Original subtitles

- Tonight on St. elsewhere. - That's very good. You seem to be an old hand at this.

I hear you put in a pacemaker today with your own two hands.

He did not need that pacemaker.

Well, I would think long and hard, young lady,

before I started tossing around such serious accusations.

- You mean you don't know who this guy is? - Harold hubner.

This is a world-class erotic film star.

Sex has never been particularly important to me.

I think what you do is immoral.

Where's the laundry ticket? What laundry ticket?

Thirty-six hours on call, some of us like to go home,

have a nice shower and put on some clean clothes.

Does this mean you're gonna withhold sexual favors from me again tonight, Victor?

You want your shirt? Here's your shirt! Yes.

Don't you dare rip that! Don't you rip that! There it is!

There are only two reasons why a surgeon would

needlessly operate on another human being...

Because he's crazy or he's broke.

Dr. Andrews is a very successful...

And wealthy surgeon.

Why would he do a thing like that?

You're not gonna even bother to find out if what I'm saying is true.

Get out of my hospital.

Dr. McKay to O.R.

Dr. McKay to O.R.

Long day, huh?

Oh, yeah. Long month.

Hear from Nancy Paxton?

Nope.

Well, it takes a while to get settled.

Yeah, I guess.

Mail's a little slow from Cleveland.

So, what'd you do to drive her away this time?

That was a low blow. I'm sorry.

Hang in there. Yeah.

Miss king to admitting. Miss Maggie king to admitting.

Harold hubner? Yes.

I'm Dr. Cavanero. How're you feeling?

Wicked. You're the prettiest doctor I've ever seen.

It says here you have a duodenal ulcer. How long have you had one?

Since I was 15. And you're in for your six-month tune-up?

Hmm. I will be out of here by tomorrow night, correct? I would think so.

Any chance I could get out a little earlier?

I have a rather pressing engagement.

Catching the concorde back home?

The Massachusetts turnpike. I haven't lived in England for 10 years.

Are you married, Mr. Hubner?

Confirmed bachelor. Used to be quite respectable, you know.

Are your parents living? My mother... in England.

Any brothers or sisters? Just me and mum.

Where do you live?

I'm sort of in transit at the moment,

but I will be living in west dorset, Vermont.

And your profession? I deal in rare books.

Mmm. Moby-dick. Whale of a story.

Well, Mr. Hubner, have a good night's sleep.

We'll get you started on the upper 9.I. Series bright and early tomorrow morning.

I await your call with great anticipation.

Good night, Mr. Hubner. Harold, please.

Good night.

Larry! Mark.

Caught your article on cardiomyopathies in this week's journal.

What'd you think? Not bad, not bad.

Well researched, thorough.

Not exactly Hemingway, but, uh... no offense intended...

Gotta get 'em to turn the page, Larry.

A little dry, you think? As a bone.

Strunk and, uh, white, elements of style.

You oughta read that.

I noticed that ehrlich assisted in the open-heart on Monday.

Did he cut the mustard? Very well.

And brummer? Still shaking? Tremors of intention.

No problem. What about Dr. Armstrong?

Who? Wendy Armstrong, the little oriental.

Ah. She seems very capable. I'm glad to hear that.

She has a very good attitude, and... Thank god... she can speak the language.

Too much tennis?

No, I've been shoveling snow off my damn driveway.

That house is getting too much for me.

My house is on the market, if you're interested. I don't think so.

Short driveway.

It's a little too modern for my taste, though my wife is crazy about it.

This is my realtor, in case you change your mind.

Oh, all right, Larry.

I've been watching the way you work, the way you move, and I'm very impressed.

You're efficient, you take direction well and I like the extra starch in the collar.

So I was thinking maybe you would come over to my place sometime,

and we could play Swedish maid and the invalid.

No spanking. Fiscus.

Later, ehrlich. One other thing... any communicable diseases?

Which would you like?

Ehrlich, I am this far away from having an affair with that broodmare.

Where's the laundry ticket?

The woman is from Texas. She's broken in broncos.

I-I can't let myself get too crazy.

Where is the laundry ticket? What laundry ticket?

You forgot to bring it in again, didn't ya?

Temporary as it was intended, you're staying at my place. The laundry.

And this is the third time in two weeks I've asked you to bring it in.

It's the third time also you haven't done it. Laundry. I'm sorry.

Thirty-six hours on call, some of us like to go home,

have a nice shower and put on clean clothes.

Does this mean you're gonna withhold sexual favors from me again tonight, Victor?

That's not funny. One second, man. Hey, Victor.

Listen, three weeks ago you were evicted, out on the street.

And I took you in out of the goodness of my heart. How have you repaid me?

You use me, you exploit me. Okay, okay.

What are you doing? Okay. Here.

Here's a couple of bucks. Go out and get yourself some underwear.

No, this is nothing. You're gonna have to dig a lot deeper than that.

Be specific. I'll be very specific, okay?

We have $20 for food you owe me.

You owe me 13.50 for a long-distance phone call to Toronto.

You owe me 8.98 for my Sidney rub in son record, which you totally trashed,

not to mention the needle.

You owe me 17.50 for a red Paisley tie...

My shirt. You're wearing my ha... my shirt!

Yeah. You mind?

Why should I mind you're wearing my Hawaiian

shirt, my favorite possession in the world?

I found it hanging in the closet. In my closet.

I'm sorry, Victor. I didn't happen to have a clean shirt.

Do you know why you didn't happen to have a clean shirt? Why?

Because you forgot to bring in the laundry! Bring in the laundry!

Bring in the laundry! Bring in the laundry!

Excuse me. I'm looking for a hal beaumont.

Doctor? Patient.

I got a summons to serve. Check with admitting.

I did.

Uh, try nurse Rosenthal right there.

How's it going, fiscus? Roommates.

I've been with ehrlich three weeks. I'm thinking of getting an annulment.

It's like living with Felix unger.

How was the, uh, lecture at b.U.?

Got postponed until Friday.

Not only was I looking forward to looking at

nubile ready-to-please female med students,

but I was actually fully prepared for it.

Oh, that's too bad. Who's Felix unger?

Yeah?

Do you have a minute? Sure. Fine. What's up?

Mr. Bricker, this is Dr. Westphall. Mr. Bricker.

Mr. Bricker is here to serve a summons. To whom?

Hal beaumont, also known as the count,

also known as the count Luis obispo.

What's he wanted for? Breach of contract.

He's a movie star. I never heard of him.

Blue movies.

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, Mr. Bricker, what makes you think he's here?

He's got an ulcer.

My sources say he checked himself in here yesterday.

There is nobody here under the name of beaumont or the count.

Yeah? Well, 25 years in this business tells me he's here,

and I'm not getting the kind of cooperation

we, the people, expect from an institution.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

- What would you like me to do? - Find him.

Or let me find him. Believe me, I will.

Room by room.

Well, I suppose if...

If you don't bother any of the other patients or the staff, it'll be all right.

How many floors you got in this place? Six.

Twenty-to-one the elevator don't work.

Very good. Keep probing around for that vein. That's it.

Look around. Try to your left, down just a little.

There it is. Good. Good.

All right. That's nice.

Yeah. All right.

Pacer wire.

Catheter guide.

Fluoroscopy on.

The wire appears to be in the right ventricle.

Not bad, Dr. Armstrong.

Pacemaker now.

Two-oh nylon tie.

Pacemaker monitor.

Check the voltage and amps for 72 beats per minute.

That's right. The beat has a regular r-wave spike.

Good capture.

Pickups and Metz.

Retractor to Dr. Andrews.

Make the sub-q pouch just large enough to house the pacemaker.

Dr. Andrews, did you speak at the cardiologists' convention this week?

No, I had to cancel.

My wife and I had some people coming up to take photographs of our house.

That's very good, Dr. Armstrong. You seem to be an old hand at this.

What are the photographs for? Architectural digest.

They want to do a piece on our house.

Oh. You live in Ipswich, don't you, Dr. Andrews? Yes.

You should see the house. It's a beauty!

Yes, we like it very much, though the fact is we've put it on the market.

We have our eye on something else.

Irrigation.

Perfect fit. Skin suture.

I was a barrister in London... you know, a lawyer.

I know. This is just a follow-up X-ray. It won't take but a minute.

Needed a change of venue, so to speak, so I

packed my bag and hopped a flight to america.

Just like that? Actually, I thought about it for a while.

Read all your yankee authors... Hawthorne, melville, Emerson.

America sounded to me like a new beginning, a breath of fresh air.

Did you have a job lined up here? Nope.

I brought a suitcase of my father's rare

books as well as a love of great literature.

Annie? Hi, Ben.

You, uh, have a minute? Sure.

Hi. Hello!

All set? All set.

Okay, Harold. Picture. I'll be right back. Okay.

Uh, listen, I have a couple of tickets for the Boston pops for this evening.

You interested? Sure! How'd you get them?

Uh, Nancy ordered them about six weeks ago.

It's not really my kind of music, you know?

Well, thanks a lot, Ben. Sure. Anytime.

Listen, uh, what's with the count? Who?

Count Luis obispo.

You mean you don't know who this guy is? Harold hubner.

This is a world-class erotic film star. Harold?

This is practically the Laurence Olivier of blue movies.

The count of monte crisco, uh, Byron on the Heath,

uh, theodora and justinian.

These classics don't mean anything to you? No.

Well, I guess you're not into film.

That is one talented man.

Something the matter?

Are you the count of monte Cristo?

Oh. Are you?

Count Luis obispo. I'm afraid so.

You're a porno movie star?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Why are you registered as Harold hubner?

I don't want certain persons to know I'm here.

You see, I've been under contract to hyacinth pictures...

To make five films, of which I've made three.

But I want to get out of the motion picture business.

Hyacinth pictures has been attempting to serve me a summons...

To fulfill the remainder of my contract.

Then all this talk about rare books and dorset, Vermont, is a lie.

No.

I have an extraordinary collection of rare books,

and I reconverted a barn in west dorset.

Once I've disappeared across the border,

Mr. Bricker will be unable to serve me the summons.

His jurisdiction only applies to the commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Mr. Bricker? The man who's...

Serving the summons. Short, disheveled character.

You won't let on, will you?

I am not a fan of porno movies,

Mr. Whatever your name is,

and I don't particularly like being lied to.

An orderly will be in to take you to your room.

The only reason I let that idiot move in is he got thrown out of his apartment.

But it's like having a pet, a barnyard animal...

A pig, a cow.

No offense intended.

Hey, Wendy. How's your ankle? Getting better.

I hear you put in a pacemaker today with your own two hands. How'd it feel?

Okay. "Okay"? Just okay?

No rush, no thrill? What's the matter? You're not into ecstasy?

Oh, it's not that. It's the patient, Mr. Standar.

His arrhythmia on the E.K.G. monitor wasn't significantly abnormal.

Well, maybe his heart was on good behavior today.

Maybe. But I gotta tell you something, Victor.

I don't think he needed that pacemaker.

I saw a picture of you in the globe with that crowd of yours.

What crowd? Oh, you know... The cobbs, the wheelers.

Real fast company.

I didn't know you read the society page, Mark. I don't.

My wife read it to me over breakfast.

I mean, the guest list sounded like a who's who in Boston. Real blue bloods.

What was the occasion? Fund-raiser for the Boston youth society.

My wife is always on me to get with it with the social crowd. You know, I...

I'm curious, Larry.

What did it cost you for a seat at that table?

2,500 a plate.

Well, it was for a very good cause.

Well, that's debatable.

I'm serious. We've got the complete collection of jan and Dean albums.

What's this use of the royal "we"?

Excuse me. Victor has the complete collection.

Yes, Victor also had the entire beach boy

collection till he trashed one of the albums.

What happened to your hand?

I got a cat over the weekend. Oh? What's his name?

I haven't decided yet.

Dear Abby says that what you name your cat says a lot about you.

Well, if dear Abby says so...

I had a psych professor who once said if

you call your cat by an everyday human name,

like Peter, Ralph or Alice, you're

obviously seeking an emotional relationship.

Watch the shirt, fiscus.

Whereas an impersonal name like Toronto, Fresno or houseboat...

Suggests a person afraid of emotional attachment.

Watch the shirt, fiscus! Relax, Victor.

There are, in fact, three names a cat must have.

Why three? Well, first there is his everyday name.

But then he must have a special name...

To go with the very special way that a cat has.

Like?

Well, like, uh, minnaloushe...

Or balthersleite or, uh, jellyrumpole.

Bet those are really high on your list.

But then there is the third name.

Well?

Well, it is the most important name.

It is a name that you must find.

Well, it is the name that the cat himself knows.

Excuse me. Know where the men's room is? Yeah. Around the corner.

Oh, Dr. Cavanero.

The staff on 4-w was wondering if you could do us a favor. Shoot.

We were wondering if you could get us an autographed picture of the count.

How did you know he was in the hospital?

Um, morgen heard it from caruso,

who recognized him from his movie, the battle of Malden.

And we were thinking that since you're his doctor, you could get us one.

I don't think he has any photographs with him.

We didn't think that he would.

Then how do you expect me to get one for you?

It's not wide-angle, but a profile shot'll do.

Dr. Cavanero.

Yes?

Dr. Cavanero, this is Mr. Bricker.

I hear you have a patient here with an ulcer.

That's correct. Yeah, well, I've got a summons for him.

Really? That's right.

What for? Breach of contract.

What did he do, stiff the retirement home for last month's rent?

Is he an old guy? Depends on what you call old.

Is 80 old? God's sake!

I need some help over here.

Thank you. Okay. I'll wait.

We just found out. I guess I'm eight weeks. Really?

We're real excited. That's good.

Say hi to Nina for me.

St. eligius emergency.

Never thought I'd see you working the room.

She's pregnant. That's sick, Morrison. Very, very sick.

Your wife must be getting close. When's she due?

Uh, first week in may.

Fiscus! oh.

Oh, hello, Dr. Mauri.

Where were you this morning?

I don't know. Where was I supposed to be? Over at b.U., fiscus.

The lecture. That's not until Friday.

Didn't you get my message? No.

I told your roommate that we were on for this morning. I didn't...

There were 40 people there this morning, fiscus.

You made me look like a fool. It wasn't intentional. It was a mistake.

It's always a mistake with you, isn't it?

There are a lot of residents around here that could have done this lecture,

but you seemed most qualified.

You made me look like a fool, fiscus, and I'm not gonna forget this.

How are you feeling? Fine. And you?

Mr. Bricker asked me about you.

Don't worry. I lied for you.

Thank you. I have to check your gastric juice.

I'd like to get you out of here as soon as possible.

Your X-ray study showed no active ulcer.

Why did you lie for me?

I don't know. I just did.

Can I ask you a question? Anything.

You seem like an intelligent, decent human being.

What makes you do porno movies?

We prefer to call them "erotic films," but to answer your question,

I was down to my last dollar and sitting in a restaurant eating...

When a man approached me and asked me if I'd like to be in a movie.

He needed someone with an English accent. Adds a touch of class, you know.

It's the truth. They quickly discovered that I had a...

How shall I say it? Talent.

There are a lot of people broke out there, but they don't degrade themselves.

Most of my movies are quite funny really.

Victorian romances, historical melodramas, sweeping adventures...

That sort of thing. With nudity and sexual intercourse.

Yes. How do you do it? Emotionally, I mean.

Sex has never been particularly important to me.

I've always found a great book far more demanding and satisfying, emotionally.

I suppose my difficulty, or lack of it,

reflects a deep-rooted psychological problem, but I've always been this way.

I think what you do is immoral. Yes, I know you do.

You ever seen one of my pictures? No.

They're really very funny, you know.

Personally, I can't understand why people find them titillating.

I suppose that reflects a lacking on their part, wouldn't you say?

I'm really very highly respected in the

Philippines, north Africa and the middle east.

Albuquerque too.

Albuquerque, new Mexico?

Hmm. I was voted, uh, star of the year...

At the Albuquerque erotic film festival.

I didn't know they had one. Neither did I.

Why do they call you the count obispo?

My first producer was from San Luis obispo in California.

The "count" was added for effect.

I play a Mexican-castilian indo-European German aristocrat.

Sort of touching all bases. But it's always the same character.

"Torn between lust and duty."

The count manages both quite well.

I've rescued Joan of arc from the flames,

Marie antoinette from the guillotine, Helen from Troy.

I've stormed the bastille, Khartoum, tower of London.

But the count has rescued his last fair maiden.

He wants to retire with his books to Vermont.

Not a very dramatic ending, is it?

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Harold,

but you don't seem like a very romantic person to me.

You know, that's what I've always thought.

Let's see if you have any upper-gastric tenderness.

This is where we knock you into shape, bill.

You know what it's gonna take to get that beef of yours back into shape again?

What? I'm gonna run you ragged.

Because, you see, bill, you're the guy...

That never learned the word "enough," did you?

Well, uh, I do have a hard time saying "no" to chocolate.

Who are you trying to kid? It's not just chocolate.

It's ice cream and beer and anything else you can stuff into your face, true?

True. Well, now, we're gonna pay for it.

Uh, excuse me, dr, Craig. What is it, Armstrong?

May I speak with you for a moment?

3:00 sharp, bill.

Well? I'd like to talk to you about Dr. Andrews.

Okay. I've been assisting him for the past few weeks.

I'm aware of that.

And, well... what?

I think he's inserting pacemakers into people who don't need them.

Why the hell would you think a thing like that?

Because the conditions of half the patients didn't warrant it.

In the last four weeks Dr. Andrews has inserted 28 pacemakers,

and I've looked at the case histories of 14 of those patients.

Just this morning we operated on an Alfred standar, 52 years old,

with no history of heart disease prior to a minor infarction.

I saw his E.K.G. tracing, Dr. Craig.

He did not need that pacemaker.

You didn't think it was necessary.

How long have you been a heart surgeon, Armstrong?

Dr. Craig, I'm not trying to... how long?

I'm not a heart surgeon. What are you?

I'm a resident, a first-year resident.

I would think long and hard, young lady,

before I started tossing around such serious accusations.

Now, get out of here.

Ballroom dancing? Sure. It's a lot of fun. Tango, samba, rumba.

I'm not a very good dancer. I wasn't either.

You start out slow. Get down here. One, two, three now.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.

There you are, you pink swine! Beat it, Lucille!

What the hell's the matter with you? What's the matter with me?

You didn't happen to get a message from Dr. Mauri for me, did you?

Mauri? Something about a lecture?

Oh, yeah! Mauri. I'm sorry. I forgot.

I was supposed to do a lecture for 40 medical students at b.U. This morning,

and you forgot, you're sorry.

This is not a laundry ticket, Victor. This is my career!

What's the big deal? It's only a lecture. To you it's only a lecture!

To me it's an opportunity to get in with Dr. Mauri!

You think I'm gonna be high on her list for an E.R. fellowship now?

Then you should have made sure you talked to her yourself.

I was counting on you! Hey, I'm not your errand boy, fiscus.

I'm not your answering machine.

You are thoughtless, inconsiderate! You are selfish!

Hold on, you sniveling little water rat.

Don't you dare talk to me about selfish! You want to know what selfish is?

How about I cook a chicken so I have

something to eat when I get off at 4:00 A.M.

I open the refrigerator... You didn't even leave me a wing!

You are petty, petty! Petty?

I'll talk to you about petty. And you're the

most thoughtless person on the whole planet!

You borrow my sister's car to visit one of your bimbos in north and over.

Fourteen degrees out, I go out there, you didn't even leave me a drop of gas.

You got a gas can in the car, a gas station three blocks away. What is the big deal?

What's the big deal? I'm not talking about an emergency room fellowship.

But I am talking about something that's important to me.

I'm not talking about my career, but I'm talking about my comfort in my home!

Out of the kindness of my heart, I take you in

when I should have thrown you out in the street!

What do you do? Where's your gratitude?

You eat all my food, you soil my sheets,

you even have the total gall to wear my shirt...

'Cause you're too lazy to pick up the laundry!

You want your shirt? You want your shirt? Yes.

Here's your shirt. Don't you dare rip that. Don't you rip that!

"Don't you rip it"? There it is!

Oh, that's great! That's just great!

Dr. Tyler to maternity.

Dr. Ann Tyler to maternity.

Honey, what's wrong?

Hey, count!

Any luck, Mr. Bricker?

To start you off on your attempt to win one million dollars,

you can choose a $1,000, $2,000 or a $3,000 question.

Oh! I'm gonna go for the big one... 3,000.

All right. For $3,000, name the five largest...

This four? What?

The floor. Is this one four?

Uh, yeah.

There's mink crawling all over this place.

You a doctor? Yup.

You guys must have mink comin' out your ears.

Hey, you know a guy, hal beaumont?

The count. Yeah!

Is he here?

Dr. Craig. Dr. Mark Craig to I.C.U.

Oh, good. Annie, uh, I think you better get upstairs.

What's the matter? Bricker.

Excuse me. What are you up to?

Don't ask any questions, Harold. Just get into bed and lie down on your stomach.

Proust? What is this, your next film, count?

Actually, I'm retiring from film. What?

Well, it's not really my... shut up, close your eyes and don't move.

I really wish you... bricker!

Proust. This is the guy that put rip Van winkle to sleep.

Hey. Okay if I look around? Certainly.

Sure. Took the stairs, huh?

Yeah. Nice mink.

I think his schistasomiasis is dormant.

What? His schistasomiasis is low.

Oh, schistasomiasis. Yeah. Well, I think, in that case, we should do a cystoscopy.

You think? Sure. Why not?

Huh. Who's that guy?

Proust. Uh, Ronald proust.

- Let's see his face. - No!

Uh, listen, Annie.

If Mr. Bricker wants to take a look at Mr. Proust's face, we should let him.

After all, it's his job.

However, I should warn you you do so at your own risk.

What are you talkin'? See, Mr. Proust has icteric conjunctivitis.

Yeah? Infectious, yeah.

Turns your eyes yellow permanently.

You're lookin' at him. We had our shots.

But there's only a 50-50 chance of your contracting it.

Go on. Have a quick peek.

Can I get it just bein' in the same room with him?

Ooh. Listen, I never thought of that.

Annie, what do you... I don't...

I'd check with my physician, if I were you.

You think? I would.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Right.

Thanks.

Count, now, what is this nonsense...

About you quitting the movies, huh?

Keep your head up! Control your breathing and hang on to the rail.

Come on, bill! You're beginning to drag. Pick up those knees.

One-two, one-two, one-two!

I'm dying. You're not dying, bill. You're pathetic.

Barges of fat clogging your arteries.

Next time you'll think twice before rolling yourself over to the dinner table.

How far have I gone? How far? You're not even out of the starting blocks.

Come on! Keep up that pace! Or I'll do it for you!

No, no. Please. Look here. Come here a second.

You see this, bill?

You are a bucket of fried chicken away from joining this club.

Thanks a lot. Now, keep it up, bill.

Will they ever learn? I don't hold out too much hope.

This one's been out of post-op just six months. He's smoking again.

Larry, as the chief of surgery around here,

I'd feel it less than responsible if I didn't ask you this.

Yeah?

I don't want you to think that I'm in any way impugning your integrity.

What is it?

I've been told you've unnecessarily inserted pacemakers...

In your cardiac patients.

Who said that?

I'm sorry, Larry. I can't tell you that.

Well, what the hell do you expect me to say then? Please, Larry...

I have been affiliated with this hospital for five years,

and you, Mark, should know as well as anyone...

It's not for lack of offers from other institutions, including Boston general.

I've stayed here because of my affection for this institution...

And what I believed was a deep rapport with my colleagues.

Are you sure that Mr. Standar's arrhythmia...

Was severe enough to warrant a pacemaker?

Of course I'm sure. What do you think?

I don't know. I'm not familiar with the man's condition.

Well, Mark, you're more than welcome to examine the files.

Then it's not true. Of course it's not true.

Consider the matter closed.

A guy comes into E.R. with a knapsack on his back, right?

Says he's got 300 placentas he wants to sell. Placentas? From where?

Uruguay. Uruguay?

Uruguay. "Urugwie." Excuse us a moment, please.

See you later.

Did you complain to Dr. Craig about my surgical practices?

Yes, Dr. Andrews, I did.

For what reason?

I don't feel that many of the insertions were indicated.

Could you be a little more specific perhaps?

I studied the case histories of Mr. Cunningham and Mr. Timberland,

neither of whom had ever been put on any cardiac medication.

And when I worked on Mr. Standar's heart this morning...

His heart was not in bad shape,

even though he had suffered a myocardial infarction two years ago.

You're wrong, Dr. Armstrong,

but what I find even more offensive than your arrogance...

Is the lack of character and backbone you showed...

By trying to get at me through Dr. Craig, rather than confronting me yourself.

I did what I thought was right.

What you did was slanderous,

but, more importantly, void of any thought.

There are only two reasons why a surgeon would needlessly operate...

On another human being... Because he's crazy or he's broke.

Well, I'm neither.

I don't consider myself a vindictive person, Dr. Armstrong,

but if I were, you'd be spending the rest of your residency...

Working for the public health system.

I didn't say that, Ellen.

That's not what we talked about!

I refuse to live in a split-level house.

They're ugly.

Might as well move into a tract house or one of those cracker-box condos.

Yeah?

Dr. Craig? What is it, Armstrong?

No. Tudor... tudor is acceptable to me.

Yes. What's the acreage?

What do you got there?

Dr. Andrews spoke with me this afternoon. Oh, he did, did he?

No, no, that sounds very skimpy to me.

All right, all right. Whatever.

I told you, sweetheart, the car will not be ready until tomorrow.

I'll see you in 20 minutes. Thank you. Bye.

So?

I took the Liberty of looking up his records. That matter was closed.

Please, Dr. Craig.

Now, I know I cannot prove that what Dr. Andrews is doing is illegal,

but there are certain discrepancies, irregularities.

Like what?

There have been markups on medicare patients who've undergone the procedure.

Dr. Armstrong, the pacemaker insertion...

Costs between $2,000 and $5,000.

Now, the difference in the cost has nothing to do...

With the patient's income, but rather the complexity of the surgery.

Yes, I realize that I'm dealing in gray areas.

Next irregularity.

Several inappropriate disease entities have been used to justify insertions.

What entities?

Several patients with second-degree heart block have been given insertions.

I'm aware of the argument that insertions aren't always effective...

With all second-degree heart blocks,

but at this point, the evidence is inconclusive.

Now, is there anything else?

All of the pacemakers that Dr. Andrews has used...

Are from the same company, crest line.

Crestline makes an excellent, high-quality product.

There's nothing unusual with that.

Not unless Dr. Andrews is getting kickbacks.

I have seen these manufacturers and their high-pressure salesmen...

"Creating a dialogue"... hammering their customers with stock options,

payments for medical evaluations, vacation trips, gifts.

Dr. Andrews...

Is a very successful and wealthy surgeon.

Now, why would he do a thing like that? I don't know.

You don't know? Well, let me tell you something, Dr. Armstrong.

Your evidence doesn't exist.

Now, you've succeeded in alienating a very powerful...

And respected member of this hospital!

And now you've got your own head on the block.

Now, you want my advice, you'll apologize to Dr. Andrews...

And do your best to make peace with the man.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got work to do.

Dr. Craig, with all due respect,

I am a resident, and Dr. Andrews is an accomplished surgeon,

and because of that, you're not even gonna

bother to find out if what I'm saying is true.

And I think that stinks.

Yeah, listen, I wanted to talk to you about my vacation.

Yeah. Okay. Well, listen. Could you come by?

I'd love to talk about all those things you're

gonna have to take care of while I'm gone.

Great. Thanks a lot, Kathleen. Bye-bye.

Uh, Mrs. Hulicki in 117... who ordered bicarbonate of soda?

I don't know. Well, let's see. Who admitted her?

Dr. Fiscus. Aha! Dr. Fiscus.

Would you please ask Dr. Fiscus...

If he ordered bicarbonate of soda for Mrs. Hulicki?

Are you paralyzed? Do it, please.

Dr. Fiscus, Dr. Ehrlich would like to know...

If you ordered bicarbonate of soda for Mrs. Hulicki.

Tell him, yeah.

Yeah. Good. Ask him why.

Dr. Ehrlich would like to know why you...

And so would I. Why what?

Why the two of you are behaving like my 10-year-old.

He started it. Then you finish it.

Dr. Jackson, 2-8-4-0.

Dr. Henry Jackson, 2-8-4-0.

I'm sorry, Victor. I don't believe you.

I'm sorry about the laundry. I'm sorry about eating your chicken.

No, no, no, no. I don't believe it.

I'm sorry about soiling the sheets. What more can I say?

How 'bout my shirt? And most of all, I'm sorry about destroying your shirt.

I'm gonna replace it.

I'm gonna call Manny tusupins in la ha in a and have them send you another one.

Good. But we gotta end this cold war.

I will amend my ways. I will be a better roommate.

I will not be thoughtless or selfish or inconsiderate.

On my mother's honor.

This I swear to you. What do you say?

We'll see.

Can we go, Mark? I'm double-parked.

Why didn't you park in my space? Somebody's in it.

Who? I don't know who.

What was the make of the car?

I haven't the slightest idea. Can we go?

Well, next time get the license number.

Well, you can forget the tudor in Wellesley.

Why's that? No backyard, no trees.

By the way, the tuthills have invited us for Sunday brunch.

Stonewall it.

I saw a house in Newton, right next to Boston college.

The noise was terrible.

Then I saw Larry Andrews's house again, and it's a dream.

How much? 350.

That's not a dream. That's a nightmare.

Mark, it's beautiful.

Four bedrooms, two baths, mm-hmm.

Three acres, tennis court, guest house, swimming pool.

It's too modern.

Every time I see something I like, you shoot it down.

I mean, it just looks so, uh, new.

That's just the way it's been decorated.

It's a north and south tennis court.

And the swimming pool is enormous!

Really, Mark, you would love it.

I talked to the broker about it, and he

said it's supposed to look like a pacemaker.

A pacemaker?

Yeah. That's what he said.

Go home. I just fought rush-hour traffic to get here.

Go home.

Hi. Hello there.

Your 9.I. Tract is intact.

You have no active ulcer at the present. Pity I'm retiring.

Otherwise I could incorporate this experience in my next film. Really?

Although the count is used to rescuing the damsel,

rather than the damsel rescuing the count.

You were splendid. Thank you.

And please thank your friend. Ben Samuels.

Awfully accommodating fellow.

Listen, uh, if ever you're in west dorset...

We can catch a movie?

Not by a long shot. It's too beautiful up there to sit in a dark room.

I've got a lovely old barn by a stream.

Down the road there's a covered bridge 150 years old...

And a stone wall that rises and falls with the roll of the land.

I'm gonna plant an English garden and read my books...

And always think of your courage and kindness.

Oh, how you do go on, count obispo.

I guess the only thing standing between you and dorset is Mr. Bricker.

Oh. Is he still around?

Don't worry.

I think we can get the count out of here all right.

Come in.

Larry. Thanks for dropping by. Please.

I wanted to talk to you about Wendy Armstrong.

Oh, that's kind of a sore spot with me today, Mark.

I can understand that. I was very angry with her myself.

The thought of a resident accusing one of my top surgeons...

Well, I found that very irritating.

Is that clean? Mm-hmm.

So I chalked the whole thing up to her inexperience and naïveté.

I mean, I didn't find anything unusual...

With your using crest line pacemakers exclusively.

I mean, they make a great product, right?

So I can't honestly say that I found anything criminal...

In these files.

You're a classy guy, Larry.

You got a great mind, a lot of style,

not to mention a beautiful home and a beautiful new swimming pool.

Too bad you didn't pay for it.

That's nonsense.

You're a crook, Larry.

Armstrong knows it, you know it, and now I know it.

Mark, what are you talking about?

You know, when Ellen and I bought our first house,

I had a call from the I.R.S...

About some discrepancies they found in my return.

I was 35, just beginning to make a few bucks.

Oh, boy, they spooked me.

I told them everything they wanted to know and more.

The only thing is, I wasn't talking to the I.R.S.

I was talking to a pediatrician by the name of Henry Winston,

who loved to play practical jokes.

That's very amusing, Mark.

Well, it wasn't at the time, but I learned a lesson.

If you act with authority, people will tell you anything.

So you know what I did?

I just played that same dirty trick on you.

Mr. Josephson of wegner pool company was very cooperative.

Your pool was paid for by crest line,

the same corporation that makes the pacemakers that you use exclusively.

That's right.

Well, that may not be a felony, Larry,

but at the very least it's a conflict of interest,

and I know it's more than that.

It's a bribe, Larry.

So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go after you with everything I've got.

It may take a day... Or a month or a year,

but I'm gonna get you.

Unless you save me the trouble.

And?

Get out of my hospital.

I've never been one to stay where I'm not wanted.

I don't expect you to understand this, Mark,

but it takes a lot of money for me to keep up appearances.

It wasn't criminal.

Those procedures were indicated.

Get out, and be sure to close the door behind you.

Armstrong.

Security to admitting. Security to admitting.

There are a lot of temptations out there for a surgeon, Armstrong.

If ever I catch you even nibbling at one of them,

I'll put you on a slow boat to China,

the same one I just put Dr. Andrews on.

Mr. Bricker.

How do they look?

Well, could be the light. Ya think?

Could be.

Not bad, cavanero. Thanks.

I've got an extra ticket to the pops tonight.

You're on.