Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

- I want my money.

- Oh you'll get your money.

When we get the Hitler painting.

- This is my father's world.

I don't want anything to do with it.

- That's not a choice you get to make.

(Barnaby groans)

If we don't find that painting today, Barnaby is dead.

- No!

- Look to the family.

- The family portrait.

It's acrylic paint.

Old smuggler's trick, dad showed me.

Son of a bitch.

(phone beeps)

- Yes?

- We found it.

- Excellent, you've just saved me the price of a stamp.

(suspenseful music)

(wood banging)

Linseed does wonders for the wood.

At Eton we encourage the boys

to achieve a balance between work and play.

- But they found the painting.

- Oh, I know.

(wood thuds) (Barnaby shouts)

- My shin!

- Ah, the pick and pock of leather on willow.

(suspenseful music)

(Barnaby shouts)

- Right, budge up.

- What is that shit?

- This is dad's forgery kit.

No one's seen this painting for 15 years.

I reckon I can paint a copy good enough

that no one will ever know the difference.

We give the copy to McQueen, he gives us Barnaby,

and then we sell the real painting to the Shermans.

- What if the neo-Nazis figure out it's a fake?

- I helped dad knock off a couple of Dalis.

- So you're a forger now?

- I'm not about to start forging old masters

but this isn't a masterpiece.

Hitler didn't get into art school either.

- Are you crazy?

- Oh I'm glad I caught you.

Don't be coy.

We did this sort of stuff at school.

The nuns said we would go to hell

but nuns can be vile.

Nina, I thought this might be important.

It's from the Home Office.

- They're investigating me and Barnaby.

They wanna check all of our messages, where we met,

what we were doing down in Mexico.

- Oh, civil servants can be so small minded.

I read about a couple who went to jail

because of a sham marriage.

- Not helping mum.

- No but in the article said if couples get married abroad

they should make it official back here

so I took the liberty of going to see our priest

and he could squeeze us in at the weekend.

- This weekend?

- Why not?

I mean, Barnaby can't be on this stag do forever.

There must be a finite number of strippers even in Prague.

- A wedding would be perfect.

Would you fix it up for us?

Something small, just the family?

- Of course, oh, I'm so delighted.

I just want to feel like a family again.

- Nina, if you've been smoking my good shit,

I'm gonna do my fucking nut.

- Don't be stupid.

If this goon nails down where we got married in Mexico,

he can link us to multiple homicides

so we do the swap at the ceremony.

We give 'em the fake, we get Barnaby back.

It's a daytime meet in a public place,

plus it'll make your mother very happy.

Get to work.

(suspenseful music)

(phone buzzing)

(phone beeping)

- Speak.

- I would like to invite Barnaby to a wedding this Saturday.

- [Colin] Who's getting married?

- He is.

And we would love for you to be there.

You and the Braun sisters.

- Well, my second 11 are playing at Harrow

but I suppose I can deputize.

I'll bring something borrowed, you bring something blue.

(suspenseful music)

(phone beeps)

(suspenseful music)

Did I say you could stop writing?

(suspenseful music)

Good morning, Mr. Walker.

I trust you've slept well.

- Yes, thank you.

Heavy metal music is famously soothing.

- Now then.

A box of eggs, a bushel of dill, a ham,

and a certain juniper liquor.

- Right, what is going on?

(speaking in German)

- The huntsman's breakfast.

Prepared for a groom on the morning

of his wedding day.

- Perhaps I'm being a little slow on the uptake here

but who's getting married?

- You are.

- Oh god.

This is sex thing.

- Oh not to me.

Now, come on, drink up.

- I'd prefer not to.

(Barnaby retching)

- A (speaking in German), worn by a certain groom

on the day of his wedding.

He must've been the belle of the bunker.

- Oh my god.

(metal scrapes)

(stately orchestral music)

- Don't fuckin' mess up my hair.

- Now Nina, I know it's your big day

but my grandmother wore this.

And my mother and well I did too actually

and I would be so honored

if you would wear it, Nina.

(zipper scratches)

- Oh shit.

(Barnaby grunting)

- Come on my beauties.

Oh, look at you.

Gosh, you look amazing.

Leah, get the train thingy.

- Barnaby.

- Barnaby!

- Oh mum I'm so sorry.

- Don't be, not today.

Oh, look at you.

Barnaby, you're so jolly.

- Colin McQueen, I was a friend of your husband's.

Barnaby was good enough to invite us.

Ah, the blushing bride, radiant.

And Leah.

- Barnaby, aren't you going to introduce us?

How do you?

I'm Barnaby's mummy Fiona.

- This is Johnny Constable and Willy Gainsborough,

they're old friends of mine from the school rugby team.

They were held back a few years.

Barely spell his own name

but he's bloody handy in a ruck.

(man grunts)

- Mr. and Mrs. Walker?

- Oh, I invited him.

He's in from the Home Office.

He's here to witness the wedding.

- Well, let the games commence.

- Oh how lovely.

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat music)

(crowd cheering)

I just couldn't resist!

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat music)

♪ You and me, we got the secret to love ♪

♪ You make me shout ♪

♪ You don't need me no more ♪

(upbeat music) (people clapping)

Oh Nina, you must meet Rupert, he's a scream.

- Hello dear, Nigel and I never had you down

as the marrying kind (laughs).

- Oh Barnaby I hope you don't mind but I invited a guest

of my own.

- Professor?

- You know each other?

- Oh, I taught Walker at Cambridge.

- Isn't that a delicious coincidence?

- Now where have you been?

We missed you at our last port and cheese party.

- I've been falling in love.

- I invited Aubrey to authenticate the painting.

He's an expert in midcentury German neoclassicism.

- Oh I live and breathe it.

I practically bathe in Dix.

- Excuse me?

- Otto Dix, he's a German painter.

- All right, hey, honey,

why don't you and I take some photos just the two of us.

Over here.

Excuse me.

Painting's a fake.

- What?

(shutter clicking)

That's fine.

Dad got sold a kip, we'll we're not to blame.

- No, we left the real one at home.

We didn't know he was gonna bring an authenticator.

- Who made the fake?

- Leah. - We're dead.

(camera clicking)

- That last one was perfect, shall we?

- I'm afraid the anti-statue mob have got their hooks

into the bust of Gordon of Khartoum.

(tools rattling)

(suspenseful music)

(speaking in German)

- Are you sure this is the right moment

for a thorough examination?

The light's not fantastic in here.

- Oh don't worry, I can spot a fake in two seconds flat.

- Oh well, that's good.

(suspenseful music)

- I must say, I know that Colin here has a weakness

for the more recherchez end of the market

but I thought you played with a straighter bat.

(suspenseful music)

Well, he certainly had no eye for proportion.

(suspenseful music)

It's even more clumsily executed in the flesh.

- Would you say clumsy?

Impulsive maybe.

- Heartfelt.

- For Hitler.

- The stamp looks pretty good.

(laughs) Look at the impasto around Gretel Braun's.

- Mons?

(speaking in foreign language)

- You mean her bush?

- I'd say that the shrubbery, though outré,

isn't nearly generous enough.

- Come on, it's pretty shaggy.

- So you're saying?

- This is a fake.

- What?

Professor, do you think you've had too much to drink?

- I'm teetotal.

The college thought it best.

One lingering embrace at the last May Ball,

me too gone mad.

- Barnaby's right, the light is pretty shitty in here.

- [Professor] No, it's quite sufficient.

- This is embarrassing.

Clearly the man that sold it to my father made a copy.

I bet dad is turning in his grave.

(glass smashes) (Leah screams)

- Where's the painting, Ms. Walker?

- [Fiona] Knock, knock.

(Fiona laughing)

- Perfect timing, come and join us dear Fiona.

- Oh, what happened to your friend?

- Too much champagne.

- Oh I better pace myself.

I don't want to end up like that.

- That is a distinct possibility.

- [Fiona] Time to cut the cake.

- Keep going, big smiles.

- Oh look at that.

- [Man] Kiss her!

(people clapping) Come on Barnaby,

give her a kiss! (people clapping)

- Well, kiss her, darling.

- With chance (laughs)!

- Dick.

(stately orchestral music)

Fuck it, come on.

(people cheering)

- Let's go now, move.

(glass dinging)

- Could I have your attention please!

Hello, I don't know many of you.

I'm Nina, Barnaby's partner.

And as you can see, I'm a little bit older than he is.

That wasn't a joke, jackass.

Anyway, the thing is, I need to tell my husband something.

Something I shoulda told you before.

Barnaby, for a long time I didn't even trust my own shadow.

You changed that.

You and your family.

Most of them.

You're a good man.

I love ya, kid.

Now duck!

(guns roaring) (people screaming)

- Police please.

(guns roaring) (people screaming)

- Could everybody please stop firing!

(people screaming)

Thank you!

(suspenseful music)

- Have you got a gun?

- Where the hell would I hide a gun in this dress.

- Get his dirk out.

- What, he's dead, you creep.

- No, dirk, it's a dagger, in the kilt.

Not there.

- Oh, spoilsport.

- The sporran.

- His what?

- His fanny pack.

- Get it off.

(suspenseful music)

- You wish.

(Nina screaming)

Get the fuck off me, you fuckin'.

- [Bald Goon] Don't move!

(suspenseful music)

- [Colin] Is Walker there?

- [Nina] Barnaby!

- [Colin] What are you waiting for, bring them over here?

(man yells)

(gun roaring)

- Barnaby, get up!

(Nina shouting)

(suspenseful music)

Barnaby!

(suspenseful music)

(glass shatters) (gun roars)

(Fiona shrieks)

(Nina screams) (man grunts)

(man grunts)

- Ah, sick.

Gross.

Barnaby, oh my god.

Oh my god, oh my god.

- Barnaby, oh my god.

- Fiona, you guys gotta go now.

- They're not gonna arrest us, surely.

- Even if we dodge manslaughter

we're looking at assault and handling of stolen goods.

All that illegal shit in your dad's shop.

Kid we are going down.

- Barnaby can't go to prison,

they'll pass him around like a ring of hippies

with a tight new bongo.

- A tight new bongo?

- That shit's a myth, okay.

Mostly, now go.

Go, go, go, go!

(Fiona panting)

- Barnaby. - Sorry, sick.

- You should go as well.

- Shut up.

- Leave me.

- Come on, kid.

Let's go.

(sirens blaring)

- Nina, what are you doing?

There's nowhere to go.

- Come on.

I just need to think.

(suspenseful music)

(Barnaby grunts) - Bugger.

- Fuck it.

- Listen, my dad ran away from things his whole life.

Let the people who loved him suffer

because he wouldn't face up to his responsibilities.

The police'll be here any minute.

And you need to hand me over to them.

- What?

- It's the only way that you can clear your name.

Tell them that I've been working for my father all along,

selling stolen goods to Jihadis and supremacists.

That you married me to earn my trust.

That you've been hunting me down

and now you're bringing me in.

Which they'll believe

'cause this is who you are, a bounty hunter.

- No, I won't do it.

- Nina, getting to know you

has been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- That's the blood loss talking, stupid.

- You're right.

I think I have lost quite a lot of blood

but I'm sure about this.

Now come on, mummy.

Not mummy.

We better do this before I faint.

- All right, fuck it, let's do it.

(upbeat music)

I got you.

(Barnaby grunting)

Showed up.

(Barnaby grunting)

♪ They keep tryin' to tell me ♪

♪ All you wanna do is use me baby ♪

♪ My answer ♪

♪ All of that use me stuff ♪

♪ I wanna spread the news ♪

- What have you come as, a meringue?

♪ Just keep on usin' me ♪

Gretel, our grandmother.

Our father Sherman Sherman's father,

Herman Sherman married her after the war.

- Just shut up and give us the money.

(upbeat music)

♪ Use it up ♪

♪ My sister ♪

- Will you hurry up!

(phone beeping)

Quiet!

♪ She told me ♪

♪ Girl that's a man ♪

- Wanna know who's got the Hitler?

If I tell you where they live, then that's it.

We're square, deal?

- Deal.

Get the guns.

♪ It makes no matter when you're usin' me ♪

♪ 'Cause I sure am usin' ♪

I never liked twins.

(upbeat music)

♪ The things you do, baby ♪

♪ Hey, to do the things you do ♪

♪ The things you do baby ♪

- Hey, like the hair.

- Like the suit.

- We're not allowed any physical contact,

just in case you were going to hug me.

- No I wasn't.

I'm familiar with the rules.

So how are ya?

- Good, yes.

It's not that bad really.

I'm teaching history of art.

- Oh yeah, any takers?

- Not many, for the textiles.

They prefer the gorier stuff, Carvaggio,

the nudes, obviously.

- Can I?

Thank you.

Well, Barnaby Mallard Walker.

Will you divorce me?

- Of course.

Wouldn't want to get in the way

of any future situation, maybe there's a current one.

Really?

Wow.

Not wow, I mean, you know, obviously.

You're still a very handsome woman

and why not.

I mean, my great aunt Mildred,

everyone said she was over the hill but.

- Just sign it.

- [Barnaby] Yeah.

- Well, you only have a couple of months to go huh?

You take care of yourself.

Relax!

Hey Barnaby, what did Da Vinci say to the Sistine Chapel?

Gotcha covered.

(upbeat music)

- She means Michelangelo.

- [Nina] I heard that!

(upbeat music)

♪ My friends feel it's their appointed duty ♪

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you wanna do is use me, baby ♪

♪ But my answer ♪

♪ To all that use me stuff ♪