Original subtitles

I'm never going to get that step.

Just relax. Feel the music. Pretend your knees are jelly, your hips are socket

wrenches, and the floor is made of lava.

You know, when Patrick Swayze gave dancing instructions, they were clear,

direct, and dirty.

What do you think you're

doing? It is... Two in the morning.

Salsa is meant for the wee hours.

And why are you bothering us? For God's sake, it's two in the morning.

How can we sleep with that awful racket?

No offense to the music of your people.

Hey, I was born in New Hampshire.

Just keep it down. I have to get up early to do a retainer fitting.

Yes, and I have to get my hydrangeas ready for the county fair.

I have a very strict misting regimen. Fifteen minutes either way, and the

flowers become moody and listless.

Wow, dental work and a flower show?

Are both these events sold out?

Can't you do this at Gooch's Motel?

Look, Faith, since you and the Gooch are spending so much time together, it's

time to get a place of your own. Remember? We talked about this, and you

said you were going to start looking for one.

Charlie, I say all kinds of things. Like, oh, my God. God, what a cute baby.

I don't always mean it.

Most of the time, they look like a giant piece of chewed gum.

I can see you're not going to do this on your own, so I guess it's just up to me

to find you a place. Oh, great.

I'm going to need hardwood floors, central air, and I do so love a gazebo.

Well, there's a gazebo at the park, and it's right next to the public bathroom.

If you like it, we'll throw up a tarp.

Come on, Hope.

Hope?

Socket wrench.

Socket wrench.

Hot lob.

Hot lob.

Hope you really didn't have to come.

No, no.

I want to make sure Faith ends up in a safe place.

If you had it your way, she'd be living in some cardboard box beneath a Glen

Falls overpass.

Well, Chinowsky Dental sponsored the cleanup of that highway. I am not

littering it with faith.

Hello, hello.

Come, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

So, are we here to invest, divest, or just cuddle and nest?

Oh, no, we're not looking for us.

It's a rental for my sister.

Preferably with a washer and dryer.

Or just a stone and a creek.

If it's good enough for the Shawnee Indians, it's good enough for her.

And you should know we're working a very modest budget because, frankly, she

doesn't have a job or any skills or good credit, and I probably shouldn't be

telling you this right now.

It might be none of my busy beeswax, but how does she afford the place she's in

now? Well, that's the problem.

She's been living in the apartment above our garage rent-free for the last three

years. Oh, dear.

You've got a squatter.

A squatter? If someone's been residing on a property for over two years rent

-free, they have the right to claim ownership.

So, are you telling me that my sister-in-law legally

owns our garage apartment?

And your garage.

Glen Falls has the strictest squatters' rights in the state.

That's how Glen got the falls.

No, this can't be happening. I mean, there's got to be a loophole.

Besides the one I can make by fashioning a noose.

Unless she's paying rent, you're in a pickle.

No.

Charlie, please, stop squeezing my leg. There has got to be a way out.

Seriously, I'm losing feeling below the knee.

According to City Hall, the realtor's right.

We need a good lawyer.

And what's the name of the guy on the bus bench the kids are always painting

the Hitler mustaches on?

We don't need a lawyer.

Faith is not going to try to steal our garage apartment from us. Because she is

never going to know about this whole squatters rights crap.

Oh, no. We are not going to lie to her. I felt her wrath when she found out I

lied about the tooth fairy.

She left her last two baby teeth in my back.

And she still wanted money.

Honey. You heard the realtor. All we have to do is get Faith to pay us

something, anything, and then she has no claim on the apartment.

Or we could just take the high road and tell her the truth.

No.

This is where it stops.

I have always let you make the decisions when it comes to Faith, and look where

it's led us. So why don't you just worry about your little flowers and the county

fair and let... The man make the decision on this one.

Pretty strong words from a man who owns beaches on DVD.

Anything else you want to mouth off about?

Yeah. Yeah, you know our family stationery with the mallards on it that

says everything's ducky?

I hate that.

Okay, before you say anything, we just came from the realtor's office.

Wearing that?

Okay, no, but Gooch did take the real estate section into the bathroom with

him. Yeah, I did, but I got caught up in the society pages.

Did you know that two chicks got married here last week?

How hot is that?

We actually went to the realtors, and, you know, there's nothing out there.

But what we really learned is that... Is that... Is that you can't afford

anything. So I was thinking, if you just paid us a little rent, maybe we wouldn't

feel so taken advantage of.

I'm only getting 50 bucks a month for trying that new experimental drug.

Oh, man, do I have a headache.

Fine, 50 bucks a month. Hold on, Faith.

My Mexican grandmother always said, before you buy anything, you should try

and barter.

Quick, offer him two chickens.

You relax.

I wasn't going to take that first offer.

We'll offer you no more than $47 a month.

Done. And Hope has to do all the laundry.

What?

Fine. On Sunday, it's fluff and fold only.

Good question.

Is anyone else here experiencing blurred vision and numbing of the extremities?

No?

Okay.

Guess I'm not in the placebo group, then. Honey?

Honey? Little help? Oh.

So, this experimental drug, there are no sexual side effects, right?

Oh, God.

It's the paparazzi. I knew sooner or later they'd track me down.

Were the directions I sent you okay?

Actually, I'm Dr.

Shanowski's realtor. I was just in the area and I thought I'd drop off some

apartment listings for his sister-in-law.

Oh, I'm the sister-in-law. Yeah, and I won't be needing those listings anymore

because Charlie and I worked out a deal.

Congratulations.

So he's going to let you squat?

No, hey, hey, that only happened once and she was locked out of the house and

it was an emergency.

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

Well, like I told the Shanowskis, since you've been living here rent-free for

over two years, you've got squatter's rights.

As long as you've never given them a rent check, the apartment up there

legally belongs to you.

Oh, my God, Gooch.

That explains Charlie's sudden generosity. Do you know what's going on

here? Oh, yeah.

So, uh, you're in real estate?

Those two chicks who got married in town?

Where do they live?

What a lovely spread.

What's the occasion for this impromptu soiree?

Well, we just wanted to formally celebrate the first official signing of

my very first rent check.

More champagne, Charlie?

Sure.

Since the bottle was a gift to Hope and me. It was hidden way in the back of the

fridge in a brown paper bag marked batteries.

So, uh, the check?

Oh, right.

Goods, drumroll, please.

I said drumroll, not porn music.

So what was that amount we agreed upon again? $47.

Really?

Gosh, that just seems so low. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.

No, you're not taking advantage. Just...

Write the check.

You know what, Charlie?

Tomorrow I'm going to go down to your realtors and ask them what a fair price

would be for somebody who's been living in an apartment for three years and not

paying rent.

No, you don't have to. I mean, we're fine with 47.

In fact, make it an even 20. Just write the check.

Charlie, you are so good to me.

I mean, here I've been living in this place for three years like I own the

place.

Now I'm about to become an official tenant.

Sort of changes our whole relationship, doesn't it? Yes, it does.

Change it now.

Here you go.

Mr. Squat?

That's right.

Mr. Diddly Squat.

Suck it, Charlie.

Your realtor came by and told me I legally own this place.

See, Charlie, I told you no good could come from lying.

But it's our champagne, so let's just call it even. Oh, no.

I'll drink your champagne and keep your apartment how you like me now.

Babe, I wanted to tell the truth.

But you didn't. You lied to me. You assumed I'd just take your apartment

like I'm some kind of thief.

Because you did, and you are.

Would this be a bad time to bring out the pigs in the blanket?

What's with the fancy breakfast?

A peace offering to make up for what we did to Faith.

You're making Belgian waffles for the person who stole the room we've been

letting her live in for free?

While you're at it, why don't you just make a frittata for the guy who gave me

a cavity search at the airport?

So since I've lived in my room for 12 years, does that mean I legally own it?

Because if so, I'd like to put in a lab.

And I want a slide and a cotton candy machine.

We lied, Charlie, and now we have to somehow make it up to her. I mean, all

the progress she's made in therapy isn't going to be worth beans if we don't give

her the benefit of the doubt.

Since you bring up the benefit of the doubt, maybe now would be a good time

for you to close your eyes and sign my report card.

Oh, look, she's coming. Okay, everybody, big smiles, big smiles.

Hey, what's going on? My key doesn't work.

You changed the locks?

I have the right to defend my homestead by whatever means necessary.

How do you like me now, squatter?

Especially if there should be a beautiful girl next door.

I don't think I'm bold, but

my mother told me to love.

And you will find your labor a great deal easier.

Life will be breezier.

What do you think you're doing with those lights?

I got them from an auction at the Glen Falls Correctional.

We are going to shine these puppies directly into the combat zone.

How are we supposed to sleep with those blasting outside our window?

Your itty-bitty book light drove me to offshore pharmaceuticals.

Don't worry. We'll have that squatter out of there in no time. Hey.

Do you think I made a mistake by not bidding on that Doberman?

He took a shiv to the paw. He's mean as heck.

Okay, that's it.

This turf war has got to stop.

Dr. Janowski, tear down this wall.

I will not. She started it.

And now you can end it.

Charlie, what kind of example are you setting for your children?

You always tell Justin to walk away from a fight.

You're the one who told him to walk away. I wanted him to take karate.

You put him in tap.

my morning light and technically it was on my property

honey

I'm

sorry I know how much these hydrangeas meant to you

oh you

know what

This has gone too far. I'm going to go talk to Faith, and I'm sure that we can

work this out. Back off, peacenik!

It is on.

Okay, all I have to do is get to the secondary pipe, which runs straight up

to Faith's room and winds right behind her bed.

Bingo!

Mom, what you got going on there?

She... crushed my hydrangeas, and now I'm going to drive her crazy.

One drip at a time.

Okay, Mom.

I know your life can be drab sometimes, but can't you just inject some of your

butt into your lips like Sonia's mom?

Now all I have to do is figure out the timing of the drip.

So, dinner's a maybe?

Only the irregular dripping will drive her to madness.

Drip.

Drip.

Then... Oh, Gooch, that infernal dripping has finally stopped.

Now I can go back to sleep.

And just when they do... Rip.

Oh, Gooch, please!

Make it stop!

Dad, do you... Do you know if Mom has been in my top right sock drawer?

Uh, honey?

Hey, what happened to tearing down the wall and being the bigger person?

What about my innocent hydrangeas, huh? What did they ever do but delight the

eye and elevate the spirit?

Now leave me alone.

Maybe you should just take a step back and realize that Faith isn't just our

neighbor, but like you always say, she's family.

She stopped being family when she dropped a wood bomb on my hydrangeas.

They were my only pleasure.

What? But she still likes you guys.

Right, honey?

Yeah, yeah.

You're a freaking joy.

Beth! Wait.

We need to talk.

Mind getting off my property?

My lawyer advised me to say nothing to you until we meet in the courtroom.

You have a lawyer?

Of course.

Who do you just think I was meeting with?

Oh, that chick who waxes you as a lawyer?

Thank God you're good looking.

I know I let things get out of hand, but hope has gone off the deep end. This

morning, she actually left a wet towel on the floor.

Maybe it just fell. No.

When I reached for it, she screamed, Leave it, neat freak!

I'm worried about her.

I just... I think we should put an end to all this.

But I had so many great things up my sleeve.

I was gonna put a beehive in your laundry hamper.

Yeah, well, maybe you should put a little of that energy into trying to

find a job. Yeah, but that won't sting you and make you itchy.

Faith, Charlie's right.

Plus, that ninja suit you got me really doesn't fit.

So what do you say?

Truce?

Okay.

Hey, what's that?

Did you leave the water on?

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

I think that's the last of it.

I'm sorry, Faith.

I wasn't able to save your hair collection.

That wasn't a collection. Those were hair extensions.

You thought I collected hair?

It's no stranger than the collection of cotton balls you keep under the sink.

That's not a collection. That's just a bag of cotton balls.

Well, good, because I wasn't able to save those either.

Okay.

Once again, I'm sorry for what I did.

I don't know what came over me.

I should have just shot butt in my lips like Haley said.

I'm sorry, too.

I know what those flowers meant to you, and I have been dragging my feet on the

whole apartment thing, but, you know, the truth is, I just don't want to be

far away from my family.

Oh, Faith.

Oh, no.

It's just that everything in my life has changed so much in the last three years

that living with you guys has been like my only constant.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, God.

You know what?

You don't have to leave.

We're going to fix that garage up, and you can stay as long as you want to.

Oh, Hope. Oh, beer!

And I really do appreciate everything you guys have done for me.

And don't worry, I'd never try to claim ownership over your apartment.

And I'm sorry for all my crazy pranks.

Wait, Charlie, don't open the fridge!

It's all right, the beer's still good.