Original subtitles

Grandma!

Grandma!

Who is it?

It's me, your grandson, Recep İvedik.

Password?

Password is

the crops come up to my thigh, which is a little unfortunate for me,

since I'd like to show you something between my groin and knee.

That's last year's password!

All right. But it's still something to do with crops, right?

Yes.

Before the wheat begins to bud, the blind...

-Calf! -...the blind calf does not limp!

A blind calf does not limp before the wheat begins to bud.

All right, let me in!

Fucking Adriano, Make the pass! Pissing me off again!

Grandma, instead of playing with Inter,

better if you chose Manchester because they have Rooney.

You're sitting on my precious chest!

Get your fat ass off it now!

Get up!

Look, I've brought you the game you wanted and some flowers.

Come on, why do you treat me like this?

Why do you always buy me a bunch of daisies?

Can't you buy a bonsai tree or a golden coltsfoot?

And where am I supposed to find a bonsai or a coltsfoot, grandma?

You picked these up from the cemetery.

What? You're breaking my heart!

-Get up from there! -Take your flowers!

Get up. Sit there in front of me.

You must never sit on this chest.

This chest is what I hold most precious.

God damn it, I don't see what's so precious about it!

You'll see what's in it when I'm dead, and not before.

You won't even walk around it.

I forbid you, that's it.

I'll die without seeing it. God, you're such an animal!

-I wonder which farm you come from. -That's too far.

And no one has any idea what job you do.

You act like the rascal of the neighborhood.

You beat everyone up. Everyone complains about you!

I feel upset.

I follow a philosophy when it comes to these matters. Like I always say,

before the wheat begins to bud the calf does not limp.

I keep repeating it, so that I can get it into your fat head.

Think about it when you're doing something important.

This man! Do you know who that is?

That's your grandfather, a wrestler, a man well-built like a bear.

At the time of Sultan Hamit in the 1300s, he founded an advertising agency.

And do you know who runs this agency now?

Hakan, your cousin.

Hakan the brat?

Yes, Hakan the brat. Why don't you be more like him?

Grandma, I'm going to be honest.

Hakan the wanker, who can't get it up? I want nothing to do with him.

I'll never take a share from that impotent bastard.

I wish I could finally see you become a man.

If I just could see a nice girl at your side.

When will I see it? I'm really old and about to die.

Are you gay or a faggot?

Listen, Grandma. You're going too far.

If you were not my grandmother I would already have broken your bones.

You're a bad guy, get lost.

Do you even know why I called you here?

Why would you call me? I'm here now, aren't I?

I bought you the game you wanted. The flowers you wanted.

It's not as though I came with nothing. And all you do is yell at me.

I'm asking three things from you. Nothing more.

Bring it on. You always want something.

One. You're going to get a job.

Wait, let me write these down so I remember.

May dogs piss on your head! Come on, make sure you remember what I say.

Tell me. One.

One, you're going to get a job, you need to work.

You're giving me a hard time about this.

We're in an economic crisis.

Work is not included in my genes. My DNA is out of order. What can I do?

Two, you're going to get married.

You're going to get married, you say.

It's easy to say.

I want it, too. For the last 32 years,

I've been wanking. I'm bored of it.

Of course I'd like to have a wife.

Three, you're going to be respected, you're going to be a good guy.

I'm going to be respected.

I'm already highly respected, so that's easy.

Whenever I go out into the neighborhood,

all the people stand up

straight to attention.

I've told you three things. Don't dare coming back home without completing them.

Okay, I'll do it. I'll think of something.

Don't come back here until you're a man. Now get lost!

Fine, I'll go do what you want.

I've promised to do it.

I even bought you a nice little PlayStation so you can occupy yourself.

You don't let me go.

Then why are you still sitting there like a guest?

Get up, get the fuck out of here!

Your insults are so painful.

Fuck off! Get out!

Fine. I'll do what you tell me to do.

I will do whatever you want.

You fucking prick, piss off!

Where do I begin with this work thing?

God, all I want is to peacefully sit here in front of this window

and quietly watch the people go by. Now look at me.

I can't do that.

I'll try that.

Hello, I'm calling for the ad. Where are you located?

Actually, Tuzla is a bit too far for me.

Can't you come to my house, in Güngören?

What, how can you say that as a boss?

You can't come to the house of an employee?

Why the hell not? What, do you hate your employees now?

No, I can't come to Tuzla. Fuck you and your job!

Just because the guy is an employer, he expects everyone to come to his place.

Come here and tell me what job you're offering me.

We're looking for a domestic pet.

Would that fit me?

I am an animal, but not domesticated.

Not at all.

No chance.

Not at all.

Get lost.

No way.

That's possible.

Hello! No, it's not Ali, I said hello.

I have a lot of experience. I am an expert in pedicure.

I cut my own toenails.

And then I lick the parts that are white.

I don't mind. I've even licked the feet of women.

Who is it that I'm speaking to?

Who are you?

Leave it. Who are you?

It's me that called you. Who are you?

I'll break your bones. Where are you?

Listen, don't insult me. Otherwise I'll break your bones.

I'll insult you even more.

Enough words!

Come to Güngören, if you want some!

Hello, I'm calling for your ad.

I can't do this job. Thank you very much.

I called, but I can't do it, thank you.

I'm calling for your ad. Apparently you're looking for someone.

Hold on, stop!

Look no further, I am the one you're looking for, my friend.

Good evening.

I come from Kopernik Pizza.

As it says on my badge, the pizzas are the hottest in the galaxy.

I've brought you Kopernik Pizza.

Kopernik Pizza!

The hottest pizzas in the galaxy

Kopernik!

Okay. I get it. Give me the pizza.

Sorry, that's what they told us to do. Here.

You've made a good choice. Congratulations, you're a smart guy.

Give it to me.

How much is it?

Let me see how much my boss ripped you off by.

-28.70, but for you it's only 14.35. -Why is that?

Well, when I was coming in, you know, it smelled so good.

You know, I couldn't help myself.

So I ate the pizza.

I swear I haven't touched yours, I just ate the one that comes free in the promo.

I can't believe it. I don't want it.

Listen, friend.

This is my first delivery, you're not going to make a fool out of me.

Go, eat it if you want. I don't want that, I want you to bring me a whole pizza.

What, is this half a pizza then?

What will you do with an entire pizza?

Look at you, you're overeating anyway! You look like a bear.

What's wrong with sharing one with me?

I brought you a whole pizza. It's the other one in the promo that I ate.

What's your problem?

Come on, tell me, what's your problem?

Is it because you're fatter than you are selfish?

What's wrong with sharing your pizza with me?

Good God!

Obviously it's because you're so stingy you ended up weighing a ton.

Even if you stopped eating for three months you wouldn't die.

Don't bother giving me the money.

Curse you, you fat, selfish, stingy bastard!

Don't worry about paying, you dirty, selfish cheapskate.

A selfish cheapskate who doesn't share. Bastard!

What, are you crazy or something? Is this how we treat our customers?

You ate the guy's pizzas!

But I needed to eat, would I die out of starvation?

What kind of a guy are you?

The man wanted to make a formal complaint. It was hard dissuading him.

God, I'm so scared,

You're fired. Hand in your uniform and get out.

Fuck you, I quit. Here, take this.

Sure.

Here's your machine. It fell out of my hands.

-Yes.. -Take your pizza, as well.

-Take your helmet, too. -Go away!

What kind of guy are you? Fuck off!

-I'm going to break your bones. -Get out of here!

Looking for a cashier for a store

Come on, guys, get in a line. This way, my dear.

Now, everyone, put your hand on the shoulder of the person in the front.

Put your hand up, redhead.

Good, now you'll stand in line. Like a train.

This is the express lane.

I want to see all of you like the Anatolia Express.

Behave.

Look at that, too many calories.

Yes, unfortunately.

After eating that, you won't be able to get yourself up.

Sitting in your armchair all day, and wondering why you weigh a ton?

Take the bag. Give me the money.

Count the money you're giving.

-You gave me too much. -I know what I gave.

Okay, I'll take the change as tip.

You forgot the salt.

In the evening, your husband will say the food has no salt.

Welcome.

Grape molasses and tahini. Big boy. Very good.

Motex love. Well, big boy. Some wrestling action tonight?

Where is the squirrel? Where is the caterpillar?

You're having a mixed salad this evening? There's a soccer game tonight?

You'll be smuggling some meat tonight?

What do you mean?

You got an extra large.

Isn't this too big for you now? I heard you had a tiny dick.

Isn't it going to be too big? If not, you could wear it on your body instead.

I'd better pay and go quickly.

He says he's got a soccer game tonight.

That's 10.70. But I'll charge you 20.70.

Go on, get out, you rascal. He's having a game tonight.

Listen.

Don't use the menthol one, it burns.

Good luck tonight.

Like an engine. Okay, big boy?

Good.

He lives in my neighborhood. He didn't go into puberty until the age of 27.

At 25 he didn't even have a single hair on his armpits, the idiot.

He buys a few packs every day. You ask him what he does with them.

You ask him, is there a girl? No.

What he does with all those, I don't know. Probably makes them into balloons

and launches them.

Pears, bananas, avocados, eggplants.

Hey, young man.

Yes, boss.

Since this morning all I've received is complaints about you.

Really? What complaints?

About everything. You even almost beat up a customer!

Go on, get out of here quick, and hand in your nametag.

I'm firing you, get out.

Listen, it's me who's resigning, all right?

For God's sake. Go on, hurry up.

Go on? I'm going to stuff this leek down your throat.

-Fuck you! -I'll make you eat this leek.

Fuck off. Out of here, you mental case.

I've never seen such a mental in my life!

When the guy told me to fuck off,

that made me mad, so I resigned and left.

Good God, as if they'll eat up your resignation.

You resign and feel so proud of yourself.

Do you know what you've done?

I won't let them trample on my honor and my pride like that.

If you had any honor or pride you'd still be working.

All right then, tomorrow I'll try the medical sector.

Sure, you try that. And see if you can kill anyone while you're at it.

Go on, get out. Actually, come, let's play a game.

I need to fuck you up at PS to get you thinking.

On PS?

Come, get up.

-You look very sure of yourself. -I am very sure of myself.

-I'll give you a thrashing. -Come on then, we'll see who beats who.

-Don't put it there! -Why does it matter?

How many times have I told you to never touch that?

That's my precious chest, it's more valuable than you are.

Good God, I was just putting my soup bowl on it.

No, don't do that.

My God, what a tackle, you fucked me over there, look at that.

-Stop. -I'm going to waste you.

-Enough! -Go on, start.

Who shall I play with, which team is that?

You're going to be Inter?

-Good morning. -My God! An enormous buffalo!

Excuse me, I panicked a bit. What do you have?

Are you pregnant?

-Was it external fertilization? -I'm constipated.

-Since when? -Seven, eight, maybe nine days.

I can't imagine the state of your bowels!

The smell, the gas! The stench, it flows through everything.

My stomach is gone! You've caught a viral trend.

It must be chronic diarrhoea.

You're panicking.

It's a very painful disease.

Look, first the vessels of the umbilical partition will die

and then through that hole they call the umbilicus, your feces will emerge,

that's advanced medical language, you better know it as shit.

It will all flow out onto your bed.

I will recommend you alternative medicine.

Rectal suppository! It's a good alternative.

-You know how to use it? -I do.

Let me explain, so that everything is perfectly clear.

Everything should be clear to the patient.

If not, we'll end up with people trying to swallow it with water. Pay attention.

Tell me, what is this?

What is it?

Yours would look like this.

There are two massive cheeks.

Normally they're a bit smaller. Yours are like this.

You spread them.

I'll describe it later. It's like this.

Take some Vaseline, like this. Take a generous amount.

Lubricate it well with your hands.

Now, the suppository.

The beginning is rough, but the end is smooth. You take it and put the tip here.

What kind of a man are you, are you crazy or what?

I'm going to help you out.

Help me?

You should be ashamed to work with such a pervert as him!

Dear Neriman, she stuffed her face so much.

Excuse me, but she has nine tons of dried shit in her stomach.

I try to help and she calls me perverted!

But you're a rude man, you're too insensitive.

All right, look, I understand where you're going here.

Take this off me, take my coat.

I'm handing in my pledge of prostate here.

Take the suppository. I'm resigning and leaving.

Looking for a steward for AtlasJET

Go on!

In the name of God. Let's go.

I have diarrhoea because I'm nervous.

And the increased atmospheric pressure to boot, you know.

It's going to blow my pants off. Has it ever happened to you?

No. Never mind, forget it for now.

I'll check the economy class. You can take care of business class.

Business class?

Yes, business class is up to the curtain. It's for businessmen.

On this side of the curtain we have notables, businessmen.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay, I got it, I'll make sure.

Sir, I wish you have a good day. Welcome to Atlas Jet.

-Your field of business? -Textiles.

-Very good. Yours? -Tourism, sir.

-Cool, and yours? -Food.

-Food sector! And you? -I'm with textiles.

They say the two who love textiles are destined to meet.

You?

-Yes? -Your occupation?

Why are you asking?

I need to be sure that our passengers in business class are actually businessmen.

I'm a movie producer.

Looking at the woman here, I can more or less guess the subject of your movies.

Congratulations, you are on the right track!

Nice. What about you?

Take them off! What's your job?

What? I'm just having fun!

I'll beat the fuck out of you!

Get in the back! Rude kid.

You're just a slacker. Get in the back! Taking up business class seats!

Excuse me. We have a security issue.

Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Brown, there is a little problem. What's your occupation?

Your seatbelts attach as shown.

Look at the belt, it fastens and unfastens like this.

It's very easy, no need to explain it.

Our plane has eight emergency exits.

The exits! Everyone, turn your heads!

Afterwards I don't want to hear anyone saying I didn't see, I didn't know.

Here, look, two in the front, two behind and two right here.

Emergency instructions are in the pockets of the seats.

The emergency instructions.

Don't bother with this at all.

When they tell you to bend over and all that, it's bullshit.

If the plane crashes, everyone just hug one another.

The probability that we'll all die is exactly ninety percent.

You have light bulbs above each seat, don't dare telling me later,

we're in the dark, sir, call the steward for help.

We're showing you, lights above everyone.

If the cabin pressure should vary, above your head...

Oxygen! While we are flying, if the pressure drops

the lid should open... Where is the compartment?

This is it. It should open by itself.

Take this, pull back the thing, then pull it over your head like this. Okay?

Make sure you do the kids first. They're saying it wrong.

Life jackets are...

Life jackets are below the seats, you can set them to your size.

These are the clips, just clip on them like this.

Two red handles, ensure you pull them!

Get it off!

Don't pull my hair!

I was going to die there you know, why don't you believe me?

My head aches due to increased blood pressure, and my bottom due to diarrhoea.

And on top of all that the air pressure! I swear I was going to explode.

Why did you pull the strings, Recep?

Why did I pull the strings?

How else are we meant to show the passengers?

I'm lucky to be alive. You see, I have two capillaries

going from my neck to my brain, both feeding my frontal lobe.

When the circulation disappears, I just collapse immediately! Knock out!

Hope you feel better.

Thank you.

You have not fastened your belt?

Don't insult me.

My family is one of the first families of aviation.

When I was seven years old, I was already playing with a force 12-14 G.

I'm very experienced. Do you know who you're talking about?

My grandmother was one of the first Turkish women who flew.

She was on a flight with Safiye Soyman once.

Safiye Soyman? Who is that?

What a disgrace! You don't know that and call yourself a flight attendant?

How can you call yourself an stewardess?

You don't even know the first Turkish woman who flew on a plane?

My goodness! There was even an airport named after her.

You haven't heard of the Safiye Soyman Airport?

But that's Sabiha Gökçen Airport, Recep, not Safiye Soyman!

Maybe. My memory is overloaded.

-You are funny. -What was that?

-Dear passengers. -God!

we are experiencing some turbulence.

-Please, fasten your seatbelts. -What's that?

-It's just turbulence.

Hold on, I'll ask the pilot. It must be the pilot's fault.

He needs to fly the plane instead of talking.

Stay there.

Open up, I want a word!

Come out!

-What's wrong, sir? -Come here.

Why are you trying to show off?

Come to your senses!

Fly the aircraft properly! Do not fly it into turbulence.

Leave the boasting and fly the plane properly!

You are on an empty road.

-There's nothing wrong, sir! -Nothing?

Look at you! Can't even brush your hair!

You think you're an expert? You think you're the best pilot?

Just shut up and drive the plane.

Fly it properly! You're up in an empty space.

No roads, nothing, just air all around!

Dumb fuck!

Good God.

They should also give us hats like yours.

-What happened? -Massage it gently.

Tell me, what happened?

It was the atmospheric pressure. I've got gas in my stomach.

It happens to workers.

I resigned due to these difficulties.

What?

What else could I do?

You're a bastard!

How is it even possible to resign 17 times in 20 days?

What can I do, grandma?

The sector just doesn't suit me. Business life is not for me.

Look at your Grandfather there! He established an advertising agency.

Your cousin is now in charge. He is very rich.

You can go there, I've spoken with Hakan.

-What did you say to him? -He's going to give you a share.

What? But you've got no official evidence to prove that I have a share!

We live in a secular, democratic country.

Is that fair?

You'll be the owner, the partner of the company.

They're waiting for you there. Go now.

-Grandma, please, don't send me there. -Go!

-Please, don't send me to Hakan! -Go!

-Please! -Enough. You're frustrating me!

Just give me the stupid address. For God's sake, this will never end.

The way you keep nagging me, you sound like a Japanese torturer.

At least go and see. If I can't make a man out of you, I'll die unhappy.

Just give me the address.

-All right. I'll give it to you. -Give me the exact address then.

-Okay. Write it down. -It's...

You've forgotten it, haven't you?

How are you supposed to get me a job with your little brain?

I won't get you a job. I'm just telling you to get your share of the company.

I really don't want to go to Hakan.

If you don't, I'll never forgive you.

Peace be with you. Is Hakan the slimy bastard here?

-Hakan the what? -Hakan İvedik. My cousin.

Mr. Hakan is in a meeting.

Where exactly can I find the meeting room?

Thanks. I'll find it myself.

Do you have an appointment? Sir, one second, please.

Guys, these Japanese guys are world leaders in the automobile sector.

If we get this new contract , we will be the representatives for the Middle East.

Do you know how important it is?

The launch date is finalized, the cost reports are done.

How are you doing, you wild animal?

So you're a boss now?

You've grown up and you attend meetings?

What a big man you are2.

Excuse me, I'm interrupting your meeting

but he is my cousin.

We grew up together.

One day, he said, Recep, I don't feel good.

He said I am 18 but I haven't fucked yet.

Come into my room, Recep.

Then he said

I'll speak a little less crudely as there are some girls here.

A few years later, he called me again and said now I am 22

and all I've been doing is wanking, I'm really on fire!

So I said all right, I'm going to take you to school.

I say school, but you understand, I'm talking about a brothel.

So I took him to Karaköy and put him into one of the rooms.

I was waiting for him outside, understand?

While I was there, I heard a voice from the inside.

Recep, come into my room.

I thought it was the girl, but no, it was him!

Recep, can we talk outside?

-What? -We are in a meeting.

You couldn't do it? You little mushroom!

-Recep, come to my office. -You have an office?

You've become a boss, now you have an office?

You guys carry on without me.

Recep, how many years has it been?

-Probably like ten years. -Yes, it's flown by.

All right, stop with the small talk, let's talk business.

-I guess grandma called you. -No, she didn't call me.

-She didn't call? -God no.

Anyway, I'll explain you my situation.

I have decided to return to the field of commerce.

With the encouragement of my grandma.

I worked in different sectors.

I tried the tourism sector, the field of medicine.

Aviation sector, food sector,

but you know the state of our country.

Everyone sticks to one field, they have trained for that.

But there are about 18 million young, hungry, unemployed people.

At the moment, I'm one of them.

It's true, the market is difficult. The real sector doesn't want to accept you.

It's not enough.

That's true. Commerce is very difficult. We are also struggling.

It is very difficult. I've made such an effort.

The thing is, you need to know someone popular, someone powerful.

You understand me?

I've been thinking to myself, we have a robust company thanks to our grandfather.

Alaaddin Company, which our forefathers have bequeathed their grandsons

and here we are.

Now, it's time for us to step up, it's time for us to run this company.

I thought to myself, I should discuss this with Hakan, we can agree on something.

If we combine my intelligence with your power and form a partnership.

But Recep, what partnership?

These affairs are very difficult. The publicity sector is very different.

Listen to me. I'm being nice to you, aren't I?

I tell you that I also have a right over our grandfather's company.

You are his grandson. And so am I.

Therefore a partnership is mandatory.

Look, business is not your cup of tea. I got a college education.

Don't make me mad!

Stuff your university up your ass! I have a right over this company.

I said nothing about school! I have a right over this company.

I swear I'll draw a line right here and take my rightful half!

How dare you not allow me into my own company?

I swear I'll file a case against you. And I'll break your bones before I go.

-Why are you talking like this? -Shut up!

Don't make me lose it!

All right. Calm down. What do you want to do here?

-What do you do here? -I'm the boss.

Yes, you are the boss. Therefore me, I'm the vice-boss.

Understood? Tell me that I am the vice-boss.

Say it to me now!

Say I'm the second in command. Tell me.

-You are the vice-boss. -Say it again.

-You are the vice-boss. -Good.

So what do you want as the salary?

Well of course, for now, professionally speaking

money is not a priority, but since we're talking money anyway.

You know that these days, the average wage for a man

with a family of four people is around 800 liras,

so since I'm a family of one

I'll have 200 liras plus tax, plus expenses.

I'm going to be using the metro bus as well as other methods of transport.

Fine. That's agreed.

I must return to the meeting.

You can't go back yet, idiot.

Aren't you going to introduce me in my new position to the rest of the company?

Guys. Please, look up.

Mr. Recep is a relative of mine and is a new partner.

He will be joining us as of today.

We were here from the foundation of this company!

No one was here! Only us!

Our grandfather founded this company.

He founded it with only a cart and some land.

Recep, why are you shouting at them?

I'm a bit nervous as this is my first day as boss.

Excuse me, Mr. Hakan, what will be Mr. Recep's position?

Clark Kent, I'll be here in the missionary position, you know?

We haven't finalized that yet, don't worry, it'll be sorted later.

Hakan, you said nothing about my position as the vice-boss!

Guys, Mr. Recep is the vice-boss.

He is my equal here. That will suffice for now.

My brother, I must return to the meeting.

Go! The company needs you!

1 - Get a job 2 - Marriage 3 - Respect

In my first minute here, I have observed

certain mental disorders.

Now, I'm going to sort these out.

I'll be back later. Now I must go and deal with the flow of business.

Have a good day.

They know nothing about art.

One must have the right point of view with art.

Ladies, will you look for a moment?

It's quite clear that there is motion blur on the televisions behind you.

Yes, there is motion blur.

Pay attention to it, please.

Business life is tough.

You might be physically as strong as a horse

but you must also be active, dynamic.

Mad, insubordinate and solitary.

That's why on these sensory sensitive televisions

horse-racing channel will always be on. Here, and in the whole building.

You understand me?

The competition has commenced, dear viewers, I'll see it.

Yes, sir.

The principle is to remain very strong and firm. Like a horse.

Strong.

You understand?

So go with dynamism and energy.

That's how.

Those in the office, I've got my eye on you.

I will inspect that when I return. What the hell is that, girl?

Don't hang your personal clothes here, please.

Go wash this at home, not here.

And you, take all those off your arm.

Why on earth are you wearing nuts?

Why are you walking around with nuts on your wrist?

Don't you dare respond to me again, or I'll give you a slap.

He asks me what position. Impudent swine. Work properly.

Hang up the phone. We need to make some spending cuts.

Before Hakan, the water mill here was always flowing. But not anymore!

This is my grandfather's company. And there is an economic crisis.

You, do you use Photoshop?

-Yes. -Is it CS 4 or 5?

-CS 4. -Well done.

Work through layer by layer, okay?

Very good, fatty, using Photoshop. Good.

I appreciate you working together on this. Good partnership.

But you, are you one of those pirates of the Caribbean?

You think you're one?

Go cut your hair or I'll throw you out.

Go sort yourself out!

How old are you, child?

27.

Very good, little one. What do you want to be when you grow up?

But I'm...

Look how little she is.

Come with your fancy costume on the 23rd April, to the children's party.

You can wear the Norwegian national dress.

We'll even let you be in charge for a whole day.

Go! Get away from here.

You pervert, sexually harassing the girls!

Yes, good job, young girl. What is this?

Tell me, what is this, my dear?

Is it a cell phone? Do you not know not to keep it so close to the computer?

You're working with equipment worth millions of dollars.

It might damage the EBS, ESR, and ASR of the machines.

We tell you at every opportunity. You still haven't understood.

Look at that! Two employees at one table.

Get lost! Go and find another table.

Take your notebook, as well.

There, it was a necessary action to boost your performance.

Good. Carry on. Work hard.

I appreciate your use of color. Very good.

As soon as I found the place, I went and got hold of him.

I said, Hakan, you can't manage everything by yourself

at this company founded by my grandfather.

He immediately saw the sense in what I said.

He told me, of course, my dear, Recep. You should become vice-boss.

He is a man of good faith, reasonable, but too talkative and unscrupulous.

So now you have a job, you need to get a girl.

Grandma, if you don't shut up I'll beat the shit out of you.

Be decent!

I'm not trying to be rude, but I've had enough trouble just getting a job.

-Go get a girl right away! -I will!

-You'll find one and show her to me. -Damn it, haven't you done enough?

I want to see a girl.

Just carry on spinning wool, why are you talking to me about girls?

-You will find one immediately! -Don't try to shout louder than me.

That's enough! You're such a disgrace!

Look at this rude, dishonest, impudent lecher!

Where is everyone?

It's not even 12.30 and everyone's packed up for the day.

Where are the people? The computers are still running.

These devices are consuming electricity.

This is my grandfather's company!

Well done.

Congratulations.

Where are all the employees? You are the only one here. Well done.

It's 12.30, Mr. Recep, it's lunch break now.

So why haven't you gone with them, aren't they your friends?

-No, I don't like them. -Why not?

They're all imbeciles.

That's true. Especially the group in the middle, they are really stupid.

Idiots. So you don't have many friends here?

No, not many.

-Not many female friends, either? -I have plenty of female friends.

What do you mean plenty, you ugly monkey?

They're on the internet.

They say there are many girls on the internet, is it true?

It's very true, Mr. Recep.

I need to get a few girls.

I managed to get a job. Now I'm at the second phase, marriage.

You can easily find them. There are escort agency sites, dating sites.

Shut up!

I tell you I'm looking for a girl to marry and you talk about escorts.

-It's impossible! -Sorry, Mr. Recep.

How dare you call my wife an escort!

Okay. So you want to make a profile on normal sites.

Go and make me a profile.

Save me from my misery.

Here we go. First, you need a nickname.

-Nick what? -Nickname. A pseudonym.

-A pseudonym. -Do you have one?

Me and my grandfather share the same nickname, bear-strangler.

Bear-strangler, isn't that a bit harsh?

How dare you speak like that about the name of my grandfather!

A girl must accept me just the way I am.

The babes are attracted by my swagger, not my display.

The girl will see that I'm a bear-strangler when she sees me anyway.

Okay. Now I have to put in your hobbies.

My hobbies?

Sports maybe?

-I like horse racing as a sport. -Horse racing.

-Yes. -Any others?

Close-quarters combat. I can knock people out. I do it well.

If I hit someone they drop immediately.

Right, so he fights well. Are there any others?

-I am sensitive. -He is sensitive.

I am aggressive. I have complexes.

But I am timid as a kitten when by myself.

Aggressive, complexes, like a kitten when by self.

-Yes. -Fine.

And finally, we need a profile picture.

-Fine, take one now. -I'll take one.

-Smile, Mr. Recep. -Count down from three to one.

-Three. Two. One.

-It's done. -Is it okay?

-Yes, have a look. -Cool.

I'll complete your profile this evening at home.

See if any chicks have replied yet.

-Not yet. -Why not?

No one would respond that quickly.

Look, I'll complete it at home. Tomorrow you'll have one or two.

Okay then. We'll see tomorrow.

Yes. Tomorrow.

You can call me just Recep from now on.

-Now we're on a different level. -All right, Recep.

I'll break your bones.

-I do close-quarters combat. -Sorry, Recep.

Recep.

Recep.

What are you doing? Is this a camera?

Can't you see I am busy? I am photocopying.

-I have some good news. -What happened?

-I've got you a date. -Really?

-I swear. -By God?

-By God. -Oh my God. I am very happy.

-Calm down. -I'm very excited.

So excited.

Well done.

High five!

This is great. I need to go sort myself out.

But first let's photograph this moment to remember.

-What are you doing? -Take that.

-But you've broken it. -Come on.

But it is dangerous.

What are you doing, Recep? People will mistake us for lovers.

I'm not doing this for your amusement.

In fact, all my friends are animal-types.

This is the first time that I've dated someone through the internet.

It's nothing to get so excited about. It will be awesome.

The girl's nickname is daisy girl. She'll wear pink.

-Let me see if she almost here. -Has she arrived?

-No, calm down. -I just had an explosion of adrenaline.

Look, my mouth is dry. Look, can you see?

I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything?

-No, thanks. -Fine, mate.

-Thank you. -Pardon.

Hi. Can you give me a powder tea?

-I'm sorry, we don't have powder tea. -All right, give me a glass of lime tea.

-We don't have that, either, sorry. -Then give me a cup of sage tea.

Sorry, we don't have any sage tea.

Give me one of those mint and lemon teas. Go on, hurry up.

But, sir, we don't make mint and lemon tea here.

-Give me a salep then. -We have none.

-Not even some boza? -We only sell coffee.

-Give me a mırra then. Hurry. -We don't have any mırra, sir.

What, isn't this a Starbucks?

What do you have?

You may choose from our menu, sir.

-That is all that we sell here. -Let me see.

The menu is good. It's a full menu.

What do you suggest? I don't understand any of it.

Why not try caramel macchiato? I'll put in an extra espresso shot.

Very well, fine. Give me a karamallimohnettu zopressoshotter.

-What size? -Tall-grande-vinti.

Which one, sir? Those are three different sizes.

Tall-grenti-finti, that's all I want, get on with it.

God, do I have to wait till next morning?

Your name?

Do you need to verify my ID?

No, not that. I need you to give me your name

so that I can call you when your order is ready.

I don't tell my name to people I don't know.

It's my rule. Write down my pseudonym. Bear-strangler.

Okay then, Mr. Bear-strangler.

Yes, write whatever shit you want.

Excuse me, could I have a napkin?

-Daisy girl? -What?

I am Bear-strangler. Daisy girl, right?

What Daisy? What do you mean?

I am Bear-strangler. Pink clothes, we have a date.

-What the hell are you talking about? -I'll strangle the bear like so.

Are you crazy or what? You animal! Get lost!

God! Oh God!

God!

Recep?

My eye!

My kidneys!

Oh God!

You want me to blow into it?

My eye! I can't see! Where am I?

Take me to the exit!

Oh God!

She ruined me Ali Kerem!

You didn't help me out. Put some more on my eye.

All right.

God. That girl pepper-sprayed me right in the eyes.

And you couldn't do anything. Put some more.

Okay.

She's blinded me!

You wanted that nickname.

But you should have told me you, fool. That nickname is a bit too awkward.

It's you who's so good with computers.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll make a new profile and find a new nickname.

Do what you want. She has blinded me.

My eyes hurt!

Is there a movie that you like? We could use the names of your heroes?

There's a film I quite like, Karate Kid.

Karate Kid, what's that got to do with anything?

But I like it a lot. The way they do the moves.

There's a guy in it, Miyagi-San. He catches a fly with his chopsticks.

-All right then, Karate Kid. -Write it in.

Karate Kid.

So we have to write things from the Far East as your hobbies.

Good, write things related to the Far East.

Yes, there are quite a few from the Far East in my family.

-From the Far East? -We were born in Kars.

But Kars isn't in the Far East!

What, is it in the Near West? Shithead.

Kars is in the Far East of Turkey.

Do you want me to write sushi as your favorite food?

Write it. Write whatever you want.

-This sushi stuff, does it taste good? -Yes. It's a Japanese thing.

Good. Write it if it's Japanese.

Done.

I'm feeling a little better now. Is the chick coming tonight?

Not this evening but we'll definitely get one or two tomorrow.

All right then. I'm counting on you.

If it turns out like the last time, I'll rip your hair out, do you hear?

I swear I'll straighten you out.

-Understood. -Take care. See you.

Okay, girls. Let's do coffee fortune telling.

You know what they say. Fortune telling is fun.

Isn't that so, Elizabeth? Such a cutie.

-Make a wish. -Okay.

Your wish will come true.

Now.

Look, I'll be honest. Don't get angry.

Someone has something that is swelling for you.

They've got a crush on you. Keep an eye out for him.

Look at this cup, see? Yes, it speaks the truth.

Yes, but only Berkecan doesn't understand me.

He never stops criticizing me and doesn't stay faithful.

I'm really down.

Why are you talking like a seal?

What is that? Sort yourself out.

-Okay, who's next? -Recep, you have a message.

Didn't I tell you not to call me Recep in public!

-You have to call me Mr. Recep. -Mr. Recep.

Get lost now.

Get going.

Give me the cup, Clementine.

Someone is inflating for you.

I'm afraid it's the same for both of you. Pay attention.

I'll explain you later. I have an appointment I need to catch.

I'll come back soon.

Don't go anywhere, Okay, Elizabeth?

I will return, Clementine.

Recep.

Recep!

Why the hell are you disturbing me while I'm performing my respiratory exercises?

Disturbing you? You were sleeping.

I'm trying to stay calm.

I'm very nervous, come with me inside.

What am I supposed to do, pretend I'm your parent?

-Can you hold my hand? -Hold your hand?

Yes, please.

But you'll look ridiculous in front of the girl.

Just go on, calm down. Go sit at table number 12.

Act like you come here every evening and eat sushi regularly.

Understood. I'll try and stay calm.

I'll act as though I always sit at table 12 and eat sushi.

-Yes. -Great.

Stay calm.

I'm too nervous. I swear my legs aren't attached to my body.

There have only been two days in my life when I've been this excited.

The day I first had an injection and the day I first injected into somebody.

What's with the injection talk?

Perhaps I can make an injection into the girl after the dinner.

I get it. Go on.

-Wish me luck. -Good luck.

-Wish me luck, my friend. -Good luck.

Okay, good luck, Recep.

-Peace be with you, young man. -Come in, sir, welcome.

-Are you called Fatih? -Yes, sir, I am Fatih.

A friend of mine has made a reservoir in my name on table 12.

-You mean a reservation? -Yes, a reservation.

Come, it's this way.

Hold on, I need to warn you about something.

The date with this girl is very important to me.

This is the first time I've come to Sushi co.

Whenever I call you out, you must call me Recep,

as if I always come here and as if you know me very well. Understood?

-Yes, sir. -Then I'll say, Fatih, bring me the usual,

and you'll say of course, Recep, right away.

Bring whatever you can find, just fill the table up. You understand?

-Understood, sir. -How will you refer to me?

-Recep. -When I say Fatih, come here?

-Recep. -Well done.

If you make a mistake I'll break your bones. Now piss off.

Enjoy. Praise God, your hair is like a shoe brush.

-Here we are, sir. -Thank you, Fatih.

How many guests will you have?

There'll only be one girl, how many do you think?

Do you take me for a pervert? We'll dine face-to-face.

Would you like a cold drink while you wait for your friend?

Good idea. Bring me whatever you want.

Yes, sir.

Wait, come back here. Bring me some bread.

We don't have any bread here, Recep.

What are you saying, you don't have bread here?

Have I not been your customer for many years?

Send someone immediately to the store to get me some.

Right away, Recep.

Piss off. Dumb bastard. Telling me there's no bread.

Here you go, sir, your bread.

Thank you. A meal without bread is no meal at all!

-And your wine. -Thank you.

You've got to taste it first, right? Quality control.

No, not very good. This isn't the exact flavor I want.

Give it to me.

No, this won't do, either.

I'll try white wine.

Thanks.

I tried it through the nasal cavity, you see? No, not good, take it away.

This one's the closest. But still not it.

We haven't found the one yet.

You didn't piss in this one, did you?

A bit too strong. Is it Bavarian?

That's the last bottle we got, there aren't any others left.

What are you looking at?

Nope, this isn't the taste I'm after.

The flavor is good but the body of it isn't as I'd like it to be.

Here, you can take it back.

To be honest, I'm not really much of a wine lover.

Why do you keep giving me wine?

Bring me a beer.

-Get going. God! -Yes, Recep.

You just force the customer to drink wine.

I'm drunk already and I haven't even met the girl yet.

-Karate Kid? -Yakuza.

Yes.

-Delighted. -The pleasure's all mine.

But the sweat on your hand...

You should wipe your hand before coming to meet someone.

How do you like me? Am I as you hoped?

Do you want me to be honest? Since we're friends.

You look a little fucked up.

Smashed, crushed, decomposed.

Yes, you might have a good soul.

Yes, it's worth having a good soul, but what about the rest?

After all, we don't live in a world of spirits.

Therefore, the external beauty of a woman is also important to me.

I don't understand you, Karate Kid.

You'll get to understand.

-Yes, that's it, bring it here. -And this is wasabi.

Look, Fatih! You're taking risks!

-You are funny, Karate Kid. -Sure.

-So do you like sushi a lot? -Yes, for sure.

Me, too. It's my lifestyle.

I can say that I've been a fan of sushi since the age of three.

A lifestyle, a philosophy of life. Let me share a story with you.

When we first came to Istanbul, I was an only child in my family.

That's why I became so spoiled, I never used to eat anything but sushi.

Every morning I needed to eat two Nigiri sushi to wake myself up.

My mother used to work in the clothing sector in the Ümraniye.

I will never forget that day in fall,

when my mother returned home, with a bit of bread in her hand.

We were quite poor so she put

two California rolls in the bread

and some ebu tempura

and we shared it amongst ourselves and ate it.

I always feel bad when I remember it.

I always reminisce about those days.

Today I am able to dine on king-size and

queen-size plates.

I've now ended up, after all that, in this good situation.

My mother used to feed me every morning with wasabi.

I used to eat so much of it. That's why I am so robust.

She used to feed me.

She put a lot of effort into bringing me up. My dear mother!

My mother!

You see this? This is what the Japanese call butter.

I eat this every morning. Look, I spread it onto my bread, you see?

I take a bit like this.

Then I spread like this.

Be careful! Wasabi is quite spicy, it might sting.

Spice doesn't affect men like me, by God!

What's wrong?

But I told you wasabi is quite hot, didn't I?

Put some sushi in your mouth. It will reduce the stinging.

What's this?

What the hell is it?

Nothing, it's just raw fish. What do you think?

-Raw fish? -Yes.

What's up with you? Go away.

Go to hell! Disgusting! How much did you eat?

You might as well have eaten the whole restaurant! You overgrown oaf!

Go to hell!

I am so sorry, forgive me.

Damn your sushi and your wasabi. Go to hell!

Let me go to the bathroom.

Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you.

Look what happened to me because of you.

The only thing I've never eaten was raw fish but thanks to you I did it.

What did I do? All I did was to wish you good luck.

Is pepper spray my good luck?

Is raw fish my good luck? All I did was to wish you good luck.

I wish you good luck. Anything for you.

-The girl will be like Turkish delight. -But she was!

You half-breed Quasimodo. Just go do your job and ring bells.

Idiot.

You won't find any bitches on the internet, it's all bullshit.

We need to go direct to the source.

Therefore in order to find chicks we must go to places in high society.

And where would that be?

-Yoga, for example. -Yoga?

-Yes, Yoga. -We're going to do yoga?

Yes we'll go to a yoga class. You'll find super-hot chicks there.

Fine, take the photo quickly, then let's go for a drink.

Then we'll go yoga.

Okay, but Recep, you're blocking the light.

I'll break your bones first then we'll see how I block the light.

You'll be seeing stars and angels, they'll be saying come, young boy.

Hello? Is no one here to serve customers?

Welcome, sir. How can I help you?

I'm sorry, I didn't see you. I've come to join the yoga class.

Very well. We have a session beginning in half an hour.

What kind of yoga would you like to join?

-What kinds do you offer? -We have fengshui yoga and taichi yoga.

In that case, I'll choose Tahsin's yoga.

-Are you going to wear that? -Yes, of course.

I've worn this since primary school. It's high quality genuine, not fake.

I see. Very well.

You may go in if you wish, my colleagues will assist you.

Thanks.

Everyone, welcome.

At the beginning we are going to learn the philosophy of yoga.

Peace be with you, master.

Let's all do yoga nicely and start up social relationships.

Shit, everyone here looks like a corpse. Why the hell did I come here?

Here, please sit down.

One second, I'm sitting down. Thank you, master.

In the name of God.

Let us greet our new friend.

Okay, ladies, yoga is the art of relaxation and enlightening of the soul.

Is this man always relaxed like this?

Yes, Master Nilgün is always a calm and relaxed woman.

Yes, all I see is an idiot. Where are you from, young boy?

We'll begin by relaxing our muscles.

Our first movement will be the lotus position.

Master, don't chat shit, this is just how we sit cross-legged at home.

No, sir, the cross-legged position you refer to

is how the tribesmen of Central Asia sit.

The Lotus, however, is one of the principal positions of yoga...

Master, don't try and fool us with all this talk of lotus and stuff.

For centuries, everyone in Anatolia sat like this.

Never mind, sir. Now let us move on to the second movement.

Shivava.

Hold on, this is something else! Just one second, master, excuse me.

Why are you making us bend over, saying that it is

shivava and Central Asia?

This is just the position to bend over, master.

Stop talking shit, what shivava?

This is just the position to bend over.

Please, do not interrupt, sir.

Master, I don't mean to interrupt, but look at the state of this Irish boy.

My God, never again, I must repent.

Look at what they're forcing us to do to relax us.

For fuck's sake, she's just making us bend over to look at our asses.

Is this how I'm supposed to relax, master?

This is too uncomfortable, how are we supposed to relax like this?

My arms are shaking all over.

Never mind. Let's return to our lotus position

and do some meditation to calm ourselves down.

God, she keeps putting me from position to position and expects me to stay calm.

Now let's close our eyes

and imagine we're in a forest.

Imagine the birds around us. -They're closed, master.

The butterflies, the flowers, we are experiencing serenity.

Let's sleep.

Let's relax.

Sleep.

Silence.

Forgive me, master, I fell asleep, excuse me.

And let us release the evil spirits within us.

Let's release them.

Excuse me, master, you're sure you want me to release them?

Release Let go of the bad.

What the hell are you doing?

You said let go of my demons, so I did just that.

Don't do that, you've been doing it since the beginning of the class.

You were releasing it onto the mat. I could hear you from here.

What kind of guy are you, as soon as your friend gets caught, you start doing this!

Enough! Get out! What kind of a dirty man are you?

I swear to you, you'll regret this, master.

You think you're good or something? Look at you, with your white hair.

You look like Adnan Şenses, it doesn't suit you at all.

You know nothing about yoga, you know nothing at all!

I learned yoga from a real master.

I got privately tutored by the 14th dalai lama in person.

Stop talking about masters and stuff

or I swear I'll introduce my shoe-sole to your face.

What pricks are you talking about? She's talking to all of you.

Didn't you hear, she said there are 14 pricks in the class.

-Look, two, four, five, 14. -Get out!

Piss off, you Gandalf-wannabe. Come on, Scottish boy, let's go.

Stand up, let's get out of here. Are you with me or not, Scotty?

Let's leave, you Scottish bastard. Let's get the hell out of here.

Fuck you. Look at the state of this place.

I can't tell whether this is a yoga class

or the morgue of Şişli-Etfal Hospital!

Go on, have fun with these balls.

Get out!

Shut the hell up!

Hey, Hakan. Can I come in? Thanks.

I am in disagreement with the office workers.

I decided to get your advice.

Should the photocopied documents be in Times New Roman,

bold italic Verdana, Tahoma bold, Arial bold italic,

-or bold underlined or Times New Roman? -What on earth are you talking about?

Excuse me, Mr. Hakan, what shall I do with these blank invitations?

Fuck your blank invitations.

We're discussing something important here. Piss off!

I saw you at your desk, flirting with the tea-trolley man!

What were those invitations for?

Those were invitations for the grand launch we've organized for the Japanese.

And tell me why I didn't also receive an invitation?

They're not for you, Recep. What would you do there anyway?

Forget it, the Japanese would just be chatting nonsense there.

What's more, it's an unnerving atmosphere.

-Why? I am the vice-boss. -You'll need to wear a tuxedo, as well.

What makes you think I don't have a tuxedo, shithead?

-You've got a tuxedo? -Of course, I do.

-A dark colored one? -Very dark.

Fine, then. You can come, as well.

Good, may God be with you always. You are an intelligent man.

-Can I bring a friend? -Yes.

-He has curly hair, will it be a problem? -You can bring whoever you want.

Thanks. May God be with you.

Do we have add a call back to these invitations?

-No. -All right.

Okay, thanks again. I'll see you there. Don't work too hard, you look tired.

You look like a raccoon.

Isn't there a better quality shop than this? This place is quite crap.

Listen, you won't find any better than this. We're in Modesan, you know.

This is my friend Metin's shop.

One day, Metin will make it real big, he'll be the market leader.

Hey, Recep. Welcome.

Peace be with you, Metin.

And also with you. So how can I help you?

Let me lay it out for you. I've got to meet some Japanese people

so I'll need a smart tuxedo, that'd suit the atmosphere.

Let me tell you something. I swear you're one lucky man.

We couldn't tailor such a suit even if you gave us a year to do it.

But I've got a Japanese suit, with some designs on the back.

Try it on, you'll see.

When you enter that room, even if there are one and a half thousand in there

-all eyes will be on you. -Give it to me, I'll try it right away.

-As you wish, right away. -My friend here also needs a costume.

We need to find him a good design, too,

otherwise he'll feel left out, unfortunate wretch.

Sure. There's a lot of clothes here.

It's on me, by the way. Hakan's paid my first salary, 200 liras.

Wow. This is one top class jacket.

Wonderful.

Its texture is excellent, but isn't it a bit too glossy?

Not at all. There's nothing else more original.

Look, it fits you perfectly.

-I don't think it looks good on you. -Why would you say that, idiot?

You know nothing about fashion. I am a fashion expert.

What do you know about fashion? Imbecile!

He is the expert on fashion. Metin, get him out.

What an idiot. What kind of clothes he wears, no fashion sense at all.

But this is the new generation. All ignoramuses. Never listen to them.

Look here, this emblem on the chest is the badge of the Prime Minister of Japan.

Turn around. See, the same on the back.

Everyone is going to be awed by you. You be sure you wear it to the ball.

Lanky, come here.

Now piss off.

Look at her, trying to show off.

You know, the jacket didn't look great in the shop

but in here it looks really good on you.

Look, I told you, the man was a fashion guru.

The guy told me the fabric might not look that great here

but when you go to that party, it'll soak up all the ambience and electricity there

and shine it on their faces.

-He was right. -Sure.

-Would you like some? -We would. What is it?

-Canapé vol-au-vents, sir. -Canapé?

Look at the size of the canapé, but then look at the size of my buttocks.

How would this size of canapé ever fill me up?

Even if you considered just one of my ass cheeks

the canapé would be nowhere near enough!

Take one.

I'll take some.

-Tastes real good. -Yes. Let's try this one, as well.

-Enjoy. -What is this?

-It is caviar, sir. -What the hell is caviar?

The eggs of fish.

May God punish you for what you've done!

Piss off! Making us eat the dirtiest part of fish.

We spent a million dollars on catering in this party!

-The most disgusting part of the fish! -What are you doing?

You don't expect me to eat the shit of fish now, do you?

Sir, they wish to thank you for this marvelous, wonderful reception.

I'm the one who should thank you. You came a very long way. Thank you.

Hi. l am very big fun of yours. When your player for the Gullit?

Hi! Mrs. India! Where are you?

-Are you mad? -For the Kenya?

Meto! Look! Look at that man.

It's the logo of our organization.

Yes.

That guy must be the underworld boss of the Middle East!

It must be him for sure.

Sir, they are very interested in that man over there.

They say they would like to make his acquaintance.

Recep. Over here!

-Me? -Come.

What's up, Hakan?

These are our Japanese clients, they wanted to make your acquaintance.

Hiroshi, Makato, Meto.

Nice to meet you Meto, pleasure to have met you, also, Makato

and same to you, Hiroshi. I really like the Japanese.

These are very respectable people. Very bold men.

I actually speak Japanese, very well.

Don't fuck me there, fuck me here.

What if these guys understand Turkish?

Look, here's another one. Shoved it in too far, had to withdraw.

Of course, you'd laugh like this.

This is Turkish joke.

You three are great guys, I respect you very much.

You are most welcome in our country.

Sir, they are asking for your permission to go to the bathroom.

They may go, but translate this well, tell them to aim properly, okay?

I don't want any splashes on the sides. Remind them to lift the lid, too.

You're turning this place into a stable. What are you playing at?

What do you mean? This is called human relations. Mutual human relations.

This is an international language, man.

I showed them my warmth, affection, my friendliness.

I showed them my Turkish side.

What nonsense are you talking, Recep? These are not your close friends.

The situation is awkward enough already.

Excuse me, but the situation is awkward only because your party is like my ass.

I'm sorry, but you've organized this party like a funeral!

Look, I've spared no expenses, I even got the best DJ.

Everything is perfect, man.

A real party, the best DJ, the atmosphere wouldn't be like this.

You should have left it to me, entertainment, that's my job.

I'm begging you, Recep. Please, just stay aside.

Okay, you just enjoy yourself. Where's the DJ's cabin? DJ!

Excuse me, does your music setup

-have a USA memory card slot? -Yes, sir.

-Where? -Here.

Yes, it's a very beautiful slot.

-God! Look, they're towing away a car! -Where?

Look over there, is it yours?

-I don't know, I'll go see. -Go on, take a look, idiot.

They're taking your car. What an idiot.

His IQ is zero. All right, let's see.

Music out, the other CD in.

Dance!

Yes! This is real fun.

Sir, they cannot accept the campaign launch in October.

They say they cannot sign to these conditions.

But we've already discussed the terms of the agreement.

Why have they changed their minds now? Ask them.

Come on. Do it for me.

Please go and shut him up.

Come on, come to daddy.

Run to me.

Mr. Recep, a little quiet, please. There's a meeting going on inside at the moment.

If there is a meeting, you should have called me, as well.

Sit down, it's alright. These Japanese kids are really respectable chaps.

What's going on here, Hakan?

-We are in a meeting right now. -So why didn't you call me?

Am I not the vice-boss?

Look, everything is already messed up as it is.

-What the hell's happened? -They don't want to sign the agreement.

What, they're refusing to sign?

Don't worry, I'll sort it. Stand aside, stay back.

What is the problem?

Takashi, Makat? Hiroshi?

What the fuck is your problem? You think you're too good or something?

Huh? Have you come all the way here to play around with us?

You bastards, you've been eating and drinking our food for three days

and you're staying free of charge at a top hotel, thanks to him!

These guys have been working on this deal for four months!

So what's your problem?

Be real men.

Be real men and make sure you don't piss me off!

I swear, I'll break your bones!

I swear I'll shove my shoes in your face, so don't make me mad!

Look, he's my cousin. Anything you do to him, you do to me.

In my opinion, I think we should sign.

Quick, he's the master. We simply must sign right away.

Get on with it, translate what I said, they have ten seconds to sign.

That's it, now we're in harmony.

You see, if we can apply like this we can have harmonization across all of Europe.

If you wish, we could have mutual relations.

We could meet many times, we could even go see you in Tokyo.

You could come here, too. We'd arrange marriages,

get some new relations between our families. Is that okay, Hakan?

They signed, I'm not dreaming, am I?

-Yes, of course, they signed. -Recep, you're a genius.

Idiot, don't make daft gestures.

They are giants in their sector, market leaders. We've got them on our side.

If it weren't for me you would have humiliated us in front of these giants.

Move your arm, idiot, do you want to get it broken? Keep working hard.

-Send my shoes to my office afterwards. -Is that really their signature?

It is my utmost pleasure to invite to the stage

the owner of the Alaaddin Advertising Company.

The company that signed the biggest advertising contract of the year.

Hakan İvedik.

Good job, boss.

Go forth, man!

Thank you very much. It's nice to see you all here.

Our company has become a world leader

in a very short amount of time.

But the real architect of this achievement is my brother, my cousin

my business partner, Recep İvedik.

For this reason, I think that Recep İvedik should be taking this stage instead of me.

Recep, could you please come up here?

No, Hakan, sort it out yourself, don't get me involved in this, please.

Please, Recep, don't disappoint us.

Let's all give him a round of applause, for encouragement.

Stop clapping! I said stop clapping, idiots!

Thank you. May God be with you all.

-Wait till I... -God, a dead cat!

I'll break your bones.

Excuse me.

And here he is, Recep İvedik.

But what the hell should I say? What the fuck am I going to talk about?

Just talk about globalization, about the economy, come on you'll be fine.

All right then. Get lost now.

Yes, I greet you all with respect.

First of all, I must say it surprises me

to see so many bigwigs in Istanbul.

You're all like beads on a string. Be like real men.

I'll tell you about a philosophy which I've followed since childhood.

The grasshopper and the ant.

The grasshopper and the ant were in the field, when

the ant said listen well, because

of global warming caused by globalization

the dollar will surge and the price of a barrel of oil will fall.

So be clever and work hard.

The grasshopper responded, what do you know? You live under the ground.

You live in a little hole, all you do is carry the shit of people

to your house. Why should I listen to you?

You swim in people's saliva as though it were a swimming pool, get lost!

The ant replied we will see. And then he left.

The winter came, and one day the ant was having a sex party in his house

with about 25 of his friends, boys and girls. They were having fun.

When suddenly someone knocked at the door.

He opened the door and saw the grasshopper there, exhausted.

Do you remember, said the ant, in the summer when I spoke with you in the field?

Would you be kind to give me some rice and a box of butter, asked the grasshopper.

The ant replied, you are truly an idiot

a dishonorable wretch.

I warned you, he said.

Remember, when I was carrying a sunflower seed on my back, I warned you.

I warned you, didn't I, he said. If I hadn't I wouldn't

get this angry, you bastard!

The grasshopper replied, what the fuck are you shouting for?

Don't piss me off, I'm really not in the mood for it.

The ant replied, get the fuck out of here or,

I swear to God, I'll call the raccoons.

Fuck off, said the grasshopper.

He grabbed the ant's antennae, and broke his hind leg

there was a terrible fight, with blood flowing everywhere.

It went on till the evening.

Anyway, I don't know why I told you all this, but in the end, to conclude

as they say, the seals are very lonely.

In short, I feel most aggrieved.

In a world where we lose 45 cm of glacier ice every day, damn it all.

I'm telling you, it's fucked up.

I have one principle.

Listen well, before the wheat begins to bud, the blind calf does not limp.

I salute you all with utmost respect.

1 - Get a job 2 - Marriage 3 - Respect

Take the photos.

Bastard, you've been using my phrases again?

But those words are mine, grandma.

Before the wheat begins to bud, the blind calf does not limp.

These are my words.

God, it's so difficult to satisfy you. Look, I've bought you a PlayStation 3.

Okay, you got me a PS3, but I want a high definition TV, as well.

All right, I'll buy you a television in high definition.

Good. And what have you done about your girl problem?

One thing at a time, grandma. I can't do everything at once!

When are you going to get married? When will you find a nice girl?

When are you going to show her to me?

I'll show you the girl when I bring your television.

Come, let me fuck you over at a game of PS.

Quick, get over here. You've spoken enough.

All right, let's play on the PS3. Let me just install it first.

Okay, but we'll see who's going to get fucked over by who.

Maybe I'll fuck you over twice and you might once. Get a move on.

-Why the hell did you bring me here? -Golf is a lifestyle.

It's time for you to learn new things like this.

Is this game based on Turkish cricket?

Not really. Let me just show you how it's done.

Now, look, the feet should be parallel to the ball like this.

-Like this? -No, no not like that.

-Turn them a bit this way. -Like this?

No. A bit more to the right. Parallel.

Like this?

Yes, that's good. Now bend your thighs a little.

Good. Splendid.

You mean the shit-taking position.

Well, not quite. Raise your chest a bit more.

Keep your chest upright.

-What the hell are you doing? -Recep, a bit higher.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm just showing you.

How can someone hump their own cousin pretending to teach him!

Recep, I'm just trying to teach you to play golf here.

You brought me to this quiet field to teach me golf

but you're humping me! You worthless prick!

You might as well take me into the forest while you're at it!

Look, people are staring, keep it down.

Move the fuck away! Get into your little green square!

If you think you know so much, just do it yourself. For God's sake!

Just watch me, you idiot.

What happened there, shithead?

My grandfather was one of the best golfers around, he used to play on a horse.

He used to throw it like this, from the horse.

This game was passed down from our forefathers!

I'll be at the 14th. I'll wait for you there.

I've been playing for eight years, and I've never hit it as far as that.

I can't believe it. I will never play golf again.

-What are you doing? -Move the fuck out of the way!

-I'm trying to take a shot here. -Stand aside.

Does this field belong to your father or something?

Are you looking for a fight?

-Just get out of my face. -Just fuck off to the side!

-We're playing golf, can't you see? -My car needs to go through here!

-Calm down. - I'll smash your head with this lever.

I swear, I'm going to break your bones with this lever!

-Recep, what are you doing? -What's your problem?

Recep. We're on a golf course, what are you doing?

I've told you politely! I'll just split your head in two, like this.

This is a golf course. You can't fight here.

You think you're a hero or something?

Sorry.

Mate, I'm in deep shit with my grandmother you know.

Just because I look like this, don't think I've got it easy.

Grandma's really old though.

She might be old, but her brain functions really well.

She just keeps yelling at me to get a job and be respected

and now to get married. I'm under huge pressure you know.

Everything will be fine. One day, a girl will turn up and you'll get married.

You know, it was your help that I managed to get a job.

The same goes for how I gained respect.

All that's left is to find one girl, we need to find a solution.

Don't worry about it.

-You like the tomato? -Very nice. Is it a village tomato?

No, it's not from the village, it's organic.

I paid 35 liras per kilo for them.

I always eat organic food.

If you had brought a Swiss-knife, we could have cut it into pieces.

What do you need a Swiss-knife for? Rid yourself of these posh tendencies.

You just take the tomato and put your fist in, like this.

That's how it's done. Here.

-What is this? -Sorry.

Go play somewhere else! Go, move to another field!

Calm down.

We're having a nice picnic here and you're chucking balls at our heads!

If it comes here one more time, I swear I'll cut your balls off!

I swear I'll just chop them off!

Piss off!

Are you crazy?

Stop making gestures from there! You'll get an egg chucked on your head.

I'll lob tomatoes on your heads!

-Recep, calm down. -Don't make me mad!

-Ali Kerem? -Yes, my dear.

I'm having a birthday party this weekend. Are you coming?

Of course I am, I wouldn't miss it.

It's a fancy dress party. You have to wear peculiar costumes.

-I will. -Fine, see you there.

Look, can I come, too?

-Shall we go? -She didn't invite me.

-There'll be some interesting girls there. -Look, I'm not invited.

-I'm not invited. -So what, we'll still go.

But she didn't invite me to the party.

-Whatever, we can still go. -Why the fuck are you rubbing it in?

Fucking rubbing it in my face, just because you got invited and I didn't!

-We'll copy the invitation. -Shut up, don't come near me.

Curly haired monkey!

Not only did you force me to come to this party uninvited,

but also you make me come disguised as a rabbit.

Where's your head?

Don't get angry. You actually look quite cute in that.

God, give me patience.

Look, go and chat with those girls. There's so many of them there.

-Where? -Over there.

-Those are girls? -Yes.

These things you call girls, all I see is an elephant, a monkey

and even an orangutan!

So what, and you're a rabbit. You'll get along just fine.

I'll just give you a slap across the face and you'll see how fine I am.

Get with the mood. Be a bit more sociable.

Shut up, idiot, don't teach me how to be sociable.

I know how to start my own relationships.

Hey you, you're Snow White?

Listen, make sure you don't eat anything that witch gives you, understand?

Don't forget, if she tries giving you an apple, it'll be toxic.

Observe carefully the source of the fruit.

I'll smash your face in and take your eyes out!

I saw you in the movie. I know what you're up to!

Madam, I'm in a spot of bother with this costume

would you please be able to measure my blood pressure?

-Okay, I will. -Go on.

-Very high. -Very high, isn't it?

-Your heart's beating real fast, as well. -It must be because of the view.

Can you measure my diastole, as well?

Do I have to tell you where to measure that?

Two grilled cheese sandwiches and a small cup of tea.

Go on, quickly now! Hurry and bring it to me.

Give unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar. Get the fuck out of here, knob.

-Your costume really suits you. -Thanks, yours, too.

You're a genuine ass-giver, right? Piss off!

How dare you punch? Piss off.

Fucking nuisance.

Mona Lisa?

Mary Claire?

Marilyn Manson?

Marilyn Monroe.

It's true you had an affair with Einstein, isn't it?

-No. -Is it true he fucked you?

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, walking around like a clown? Piss off, get lost.

Look at him. Trying to hit on Marilyn Monroe.

So an American wrestler?

If it's American wrestling that you want, that's what you'll get!

I can take anyone!

I swear I can't take any more of this.

Where's that bastard, Ali Kerem?

God! I'll break your bones, I swear!

Why are you hitting me? It's me.

Why the hell are you trying to scare me?

What's to be scared? My costume's like this.

Idiot, you don't need to wear a costume to look like a monkey.

Your face already looks like a baboon's. Shithead.

How's it going, Ali Kerem? Love your costume.

Thanks.

Your costume is really nice, too.

Thank you.

-What is it? A grizzly bear, isn't it? -Does this look like a grizzly bear?

Look what I've got on my head. Look. Two long ears on the head.

Look at my ass, look at the fluffy tail.

Look, my palms are white.

Where the fuck have you ever seen a grizzly bear like this?

I'm sorry, but when I saw your face I thought you were a bear.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut up!

She looks at me and thinks I'm a bear.

When I saw you, I thought you were a retard. You dumb fuck.

Look at her hair, looks like a table lamp.

We might as well put on a couple of candles to light at night. Retard.

Get lost! Disgrace!

-Calm down, it's okay. -Animal!

Pick it up. My hands are busy.

-What? -Hello, Recep, it's your grandmother.

-Yes, grandma. -There's too much noise.

I can't hear you. Where are you, you good-for-nothing?

Grandma, forgive me, I'm at a costume party.

I'm here with my future wife.

Her family organized it so we could get to know each other.

The girl's whole family are animals.

I'm not well at all, I think my time has come. Hurry.

-Where are you? -I'm on the way to the hospital, my son.

-Which hospital are you going to? -Which hospital?

-Numune Hospital. -She says we're going to Numune Hospital.

Okay, hang up, I'm coming right away.

Bring my future daughter-in-law.

-Lie back, madam. -Shut the hell up!

Bring my future daughter-in-law, otherwise, I'll never forgive you.

Fine, I'll bring her.

Please, don't worry, just make sure you get well. All right, hang up.

Never mind, Recep, keep talking, I'm using the nurse's telephone.

The bill will go up her ass, not ours.

-Madam? -What?

-I'll take my phone back, please. -You can't have it.

It's just a few liras, why are you so worried, you she-devil?

-What happened? -Something really bad.

Where's Hakan? Take this shit off your face!

Walking around with a Z across his face. Something bad has happened.

-They're taking grandma to hospital. -All right, let's get going, quick.

Yes we must go urgently.

But I also told grandma I'd bring my future wife with me, as well.

-Shit, where'll we find a girl now? -No idea.

We need to go there with someone we know and trust.

Yes.

I've got one or two ideas, Ali Kerem.

-What's that then? -I've got a very excellent idea.

Hakan, come with me.

What on earth are you wearing?

Grandma, I'm now with high class society.

To show their wealth, they cover the whole body with fur.

Hakan, what is that costume you're wearing?

Have you joined a religious sect?

No, grandma, they gave me a cloak because I was feeling a bit cold.

Have you brought me my daughter-in-law?

Grandma, when have I ever let you down?

I always do what you ask, so, of course, I brought her.

Come here, my dear, let me introduce you to my grandmother.

Come my beautiful, my love.

-I hope you get well soon, grandma. -What is this, what an ugly girl!

Is this the best you could find, my son?

She might be a bit ugly, but what could I do? It's love

and love can land on a piece of shit and still affect the heart.

But this one is even worse than shit!

-I'm getting upset. -Don't say that front of grandma.

Otherwise I'll punch you so hard you'll fly into intensive care.

Isn't that so, my love?

I want you to do one last thing. This is my last wish.

Tell me, grandma, I'm always ready to do whatever you ask.

-You know that mahogany chest? -Yes, I know it.

-You know that mahogany chest. -Yes, the mahogany chest.

The poor woman has passed on! Grandma!

She came back.

-There's a mahogany chest. -Yes, the mahogany chest, I got it.

-That mahogany chest, Recep. -I know, tell me the rest of it!

Good God!

She says mahogany chest and goes to the other world without finishing!

Grandma!

Look, she's back again, she's alive.

-The mahogany chest... -Look, I swear I'll stop the serum now,

tell me quickly what's in that mahogany chest.

Recep, you know, the mahogany chest.

I got it, there's a mahogany chest!

Finish your sentence for the love of God!

I hope it goes up your ass!

You see, she insulted me.

She made her last joke.

She's attached the mahogany chest to my ass and left.

Stop staring, quickly, go get the doctors!

Doctor! Isn't there a doctor around?

Doctor!

Come on, see if you can save her!

Are you going to save my grandma, doctor?

What a bastard. He must have crushed the poor woman.

God.

Does it smell of feet?

No.

My dear grandma.

She was always sitting on this sofa. She would play PlayStation here.

She was always looking out for me.

She always desired me to be successful.

The poor woman, she didn't have a single tooth left in her mouth,

she used to speak like this.

Just like a chicken.

Look, she made me write down a list of the things she wanted me to do.

I got the job. I got the respectability.

But now I have no need to make a family.

In truth, my grandma was my only family.

Stop the nonsense, Recep, are we not family?

-Who are we? What is your last name? -İvedik.

-And what's mine? -İvedik.

We are the İvediks. No one can hold us back.

We'll manage the company together.

I'm always at your side. End of story.

Don't bullshit, Hakan. I don't want to hold you behind.

No, Recep, nothing will happen to us, don't worry.

Yes. He's right. I'm with you, too.

Easy. Eat slowly!

Don't put it there, move it!

Putting the dish on the mahogany chest!

Putting the dish on my grandmother's mahogany chest!

-Sorry. -You shameless!

You curly-haired wannabe clown!

-My condolences. -Thank you, thanks for your support.

Thank you. That's a very nice scarf.

-My condolences. -Thank you.

Thank you. Same to you. What's your height?

Thanks. Say hello to Mehmet from me.

-My condolences. -Say hi to your son.

Thank you. Amen. Thank you, aunt.

-My condolences. -Thanks.

Thank you all.

Is that a noise? Were you here? Sorry, didn't see you there.

Thank you.

-My condolences. -Thank you, dear friend.

If you're ever in need, please give me a call.

I'll call you. Don't worry.

-My dear Recep. -My dear Hakan.

Go on a vacation and get your head together.

You can come back to company whenever you want.

Fine, thanks.

See you later.

My God!

This is a house of mourning!

This is a house of death! All they did was sit here

and eat the sweet dish and then fucked off like a herd of buffaloes.

Just leave me alone, leave me by myself.

I'm suffering!

My God.

What the hell is this?

Look at that, she did it again.

My dear.

Good God.

What gave you the idea to take a photo like this? I don't understand it.

Where on earth did you get this taken? Who took this photo? I don't get it.

She must have forced the women in the neighborhood

to take the photo.

Surely, nothing else could have come out of this chest.

When I asked what was in it

you always answered, you'll see when I die. What was in it?

You'll see when I die. You've done it again.

You've made me laugh again.

I'm going to miss you a lot. You left me with so many tasks

and now you've left without seeing them accomplished.

My poor, dear grandmother!

It makes me laugh each time I look at it.

What the hell are you doing?

The girl is a savage.

Why are you trying to get with a girl you don't know?

She's an Indian beauty.

I know what you're thinking.

-Thanks. -Piss off.

Next.

Wait a moment. Peace be with you.

What are you moving out of the way for?

Good evening, ladies and gentle...

A grandfather with a white beard. Come here, my child, come here.

Don't laugh.

Sorry, it was too high.

Fill in the blanks, come on!

Well done. Very good. Get this out the way.

Lift me up.

Where did it go?

I won't go if I'm not invited.

Come on, let's go.

I'm coming, too, right?

-Let's go. -I told you, I'm not invited!

I'll take a shit right in your mouth.

You neither bring me a bonsai nor a golden coltsfoot.

-Yes. -I swear I'll...

We're playing for money, right?

Makes no difference.

Oh my God!

-God, the sofa. -I always said that you were a bear.

What a bear!