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1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:04,805
- Boo, boo, boo, boo
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,976
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,913
Boo, boo, boo, boo
4
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:17,017
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
5
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:21,155
Boo, boo, boo, boo
6
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,657
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
7
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,658
- [laughs]
8
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,859
Ooh! [growls]
9
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,428
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,862
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,834
[cheerful music]
12
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:38,072
13
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,040
[cat meows]
14
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:45,946
15
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:53,187
- The carnies have arrived!
16
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,223
Lock up your pretty much
everything!
17
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,024
- Carnies have the life.
18
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,193
Travel, neck tats,
no showering.
19
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,561
- Dream job.
20
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,863
- Wolf, that guy
looks exactly like you.
21
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,964
Could that be your dad?
22
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,066
- No, my mom said
he had no ambition
23
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,102
and never wanted to do
anything with his life.
24
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,571
That guy's a carnie.
Dots don't connect.
25
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,106
- There she is.
26
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:15,075
Devil's Wheel.
My beautiful nemesis.
27
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:18,078
I've thrown up on every ride
at this fair but that one.
28
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:21,048
This is my year.
- You'll do it, Bex.
29
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,151
Remember, if you don't barf
all over the place,
30
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,719
the witches will
have been killed in vain.
31
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:32,260
32
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,496
- That's how I wanna go.
33
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,930
Oopsie.
34
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:40,301
- I just love the pageantry
of Witch Day.
35
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:44,138
- 100% historically accurate.
36
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:48,108
- When I grow up, can I be
a witch like Kimberly?
37
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:50,110
- I'm not a witch.
I'm a bitch.
38
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,111
- Ugh, Kimberly!
39
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,180
- Just another Witch Day secret
40
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,814
I have to write down.
41
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,283
- Oh,
you can't be a witch, Jing.
42
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,084
Then we'd have to kill you.
- [giggles]
43
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,119
- Witch Day is about
fanatically rooting out evil
44
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:00,921
inside ourselves
and killing it.
45
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,456
That's why every year
we write down
46
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,192
our deepest, darkest secret.
47
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:07,195
- Then we take the secret,
we put it in an envelope,
48
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,129
and we stuff it
into the witch's heart
49
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:12,166
at the festival...
50
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,635
where the town virgin
will burn them all,
51
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:18,105
purging us of evil
until next year.
52
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,175
And there's a carnival where
you can win a back scratcher!
53
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:23,644
Mmm, almost feels good.
54
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,879
- My Witch Day secret
is complete.
55
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,781
It's the deepest
and darkest yet.
56
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:31,352
- Is it that you once used PVC
instead of copper piping?
57
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,721
- I told you that
in confidence.
58
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,489
I'm so ashamed.
- I'm done.
59
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,958
- You flunked what?
- English.
60
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,159
Ugh, can't you read?
61
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,961
- Mom, you promised
when I turned 12,
62
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,363
I could do two things--
63
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,232
shave my legs and go
to Witch Day alone.
64
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,467
Remember?
- Did I say that?
65
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,002
Hmm, I don't remember--
- I already shaved my legs!
66
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,004
- [gasps]
Dunkie, get me the iodine!
67
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,973
- If you don't let me go to
Witch Day alone
68
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,142
and treat me like a grown-up,
I swear I'll run away!
69
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,577
- I'll help you pack!
70
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,579
- What's so important that you
need to go
71
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,348
to the festival alone?
72
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,250
- Nothing special.
73
00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,752
[hums]
74
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:08,722
[gasps]
75
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,492
- Hey.
76
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,160
- [gasps]
- Kimberly!
77
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,929
Come on, let's go bob for
apples in the children's tent.
78
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,198
Good thing you still
look like a little kid.
79
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,368
A little kid, a little kid,
a little kid...
80
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,370
- I don't want to grow up
afraid of the world.
81
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,372
I wanna be a strong, fearless,
82
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:26,507
independent woman like you,
Mom.
83
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,108
- Really?
Oh!
84
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,211
If you only knew how much I
love to hear things like that.
85
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,280
- If only.
86
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:34,047
- All right,
you can go by yourself.
87
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,250
both: Mmm!
- Thanks, Mom!
88
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,118
- Just when you think
you're not making
89
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,954
an impression on your kids,
you find out you're their hero.
90
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,023
- That's not exactly--
- Hero.
91
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,025
[phone rings]
- Jack's Plumbing.
92
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,761
Ask about our Witch Day
Septic Tank Cleanout.
93
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:48,929
What?
Oh dear.
94
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,931
Are you absolutely sure?
95
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,233
Thanks for letting us know.
- Letting us know what?
96
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:57,371
- Mrs. Martin died.
- Oh, that's so sad.
97
00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:02,209
- Now we have a shot at winning
the Witch Day Chili Cook-off!
98
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,212
[scats]
- Whoo-hoo!
99
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,247
She won the last ten years!
100
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,417
Oh, this is the best day
of my life!
101
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,251
Ooh, I need a new secret.
102
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:14,087
Last year I wished that
Mrs. Martin would die,
103
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,589
and then she did!
104
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,392
- [scats]
- [cheers, laughs]
105
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,461
Okay, here's the plan.
106
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,095
We go in,
we do a little mourning,
107
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,631
we lament how short life is,
108
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,299
we grab Mrs. Martin's
chili recipe
109
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,834
so we can win the cook-off,
and we're out.
110
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,436
No small talk.
Got it?
111
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:31,305
- Yes, but it is unseasonably
warm today, isn't it?
112
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:35,108
- Hello.
Welcome to Mother's mourning.
113
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:38,178
I'm Hans.
Come in.
114
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:41,349
- Hello, I'm Greta.
Are those cookies?
115
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,617
- Yes, I'll put them
in the kitchen.
116
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,119
- No, we eat our grief,
also our happiness.
117
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:49,289
- Yeah, all our feelings.
[munching]
118
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:52,693
- We've got about three minutes
to find that recipe.
119
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:59,700
Gold-plated goodness, those
chili trophies are beautiful!
120
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,502
- Why don't we just take one?
- No, Jack.
121
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,438
We have to earn it
by stealing her recipe.
122
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,374
[grunts]
123
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,943
- God, you're so sexy
when you're ransacking.
124
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:13,313
- Ugh!
Quick, lift me up!
125
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,315
Cupboards left to right!
126
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,485
Faberge egg,
Babe Ruth's glove,
127
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,453
the rest of the Zapruder film?
128
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,121
All worthless!
[gasps]
129
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,690
Her recipe box!
[gasps]
130
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,458
This is it.
The chili recipe!
131
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:27,961
- "Lure two healthy children
with candy and cake."
132
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,531
Wait, this is a recipe
for cooking children.
133
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,132
Should we alert
the authorities?
134
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,167
- Eh, she's dead.
What's done is done.
135
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,470
[gasps]
The recipe is not here, Jack.
136
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,972
- I know we agreed
to no small talk, Annie,
137
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,142
but it bears repeating, it is
unseasonably warm in here.
138
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,844
Maybe she's got a popsicle.
139
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,379
Darn it, only lime, orange,
lemon, grape, strawberry,
140
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,147
cherry, and passion fruit.
141
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,315
No guava!
- [gasps]
142
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,684
Is that what I think it is?
143
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,187
- It is.
It's the chili!
144
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,257
I'll have to wait
till it defrosts.
145
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,927
- All right, now we just have
to exit coolly.
146
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,362
[grunts]
147
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,665
[shivering]
Sorry for your loss.
148
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:05,933
- So sad.
149
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,938
- I told you Mother
was going to eat us.
150
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,540
- We were right to kill her.
151
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,542
- Oh, yeah.
You bet your sweet bippy.
152
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,544
[school bell rings]
153
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,912
- "The logs and the kindling
were laid on the pyre
154
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,949
to set witches ablaze
on a righteous fire."
155
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,017
There's the witch,
there's the angry mob.
156
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,519
Oh, and there's the moon!
157
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:26,787
- Take that, witches.
158
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,089
- I know I moved here
364 days ago
159
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,558
and this is my first Witch Day,
160
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,960
but you guys know there
were no witches, right?
161
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,195
- Yeah, because we got
rid of 'em all.
162
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,131
- This holiday actually
celebrates a dark chapter
163
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,734
in the town's history where,
when anything bad happened,
164
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,536
like crops failing or disease,
165
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,572
it was just easier to pin it
on a witch
166
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,239
because it gave them
someone to blame
167
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,407
for things
they didn't understand.
168
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:50,043
- I don't understand.
Witch!
169
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,546
- This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
170
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,448
"Witch" was a label for anyone
who was different.
171
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,984
Labels are dangerous
because they stick with you
172
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,619
even if they're not true.
173
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,054
- What do you know
about labels, Nose Ring?
174
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,123
- And last week the principal
accused Wolf
175
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,593
of stealing all the fish sticks
from the cafeteria,
176
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,561
then everyone called him
Cod Goblin.
177
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,162
- That hurt.
- My bad.
178
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:10,798
I came up with Cod Goblin.
179
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,833
- What if we had burned Wolf
at the stake,
180
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,835
only to find out
he was wrongfully accused?
181
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,604
- Stuff like this
is gonna change
182
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,572
when Kim Kardashian
becomes an attorney.
183
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,941
- Mr. Mitch,
you believe in witches, right?
184
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,577
- I believe in paid holidays
and three day weekends,
185
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,345
and this one delivers on both,
186
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,414
so yeah, I'm a believer.
187
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,282
[school bell rings]
Happy Witch Day!
188
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,785
[all cheer]
- [sighs]
189
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,622
[both slurp]
190
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,389
- [gargle]
191
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,092
- I'm getting notes of beef.
192
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,194
- Maybe a rooted vegetable.
193
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,963
Carrot?
Turnip?
194
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,632
No, rutabaga!
195
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,867
There's just one more
ingredient I can't place.
196
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,602
It's on the tip of my tongue.
197
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:50,203
- Mommy, can I have some chili?
198
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,506
- Sorry, honey,
this chili is not for dinner.
199
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,608
We're just trying
to figure out what's in it.
200
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,610
- Smells like...
[sniffs]
201
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,046
truffles.
both: Truffles!
202
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,614
- Annie,
where do we get truffles?
203
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,282
- I smelled them in the woods.
204
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,051
- Why were you in the woods?
205
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,219
- Mrs. Martin lured me there
with candy.
206
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,855
But then two adult-sized babies
207
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:11,291
put a sack over her head
and clubbed her, so I ran away.
208
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,460
- Honey, shouldn't
we alert the authorities?
209
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,696
- She's dead.
What's done is done.
210
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,000
- Everybody give it up
for Mayor Jen!
211
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,669
[all cheer]
212
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,071
- What's up, witches?
[all cheer]
213
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,639
All right, people.
214
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,808
Now for the one who lights
everyone's fire,
215
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,477
our longest serving town
virgin.
216
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,480
Give it up,
because she never has, Alice!
217
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,916
- Hi.
[all gasp]
218
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,484
- What the hell's wrong
with her stomach?
219
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,052
- She has a baby in there.
220
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:41,655
- Immaculate deception!
She's pregnant!
221
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,357
- No, I'm not!
- Oh, please.
222
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,694
Come on, that sash
isn't kicking itself.
223
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,361
You, my dear, are with child.
224
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,663
[all boo]
225
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,732
- Okay, fine!
I met someone!
226
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,233
I'm the happiest
I've ever been!
227
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,035
[all boo]
228
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,504
- This will not define
my term, people!
229
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,539
- Ugh.
- All right, don't worry.
230
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,041
We've prepared for this.
231
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,743
All of the eligible virgins
in town
232
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,878
have submitted their names.
233
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:05,946
We're okay.
234
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,948
[laughter]
235
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,117
- Who would be stupid enough
to put their name in that?
236
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:13,453
- Duncan Harris
is the new town virgin!
237
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,955
- What happened?
238
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:18,125
- Oh, you just got screwed,
but not the good kind.
239
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,961
all:
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
240
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,266
- My son, the town virgin.
241
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,101
What an honor.
Every mother's dream.
242
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,137
- Oh, why was my name
even in there?
243
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,772
- I submit it every year.
244
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,374
I want the whole town
to know that I raised
245
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,210
a confident young man
who still has his flower.
246
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,913
- How do you even know that
I still have...my flower?
247
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,116
[laughter]
248
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,121
- This is gonna make you
so popular, Dunkie.
249
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,590
Take it from me,
girls love virgin guys.
250
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,492
They know they're safe
with you.
251
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,928
- This is humiliating.
- What are you talking about?
252
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,563
You're a celebrity.
253
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,331
You're gonna light that witch
on fire
254
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,800
and everyone's gonna
be shouting your name,
255
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,735
"Virgin! Virgin!"
- [groans]
256
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,004
That's not my name!
- It is now.
257
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,974
I just changed your
birth certificate online.
258
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,575
- [groans loudly]
259
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,744
- Are you sure, Jing?
- Positive.
260
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:13,113
I smelled the truffles
right around here.
261
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,748
- You gotta be sure.
262
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:18,118
- [sniffs]
Oh yeah.
263
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,988
[gibberish, grunting]
264
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,022
- Oh, she's on to something,
Jack!
265
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,124
Unleash her!
266
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,059
- Yeah!
[pants]
267
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,196
- Couldn't we have just gone
to Whole Foods?
268
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,998
- Yeah, but look at how
much fun she's having.
269
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,465
- [sniffs]
270
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,035
[pig grunts]
271
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,536
[yells]
272
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,038
[pig squeals]
273
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,607
[sniffs]
Got it!
274
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,011
- That'll do, Jing.
That'll do.
275
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,613
- Well, guess who we're
having for dinner?
276
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,948
[pig squeals]
277
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,050
[indistinct chatter]
278
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,287
[hip-hop music playing]
279
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,823
- Cumin?
Really?
280
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:57,958
- No, well,
those are decoy ingredients.
281
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,192
- Hmm.
282
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,794
- Okay, Jack, put in
283
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,163
two heaping scoops of cumin.
284
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,965
Put that down!
I'm acting!
285
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:08,068
- You're so talented!
I believed it.
286
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,670
- It's gonna be a little while
until these dogs are barking.
287
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,073
The secret is,
I let 'em thaw out.
288
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,875
- I can wait.
289
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,409
You haven't put
the mustard out?
290
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:17,845
Did you bring mustard
this year?
291
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,046
You have to have mustard!
292
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:22,883
Oh, thank God.
He loves mustard.
293
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,252
- You were right, Mia.
Labels are wrong.
294
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,821
I don't want to be Duncan
the Virgin for 20 years,
295
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:31,058
and then wind up living in
a shack in the woods,
296
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:34,527
with kids daring each other to
run up and touch my front door.
297
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,396
- I think there's a way
I can fix your problem.
298
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,531
- Really?
We could, uh, do it
299
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,267
and then tell the whole town
how amazing it was?
300
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,402
- What? No.
- All right, fine.
301
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,837
I'll tell the whole town
how amazing it was.
302
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,105
- Just stop.
303
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,539
If we steal the witch,
304
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:47,908
they can't have
their horrible festival,
305
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,709
and then they won't
need a virgin.
306
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,044
- But if they cancel
the festival,
307
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,612
I can't have funnel cake!
308
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,014
- Do you wanna have
funnel cake
309
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,448
or be the laughingstock
of the town?
310
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,550
- Oh, you know
I want funnel cake!
311
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,619
- Fine, you can have
some funnel cake
312
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,621
and then we steal the witch.
- Yay!
313
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,925
I think this is gonna work.
314
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,659
[grunts]
315
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,899
- This is brilliant.
316
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,801
Now if the town finds another
virgin
317
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,703
to set the witch on fire,
it'll be me!
318
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,938
[chuckles]
319
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,776
Aw, Bex,
you didn't think this through.
320
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:28,949
[hums languidly]
321
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,585
[snoring]
- Okay, witch,
322
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,387
bury my secret forever.
323
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,889
[both yell]
324
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,157
- The witch is gone!
325
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:40,060
- What kinda evil person
would steal a witch?
326
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,261
- A witch!
327
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,296
- Without our effigy,
Witch Day can't
328
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:44,932
officially begin, can it?
Nope.
329
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,901
No chili cook-off,
close the corndog booth,
330
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,903
shut down the Devil's Wheel.
331
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,338
Shut it all down!
332
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,106
- [gasps] My chili!
- My witch mix!
333
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,741
- My Mustard Boy!
334
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,111
- If I don't burn something,
I'm gonna lose my mind!
335
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,181
[all yell]
336
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,783
- We can't let
a witch stealer steal
337
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,919
our soon-to-be-award-winning
chili thunder!
338
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:09,189
- Young man, if you do not tell
me where the real witch is,
339
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,858
I swear I will light you
on fire.
340
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,592
- Mrs. Harris, it's me, Bex!
341
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,494
- Oh, Bex!
342
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,196
If you don't tell me
where the real witch is,
343
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,331
I swear I will light you
on fire.
344
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:21,134
- It was Duncan!
I don't know where they went!
345
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,803
- Mommy!
- Ah!
346
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,538
So many stairs!
All right, Jing.
347
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:26,806
Go find your brother.
348
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,942
- [sniffs]
He's that way!
349
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,811
[all clamoring]
- We've got to find him!
350
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:34,982
- Clean getaway.
351
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,716
I wiped our tracks away
with a tree branch
352
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:39,786
and peed on several bushes
to throw them off the trail.
353
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,821
This isn't my first getaway.
354
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,991
- Okay, Mia, what's
the next part of the plan?
355
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,525
- Just wait it out
until the town
356
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:46,994
finds something new
to be mad about.
357
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,528
[phones chime]
358
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,998
- "Oakdale Witch Kidnapped
by New Town Virgin.
359
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,533
Angry Mob Vows To Be Mad
For Rest of Lives."
360
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:55,835
- This town has some
real anger issues.
361
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,138
I hate it so much!
362
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,907
Oh, my God.
I have to move.
363
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,674
- Hey, they mentioned us too.
364
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,376
They ranked us in order
of probable virginity.
365
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,645
You won't believe
who number three is.
366
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,847
- Is it me?
- Yes.
367
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,182
- We can never go back.
368
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,918
We have to start
a new life here.
369
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,853
A new society, like
after a zombie apocalypse.
370
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,488
[moaning]
371
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,357
- [grunting]
- Stab, dead! Yeah!
372
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,027
- You're the sexiest zombie
slayer alive, Duncan.
373
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,029
- Tell me something
I don't know,
374
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,864
hot girl who sees the good man
beneath my dark side.
375
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:28,235
[zombies moaning]
376
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,370
- Oh, no, Duncan,
you've been bit.
377
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,039
Yeah, we'd better
make out quick
378
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,174
before your flesh falls off
and you eat my brains.
379
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,575
- With pleazh.
380
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:36,944
[knocking at door]
381
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,179
- Duncan,
somebody's trying to get in!
382
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,247
- Zombies?
383
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,381
- It's your hot mom
384
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,782
and that guy
she's too good for.
385
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,251
- Dunkie!
Open up!
386
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,852
- You're not in trouble, son!
387
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,388
Witch Day is
a barbaric tradition
388
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,023
and we're proud of you!
389
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,659
- It's time somebody ended it!
390
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,895
Oh, thank God,
we were worried sick
391
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:58,431
about the chili cook-off
being cancelled.
392
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,067
Cuff him, Jack-o.
393
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,936
- Again, your acting is--
is simply amazing.
394
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,737
- Good work.
395
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,273
- Mmm!
Mm.
396
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:09,209
Sorry, Duncan, this nose
is my greatest strength
397
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,044
and my greatest weakness.
398
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:12,279
Take him away, Jack-o.
399
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,047
- We got the witch!
400
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:18,318
- And the virgin!
Witch Day is back on!
401
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:23,090
- [panting] Duncan!
The whole town's--
402
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,857
oh, never mind.
You know.
403
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:32,232
[all cheering]
404
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,934
- Ugh, how could you
do this to me?
405
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,903
- Someday when you have kids
of your own
406
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,738
and you really wanna win
a chili competition,
407
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,307
then you'll understand.
408
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,342
- All right!
- Whoo-hoo!
409
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,911
- We did it!
Witch Day is back on!
410
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,247
[all cheer]
411
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,983
all: For he's
a jolly good virgin
412
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,019
For he's
a jolly good virgin
413
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,487
For he's a jolly good
virgin
414
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,456
Who everyone has denied
415
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,491
- Do your duty, Duncan.
416
00:15:58,525 --> 00:15:59,959
all: Virgin! Virgin!
417
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,495
Virgin! Virgin!
418
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,664
- He'll be our virgin forever!
419
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,866
- Forever!
- [gasps]
420
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,805
- Oh, poor Duncan!
This is horrible.
421
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,307
I'll have no grandchildren.
422
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,776
Oh, no, Jack.
What have we done?
423
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,978
- You're accusing me of being
a virgin,
424
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:21,048
and your accusations
are correct,
425
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,949
but what about all the people
426
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,052
with false accusations
that were burned?
427
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,953
Witch Day is wrong.
428
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,955
I can't remember
all the reasons why,
429
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,723
but Mia can tell you.
430
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,492
- No,
we love our misguided beliefs!
431
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,161
- Don't you try
to enlighten us!
432
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,729
- We love being dumb
and burning stuff!
433
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,132
- Then maybe it's time
you got burned.
434
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,967
I'm gonna read
your darkest secrets.
435
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,569
- He's bluffing!
436
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,071
- Yeah,
and he's a terrible reader.
437
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,005
I'm his teacher,
so that's on me.
438
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,175
- Okay, dark secret
number one,
439
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,842
"I wear a blue baseball cap
440
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,144
to hide the fact
that I am balding."
441
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,012
[all gasp]
- That could be anybody!
442
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,514
- Dark secret number two,
443
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,349
"I don't really believe
in witches.
444
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,051
"I just like three-day weekends
445
00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:00,320
to get baked
and work on my music."
446
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,189
- Damn!
Hey, that dude's bald!
447
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,656
Everyone look at him!
448
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,092
- Dark secret number three,
449
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,194
"I cheated
on my spouse with--"
450
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,028
all: Stop!
- For the love of God,
451
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:10,330
give him what he wants!
452
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,565
- I'll tell you what I want.
453
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,567
What do I want, Mia?
454
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,204
- You want to cancel
Witch Day, right?
455
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,005
- Um, yeah, sure.
456
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,040
I mean it is
a horrible tradition,
457
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:25,412
but this is my first one and
it actually looks kinda fun.
458
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:28,081
I didn't know there would
be rides and games.
459
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,182
Is that a standing
roller coaster?
460
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,084
I have always wanted
to try one.
461
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,385
- Make up your mind, girl.
462
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,088
Are we outraged or not?
It affects my setlist.
463
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,623
- Okay, what about
a compromise?
464
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,191
Have a fun Witch Day,
465
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,059
but also set up
an information booth
466
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,361
that tells the story
467
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,029
of the town's barbaric
witch burnings.
468
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,597
- Information booth?
469
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:47,200
I don't know if the taxpayers
will go for it.
470
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,236
- "I asked a foreign government
to dig up dirt on--"
471
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,670
- Booth approved!
472
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,577
- And I am not gonna be
the town virgin
473
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,646
or burn the witch.
474
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,150
Ah!
Ugh!
475
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,984
- Dunkie's on fire!
476
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:08,054
- We need some sort
of liquid to put him out!
477
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,722
- Use your chili
to save Duncan!
478
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:13,160
- Of course, our
sure-to-win-first-place chili!
479
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,061
Are we hesitating?
480
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,063
- No!
Hey, is that a rain cloud?
481
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,099
- Throw it!
- Okay!
482
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,170
- Ow, ow, ow.
483
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,506
[yelling]
484
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,143
- We're sorry we let
our competitive nature
485
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,911
cloud our judgment.
486
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,947
- Winning means nothing
if something happened to you.
487
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,417
- Are you the people
that splashed all over me?
488
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,652
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't be.
489
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,422
It's so good,
I ate down to my bone.
490
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,192
And the winner is
Annie and Jack Harris!
491
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,959
[cheers, scattered boos]
492
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,928
- Look at her, Jack.
493
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,264
When I die,
I want my ashes in there.
494
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:52,332
- You got it, baby!
495
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,667
- Mommy's gonna live
in there someday.
496
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,303
- We're proud of you, Dunker.
497
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,137
Standing up for Mia's beliefs.
498
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:01,274
You may still be a virgin,
but today you became a man.
499
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,309
- I'm proud of you too.
500
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,543
You stole that dead woman's
chili
501
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:04,977
and you made it your own.
502
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:08,181
[cheering, screaming]
503
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,217
[chuckling]
504
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,051
- [groans]
505
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,753
[both yelling]
- Slide.
506
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,123
You got this, Bex.
507
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,491
- [retches]
- Yeah!
508
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,295
- Victory!
My filling!
509
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,897
both: Nice.
510
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,699
[chill music playing]
511
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,968
- You can buy one CD for five,
512
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,737
two for five,
or three for five--
513
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:34,541
- Nah, I'm good.
- Get your bald ass outta here.
514
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:37,210
- Women were unfairly branded
witches
515
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:40,213
due to viral outbreaks,
bad weather, poor harvests,
516
00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:43,316
all exacerbated
by their economic status.
517
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,553
So to answer your question,
the bathroom's over there.
518
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:53,092
- Well, you know what
they say, movements take time.
519
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,028
I read that on one
of your T-shirts once.
520
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,564
- Wanna ride the Ferris wheel?
521
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,966
- Yes!
I mean, I dunno. Sure.
522
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,905
- Fresh batch of dogs.
Woof-woof.
523
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,207
- Hey, sorry I said I was
gonna kill and eat you.
524
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:11,611
You gotta know by now
it was an idle threat.
525
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,513
You know that's pork.
526
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,515
[both laugh]
527
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,618
You are one freaky little pig.
528
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,053
- Guess he's not gonna show.
529
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,556
[sighs]
One, please.
530
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:29,195
531
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,297
You came back!
532
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,765
- Hey, I was hoping
I'd see you again.
533
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,734
I've been thinking of you
since last Witch Day.
534
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:35,935
- You have?
535
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,203
- Ow!
My eyes!
536
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,205
It burns!
It burns!
537
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,073
- I'll wash it out!
538
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,943
- Ow, oh!
You're killing me!
539
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:47,213
- I'm so sorry!
See you next year!
540
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,416
Mom!
541
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,951
[laughter, cheers]
542
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:54,053
543
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,855
- [cackles]
544
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:05,765
- Congratulations
on your chili trophy.
545
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,834
- What?
- Mrs. Martin!
546
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,269
- You stole my chili.
547
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:13,606
Now I'm gonna steal
your children.
548
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,909
[cackles]
549
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,445
- Oh, was that a dream?
550
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,613
- I don't know.
Do people share dreams?
551
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,315
[haunting moaning]
- [snoring]
552
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:24,451
- She's back,
and she eats children!
553
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,485
- Ah!
554
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:27,487
[haunting moaning]
555
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:32,359
- And that's why
we witch-proof!
556
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,368
-Yaah!
-ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
the world of Duncanville.
39553
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