Original subtitles

- [Man On Phone] You don't cooperate, the women die.

- [Suleiman] Walker, the statues, the Shermans.

Connect the dots

and you've got millionaires funding terrorism.

- We can hide them in the WI,

the police won't look there.

So you're just going to run away?

- Yeah.

- You're the magpie.

- Yeah.

(fire extinguisher thuds)

- We don't kill people.

We're the goodies.

(horn blaring)

- Oh fuck.

(suspenseful music)

(bird cawing)

(gunshot roars)

(suspenseful music)

- The new cartel dudes just landed.

- You texted back sombrero emoji, firework, winky face?

It's not a booty call.

- Do you see an aubergine?

- All right, look.

Tell 'em that we need 500 grand up front.

- They're broke, that's the whole point.

They swap the statues for coke

and then they sell the coke.

- What, and then they write you a check?

- No, 'cause it's 1987.

- I'll take care of this.

- Hey, hey.

- Nina, need I remind you, they want you dead.

You're going nowhere near them.

- Also, FYI, this is still my deal.

- You are just like my sister.

- Hot?

- No, a rat.

An ungrateful, deceitful, doped up chicken head.

- Sounds hot.

- So excuse me if I don't wanna put my mother's life

in your hands, thank you.

- Nina, we're all stressed, we're all scared,

but you are going to need to trust me on this.

This is the only way we're gonna get them back.

- All right, kid.

Set up a meeting.

Some place public, lots of witnesses.

- Dear, no dear, that sounds wrong.

Ola, also where do we stand on a white man using

the word hombre?

(suspenseful music)

(door creaking)

(suspenseful music)

(women gasping)

(door creaks)

- Next time he's in here,

how 'bout I turn on the charm.

A little leg, a little tush, a little bust.

Keep it classy.

Then when he's got his face buried in my boobies,

you stick that son of a bitch with a shank.

- I really don't think that's going to work.

- Are you saying I'm not attractive?

- No, no, no.

It's just that he's religious.

- Well, we gotta do something or we're fuck-ucked.

- How are they gonna know it's us?

- I told them I'd be the one holding a red umbrella.

- This isn't a Richard Curtis film.

- Here's your ticket, by the way.

- Oh Barnaby.

You utter bellend.

(upbeat music)

(speaking in Japanese)

- No, no, no, go away.

- They think you're a tour guide.

- Yes, I can see that.

(people speaking in Japanese)

- He's here.

And he's fit.

- Leah. - Seriously.

Even as a nominally straight guy,

you must admit that is male model good looking.

- God, I miss Nina.

No, no.

Right, okay, fine, come on, chop chop.

- I didn't want you to feel left out

so I gave you a codename too.

- Good.

(upbeat music)

- You're the Magpie?

So you must be the Budgie Smuggler.

My associate who was meant to meet with you, Eduardo.

- He never showed.

- So when can I get what I came for.

- We need an advance.

- That's not possible.

- 500,000 pounds cash tonight.

Or the deal's off.

- Get us the statues tonight,

you'll get your money, Budgie Smuggler.

- I can see that one's gonna run and run.

- How long does this thing take?

- About half an hour.

(upbeat music)

- Is that a camera?

- We hope you enjoyed your ride.

- Deal with this.

Eight p.m., somewhere quiet.

- You'll have to pay for that. - Give it to me.

(balls rattling)

- And the next number is 31.

Ah.

- Look Malcolm, they've won a garden gnome.

(telephone rings)

- Art and antiquities unit.

You're what?

Right, could you describe it to me?

- [Nina] Where the hell are our statues?

- That wretched woman.

- Ah, Barnaby.

You've come for the trestle table.

- I'll bury that table up your ass if you don't tell us

what you did with our goddamn statues.

- I'm afraid that your statues have been seized

by the constabulary.

- By who?

- Whom.

- Who the fuck are you, Charles Dickens?

- They were taken away by a police officer

from the art and antiquities unit.

- Mother fucking shit.

- Please don't tell my mother.

- Hiding the statues in that WI was your idea, Barnaby.

- Guys, can we be rational.

Now, look, I met a guy at a rave

who used to close security for Salt-N-Pepa.

He said he could lend me a gun.

(engines rumbling)

- Could you tell me how the body

of a Mexican national, Eduardo Alvarez,

came to be discovered in your car, Mr. Walker?

- Well, that night Nina and I went out.

We left the car at home.

Hit up some bars then a hotel.

- So you and your nanny got drunk and spent the night

in a hotel room?

- Yes.

- They're shagging, proper Mary Poppins shit.

- She said what?

- It's actually quite normal.

Jude Law, Ben Affleck,

they all romance their nannies.

- Well, they were sleeping with their employees,

not women who nursed them as children.

- I have some issues.

- Look, you and Ms. Morales can do

what you want to each other

and it is feasible that Eduardo Alvarez could steal a car,

given his history.

- Oh, right, okay yeah, I see.

Of course he's gonna steal a car, he's Mexican.

Havin' said that, I mean, he clearly did steal it.

- I was referring to his links to organized crime.

- Sure, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,

you know, and, plus, you know,

I hate to say it but where there's smoke, there's fire.

- But this is what I can't get my head around.

If you were gonna steal a vehicle,

why would anyone choose to steal this ridiculous car?

(suspenseful music)

Mr. Walker.

- Suleiman, a word?

I told you to drop this case.

- I won't do that sir.

Someone canceled surveillance on Nigel Walker,

my key witness.

- Why would anyone do that?

- To protect the Sherman brothers.

- Now you're soundin' a bit hysterical.

- With all due respect, I don't think words like that

are very helpful.

- Have you thought about taking a little time off?

- There's a police officer working for the Shermans!

- You're disobeyin' orders,

you're paranoid, burnt out.

Come back when you're feeling calmer.

Evans, I'd like to run some jokes past ya

to see if they're okay with you.

(suspenseful music)

- [Nina] So this could pass for a blood antiquity?

- [Barnaby] Yes, it's a Persian oil lamp,

probably 12th century.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.

So, we tell the cops that we won it at the raffle,

they come and get it,

we follow them to wherever they keep this stuff,

break in and take the statues back.

- Yes.

Is that gonna work?

- I hope so.

- B, give me your phone.

I'm not gonna frape you.

- What are you doing?

- GPS, we can track it to the statues.

- How am I going to get it out?

- Smash it?

- It's 800 years old.

- Your contract, mate.

- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

If we call the cops, they're gonna smell a rat.

(upbeat music)

- Leave it with me.

(suspenseful music)

- All right, all right, please just leave it with me.

- She's calling art and antiquities.

- How did you get her to do that?

- Penelope was always snitching on me for smoking,

drinking, showing my boob to her grandson at midnight mass.

I needed leverage.

Then I found this in her bins.

In 1977, Penelope was in a punk band called Spunk Bunny.

If this got out, imagine the looks she'd get in Waitrose.

- I arrested one art thief

because his van ran out of petrol.

He said he didn't have the Monet to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.

Yeah, needs work.

- [Penelope] There's still no answer.

- [Leah] Keep trying.

- So, the cartel wants statues.

We don't have statues.

The Jihadis want money, we don't have money

but the Jihadis can get more statues

and the cartel can get money

so how 'bout we bring them together?

They can make their own arrangements

and maybe they'll release Maria and mum

as a sort of thank you.

- What, cut ourselves out of the deal?

B, if we back out now, we'll end up in a barrel of acid

with our severed fists shoved up each other's asses.

We need them to need us.

- But they don't need us.

- Yes they do.

They need someone who knows about art,

who can handle provenance.

- Well, I suppose.

- You've got the knowledge.

I've got the game.

We can do this together.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no, you two, no.

And him, no.

Barnaby, why do you think your father cut you

out of the business, huh?

Lying and hustling is not in your nature.

- She's right.

Dad thinks you're about as much use as tits on a fish.

- Thank you.

- He thought you couldn't hack it.

- I couldn't hack it?

He ran away.

- Exactly, you can do this.

- [Nina] Barnaby.

- I guess I could wing it.

- Said every man ever right

before he landed flat on his ass.

- Really?

Well, I think you'll find this man's ass

is going to remain decidedly unfallen upon.

(people laughing)

- This better be good.

I'm not supposed to be here, he suspended me.

- No, but seriously when we lost our funding

to counter-terrorism command,

I thought the writing was on the wall.

But thanks to the generosity of everyone here tonight,

the art and antiquities unit has a bright future.

(people clapping)

Now, all the booze this evening has been provided

by two donors that prefer to remain anonymous,

so let's charge our glasses

with this Grande Cuvée de Sherman.

- It is quaffable.

- Big hearts and deep pockets, cheers.

- [Everyone] Cheers.

- Where's the meeting taking place?

- Odessa Road, Detford.

Remember last Christmas, you told a scrap dealer

to tow away my G-Wiz.

- That was my Christmas present, I was giving you the chance

to lose your virginity.

- Yes, well, I spent a jolly Boxing Day giving 200 pounds

to the scrap dealer in a quite Brexit-y pub.

Had a sort of ask me no questions,

I won't bottle you vibe.

- Sweet.

- Barnaby, Barnaby!

You can't do this alone, kid.

- Trust me, stay with the lamp.

- What am I, a freakin' genie?

(upbeat music)

Pancho.

(upbeat music)

Penelope.

- Look, I'm afraid no one's picking up.

Perhaps I could try tomorrow.

- Oh sure, right after I tell Murder She Wrote over there

all about Spunk Bunny.

Thought so, Pancho.

Pancho, watch Johnny Rotten here like a freakin' hawk.

I gotta do to Detford.

- How do they do that?

May I?

(upbeat music)

- Quiet pub?

- There must've been a change of management.

- Uh huh, you've invited some devout Muslims

to a place called Lunge.

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

- Hello, the Walker party.

- Oh yeah, happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- [Hostess] Enjoy!

(upbeat music)

- It's the only way I could get a private area.

Thought it was a bit weird for a pub.

(upbeat music)

(speaking in Spanish)

(upbeat music)

- Hello.

Just got a little.

(engine roaring)

(suspenseful music)

- Hey.

Before we kick off, would anyone like a drink?

Beer, wine?

Got a two for one on WKD.

- No alcohol.

We don't drink.

- Yes, obviously.

Don't wanna upset the big man upstairs.

Very impressive.

Good.

So, this gentleman represents Mexican organization

and this gentlemen represents ISIS.

ISIS, ISIL, Daesh? - Daesh?

- Any preference?

- Where are the statues, Budgie Smuggler?

- Please, call me Barnaby.

(upbeat music)

(door rattles)

(people grunting)

The funny thing is, there has been a slight hiccup

and at this present moment in time,

we don't actually have the statues or the money.

- Surprise!

Happy birthday!

(upbeat music) (women giggling)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Okay, look, before we all lose our heads, oh god, no,

sorry, that wasn't.

- I want my money.

- If you could just hear me out please.

Look, this gentleman over here wants blood antiquities okay?

And you can get more of those, I presume.

So, how about we all work together?

(upbeat music) (people cheering)

(Nina cheering)

(upbeat music) (people clapping)

Could you let go of my head?

Neither of you know anything about art, right?

You don't have any connections.

We do.

And your organization has trade routes all over the world.

We could be selling this stuff everywhere, Europe, Asia,

China, America, Mexico.

You know a lot about Mexico, Brazil, Europe.

- You said that. - Yep, thank you.

The point is we could blow up big time.

Again, sorry, that wasn't a dig.

(people cheering) (upbeat music)

(man grunts)

(upbeat music)

So, yes, that is what I wanted to propose.

Would anyone else like the conch?

- You understand that what I'm doing is a holy thing?

So why would I trust men like you?

Men with no values.

- Without wishing to sound like a Bond villain,

we're not that different, you and I.

- Really?

- Say there was no black market.

Those statues, they'd still be

in Syria getting bombed right?

But arguably, they only survived because we stole them.

So while none of this is particularly pleasant,

maybe it's necessary.

- No deal.

- God you're annoying.

Okay, if Pablo Esco-buff gives you the Benjamins

on our behalf, do we get out mum back?

- Assuming you got something worth 500 Gs,

which, no offense, I doubt.

- How 'bout Nina Morales?

You gives chuckles the money,

he gives us the hostages, and I give you Nina.

- Wait, not the deal.

- Yep.

- No way.

What are you doing?

- [Leah] It's our only option.

- No way, never.

- Look, Pancho, the lamp's stopping.

We got an address.

(suspenseful music)

- Listen, this was not a part of the deal we made.

You know, messin' around with no fly lists.

Nickin' evidence.

What if somebody tweaks?

(telephone ringing)

- Mama!

- Hello, how is everybody?

That green suits you Nina.

(suspenseful music)

(telephone ringing)

(women shrieking)

- Nina!

- If you try anything, I'll kill him.

- Hey, hey, hey asshole.

- Let him go.

- Stop, okay, stop!

I'm serious.

This is all my fault.

Let him go, take me.

- She's pathetic.

She sold you out.

- Bullshit.

She would never do that to me.

You fuckin' bitch.

(telephone ringing)

- [Maria] Nina!

- I love you too, ma.

- No, you got a call.

- Ma, these are my last moments over here.

- [Sofia] Nina, the statues.

We got an address!

- Sofia, if you hear a shot call the cops,

tell them everything.

You want the statues or not?

(suspenseful music)

- Barnaby, are you okay?

- Yeah.

- This isn't 500 grand.

- No, it's not.

But take it.

'Cause I got 800 steps left on my FitBit

and I wanna do 'em to my hotel room and a restaurant,

not in the woods digging your fuckin' graves.

- So hot.

- Get outta here.

- Thank you

- Not you.

- Oh right.

- You know, Robinson's not as stupid as he looks.

(man speaking in Latin)

Mate, I've told you so many times, I don't speak Latin.

- Man only believes what he wants to believe.

- Why does forbidden fruit taste so fruity?

(upbeat music)