Original subtitles

- [Suleiman] Blood antiquities are being looted from Syria

by Jihadist militants.

- We have a war crime in our kitchen.

- We are not hiring a bounty hunter.

(guns roaring) (woman screams)

- Where's Nina Morales?

- Barnaby?

Well, we just wait 'til he leaves,

stage the break in, take the money and go.

- It's all there.

(hammer thuds) (men grunting)

- [Brunette Man] Where's Nina Sofia.

- How do you know my name?

- I need you to pack a bag and get out.

(man retches) - Oh my.

- Someone else was in here.

Mr. Sherman, could you tell me

where you bought the statue from?

(suspenseful music)

(man farts)

(door bangs)

(upbeat music)

(man yawns)

(water trickling)

(man speaking in Spanish)

(man gasps) - Nina!

Nina, why is there a 300 pound Puerto Rican man in my bath?

- Pancho is takin' a bath?

That's a first.

They were passin' through town.

- They?

- Grandma, did you take my epilater?

- What is happening?

- Yo, last time I checked I did a job for you

that I haven't been paid for yet.

- What will my mother say?

- Oh, she'll say you struck gold with this one.

We just had a smashing catch up over some huevos.

That's Puerto Rican for scrambled eggs.

Darling, I've got to visit your father

and Penelope still wants that table.

Fine, I'll fetch it from the locker myself.

- No, no, no, no, I'll make him do it, sweetie.

- She's too good for you.

Just drop that table at the Women's Institute.

(telephone ringing)

- The Women's Institute?

What is that, a titty bar?

- Titty bar?

I told you he's a human trafficker.

I seen a documentary on Fox.

Where's our passports?

Sofia, where's your passport?

- Ma, he's not a human trafficker okay.

Barnaby, this is my mother, Maria.

- Jewish?

You look Jewish.

- [Pancho] He definitely ain't Jewish!

(suspenseful music)

- Do you think I should burn my clothes?

- Yes.

- I didn't mean these clothes.

I meant the ones that I was wearing at the crime scene.

- Oh, yeah, well those too.

- Dad's done a runner from hospital.

Mum's hysterical.

- Right, I'm calling the police.

- What?

That's not fair, we don't know dad's side of things.

- Well, I'll explain.

- Barnaby, there's a corpse drenched in your DNA.

You go to the cops, you're suspect number one.

- B, remember what I told you about prison.

With those blue eyes and baby soft skin

you are, to use the technical term, bitch-nip.

- Yes, I suppose that might be one of our pens.

- Excuse me, you think that Jason Bourne over here

killed somebody with a pen.

- As I said, I'm not accusing anyone of murder.

I want to know why the victim was in this shop.

- Barnaby, you don't have to say anything without a lawyer.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- I'm Barnaby's g-. - Old nanny.

My old nanny.

She's very protective.

- Nanny, sure.

He used to pee the bed, nightly.

- Ma'am, Nigel Walker's laptop.

- Sorry, I went on one chica website.

- Okay, I wanna see a warrant.

- Look, if you're hiding anything from me,

it's just gonna make things worse.

- Well, as I say, we really are only minding the shop

whilst my dad is unwell.

(upbeat music)

(ringer buzzing)

(upbeat music)

- Nigel!

You look terrible.

- I've just taken out my catheter in the lavatory

of a Burger King.

- [Barnaby] We can hide them in the WI.

The police won't look there.

- You know, we need to vamoose these statues.

We could sell them.

- Nina, those statues have been stolen

from some of the most vulnerable people in the world.

- All right, all right, relax.

Don't get all high horse and shit.

- It's don't get on your high horse.

It means.

- I know what the fuck it means.

How 'bout you keep an eye out for our tail.

- Tail?

- Yeah, go.

Go, go, go.

- Okay, yes.

- Jeez, does this thing even have an accelerator.

- It only does 40.

- Turn.

Don't indicate, we're tryin' to lose him.

- Sorry, is it the police?

- Do you hear a freakin' siren?

(horn blaring)

Other way, other way.

Stop indicating.

- I'm sorry, it's a force of habit.

- Van, van! (Barnaby screams)

(horns blaring)

- I'm gonna be sick.

- Don't you dare.

- [Barnaby] Oh bugger, we're running out of battery.

Come on.

- Sidewalk. - What?

- Sidewalk.

- Pavement.

If you're going to give me directions,

you will have to do so in the Queen's English.

- Shut the, move!

- Excuse me, sorry!

- Get the fuck outta the way. (horn blares)

- Sorry.

- Can you go faster?

- It does go any faster.

We're not gonna fit.

Trusty old Gee Whiz.

Good things come in small packages.

- Yeah, you keep telling yourself that kid.

Who the hell was that asshole?

- We've got to find him.

What if that man was after dad?

Come on Nina, this is what you do.

- What if your father wants to stay missing.

- Well, how would you track down a?

- Fugitive?

Skip tracing.

I would start with his parents.

- Both dead thank god.

What, they were dry!

- [Nina] Okay, well, then I would go to the spouse.

- She has no idea.

- Well then I would ask around.

See if there was any, you know?

Extra-marital.

- No, he's not that type of man.

- Are you serious, Barnaby?

- Shut up, Leah.

- Her name's Monica.

She lives in Chelsea.

- You got an address?

- Sure, I threw a brick through her window last Halloween

and the Halloween before that.

Kind of a tradition.

- Yeah.

You're gonna sit this one out.

- I'm sorry Barnaby, I thought you were just doing a mum.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You know, pretending to be stupid.

(melancholy music)

- You know, my sister ran away 15 years ago.

She left me with Sofia, just walked out.

Yeah, sure, I was messed up about it but.

It taught me, you never really know a person.

- I'm fine.

- Good morning, Monica.

My name is Detective Hall.

- I ask my husband for a divorce.

He refuses.

Keeps me here in our townhouse like a dog.

Nigel and I, we plan to start a new life together.

Then he disappears.

And yesterday comes here with a crazy story.

Says he was attacked.

I say by who?

He says he can't remember.

- So you didn't buy it.

- Well, detective, for someone who said

they had been in a coma, Nigel had a lot of energy.

- So, he comes here, you.

- Make love.

- Yes.

And he still wants to run away?

- Yes.

But I am afraid.

My husband, he is a powerful man.

- Right.

Has Nigel contacted you since?

- Yes, look.

- [Barnaby] Did he ever mention his family?

- He had a daughter.

- Any mention of a son?

- I don't think that's relevant.

- Oh I think it's very relevant if you're shagging a man

with a family.

- Could you bring us some coffee please?

It's been a very long day.

(footsteps tapping)

Okay, quick, you're gonna text your dad from her phone,

pretending to be her, asking to meet.

- Why can't I just say it's me?

- If he wanted to see you, he'd see you.

- What do I put?

- Keep it sexy.

- You do it.

- I don't have my reading glasses.

- We have to talk.

- No, that's too intimidating.

Say, "I need you inside me."

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

I need to see you.

- [Monica] Do you take milk?

- Yeah, sure!

Yes, if you don't mind awfully.

Darling.

(phone dings)

- I need you too.

What do I put now.

- Say that the house is being watched,

where can we meet?

- Catfishing my own dad.

- Monica, did I say milk?

Black please, I'm cutting down on dairy.

(Monica sighs) (phone dings)

- Meet me where our fate's aligned.

What a creep.

Remind me where that was.

- Oh, do you have any biscuits?

I have very low blood sugar.

(footsteps tapping) (phone dings)

- "Our eyes met my Rothcoe, our lips by Matisse,

"and in the lift up to the bar",

I'm not reading that.

He's talking about the Tate Gallery.

- There must be a lotta room in that elevator.

(bell dings)

(suspenseful music)

- [Maria] All men are the same, sweetheart.

I bet your Nigel's

at that Women's Institute tucking your grocery money

down some tramp's panties.

- Oh god.

(telephone ringing)

It's probably those blasted electricity people again.

They've been chasing us for weeks.

Honestly, will it never end?

- Leave it to me, sweetie.

You gotta be a little assertive.

- [Man On Phone] We want our money.

- Goddamn it, we got no money.

We can't pay you bozo!

Deal with it!

(suspenseful music)

- My brother Keegan and I are not collectors.

We are lovers.

- Of art.

But we do not believe in art at any price.

- We were appalled to learn that the statue

had been looted from Syria.

What were we to do?

We couldn't return it to a war zone?

Therefore. - Every penny

from this sale will go to charities dealing

with the European migration crisis

because this statue.

Is a refugee too.

- [Woman] Smile, big smile.

- Refugees sure do love a fleece.

- I think they get given them.

- Haven't they suffered enough?

(telephone rings)

- Slippery bastards.

If we stopped the sale by taking half a million quid away

from refugees.

- Hm, well, seems Nigel Walker has two email accounts.

- Why?

- Looks like he's havin' an affair.

(suspenseful music)

- Good afternoon Madam, I'm Detective Inspector Suleiman.

- More police.

- I'm sorry?

- Yes, I already speak to two detectives.

A Hall and Oates.

- [Pancho] This is a weird titty bar.

- I'll be there in half an hour.

- I can cope.

Just concentrate on moving that stuff safely.

- My bad! (statue clatters)

- Leah, what was that?

- [Leah] Nothing.

- [Barnaby] Leah, what's going on?

(upbeat music)

- Oh, Barnaby, hi, wow.

(Nigel chuckles)

Well, I bet you're surprised to see me up and about.

- Sit.

- Actually, can't.

I've gotta meet a client.

- I sent those texts.

- Right, okay.

- I know what's going on.

I don't approve of it but I need to understand it.

Every single detail.

- Well, I don't know what you've heard

about Mediterranean women but it's all fairly vanilla.

- I didn't mean her.

I meant your business.

The lock up.

- Okay, all right.

Look, a few years ago, some very important clients

wanted to purchase a piece

with less than palatable history

so they asked me to massage a couple of documents.

- You're a launderer.

- Yeah, I mean.

You forage the provenance of one dodgy Monet

and the next thing you know,

you're selling a Sheik Hitler's pajamas.

- Jesus, what have you.

- It's the game.

They're not buying the piece.

They're buying the story.

- Those statues, they're not just a story dad.

- Yes, I know, and it's thanks to me

they're not smashed to bits by bloody terrorists.

- Well, I'll be sure to inform the Pride of Britain Awards.

- Barnaby, it would've all been fine

but my clients got cold feet

and they left me holdin' the baby.

- Smith?

- He's my link to the guys smuggling this stuff outta Syria.

- Well, he's dead.

(suspenseful music)

- This is what they do.

I wanted out and look what happened to me.

- They tried to kill you?

- I don't know, I can only assume so.

I mean, I can't really remember very much.

- Can't you just explain to them

that none of this is your fault.

- Nah, you don't understand.

The men Smith worked for are not business men.

They're not gangsters.

They don't want big houses or flash cars.

These men are soldiers.

You can't bargain with them.

You can't negotiate.

They're fighting a holy war and God help anyone

who gets in their way.

- You need to go to the police.

There is a detective, Suleiman, she'll understand.

- No, no, no, she can't help me, no one can.

Nope, they won't rest until I'm dead.

- So you're just going to run away?

- Yeah.

- Were you going to tell mum?

- I think it's better coming from you.

- Asshole at six o'clock. - Whoa, who's that?

- She's with me.

- Move, move!

- What?

(suspenseful music)

(spoon tapping)

- Sofia!

(suspenseful music)

(footsteps pattering)

- Dad can't keep up.

- Well, he's got to.

- Barnaby. - Go!

(suspenseful music)

- Excuse me.

- Get out the way, get out.

- Excuse me.

Would you mind standing to the right?

- Move!

- Out of the way.

- [Barnaby] Dad?

- Sorry.

(alarm trilling) (people exclaiming)

- Follow me!

(suspenseful music) (alarm trilling)

(can bangs)

Barnaby!

(suspenseful music)

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

(suspenseful music)

- There, look.

Dad!

Dad!

(suspenseful music)

- Nigel Walker?

I'm Detective Suleiman.

(footsteps tapping)

- Come on!

- Oh god, what are we gonna do now?

- I don't know what you're going to do but I am out.

- What?

- I don't want Jihads up my ass.

- They're not up your ass.

They're up my ass.

- Barnaby, I like you, but you're not my priority.

I got a family to look after.

- Nina, I can't do this without you.

- So then go to the cops, okay?

Cooperate, your dad knew what he was doin' all right?

He can do the time.

- Please.

- Sorry kid.

You're on your own.

- I guess you were right.

You never really know a person.

(melancholy music)

(suspenseful music)

(door rattles) (bell dings)

(door creaks) (bell dings)

- Tati Nina, they took them.

Some men came and then took them.

- Sofia, where' ma?

Where's ma? (telephone rings)

Answer it. (telephone rings)

- Hello?

- [Man On Phone] We want our money.

- But I gave it to Smith.

It's them.

- [Man On Phone] 50,000 pounds or the old women die.

- [Maria] Who are you callin' old huh?

(women screaming)

- I promise you, I don't have it.

We gave the money to Smith.

We don't have it!

- Wait.

I took the money.

- You sneaky bloody bitch.

- [Man On Phone] I'm waiting.

We want our money.

- Couldn't we just give you the statue back?

Do you have a returns policy?

- They're not John Lewis. - Right.

Look, they're worth a lot more than 50,000 anyway.

One like it just sold at Sotherby's

for half a million pounds.

- [Man On Phone] So give us half a million pounds.

- Oh, Jesus, Barnaby.

- No, that's not what I meant.

- [Man On Phone] You don't cooperate,

you call the police, the women die.

(women screaming)

You have two days.

- Listen to me, you camel-dick smoking whacko.

I assume you don't have many women in your life

so do you have any idea

what menopause does to your sense of proportion?

The shit I am going to do to you

will make Sharia law look like spring fucking break.

You! (telephone beeps)

Hello?

They hung up.

- You took our money.

- Yes, I took your money, okay?

I had to get them outta New York, all right?

Some people were comin' after them.

- Who?

Come on, who?

Spit it out.

- I shot a guy from a cartel.

Ya happy?

- Over the bloody moon.

The cartel, wonderful.

Anything else anyone's got to add?

Maybe someone whacked a yardie?

We could pop down to Chinatown, firebomb a casino,

get the Triads involved as well.

The more the merrier.

- I was going to give you your money back.

- Oh, well, now I can relax

because obviously you are a woman of your word.

- Will you guys shut up?

Now, I'd really like to see grandma again

so how's about you stop bitchin' and start thinkin' about

how you gonna get that money.

- There's a Chinatown here?

(upbeat music)

♪ Everybody's high on consolation ♪

♪ Everybody's tryin' to tell me what is right for me ♪

♪ My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon ♪

♪ But it's plain to see that they can't comfort me ♪

♪ Sorry Charlie for the imposition ♪

♪ I think I got it, I got the strength to carry on, oh yeah ♪

♪ I need a drink and a quick decision ♪

♪ Now it's up to me, ooh, what will be ♪

♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪

♪ Oh I, oh I ♪

♪ I better learn how to face it ♪

♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪

♪ Oh I, oh I ♪

♪ I'd pay the devil to replace her ♪

♪ She's gone, she's gone ♪

(upbeat music)