Original subtitles

So, Faith, in our last session, we talked about setting up some goals for

you. Have you given any thought to what those goals might be?

I'd like to get a long black winter coat.

Well, let's look beyond your catalog post-its.

How about career goals?

Last time, you spoke about how much you missed Hollywood and acting.

I do.

I mean, I used to have my very own square on the Hollywood Squares.

Now whenever I hear Louis Anderson for the block, I just want to gag.

The man's got no range.

All he plays is fat guy. Plus, we had a very ugly breakup.

Doing a game show doesn't have much to do with acting, does it?

Well, I miss acting.

You know, playing scenes of passion or jealousy.

Say nothing of schizophrenia.

What? Who said that? I did!

I bought a pool and a house off of mental illness.

Well, I'm sure you did, too.

Actually, my husband slipped in the post office.

That paid for the pool.

But if you miss acting, perhaps there's an outlet for you for your creative

energies here in Glen Falls.

Well, I tried, but Hope won't act out scenes with me anymore. She says I get

carried away and I make my slaps too real.

Well, there must be a way for you to practice your craft without having to

rely on your sister. Some local venue, community theater, open mic night. Some

place that you can get in touch with the performer inside you again.

Well, there is this one-woman show concept that I've been toying with.

Care to pony up the half mill to get it up and running?

You could always send that clumsy husband of yours to go buy more stamps.

We're divorced.

If you don't mind.

This is my session.

Hey, put that back.

These are for the Great American Bake Sale.

Isn't this exciting? Right now, across the country, people are having bake

sales to raise money to end child hunger. Hey, there's a hungry kid right

here. That's all I'm saying, people.

You're going to freak out when you hear who's going to be performing live in

Glen Falls.

The Deaf Miss America.

I know, because they told us at school.

Oh, and guess what?

No, no.

Me.

I'm going to be performing at that coffee shop better latte than ever.

My therapist said that I needed to find a creative outlet, and so when I went to

grab a cup of coffee after therapizing, I saw that they had a flyer up for a

poetry slam, and I signed on as Faith Angelou.

Oh, like after Maya Angelou?

Oh, no, no, no. It's a combination of Angelina Jolie and Lou Diamond Phillips.

Mm, Lou Diamond Phillips. What a hottie.

Hey, I'm not just all about books, you know.

I didn't know that you were into poetry.

Oh, it's not about the poetry.

It's about the performance.

There's an audience, a mic, and you can say whatever you want, as long as you

say it with dramatic pause.

Well, I think it's great that you're getting back on stage again.

Ooh, maybe you can give a shout-out to the Great American Bake Sale.

Yeah, I'm sure all the other poets are covering that.

So, uh, tomorrow night at 6.

Sid? Oh, once again.

Oh, you'll be there, right?

Of course.

Oh, wait, tomorrow night?

Oh, shoot.

Charlie's getting an award tomorrow night.

And what bunch of goobers are honoring him?

It's the Glen Falls Optimist Club.

They're giving him an award for his lectures on encouraging kids to put down

the chronic.

and pick up orthodontics.

Anyway, I have plans.

Come on. I was really counting on you being there. This is really a huge step

for me.

You know, just one friendly face in the crowd.

Well, Charlie has won the award three years in a row, and those optimists are

really huggy. I mean, if I'm not your kin and I didn't go to high school with

you, a handshake will do.

All right.

I'll ask Charlie. Oh, you're the best.

Now I better go practice my slamming.

Faith goes back up to her room.

Everybody watches her beautiful, beautiful ass.

It's always beautiful when it's leaving.

So, Faith asked me to go to her poetry slam tomorrow night.

Oh, scary prospect.

Lucky you don't have to go. Tomorrow night's my Optimist Club thing.

Sometimes life just works out.

Well, actually, Charlie, tomorrow night's a pretty big deal for Faith. You

know, getting back up in front of people and performing again.

And you have won the award before.

So you want to skip it?

No, no, no. I don't want to, but would you mind? Hey, it's fine. No problem.

Are you positive?

Hey, I'm an optimist.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting some tonight.

You are an optimist.

On the cusp of the world.

The Gaza Strip, highways of war, searching for detours of peace.

See? You can do it on any old crap.

God, Dr. Lombard was so right. Just the idea of performing again gets my blood

flowing. You know, like you when you buy a new apron.

Elsewhere, Kalashnikov rifle slung low, young boys there.

childhood. Gone there, Afghanistan.

Have you given any thought to what you might riff on?

You know, what you're gonna throw down? Don't do that.

You can't think about these things. You just have to go stream of consciousness.

Shhh.

Bombs. Boom.

Bullets. Boo. Boo.

Landmines.

The bloody waltz of governments.

Shall we dance?

These college kids are so gloomy.

I remember when I was a young co-ed, I just wanted to go out and have fun.

You know what they need? A good old-fashioned pep rally and a homecoming

dance.

Yeah, I think those are the kinds of things that pissed them off in the first

place.

Once again, the Optimist Club is proud to honor Dr.

Charles Shanowski with the Glasses Have Full Award.

And of course, behind every great optimist, there's a great optimist.

Stand up, Hope.

Actually, Hope couldn't make it tonight.

Oh, so sorry. Or as we optimists would say, two dinners for you.

Thank you, Madam President, distinguished optimists.

You know, I wasn't always the can-do guy that stands before you tonight.

Without the...

Positive influence of my beautiful wife, Hope, who couldn't be here tonight

because she's out doing her own good works.

Supporting someone we're already supporting and may never leave.

But it's all good, right?

Of course it is. Who am I talking to?

The glass is half.

Fairfield Angelou.

I'm sure most of you recognize me from my role as Ashley Storm on The Sacred

and the Sinful.

Okay.

Not a TV crowd.

I dig it.

Just start. Remember.

Stream of consciousness.

people. Um, that's a little piece I like to call Bombs, Guns, Wars, Bad Stuff and

Mean People.

Just rip on something you know.

Uh, shoes, purses, jewelry, what are things that are glittery?

I was once a star.

Shining.

I watch my sister waking, faking, give and taking,

standing in her kitchen baking.

120 more dreams to put in the oven and burn. Can't she learn?

Lunchboxes, school shopping, cleaning.

Is that a life?

Not to me.

I watch her and wonder when her life came down to a cupcake.

To a brownie dyed blonde like her hair.

Before it turned gray from the ashes of burnt dreams.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. That piece was inspired by my sister Hope and the great

American bake sale.

And there she is now, my muse. Stand up in those flower-dusted shoes, Hope, and

take a bow.

She's, uh, she's too shy.

Shy sister, meek sister, too scared to speak sister.

And the eighth grade wouldn't even give a peek, sister.

Hope, where'd you go?

You should have come out with us. We left the coffee shop and we went to this

little hole in the wall where the coffee tastes like crap, but the proceeds don't

go to the man.

Can you move?

Please?

It felt so right being on that stage again tonight. The lights, the applause.

The adoration of people I normally wouldn't give the time of day to.

How could you say my life is all about baking?

Excuse me.

I have to flip the crispies so they don't burn like my dreams.

Got my award.

Going to bed.

What a crappy award. This thing's half empty.

You know what she did?

She spent the whole poetry slam slamming me.

That is not true. I talked about how I didn't want to end up like you.

You know, I immortalized your wife in my poetry, and this is the thanks I get.

You think that guy from Nantucket ever complained?

Now, he had a big grin and wiped off his chin, and, well, you know the rest.

She did not immortalize me. She mocked me.

You know, Hope, You chose to go with Faith, okay? So I'm just not in the mood

to hear you bellyache about how bad it went.

You said it was okay if I skipped your thing, and now you're mad at me? I

wasn't mad until they introduced you and you weren't there.

I mean, everybody else's wife was there. Even Carl Henderson's wife was there. I

mean, if a woman with a 50-pound oxygen tank can drag her ass out of bed...

Well, she brought the bed with her, but still!

I'll make it up to you. You can't.

And you know what else you can't do? You can't put yourself in this picture with

me and celebrity guest speaker Lou Ferrigno.

It's too late.

Forrest Gump to shake hands with Richard Nixon, we can get you in that picture.

I thought therapy was supposed to be helping you become a better person.

You can't even be considerate to your own sister.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, all right?

Well, sorry is just not the time.

Oh, come on, Hope.

Come on, how can I make it up to you?

Sister mad.

Sister sad.

Sister's muffin ain't half bad.

This morning was even worse.

Charlie's not speaking to Hope. Hope's not speaking to me.

I had to have Justin make my breakfast.

Do you have any idea what a bag of gummy worms will do to an empty stomach?

Faith, you haven't told me what the issue is. Why are your sister and

brother-in-law angry?

Well, I suppose that's something you're going to have to ask them.

Well... They're not my patients.

And frankly, I have my hands full since I have been seeing you. I've had to drop

three other patients.

And my Pilates class.

Oh,

excuse me.

Yeah? Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Priya Chatterjee. She

called, said she found my wallet.

Here it is, kind sir.

I took it from your dresser this morning.

What the... Why would you do that?

Because I knew you'd never admit that you needed therapy.

Them crazy ones never do.

Dr. Lombard, I got the message you want to talk about Faith.

Thank you for your immediate response. I would have called sooner, but I had

Pilates.

What's going on here, Faith? I just thought that Hope and Charlie would

really benefit from a session with you. With or without the puppets, your call.

Yeah, we don't need therapy.

Oh, wait, please don't go.

Dr. Lombard is really good.

She diagnosed me with narcissism, which has something to do with me being really

beautiful.

Faith, will you let it go? Hope and I just had a little argument. It was no

big deal. But Dr. Lombard said I have to take responsibility for my actions.

You see, Doctor, when I was on stage, I poked a bit of good-natured fun at Hope,

who did not take it the way it was intended.

Really?

Well, then, how was it intended?

Because I can tell you how it turned out. My husband's mad at me, I was

humiliated in public, and now I have to find a new place for my morning

mochaccino.

Okay, okay, clearly you people are not leaving, so sit, sit, sit.

Faith, now.

How would you feel if Hope got up on stage and made fun of you?

Hope on stage?

You ever watch Paint Dry, Doc?

Really? You don't think I could get on stage and slam on you?

You always do whatever you want and you don't care about anyone else because

you're a self-centered, unemployed egomaniac!

Word up.

Ouch! Where did that come from?

See, Faith?

When people say hurtful things, it's hurtful.

Doctor, don't talk to her like she's an eight-year-old.

Aim lower.

You know, Faith, I happen to think my life is very rewarding.

And as for the baking, I was trying to do something for other people, whereas

all you think about is yourself.

That's not true. I was thinking about you and Charlie, which is why I tricked

you into coming here.

That is a small step.

Don't forget, Hope, for Faith to think about anyone other than herself is

rather momentous.

I also gave a dollar to a hobo.

Sure, it was a video emporium dollar, but still, he could use it to buy tapes.

Now, is it possible that you might have felt some need to put your sister down?

What do you mean, need?

Perhaps belittling her makes you feel better about yourself.

Oh, my God.

I make fun of Hope so that I feel better about myself.

As I just said.

If you're so smart, let's see you fix Charlie, and quick, we got nine minutes

till that weird thin girl shows up.

I don't have the feeling that Charlie wants to engage, so... Well, actually...

Since we're here.

I am a little upset that Hope blew off my thing so she could be with Faith.

I was humiliated in front of the Hulk.

Hey, I asked him first.

Yeah, you did.

But I'm your husband.

And for once, I don't want to be asked. I want to be chosen.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I should always choose you.

Break out the puppets! We're losing her!

All right.

Do you know the person that I am concerned about here?

Hope.

It must be difficult to be always in the middle.

Well, it does get kind of tiring.

Of course it does.

Attempting to make time for two people who are at odds with each other,

competing for your attention.

And the thing is, I never want to let either one of them down.

Yes.

And when do you have time for your own needs?

Not very often.

So?

Okay.

I want you to tell me what you want, so I don't have to always guess.

And I want you to tell me what you want a little bit less.

A lot less.

I will. I can't.

Faith.

I'll try.

Better.

Well, we have made some excellent progress here.

But in the future, it would be great if the people you brought weren't punked

into it.

You know what?

Cindy's at home with the kids. Why don't we all go somewhere nice for dinner?

I'm in the mood for French.

No, that's too heavy. Chinese.

No, I feel like Italian.

No, no, no. What happened to what Hope wants?

Yeah, we're sorry.

I'll tell you why.

Let's just go home and you can cook whatever you want for me.

Yeah, that'll work. That'll work.

Here's my card.

I suggest twice a week to start.