Original subtitles

Zucchini tartlets, check.

Twisty cheese straws, check.

Blinking Santa pens, check.

All right, troopers, when you're done, finish frosting the gingerbread men and

then start packing the car.

Why do we have to go to Dad's office Christmas party every year?

Yeah, you know what? If we have to limbo under the dental floss again, I swear

I'm walking home.

The snow tires are officially on.

Well... Three most important ones. Just cross your fingers when we make a hard

right.

Tires. Check.

Ish.

All right. I want everyone dressed and ready for the party by 1800 hours.

Oh, I love it when you talk all military.

Sergeant Charlie reporting for Kiss's duty.

Oh, God.

I just dry heaved.

Okay, everyone.

Time to open Aunt Faith's Christmas gifts.

But Christmas is two days away.

I know. I'm handing mine out early. That way you all have time to get me gifts of

equal or greater value.

No, no, no. We don't have time for this. We have to get ready for the party.

Does that big one have my name on it? Mm-hmm.

Start opening, Justin. You first.

Cinderfella with Jerry Lewis.

This is before big money ruined Hollywood.

Oh, my God, Aunt Faith, I love it.

And if you look inside, there just might be a driver's license, Lakecia Sanchez,

age 22.

Gloria Steinem's autobiography.

You like?

Does the Brazilian dungfly carry Lyme disease? I love.

A quiet whistle teapot.

It's like you read my journal.

You read my journal, didn't you?

Christmas is not a time to worry about who read whose journal or who wants to

do what to James Spader.

And Charlie, last but not least.

Well, it's going to be awfully tough to beat last year's gift of a half-drunken

box of Pinot Grigio, but... Faith?

Is this gold?

14 carats, baby.

Everybody deserves a little blingage now and again.

Season's greetings, Charlie.

Faith, what a generous and thoughtful gift.

How could you possibly afford the... Oh, my God. What have you done?

Nothing. I was the celebrity guest at the opening of the Glen Falls Auto Mall.

All I have to say is thank God Joyce DeWitt came down with the flu.

God, Aunt Faith, this is so nice.

So, just the purse for me?

Well, Sydney, Christmas is about giving to those who are less fortunate.

Like your dad.

Charlie, aren't you going to put it on?

Faith, this is the nicest thing you have ever done for me.

And don't let the fact that you have never done anything nice for me get in

the way of that comment.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Okay, I've got all the gifts for the ladies in the office.

Check, check, check.

Did you pick up the gift for Hassan?

Oh, shoot.

I knew I forgot something.

Hassan. Ugh, I could just spit.

But I won't, because it's Christmas.

Will you calm down?

You know, he has been your maintenance man for ten years.

He's never missed a day of work.

He's always cheerful.

And every Christmas he makes that incredible dessert no one can pronounce.

Yeah, I love that stuff.

Why not just throw a vowel in there and make it easier for the rest of us?

I don't know what we're going to do. The party starts in an hour.

Wait. I think I have something Hasan will like.

It's perfect.

Hankies? Not hankies.

Hankerchiefs. Look at them. They're nice.

They come in their own little box, and Hassan is very emotional. He cries at

the drop of a hat.

You are not giving that sweet, dedicated man a box of something he can blow his

nose into.

What about your old watch?

That is my college basketball championship watch. How would you feel

if I asked you to give him your wedding dress?

It's a beautiful piece. You've taken excellent care of it.

And look, you've got the original gift box right here.

No way.

That was my big game. The score was tied.

There were five seconds on the clock. Shanowski goes for three. He shoots!

He scores!

Nothing but rim, backboard, rim, and net.

No way I'm giving this to Hassan.

He wasn't even on the team.

Give me those.

Well, look at you, Dr. Scrooge DDS.

Faith spent every last cent she had buying you that great new watch.

And you can't make one tiny little sacrifice for your most loyal employee.

You're not going to guilt me into this.

I'm putting my foot down.

My foot is still down.

Fine.

Charlie ruins Christmas for Hassan.

Check.

Sweet. Here you go. Merry Christmas.

Girls, why aren't you mingling with the other kids?

Hey, I'm here and I'm sober. Let's celebrate the little victories.

And Mom, spinach puffs in a room full of braces borders on cruel.

Stop that.

Nice party, huh?

You can keep your Coltrane and your Miles Davis.

I'll take Kenny G any day.

This is nothing.

Back when I was in Hollywood and we'd throw a bash, we'd hire little people,

dress them up as elves, and force them to fight each other.

Tell you what.

Nobody throws a party like Martin Lawrence.

There he is, that beautiful man.

The greatest boss in the world.

Congratulations on the day of the birth of your savior.

Not my savior, but we can agree to disagree.

Happy holidays, Hassan.

Hi, Hassan. Hello, pretty lady.

Your face lights up the room like the sun on the shimmering beaches of Qatar.

Well, thank you.

We usually summer in Lake Erie, but Qatar always looks beautiful on the

news.

I made you something.

Do you know what it is?

Is it our favorite dessert?

I don't know. What is your favorite?

Bubbles and busks?

You can build a 20-screen megaplex in downtown Kabul, but you can't pronounce

the name of my dessert.

Enjoy. Oh, thank you, Hassan. You're the sweetest man we know.

Oh, Mrs. Charlie, your words of compassion move me to the soul.

Boy, do I have the perfect gift for you.

No, no, me first. Me first, Dr. Charlie.

Dr. Charlie, working for you has been one of the greatest honors of my life.

I've been working on this for the past several months. It's my twelfth attempt.

I give it to you in abject humility.

Oh, Hassan, it's beautiful.

Oh, what a generous and personal gift.

Of course, you can't blow your nose in it.

In case you had a change of heart.

Fine. Hassan.

This was given to me after one of the greatest moments of my life. It means a

lot to me, and so do you.

Happy holidays.

Dr. Charlie, my clumsy vocabulary does not include the proper words of

appreciation.

But it does include the words wonderful.

Fantastic and super neato.

Did you hear that?

Not just neato, but super neato.

I feel kind of bad on Monday when he has to go back to cleaning out my spit sink.

You know what?

I think Faith's selfless little gesture has put the Christmas spirit in all of

us. Well, everyone except me. I have it 365 days a year.

Wow.

Who would have thought faith would be the moral compass for this family?

Okay, party people!

Time to get your Christmas freak on!

Guess who's got the keys to the nitrous oxide?

No. No, fate!

No!

And the three wise men followed the bright star in the night to the manger.

To see the angel of television excellence.

And Faith, isn't this a little sacrilegious?

Haley, Emmy is the holiest angel of them all. She brings tidings of fame and

fortune. Plus, she bumps up your pay scale.

You're not going to believe this.

You know that beautiful watch that Faith gave me?

Well, it stopped working. I thought it was the battery, so I took it to the

jeweler, and he said it was a fake.

He laughed so hard, his monocle fell right out and broke.

What?

That's right.

The blingage is crappage.

Well, maybe the jeweler was wrong. Oh, I don't think so. I don't think so,

because he tinkered with it for a while, and, uh... Plus, I don't

think real gold is supposed to give you a rash.

So disappointed in her.

My quiet whistle teapot was real.

Disappointed? That's the best you can do? I'd go in there and strangle her

right now, but it might color my children's memory of Christmas.

Ah, kids are resilient.

No, Charlie.

Charlie, hold on.

Maybe Faith was duped. You know she's a pushover for the shifty.

She is the president of the shifty.

And because she is such a sociopath, I don't have a new watch. I don't have my

championship watch.

You remember that one, right?

That's the one you made me give away.

Charlie, I'm so sorry. Sorry isn't waterproof to 50 meters.

You know what the worst part is?

I actually believed that Faith did something nice because she cares about

me.

Charlie, she does care about you. Don't even.

Try to sell that. Your sister doesn't care about anybody but herself.

You guys, come on. You got to see what the other reindeer are doing to Vixen.

Come on. With a name like Vixen, she's asking for trouble.

No.

I'm going to go upstairs and look for pictures of me and my old watch.

What's his problem?

Can you explain this?

What the hell is that?

It's the watch you gave Charlie.

Oh.

Well, the man in the van said it was real.

It's a good thing I didn't buy you that Ming vase.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

Thanks to your so-called generosity, I forced Charlie to give his basketball

watch to Hasan.

Hasan plays basketball?

That would explain the shaved head.

Damn it, Faith!

I cannot believe you gave Charlie a fake watch.

For once, I thought you'd done something nice for him. Okay, okay, look.

We'll just run over to the mall and buy him a real one. There's still five

shopping hours left until Christmas.

And if we hurry, there's still time to sit on Santa's lap.

No.

You are going to come with me to Hassan's, and you're going to explain to

him why we have to take the watch back.

Then maybe this holiday won't be a complete bust.

Okay, fine. But before we go...

Can you please run upstairs and change?

I sort of gave you that sweater as a gag gift.

Okay, this should be easy.

I put on my gel boobs, I'll let them cop a feel, we get the watch back, and then

we're out of here.

Your boobs will neither be touched nor referenced.

Are we clear?

You know, at least I stopped. I gotta question how bad you really want to get

this watch back.

Mrs. Charlie and Mrs. Charlie's sister, please come in.

Camels weep when guests wait in doorway.

It's good to see you again, Hassan.

This is an unexpected visit.

Can I offer you a Baruch Moli?

Or perhaps an Arnold Palmer? Oh, I think I'll roll the dice on that first one.

We're fine, thank you.

Hassan, my sister has something she wants to tell you.

Okay, here's the thing, Hassan.

That watch is set to detonate in three hours. Stop it.

What my sister's trying to say is,

Remember that watch Charlie gave you? Funny story.

I'm afraid he gave you his championship basketball watch by mistake.

This is funny... how?

Okay, it's not funny, ha-ha. It's more funny, oopsie-doopsie.

Oopsie-doopsie.

What we're saying is we need the watch back. Is there an ETA on that Baruch

Muli?

He wants me to give it back?

Yes.

But there's something else.

And this is the part I am proud to tell you.

He wants me to give you this beautiful engraved fountain pen instead.

Oh, wowee.

It's just that watch meant so much to me because it belonged to Dr. Charlie.

No, but this is super neat, too.

Oh, thanks for understanding.

Hassan Junior!

See, I let my son wear the watch.

Yes, Papa?

Son, you know that watch Papa gave you?

Well, these women need it back.

What have I always tried to teach you?

That sometimes things in life aren't fair.

On second thought, why don't you just keep it?

Really? Yeah, and you know what else?

Keep that engraved fountain pen, too. I mean, after all, Glen Falls isn't

exactly crawling with Hassans now, is it?

Oh, thank you. Thank you both. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Hey, is there any chance I can get that Baruch Muli in a

to-go cup?

Bye-bye.

What time is it, son?

It's 6.30.

Okay, that's enough rehearsal. Let's get to school.

After all, there is no Christmas carol without Tiny Tim.

Okay, plan B.

Just don't talk to me right now.

Oh, come on, Hope. We can fix this.

We? No.

There is no more we. You ruined everything.

In fact, I think we'd have a better Christmas without you.

Wait, Hope?

Come on, it's not too late for a Christmas miracle.

Oh.

Amir.

Wow.

Thanks, Sydney, I... don't usually spend a lot of time worrying about my

appearance.

I know.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, what time is Aunt Faith gonna get here?

How would I know?

I don't know what time it is.

It just doesn't feel like Christmas Eve without Aunt Faith saying yule log and

giggling.

What? We're not enough for you? She's not coming, all right?

Now someone open a damn gift.

Well, let's hope Santa put some PMS pills in Mom's stocking.

And maybe a couple in Dad's.

Sorry I'm late.

Where you been?

I get to get to sleep. The big guy's coming.

I was doing some last-minute shopping.

Happy Christmas, Charlie.

Everybody says Mary. I thought I'd shake it up a little.

What a beautiful fake watch.

I'll fake cherish it forever.

I can't believe you did this again.

No, see.

Open it.

It's not a fake.

It's a genuine Tag Heuer Monaco.

Come on, Faith.

You know you didn't get a real watch. You can't afford it.

I... I sold Miami.

You what?

I pawned it.

Emmy's the only woman that can fetch that kind of money in Glen Falls.

Faith, that Emmy means everything to you.

Faith, this is very thoughtful.

Why would you even think that you had to give me such an expensive gift in the

first place?

I guess I just wanted everything like it was before.

Back when I was a celebrity, I used to come to town with all sorts of expensive

gifts, and you guys always seemed so happy to see me, and now I just feel

like a big nuisance most of the time.

Honey, we didn't want you around because of your fancy gifts or how much money

you spent on us.

It was that you took time out from your glamorous life to come to this little

town in Ohio and spend Christmas with your family.

Really?

Wish I had known that a few years ago. Hayley's pony wasn't exactly easy to

ship.

Okay, Faith, this is crazy. We are going to get your Emmy back. No, I don't want

it back.

You entirely mean more to me than any old stupid statue.

Really?

Well, I'd throw you all over for an Oscar, but for now...

You guys, come on. It's a Wonderful Life is starting.

Yeah, come on. Oh!

Come on.

Christmas cheer throughout the Shanowski household.

Check.

Okay, now can you take that sweater off?