Original subtitles

♪ I got a blind date waiting to call on me any minute now ♪

♪ I got a blind date What am I gonna see Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Any minute now Right over there's the doorway ♪

♪ He will be walkin' through ♪

♪ Will he be six-foot-eight or only four-foot-two It could happen ♪

♪ I got a blind date waiting to come around Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Any minute now Oy, but I'm nervous Listen to my heart pound ♪

♪♪ (Drum) ♪ Boom, Dee, boom Boom, Dee, boom, boom, Dee ♪

♪ Why do I need this headache ♪

♪ Single is not a crime ♪

♪ I got a blind date and with my luck ♪

♪ He'll come on time ♪

(Laughing)

♪ I got a girlfriend Shirley who says, why not ♪

(Laughs) ♪ She's an idiot ♪

♪ This guy's a friend from a friend of a friend she got ♪

Hello. How do you do? ♪ What an idiot ♪

♪ What do I need from Shirley ♪

♪ Her and her 50 cup ♪

♪ I got a blind date and I'm praying he stands me up ♪

Wait, wait. What am I praying, he stands me up? I'll stand him up!

I smell a rat anyway. I'm gonna hide under the bed.

He'll walk in. He'll never see me.

He'll look around. I wouldn't be there.

He'll go away, and that's the end of that. Perfect!

Now, you keep quiet. Not a word, ya hear? Ya didn't see a thing.

(Knocking) Oh, oh, oh! There he is!

Okay, shh‒ quiet, everybody. Shh‒ quiet.

♪♪ (Orchestra)

Rosalie? She doesn't seem to be here.

Well, that's never happened to me before.

It worked! It worked! He never saw me.

Boy, am I lucky. I didn't see him neither, but I could just imagine what a lox that one was.

(Laughing) Wait a minute. What? What?

He looked like Rudolph. Rudolph who?

Rudolph Valentino! Get away!

That's right. Wait a minute. Is this person kidding me around here?

No! (Laughing)

Get away. Hmm.

Well, that's what happened. I let him get away.

♪ What'll I do now Maybe become a nun ♪

That's impossible.

♪ I'm callin' Shirley Maybe she'll bring a gun ♪

♪ Please, Shirley Even if he's Lon Chaney ♪

♪ Fat, bald or short or tall ♪

♪ Having a blind date's better than having no date ♪

Ow! ♪ At no time ♪

♪ With no one at all ♪♪

Ohh! He's cute. Hello there.

Oh, my God! Oh, Shirley.

(Applause) Thank you.

I can't find him.

(Applause)

He said he'd be here before the finale. Where is he?

Fanny, honey, he said if he could make it here tonight,

he would try to get here before the finale.

He'll be here. Don't get your hopes up too high.

Thanks for everything, Fanny. I hate to see the show close.

We'll do another one soon. I hope so.

See you on the breadline.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm! Ooh.

Oh, I told you. I told you, Adele.

"I'll always love you." He'll always love me.

Mmm! Uh, Fanny, uh‒

Nick didn't come with the flowers.

This did.

I'm afraid it's pumpkin time, princess.

(Applause)

Why don't you go pass out the...

presents to the kids,

before the booze eats its way out of the bottles?

(Door Opens, Closes)

Easy come, easy go.

Fanny... Out! Out!

If you're gonna sob, do a single.

(Fanny's Voice) ♪ Nicky Arnstein ♪

♪ Nicky Arnstein ♪♪

Anything coming up? Anything at all?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've auditioned for a couple of things. Mm-hmm.

I'm scared, Fanny.

I think I'm getting to be a little too, uh,

distinguished to go on shaking it around.

You know what I mean? (Chuckles)

How many shows we been in together, Bobby? Oh, s‒

Six? Oh, easy.

Yeah. You knew me...

before Nick,

during Nick, after Nick.

You're always doing this for me, that for me.

It's time I started paying you for it someway.

Hey, Fanny, I'm not really...

Maybe you're not really, but I am really...

What is that supposed to mean? How do I know?

I got the willies too. The show closing‒

Hey, can you balance a checkbook?

Well, now, you know, I bet I could,

if somebody showed me how. Yeah.

You don't have to offer me a job. I couldn't take money from you.

Who's offering you money? You think I got any money?

We'll all be back in here soon.

You bet we will, Ben. You better start getting the gum off the seats.

Hey, I got a terrific idea. What?

Move into my place, Bobby. No pay, but room and "board" you won't be.

I think we can help each other. I mean it.

I'm going to say something stupid.

I know a little of what you're going through,

'cause, you see, I miss Nick too.

So I do know a little bit of what it's like.

Now, it's just a matter of time, Fanny.

Yeah, and Nick's pride.

He will make a comeback, and when he does, you'll be there.

Yeah. I ain't goin' nowhere, kid, except home.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on. I'll race ya. (Laughs)

When do you start the new Follies?

He can't raise the money, Barney.

Ziegfeld can't raise the money? Not even from Buck?

Things are tough all over. Even the grocer is suing us.

It's going to look lousy going to court over cornflakes and toilet paper.

Fanny, darling, I think I'd better make you a loan.

Barney, "dollink," I think I'd better sell my house. What do you think I can get?

Not anywhere near what it's worth‒ not in this market,

and not with the mortgage it carries. What about a second mortgage?

What about a loan?

What's the use of borrowing? I just have to give it back.

- Of course, there are Fran's holdings. - I didn't hear it.

(Woman) I told you Mr. Baruch was engaged— (Man) It's all right.

He'll understand. He's got an important client.

I'm sorry. There's a very important meeting. No interruptions.

Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Baruch. Excuse me for busting in like this.

I brought you this milk shake. I wanted to get it to you before it lost its foam.

Sorry to bust in on you like this, Miss Brice.

I hope the milk shake's not C.O.D., kid. (Laughs)

Now that we're all here, is there anything I can do for ya?

Fanny, Mr. Rose is a man of many parts.

Among other things, he's a champion speed-writer, 200 words a minute.

We were just going over Miss Brice's daughter's holdings.

Maybe I can be of some help. Do you mind?

Why should I mind? Great.

(Clattering) So I‒ (Laughs)

I'm so‒ I'd like to make a few suggestions for Fran.

This is rough, but I think you should take a few more losses.

These will only go lower, so I'd sell...

American Hide and Leather, bought at 34, now 81/2.

AT&T, bought at 158, now 111.

Celutex, bought at 60, now 3.

From 60 to 3? Keep it. We shouldn't cause Celutex more aggravation.

Cuban American Sugar, bought at 21, now 3.

Elkhorn Coal, bought at five 1/2, now 1/8.

Elkhorn Coal. It figures.

Noranda Mines, bought at 17, now 17.

Bought at 17, still 17? That's a winner.

Maracaibo Oil, bought at 103, now one and three-quarters.

Pennsylvania Coal and Coke, bought at 121/2, now 4.

Sell, sell, before they wipe my kid out.

Billy, did you get it?

"American Hide and Leather, bought at 34, now 81/2.

"AT&T, bought at 158, now 111. Celutex bought at 60, now 3.

"From 60 to 3? Keep it. We shouldn't cause Celutex more aggravation.

"Cuban American Sugar, bought at 21, now 3.

"Elkhorn Coal, bought at five 1/2, now 1/8. Elkhorn coal. It figures.

"Noranda Mines, bought at 17, now 17.

"Bought at 17, still 17? That's a winner.

"Maracaibo Oil, bought at 103, now one and three-quarters.

"Pennsylvania Coal and Coke, bought at 121/2, now 4.

Sell, sell, before they wipe my kid out. Billy, did you get it?"

That about sums it up. There's an act in there somewhere.

Now, if you'd allow me to make you a loan?

Thanks, Barney. Thank you for seeing me.

Anytime, my dear. Anytime. Come on, Bobby.

Nice seeing you again, Bobby. Same here.

Uh, listen, uh‒

Miss Brice, hang‒ hang on to that AT&T, huh? Believe me.

(Clacking)

Who's the pansy?

Mr. Moore is Miss Brice's secretary now.

He's a very old friend, from the days with Nick.

Oh. She should have taken a loss.

(Gasps) Look at this child. That was gorgeous, sweetheart!

You'd better get out there and hustle.

Get an act together. Play the Palace. Why don't you cut a record?

Who can afford to put together an act? It takes money. Where am I going to get new material?

I know what we should do. Get all duded up. Go around to all the spots.

Fran. (Speaks French)

Merci beaucoup, monsieur Cornell. (Sniffs)

Oh, mon Dieu. (French)

Right, right. Wonderful, wonderful. Ah.

What'd she say? It makes her mad when I let my nose drip.

Oh, so you mean anytime my nose drips‒ anytime my nose drips...

I have to say, "mouce mi name"? Yeah.

Let's do like I said, huh? Go out and tour the clubs.

Catch all the acts and just see if there's anything we can borrow.

(Woman) ♪ Oh, how I'd cry ♪

♪ Oh, how I'd cry ♪ Excuse me, Miss Brice. May I seat you?

♪ If you got tired ♪

♪ And said good-bye ♪

♪ More than I'd show ♪

♪ More than you'll ♪

♪ Ever ♪

♪ Know ♪♪

This way, please.

Oh, there's Fanny Brice.

Why don't you find out who wrote that song?

Oh, yeah, sure. Order me a stinger, huh? Okay.

Hey, Buck, how are ya? Bobby. Fanny!

Buck! How are they running? Dandy. It's good to see ya.

I'd like you to meet Miss Norma Butler.

Glad to meet you. It's a thrill to meet you.

Nice set of beads. Thank you.

(Laughs) Fanny, I'll call you. Okay.

Let's go, baby. Bye.

♪♪ (Piano) (Clears Throat)

Hey there, Miss Brice. How are ya, huh?

That was quite an entrance you made. You really know how to part the waters.

It ain't difficult to part the waters in a bathtub.

Well, it's a small thing, but my own.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Good for you. Hello there, Joe.

You don't remember me, huh? From Mr. Baruch's office.

"Sell, sell." Did you hang on to AT&T like I told you?

Oh, yeah, I did.

That's good. And, kid, you better be right.

I'm always right.

You got some ashes on your jacket. Oh.

Last time I saw you, you were working for Barney Baruch,

very respectable, and now suddenly you're in the clip business?

Not so suddenly.

I haven't worked for Mr. Baruch in years.

We're just friends.

You mind, uh‒ No, go right ahead.

How do ya‒ Oh, excuse me.

Comme ça. Ah, thank you. That's cute.

You know, to tell you the truth, uh‒

I knew you were in that office that day.

I just wanted to meet you. Hmm.

♪♪ (Piano) Waiter.

One scotch and water, please, and, uh, one stinger.

What'll you have? The drinks are on the house, huh?

Bring me the usual.

What's the usual? Something you stir up in the back room?

I drink celery tonic. You drink celery tonic?

My mother said, "A boozer is a loser."

You had a mother? (Laughs)

So how'd you get from Baruch to here, and why?

Maybe I wanted to wear a black hat and meet girls. You like the girls, huh?

Sorry I took so long. Me too.

The guy who wrote that song runs this club. His name's Rose.

Here.

Is that a fact?

Bobby, I'm sorry.

You remember Mr. Rose here from Baruch's office?

Oh! Oh, yeah, sure.

I didn't recognize you without your milk shake.

You really write that number "More Than You Know"?

Miss Brice, I wrote "More Than You Know" before breakfast.

"When a Woman Loves a Man," I wrote that before I put the cream in my coffee.

Okay, swifty, I get the message. I might like to record it.

Maybe we can get together on a second number. I'm sure we can.

I have three numbers I think would be terrific for ya.

Unfortunately, I promised them to Ruth Etting.

Maybe I can get one of them back. I don't know. It won't be easy.

If I do, I'll let you have it for what Etting pays,

which is one-third off my usual price, 'cause I like the broad.

To tell you the truth, I feel a little sorry for her.

Do you believe your ears?

Kid, new songwriters usually pay me to record their stuff.

Well, I ain't that new.

I'll tell you the truth.

"More Than You Know" I don't like well enough to buy.

I only like it well enough to steal.

That's exactly what I said in the first place.

"More Than You Know" is a definite literal steal.

But take it. It's yours. I don't want to talk about that.

I want to talk about the other number. The one I got in mind for you, you're gonna love it.

You're gonna love what I do for your song, sonny. When I record a number, it sells.

I know that. You're the greatest. I'm lucky you know I'm alive.

Please, let me talk about something else.

This other number‒ I believe in this number so much‒

I believe in it so much I'm willing to gamble with it.

If you record this number, I'll make you a full partner in the publishing.

I'll give you the rights to record for zip, zero.

If it sells under 100,000, we split the royalties down the middle.

If it goes over 100,000, give me a rollback to equal my full percentage from the first share.

And that... I mean, that is only...

That's before we even start talking about the really big numbers, which is sheet music.

So, you see, it's all a steal metaphorically.

Metaphorically, huh? Well, sure.

This is a shrewd kid, Bobby. (Grunts)

I think I'll marry him. I hate paying for material. (Laughs)

Even laughs in the right places.

Tell you what, if we hate the same people and you get your suit cleaned, it's a match.

Ruth Etting, my ass.

That's swell, dear. Anytime I want your ass, I'll know what to call it.

Come on, Bobby, huh? From you I expect a lead sheet. Oh, yeah, Thursday.

Can I have my cigarettes, please? Hey!

Oh, I'm so‒ A little ganef, huh?

(Laughs) Hey, uh, take care of yourself, will ya?

That's a wonderful girl there. Yeah.

(Man) Three, four.

(Fanny) ♪ More than you know ♪

♪ Man of my heart ♪

♪ I love you so ♪ Thank you. Hmm.

Mmm, mmm. ♪ Lately I find ♪

♪ You're on my mind ♪

♪ More than you know ♪ ♪♪ (Clarinets)

What's with the woo-woo on the clarinets? I hate it. It's killing the melody.

Circle the clarinets, too, boys. ♪ Whether you're right ♪

♪ Whether you're wrong ♪ ♪ Whether you're wrong ♪

♪ Man of my heart... ♪ Why don't you go sit over there, kid?

Everything will be all right. Just relax, okay?

Where are we up to? Bar what? Fifteen.

Okay, 15. ♪ Oh ♪ ♪♪ (Drum)

The drum's too heavy over there. I don't really like the tom-tom.

Skinny, a little smoother on the drums.

♪♪ (Hums) Wanna try one?

Yeah, sure, sure, okay.

Why don't you go on over with the mixer, kid, and see how it sounds?

I already know how it sounds. It sounds lousy. The strings are too hot.

What? The strings are too hot.

Let me hear four bars from the top.

Four bars from the top.

♪♪ (Orchestra) ♪♪ (Strings)

He's right, Fritz. Bring down the strings. Bring down the strings.

Bring up the horns.

♪♪ (Orchestra)

Bring up the horns. Bring up the horns, boys.

♪♪ (Orchestra) ♪♪ (Horns)

(Fritz) All right.

Let's go for a take. Here we go. Top?

(Fanny) Could we take that a little slower, please?

Ready? Yep.

(Man) Fanny Brice, "More Than You Know," take one.

♪♪ (Orchestra Continues)

♪ More than you know ♪

♪ More than you know ♪

♪ Man of my heart ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Lately I find ♪

♪ You're on my mind ♪

♪ More than you know ♪

(Mouthing Word)

♪ Whether ♪ ♪ Whether you're right ♪

♪ You're right ♪ ♪ Whether ♪

♪ Whether you're wrong ♪ ♪ You're wrong ♪

Shh! ♪ Man of my ♪

♪ Heart ♪

♪ I'll string along ♪

♪ You need me so ♪

♪ More than you'll ♪

♪ Ever know ♪

♪ Loving you the way that I do ♪

♪ There's nothing I can do about it ♪

♪ Loving may be all you can give ♪

♪ But, honey ♪

♪ I can't live ♪

♪ Without it ♪

♪ Oh, how I'd cry ♪♪

(Laughing)

(Knocking) (Fanny) Come in.

When did you see Billy Rose last?

Three days ago at the recording session. Why?

I don't believe it. Of course, nobody can believe him.

He has just announced a show starring W.C. Fields,

Marilyn Miller, Eddie Cantor, Bert Robbins and you.

In that order? Well, actually, you do get first billing.

(Chuckles)

Well, I guess I'd better go have a little talk with the little man.

♪♪ (Man Hums) ♪♪ (Piano: Dissonant Notes)

♪♪ (Humming Continues)

(Billy) All right, listen to me.

What are you, a decorator? You're a painter.

You paint the chair. I'm gonna hold this watch on ya.

However long it takes you to paint that chair, we're gonna multiply it by 200,

so we both know exactly how long it takes to paint 200 chairs.

That's exactly the amount of time I pay ya for. Got that? Yeah, sure, Mr. Rose.

Where do you want me to do the painting? Where?

Right here, ya goddamn thief, where I can watch ya. Oh!

You got a cigarette? Yeah.

(Knocking) Yeah, come in.

Here you go.

Oh, geez, it's a wonderful, uh, surprise.

I'll bet.

Yeah. What are you stand‒ Go out in the hall. Do it in the hall.

Oh, sure. Do it in the line of the door where I can see ya.

Excuse me, Miss Brice. Painting contract.

Mm-hmm. The chairs.

Yeah. All right, come on. You ready?

One second, one second. Come on.

All right, go. Go.

Thievin' bastards. You gotta watch them every minute.

Well, I'm, uh, very glad that you came up here.

Uh, I'm sorry you found me like this.

But I worked very late at the club, and I, uh‒

I appreciate you're a hard worker.

What I don't appreciate is that you're a fast worker, ya little creep.

Where do you get the nerve using my name in your cockamamie news release?

You interested in an explanation?

I'm interested in retractions.

Maybe you won't be interested in retractions. Maybe you'll agree to‒

To what? To be in some half-assed, sandlot, two-bit production...

scratched up by some tasteless, crummy Johnny-come-lately hustler like you?

I was a Ziegfeld star when you were sweating...

your way to 50 words a minute in shorthand class.

Don't try to hustle me, ya little bum!

I know where I can get $50,000‒ right now.

Oh, really? Yes.

I got the songs. I know where I can get the sketches.

If I get you, I can pull in another star like Williams, but it's you I really want.

You can get 50,000 when Ziegfeld can't? That's right.

Hey, that ain't good enough. That's three rungs in two-and-a-half minutes.

You can do better than that. Sure, Mr. Rose. Sure.

Go ahead. Where?

Where what? Where can you get the 50,000?

Bolton. Buck Bolton?

That's right. I don't believe you. Buck is Ziggy's bank.

He's mine now. How?

Believes in me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you're not just a nickel-and-dime hustler.

Maybe what you are is a really big-time pimp!

Buck's got a new girl, right?

Does she get billing? (Stammers)

She work sketches? Don't lie.

Not yours.

Look, Fanny, you need a show. Really?

I don't see why you have to try to scrape up an act...

and work for farkakte lousy two a day when you can do a show.

- You need me. - You're full of it. You need me.

Let me rephrase it. Please. Use me.

Yeah, let me rephrase it. Don't use me.

You want me to be in your cockamamie show? You ask me, and you ask me nice.

(Sighs)

Fanny, uh, do‒ Do my show.

Please.

Yeah. Please.

Because?

I need you.

Just don't aggravate me.

You'll do it?

What a crummy world.

That a girl. Come on. (Sighs)

Why don't you ever get a manicure? It only costs a buck.

It's not the buck. It takes 20 minutes.

I'm done, Mr. Rose. All finished. Yeah.

I gotta use your john, kid. Yeah, well, listen, uh‒

Oh, hello there. Is that the door to the john?

You're Fanny Brice! I don't believe it.

What, that Fanny Brice goes to the can?

Oh, my God, Miss Brice. I see all your shows every chance I get.

Why, I like to die laughin'.

Sometimes I laugh so hard that I— Fall right out of bed?

Excuse me. Mr. Rose? Yeah, uh, sorry.

What do you got there? Eight minutes.

Eight minutes. Me too. Eight minutes a coat per chair.

You want two coats? Yeah, yeah, two coats.

That's two coats. That's 16 chairs‒

16 minutes per chair times 200 is 3,200 minutes.

That's 53 hours and, uh, 33 minutes.

I'll pay you cash on the line for 45 hours. Take it or leave it.

Sure, that's okay with me. Glad to get the work. Great.

And, congratulations, you got a show going. Thank you, Dave.

Spray 'em.

♪♪ (Piano) Four weeks in rehearsal, this is what you come up with?

They crackin' nuts?

That's cute. What do you call that step? That's a shim-sham.

Wonderful, wonderful. I got such a headache! What is this?

Mr. Rose! What are ya yellin'? They're dancin'!

It's wonderful. You made 16 girls look like two.

Oy, God. Roosters? You bring me roosters?

What are you smilin' at? I hate it.

I pay this creep thousands of dollars for what? To design shrouds?

Put her on a horse.

Who's that? That's one of the showgirls.

I know that. Who hired her?

Well, you did. Get rid of her.

Billy? What? Oh, excuse me.

About Norma's costumes. Oh, yes, well, me too. I'm sick about it. Sick.

The director's sick. We're sick. Absolutely.

What'll it take to straighten them out? Money.

Can I hear the words this time, please?

Please. I wrote them. Billy Rose lyrics‒ I'd like to hear 'em.

♪ Say, it's only a paper moon ♪ Paper, paper, paper.

♪ Sailing over a cardboard ♪ Cardboard. There's a "d" in cardboard.

A car board jumps on the end of a car. ♪ If you believe in me ♪

What, is she gonna do this‒

(Thinking) ♪ I like him ♪

♪ I know he's phony ♪

♪ But when they package it nice and market it right ♪

♪ I buy baloney ♪

♪ Without your love ♪

♪ Yes, I like him ♪

♪ Though I can see he's the type ♪

♪ I better get busy and do unto first ♪

♪ Before I find he's done unto me ♪

♪ He's mostly made of chutzpah ♪ I hate that.

♪ A fake, a con, a lie ♪

♪ Could be I like him ♪

♪ Maybe 'cause so am I ♪

♪♪ (Piano Continues)

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

Hold it! Maybe I can help you out.

I wish you would. I don't think they understand what you're talking about.

That's for sure. Mr. Rose is a very fine lyricist, an artist.

He has great respect for the written word. That's right.

I think he wants you to articulate his artistry. Exactly!

This girl did not get to where she got from not understanding what I say.

You want me to show you? I wish you‒ Hey. Hey!

Watch this. One, two, three, four.

♪ Say, it's only a paper moon ♪

♪ Sailing over a cardboard sea, but ♪

♪ It wouldn't be mak-k-k-e-believe ♪

♪ If you believed in me ♪

♪ Yes, it's only a paper moon ♪ (Thinking) ♪ I like her ♪

♪ I think she's funny ♪

♪ We've a mutual interest deep down inside ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Yes, I like her ♪

♪ Although it's true she's the type you'd better get busy ♪

♪ And do unto first before you find she's done unto you ♪

♪ I'm certain there's a Fanny ♪

♪ You seldom get to see ♪

♪ Whoever that is maybe ♪

♪ She'll like me ♪

♪ It wouldn't be make-believe ♪

You better learn to be a little nicer.

♪ If you believed ♪

Otherwise, those kids are gonna walk out on you.

♪ In me ♪♪

♪♪ (Plays Flourish)

Where do you read that crap? Take five.

(Chattering)

Oh, not now, Bobby, please. Right or left?

Yeah! Yeah.

Maestro!

(Chattering)

(Chattering)

Has anyone seen Miss Butler? Bobby! What?

Have you seen Norma? Oh, no.

Bucky! Bucky! Norma?

These costumes are just beautiful.

Cliff! Are you ready to start the technical rehearsal yet? Phone call for Miss Brice.

Mr. Middleton. We have to talk to you about the moose.

We can't dance with anything like this! Billy!

You don't think a moose is gonna get a laugh? You gotta be nuts.

It's not a moose. It's a buffalo.

I can get a laugh without a moose or buffalo or camel or whatever zoo you bring in.

Also, without ten tons of scenery. The whole thing is overproduced,

and you're dripping mustard.

Screw the mustard. The moose is funny, and he stays.

That's it. I'm the producer.

You do your job, and I'll do mine. You go on the stage and be funny.

Hey, I thought I hired a press agent.

Where you been keepin' yourself? What's the problem?

I want to know if we got any press coming down from New York for tomorrow night.

No, Billy, just the locals, and that's bad enough.

That's funny? Will you get out of here, ya bum ya?

He got a name? Charles. His name is Charles.

Charles, huh?

This moose is gonna get a big laugh. Buffalo!

Watch your cues, Charles. You step on a line, it's open season.

(Chattering)

♪♪ (Orchestra Tuning)

♪♪ (Fanfare)

I'm so nervous.

Break a leg. Thank you.

♪ Wonderful, marvelous lovable, kissable ♪

♪ Girl of mine ♪

♪ Rain or shine ♪

♪ You're on the go ♪

♪ Wonderful, marvelous lovable ♪ One, two‒

♪ Kissable naughty flirt ♪

♪ Must you hurt my feelings so ♪

Wait! I have an entrance. My hat! Please!

I have a cue!

Norma! You're on!

♪ Beautiful face ♪ (Clears Throat)

♪ Have a heart ♪

♪ Beautiful face ♪

Comin' through here. ♪ Don't be so smart ♪

♪ Running around ♪ (Woman Screams)

♪ All over town never will do ♪

- (Gasps) - ♪ Loving you so ♪

What happened to Norma? To hell with Norma. Tell that idiot to slow that down.

♪ Around the corner ♪

Step on it! It's burnin' my hands!

♪ La, da, da-a-a, ah ♪

♪ La, da, da, da, da ♪

(Gasps, Screams) ♪ La, da, da ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ La, da, da, da, ah ♪

♪ Tired, my dear ♪

♪ Being so near ♪

♪ And yet so far apart ♪

My God. Oh. Oh. Oh.

♪ Have a ♪

♪ Heart ♪♪

♪ It was a lucky April shower ♪

♪ It was a most convenient door ♪

♪ I found a million-dollar baby ♪

♪ In a five-and-ten-cent store ♪

♪ The rain continued for an hour ♪

♪ I hung around for three or four ♪

♪ Around a million-dollar baby ♪

♪ In a five-and-ten-cent store ♪

♪ She was selling china ♪

♪ And when she rolled those eyes ♪

♪ I kept buying china ♪

♪ Until the crowd got wise ♪

♪ Incidentally ♪

♪ If you should run into a shower ♪

♪ Just step inside my cottage door ♪

♪ And meet the million-dollar baby ♪

♪ From the five-and-ten-cent store ♪

What the hell is happening here?

Hey, what's happening? What are you doing?

Schmuck, what are you doin', huh? I'm trying! I'm trying!

I'm doin' my best, sweetheart. (Mutters)

♪ Incidentally ♪

♪ Shower ♪ (Clattering)

(Popping) Ooh! Aah!

(Popping Continues) (Laughs)

♪ From the five-and-ten ♪

♪ Five-and-ten-cent store‒ ♪♪

Oh, God. I tell you. Wait till I get my hands on that little putz.

♪ Fifty million Frenchmen ♪

♪ Can't be wrong ♪

♪ When they go Ooh, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪ On ze bou-le‒ bou-le-vard ♪

♪ Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong ♪

Come on. Move it.

♪♪ (Finale)

Let's hope this one goes better than the last. Mm-hmm.

♪♪ (Whistling) Tonight you're whistling in the dressing room?

(Man) ♪ Have you met my good friend Charley ♪

♪ Oh, you've heard of him no doubt ♪

♪ Well, he's a great big good-time Charley ♪

♪ That the girls all rave about ♪

♪ He's as welcome at a party ♪

♪ As flowers are in spring ♪

♪ Anytime they see him comin' ♪

♪ Everyone begins to‒ ♪ (Gasps) ♪ Sing ♪

♪ Everyone‒ ♪♪ What's goin' on? Damn curtain!

♪♪ (Orchestra Continues)

Keep it goin'. Don't stop.

Is this producer nuts? We need an army to move all this junk.

♪♪ [Orchestra Repeating Measure] (Muttering)

♪♪ [Orchestra Repeating Measure]

Keep going. Keep going. Just keep going. I don't care how long. Just keep going.

Get out of my dressing room, you "you do your job, I'll do mine..."

Whatever crap you gave me. Get out!

If you could sing half as good as you could yell, we'd have a hit.

I'll give ya a hit! Put on your dress.

We had a little technical trouble in the first half. A little technical trouble?

The trouble we got in both acts is we got an amateur producer who is meshugener for buffalo.

Let me‒ Get out of this room, ya little bum. Throw him out.

Throw me out. Get over here. Get out!

Where's Bobby? Get Bobby in here to throw this bum out!

Let me tell you something, lady. Put on your dress.

If you're going to have me thrown out of here, it won't be by your pet poodle.

Lovely, darling. A trifle slow in the beginning perhaps.

Slow? It's 11:00. The buses have stopped running. We've still got an act to go.

But they adore it, darling. They adore it. They love it.

Second act in five minutes.

Get this bum out before I cripple him. Get out!

Billy, I'd like to talk to you about a tiny cut in the first act.

Hear this mouth I gotta listen to? You shouldn't get excited.

Would you look at this place? He drops the shells all over the floor. What a slob.

♪♪ (Drums, Orchestra) ♪♪ (Chorus Vocalizing)

♪♪ (Vocalizing)

♪ What does it matter ♪

(Screaming) Steady!

Don't worry. He's just trying‒

(Screams) Charles!

- Charles! - (Screams)

- ♪ The rain descending ♪ - Come back! It's not safe!

Keep singing! Keep singing!

♪ The happy ending is waiting ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ Take your share of troubles ♪

♪ Face it and don't complain ♪

♪ If you want the rainbow you must have the rain ♪

Hit the rain!

♪ Happiness comes double after a little rain ♪

Hey, boys, come on. Come back. Hey.

♪ If you want the rainbow... ♪♪

(Women Gasping, Laughing)

This is showbiz!

Here. Keep this. Thanks, mister.

♪♪ (Orchestra)

Oh, no, no.

What's that? It's the reviews.

Of what? The first act.

Thank God they couldn't stick around for the second.

Well, there are at least ten people out there.

I am going to lay them in the aisles.

Ow! Oh, my eye! Oh, Fanny!

(Knob Rattling)

(Whispers) Fanny?

Fanny? (Screams)

Shh! Get me the house detective!

Shh, shh. It's me. It's me, Billy. Are you crazy?

It's only a joke. Are you crazy?

It's only a joke, honey. Yeah, it's me, Billy.

I got those tickets for you for the show. We were just rehearsing a scene.

You stupid idiot! Charades. Yeah.

Charades? You crazy? I'll call you later. Right. Good-bye.

You some kind of break-and-enter artist,

as well as trying to stamp out show business single-footed?

I figured you wouldn't let me in, so I borrowed‒ You figured right.

I borrowed a pass key. You stole my pass key and nearly gave me a heart attack!

I gotta talk to ya, how we gotta fix the show. "We"?

Yeah. Mr. Rose.

I have been through burlesque, Ziegfeld, childbirth, divorce, the crash.

That's terrible. Last year I went to see my daughter ride in a pony show.

I went backstage to the stalls. To put it short, I've also been kicked in the ass by a horse.

That's awful. But I have never‒

I have never been through anything like last night.

I know. I know. What?

We got a few weak spots. We can fix it.

Buffalo shit!

Look, uh‒ Get out of my room!

You said what you've been through‒ Childbirth! Was that easy?

It was like pushing a piano through a transom.

We gotta push this one through.

You're gonna push this one, buster. 8:00 A.M., I call my lawyers. Get out!

All right.

All right, all right, all right.

(Gasps)

Goddamn it.

What is the matter with you?

I might as well tell you the whole mess, Fanny. What?

(Sighs)

It wasn't just Bucky's money. I spent that all weeks ago.

I needed some more, so I, uh‒

I had to borrow from the boys, and, uh‒

Well, that's gone too.

(Sighs)

If they don't get it back, they're going to build me into the Westside Highway.

That's the only good news I've heard all night.

I'm not kidding. I'm not either.

I'm into them bad. I mean, they're gonna come for me.

Oh, God. They're gonna come for me. They're gonna come for me.

You borrowed show money with no backup?

Yep. You must be smoky in the head.

Look, you gotta help me. Please.

Look, I know I can fix the show.

Please. Look, I can fix it. Give it to me.

Bucky will come in for more if I match him and if you stay with the show.

I know I can fix it. We take it on the road, and we fix it.

What happened tonight... That was mostly my fault. You were right about everything.

The props, the sets, the costumes‒ Charles.

Charles, everything. But the songs are good.

I'm gonna get some dancers from the Cotton Club to back up Bert.

The sketches‒ They're good. They're swamped by your goddamn production.

Okay, you're right. Teach me. Teach me.

I can learn anything, and I can learn it faster than anybody.

You need a show. You gonna start that again, you little putz?

I didn't mean it. I'm a star. I don't need you.

It was a mistake. Listen. Come on, Fanny.

Where are you gonna get some more dough?

Same place I got it before.

(Scoffs)

Why not? If you're gonna get knocked off, you might as well do it for some good round sum.

Good girl. Come here. Let me take a look at this. Ow!

I'm sorry. What are you, nuts?

Why don't you get some sleep?

What are you doing up? It's 4:00 in the morning.

You must be crazy. I'll tell you that.

Come on. Go to sleep. Please. Give me the key.

Huh? The key.

I'll return it. Give me the key.

Here.

Thanks, huh?

Go to sleep. Yeah, yeah.

It's 4:00. (Sighs) Billy?

Huh?

You think you can get your friends to, uh, take Charles for a ride?

(Laughs)

(Door Closes)

Oy.

(Fanny's Voice) First you gotta dump two-thirds of the set.

For God's sake, simplify the orchestrations.

Let's start with the Spanish number. Cut the moon, the gypsies and the lousy campfire.

Did you ever hear of "in one"? "In one" means a curtain and me.

I come out, and I'm Martha Graham.

♪♪ (Piano: Dissonant)

(Creaking)

You see, Billy, in a tutu, I can be funny.

♪♪ (Finale)

If Little Eva was Jewish, maybe funny.

♪ Time for us to part ♪

♪ I'll be twinkling ♪

♪ So long, honey lamb I'll be keeping you ♪

♪ Right here in my heart ♪

♪ Watch me wrinkling ♪

♪ Think of this as temporary Just a toodle-loo ♪

♪ Toodle-loo to you too ♪♪

♪♪ (Vocalizing)

♪♪ (Vocalizing Continues)

♪♪ (Holding Note)

♪♪ (Vocalizing) (Laughing)

♪ Now he's gone and we're through ♪

Oh, God, was that a note? (Laughing)

It was given to me by my friend Grace Moore on my birthday.

Oy, was she glad to get rid of it.

♪ Through ♪♪ (Laughing)

(Fanny's Voice) I gotta have more in the second act.

I need a new number, kid, not a bit.

♪ What a funny feeling ♪

♪ In my eyes and ears and throat, oy ♪

♪ I can't sleep I can't eat ♪

♪ Get a pail and soak my feet ♪

♪ I got a cold in my nose, oh ♪

♪ I've got a cold in my nose ♪

♪ Went to see the doctor ♪

♪ Asked him what to do ♪

♪ Lordy, help the doctor ♪

♪ He said, I think I got one too ♪

♪ So we laid down side by side ♪

♪ I'm still here but the doctor died ♪

♪ I got a cold in my nose, oh ♪

♪ I've got a cold in my nose ♪♪ (Sneezes)

(Applause)

(Fanny's Voice) Now, what about Bert's number? What about "Clap Hands"?

The number is called "Clap Hands." So where are the hands?

♪♪ (Orchestra)

♪ Have you met my good friend Charley ♪

♪ Oh, you've heard of him no doubt ♪

♪ Well, he's a great big good-time Charley ♪

♪ That the girls all rave about ♪

♪ He's as welcome at a party ♪

♪ As flowers are in spring ♪

♪ Anytime they see him coming everyone begins to sing ♪

♪ Clap hands Here comes Charley ♪

♪ Clap your hands Good-time Charley ♪

♪ Clap hands Here comes Charley now ♪

♪ This way, join the party This way, meet McCarty ♪

♪ Hey, hey Charley, take a bow ♪

♪ See the smiles go all around the table ♪

♪ Grab a chair Move it over there ♪

♪ Let him sit right next to Mabel ♪

♪ I say, clap hands Here comes Charley ♪

♪ Clap hands Good-time Charley ♪

♪ Clap hands Here comes Charley now ♪

♪ You can tell that he's a buyer ♪

♪ Charley pays We all get higher ♪ (Laughing)

♪ Oh, clap hands There's Chuckie ♪

♪ Clap hands Ain't we lucky ♪

♪ Clap hands Here's Charley now ♪

♪ Oh, the customers and waiters know ♪

♪ Here's Charley, let's go ♪

♪ Clap hands 'cause here comes Charley ♪

♪ Now ♪♪

♪♪ (Holding Last Note)

Huh! (Applause)

Huh? Huh? Good.

(Laughs) That's another number that's gonna work.

What do you mean? It's workin' now.

It's almost working. It'll work when you get those goddamn sequins off the gloves.

Hey! Get those goddamn sequins off the gloves!

Yeah, what can I tell you? He's a maniac.

Hey, listen. I didn't invent them. I'm just his press agent.

Hey, Ned. Ned, Ned. You do whatever you want...

Did you get my call to Buffalo? I'm on it.

I'm sorry, madam. This evening's performance is sold out.

Hey, we're sold out tonight? Yeah? Oh, dear.

Ya hear? We're sold out. Have anything for Wednesday?

Next Wednesday? We're sold out. We're sold out.

Hey, we're sold out. (Chuckling)

(Man) All right, let's make this the last one.

We're S.R.O. Tonight!

We're S.R.O. tomorrow night! Hey!

We still have to take a picture here. Finish up.

Here's a picture. Come on. Please.

(Quietly) Stop it. Will you, please? While I'm down here,

I want to drink celery tonic out of your shoe.

Not from this shoe. This is 45 bucks. This is a custom-made shoe.

She won't give me a custom-made shoe. Give me something.

Give me a tooth. Give me a nice tooth. Give me an ear.

Give me something. Give me a tooth. You got a nice tooth?

Give me an earring. Give me your hand.

Stop it. Get off the floor, you nut. You're ruining your pants.

So, hey, it's a new act. Brice and Rose.

We go through life together, S.R.O. All the way.

You wanna stay S.R.O., you gotta do a job on the four-sheets.

You're not getting the best out of the four-sheets. You want something you can see...

on an outhouse wall 200 yards from the highway, going 60 miles an hour on a foggy night.

Yellow and black, no fine print. All that matters is, can they see it?

Can they read it? Can they remember it?

Yellow and black and plain, you got it? Got it.

You're such a slob. Why do you drop your pistachio shells all over the theater?

The theater is a temple of art. I gave you some good advice, kid. I hope you got it.

I got it. When I got you, I got it all. What are you, crazy?

What? Nobody can touch a star? Huh? Stop that!

I don't like being handled.

Is that right? Is that right? That's right.

Stop it!

(Muffled) Stop!

(Laughs) Oh, I am sorry.

I really am. I'm so sorry. Billy, please.

Can I help you brush your coat off?

I just grabbed the first thing‒ Billy?

I just grabbed the first thing that I‒ I grabbed the first thing.

Could I, please‒

(Spits) (Laughing)

(Laughing Continues)

Look. Look.

(Both Laughing)

(Fanny) ♪ When you're down and out ♪

When we get into New York, I don't want posters.

I want billboards, two, three stories high.

I want you to blanket Times Square with 'em. I want full-page ads in the Times.

In the Times. I want plugs from Winchell. I don't mean in his column.

I mean on the radio. I don't think you know what a two-story billboard...

on Times Square is gonna cost. You a banker?

You get it. Let me worry about what it costs. Give me a cigarette.

- We're bringing in a hit. - ♪ Angels in the sky ♪

♪ Promise that by and by ♪

♪ There's gonna be a great ♪

♪ Day ♪

♪ Gabriel ♪

♪ Will warn you ♪

♪ Some early morn ♪

♪ You will hear his ♪

♪ Horn ♪

♪ It's not far away ♪

♪ Lift up your head ♪

♪ And say ♪

♪ There's gonna be ♪

♪ A great day ♪

♪ Great day ♪

♪ When you're ♪

♪ Down and out ♪

♪ Lift up your head and shout ♪

♪ There's gonna be ♪

♪ A great day ♪

♪ Angels in the ♪

♪ Sky ♪

♪ Promise that by and by ♪

♪ We're gonna see ♪

♪ A great day ♪

♪ Gabriel ♪

♪ Will warn you ♪

♪ Some early morn ♪

♪ You will hear his horn ♪

♪ Hear his horn ♪

♪ It's not far away ♪

♪ Lift up your head and say ♪

♪ There's gonna be ♪

♪ A great day ♪

♪ When skies were dark, Lord ♪

♪ Came Noah's ark, Lord ♪

♪ Ahh-men, yes, amen ♪

♪ Ahh-men, yes, amen ♪

♪ He came in January and in February ♪

♪ And March, April May and June July and August ♪

♪ September, October, November De-De-De-December ♪

(Dancers) ♪ De-De-De-December ♪ ♪ It was a great day ♪

♪ It was a great day ♪

♪ Lord helps those who pray ♪

♪ And on Judgment Day ♪

♪ If you believe ♪

♪ He will receive you Ah-ah-ah‒ ♪

♪ Men ♪

♪ Gabriel will warn you ♪

♪ Some early morn you ♪

♪ You will hear his horn ♪

♪ Hear his horn rooty tootin' ♪

♪ It's not far away ♪

♪ Lift up your head and say ♪

♪ There's gonna be a great ♪

♪ We're gonna see a great ♪

♪ There's gonna be ♪

♪♪ (Holds Note)

♪ Be a great day ♪♪

♪♪ (Holds Note)

(Applause Continues)

(Scattered Laughter)

♪♪ (Reprise)

He's out there! He's with some fantastic, 18-year-old beauty, but he's out there!

He's coming back! Get me out of this. He'll be here in two minutes!

Oh, God! I got nothing to wear. I don't want to wear the black thing.

Why don't you use the green‒ I hate it! I hate it! It's disgusting!

Honey, you gotta put something on! (Bobby) Fanny!

What? He's coming.

Is he alone? Yes!

Oh-h! He's ditched her! Quick, unlock the door.

Oh, shi‒ this goddamn makeup!

Jesus! I got a run in my stocking.

Hello, Fanny.

Why, Nick, how good it is to see you.

The whole world changes but you, darling.

Over a year I've been practicing that line:

"Why, Nick, how good it is to see you."

You w-want a drink or something? You want a cigarette?

I'll call Adele. What do you want? What do you want?

I don't want a drink. And I don't want Adele.

Is that for me? (Sniffs)

Don't open it now.

Fanny, I‒ (Chuckles)

When you're a star, everything you do is magic.

You don't have to entertain me, Fanny. It isn't necessary.

I can't tell you how good it is to see you again.

Try.

Fanny... Wait a minute.

I gotta do my number first, okay?

Will you please explain to me why the hell I can't remember one thing I was gonna say?

(Sighs)

I'll remember my lines if I just don't have to look at you.

I'll remember.

Fanny, I want to talk to you seriously.

No, you don't have any lines here. It's my turn.

Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, I love you so much.

Fanny, please, listen.

And I don't blame you for divorcing me.

You got hit by this, I don't know, this steam engine the papers call a Fanny Brice‒

By this made-up person the papers made up.

And I can understand how you really had to dig yourself out.

I really can.

But I want to get off, Nicky.

Oh, Nick. I just want to climb into your back pocket...

and stay there all the time.

Oh, Fanny. Fanny. Just stay there all the time.

You're married.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

When?

Three months ago.

To that girl? That... beautiful girl I saw you sitting next to tonight?

My wife was sitting on my other side.

That old lady?

She's 43.

Forty-three and loaded, right?

I'll always love you very much, Fanny.

(Chattering)

Who's that?

(Woman) We just wanted to see her to congratulate her.

Miss Brice isn't dressed yet.

She all right? She said you should go on to the party without her.

Take it. Go ahead. It's for you.

She's from Philadelphia. Here, Adele. Thanks.

She's got $12 million.

She has an apartment in Paris, a house in Antibes,

and she's got a yacht.

(Fanny) ♪ You're on my mind ♪

So Nick can teach her how to be lonely in all of them.

Opening-night present.

♪ Whether you're right ♪

Oh, my.

♪ Whether you're wrong ♪

He must have spent a whole week's allowance.

Hey, did you see that? Yeah.

(Laughs) It came wrapped around the record.

Yeah, from the company. Boy, it's been a swell opening night.

♪ More than you'll ever ♪

Fanny, I'm sorry.

♪ Loving you the way that I do ♪

I know you are, kid.

Why don't you go along to the party without me? Oh‒

No, I'll be along later. I just want, you know, a few minutes. You too, Adele.

♪ Love may be all you can give ♪

♪ But, honey I can't live ♪

♪ Without it ♪

♪ Oh, how I'd ♪

♪ Cry ♪

♪ Oh, how I'd cry... ♪♪

Why don't you just shut up?

♪♪ (Orchestra)

(Chorus) ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di-oh-di ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di-oh-di ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di Ain't she got fun ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di She's the luckiest one ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Satin on my shoulder and a smile on my lips ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪ ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di ♪

♪ Money in my pocket right at my fingertips ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪ ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di ♪

♪ Every night a party where the fun never ends ♪

♪ You can circle the globe with my circle of friends ♪

♪ Someone I am crazy for is crazy for me ♪

♪ I'm his personal pet ♪

♪ Wow, how lucky can you get ♪

(Chorus) ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di See her diamonds agleam ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di Oh, her life is a dream ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Wrap it up and charge it That's my favorite phrase ♪

♪♪ (Hums) ♪ How lucky can you get ♪

♪ When I see the chauffeur Think I'll give him a raise ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪ ♪♪ (Humming)

♪ Weekends in the country with a baron, of course ♪

♪ And a wardrobe to choke Mrs.‒ ♪ ♪ Astor's pet horse ♪

♪ Making merry music with the one that I love ♪

♪ We're a‒ ♪ ♪ Perfect duet ♪

♪ Gee, how lucky can you‒ ♪ ♪ Whee ♪

♪ How lucky can you— How lucky can you get ♪ ♪ Wow ♪

♪ Can you get ♪ ♪♪ (Record Skipping)

♪ Satin on my shoulder ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪

♪ Money in my pocket ♪

♪ How lucky can you... get ♪

♪ Every night's a party ♪

♪ Where the fun never ends ♪

♪ You can circle the globe ♪

♪ With my circle of friends ♪

♪ Someone I am crazy for is crazy for me ♪

♪ I'm his personal pet ♪

♪ Wow, how lucky can you ♪

♪ Get ♪

♪ Hey there, gorgeous ♪

♪ Big success ♪

♪ What's your secret, gorgeous ♪

♪ Just lucky, I guess ♪

You want to know what it's really like?

Fan-tas-tic.

♪ Satin on my shoulder and a smile on my lips ♪

♪ Money in my pocket right at my fingertips ♪

♪ Wrap it up and charge it that's my favorite phrase ♪

♪ How lucky when I see the chauffeur Think I'll give him a raise ♪

♪ How lucky life's a bed of roses squirting perfume on me ♪

♪ You can spare me the blues I don't sing in that ♪

♪ Key ♪

♪ And if there's a man who'd leave me ♪

♪ I am happy to say ♪

♪ I haven't run into him yet ♪

♪ Gee, whee, wow ♪

♪ How lucky ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪♪

♪♪ (Holding Note)

(Bobby) Oh, look at that. It's worse than ever.

Here. Oh.

Fanny? Fanny, look.

Whoo! Oh, my God. Is that Buck?

No. C.V. Silverstein. Ooh.

C.V. Silverstein from the C.V. Silverstein movie studios?

Uh-huh. You can come visit me in California.

(Yelling) Oh, you look great. Great.

Push off with Bobby, will ya? I want to talk with Fanny... alone for once.

Give me this, will ya? Come on. I want to show you something. Come on.

What? 48th and 10th.

(Pounding)

It's a theater-cabaret. See, I'm going to call it the Casa Mañna.

That's, uh, Mex for "house of tomorrow." They got a lot of Mexicans down there.

What are you gonna play? A fair in Texas?

You already got our show and another in rehearsal. What do you need Texas?

They're gonna pay me a hundred thousand bucks. It's a big deal‒

The Texas centennial.

Tah-dah. Huh? Wow.

It's nice.

Here, look.

Classy, huh?

Too classy. Too classy for what?

What are you gonna put in it? Buffalos?

No. I got some fan dancers.

How you fixed for feathers? You're always on the hustle, Billy.

So, uh, how long you gonna be down there? You and your fan dancers?

Why? What do you care?

I'm used to ya. You're good for laughs.

It's hot in here.

This, uh, this thing‒ It's gotta be a spectacle.

Mm-hmm.

I'm, uh, I'm going to get 50 girls.

They're all going to be five-ten or bigger. Sure.

And, uh, the closing number... I was thinking of all white.

Maybe a wedding routine. Very impressive.

How'd you like to star in the wedding bit?

(Laughs)

I paid retail.

Well, you want the goddamn ring or not?

Speak up because I got a rehearsal across the street.

You're asking me to marry you? Yeah.

I mean, serious. Yeah. And I'm not going to ask you again.

I mean, so right now, yes or no? I mean, right now. Yes or no?

It oughta work out fine.

You saying yeah?

I'm saying yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh‒

I got a little confession to make.

I never borrowed any money from the mob like I told ya in Atlantic City.

You bastard. Making me think they had ya on ice.

Was a‒ Was a very good argument. And you bought it.

Only by now you should know better. And, uh,

I wouldn't want you to think you married dumb.

(Chattering)

Watch the news, darling. Fanny. Fanny.

Oh-ha. Darling, I do adore you.

But you are absolutely mad. Tell me, why him?

I fell in like with him.

Do you have a light?

Here.

Oh, did you see what that man did?

(Man) Well, here's to her third husband, whoever he is.

I've been to the other two weddings.

I beg your pardon. It is rather a crush. My wife, however,

is determined to navigate the length of the room and speak to Miss Brice.

Good luck. Do you know her?

I married her. Oh, yes, of course. You must be Mr.‒

Rose. Billy Rose. Rose.

Well‒ Crude little bastard, isn't he?

Screw him, darling. He's only in on a pass.

(Bell Ringing)

(Man) Have a nice evening, Mr. Brice. Rose.

No action in the club car?

How many times I gotta tell you that I am not a gambler?

How many times I gotta tell ya that?

(Train Crossing Bell Ringing)

Did you do your knees yet? No, I'm coming to them.

I thought you did your knees before you did your heels.

No. I do the heels first. Then I do the knees.

Every night? Every night.

Every night.

You know, by the time you finish that production,

I get all mixed up. Mixed up what?

Oh, mixed up. I don't know what I'm supposed to go for.

I figure maybe‒ Jesus, maybe there's something I don't know about.

Like, uh, maybe I'm supposed to go do something...

to your goddamn knees or heels or something. I don't know.

(Train Whistle Blows)

You put perfume behind your knees?

You never did that before. Yes, I did.

Maybe I'm right. I'm supposed to go for your knees, right?

Will you forget about the knees?

We're gonna arrive in Fort Worth at 7:00 in the morning.

Let's get some sleep. Some sleep.

The heels before the knees. The knees after the heels, before the elbows.

After the knees.

♪♪ (Billy Whistling)

(Train Whistle Blows)

(Toilet Flushing)

Hang up your pants, Billy.

You're gonna get into Fort Worth looking like two bits.

- I'll get 'em pressed. - Why pay a buck to get 'em pressed...

when all you have to do is hang them up?

Did Nick always hang up his pants?

Yes. I'll pay the buck.

Flinging your clothes all over the room makes it look like a dump.

So I never been in a train for three days with goddamn royalty!

Here!

Hey, how come you never go to the can?

When we were in the theater, you used to go to the can.

It's none of your damn business when I go to the can.

How come now we're married, and we're cooped up here for three days,

and you never go to the can?

How do you think I feel being cooped up and having to go to the can all the time?

Listen, kid, you don't like being cooped up with me?

There's an empty compartment down the car‒ Hire it!

You can spend the whole goddamn night in the can!

And I won't have to look at your crummy pajamas anymore, which is okay with me!

What's wrong with my goddamn pajamas? I hate your pajamas!

Ya got terrible pajamas! Well, I hate‒

I hate your lemons!

And I hate‒ I hate your fancy bed junk!

And where‒ where‒

Where‒ tell me where‒ Where do you come off...

reading a goddamn French magazine on our honeymoon?

And I know you can't even read French!

I look at the pictures, creep! I learn what's good and what goes!

I'll tell you one thing that'll never go, and that is your pajamas!

Screw my pajamas. Screw 'em! Screw 'em, and screw you, lady!

And I‒

What? Oh, God.

What's the matter?

You gave me a nosebleed. You gave me a goddamn nosebleed.

(Sighs)

(Groans)

Hold it. Hold it, till I get some ice. Here. Give me‒

Okay, here.

Now if you bleed on my good gown‒

When I stop bleeding, I'm gonna belt you one. You got one coming.

Yeah, sure. You're going‒

Tough guy.

Boy, kid, you are some nut.

Let me see.

(Laughing)

Ahh. Just lie still.

You know the trouble, Fanny?

The trouble is that I love ya.

I love ya.

You could have told me before, you know?

I mean, put your best foot forward now and then just for the hell of it.

(Fanny) ♪ I loved a man ♪

♪ Truly, I did ♪

♪ When he would touch me ♪

♪ I'd act like a love-hungry kid ♪

♪ Isn't this better ♪

♪ Somebody nice Somebody new ♪

♪ Someone who lets me react ♪

♪ As I normally do ♪

♪ Isn't this better ♪

♪ Better ♪

♪ Passion is fine ♪

♪ But passion burns fast ♪

♪ Passion's design ♪

♪ Seems never to last ♪

♪ Better a match ♪

♪ Better a blend ♪

♪ Who needs a lover ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ A friend ♪

♪ Now I am calm ♪

♪ Safe and serene ♪

♪ Heartache and hurt are no longer a part of the scene ♪

♪ Isn't this better ♪

♪ The way it should be ♪

♪ Better for him ♪

♪ And, oh ♪

♪ So much better ♪

♪ For me ♪

(Train Crossing Bell Ringing)

Billy.

Billy. Hmm?

When we get to New York, I'm gonna take you to Sulka's and have pajamas made for ya.

Made for me? Mm-hmm.

They make pajamas for ya?

Sure. Just like shirts.

They make underwear, too, so it fits.

Hold it, lady. You ain't getting me measured for no B.V.D.s.

Pajamas, maybe, but no B.V.D.s. I draw the line.

Okay, okay. No B.V.D.s.

Okay. Go back to sleep.

(Sighs)

♪ Now I am calm ♪

♪ Safe and serene ♪

♪ Heartache and hurt are no longer a part of the scene ♪

♪ Isn't this better ♪

♪ The way it should be ♪

♪ Better for him ♪

♪ Much better for him ♪

♪ And, oh ♪

♪ So much ♪

♪ Better ♪

♪ For me ♪♪

♪♪ (Holding Note)

Billy— Billy— Shirley, will you get me that clipping, please?

Will you let me read it to you first and then blow your stack?

Okay? Okay. Shirley?

"Miracle man of Broadway Billy Rose's beauteous aquabella Eleanor Holm...

"is singing Circe songs to Billy out in Cleveland.

"Are you listening, Billy? And, Fanny, are you listening to Billy listening?

Five years, five hits. Is this your first miss, Billy?"

Burn it.

No, no, no, I can't kill a Winchell item. You know that.

What I can do is prevent anybody else from picking it up and running with it!

That's what I can do! All right! Put it on the chair.

(Forced Laugh) Don't tell me.

You think I don't know how sore she's gonna be when she finds out?

I'm the one close enough for her to grab.

The proof's here. His name should be in another color.

Billy, what can I do? Hey, Ned, did you order a corned beef sandwich?

Yes. Listen, you and Fanny wave hello, good-bye to each other...

every six months‒ from separate trains.

How can I publicize that? What do you want me to do? (Rings)

You want me to stage something on the tracks,

where she flings your pipe and slippers after you as you whiz by?

He'll be with you right away. Ned? (Stammering)

Miss Brice. Hold it, Billy. Fanny's on the other phone.

Tell him about the Hippodrome thing. Okay.

Hello, Fanny. I'm just on the wire to Billy.

He's lonely out there. Ned wants me to tell you the accountant thinks...

you better put a watcher at the Hippodrome. What?

Yes, I've seen the new poster. What about it?

You wanna kill the kid costume?

Okay, Fanny, we get out a flood of releases that you also sing.

Big news, but if that's what you want, you got it. Nothing simpler.

Okay. Hey, you want to talk to Billy? Hold on a minute.

Hey, Billy, listen. Talk to your wife for a minute, will ya?

She's leaving for California tomorrow, and she's worried, all right? Hold on.

Okay, go ahead.

(Billy) What are you worried? You'll knock 'em dead.

(Fanny) I wish you were here. I could use your advice.

I wish you were here. I could use your advice.

What about? Circe songs? Listen, Fanny...

Don't you listen, kid. Put cotton in your ears.

(Laughs) Okay. Billy, Fran sends you her love.

Give her my love. You, too, Fanny. You know what I mean?

Sure, sure, sure. Why don't you hang up and let me talk to Ned?

Bye, Fanny. Good luck. Bye, Billy. Ned?

Yes? Yeah, Fanny. What can I do for you?

Your California train? Oh, yeah.

If it doesn't go through Cleveland, it's gotta go someplace near.

You want me to check that out for you? Sure, just a minute. Hold on.

No, no, honey. It's my pleasure.

♪♪ (Piano) (Chattering)

(Woman) Billy!

Billy!

(Woman) Be careful. Be careful, girls.

(Billy) That's beautiful. What are you gonna do? Fly?

(Woman) No, no. (Woman) Okay, girls.

(Man) Okay, Mr. Rose. Let's go.

It's about time. Will you get all the pe‒

What the‒ I thought you were in California with the radio show.

I thought you were in Cleveland by yourself. Introduce me.

Oh, sure. This is the champ. This is Eleanor Holm.

How do you do, Miss Brice? Why don't you call me Mrs. Rose?

Well, as long as she doesn't call me Mr. Brice.

No, seriously. What are you doing here in Cleveland?

My train passed through, you know. When it stopped, I got off.

I figured I'd check him out. How's it going? (Whistle Blows)

(Man) Places, everybody! Excuse me. Back to work.

Right. Dress.

I mean, it's such a terrific break th-that you showed up here.

We're gonna do a dress. You couldn't have timed it any better.

I really think I got a hit. I just feel it. Yeah?

One hell of a show. I'd like to see what you think. Any advice you could give me‒

I'll give it.

You look‒ I mean, that's terrific. Just terrific.

I mean, I love that suit. You should. It cost you 200 bucks.

Mr. Rose, we need you up there! Um‒

It's all right. Go ahead. Don't worry about me. Yeah?

Terrific. Come here. Sit here.

You'll be all right? I'll see ya in a while. Yeah, fine.

(Man On P.A.) Clowns into the dressing room. Terrific.

Hit the music. ♪♪ (Orchestra)

Stand by. Lights!

Hit the special!

♪♪ (Orchestra Continues)

(Man) Presenting the Billy Rose Aquaville!

♪♪ (Continues)

Give me a little celery tonic.

(Man) Billy Rose's new star, Miss Eleanor Holm.

That's great, Billy. That's terrific!

Yahhh!

Whoo!

Surprise! What are you doing?

Hey, come here. You wanna dance?

♪ Da-da-da ♪

Hey! Yoo-hoo!

(Fanny) Hey!

Wait! No! (Yells)

Ha-haa!

(Fanny) Hi!

Your star trout's got a lot of muscle.

Don't let her get you in the water. Eleanor's a great kid.

(Scoffs) You oughta get to know her.

Maybe we should have her for dinner... amandine.

I just made a joke.

You didn't think it was funny? No, kidding.

You got a great show... with an ace attraction.

Ace.

You shouldn't kid a kidder, Fanny. What?

You performed for me tonight.

I performed for you? What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I know you.

I know how you think.

You figure you want something, the best way to go about gettin' it is be funny.

I've seen you do that before.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You went to a lot of trouble to make me laugh tonight.

You've got a very primitive sense of humor. Know what I mean?

Pratfalls, dropped drawers, drowning bits.

You know, I got a‒ I got a terrific idea.

I mean, I don't know if it would work, but see what you think.

What's on your mind, kid?

Why don't we get married?

(Laughs) We got married.

Well, I mean, uh, really be married. Really married.

Mrs. Rose is the name. Chicken soup is the game. Is that what you want?

What I want is‒

I want you to do more... of what you did tonight.

Brush off a broad if you think she's getting too close.

You remember a... long time ago...

you made me say "I need you"?

Hmm?

Well, that's what I want.

I want you to need me. I mean, really need me.

Need me.

You got some sexy ears, honey.

I think I'll stick diamonds in 'em.

Hmm?

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

Life, Collier's, Esquire‒

Stage‒ what is this? The Saturday Evening Post. More?

Sure. Now, you shouldn't get bored and pick up strange men.

Are there any other kind?

Listen, Billy. Will you call me every night? Reverse the charges if you want.

Don't be a chump. I got a new system for beating the phone company.

First you place a call in the city of your choice‒ All aboard.

I'm a mess, huh?

You're fine. (Train Whistle Blows)

(Man) All aboard. Chicago, Denver and Los Angeles!

I'm gonna get ya a bigger ring. (Laughs)

All right. So long, Billy.

(Man) All aboard!

Billy! Huh?

Don't go near the water.

(Chattering)

(Fanny) Norma, I canceled the Baby Snooks rehearsal to come here?

(Norma) Come on, Fanny.

What is this, a costume party? I get paid for wearing costumes.

Stop "quetching." (Fanny) Kvetching.

Kvetching. Kvetching. You're gonna just love it.

We got seats right next to the field. You're gonna love it.

Heigh-ho, Silverstein, right? (Norma Chuckles) Right.

Oh, Fanny.

(Fanny) So this is Beverly Hills.

You can't catch up with the goyim.

Just when you think you've learned it all‒ grape scissors‒

they come at you with shooting sticks and "hukkas."

Chukkas. Chukkas. Chukkas?

(Applause)

Oh, I wish Billy was here.

Billy loves baloney.

- (Man) Take it. - When Norma promises you'll be excited, you'll be excited.

Do you know Nick? Nick?

Oh, Fanny, you don't think I planned anything, do you?

He just was here, and‒ Norma, thank God you never had to learn to act.

(Exhales Forcefully)

What I want to know is, does he know I'm here?

Well, I'm absolutely certain he'd want to.

I'll see you kids later. I'll send the car back. Enjoy the game.

Oh, come on. Quit while you're ahead. Your finale is great.

Don't try to walk on the water, kid.

Why don't you come on out here? I'll send you a ticket. I'll send you a return ticket.

You want a private car? I'll give my body to Huntington Hartford.

Come on. How about it? What do you say?

No, no. I'm okay.

No. I really am. I just miss you, kid, that's all.

Look, if I get too lonely, I'll send for Fran, right?

Yeah. Sure.

No. Don't be silly. Of course I understand.

I'll talk to you next week, huh? Maybe sooner.

Sure.

Me too.

So long, Billy. I'll see ya.

(Fanny) ♪ I often wonder why you came to me ♪

Goddamn it. ♪ Brought such a flame to me ♪

♪ Then let it die ♪

♪ And if another love should find my heart ♪

♪ It will remind my heart ♪

♪ Of your good-bye ♪

♪ With every new love you'll come back to me ♪

♪ In other eyes ♪

♪ It's you I'll see ♪

♪ If I love again ♪

♪ Though it's someone new ♪

♪ If I love again ♪

♪ It will still be you ♪

♪ In someone else's ♪

♪ Fond embrace ♪

♪ I'll close my eyes ♪

♪ But see your face ♪

♪ If I love again ♪

♪ I'll find other charms ♪

♪ But I'll make-believe ♪

♪ You are in my arms ♪

♪ And though my lips whisper ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ My heart will not be true ♪

♪ I'll be loving you ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ I love ♪

And the thing is, uh, ♪ Again ♪♪

I guess I want to see him, talk to him.

Just do what you want!

How are ya, kid?

I'm not sure. A little nervous, I think.

Me too. (Clears Throat)

Like always. (Sighs)

You ever think about directing movies? You already got the wardrobe.

- You look ravishing, old girl. - You look ravishing too.

What's the matter? You didn't have time to change out of your polo clothes?

Yes, I had plenty of time. I tried to decide what I should wear.

And I looked in the mirror and saw how becoming this outfit was.

So I just took a shower and put on more of the same. I thought I might get by with it.

You picked up a new trick‒ telling the truth.

What are you thinking? (Sighs)

I was just remembering...

when I first went out with you.

I was still living home with Mama.

I used to sleep in the same bed with her,

and once, in the middle of the night,

I woke up kissing her.

And she woke up and said, "This ain't Nick."

That's what I was thinking.

How is your mother?

She sold the saloons. She lives in Lakewood, New Jersey.

She likes Billy.

Ah, yes. Mr. Rose.

How is Mr. Rose?

He keeps busy.

How about you? I mean, when you come down off your horse?

Well, when I come down off my horse, there's the yacht...

and a 13th-century palazzo,

which we're pulling apart stone by stone and rebuilding in Cap d'Antibes.

- The problems of dismantling are just staggering. - But I've always liked...

- dismantling much better than "mantling." - (Chuckles)

- Still the same old Fanny. - You expecting Mrs. Roosevelt?

I was expecting Fanny. Hoping for Fanny.

You know, Fanny, the only trouble we had was money.

That's not a problem now.

No problem for you, or no problem for your wife?

No problem for either of us.

If I walk away, I walk away with a very large stake.

How you fixed for toothbrushes, kid?

Oh, God.

I remember that first time in Baltimore,

when I went up to your hotel room.

And I went into your bathroom.

Jesus. You had seven toothbrushes.

Seven. I guess one for every day in the week.

And you had this big wooden bowl with soap in it.

"By appointment to His Majesty," it says on the bowl.

Phew. Royal soap.

And hanging on the door were these silk pajamas,

red, with a monogram,

real tiny, tiny.

That small.

Class. Phew.

Boy, did I come out of that bathroom with personality. I mean‒

I was all over the place.

Because I fell in love with those toothbrushes.

I still have seven toothbrushes, Fanny.

And all these years...

I've been in love with nothing but a set...

of goddamn toothbrushes.

You have a daughter, you know.

You haven't seen her in six years.

And you don't even think to ask about her. You ask about Mama, Mr. Rose.

But you don't remember to inquire about your own daughter, you son of a bitch.

(Sighs Nervously) How is Fran?

She's great. She keeps your picture next to her bed.

She does? Which one? What do you care? They're all gorgeous.

Nick, the only trouble we had about money is what you thought it could take the place of.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go.

Bobby, say hi to Nick before he goes.

Just ring for your horse.

♪ Well, I'll be damned ♪

♪ No, I won't be damned ♪

♪ 'Cause I have been damned ♪

♪ But I won't be damned anymore ♪

♪ I walked out ♪

♪ He didn't walk out ♪

♪ It was me who walked out ♪

♪ It was me closing the door ♪

♪ Blow the bugle ♪

♪ Sound the cymbal ♪

♪ All my troubles fill a thimble ♪

♪ I'm as happy as it's legal to be ♪

♪ Come on, kids Let's hear it for me ♪

♪ Get the tom-tom ♪

♪ Start the drumming ♪

♪ Cue the chorus keep 'em humming ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm climbing up the limb of that tree ♪

♪ Come on, kids let's hear it for me ♪

♪ For this overwhelming sensation ♪

♪ I could stand a standing ovation ♪

♪ Give my entrance cue to the band ♪

♪ And give the little lady a great big hand ♪

♪ Slide the trombone ♪

♪ Let it swell out ♪

♪ This performance is a sellout And the critics and the public agree ♪

♪ I'm the number-one attraction to see ♪

♪ So applaud it and cheer it ♪

♪ Come on, now Let's hear it ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Standing in the wings ♪

♪ All prepared to start ♪

♪ Usually I'm tense ♪

♪ A pounding in my heart ♪

♪ But now I'm not afraid ♪

♪ Those butterflies are gone ♪

♪ My act is lookin' great I can't wait to go on ♪

♪ On ♪

♪ Grab a ticket Find your row, kid ♪

♪ I am strictly S.R.O., kid ♪

♪ Tell those oogly-boogly feelings I'm free ♪

♪ They've been banished by a royal decree ♪

♪ And your head feels so good when you finally clear it ♪

♪ If I saw a worry I wouldn't go near it ♪

♪ Come on, now ♪

♪ Come on, kid ♪

♪ Let's hear it ♪

♪ Let's hear it for me ♪♪

Oh, yeah!

(Man On Radio) This is WIXY, Cleveland. Here's Shep Fields...

and his ripplin' rhythm with one of your favorites.

♪♪ (Radio: Instrumental)

(Whispering) Billy? (Woman Gasps) Miss Brice!

(Billy) Jesus. Fanny.

So just don't lay there, honey. Swim something.

You always were a fast dresser.

Sloppy, but fast.

Fix your tie.

Can I sit down?

Yeah. Sit.

(Clears Throat)

So.

Alone at last.

That was like a crummy burlesque sketch.

I'm sorry, Fanny. I'm sorry.

You know, I flew all the way to Cleveland in a plane.

I had to get here fast so I could tell you my big news.

What news?

I should've phoned.

What news?

(Sighs)

I wanted to be with you when I told you.

It's all over with Nick.

I mean it. Really over.

Look, Billy. It's okay.

See, I figured what happened is because I called you from L.A.,

and I told you I wanted to see Nick.

And you got sore at me, right? You figured, you know, screw her.

And I don't blame you. I don't blame you. I mean it.

I don't blame you. You're entitled.

So let's negotiate.

I'm willing to forget it if you're willing to forget it.

Fair?

I'm in trouble, right?

You really go for the trout?

I go for her, Fanny.

She got a good shape. What else?

(Sighs) To her, I'm Nick.

Oh. Do you love her?

I don't know.

I suppose so.

She loves me.

Well, that's it then.

If you love her, there's nothing to discuss.

Listen, I'd make a clean exit, but my train doesn't leave for another hour,

and I have to hang around here, so you'd better check out.

See ya in court, kid.

Good luck, Fanny. I‒

Good luck, Billy.

(Train Whistle Blowing)

(Woman As Little Girl) Daddy, I know how we can settle this whole thing right now.

(Man) How? Let's go up and take a sock at 'em.

♪ Mm-mm, Maxwell House coffee ♪

♪ Freshly roasted Maxwell House coffee ♪

♪ Tasty, toasty Maxwell House coffee Good to the last drop ♪♪

(Announcer) Maxwell House has brought you the tenth anniversary...

of the Baby Snooks Show from Hollywood, California.

(Fanny) Hurry, Fred. I got company coming. I gotta get home and change.

(Door Opening)

Hello, Fanny.

Hello, kid.

It's been a long time, huh?

Hmm? It sure has.

(Clears Throat)

So, how do you think I look?

Tah-dah. (Chuckles)

You look, uh‒ you look sensational. You look great.

(Chuckles) Thanks, kid.

Why don't you‒

So, how much did she take you for? Oh. I can afford it.

Besides, the lady had a legitimate beef.

You don't know your lines. What am I supposed to say?

That Eleanor's a bitch, and you've never seen me like this.

(Chuckles) Seen you like what?

Like I am, you jerk-pervert!

Oh! (Chuckles) But I have. I've seen you like that.

I mean, to me, you always were perfect.

- So what'll you drink? - Uh, celery tonic.

Celery tonic. How's—

- How's Fran? - Grown up.

Gorgeous. Married.

Thanks for asking, kid.

You're still good company, Billy. Yeah?

(Exhales)

Well.

I mean, if I was such good company, how come we were never alone?

Never alone? Kid, we were four years married. That's not alone?

♪ Me ♪

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ Strollin' down the avenue ♪

Remember that? Are you kidding? One of your best.

♪ Me and my shadow ♪

♪ Not a soul to tell my troubles to ♪

You know what I was thinkin' about when I wrote that?

♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪ Nick.

Nick? ♪ We climb the stairs ♪

That's right. Nick.

♪ We never knock ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪

Except you,

Nick, Adele, Bobby...

and me.

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ And feelin' ♪♪

Bein' married to you was like bein' married to a parade.

Yeah. Me and my shadow.

You used it in Cleveland.

Oh. Let's not rehash Cleveland.

You still get high on celery tonic?

Oh, I took your advice. I bought that company.

Now I make two cents while I enjoy.

Oh, Billy, I gotta hand it to you.

You got everything you ever went out for.

But tell me something.

You really have as much money as they say?

All it takes to make a lot of money is a lot of money.

The problem is what to do with it. I don't worry about you, kid.

- You're resourceful. - You know, Fanny,

I bought the Ziegfeld Theater.

Really? Yeah. The Ziegfeld. It's mine.

I'm gonna open up with the biggest show ever. I mean, Salvador Dalí to do the sets.

Stokowski in the pit. Music by Rodgers and Hammerstein.

Sketches by Kaufman and Hart. Costumes designed in Paris. I mean, the best of everything.

Real Alencon lace on the chorus girls' drawers.

That sounds great, Billy. Who's gonna be in it?

Well, for openers, you.

Me? I knew you were on the hustle.

Look, you haven't been on a stage in years. (Scoffs)

You're sittin' out here doin' a farkakte radio show season after season.

You're gettin' lazy. You're a Ziegfeld star.

I mean, the star of stars.

Come on. Name your figure. I'll give you whatever you want.

I make a good living, kid. I don't need the money.

Well, maybe not, but you need me.

You? You I've had.

If you gotta get personal it's gonna be a little south of complimentary,

but professionally, I only helped you.

In the work department, I was good for you, a good lift.

Come on. Let's get together again, huh?

You know something? My timing was always off for us.

It's too bad, really. I just...

loused it all up.

Don't get such a swelled head. I mean, you don't get all the credit.

What do you say? "Billy Rose presents Fanny Brice." I don't like the billing.

All right. I'll‒ I'll think it over and I'll call you.

You'll think it over? That's what you're sayin'? "I'll think it over"?

Billy, I haven't done anything without thinking in over ten years.

You wanna know the truth? I was rattled as hell, you comin' here tonight.

I think what I wanted was for you to come in here beggin' me to come back...

so I could have the pleasure of sayin' no.

It's taken me a long time to learn how to say no.

I wanted a chance to practice. That's what you're sayin' to me, no?

To me you're saying no? No. I'm saying I'll think it over and call you.

Think fast. I don't wanna think fast. That's the whole point.

No, the point is I'm at the Beverly Hills till noon, day after tomorrow.

So yes or no, no or yes, yes or no?

So I'll call you before noon day after tomorrow, yes or no, no or yes, yes or no.

(Laughing)

(Both Laughing)

Make it yes. Rose and Brice. Brice and Rose.

Rose and Brice. Whatever.

We could have a terrific time.

Make it yes, huh, Fanny?

(Fanny) ♪ Start the drumming ♪

♪ Sound the cymbals ♪

♪ All my worries ♪

♪ Fill a thimble ♪

I need you.

♪ So come on, kids ♪

♪ Let's hear it for me ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm not afraid ♪

♪ Those butterflies are gone ♪

♪ My act is lookin' great ♪

♪ I can't wait to go on ♪

♪ And on ♪

♪ Grab a ticket Find your row, kid ♪

♪ We'll be strictly S.R.O., kid ♪

♪ And I'm glad to say I'm finally free ♪

♪ Oh, your head feels so good when you finally clear it ♪

♪ If I saw a worry I wouldn't go near it ♪

♪ Come on, now Let's hear it for me ♪♪

Oh, yeah!

(Chorus) ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di-oh-di Ain't she got fun ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di She's the luckiest one ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Satin on my shoulder and a smile on my lips ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪ (Chorus) ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Money in my pocket right at my fingertips ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪ ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Every night a party where the fun never ends ♪

♪ You can circle the globe with my circle of friends ♪

♪ Someone I am crazy for is crazy for me ♪

♪ I'm his personal pet ♪

♪ Wow, how lucky can you get ♪

(Chorus) ♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di See her diamonds agleam ♪

♪ Ba-do-di-oh-di Oh, her life is a dream ♪

(Fanny) ♪ Wrap it up and charge it That's my favorite phrase ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪

♪ When I see the chauffeur Think I'll give him a raise ♪

♪ How lucky can you get ♪

♪ Weekends in the country with a baron, of course ♪

♪ And a wardrobe to choke Mrs. Astor's pet horse ♪

♪ Making merry music with the one that I love ♪

♪ We're a perfect duet ♪

♪ Gee, how lucky can you Whee, how lucky can you ♪

♪ Wow, how lucky can you get ♪♪