Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

children: Psychotown!

Large cappuccino, thanks.

No.

Sorry?

The Italians only drink cappuccino for breakfast,

and I won't appropriate their culture

by serving it at 2:00 p. m.

My family comes from Italy, and we drink it whenever.

‐Oh, what part? ‐Uh, Sicily.

‐What part? ‐The east coast. Why do you‐‐

‐What part? ‐Well, what does it‐‐

What part? What part? What part?

Oh, bloody hell, Syracuse, okay?

Ah, Syra‐kooz‐ah, beautiful town.

Exactly, so‐‐

Founded by the ancient Greeks.

You're not Italian at all.

Okay, then I'll have a black coffee instead.

I can't serve you coffee, full stop.

Why not?

Your European forefathers

stole coffee from the Maltese Muslims.

I won't be an accomplice.

Okay, then a hot chocolate.

The Hondurans were robbed of their cacao beans by Columbus,

so unless you have some Bajo Aguán blood...

‐Tea? ‐Are your forebears

from Yunnan province in southern China?

‐Hot milk. ‐Do you have bovine ancestry?

‐Hot soy milk. ‐Are you related

to the traditional owners

of the deforested Amazonian basin

that houses the world's soybean plantations?

Yes.

Oh, which tribe?

Orange juice, then.

Surely I'm allowed an orange juice.

You can have an orange juice.

(sighs)

If you respect the fruit.

Of course I'll respect it.

Oh, great, so you'll eat it seeds whole,

pass them through your digestive tract,

and defecate them somewhere they can germinate.

You want me to take a shit in the street.

I want you to be respectful.

Do you?

(grunts)

(groaning)

Ah.

(sniffs)

What do you think of that?

Are you sure you don't have bovine ancestry?

(dynamic music)

♪ ♪

(boat creaking)

(snoring)

(door bangs)

Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!

Move! Go for it!

Where are we?

‐Get your hips moving! ‐(yells)

You don't just get to pick a time when the shark walks by.

We gotta be prepared.

‐(yelling) ‐That is some beautiful action,

Braden, beautiful.

BRADEN: Imagine, like, you've managed

to lift this goliath onto the ship,

and then your Reg Grundies hit your ankles,

and right as you're about to go,

you look down and... you're limp as a cooked carrot.

No, not me, mate.

We gotta practice.

KENNETH: Move, Braden! Do it again!

Oh.

(both laugh)

Oh, that's a personal best

and a very solid test run.

‐Okay, mate. ‐Oh.

All right, you get some rest.

We'll get ready to dominate

those real finnies in the morning.

‐Okay. ‐Love you.

Love you.

(door bangs)

Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!

Okay!

NARRATOR: Since the dawn of time,

sharks have ruled the seas.

Now two men will fight to take their kingdom

by force.

BRADEN: Last time out, we failed to dominate the shark,

and that was my dunder as the leader,

while it was Tim's dunder in the literal sense

because he dropped the bag‐‐

No, Kenneth had a seizure.

Okay, because he was off his meds, mate,

but he's fixed that problem now, haven't you, bud?

Have you fixed your problem of having shit for brains?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't want to get confrontational.

I apologize, mate.

Okay, now what we're gonna do today

is just a very simple trust exercise.

So I want you to say your name.

You're gonna tell us your dream holiday.

What's my dream holiday?

And then you're gonna follow it

just with your deepest, darkest secret, okay?

So, Kenneth, you want to start us off, mate?

Sure.

Okay, well, my name's Kenneth,

and the perfect holiday would be

being dropped in a jungle completely nude

and having to kill my way out.

And my secret would be...

well, a couple of years ago when I was living in Brisbane,

I got really rat‐assed one night

and hit my mate Bruce in a car.

So, um...

BRADEN: Holy shit.

You hit‐‐ you hit Bruce?

Yeah.

BRADEN: You testified against that guy.

Who was that?

I actually don't know.

BRADEN: Jesus.

KENNETH: Oh, well, here's another one.

Yeah, so I guess I, uh,

helped convict someone of a crime they didn't commit,

and they're doing a reasonable stretch,

and that, uh...

yeah, that haunts me every day.

I bet it does. I bet it does.

Good work, mate.

Okay, Dr. Evelyn?

Oh, all right, uh...

my name's Dr. Evelyn Allen.

My dream holiday, that would be

reading a nice steamy romance novel on a beach in Fiji.

(chuckles)

And my secret,

15 years ago, I was diagnosed with dementia.

BRADEN: Great work, Doctor.

Tim?

Sorry, are you allowed to practice marine biology?

Yeah, I'm allowed out. I mean‐‐

Uh‐uh, no, don't‐‐ don't answer that.

Tim, this isn't an exercise for you to judge people, mate.

She's just bared her soul.

You're not gonna chastise her for it.

Oh, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.

‐I'm sorry. ‐Oh, no worries. No problem.

I didn't‐‐I wasn't judging you.

I didn't know you had dementia.

Good, okay.

We're getting stronger.

Tim.

Um, well, my name's Tim.

Um, my dream holiday would be,

like, a ski resort in the Alps or something.

And secret, um... (clears throat)

When I was ten years old, I was at a party,

and we were playing Spin the Bottle,

and I had to kiss my cousin Lucy.

So, yeah, I've never told anyone that.

KITTY: Okay, um, me next.

So, hi, my name's Kitty,

um, and I‐‐ (laughter)

(laughing) I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

BRADEN: Why the fuck would you play with your cousin?

EVELYN: Okay, come on now, Braden.

You said that this would be a safe place.

BRADEN: No, it is. It is.

I apologize. It is.

And also, we can relate.

We used to play a lot of Strip Poker with our family.

(laughter)

KENNETH: Oh, full house.

Time to see Grandma's full bush.

(laughter)

TIM: (laughs mockingly)

"I got drunk and crippled someone with my car."

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, that's, uh...

It's really not that funny, mate.

Yeah, I think it's hilarious.

You think drunken driving is hilarious?

No, absolutely not. Of course I don't.

I'm just annoyed that they're laughing at me

'cause I had to kiss my cousin.

(laughter)

Again.

Would you say it again?

(laughing)

What's your secret?

Okay, my secret is that I do not have any secrets.

Fuck you.

I don't, and that's why I've called this,

so that we can get stronger

and that we can be open books just like I am

so we can trust each other.

It's vital. Kitty?

Um, yeah, okay.

So, um, my name's Kitty,

and I think that my dream holiday

would actually be just being here with all of you.

‐KENNETH: Oh, my God. ‐BRADEN: That is so sweet.

KENNETH: Yes, lovely. That's really sweet.

Uh, and my secret is that, um, I have a boyfriend,

um, but I've actually

got really strong feelings for, uh, somebody else.

‐Oh. ‐Ooh, very juicy.

I hope for your sake it's not Tim's cousin

'cause she's already spoken for.

(laughter)

Um, it's not.

I'm in love with Braden.

Yeah.

I do feel terrible, though, um,

because of his wife and son.

(laughing) Don't say that.

(sentimental piano music)

KITTY: And I'd never really fancied myself a homewrecker.

BRADEN: Put Little Braden on.

No, I don't want to be sexually aroused

when I'm talking to my son.

(laughs)

Ah, there he is, you stupid idiot.

(laughs)

How ya going, you little carpet grub?

Maybe in the next life hopefully?

Yeah.

(electronic music)

(electronic music)

(extreme, dramatic music)

(punches landing)

What is up?

Dreener's Dreen Team captain Devin Dreen here.

Yo, today we are hitting 20 million subscribers.

(cheers and applause)

Yo, if you haven't joined the Dreen Team yet,

go ahead and hit that subscribe button, yo.

Yo, pull on that. (duck quacks)

(squeaky voice) Wow!

'Cause the 20 millionth subscriber

is gonna get flown down to Florida, baby, first class

to be featured in my new music video.

MAN: ♪ Let's go, drink Dreen ♪

It's gonna be a banger.

(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

(clock ticking)

MAN: You know, you're a lot older than I thought you'd be.

And is that a problem?

No, that's‐‐that's fine.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Whatever.

Oh, there's no smoking in here.

It's not smoke. It's a vape.

Excuse me?

Hey, it's vapor.

‐It's not smoke. ‐I'm sorry. It's not allowed.

(exhales)

(whispers) Jesus.

All right, let's do this. Let's talk.

Okay, what would you like to talk about?

I don't know.

Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to tell you

about how my mother's ruining my life?

Well, I don't know. Is that why you're here?

Yeah, it is.

She's making me,

otherwise she's gonna kick me out of the house

'cause I have to live with her

'cause I'm an absolute fuckin' piece of shit.

And is she making you, or do you choose to?

Do I choose to?

Oh, yeah, no, that's right.

Yeah, I've always dreamed of being a 30‐year‐old troll

that lives with his mother after getting fired from a job

working the furnace of a cinnamon bun factory.

Yep, I can tell you're being sarcastic.

Yeah, and I can tell why you have 3 1/2 stars on Yelp.

(sighs)

Is this common for you to put people down?

Oh, why, because I'm a troll?

Oh, you think we all just talk shit,

go online, harass people,

spread viruses on their computer?

No, I'm not stereotyping you as a troll.

I'm just referring to our interaction.

You just put me down.

Oh, well, did I hurt your feelings, princess?

Well, yeah, you did kind of a little bit, yeah.

Oh, well.

(clears throat) I'm sorry.

I think I just get scared sometimes.

I go on the offensive.

And why do you think that is?

Why do I think that is?

I‐‐I don't know. (sighs)

Maybe I see things that people don't think I see,

you know, these little gestures, nuance.

So, yeah, I go online. I do talk shit.

I do harass people.

I spread pop‐up viruses on their computers specifically.

(clears throat) I don't know.

Maybe it makes me feel better

to make other people feel like me...

Like garbage.

I think it's very impressive how quickly you open up.

You just‐‐

you are very articulate.

Mm‐hmm.

You are a very interesting person.

(sniffs)

Now, what‐‐

what‐‐what's making you emotional right now?

You just said that I was a person,

and most people just call me a troll.

(clock ticking)

WOMAN: ♪ Bitch, I'm nasty ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm‐‐ bitch, I'm nasty ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(splash)

Hey, Kenneth, how's it going?

Pretty good.

KITTY: Braden's just on the phone to his family.

Whoo!

Must be so cool to be an uncle.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What about, um...

What about Braden's wife?

Do you like her?

Oh, Jordana, oh, she's amazing.

Yeah, she's funny, smart, attractive.

Haven't actually met her or the kid,

but Braden's told me a grip of stories about him.

Sounds wicked.

You haven't‐‐ you haven't met either of them.

No.

I got some photos, though.

That's not it. That's a toilet.

No, potatoes.

Here you go, Braden's family.

(chuckles)

Jordana, Braden Jr., and that's their dog.

Now then.

I don't‐‐I don't think this photo is real, though.

(laughs)

What, are you an idiot?

Of course it's real.

Look at it and feel it.

Yeah, um, I think

that somebody's Photoshopped, um, Braden's head

onto this other person's body here.

See the others? They've got a neck,

but he doesn't have one.

‐You know, when you‐‐ ‐Nah.

No, no, 'cause he's just a little bit...

More‐‐more tan in that one.

I'm gonna go to bed.

So... Yep.

(ominous music)

♪ ♪

(rock music)

MAN: ♪ G‐g‐goodness, gracious ♪

Ah, Mr. Alfonsi.

Sorry I'm late.

I was in custody for public defecation.

Oh, let me guess:

you need to trace your ancestry

to see what beverages you're allowed to drink.

Exactly.

Yes, a lot of public defecators

are coming in for that lately.

We can do a DNA test right here in the lab.

All I need is a sample:

‐saliva, hair... ‐Okay.

Urine, semen, vomit, poo...

‐Yeah, here. ‐Vomit mixed with urine,

semen mixed with poo.

Here.

Okay, fine.

Would have been nice having some poo on it, but anyway.

(computer beeps and whirs)

Oh, interesting.

It says that you're descended from...

From who?

From...

A trilobite.

A what?

(computer chimes)

A trilobite from Siberia 500 million years ago.

He was 3 millimeters long, and his name was Victor.

What did he drink?

He ingested an exclusive diet of mashed worms.

Worms.

(computer chimes)

Aquatic worms mashed into a pulp.

So if I stick to those, I should be safe.

Yes, now get the fuck out of my office.

Why would you say that?

Because I'm descended from aquatic worms, asshole.

(electronic music)

(chill music)

(beeping)

(breath whooshing) Yo, yo, yo, yo.

And look at us now, Dreeners.

We are the biggest family in the world,

and we do not let haters tell us what we can't do.

So today in honor of 20 mil, I'm gonna teach you all

something else that the haters say I can't do.

(drum roll)

How to drive home drunk.

‐(air horn blasts) ‐(hip‐hop music)

Yo, uh, uh, so for all my Dreeners that are underage,

without a license, please, please, please, make sure

that you at least practice on GTA, Mario Kart,

Need for Speed, or whatever the‐‐

(loud crash)

Whoa, yo.

Dang.

Okay.

(pants)

Oh, yo, let's do some cardio, boys!

(laughs) 20 mil, 20 mil, 20 mil.

‐(siren wails) ‐Oh, buddy.

Listen, just chill, brah. Just chill.

Everything's cool with the cops

if you got a face like this, all right?

(electric guitar)

MAN: Yeah!

(rhythmic bass drum music)

♪ ♪

(insects humming)

Okay, this is the place.

(speaking Russian)

Oh, hey, guys.

(speaking Russian)

Sorry, uh, I don't speak trilobite.

I'm, uh, a relative of Victor's.

You know, Victor?

He lived here, uh, a while ago.

So I‐‐I'm moving here to live with you guys

and ingest mashed worms.

Hey, I, uh, brought some human food for you to try

so it's a fair swap: Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts.

(screaming)

(rhythmic bass drum music)

(electronic music)

(crash)

♪ ♪

(relaxed music)

BRADEN: ♪ Oh, Jimmy came down to bunt some swallows ♪

♪ Jimmy came down to bunt them hard ♪

♪ Jimmy came down to bunt some swallows ♪

Oh, how you goin', mate?

KENNETH: Yeah, good.

‐You got a sec? ‐I sure do.

What's going on?

Uh, man, uh, I just had a conversation

with Kitty last night.

‐Yeah? ‐And, um...

She was just asking a lot of questions

about Jordana and Braden Jr.

Oh.

Yeah, what about her?

She was just saying that maybe I haven't met 'em, um,

because maybe they don't exist.

(tense music)

(scoffs)

(laughing)

(coughs) Don't exist?

(both laugh)

Like, I'm having conversations with them

on the phone every night.

It'd be‐‐it'd be totally insane if they didn't exist.

(laughing) I know.

Hello? Hello, son?

Just wait, pause.

No one's there.

Hello, wife? Wait, pause, no one's there.

No.

I know, honestly, I think she might be a little bit you know.

‐No, she's insane. ‐KENNETH: Yeah.

So we can call 'em?

What's that?

Well, we can call 'em, right, just to‐‐

just wanna call and say hi.

What are you talking about, mate?

What is this, just to, like,

prove that they're at home where we all live together?

No, no, no.

Just want to catch up on lost time.

Well, no, you can't call 'em now.

They're not home.

She's taking Little Braden to school, you crazy doof.

Well, we could call them on the mobile.

Psst.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

What's the number?

0491 570 156.

‐(phone buttons beeping) ‐Shit.

(line trilling)

WOMAN: Hello?

‐Hello, is that Jordana? ‐I‐‐I told you.

Hon, we'll call you back. I know you're driving.

WOMAN: Who is this?

Give me the phone. She's gonna get a ticket!

‐Shut up. ‐Okay, okay, okay, yep.

‐WOMAN: Hello? ‐Is this Braden's wife?

WOMAN: Uh, no, sorry.

I‐‐I think you've got the wrong number.

So you don't know anyone named Braden.

WOMAN: I went on a blind date once

with some guy named Braden.

He was a extreme sport idiot or whatever.

So what's going on here?

BRADEN: Hello, my name is Braden.

Uh, my dream holiday would just be to spend, like,

a lazy Sunday with my wife and son.

KENNETH: (clears throat)

And your secret is?

And my secret

is that I do not

have a wife and son.

(laughs) I knew it.

‐Ha! ‐EVELYN: Tim.

Oh, come on, that's hilarious.

You don't think that's funny

that he made up he has a wife and son?

Oh, whatever.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I lied about having a family.

KITTY: No, it's not true.

It's not because you do have a family,

and we're all here.

Thank you.

(tender music)

‐I love you. ‐I love you, too, mate.

I love you, babe.

Yeah, come on. Come on, let's bring it in.

‐Come on, Tim. ‐EVELYN: Yes, come on, Tim.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Let's go fuck that shark.

♪ ♪

BRADEN: Come on, punch it!

KENNETH: I can't punch him.

I'm holding him. Tim!

TIM: I'm not gonna punch a shark!

KENNETH: We're losing him. We're losing him!

BRADEN: Oh, damn it.

KITTY: What happened?

BRADEN: I slipped.

EVELYN: Did you do it?

BRADEN: Tim, do you want to answer that?

TIM: I'm not gonna punch a shark.

BRADEN: (groans) You gotta trust us, mate.

We just did the exercise.

TIM: Yeah, and you all laughed at me

when I said I kissed my cousin.

(laughter)

KENNETH: It's still good.

WOMAN: ♪ When I hop out ♪

♪ They gon' call me Rico Bruce ♪

♪ When I drop the top, I turn that shit into a coupe ♪

(siren wails)

Are you Devin Dreen?

(chuckling) Yo, yo, we got a Dreener!

‐What's up, dog? ‐Yo, what's up?

Ahh!

No, no, he's a‐‐he's a YouTube influencer, right?

Yeah, don't be a Dreen Peen. Haters suck.

Dude, why are your hands bloody?

Dude, why is there blood‐‐

(laughs)

Please, please, please.

I'm a Dreener.

I'm Dreen Team. I'm Dreen Team.

Oh, yeah, so you subscribe?

What?

I'm gonna hit 20 million subscribers today, dude.

Are you subscribed to my channel?

Of course.

You're lying.

Why‐‐why are you lying?

‐You don't like my videos? ‐COLLINS: No.

I just‐‐you‐‐ you post a lot.

‐I post a lot? Dude! ‐I'm sorry.

Pull out your phone right now and subscribe to my channel.

(breathing heavily) Oh...oh, my God.

What?

I'm your 20 millionth subscriber.

(explosion)

‐(hip‐hop music) ‐Yo.

WOMAN: ♪ When I hop out ♪

♪ They gon' call me Rico Bruce ♪

♪ When I drop the top, I turn that shit into a coupe ♪

♪ It's a new day, I need me a new boo ♪

♪ Countin' blue face, my favorite show Blue's Clues ♪

♪ Put yourself in my shoes, you be me and I'm you ♪

♪ You like to play hide and seek ♪

♪ I can't wait to find you ♪

♪ You the hood rollercoaster, niggas like to ride you ♪

♪ How you hatin' in the daytime ♪

♪ Go get you some money ♪

♪ And stop worrying about how I write ♪

♪ Bass hit heavy and I hit it every damn time ♪

♪ He said he want my number ♪

♪ So I gave that boy the hotline ♪

♪ Bad bitch, she gon' shake it all night ♪

♪ Girl if you put it on a nigga ♪

♪ Then that boy better act right ♪

♪ Boy better act right ♪

♪ You be suckin' dick ♪

♪ Straight top ♪

♪ New OG ♪

♪ Straight drop ♪

‐(clear music) ‐CHORUS: ♪ Yes ♪