Original subtitles

Honey, I know you're enjoying our new steam shower, but could you turn it down

a notch? I need to shave.

Although, this stubble does make me feel kind of dangerous.

It's been a while.

Maybe I should just knock down that shower door and take what's mine, you

know.

Make your day.

I'll tell you what'll make my day.

Run to my bedroom and get my good shampoo?

Oh, scratch that.

I don't want you in my bathroom.

Too personal.

Hope!

What did I say about my new steam shower?

That it's super awesome and you wish you could marry it?

No. No, that your sister is not allowed to use it. That it's my sanctuary.

My special place where I go to unwind.

Like you do in the laundry room.

That's what I do in there. I unwind.

I'm just saying, Faith needs to respect our boundaries.

Uh, speaking of boundaries, your mom's coming on Friday.

Maybe you could set a few with her.

What do you mean?

What do I mean? Charlie, she always stays longer than she says she will, and

she takes over the whole house.

The woman even brings her own toaster.

Yeah, well, with any luck, Faith will take a bath with it.

Edward was driving me crazy, and I thought, why not go somewhere I'm

wanted? Really?

You thought that?

Is that breakfast I smell burning?

Don't worry.

I brought my toaster.

Ah! I was hoping you would.

Joyce! Hey!

Somehow you manage to get more beautiful every time I see you. Oh! I've been

using this new cream. It's banned by the FDA.

It's made from baby bald eagles.

Babe, we're setting a new boundary.

Stay out of our new steam shower. Charlie, is there something you'd like

to say to your mother who's here three days early?

Just, um... It's good to see you, Mom.

Thank you so much for my bracelet grandma. I love it

You know, it's just too bad that Grandpa couldn't be here. Well, he wanted to,

but the Freemasons are going to a sweat lodge this weekend.

God forbid he should choose me over a group of naked men.

He knows naked men are available on the Internet, right?

So, Joy, since you're without the old ball and chain, that means you can bunk

with me in my apartment over the garage.

Apartment, Charlie?

You didn't tell me you had an extra room. He doesn't. We don't. You can't

stay here. I mean, longer than the week we agreed to.

We're so glad you're here.

And, Justin, I brought a very special gift for you. Your father's old BB gun.

Wow! Oh, my God!

My old Steve McCream with a pump-action handle.

with a gun, he's still a weenie.

No, no. No, no.

Sorry.

Guns are too dangerous.

Oh, come on, honey. I'll put the gun in a safe place and Justin will only be

able to use it under my supervision. No, never mind, Charlie. Obviously, Hope

resents when I bring gifts to the children.

I do not.

Sure sounds that way, Hope.

Come on, Mom.

Please?

All right.

Hope. Now, I have one more special gift. This necklace belonged to my mother.

Being able to keep it in the family means so much to me.

Joyce, you shouldn't have.

Wear it in good health, Faith.

Oh!

I will, Joyce, I promise.

And, Hope, I got something for you at the airport.

supposed to leave today her flight is in four hours and she hasn't even gotten

out of bed although on the bright side i have never gotten so much use out of one

of her gifts gosh that burns you

know that's just bloody mary mix right it's the motion the motion soothes me

oh good morning everyone why did faith and i tear up last night.

Joyce even got herself a little tattoo.

What? What is that supposed to be?

It's Herve Villages.

It's a tattoo of tattoo.

You have a tattoo of tattoo?

Oh, come on. It's temporary.

It's been so nice to have someone fun to do things with. If only it didn't have

to end.

But it does. Save travels.

Well, Mom, we're going to miss you, but I'm sure Dad will be happy to get you

back. Well, Charlie, since you brought it up, this is difficult to say, but I'm

leaving your father.

Hey, that was easier than I thought.

What? Yes, and I owe it all to Faith.

You do?

She told me that if there's someone in my life who doesn't make me happy, I

should get rid of him and move on. What about Dad?

He won't care.

Just watch.

He'll care.

He's gonna be devastated.

Don't worry, Charlie.

Once she hears your dad's voice, I'm sure she'll realize she made a big

mistake and I can get off the sauce.

Hello?

Edward?

It's Joyce.

Shanowski!

Edward, I just called to tell you that I'm leaving you.

Charlie, he wants to talk to you.

Hi, Dad.

Uh-huh.

What?

I'll talk to her.

I can't promise anything.

Mom?

Dad wants his toaster back.

Oh, you were right, honey, about taking a jog.

Nothing takes your mind off your parents breaking up like getting chased ten

blocks by Anderson's ferret.

Do you know they can jump?

I think he just got shirt, but check and see if he got some skin.

I don't see any skin, but somebody's getting a spare tire.

What's wrong?

My mother.

In my shower.

Naked.

Charlie? In the kitchen?

Box of shorts.

Charlie, just tell her we don't want her in our shower. We don't want her plastic

carpet runners.

Or her...

Big number phone. No. That was the greatest shower I have ever had in my

life. What a treat.

Well, I'll be in my room. I mean, Faith's room.

At home.

How about we don't fry everything?

Charlie's about five pounds away from getting man boobs.

Hey, Hasselhoff, cover up.

All right.

That's it.

I'm calling my dad right now.

Hey, Dad, it's

Charlie.

Shanowski.

Listen, you need to come up here and work things out with Mom.

But good.

I'll look forward to it.

He's coming? No, he's watching the War Channel.

But he's calling back right after the Russians win the Battle of Stalingrad. I

can't believe it.

His wife is leaving him and all he cares about is some stupid documentary?

I love documentaries.

I just saw one on the porn industry.

Or maybe it was just a porn.

Anyway, it was good.

Great. So your mother's just gonna live here forever?

What am I supposed to do, Hope?

It's hard enough that my father doesn't seem to want her.

You want me to just kick her out?

Hope, the woman is going through a very hard time right now.

I mean, all she has in this world is a failing marriage and a son with man

boobs and a tattoo on her ankle that's, um, well, never coming off.

And besides, she's staying in my room, and I say she can stay as long as she

needs to.

Can I have Aunt Faith's bed?

What? Well, it's out on the curb, and I'd really like to get it before a dog

pees on it.

My bed!

Oh, my bed.

So,

roomie, what do you think?

Joyce, why is my bed on the curb?

I'm sorry.

Did you want to donate it to charity?

I just didn't think poor people would want to sleep on a round bed.

Now, I'm thinking this wallpaper with this color trim.

What do you think?

Joyce, you are a great girl, but this is all moving way too

fast. I want you to know that it's not you, it's me.

I just got out of a very serious roommate situation with Sidney.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to just dive back in.

No, I'm sorry.

Of course, Faith.

I had no idea you were on the rebound.

Oh, well... And I just want you to know that you're welcome to stay

here till you find your own place.

That's a good one!

Joyce, I'm sorry.

I'm laughing because that's just so...

out of the question.

Faith, this is Charlie's house, and I'm Charlie's mother.

You wouldn't expect me to move out, would you?

Really, Joyce?

Leaving me in stitches here.

Use a coaster, dear.

You know, Mom, this is my coffee table.

Charlie, you're an orthodontist, not a Kennedy.

Although you do drink like one.

Has anyone seen Faith today?

Oh, she's probably out apartment hunting.

Apartment hunting? Yes, she's moving out.

She is?

Yeah, and I'm moving in.

I'll get the shot glass.

Edward!

What are you doing here?

I'll tell you what he's doing here. He's come to tell you that you're a fool for

throwing away 40 years of marriage just to steal my lousy room.

Oh, and he wants you back. Tell her, Ed.

This isn't a birthday party for me.

Nutcase dragged me off the golf course in the middle of the best round of my

life. You know, it's amazing.

As soon as Joyce left me, my slice disappeared.

That's funny.

I remember the problem being with your putter.

Come on, you guys. Dad's here. Let's just all sit down and talk this out. Or

better yet, why don't we talk this out while we move Joyce out of my room? Come

on, Charlie. I got a sports bra that should fit you.

Babe!

You and Edward have been together for over 40 years.

What happened?

I can't stand the way he breathes.

Now, Joyce, you knew he breathed when you married him.

He holds his breath, and then he makes this terrible exhale.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It sounds like a man taking his last breath.

If only that were true.

That's it, Mom? The way he breathes?

Come on.

We all have to put up with a few things. You think I like it the way Hope slurps

her soup?

It's not a slurp.

It's called a French sip.

Yeah, well, it's gross.

Little things are easier to handle if you're still having sex.

So Dad's breathing. You trying no strip?

Charlie, it's okay.

We can talk about this.

Every couple experiences ebbs and flows.

Even Charlie and I are going through a bit of a trough, if you will.

A trough?

It's just that lately your mojo's been a little lojo.

What? We have... relations?

Of course we do.

And when we do it, it's wonderful.

It's just that...

Lately, we just haven't been doing it as much as we used to.

Yeah, well, we used to not live with your sister.

I mean, it's hard to have... relations when she's always in

our shower or walking in on us whenever she has a bad dream.

Oh, so I'm just supposed to stay in my room when all my stuffed animals come to

life?

You know what, Charlie?

Your mother's just as annoying as my sister. Well, I don't know where all

this hostility is coming from.

I do. You're a pain in the ass.

Now, do you see why I can't put up with him anymore?

Why? I mean, we're making such progress here. Edward, you have to breathe less

and have sex more.

And maybe you should try experimenting a little. Have you considered bringing a

third person into the mix?

This is bull crud. I'm going to my room. My room! That's my room!

How's it going?

Justin, I told you never to touch that gun without me present. I didn't shoot

it. Haley did.

I was only shooting at soda cans.

Oh, that's no fun, Haley. What you need is a moving target like a bird or a

squirrel or someone who won't get off your back.

This is exactly why I did not want guns in the house. It's just too tempting for

kids. Haley, someone could have really gotten hurt.

I'm sorry.

Okay, you know what?

We'll deal with this later. Both of you, upstairs.

Hope, as usual, you're overreacting.

All right, Mom, that's enough.

Hope's right.

The gun's got to go, and I'm sorry, Mom.

But so do you.

You're welcome to visit.

But you have to leave when you're supposed to, and you can't bring your

appliances. Except the toaster, because that really is superior.

And as for you, Faith... Charlie, I already know what you're going to say.

And you're welcome.

Stay out of our bedroom. In fact, from now on, you're not allowed upstairs at

all. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, maybe that's not for you to decide. This is Hope's

house, too. I agree with Charlie.

Then you're not allowed in my... room either. Fine. You can clean it up

yourself.

That went poorly.

So, uh, Mom, can I help you pack your things?

Okay, then.

I'll just go somewhere I'm wanted.

Try Fallujah.

Dad, come on.

Alright, fine.

Why don't you come back home?

Really?

Why should I?

Because I need you.

Oh.

Well, you've got this new microwave. I can't figure out the right time for

popcorn.

Edward Lincoln Chmielski. Oh, come on, Joyce.

You know I'm no good without you. It's like Patton without the Third Army.

I don't know what that means.

It means that I love you.

So come on home.

Please.

No.

Please.

It's not enough that you love me. I know you love me. You just have to show it.

It's not about sex.

I just want us to do things together like we used to do.

Well, all right, fine.

I'll go with you to the farmer's market on Sundays.

And? And I'll take those mambo lessons you keep yapping about.

And? And I'll let you go first at checkers.

Strip checkers.

Believe it or not, it was Haley again.

It was also Haley that chipped the new tile in your shower and stole $20 from

Hope's purse.

You know what? I'm going to go talk with her right now.

Hey, honey.

You know, laying down the law with my parents and faith was the best thing I

ever did.

What do you say I wash your back?

Okay, just don't agitate my sciatica.