Original subtitles

That was fun.

We should go to the spa together more often.

Yep. Nothing says happy awkward birthday like a bikini wax with your mom.

Hey, isn't that your Aunt Faith?

She is the only person I know with a kill animals love fur bumper sticker,

so... Poor thing.

She was still in bed when I left the house this morning.

That breakup with Goo just really hit her hard.

Does she look upset to you?

Well, all I can see is the back of her head.

I know, but she really wears her emotions in her hair.

I'll just call her.

Why didn't she answer my call?

You know what, Mom?

Relax. I bet that she's just not getting good reception here or something. I'll

try her on my phone.

Oh, hey, Sid. What's up?

Not much. Uh, what's... What's up with you?

I'm sorry, Sydney. Could you say that again? Some moron behind me was honking.

Nobody's trading for my lunch tomorrow.

Oh, can you not scream so loud to call me for dinner?

Mrs. Bencher's cat just keeled over.

Well, I suppose I could just call you on your cell until your dinner's ready.

But who knows if you'll answer?

What do you mean?

You didn't answer when I called today.

You called today?

Huh. My phone's been on the fritz. Oh, remember... Fritz Barton? I wonder if he

ever got that kidney.

Don't change the subject!

I was in the car behind you. I saw you look at your phone and not answer.

Oh. Well, I was driving, Hope. You know how distracted I get when I talk and

drive. Or talk and walk.

Okay. You answered Sidney's call not two seconds later.

Okay. What is it with you and your perpetual quest for using the facts to

prove a point?

I just wasn't in the greatest of moods today, as you may have noticed by my

hair. And I knew that if I answered your call, that you would make me talk about

it. On the other hand, I knew that Sidney and I would probably just talk

about casual stuff.

What do you mean, casual stuff?

You know, like gossip or nail polish or sex.

And how wrong it is.

I was just checking on you because I know how down you've been since the

breakup with the Gooch. I know you are, Hope.

But right now, I really just want to handle the breakup by myself.

Fair enough.

No more questions about the breakup.

It's not just the breakup, Hope.

It seems like lately you've been nagging me about everything.

My love life, my parking tickets, my career.

Um, Faith.

If a career falls in the forest... Face it,

Hope. You're a fixer. That's what you do. You fix things.

And I'm your favorite project.

To you, I'm just a lab rat with flawless skin.

That is so not true.

Do you guys think I'm always trying to fix Faith's life?

This is one of your best looks.

Love the look.

I see.

What, do you think I enjoy cleaning up your messes all the time?

I think you live for it. Oh, please, that is just ridiculous.

Hey, whatever you say.

Oh, darn, now my dinner's cold.

Oh, here, let me nuke that for you. Ha-ha!

That is it. I am done helping you out.

Fine, fine.

Oh, but could you come up to my room later and help me hang a picture?

Sure. Dance, puppet, dance!

Oh, PokerZeus34, you are so bluffing.

I'm all in, baby.

A straight flush?

Damn!

Should have seen it in your beady little typing.

I'm with a patient.

Hey, honey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, normally I'd be having lunch with Faith.

But since I don't have to follow her around anymore, putting out her little

fires, I can finally get some extra time with my happy girl.

I'm so happy to see you.

We haven't had a lunch together since the Friday before Faith moved in.

You know, I never realized how much time she takes up. But those days are over.

Great. I've been craving chili cheese fries all morning.

Good thing we brought two cars.

Anyway, I have something even better.

Sprout salad, pounded skinless chicken breast, and food fries.

They're made from tofu.

Doctor's orders.

Your arteries will thank me later.

Is this about me not cleaning out the basement? Because I was going to get to

it.

Ashley, I was thinking we could storm the basement together.

I even bought some of those jars so we could separate your screws and nails.

Won't that be fun?

That depends.

You're going to be naked?

I noticed the aquarium in the waiting room was a little murky.

The sign that says, Melbourne, 6,000 miles, you can barely read it.

Well, I think that kind of helps with the deep sea mystique.

Yeah, but it's not good for the fish.

Well, the fish aren't really swimming to Melbourne.

That's not the point.

I can tell exactly how someone's going to take care of my teeth by the way he

takes care of his aquatic environment.

So, the first thing I think we should do is go out and get one of those, you

know, algae brushes and scrub that tank like good.

And then I thought we could get one of those little pirate figurines that waves

when the bubbles go by.

Kids just love pirates. And it doubles as a filter.

And then we just have to agree that the gravel, it just needs some refreshing.

Thanks for helping me with my checkbook, Hailey.

I actually need to practice.

It's been a while since I've done basic subtraction.

Usually your mom does it for me, but all I ever hear is, who spends $300 on a

pair of jeans?

Except she calls them dungarees. That really makes my skin crawl.

Hey, if you're subtracting, how come the amount in my account keeps getting

bigger?

Because it's negative.

then I better write myself a check to cover it.

Hi.

Hey, Mom.

Faith. Hope.

So, not that I really care, but I noticed those parking tickets are still

on your car.

Oh, you don't have to remind me, Hope. I can remember all by myself.

Once I hit 15 miles an hour, they start flapping around like an angry peacock.

Just as long as you know that they're there.

Am I saying?

Of course you know that they're there.

You always pay your parking tickets on time.

And you certainly don't need my help.

Well, look at you, just itching to help me out. You're dying to pay my parking

ticket.

No, I'm not. You know, I should let you help me figure out where I'm supposed to

send these things just so you can have your fix.

It's right on the back of the ticket. Don't help me, junkie.

I have much better things to do with my time.

then not help you.

By the way, nice dungarees.

Beautiful shot.

Looks like Charlie Schnauzi's got Tiger Woods by the tail. You know, a lot of

people don't know, but Charlie is also... Hey, buddy, could you keep it

down? This is kind of all I have in life.

Sorry.

Sad, lonely fan.

Don't you just hate to see that, Steve?

Honey, keep your head down.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just thought we could spend some time together.

Oh, you're just popping up all over my day, aren't you, sweetheart?

First my morning jog, and now here.

Where were you when I was in the shower?

had to get out of the house. Faith's been driving me crazy trying to prove

she doesn't need me.

So I thought I'd, you know, blow off some steam by hitting some pills.

Blasting a couple of pellets.

Where'd you learn to talk like that?

Guy at the pro shop.

You want to hand me your driver?

It's time to let the big dog eat.

I don't like this.

See, honey?

I think the problem is you're not keeping your lower body quiet.

And then you're losing your grip on your follow through.

Wow, she really crushed that thing. Shut up.

Remember, follow through.

Honey.

I have been playing golf since I was in my teens.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Is that why that groundskeeper just dove into the bushes?

Honey.

You know, if you want me to, I can come by any time you're here and give you a

couple of pointers.

That'll be just super.

Your sister is driving me nuts.

She is out of control.

She's trying to fix my golf swings, trying to spruce up the fish tank in my

office, and she's got me wearing boxers.

And I'm all over the place.

So now you know how it feels.

About hope, I mean. I don't wear underwear.

You have got to get her out of my hair. I need you to need her again.

Well, I just don't.

I'm sorry, Charlie, but I'm not going to have my sister following me around like

some understudy waiting for me to break my leg. Well, you know what?

Tonight's my big night. Now I'm going on.

Yeah, okay, I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you going to help me or not?

No way. Oh, come on, please.

I don't know if I can take another day of this. First, she was just fixing

things, but now, now she wants to spend all her free time with me, and that is

not what I signed up for when I got married.

And why should I help you?

Because you live in my house rent-free. You eat my food.

Please, you hardly know I'm here.

Oh.

But there is something you could do for me.

Name it.

As you know, independent people like myself have a lot of plates to spin.

And one of mine comes in the form of a bunch of stupid unpaid parking tickets.

How stupid are we talking?

Give or take $262.38.

Done. And a little walking around money. Too late! Damn!

I'm so glad I finally convinced you to splurge on the Great Barrier Coral set.

I'm really glad after a long day at work, I get to spend these extra hours

at the office with you.

I got you a new fish.

I named her Goldie Floss.

Don't worry, I'll rename you later.

I have another great idea.

What do you think about putting some of those neat colored footprints, you know,

on a trail to the bathroom?

And then at one point, we can do two left feet as an inside joke.

Two left feet.

Oh, God.

Oh, honey, can you get that for me?

Hey, it's Faith.

Look, Hope, Faith's calling.

Hey, Faith.

You didn't pay your ticket so your car was impounded?

That's awful.

Here's Hope, impound lot inspired.

I'm sorry, Faith, but I'm really busy right now. But I'm sure you can handle

this all on your own.

She hung up on me.

I'm sorry. No money, no car.

Here's the thing.

I brought the cash, but I accidentally forgot the late fee.

And here's my thing. See, I'm really smart, but I just accidentally work here

and... Not the Pentagon.

Look, you can see that I'm good for it, just like I can see that you should be

working for the CIA, Hussein.

He was once a proud name, that jerk.

I can't believe you just turned your back on Faith.

Well, she said she didn't need my help, so she's not getting my help.

But she's your sister.

Charlie, you've said so a thousand times yourself.

Sooner or later, Faith is going to have to learn to stand on her own two feet.

True, but what's the rush? I mean, what if she does become more independent?

Next thing you know, she won't need us at all.

She'll be able to support herself and maybe even move out.

Now, is that what we really want?

What has gotten into you?

Nothing. Nothing.

No, no, no, no.

You have never wanted me to help Faith out. What is going on? Nothing. What

is... Why do you think something has to be... Have you done something with your

hair? Yes.

Because it looks really... like, blonder.

Okay, fine.

I might have told...

Faith, to come up with a problem and ask for your help, it's not blonder.

You look like an angel.

Why would you do that?

It's just that... since you haven't been spending any time with Faith, you've

sort of been focusing all your extra energy on me.

Really.

Focusing.

So now you think I'm fixing you too much.

Luminous.

That's the word. Your hair looks luminous. You know what? I'm not going

to help you out anymore either.

You can go back to your musky tank water and your spastic backswing and your we

are the world waiting room music.

What did you do to the waiting room music? I knew it sounded weird in here.

Hey, everybody likes soft jazz.

trapped in your car.

Oh, vicious dogs.

Of course.

Nice try.

Charlie already told me he put you up to this.

No. Oh, I'm really trapped. Don't hang up.

You know what, mister?

You want me out of here so bad? Fine.

You can just arrange your parrot booty all by yourself.

Hey, honey.

Honey, let's not argue in front of the fish.

and a rabies shot?

Nice try.

You ripped your clothes so you would look like you were attacked.

Oh, my God.

You're hurt.

So you were really trapped?

And there was a dog?

Dog? Try dogs, plural.

Vicious, salivating, unneutered dogs.

Unneutered?

When I close my eyes, I can still hear the thwack, thwack, thwack as they ran.

How could you not answer the phone?

I thought you said you didn't need my help anymore.

Well, during the three-mile run home, I had a moment of clarity.

So now you do need me. Yes.

Yes, I do.

Look at this.

We don't hang out for a couple of days.

I'll outsmart one, but I was no match for the whole pack.

Always the same.

Ever since we were kids, I've always had to bail you out of things.

Maybe I'm just lightheaded from the loss of blood, but I think you're right.

You know, maybe sometimes I... I do need to fix people. But that's only because I

grew up with...

Somebody that always needed fixing.

Kay, can I get some kind of painkiller with this lecture?

Come on, Faith.

All right.

I suppose I am responsible for making you the... caring monster that you are

today.

That's all I'm saying.

Aw, good.

You two made up.

Still miffed at you, though.

Fine.

At least I didn't waste eight bucks on these.

Hey,

these only cost eight bucks.

I do a lot of dental work for the folks down at Floral and Hardy.

I'm sorry about before.

Me too.

From now on, I'm not going to fix anything for anybody unless they come to

me first.

Sounds good to me.

Oh, and, uh...

You're going to have to change that in a couple of hours.

But I'm not as good at it as you are.

Plus, I'll probably forget.

I'll do it.

Thanks. Oh, actually, honey, I could use a little help with something, too.

What do you need? Give me back my tighty-whities.

I can't do this anymore.

I feel like I'm on a high wire without a safety net.