Original subtitles

You sure, Ted?

I'm ready. I want to go down Dead Man's Hill.

Oh, I don't know.

It's pretty dangerous.

I tackled it when I was your age. Cracked a rib, shattered my leg in three

places. But on good days, I can barely feel it. Angry steel pin.

Is there anything worse than winter in Glen Falls?

It's cold, dreary, and the malls are crawling with pasty-faced house frowns

fighting over discounts.

I don't know what it is about a discounted scarf that drives me to such

violence.

Oh, hey, Lindsay.

What are you guys up to?

Well, I am tutoring Sydney in physics.

Yeah, I'm learning all kinds of cool stuff, like, uh, E equals McTwo.

Yeah, it's a process.

You were studying up there? All I heard was rage and hip-hop.

They were busting some fat rhymes, yo.

Sisters?

You are so lucky your mom never told you who your dad is.

Uh, hey, Sid, if I were you, I'd run back upstairs.

Your mom picked you up something at the mall in the teen geek section.

It was Junior Miss.

And unlike those belly shirts you're so fond of, it'll provide the boys with a

little mystery.

Oh.

Thank you, Mom.

Hey, I can wear this to the malt shop.

Did you catch that?

She gave you the eye roll, meaning you're terminally uncool.

Please, I'm a parent.

I gave up uncool when I was eight months pregnant and sneezed and peed myself.

So your mom and dad, huh?

They live to embarrass.

Yeah, I just wish they wouldn't try so hard.

Hey, I feel ya.

So what are you all doing tonight?

Just chilling out.

Yeah, we're just chilling out.

And then they gave me

the eye roll.

Me!

That shouldn't be happening for another 30 years, 40 after I stay at the Dade

County cosmetic surgery camp.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Sorry, sorry, my defenses run a little weak when I have to take emergency

appointments.

But I'm sure my daughter will have other guest piano solos with the Beijing

Philharmonic.

Between you and me, I would not throw my support behind her until she graduates

to a legitimate American band.

Faith, you have an image of yourself as young and vital, and Sidney's little dig

has bruised your self-esteem.

I just feel like ever since I moved in with Hope and Charlie, I've become

square by association.

Oh, my God, did I just say square?

Pretty soon I'll be stealing sugar packets and saving them for later.

Look, as long as you were living with your sister and her family, you're going

to be just lumped in with the adults.

I don't want to be lumped with them.

I want to be in a young lump.

A fast, exciting lump.

A flump.

If you're really serious about being in a flump, you might want

to make some changes, starting with your present living situation.

Okay.

I don't know if I'll be able to convince Hope and Charlie to move out of their

house.

Oh, could you write me a note?

Stop rolling your a**!

I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here.

One of you is a killer.

Kidding.

Actually, today I've decided to take the ultimate step.

I'm moving out.

Son, let this be a lesson to you.

Never stop believing in your dreams.

Never!

Wait.

You're really moving out?

Where did that come from? Two years of lighting candles and praying like a

freaking monk.

Look, I need to be around young people.

I mean, no offense, but you and Charlie are in the express lane to middle age,

and you got me strapped to the luggage rack.

Well, where are you going to live?

I found a great apartment online.

Here's something you're missing.

renting places cost money.

Ah, as it happens, my soap just got syndicated to Greece, so not only am I

sitting on a tidy residual, but I am now officially a Greek goddess, call me

Faithina.

Well, I'm sorry, but this just sounds like another one of your impulsive, half

-baked plans.

I mean, what kind of person just up and moves out like that?

What kind of person lifts her leg on a miracle?

Look, I took... a virtual tour, there was an apartment available, and I

scooped it up before anybody else could get it.

Well, I think this whole thing is just a big stinking pile of hooey.

Kids, forgive my language.

Oh, I'm not a child anymore.

I can't live here forever. It's time for me to spread my wings and fly.

Fine.

Go ahead.

Just remember, when you were a kid and you tried to fly, you jumped off the

roof and broke your arm.

Can you give me a little bit of credit?

You know, ever since I've been in therapy, I am so much more independent.

Justin, come help Aunt Faith lift the heavy stuff.

The beefy ones get all the grunt work.

Dad, can I please, please have Aunt Faith's apartment?

I mean, sharing a room with Haley is really distracting me from my studies.

Hey, I think I should get the room. It wasn't until Einstein moved into his own

place that he came up with E equals McTwo.

Nice try. And I'd give the room to Courtney Love before I gave it to you.

I can't believe Faith is moving out just like that.

Hey, you know what we should do?

Make up for the financial hit we've taken the last two years and rent out

Faith's room.

I don't want some stranger living here.

What if he's a pervert?

Or has bad taste in curtains?

Actually, one of my patients is looking for a place, and my hands have spent so

much time in his mouth, Artie feels like family.

I don't know, Charlie.

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, maybe it's not such a crazy idea to just let Sidney have the place.

I mean, we could trust her with a private apartment and a fridge you can

stock with beer and a nice round bed for healthy teenage exploration.

And you know her children will be beautiful.

Granny.

Good afternoon.

Here for your grandparents?

No, I'm moving in today. I'm Faith Fairfield.

Oh, right. Uh, you're in 37B.

What a lively addition you'll make.

Oh.

Oh. To what?

To Rancho Viejo, the retirement community that's one step short of

heaven.

Oh, my God.

I've booked myself into death's waiting room.

Sorry. That's okay. They can't hear you anyway.

Looking good, kid.

It's got a full bath, kitchenette.

We'd be happy to slap some paint on the walls if you're not a fan of the

deranged dollhouse look.

It's okay. I just moved out of my mom's place. This is the color of freedom.

Anyway, I'm fine with it. I'm low maintenance.

Did you hear that?

He's low maintenance.

He's already way ahead of our last tenant, and I bet I won't catch him

siphoning gas from my car.

Sean, I should warn you. We have three children, including two teenagers, so it

can get pretty raucous around here. It's a quiet raucous.

Oh, I'm used to it. I grew up in a big family.

Hey, feel free to check out the bathroom. I, uh, I grounded the tile

myself, and the showerhead has five different kinds of pulse.

Go ahead, give it a test drive. We have towels handy.

You didn't try this hard when you were courting me.

Well, I wasn't as sure about you as I am him.

He's the whole package.

Not that you weren't. Or aren't. I love you.

Nice bathroom.

But I did notice a tiny drip from the faucet.

Oh, well, I'll get right on that.

So, when can I move in?

So, when can he move in?

Oh, here are bank checks for first, last, and security.

I don't keep late hours.

And on the weekends, I like to lose myself in yard work, so if you ever need

your driveway shoveled or firewood chopped, I'd be happy to pitch in.

Would it be inappropriate if I kissed him on the mouth?

Hey, Aunt Faith.

What are you doing here?

Well, there's been a little bump on my road to independence.

Remember Rancho Viejo, that community I moved into?

Vaguely. It was yesterday.

It's an old folks' home. I mean, how did I not catch that?

Well, when you consider Rancho Viejo is Spanish for old ranch.

Damn!

Are you kidding? Two months of dating a Latino, the only Spanish I know how to

say is, it unhooks in the front.

Look, I need to move back in here.

Okay, but I cannot endure another one of your mother's lectures. So, I need you

to act out how much you miss me. You know, make a scene, throw a tantrum,

knock over a liquor store.

Yeah. As much as I'd like to do three to six in juvie, it's too late. Your place

is already rented.

Rented? What are they, a bunch of slumlords all of a sudden?

Well, look who's back.

How's the nonstop party at your hip new place?

Righteous. Everyone there already feels like a friend.

An old friend.

Well, I'm off then.

It's, uh, cocktails and dip night at the Jacuzzi.

I'd invite you to come along, but I'm sure you have a wild night of sock

folding ahead of you.

Let you know, socks are Tuesday.

I'm off, too.

Going to the bank.

Our new tenant insists on giving us this strange thing called rent.

It's what we collect now, instead of grief.

You better finish your food.

Quilting bee starts in an hour.

Sounds thrilling, but I'm still tired from that group nap.

So tell us, newbie, what's a spring chicken like you doing in this place?

I just told you ten minutes ago.

All right, I'll say it again.

It all started with a pep talk from my therapist.

In my day, nobody went to a therapist.

You just slapped on a smile and hid a pitcher of martinis in the pantry.

You young kids.

You think I'm young?

Well, look at you. You've got a gleam in your eye, not a wrinkle on you. And your

hips probably don't set off the metal detector.

Aren't you an observant bunch of oldsters?

What?

Oh, I get it. You probably recognize me from my soap.

Yes, yes, I was on the sacred and the sinful.

Nope, I just like your boobs.

They aren't resting on your knees.

That's where I know you from.

Tea here.

May I have your autograph?

Oh. Just write, thank you for a magical evening.

Kicking you off that show was the biggest mistake they ever made.

Why, you're a freaking national treasure.

I'm home.

So, tell us, newbie, what's a spring chicken like you doing in this place?

Hey, babe.

What's with the extra plate? We having company?

Sorry.

Force of habit.

I know I shouldn't, but... I miss her.

Not me.

She's like a limb that got cut off.

She's not here, but I can still hear her yakking.

You know, she stopped by earlier, and I almost wish she'd come over to tell me

she'd made a mistake.

But... She's having a great time.

Why can't I accept that?

Look, we wanted her to be more independent, and she's doing it.

But just to be sure that you don't get tempted, let's change the locks and get

a guard dog.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I just found a small patch of

mold under the sink.

Okay, well, I'll take a look at it right after dinner.

Actually, I'm a little sensitive to airborne spores.

You can't see them, but they're everywhere.

So... So you want me to look at it right now?

Now works for me.

Thanks, landlords.

If he hadn't chopped half a cord of wood today, I'd really be ticked off.

You know, Faith, you have the cat-like agility of a young Shirley MacLaine.

Of course, you're too young to remember that.

Say that again and I'll let you dip me.

Oh, back off, Max.

I'll knock your teeth right off your end table. Boys, boys, relax.

We have all the time in the world, relatively speaking.

Don't shoot the messenger, but I think the windows need to be resealed Whenever

I stand in front of the north-northeast pair. I feel a slight draft.

There's sort of a

Think

I want to kiss this guy

I didn't wanna do it.

Sean just gave me his updated list of requests.

Number 16, he doesn't want you working up here without a hairnet.

You know, maybe it's the cumulative effect of all the electric shocks, but I

think I liked it more when Faith was here.

Yeah, well, I'd love nothing more than to have her back. But apparently she's

happy where she is.

You mean it, Rancho Viejo?

I wonder what that means in Spanish.

Maybe we should see if we can do something to entice her back here

somehow. Yeah.

Now, I know rancho means ranch, and I think viejo means... Yeah, yeah, we get

it. You're smart. You speak Spanish.

Maybe if we threw a party for her.

Oh, for Pete's sakes. She's living in an old folks' home, and she's miserable.

Haley, why didn't you say anything?

Because nobody listens to you around here unless you've got an Emmy and a

personality disorder.

We have to get her back.

What about Sean?

We can't just kick him out.

I hate to predict storm clouds, but I took a flashlight to the air ducts, and

there's a layer of dust about five feet in there that I find highly unsettling.

I never thought I'd say this. Go get our girl.

That's Vincent's heart medication.

Hi, Faith.

Hope! What are you doing here?

Uh, Haley. That little snitch.

She was just concerned about you. We all are.

Even Charlie.

Oh? You're still with him?

Oh, hold up a second, doll.

Thank you.

You never know.

Could I speak to you for a second?

Sure. Oh, 74.

Hey, if the little girl comes by with the hard candy, swipe if you'll put them

in my purse.

Uh, is it possible you're fitting in a little too well around here?

You've never shown such an interest in artificial sweetener before.

Look, I know you think my moving out was a mistake, but I really like these

people. They make me feel young and vital. Plus, nobody here rolls their

eyes at me unless they've forgotten to take their medication.

Is this about Sidney?

She rolls her eyes at everybody.

Nothing's cool to a 17-year-old. Well, it's more than that. Dr. Lombard said I

should move out of your house if I didn't want to feel old.

Good job.

Look, everyone wants to feel like they're still young.

I know after Justin was born, I went out and bought a miniskirt.

Never wore it.

Eventually, I cut it up and made it into four potholders.

Listen, if you just accept who you are, you might just realize that the best

part of life is still ahead of you.

Yeah, well, maybe this isn't so bad.

I mean, these guys have it great.

They don't get up until noon. They drink and party all day.

Everybody here is sleeping with everybody.

And then people bathe them.

Bingo!

Ah,

to be 80.

Well, that's what you have to look forward to.

But for now, you're still young.

And not just compared to 80-year-olds.

Look at the way you live.

I mean, you'll always have that fun, unhinged, immature side.

That's what I envy about you.

You really think I'm immature?

You're right up there with those little fellas from South Park with the fresh

mouths.

Faith, we got a new card. You're in or out.

Actually, I'm out.

I'm going home.

Are you leaving us, dollface?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I'll be back for the free flu shot.

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye.

And don't forget.

If you ever have any extra glaucoma medicine, send it my way.