Original subtitles

Sydney, you're supposed to be doing your homework.

How are you learning about history by watching music videos?

Well, things in the past were really lame, and now they're really cool.

My head is just buzzing with knowledge.

Are you sure that's not just an echo?

Sydney, your mother's right. If we want to learn about history, we have to watch

classic videos.

See? Huey Lewis and the News, our founding fathers.

Charlie, look!

It's Huey Lewis!

Come on, dance with me.

It's hip to be square.

Hip to be square.

Oh, my God, this is so much worse than walking in on your parents doing it.

Oh, I think it's cute. Two people who are in love but don't realize that

they're not attractive enough to keep it to themselves.

Charlie! The palace!

That's the concert we had tickets to when we were in college.

Yeah.

You know what? I think we're all watching entirely too much television.

Kids, if you don't use that tire swing out there, we're just going to look like

white trash.

You were at that concert?

No. Your mom and I, we were dating at the time, but we had a fight, so we

didn't go.

Was it over who was the worst dancer? Because I'd call that one a tie.

Seriously, what did you guys fight about?

Your dad and I have been planning a romantic night for a very long time.

I was still living in the sorority house.

We are the girls of new beta gamma.

Some are from the north and some Louisiana.

We are always ladies, breakfast, lunch, and sup.

We don't like to cuss and we don't give it up.

Someone's in a good mood and I don't think it's because we finished the best

homecoming float.

Ever.

Charlie and I are going to the concert, and because it's our 12th date, the

president of the Undergraduate Flower Club will be... Dee Flowers!

I'm so excited. I went out and bought a special calligraphy pen for tonight's

journal entry.

Oh, my gosh!

I know!

Okay, Emily, you've got to go. Charlie's going to be here soon, and I want to put

rose petals on the bed.

Well, good luck.

Oh, but you might want to hide your furry friends.

At least the ones that talk when you squeeze them.

See you later, guys.

You're still the most important man in my life, Mr.

Sparklepaws.

I woof you.

Aw.

I woof you, too.

Mortimer got the lead. It's my fair lady, not my lazy-eyed lady.

Listen, Faith, I know you're upset, but I kind of have plans.

Plans? I really need my big sis tonight.

I'm, like, totally bummed to the max, you know?

I know, honey, but... Great, okay, I'm gonna straighten out my eyeliner, and

then we'll get ready and go out and party to take my mind off of things. You

totally rock.

You look totally awesome.

I can't believe it's finally here.

Twelve wonderful dates all leading up to one beautiful...

What the hell's all over the bed?

Rose petals.

I stole them from the float. But don't tell anyone. It's conduct. I'm becoming

a gamma girl.

I got the car all gassed up to the tune of 99 cents a gallon.

Man, OPEC is gouging us.

Thank God we're still friends with Iraq.

Charlie Bear, I'm sorry, I can't go to the concert.

What? Why?

Well, my sister just showed up, and she's very upset, and I don't think it

would be right to leave her alone.

Oh, great. You've been working on that stupid float all week, and now you're

bailing? That float is not stupid!

I'm working my tail off on it. Yeah, you're supposed to save some of that

tail for me.

What do you want me to do?

My sister showed up unannounced.

Yeah, well, is this how it's going to be if we end up together?

Every time your sister needs something, you're just going to throw me over for

her?

Don't be such a spaz, Chaz.

It's just a one-time thing.

It's not like she's moving in with us.

Just forget it.

I can't believe I blew off my breakdancing class for this. We're going

to learn to do the robot.

Darn it.

What a waste of good rose petals.

I guess I could dry them out and use them for potpourri.

Okay, I'm all set.

Come on, let's go party.

Hey, how many beers do you think we could buy with Dad's moon rock?

I'm not up for that.

I just had a huge... Okay, you're upset.

I'm upset. Come on. Now let's go out there and drink one giant beer for

mankind.

Only 16.

But I do have an even better idea.

That is supposed to cheer us up?

A nerd wagon covered in tinfoil?

Hey!

This is my sorority! Life in the year 2000.

Come on, you want to take turns climbing on and waving to the pretend crowd?

Actually, I'd rather climb up the balcony and be the pretend sniper.

Oh, drat. They painted the interior of the flying car all wrong.

And this one's wrong, too. Oh, I should have known.

When I brought out the color wheel, I heard a lot of snickering.

Wait a minute.

Fun just got funner.

You and I could pull an all-nighter and finish the flute.

Oh, the songs we'll sing.

Oh, the commas we'll slip into.

Later. Wait, where are you going? I canceled my plans for you.

There's like a whole wide world of partying out there that's calling my

name.

Well, it's calling the name on my fake ID.

So, that's how your dad and I missed the concert.

I, of course, went to Hollywood, became a famous actress, won an Emmy, and once

had a pizza delivered by a young buck the world would come to know as Ashton

Kutcher.

Wait, but if Dad didn't go to the concert, then why is he there?

So, um...

What was Ashton Kutcher like?

You went to the concert?

You told me you went back to the dorm and practiced apologizing to my picture.

Fine, I went. But I'm not just admitting that because this footage implicates me

beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I cannot believe it.

Is there anything else you've been lying to me about? No, of course not. Now, can

we just turn this thing off?

Hey, Dad, who's that girl you're with?

You know how long I held out for this girl? Twelve dates.

And now that it's twelve, she just cancels on me. Like I don't have a life.

Well, I do.

I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch The Love Boat.

Wow.

That girlfriend of yours sounds like a real drip.

I think this guy wants to buy me a drink.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I love it when they card me.

Makes me feel like I'm still in high school and under the age of 18, which I

am definitely not.

You go to school around here?

Simone LaPierre of Quebec City?

Um, no.

I was going to, but then...

You know, Harvard made such a big stink that I decided to go there just to shut

them up.

So what's your name, Stud Muffin?

Charlie.

You're cute.

But I have a girlfriend.

The same girl that ditched you so you could drink alone and hit on me?

You called me Stud Muffin, which makes you inappropriate.

But correct.

So, like, this lame-o girlfriend of yours, is she your main squeeze?

Well, I thought we were serious.

We got matching airbrushed T-shirts.

We're gonna put them on tonight at the Huey Lewis concert, but... Ah, she blew

me off.

Well, you know what they say.

If you can't be with the one you love, take me to the Huey Lewis concert.

No, I don't know.

Come on! It'll be fun.

Plus, how often do you get to rock out with a Harvard girl who scored a perfect

100 on her IQ test?

Well, tickets will just go to waste. What the hell? Let's go.

Okay. Hey, um, do you still have that airbrushed T-shirt?

Yeah, it's in the car. Great. Leave it there, okay?

I don't know who should be more insulted by this little story, Mom or Harvard.

So you met Faith.

And you took her to the concert.

Charlie never told you that? Wow, that sounds like something that's just

between you two, so I'm going to hit the old tire swing.

Stay put!

This is way more interesting than doing my homework. Plus, I'm not paying

anybody for this.

I cannot believe you two went and had fun at the concert.

Fun? You think we had fun?

I had more fun at my last colonoscopy. Oh, and keep in mind, the anesthesia

wore off.

So anyway, after I go out to Hollywood and make it as a famous actress, then

I'm also going to write and produce and check it out. I have the best idea for a

sequel to The Breakfast Club. It's going to be, you ready?

The Lunch Club.

Oh, that's not the only sequel. There's also The Dinner Club and The Snack Club.

Oh, God.

This was a mistake.

Oh. Oh.

A hitchhiker.

And he looks dangerous.

Maybe if I give him a ride, he'll kill us both.

That'd be sweet.

Sheen Brothers.

Oh my gosh, how hot is that? Why is it so hot in this grody car?

And what is that smell?

You think you had a bad time?

That was the worst date I've ever been on. And you're talking to a girl who

spent the night at the Neverland Ranch.

polite. You'd be blocking the people behind us.

Could you be a bigger dweeb?

Nobody's polite at a rock concert.

You know, Simone, all you've done is complain.

I work two shifts as a cafeteria omelet supervisor just to pay for these seats.

Omelet supervisor?

Yeah. No, seriously, when you leave your dorm room in the morning, do you give

yourself a wedgie just to get the ball rolling?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go throw my bra back.

Oh, damn, I knew I forgot something.

Thank God I never have to see her again.

Huey!

I don't understand.

If the night was such a disaster, why not just tell me what happened?

You're right.

We should have. We were stupid.

Well, Charlie's stupid. I'm just thoughtless.

Well, I'm going to go clean out the gutters.

Help me with the ladders, Faith.

Oh, sure thing, Chaz. Hold it!

You two aren't being honest with me.

Something else must have happened.

I knew it. I knew it. Aunt Faith is my real mother.

Can I get a tattoo?

Oh.

You're going to tell me what happened right now or those mini chicken pot pies

go straight to the neighborhood cats.

She's got a...

Simone. Great.

What are you, like, following me now?

Here, here, here.

Ow! Here's a lock on my hair. Get lost.

Thanks. I'll cherish it forever. Not!

Oh, and FYI, I came here to make up with my girlfriend.

Wait, who's your girlfriend?

Hope Fairfield.

Oh, my God.

Oh. My.

God.

Are you telling me you're... drippy girlfriend is my boring sister?

Hope told me that her sister's name is Faith, and you're Simone LaPierre.

Uh, no.

Simone LaPierre weighs 165 pounds and is an organ donor. I just started abusing

my organs. I'm not about to give them away.

I should have known you didn't go to Harvard. When I asked you what your

major was, you said twirling.

Well, this night's been a total suck fest.

What do you think you're doing?

Uh, relieving stress while looking cool, duh.

No! I am not letting my girlfriend's little sister smoke. That stuff will

kill you. Give me that. No, this one's healthy. It's filtered.

Oh.

Hey!

Great, that was my last one. You know, if Hope ever winds up with you, she'll

never see me again.

Good!

Just pissed off Hope's little sister.

Now she's gonna reset that 12-day clock back to one.

You

said

if we ever had a fight to get you flowers.

Oh, that's a good thing about you.

You're a girlfriend that comes with an instruction manual.

But for future reference, carnations aren't your best foot forward.

And even in the carnation world, blue is a serious misstep.

Well, they didn't have a big selection at the car wash, so...

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I never should have tossed aside our plans for my sister.

Not that it matters.

She was out all night.

So you haven't talked to her?

No, no. She's in the shower.

I was asleep when she came home.

She stumbled in, banged into the coffee table, said some words that were very

frowned upon in the gamma bylaws.

Oh, phone call.

Oh, hey, Charlie. Way to be an idiot.

Oh, blue carnations.

Idiot times two.

Gag me with a spoon, it's you.

Listen, thanks for not telling Hope I took you to the concert.

Oh, I'm gonna tell her as soon as I see her.

I'm gonna tell her you smoke.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna tell her that you bought me a drink and tried to get with me. Tried to

get with you? You're the one who called me a stud muffin. Well, obviously I

wasn't wearing my glasses.

You... I can't believe it.

Something terrible... happened.

My float burned down.

Apparently some awful person left a lit cigarette near it.

All that work ruined.

Bet it was Misty Flanders from Kappa Alpha Chi.

She's the only bad apple I know stupid enough to smoke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here I am going on about my float and I haven't even introduced you to.

Charlie, this is my sister, Faith.

Faith, this is my study guy, Charlie.

Like, so nice to meet you. Like, for the first time.

I always enjoy meeting new people.

For the first time.

You two burned down my float?

All these years, I have blamed Misty Flanders.

I even covered her car in shaving cream.

I'm sure she's over it by now. It was 20 years ago.

I did it last week at the supermarket.

I'm sorry, honey.

I should have told you about all this.

But now that it's out in the open, what was that float?

I mean, you had a flying car and an astronaut and a mushroom.

A later discussion, right?

Hope, we're sorry that we kept it from you.

We were just worried about how you'd react.

And Mom, think about it.

If they had told you, you might have stopped dating Dad.

Then you wouldn't have had any of us.

I would have been someone else.

Somebody taller.

So just for the record, Mom really is my mother.

That just doesn't add up.

Honey, it was so awful taking Faith to the concert. It made me realize what I

had with you.

Well, I suppose I can move past this. It was a long time ago.

So, I guess I am the reason you two ended up together.

Thank you, Faith.

Thank you.

For being the annoying, self-centered lunatic that you are.

There, was that so hard?

Hey, who's up for some pot pies?

Come on.

Hey, hey, Mom.

Mom, is that... Is that you?

That tattoo.

Nowhere visible.