Original subtitles

Now, when Jay opens the door, wait for my cue before yelling surprise.

I find the whole effect is spoiled when people start shouting all willy-nilly.

Honey, your brother hasn't been a member of the family long enough to appreciate

your freakish enthusiasm for special occasions.

Hey, you know what would be a really great surprise?

If we dressed up like the SWAT team and kicked his door down.

We could rehearse on The Neighbor.

Mama! Justin just put his picking finger in the frosting.

I'm 10.

It's what we do.

Okay, guys, bowling pin formation.

Uh, can we just call that a spare and I'll wait in the car?

Surprise!

Oh.

This was all Hope's idea.

I wanted to sign you up for the Vodka of the Month Club.

Although you look like you're already a member.

Shower on the fritz?

No, neither is my phone.

So, the sooner you invite us in, the sooner we can make our awkward exit.

Well, uh, come on in.

Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting company.

Why would you want to be alone on your birthday?

You just turned to Chapter 31 in the Book of Jay, and everyone in this room

wants to read along.

That's really nice of you guys, but I'm not really in a celebrating mood.

I'm a little depressed. My girlfriend broke up with me.

Today? On your birthday? That's a classic, the birthday dump. When you

really want to stick it to the guy.

Of course, now the tragedy has a face.

Actually, she broke up with me on my birthday last year. I just thought I'd

celebrate the anniversary by spending a quiet evening in and calling her or

hanging up as soon as she picks up.

That sounds crazy. I know. I'm gonna go put on some clothes and pretend I left

that part out.

Hey, I think I just thought of the perfect birthday gift for Jay.

Leaving him alone for the next 30 years because I'll go in on that with you.

I should totally set him up with someone.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Yes, it is.

Jay doesn't need your help.

When you own a restaurant, women are always throwing themselves at you. If

you don't believe me...

Read Colonel Sanders' biography.

He got plenty of white and dark meat.

Charlie, please, being a rock star chef in Glen Falls is kind of like being the

mayor of munchkin land.

I mean, sure, you're a man of power, but at the end of the day, you're still a

munchkin.

Hey, sorry I took so long. I was hoping to give you guys enough time to take the

hint and leave.

Oh, we saw your hint, mister, and raised it.

Jay, how would you feel about hopping back on the dating horse?

Uh... Oh, my God!

I just realized!

I know a beautiful single mom, Betsy, from the PTA.

Yeah, Jay, don't forget that the P in PTA stands for parent, and the T is

something that's drooping a little too close to the A.

I'm really not that into blind dates.

Did you hear that, Hope? Jay's not interested in raising somebody else's

mistake. Come on.

It won't be a date.

Betsy and I will just drop by your restaurant tomorrow. If you like her,

great. If not, we're just two gals enjoying a pricey lunch.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to meet your friend.

Thanks, Hope.

I guess this is one of the perks of having a big sister.

And the other perk is when you come up with a really great idea, she'll steal

it and take credit for it. What?

nothing. I was just saying that Betsy from the PTA sounds lovely.

Now, which kid is hers again? The pudgy cross-eyed one or the one with the

impulse control problems?

So, I told Matthew getting picked last in gym class isn't the end of the world.

The important thing is you still got picked.

That's exactly what I told Haley when she was asked to the homecoming dance by

that odd-looking Henderson boy.

And you know what?

She danced her butt off that night.

Wow, it's a great story.

Two great stories that complement each other in a way I can't really add to.

He is funny.

Did I tell you he was funny? You are funny, mister.

Okay, time to start drinking.

Uh, Pondy, will you bring a bottle of the 2002 Cassetta Pinot Noir, please?

Oh, excellent choice. That was a great year for Pinot. It was. Wow, you're into

wine. Well, as the adult child of alcoholics, you kind of have to be.

Betsy is the resident wine expert at all of our PTA spaghetti dinners. Oh, maybe

you should come to our next wine tasting event.

Great! It's a date!

Stop it! You guys are here...

Do we owe this pleasure?

Oh, my old school friend Amber and I thought we'd have a day of shopping and

eating. Amber, this is my brother Jay.

Hey, wait a minute. Jay's a single guy. Let's get his opinion on it. Oh, okay.

Does this color bring out my eyes?

Yeah, you have beautiful eyes.

Betsy has eyes, too.

And they're perfectly symmetrical to one another.

Wow, straight eyes. Wherever did you find her?

Mind if we join?

Amber, this is my much older sister, Hope, and her friend, Betty, who's

divorced and raising a troubled child on her own. Bless her desperate little

heart.

Uh, it's Betsy. Oh, that's right. I knew it was something sexy like that.

Nice brooch, by the way.

Cat shapes are fun, aren't they?

Faith, can I speak to you for a sec?

What do you think you're doing, bringing that girl here?

What makes you think you're qualified to set Jay up? The last time you went on a

date, the word gay still meant happy.

Gay does mean happy. If you use it any other way, it just sounds queer.

And Jay does not need someone like Amber over there. He needs someone like Betsy.

A mature, responsible woman with a kid. Hope, that is baggage.

The only baggage Amber brings to the mix is a toothbrush and a muscle relaxer.

Well, why don't we just let Jay decide what baggage he wants to carry?

Well, it looks like he already has.

And it's not filled with diapers and broken dreams.

So, I see the wine has arrived.

Betsy, did you tell Jay about your recent tour of the Ohio Valley wine

country? Oh, I love touring vineyards. I've always dreamed of visiting

Bordeaux. I'm sure Amber knows a lot about wine, too, right?

Sure do.

You guys ever been snowboarding wasted?

You run into a lot of kids, but you don't care.

Aha!

Yeah, Amber just got back from Sun Valley.

Yeah, I've been pretty much banned from the slopes. It's a bummer, too, because

boarding in the spring is the best.

Just strap on a bikini and go.

Wow.

Picture that, Jay.

Are you picturing that?

Gold? Bikini?

Actually, I love boarding. I'm still learning, though. The last time I went,

I wiped out and hurt my neck.

Well, it's a good thing you met Betsy, then.

She's a chiropractor.

I'm not a chiropractor. Just play along.

Do you ever want your son to know what fathers love?

What part of your neck hurts? You know, I've been told I have magic fingers. Oh!

Then let the magic begin.

Amber, would you like to use a little olive oil on him? Ooh, someone's got a

lot of tension.

Yeah, I can't imagine where that's coming from.

Uh, Hope, perhaps if you and Betsy scooch out, Jay could lie down.

No, no, why don't you just scooch out so Betsy can crack his neck back into

place. Come on, Dr. Betsy, crack his neck. In three, one, two... I'm an

accountant, I could seriously hurt him. Crack it!

Okay, it was lovely meeting you ladies.

Hope, faith, frightening as ever.

Excuse me.

So, Betsy, have you ever considered getting a litter box brooch to go with

the kitty cat?

Honey, while you're there, could you get me some milk, please?

Sure. Don't drink it all.

You'll never know when Faith will invite one of her bosomy snow bunnies to eat

with us.

It's better than having Hope wheel out her friend to rivet us all with the

bawdy tales of the Ohio Valley wine country.

Wait, wait, since when does Mom have a friend?

Are you calling those vineyards boring?

Because I'll have you know, that's the site of the famous PTA streaking

incident.

Those vineyards have a story to tell.

Sounds like setting up Jay was a huge success.

See, I told you, women don't understand the complexities of the male species.

Dad, check it out. My pork chop's shaped like a boomerang.

Cool!

Oh, mine looks like Florida.

Well, it did. I ate the panhandle.

Mine looks like an innocent pig that's been slaughtered for your dining

pleasure.

Yeah, I see that.

Hi, Hope. Faith?

Oh, it's Jay.

And he's still talking to us. Come in, Jay.

I just wanted to drop off this key lime pie and thank you for lunch. Well,

forgive you for lunch.

And apologize for my abrupt exit.

Oh, don't worry. People abruptly exit from Hope all the time.

Well, except for Charlie, which explains the three tax deductions at the table.

The point is, I actually got a date out of it.

Really? Do you mind if I ask who you chose?

Well, most guys would immediately choose Amber because she's hot, but that's only

like half the reason I chose her.

She's really fun and adventurous, and that's exactly what I need right now. So

thanks for bringing her by, Faith.

Oh, stop.

It's not about thanking me. It's about mocking Hope.

So you didn't like Betsy at all?

Oh, Betsy was great. She was very smart and mature and seemed really into cats.

Fine. You didn't like her. No, I liked her.

Look, I brought you the pie. Can we just let it go?

I'll see you guys later.

Oh, stop gloating.

I'm not gloating.

I'm just really, really gay.

And check out this comment card.

Love the chef's special, but found the chef to be even more special.

Oh, you wrote this one, didn't you?

Oh, actually, it was Manuel in the kitchen, but I told him to keep his

hands off. You are all mine.

Good, you're a better kisser, and his goatee was overdue for a trim.

So, you almost ready to go? I mean, Amber is a dish best served hot.

Just a couple more minutes.

But I wouldn't worry.

Could always zap you in the microwave at level 10. I'm sorry, I'm really bad at

sexy banter.

Whoa, health code violation.

Kissing without a hairnet.

Sorry, our kitchen's closed.

But if I could make a suggestion, get a hobby.

Oh, I just came by to get a picture of my favorite couple to rub in Hope's

face.

Smile and say, Hope's a loser.

Well, Amber and I were just about to leave.

You know, just the two of us.

Oh, right. Well, then, in that case, I'll just take a steak and a glass of

wine to go.

Oh, and can I get one of those little ramekins filled with chives for the

potato? Oh, and a potato.

Sorry, babe, but I do owe her.

After all, she set me up with one of the most marbled cuts of meat to ever... You

really are bad at this. I am, yes.

So, how do you want your steak?

Forget the steak.

I just came to see how you guys were doing.

And I want the unrated version.

Things are great.

We've hung out every night this week. We're just so comfortable together.

She's even seen me in my laundry day underwear.

Now that's a girl you marry.

I'm just gonna close down the kitchen.

You know, the thing about Amber is she's different from the other girls I've

dated. She's just, she's so alive and spontaneous.

She's the kind of girl that sees something she wants and just takes it.

Copy that.

Charlie, we've always been close, right?

Never.

If we weren't close, you wouldn't have been able to say that.

I can't stand you.

And it's that give and take that makes us so tight.

Anywho, question.

Let's just say when you and Hope first started dating, you caught her stealing

money out of your cash register.

I'm an orthodontist. I don't have a cash register. Not important.

Let's just say Hope stole a fistful of dental equipment.

Would you want to know about it if, say, she had really, really big boobs?

So I don't want honey mustard on that or mayo.

Why do I even bother talking to a man ape that's not listening to a word I say

anyway? Hey, what's going on?

The girl Faith set Jay up with is stealing from him. What?

Damn it, I wish we weren't so close.

We're not. Goodbye.

Amber's stealing from Jay? Are you positive?

I went to the restaurant to say hi, and I saw her taking money out of his

register. Oh, my God.

Was Jay heartbroken when you told him?

I never got a chance to. I was in such shock.

How could a friend of yours do something like this?

Well, you know, she's really not so much a friend as somebody I met once before.

What? You told me you went to school together.

Yeah, terrific school.

We bonded instantly.

I mean, I knew she was good people when the instructor went to take a cigarette

break and she stole the answers to the written exam.

Oh.

Well, that's just perfect.

Come on, let's go find Jay and tell him. All right, but you better drive because

I'm still three hours shy of my traffic school diploma.

Um, Amber and I cut out early one day and took the class vehicle for a little

spin.

Oh.

Are you expecting company?

No. And there's only three people that show up here unannounced. The landlord

and my sisters.

And the landlord knows what it means when there's a sock on the door.

I'll take care of it.

Jay, Faith has something urgent to tell you about... Oh, Amber. Hi.

Faith.

Hi, Amber.

Jay.

Hope.

Well, now that we've named all the people in the room, let's move on to

inanimate objects.

Has everyone met Desk?

Jay, um, could we speak to you out in the hallway?

It's so pretty out there with the moonlight hitting the emergency exit

plan.

What's going on?

Oh, it's just a private family matter.

Maybe Amber could go to the bathroom. Do you have a newspaper or something for

her? Faith!

What is that to go on? It's just to read.

Okay, if you have something to tell me, just come out and say it.

Okay, Jay, um, tonight at the restaurant, when you were turning off

the lights, I saw Amber through that little round window in the door, and I

thought, this is like being on a ship.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Amber's a thief.

What?

When I was at the restaurant tonight, I saw you take money out of his register

and put it in your purse. I also saw your butt crack.

That's not an accusation, but I'd like to know where you got those jeans.

Are you kidding?

Okay, you're gonna believe her? She memorized the I-chart at driving school.

Faith, why would you accuse Amber of something like this? You're one of her

best friends.

Really? You said that about me? That is so sweet.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I didn't steal any money, okay? And if you want a rifle through my purse, I'll

go get it.

Thanks, Ambie. Hey, do you want to go to the beach this weekend?

What? She didn't steal anything from me.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Look, I have no friends, all right?

Look, Hope, you didn't like Amber from the beginning because I chose her over

Betsy. But Faith, why you would turn on her like this is beyond me. Jay, I know

Faith isn't the most balanced person in the world.

But she'd never lie about something like this.

You guys pushed me to be with someone, and now that I am, and I'm happy, you

come in here and you accuse her of this? It really hurts.

I'm gonna go get her, and I'd like you to apologize.

I hope you're happy.

None of this would have happened if he had just picked Betsy.

The only thing she would have stolen would have been his heart.

Look, Amber is my best friend, so will you stop saying mean things about her?

She's gone.

Gone?

Out the window, and she took my wallet and my comforter.

Oh, my God.

Jay, I'm so sorry.

Look, I know you're in shock, but you have to cancel your credit cards and

call the police and the DMV.

I can't. She stole my phone.

Here, use mine, but make it quick.

I'm about 70,000 minutes over my limit this month.

No, I just don't get it.

Why would you fix your brother up with someone you barely knew?

Because I was supposed to be the one to fix him up.

But then you had to go pull Betsy out of a hat, so then I was like, I've got to

come up with somebody now. So I started thinking, you know, Betsy, Betsy Ross,

stars and stripes, like stripes in the road, like my court-ordered driving

school. Boom, Amber.

Honestly, it would have been weirder if I hadn't thought of her.

Why do you always do this?

Why does everything have to be a competition?

Because just for once, I wanted to be the big sister.

You always have your surprise birthday parties and your scrapbook with all of

his restaurant reviews.

Now you'll have the police blotter from tonight.

Just once, I wanted my moment in the sisterly sun.

Aw, sweetie.

I've only been a big sister for five months.

It takes years of practice.

Luckily, I had you.

You're a project that never ends.

Look, you'll get the hang of it.

And when you do, you'll probably be better than I am.

Thanks.

That means a lot.

You're like my second best friend that's a girl.

Well, I filed the police report.

I didn't mention the comforter. I didn't want to get into the whole cascading

water lily description.

Um, Jay, I know this has kind of been a bad experience, but really, if you do

need someone to talk to, Faith is the sister you want.

Look, Jay, I, um...

I know this one didn't work out, but I know this great girl down at the

pharmacy. She doesn't speak a whole lot of English, but she'll fill whatever you

want without a prescription.

Oh.

So I'll call you tomorrow?

I'll be there.