Original subtitles

If I let you go, would you do

me a favor?

We'd be glad to.

Kennedy is my name.

Mr. Hardy is mine.

This is Mr. Laurel, Mr. Kennedy. How do you do, Mr. Laurel?

Now here's the proposition.

Chief and I are on the outs.

And I want to get on the good side of them.

Naturally.

Certainly.

What I want you boys to do is to go up and rob the chief's house.

I would be arrested.

That's the idea.

And I will arrest you.

That will put me in good with the chief.

What's going to become of us?

Don't let that worry you. Kennedy will fix it.

We won't.

Be as quiet as you can.

I'll see you later.

What's the matter?

I'm dead.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Kennedy will fix it.

Oh, it's the cat, sir.

50 cents a street.

And a good old summertime.

Thank you.

My mission here is to raise $100 to save a poor, gray-haired old lady

from being thrown into the streets.

My friend and I are willing to sacrifice our all by offering this car to

the highest bidder.

Just what are you two fellas trying to do?

We're trying to sell this car to raise $100 to keep a poor old lady from being

thrown into the streets.

Anybody will help a poor old...

We're catching fish at the fish market.

Do you have to catch them too?

No, sir. This is our day off.

Just a little form of recreation.

Hey, how do you fellas like a real job?

What doing?

Sailing with me on my ship.

No, sir. Thank you, but we don't like the ocean.

How do you guys like to make some nice, easy money?

What do we have to do? I'm sailing tonight, and I'm short of crew.

If you help me get some men, I'll give you a dollar.

A dollar?

Let me see the money.

Right here.

We'll do it.

Follow me and I'll show you where they are.

This is the joint I told you about.

You'll find all the guys I need in there.

And a dollar?

Let them chase you out, then I'll clunker.

Where's your clunker?

Wait, I'll find one.

Now go in and do your stuff.

This is the place I was telling you about.

Twelve pounds of sugar.

Three cans of malt.

Twelve cakes of yeast.

What did you say?

Twelve cakes of yeast.

When are you going to get that tooth fixed?

Every time you speak, you make a funny noise.

It sounds like a pipe organ.

One dozen packages of hops and three crocks.

Now, let's see.

Now,

for $8.06, we can make 15 gallons.

15 gallons.

What we can't drink, we can sell.

Come on.

The loose tooth that does that.

Oh, it is.

That should be attended to.

Yes, sir. As soon as I get out, I'm going to have it fixed.

Do you know that song about the yanks are coming?

Come on.

We're going to yank that, too.

Do you mind if I have my friend in here with me?

Okay.

Oh,

stop your playing.

Which one is it?

This one.

You hurt?

Uh-uh.

Then what do you have this bolt for?

It's only loose. It's...

Nothing to be afraid of.

Sit down.

Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days?

Why, you won't even feel it.

You won't feel it, but how about me?

How about those other fellas?

They were only laughing.

You know, there are times when you try my patience.

There's nothing to it. It's all in your mind.

Just sit back and relax.

Why, they could pull every tooth in my head.

Why didn't you tell him?

I thought you were laughing.

Say, what are you basing about?

Didn't I get the right tooth?

You got the right tooth, but the wrong man.

It didn't hurt a bit, did it?

Not a bit.

Fall

in.

We are not going to the mess hall.

We are not going to eat.

You're not going to eat?

No, we're on a hunger strike.

going to pass up that nice big roast turkey with chestnut

dressing and sweet potatoes southern style

great big pan of hot biscuit

strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream

sprinkled with powdered sugar with a nice big maraschino cherry on the

top of it, followed by a nice big

slice of ice-cold watermelon, and a big black

cigar.

Any nuts?

All you can eat of them.

and postpone the strike till tomorrow.

Well, but not one minute after tomorrow.

Come on, Polly!

And he's set.

And you are, my boy.

I hold in my hands the pardons for both of you.

This is the state's gesture in showing its appreciation of your bravery.

It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a

disaster of cataclysmic dementia.

Begin life anew.

Forget this.

Let this episode here be just a hiatus.

To be obliterated from your memory.

And don't forget that I'm your friend.

Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any

time. Thank you, sir.

We'll start all over again.

We certainly will.

Can we take your order for a couple of cases?

You sound like a seal.

Take a drink of water.

The landlord finds out we've got a dog, he'll throw us out.

Now, shh!

Where's that dog?

What dog?

You know what dog?

I heard it barking.

My friend Mr. Laurel has the hick horse.

What are

you going to do

with him? You know my rules about dog.

I'm going to throw...

I'll throw you out too.

Now get to bed.

Poor little laughing gravy.

I'm going to get my dog.

You've gotten us into enough trouble. I'll do it.

Come down and let you in.

No, no, no.

The landlord will hear you.

Tie two sheets together and pull me up.

Why don't you do something to help me?

What's the matter?

Help me pull this boot on.

Don't stand there looking like a sphinx!

Give me a hand!

Help me get the...

Let's get together.

There's nothing to getting a boot off.

You don't have to drag me around the room.

It's most embarrassing.

Let's concentrate and use our brains.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Remember the old adage?

A task slowly done is surely done.

Do you understand?

Sure.

Now... I lie on the floor.

You get a firm hold on the boot.

Now grab hold of something.

Or hold of something. Now pull.

to demonstrate to you how simple it is.

Now give me the boot.

I didn't expect to see you here today.

Well, I didn't have anything else to do, so I thought I'd drop in and see you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What have you got there?

I brought you some hard boiled eggs and some nuts.

Now you know I can't eat hard boiled eggs and nuts.

If you wanted to bring me something, why didn't you bring me a box of candy?

It cost too much.

Well, what has that got to do with it?

You didn't pay me for the last box I brought you.

Have one?

No, I'd rather not.

That water.

Is my little patient today?

Just fine, thank you, doctor.

And this is my friend, Mr. Laurel.

I hope I find you well.

Thank you, ma'am.

Gee.

How long do you think I'll be in here, doctor?

Oh, at least a couple of months.

Gee, that's great.

This is the first time in my life I've had such a wonderful rest.

Kelsey, darling.

Stanley's coming with a limousine.

Oh, wonderful.

Where do you keep the ladders?

Around back in the garage.

I'll be right back.

And what can I do for you, sir?

I'd like to see Mr.

Hardy.

Hardy? Yeah, he's going to Elope with Delcy.

Elope!

Elope! Come here!

What are you trying to do?

Where's the car?

Around the corner.

Hurry, Delcy, darling. We're discovered.

Hand me your baggage.

Lord, I'll sit here out of the way.

Pardon, sir. There's a fellow at the door announcing an elopement.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Don't good morning me.

Where were you last night?

Stan took me to see a Punch and Judy show.

I'm getting sick and tired of this. It's Stan here, Stan there, Stan wants me to

go here, Stan wants me to go there.

I tell you, it's beginning to get on my nerves.

Why, you ought to be ashamed to even be seen on the street with him. When I tell

you I understand, well, why don't you answer the telephone?

Is that you, Ollie?

Yes. Say, listen, I just got a couple of tickets for tonight for the Cement

Workers Bazaar. Can you come along?

We might win a prize.

They're going to give away a steam shovel.

Yes, Mr. Jones.

Thank you very much, Mr. Jones. I certainly appreciate it.

Goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones, my new boss.

Oh!

He's having a big business meeting tonight and he wants me to attend.

Oliver! All of the out-of-town boys are going to be there.

Big, influential men.

Just the kind of men that you want me to associate with.

Oh, at last you're beginning to get someplace.

It'll do me a lot of good.

Why, naturally.

It'll have a tendency to promote me to higher endeavors.

Hello? Hey, Ollie, this is me.

Oh, hello, Mr. Jones.

Oh, don't you worry. I'm quite sure it'll be all right.

What do you want?

I just came to tell Ollie that was me on the phone.

Shakespeare. Longfellow.

Needles.

Pins.

Isn't that cute?

Did you get paid, Bert?

I sure did.

Well, as soon as we get through eating, we'll go ashore and have a swell time.

All right.

And come back broke as usual.

Oh, I don't know. You make the money, I'll invest it for you.

And you'll be millionaires before you can save Jack Robinson.

What did you say?

That sounds swell to me.

What about you, Al? It's okay with me, Bert. How about you, Ben? Why, it's a

knockout. I think it's good, too.

Here's my money.

Bert, you've seen my money. I put them here just a minute ago.

Remember when you were having your coffee there?

Isn't that swell?

Now we're going to be millionaires.

Who's this fellow Jack Robinson? I don't know.

I never heard of him.

74 bucks.

Boys, I'm proud of you.

That's what I call determination.

We're full of it. Suppose you'll have to have a little pin money to spend on

shore. After all, it's all right to be careful.

But we've got to have our little flame.

Just to break the monotony.

There's a dollar between you.

A dollar?

Well, we can't do much flinging on a dollar. Well, the less you fling, the

sooner you'll be millionaires.

He's right, Bert.

Oh, yes. What about a receipt for our money?

You're right, my lad.

I'm glad to see you've got good business sense.

A receipt.

I owe you $74.

Just to make this binding, you two boys stay there.

Blakey.

Hardy.

Alfie, Laurel.

Sammy, Connor.

Banks.

Now, everything is on the up and up.

Hey, you swabs. The mate told me to tell you the captain wants to see you right

away and make it snappy.

Okay, big boy, we'll be right up.

This is what I want to see you about.

I'm expecting a small package to be delivered to me here, but I can't wait.

I've got to get over to the customs.

I want you two boys to stay here. Get this package and bring it to me to

Denker's Beer Garden.

I'll meet you there about four bells.

Aye, sir. You know where Denker's Beer Garden is?

Aye, sir.

It's on 5th and 8th. Yeah, caddy corner between 6th and 7th on 9th. It's just

across the way. You know where it is. Aye, sir.

I hope I can rely on you to do this thing for me. Captain, you can trust us

and sip it.

Well, I hope so because it's a very important package.

What's in the package, Cappy?

None of your business what's in it. Go on, get out of here.

And don't call me Cappy.

Could you tell us where... Pardon us, officer.

But could you tell us where Denker's beer garden is?

Sure. Just around the corner there.

Thank you.

Pardon me, officer.

Me too.

It's all right.

I wonder what's in that package.

Didn't you hear what the captain said?

That's none of your business.

Always prying into other people's affairs.

And my name is Alice.

Alice.

My mother's name was...

Your mother's name wasn't Alice.

That was her second name on my father's side.

Well, what about something to eat?

What have you got ready?

Well, we got a quarter-house steak just coming off the fire. That's okay.

And you?

I'll have a lobster Newberg, mock turtle soup, a New York cut steak, well done,

mayonnaise potatoes, broccoli with hollandaise sauce on the side, a head of

lettuce with Rockford cheese dressing, heavy on the Rockford.

Coffee, uh, demitasse.

And I think that'll be all.

Don't you want any dessert?

Oh, that's sweet of you. Uh, a crepe suzette. Make that, too.

Excuse me just a moment.

Uh, will you pardon us? My friend wishes to speak to me in private.

Go right ahead.

We'll be right back.

Go in there. We can talk private. Nobody will hear us.

What do you want to tell me?

What about them ordering all that food? You know, we've only got 75 cents.

Don't worry about that. I've got it all figured out. We'll go over and see Finn

and get our money back.

Well, he won't give us our money back. You know, he told him... Oh, yes, he

will give it back. I know how to handle him. And besides, it's our money and

we'll do what we like with it.

Well, I thought we were going to start saving and be millionaires. We can start

saving on the next trip.

Now we've got a chance to have a swell time, so we might as well take advantage

of it. You know, we only live once.

I guess you're right.

We can be millionaires any time.

Any old time.

Now let's go back to the girls.

Hey, would you chaps mind stepping out a minute? That call is for me.

Hey, stay where you are. I'll get it. It'll only take a second.

You know, I'm sorry to disturb you, boys, but this call is from the wife.

You know, I have to tell her I'm bringing home the milk.

I'd rather we'd step out a minute. Oh, stay where you are. It'll just be a

second.

Hello? Wait.

I lost it. Where is it?

Right here, sir.

You want toilet on, will you? I'll be just a minute.

Listen, I'll bring it home. Wait a minute.

Pardon me, will you? Yes, sir.

Just a minute.

There's a little, I don't know, a little trouble.

Somebody took the phone.

We'll go to the ship and change our clothes and take you out for a good

time. That's okay with me. Me too.

But don't be gone too long. Oh, we won't. Now you won't go away, will you?

Because we're coming back.

You bet we won't. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Alice. We'll be back in the shipping.

Come on, don't get it, Patty.

You're always spitting around.

Just a minute.

Do you think I'm such a sap that I'd let you get away from here without paying

that bill?

Now you either give me that door...

I'll beat you both up or I'll have you pinched.

Or maybe I'll beat you both up and have you pinched too.

Can't you make up your mind?

But my good man, don't you understand?

It's simple. We're going to the boat, get our money and come back and pay you.

See? No, you're not. You ain't going to leave here until you pay me that bill or

leave me something for security.

Why don't you leave him the ring?

Then we get our money from Pendleton, come back and pick it up and the captain

won't be any the wiser.

Splendid. We've just figured out a plan.

You'll like this.

How about that for security?

This is... How's this

table? Oh, this is nice. Better than being inside.

Isn't that the way with men?

Here we've known them all afternoon and they pick up with a couple of perfect

strangers. Well, they're not going to get away with it. Come on, Lily.

Say, listen, big boy, I don't think much of your taste ditching us for a couple

of old crumps like these.

I beg your pardon. Do you know who you're talking to? Ah, sit down, old

lady, before you fall apart.

Oh, now listen, cutie. I don't think that was very nice of you to walk out

and leave us sitting here.

Quiet, Big. You're pardoned, madam, but just what do you mean?

What are you looking so innocent about?

I'm not so innocent.

You bet you're not. And if you're as guilty as I think you are, you ought to

be ashamed of yourself.

No wonder you didn't want to come in here. Thank goodness I found you out in

time. Oh, but I'll tell you that this is a frame-up.

We've never met these women, have we? Uh-uh. Oh, you've never met us?

They called themselves Mr. Laurel and Mr.

Hardy. That's all I want to know. Pay the check and let's get out of here.

Yes, pay it. We've been waiting two hours for you to bail us out.

Bye-bye, baby face.

So you went to a Punch and Judy show, huh? Here's your bill.

$15.60 for this?

No, $0.60 for this and $15 for what you had in there before.

Well,

well, well.

Fancy meeting you here.

Say, which is Alice and which is Lily?

Alice and Lily?

Why, are you sure you know these gentlemen?

Why, they're buddies of mine.

Say, where did you get the swell clothes?

Clothes? Yes. The last time I saw them, they had no clothes on.

They had no clothes on?

Who is this man? I don't know, Mama. He's an absolute stranger to us, isn't

he? He certainly is.

Who am I? You.

A stranger, eh?

Oh.

Trying to make out they don't know me. Well, you take a look at that.

We're going to stay out all night, and we are not going home until they come to

us and apologize.

That's a good idea.

We'll give them enough rope so we can hang ourselves. Hold on, boys.

What's the trouble now?

Oh, we just had a little argument with the wives.

Yeah, you see, they don't understand us, so we're going to teach them a lesson.

Aren't we, Ollie? Yes, and we're going to stay out all night.

I'm looking for a couple of sailors from the prairie.

and a big fat one. Have they been in here?

You mean the two guys with the pearl ring?

How did you know they had a pearl ring? I saw it.

They gave it to me as security, and I gave it back to them when they paid

their bill.

Were they not?

Oh, I don't know. They got mixed up in here with a drunk, and I threw them all

out. You'll probably find them in some other joint or beer.

After this, we'd better go home and see if our wives are sorry. Maybe Bob...

Don't worry about them. Let them worry about us.

We're going to have the best time tonight we've ever had.

Well, look who's here.

Well, Alice!

What's the matter? We can explain everything.

Three cigars, please. Yes, sir.

Thank you.

You have one?

Thank you.

Good evening. Where's that package?

What package?

like it's containing the pearl ring.

You've got that pearl ring, haven't you? I have.

And what business is it of yours?

I'll soon show you what... Now, just a minute.

You'll have to lower your voices or you'll be put out. Remember, we cater to

ladies and gentlemen here. All right, I understand.

You double-crossing swamp, give me that ring.

Are you trying to frighten me?

Go ahead, little boy, and peddle your fish.

Take your hands off me! Take your hands off me!

Put me off!

Whoa!

Whoa!

That guy must be crazy.

Stanley, go and get the manager. And take that...

It must be Bert. I'll go and see.

What happened?

You know what's happened. Where's the manager?

What manager?

He slipped the ring in his pal's pocket.

That's the ball.

This lug's got a very valuable pearl ring, and he refuses to give it up. No,

you're mistaken.

He's got the ring. One of you guys knows where it is, and you'd better cough it

up. I haven't got the ring.

Shakespeare. Not now.

All right, you crooks. If you won't tell us where it is, we'll have to give you

the works.

Go to it, Tiny. When you get the dope, you know where to find us.

All right.

I thought we were going for a ride. Just a minute there, boys. Sit down.

What do I want to talk to these men here?

Sit down.

All right, boys. Mix up the cement. All set up, Tiny.

We're gonna put your feet in cement.

And if you don't talk by the time it hardens, we're gonna throw you off the

dock!

Why don't you give them the ring? What?

I don't know. They gave us the slip on the last turn.

We'd better get back to the ship.

Now, you swabs, give me that pearl ring or I'll gong you like rats.

We don't know where it is.

Shakespeare. No, not now.

Let him go.

Pull him up again.

Better give me another one. It's the last one I've got.

Don't believe this here.

Here's a box full.

Where did that come from? Never mind where it came from.

We'll go find the captain and give it back to him. Come on.

Captain, here's your drink.

Oh, thanks very much.

Do you see what I saw? Certainly. You know who they are?

They're our twin brothers, Stan and Ollie.

What do they do? I don't know. Come on, let's get them up.

Well,

well, well, hello, Ollie.

Hello, Blake. Gee, it's great to see you.

Hello, Stan.

Hello, Al.

What are you doing here?

Mother wrote us and told us that you two were dead. Well, we just arrived this

morning on the periwinkle.

That explains everything.

They've been mistaken for us, and we've been mistaken for them.

Why, Satan.

Let's go home and explain it to the wife. You're sure looking good, Stanley.

But how you have altered.

You've altered too, but you haven't changed a bit. Has he, Ollie?

He's just a storm.

That laurel is the dumbest thing I ever saw.

The other one is, too.

You're absolutely right, Burt. Neither one of them can see any further than the

end of their nose.