogs. - What?

I don't have kids.

I...

It was just a misunderstanding on our first date,

and I just went with it.

I'm so sorry.

So that's why you said they rub their butts on the carpet.

Yeah.

You're gonna break up with me, aren't you?

No, no.

I actually think it's sweet that you went to so much trouble

just to impress me.

Yeah. Focus on that.

Don't focus on the web of lies.

But the only problem is,

I don't know when we're gonna be able to hang out again.

Every weekend, I have my kids.

Oh, no. It's fine because I have kids in my life, too.

I mean, not my own, but I have a niece and nephew.

I'm with them all the time on weekends.

Well, then, maybe we can get the kids together.

Unless that's like moving too fast?

No, let's move very fast, like right now in the car.

Oh.

? ?

Ow.

I stepped on a Lego!

I need surgery!

- I have to go to the hospital right now! - Dave, stop, you're fine.

- Shh! Shh! - To the fire! To the fire, we go!

- Shut that thing off! - Uh-oh!

- No survivors! - No survivors?

- To the fire! To the fire, we go! - No survivors?

- Uh-oh! No survivors! - Shh.

Do not jeopardize this mission.

If Asher wakes up, he'll lose his childlike wonder.

Now let's make it rain on our son.

? ?

He's never slept this late.

Yeah, he probably found the dollar

and is in there trying to figure out what it is.

- ASHER: Mom, Dad?! - Ooh, he's up!

Act like we're sleeping.

The Tooth Fairy gave me $101!

- What?! - What?!

The Tooth Fairy gave me $101!

Well, $100.

What do I need this dollar for?

What the hell did you do?!

Did you think it was a dollar in the dark?

Me? What? Who carries a hundred-dollar bill

besides a high-class cokehead?

[CHUCKLES]

I have one guess.

The Tooth Fairy's real.

No! It's clearly your parents!

? ?

I cannot believe you gave Asher $100.

Oh, it wasn't us.

It was the Tooth Fairy.

There was only a dollar under there.

Did you think it was a 20 in the dark?

Why would you do that, Dad?

He's happy. What's the big deal?

You don't have the money to do this.

Oh, we always have money for our gorgeous grandchildren.

Yeah, David. We may be cash-poor,

but we're tooth-rich.

What does that even mean?

Guys, $100 for a tooth is way too much money.

It sets a terrible precedent.

But we wanted to see the excitement in Asher's eyes

and the smile on his face.

You're not going to get that with a dollar.

Look, it's all nice,

but it teaches them the wrong lesson about money.

We just had this conversation.

I want to be able to raise my kids

the way I was raised.

In Tampa?

No.

I want my kids to value what they have,

whether that's a little or a lot.

I mean, they're never going to learn the value of anything

if gifts and money are just thrown at them.

Like what you did with Dave.

It's hurtful but true.

We're their grandparents.

- Grandparents spoil. - Yes.

Yeah, when you would come over on a Saturday

and bring a treat, sure. That's fine.

But now that you live here, this stuff can't happen anymore.

Oh, all right. Fine.

It's your house, your rules.

But us not giving our perfect model grandchildren gifts

is only hurting them and us and you.

How is it hurting us?

I don't know!

I can't think straight when I'm frustrated!

It's true.

One time, she was at the DMV,

she told everybody she was 6'8".

It's true. It was a horrible experience.

I was there for three hours with nothing to nosh on!

Those people at the DMV are terrible hosts!

I'll be in my room!

Oh, great.

Now the only way to calm her down

would be to pour her a large sambuca,

put on Erykah Badu, and...

see what happens.

? ?

Just because we buy the kids gifts

doesn't mean that we're spoiling them.

Oh, look at that little sweet boy.

Hm, he's the real gift.

He really is.

Sweetie, honey, don't throw out your toy.

Then you'll have to use your imagination.

Yeah, what's wrong with this?

It's old.

Baby, I'm worried that we're ruining our grandchildren.

Should I cancel the trampoline?

? ?

? ?

This is so exciting.

It brings back such memories...

from yesterday.

To the fire! To the fire, we go!

- Uh-oh! No survivors! - Shh!

- To the fire! To the f... - Shh! Stop that!

Jesus, who would buy them such a loud toy?

We did. We're the best.

I'll grab the hundo,

you leave the note and the dollar.

Copy.

? ?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

What did you do?

What did they do? They did something.

You tell me what you did.

We didn't do anything.

Then why are you acting so weird?

We're... drunk.

The Tooth Fairy took the hundred back.

The Tooth Fairy hates me.

That's not true.

You took the money back?

The Tooth Fairy doesn't do that?

That's against the rules of whimsy!

I'm sorry! I thought the note would help.

Is that what this is?

Because the first half is written like a ransom note.

And the second half is in your handwriting.

Well, I got tired cutting all those little letters.

Can you imagine being a serial killer?

I mean, type it out. What are you, a psycho?

Y-Yes, Mom. That's their whole thing.

I mean, you... you put lipstick on and kissed the note.

Yes, I did.

"Dear Asher, sorry.

I overpaid.

Love, the Tooth Fairy.

P.S., you're gorgeous and look like a baby French model.

You have your daddy's sexy lips."

Well, he does.

And you are gorgeous.

Well, thanks. Now my son thinks the Tooth Fairy hates him.

He's gonna be traumatized for the rest of his life.

Tell your parents they're on notice!

I'm sorry, Rebecca.

Oh, David, what can we do?

- We can sneak in again. - No!

No more sneaking!

I hate when we upset you.

Well, then, stop doing it.

Just let us handle the parenting in our own home.

Wow.

Boy, the Tooth Fairy sure has gotten complicated.

I remember when it was just putting on a hat,

taking a couple of shots,

and tip-toeing in with a 20.

? ?

Hey. So is it okay if I invite Audrey

and her kids over for a playdate?

I mean, no, not really.

Joanna, our whole life is awkward playdates.

Why would we want to have one with someone we don't know?

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Because she's here.

Because she's here.

David, we really want to make Asher feel better.

What can we do to help?

You want to help?

You can, uh, entertain this playdate

that Joanna just sprung on me.

Audrey is here with her kids.

The mom that you fibbed to that smells like honey?!

Oh! I got to see and smell this.

I have no clue what you're talking about, but I'm in, too!

Okay, okay, Mom.

It would mean a lot to me if you guys can try to be normal

- for like an hour. - Oh, come on.

Joanna, you act like we don't know

how to behave in front of people.

We have been on this planet

a very long time, honey.

Oh, hello. You're at the wrong house.

We're waiting for a dumpy lesbian.

Mom!

What?

This is Audrey.

This? With the here and the there?

Very good, Joanna.

I'm sorry. I should not have had you come here.

- It's okay. - Oh, no, no! Do your thing.

You want something to eat?

I'll make the food. At this short notice,

- I can make four kinds of fish. - Do it!

All right, everybody's ready for their ice cream.

Hey, hey, guys.

I want you to meet some new friends of mine.

Hey. Where are your kids?

Oh, they drove separately.

"Drove"?

Hey. Is there a place I can pee?

You mean like a bathroom?

Uh, what's happening?

Oh, Joanna invited a playdate over, and the mom is super hot,

and the kids appear old enough to date.

Hey, what's your address?

My boyfriend's coming by. He's an MMA fighter.

Mnh-mnh. Not giving it to you.

Joanna, I didn't realize your niece and nephew were so young.

Yeah, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

They still have a lot in common.

Like she said, her boyfriend's an MMA fighter,

and Asher here just lost a tooth, so...

[CHUCKLES] Blood stuff.

The Tooth Fairy took my money back. She hates me.

Who cares? Tooth Fairy's not real.

It's just your parents.

[SQUEALS]

The [BLEEP] was that?

Do not curse in front of my kids.

How are you mad at me?

She just said that the Tooth Fairy's not real.

Look.

She probably shouldn't have said that,

but I'm glad she did.

I don't believe in lying to kids.

Well, we do!

It's just showing them

that you don't respect them as your equals.

They're not our equals.

That one? He's scared of macaroni.

And that one? She can't say her "L"s.

I mean, I love you, Hazel.

Wove you, Daddy.

You just ruined our kids' childhood.

Yeah, and you don't even seem sorry.

I'm not. I think we should leave.

Honestly? Your family is a lot.

Yeah, well, I think that's a great idea.

You know, I thought you were so cool

with your no-BS attitude,

but it turns out you're just a gorgeous, stunning,

arrogant jerk with legs for days!

I'm sorry it took a minute,

but one of the fish was still alive.

? ?

I'm just so sorry Audrey and her kids

turned out to be such jerks.

I thought she and I had a real connection,

but I guess I was just connecting with her beautiful, hot face.

- Oh, boy. - Don't forget the legs.

- I can still smell her. - DEBBIE: What a gorgeous girl.

Her butt, too, was tight.

I just feel so bad for Asher.

First, the Tooth Fairy steals money from him,

and then he finds out she's not even real.

You know, Rebecca, I know you probably don't trust us right now,

but I really think me and Stew could fix this.

Yeah, we have a real way with these things.

- Yeah. - Hmm, you don't,

but it can't get any worse, so why not?

- Come on, Stew. Come on. - All right, all right, all right.

You know, I think it actually can get worse,

so we're just gonna come and monitor the situation.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

Terrible.

Aw, sweetie. Come here.

Hey, you know when that perfect-looking woman's daughter

said that there was no Tooth Fairy,

it was your parents?

Well, she was telling the truth.

- What? - It's all right.

This is why we're here.

Mom, how is this a good plan?

Because, Asher, the Tooth Fairy is your parents.

For every little boy and girl around the world.

Yep.

We just really love teeth,

and we pay kids for them. The end.

So it's not the Tooth Fairy that hates me,

it's you guys?

Oh, no. Asher, we love you.

We love you, bud, but the 100 was an accident,

and we just didn't want to spoil you.

I can't believe you're the Tooth Fairy.

I have the best parents ever.

And the best grandparents, too.

When you die, will I become the Tooth Fairy?

Uh.

- Sure. Why not? - Yeah.

- Yay! - Yay!

- Yay! - Yay!

It's like we're cheering our death.

? ?

Whelp, for all you guys did wrong,

you were able to maintain Asher's childlike wonder.

I mean, you made his parents the real Tooth Fairy.

Honestly, to see my son look at me that way,

it's the best gift you could have given.

We're the best gift givers.

Everyone's talking about it.

We gave Henry Hurwitz an iPad.

The next year, his wife drops dead.

Now he's communicating with a woman in Oregon.

The best gift I ever got...

was a Chanel bathrobe.

Stay with us, Stew.

But, Rebecca, you were right.

Us giving the kids all those gifts was spoiling them.

That's right. Now that we live in your house,

we'll live by your rules.

- Thank you. - That's great.

But the minute we move out,

those kids are not gonna know what hit 'em!

? ?

Hi, kids. We are the Tooth Fairies.

We are a married couple who also run a business together.

Are there any questions?

Your costume makes no sense.

I feel like that's more of a comment than a question.

Are there any questions?

Yeah?

I didn't get money from my last tooth.

Oh, we will, uh, Venmo you.

What do you do with the teeth?

Uh, we... we make jewelry out of them.

Mm-hmm.

Why aren't you wearing any?

- Uh, we sell them at craft fairs. - Mm.

Which craft fairs?

Out-of-town craft fairs.

Stop with all the questions. Uh...

Tell them what happens when you die.

Um, when we die,

- Asher will become the Tooth Fairy. - Yeah.

Parents die?

- We got to go! - Let's scram!

? ?

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