Original subtitles

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family

♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

(GOMEZ SPEAKING LATIN)

(HARPSICHORD PLAYING)

That Uncle Tom's Cabin sure packs a wallop.

They say Latin is a dead language.

Thank you, culture lovers.

Oh, hello, darlings.

You just missed your father's Latin hour.

How was school today?

Back to reality, eh, children, from a world of fantasy?

Wednesday, Pugsley?

What's the matter, children?

Oh, I know, you got A's again.

Worse.

That cranky old principal scolded us for having fun at recess.

Recess?

If I remember correctly, I flunked that three times.

Tough.

But why on earth would the principal scold you?

Search us. We were just showing the kids how to shoot dynamite caps.

Well, it seems harmless enough.

At least they weren't frittering away their time with marbles.

But he got real mad when one of the kids blew up the teeter-totter.

He didn't follow my instructions,

and the principal said if we ever played with dynamite again,

he'd expel us.

Expel you?

(CHUCKLES) He can't do that.

Can he?

After all, darling, he is the principal.

You children run along now and play.

Gomez, if that principal denies our children normal self-expression,

they're liable to become frustrated and warped.

You're right. We don't want them bitter

and suspicious of their fellow men.

I think we ought to transfer them to another school.

Those public schools, they're all the same.

No, no, no, I mean a private school.

Darling, do you remember Mr. Hilliard?

Hilliard? Hilliard.

Oh, the fellow who used to be the truant officer.

The very one.

I've heard he's running a marvelous private school called Mockridge Hall.

That's it then. Mockridge Hall.

I'll ring up Hilliard right away.

As old Erasmus Addams once said,

"You've got to take the bull by the teeth."

Teeth?

Some people here to see you.

If there are more bill collectors, I'm out.

Our bank account is absolutely...

Oh, they said their name was Addams.

Addams? One "D" or two?

They didn't say.

Did they seem a little...

Quite a little.

Miss Ames, I just remembered a dental appointment,

and I can hardly wait to get there.

Mr. Hilliard, what a charming surprise!

You see, Gomez, it is our old friend.

Hilliard, old bean, you just sort of dropped out of sight.

Yeah, I certainly tried.

You're the only truant officer our children ever missed.

We wondered if you were still with the public school system?

No, no, that didn't work out, thanks to you.

Our pleasure, old man, and a shrewd move on your part, too.

You do remember our remarkable offspring?

Pugsley and Wednesday.

Names that haunt even my happiest hours.

Mr. Hilliard, what a lovely compliment!

In that case, Hilliard, you'll be more than delighted to know

that we are again placing them in your capable hands.

Oh, no.

We want to enroll them in Mockridge Hall immediately.

The public school system is stifling their creative talents.

I can imagine.

Well, that's that.

Come, my dear, we'll fetch our offspring at once.

Just a moment. I'm afraid there's a slight complication.

Yes, the tuition. No problem at all. You name it.

No, it isn't that. You see, we have a very limited enrolment.

And at the moment, there are absolutely no openings.

Well, you see, we have just so many desks.

As a matter of fact, I had to turn down somebody this morning.

Oh, but, Mr. Hilliard, there must be some way.

No way. No way at all, Mrs. Addams.

I'm sorry, but there's absolutely no possibility of...

You see, we have just so many desks.

Well, there's your answer.

Two more desks, no problem.

Will $10,000 cover it?

As you can see,

my husband has the ability to solve

the most insurmountable problems.

Come on, my pet, we'll find the children at once.

(SOBBING)

Gomez, look.

I had no idea Mr. Hilliard was such a sentimentalist.

Weeping for joy.

You, too?

Every school loves a military touch.

We just had to show our appreciation

by giving this school this cannon.

But why does it have to be my cannon?

How can I face that empty room tonight?

Uncle Fester, it's for the children.

Well, in that case, you better let me sight it in,

in case they decide to use it.

In case they decide to use it?

Fester, this cannon will be an absolute must

at jousting, regattas, polo and curling events.

I would estimate a five-knot breeze from the direction

(SNIFFING)

of the glue factory.

The glue factory? That's dinner.

Yes.

Good shot, Fester.

Too bad the chief lost his fighting spirit when Geronimo quit.

Children, home from dear old Mockridge Hall so soon?

They let Pugsley and me come home in the middle of our first class.

I'll wager the pets were a smash hit.

When my octopus gave the teacher a hug,

she got so flustered she rang the fire alarm.

Dear Aristotle, he's such an affectionate creature.

Sometimes I worry about the way he takes up with total strangers.

And did teacher like your Gila monster?

She got so thrilled that she called for Mr. Hilliard to come and see it,

and then she got so excited that she fainted.

Anyone who likes animals that much has got it here.

Next pet day you should take Mama's alligator.

Do you think she'll let us?

Well, why don't you ask her?

She's downstairs in the basement wrestling with him now.

I nearly forgot. Mr. Hilliard sent you a note.

A personal note from Mr. Hilliard. Isn't that thoughtful?

Man's a pure thoroughbred, Tish.

(BOX CREAKING)

Thank you, Thing.

Smartest thing we ever did, enroll the children at Mockridge Hall.

Gomez, darling, I don't understand this.

I think it's some sort of joke.

Oh, Hilliard, he's a laugh a minute. What is it this time?

Well, he says the children are permanently expelled.

He even suggests a psychiatrist.

"No amount of money in this world is sufficient."

Morticia, this man sounds irrational.

He does need a psychiatrist.

I'll call him right now and get things squared away.

Darling, don't you think I'd better call?

You're apt to be a bit excited.

You're right, my dear.

Where the welfare of my children is concerned, I'm a snarling wolf at bay.

(TELEPHONE DIALING)

Oh, thank you, Thing.

Hello?

May I speak with Mr. Hilliard, please?

Mrs. Addams calling.

(BABBLING)

What did he say?

I'm afraid you're right, dear.

The poor man is irrational.

I could hardly understand him.

Did you get the gist of it?

Well, he babbled something about Board of Regents and the faculty.

He said the children would be a menace in any school.

Poor devil, he's not responsible.

Being pressured by higher-ups.

I'm afraid you're right.

But what do we do about the children? What about their schooling?

Morticia, there are some things that money just won't buy.

And some things it will.

Mockridge Hall, for instance.

Crackling good notion.

We'll buy the place, run it as it should be run,

and take the pressure off of Hilliard.

Oh, I wish I could be there when that wonderful man hears the good news.

You will, you will, my dear.

It will be another glorious chapter in Addams history.