Original subtitles

So you're just going to run away?

- Yeah.

- There is a police officer working for the Shermans.

- Have you thought about taking a little time off?

(man speaking in foreign language)

- What are you doing?

- [Leah] GPS, we can track it to the statues.

- What if somebody twigs?

- [Sofia] Nina, the statues!

We got an address.

- You want the statues or not?

- Get outta here.

Not you.

- Oh.

Right.

- Thank you.

(car locks clunking)

- Bring the statues here, tomorrow night.

And get out.

- The child lock's still on.

- Are you nuts?

Nina, we gotta get outta here!

- And go where, Ma? - Back to New York.

- You don't think they're gonna come looking for us there?

- What if there's someone comes looking

and we want them to find us?

- You mean, like, Santa Claus?

- Jesus.

Sweetie.

It's been 15 years.

- [Maria] Nina.

We need to go home.

- Ma, you think I don't know that?

I'll do the deal, then we're gonna use our half of the money

to start over.

(gentle music)

- Did you do something to upset your insurance company?

- I actually think as replacements go, it's rather swish.

- [Nina] Who designed it? Pixar?

- That's Webb.

Why would anyone swap that cracking bod for dad?

- What?

- The Italian bird dad's schtupping?

Webb Sherman's wife.

- The more I hear about your father,

the more you make sense.

All right, you know what?

I have had enough of you, all right?

- Please, can we focus?

How are we going to break into this place?

Get these statues back?

It's got more security than Fort Knox.

- Well, I know a man who's broken down

more than one back door in that house.

- No.

Absolutely, categorically not.

Dad?

- Hi. (coughs)

Come in, come in if you're coming in.

And shut that door if you don't mind.

I was just having my breakfast.

- Anchovies and a bottle of red wine?

- I know, it should be white with fish.

- It shouldn't be wine!

- I'm on holiday!

Pull up a bucket.

No, not that one!

I thought you didn't get my texts.

- No, I did.

- Why didn't you text me?

- Because this is a grown-up problem.

- Says the guy who's shitting in a bucket.

Why are you hiding in here anyway?

- Look.

The Shermans have been trying to have me killed.

Their man boarded my flight to Spain.

Luckily, I managed to nip off before the plane took off.

- So what do you plan on doing now?

- I was gonna talk to that Suleiman girl

but apparently she's been suspended.

- So what are you going to do?

- Currently, I would sell my soul for a bath.

- Well you do know mom is at home?

And after the way you've treated her

I wouldn't be surprised if she

knocked you out.

- Oh, thank God! - Shh.

- I thought I'd never see you again.

I'm so, so sorry, Nigel.

- Mom?

You don't have anything to apologize for.

- You don't understand. (sighs)

I've been dishonest too.

- If this is the thing you told me you did after "Poldark"

that's not cheating.

- Nigel, your accident

it was my fault.

- What? - What?

- Well, I couldn't find my glasses.

You know what I'm like.

And, um, well I picked up the wrong phone

and I saw a message from her.

And I felt such a fool.

And a little bit upset, actually.

And you were smoking one of your foul cigars

out of the bedroom window and | just thought,

"Sod it."

- You pushed him?

- Do you think I'm a monster?

- No.

- Respect.

- Well, it's all over now, hey? (chuckles)

How have you been otherwise?

- Oh, well, um, ticking along.

- Ticking along?

Mom, you got kidnapped!

- You make it sound so dramatic.

- It was, I was terrified!

- Well, let's just have a nice cup of tea.

- [Nigel] Lovely.

- I'll get some biscuits.

- Get the fuck outta here.

- It was last Valentine's Day.

The Shermans are skiing in Vail.

I decide to pop over to Monica's for a quick knee trembler.

- Can you get to the point?

- I put the wrong code into the alarm.

Five minutes later, I'm facedown on a bed of rose petals

being hogtied by the police.

- The code.

- I'll give you a clue.

Caravaggio's dates?

- 1571, 1610.

- Very good.

Now every day at three

Webb Sherman has a music lesson and Keegan has a massage.

There's a 45 minute window.

- To carry out seven huge statues

from their house in broad daylight?

- Tell me about the interior.

- Vulgar, very American.

No offense.

- She meant the layout, Dad.

Where are they going to keep the statues?

- Oh.

They keep their under-the-counter pieces

in a vault in the library.

But it can only be opened with the Shermans' fingerprints.

- The massage.

We go in, say we're the masseuse.

- Then chop off their fingers.

- Get their prints.

- If you're going to pose as Keegan's masseuse

you're gonna have to wear something skimpy.

- Like father, like son, treating me like a piece of meat.

- I meant Barnaby.

(doorbell rings)

- Hello.

Igor.

(Barnaby grunts)

- [Keegan] Shall we?

- Lie down, please.

On front.

- [Keegan] Igor!

Don't hold back.

My lumbar can take a pounding.

(keegan moans)

- [Nina] Hey, babe.

Ooh, your hair looks nice.

- Thanks.

- Wanna come over here

and help me make some fake fingerprints?

I gotta break into a house tonight.

Your know, your mom's still a Morales.

We don't give up on each other.

Ever.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Oh, baby.

If she wants to find you, she'll find a way.

Okay?

Come here, I love you.

(Nina smacking lips)

- Stop.

(keegan moans)

- Now hand massage for you?

(keegan purrs)

- [Keegan] You read my mind.

- Healing clay.

Make you strong like bull.

- Yes.

(keegan moans)

(Keegan groans)

Now, if you'll do the honors.

Well, what are you waiting for?

(hand cream squelching)

(Barnaby sighs)

I meant pass me a towel.

- [Nigel] What are you doing?

- Nothing.

Oil.

I'm fine.

- Do you have provenance for those statues, by the way?

They're worthless without it.

Barnaby, I don't want you to blame your mother

for what she did.

- I don't, I 100% blame you.

- You know, Fiona and I

have never really been very good at home truths.

But if it's any consolation

our relationship is still remarkably physical.

- Please stop talking. - Very wise.

Bury it deep down.

Now, I knew a man called John Drewe.

He was a forger, sold fake paintings.

He had access to the archives

at the Tate, the National, the ICA.

So say he wanted to sell a fake Picasso, hmm?

He'd go through all the archives,

find a letter actually from Picasso

and then he'd forge a description

of that fake painting into the letter

and then, if anyone challenged him on its provenance,

it's right there in Picasso's own handwriting.

- So he rewrote history?

- Exactly.

Now apply that to the statues, okay?

We need to put a few previous owners between us

and the statues' leaving Syria.

So what do we need?

Ghosts.

Yeah, dead people.

Dead dealers, dead collectors.

You gotta keep everything.

Letters, checks, invoices.

Signatures are worth their weight in gold.

You can be a conman or a con-artist.

Your Mexicans are very jolly.

- Puerto Ricans.

- Really colorful.

But are you sure we need to throw them such a big bone?

The statues do belong to us.

- It's 50/50.

- Okay.

But a million dollars split between the three of us

won't go very far.

- There are four of us in this family.

- Come on, your mother's barely lifted a finger.

- Ta-da!

Yo, check this out.

Huh!

- Well, you're a little box of tricks. (yelps)

- You touch my hair again,

your arm's gonna be the next thing I put in plaster.

- I thought this might come in handy.

For the heist.

- What is that?

- This, my son, is a cattle prod.

- Dad, no weapons.

You can get life for armed robbery.

- Just a thought.

- Maybe your father's right.

I mean, we could use all the help that we can get.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah.

I've been thinking about that.

(gentle music)

(doorbell chimes)

- Cute slippers.

- [Suleiman] What are you doing here?

- We can give you what you need to convict the Shermans.

(car alarm blaring)

- Hello again.

(Pearce grunts) (cattle prod buzzes)

- [Nina] Holy shit!

What the hell?

- I said no weapons!

- [Nigel] He's a psychopath.

- Stay by the car. - Come on!

(alarm blaring)

- Come on! - Shh!

- Is that a one or a seven?

- Obviously it's a one.

Caravaggio didn't live to 100.

- I don't know who this jerk-off is!

- This jerk-off is the forefather of radical naturalism.

- The code!

(buttons beeping)

- Don't appreciate you shouting at me!

ALARM STOPS

- [Sherman] Hello?

- Have you ever heard of a thing

called positive re-enforcement?

- Stop acting like a little bitch.

- Who's there?

Hello?

(tense music)

(button pipping)

(doorbell ringing)

(door clunking)

(Barnaby sneezing)

- That didn't just happen.

- Detective Suleiman.

- I'm responding to a call-out we received from your alarm.

- Hmm.

I thought they'd put you out to pasture.

- Worse, nights.

DCI Robinson must've known how much

I'd love baby sitting this neighborhood.

- I guess he does have a sense of humor after all.

This is where it was triggered.

- [Suleiman] Must have been a false alarm.

- Peter hath cried wolf.

- [Suleiman] Something like that.

- My brother carb-loads when he's stressed.

- I can sit outside in the car for half an hour

if it puts your mind at rest?

- That would be very kind, detective.

You're not coming up?

- Think I need to work off those Twinkies.

Feel positively Rubenesque.

- Shit.

Maybe it needs to be body temperature.

Suck it.

- What?

- Suck it.

- Why me?

- I'm not doing it!

Just do it!

No, be more sensual.

I'm kidding.

(gentle music)

(button beeps)

(doors whirring)

I'll go get the gates, okay?

- Thought you could get away, huh?

You're in my house now, baby.

(Keegan grunts)

(Keegan grunting)

Hadouken!

(upbeat orchestral music)

(phone ringing)

- Don't jab it.

She's calling Barnaby,

you plotz. - I know, I know,

but I wanna watch "Storage Wars"!

(upbeat orchestral music)

(Keegan grunts)

- [Keegan] Igor?

- I very sorry.

I leave phone.

- I should have known those were

the coarse hands of a thief.

Put the lamp down.

- I can't do that.

So, stay back!

(upbeat orchestral music)

(phone ringing)

- [Maria] Don't break it!

- I got it.

(Barnaby yells)

(both grunting)

(gun clicking)

- [Pearce] Where's Nigel Walker?

(tense music)

- [Nigel] Yep, me again.

(cattle prod buzzing)

- Thanks.

(cattle prod buzzing) Oh, my God!

Enough already.

(cattle prod buzzing)

Jesus Christ.

(Barnaby choking)

- I'm sorry, Igor

(suspenseful music)

(pot clattering)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- What?

- Oh, oh, finally!

No problem, darling, sorry.

Sofia's got it working.

(Barnaby panting)

(Barnaby grunting)

- What the hell are you doing?

- Get him off me.

- Go faster.

Faster.

Oh, my God!

- [Suleiman] Drop it!

- [Barnaby] This wasn't part of the plan!

- Get down on the ground, now!

(police sirens blaring)

(car engine revving)

(police sirens blaring)

- Friends of yours?

- Not exactly.

I was investigating them when I got suspended.

They tried to cut me in on tonight.

I pretended to go along with it.

- That's why you got here so quickly?

- I know I should have called it in,

but I saw it as an opportunity to make amends.

- Well, detective.

Mens have been a made.

- Forensics.

- A word?

About the statues.

- We can make you a very rich woman.

I may have concussion.

- Well, if you've got all of the provenance

then we'll get the statues back to you

as soon as Forensics are happy.

(gentle music)

- Suleiman's here.

- I'll be 20 minutes.

- Make it 10.

I've got Forensics crawling all over the place.

- Forensics?

- [Man] Art and antiquitie.

- Yeah, this is DI Suleiman, Special Crimes.

- [Man] How can help?

- I'm calling for back-up.

- Where's dad?

- [Leah] No, no, no!

B!

- Barnaby! - B!

God!

- Yeah, I need an ETA now.

You've gotta get out of here.

The police are on their way.

(tense music)

- Dad!

What are you doing?

Out.

(tense music)

- We gotta move.

- Dad. - Yeah?

- I know that I never measured up to your expectations.

And you're not who I needed you to be.

But I just wanted to say, no hard feelings.

- I'm sorry.

- Barnaby, let me go.

- Suleiman, she wants the Shermans

but she needs you to testify.

You can do a year in prison

then everything can go back to normal.

- No, no, it can't!

- Suleiman will protect you.

- Bullshit!

- Barnaby, we gotta go!

- Please, Barnaby.

Barnaby!

Before you go, at least give your old man a hug.

- Right, were you just going to try and cattle prod me?

- [Nigel] Mm-hmm.

- Get those statues out of that van!

- [Suleiman] Mr. Sherman, calm down.

- Barnaby!

Leah, I'm your father!

- Stop!

Dad!

(gun bangs) (Nigel grunts)

- [Pearce] Gotcha.

(gun bangs) - Shit!

Shit!

(dramatic music)

- We've got to go back for him!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Let me out! - No!

The cops are gonna be all over us, all right?

Go!

Go! - Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

(police sirens blaring)

(Nigel grunting)

- Where's Pearce?

(somber music)

- Do you mind?

- Tell my wife I love her.

Tell his wife I love her, too.

(relaxed music)