Original subtitles

Here you go.

Enjoy your picnic.

Watch out for Yogi and Boo Boo.

I can't believe how well my picnic baskets are selling.

I can't believe my headshots aren't selling.

That wind machine cost me a lot of money.

What are you working on there?

A screenplay.

I'm tired of waiting for the perfect role to come along, so I decided to

write one for myself.

Really? What's it about?

The Faith Fairfield story.

Kind of like that Ray Charles movie, only a little more inspirational since I

had more to overcome.

Remember my lazy eye?

I remember the lazy part.

Anyway, all I need is some rich businessman to finance it.

Well, good luck with that.

I signed us up for the rehearsal hall at 3 o'clock.

Justin and I are doing a duet for the school talent show.

I thought you were going to sing by yourself. I was, but apparently one of

the kids has to be in it.

Excuse me, are you the creator of these wonderful baskets?

Yes. Well, I'm throwing a cocktail party honoring Clifford Bing for donating

money to our music department, and I need a really good creative caterer.

Isn't Clifford Payne, like, rich?

Yeah, he owns, like, half of Glen Falls.

Oh, I'm not a professional caterer. Oh.

That's only because she doesn't pay taxes.

Oh, that's just great.

We're accepting proposals tomorrow at the Glen Falls Executive Suite. There's

my card.

What did you say, then?

I'm not a caterer, and I pay my taxes.

Come on, Hope.

I need a job.

God knows you need a reason to get up in the morning.

And if this all goes well, you could own 25% of my catering company.

Okay, so I do all the cooking, and what do you bring?

My name, Hope.

Do you really think that Paul Newman makes that salad dressing?

Or that Sally Fields makes those cookies?

Or that Glen Campbell makes all that soup?

Celebrity sells hope.

Excuse me.

Can I get, like, 20 of those?

See? I still got the sizzle. Matter of fact, give me all you got.

I'm over at the fry booth. We ran out of newspaper to catch all the grease.

So who should I make these out to?

Now look, we really want to get this job, so why don't you not speak at all?

But I prepared the menu.

And the budget.

Well, all right, fine.

But is that what you're going to wear?

I thought I would, since I'm wearing it.

And we're here.

I got a good feeling about this, Hope.

I think we'll look back and remember this as the first day of the rest of my

life.

You know what, Faith? I have to say, it's great seeing you excited about

something else besides acting. Hey, save the butt kissing for Arlene.

Okay, ladies, you're up.

Arlene, you look lovely. Did you lose weight?

Well, maybe just a little.

I want to remind you, the hotel will provide the waiters, but you will be

responsible for your prep staff.

Great.

Here's our proposed menu and budget.

So, Arlene, Clifford Bing?

Nice guy?

Approachable? Brings his checkbook to events?

So, as you can see, we've added a touch of everything from Asian to

Mediterranean. It looks delicious, but I know that Mr. Bing is looking forward to

more of a seafood buffet.

Ah, that's our specialty.

Shrimp, lobster, caviar, blowfish.

Blowfish? Isn't that poisonous?

Oh, everything good is.

Look, Arlene, we'll dress this dump up and give it a whole oceanic theme.

Everyone will find Nemo delicious.

It'll be a fishtacular.

A fishtacular.

I see it.

I'm sold.

No one else can do seafood on this budget.

Let me get the paperwork.

Are you out of your mind?

How are we supposed to do all that?

We can do anything, Hope.

That's why we named our company. You gotta have faith.

No, we didn't.

Then why is it on our business cards?

You made business cards?

Yeah, but two names cost more, so you'll have to write yours in.

Faith, we cannot afford to do a seafood buffet. Sure we can.

We just won't pay the prep staff.

And how are we supposed to get a prep staff to work for free?

I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

But you four give me your best here tonight, and I can guarantee that you

might have a future with You Gotta Have Faith caterers.

And I want you to stay positive.

Stay enthusiastic.

And stay the hell away from the buffet!

If I catch any of you stuffing your faces on the job, you're fired!

I think what Faith is trying to say is, thank you all for doing this.

Good caterer, bad caterer. I like it.

You heard me, people! Now move, move, move!

Faith, why don't you go out to the banquet room and check on everything?

I'll start sending out the appetizers. Fine, but remember, we only have ten

oysters, so tell the waiters to keep that tray moving. You only bought ten

oysters? What?

You mean caught.

And let me tell you something. Those mamma jammas can swim.

Faith,

everything looks wonderful. People are raving about the food.

Have you heard about our special entertainment?

Mr. Bing's favorite singer, Mr. Barry Manilow, is going to be here.

Isn't that exciting?

Well, it would be if I was a heavyset woman with a gay best friend.

Personally, I'm more excited to see Mr.

Clifford Ka-ching Bing.

Oh, well, he's right over there. Oh, excellent.

Would you excuse me, Arlene? I have to make an important calamari.

Tar-tar, as we say in the trade.

I got it.

Is this real fur?

Of course.

Then I'll just hang it up by a trap so it feels comfortable.

Okay, you two, break time. Why don't you run outside and get some fresh air? But

it's cold out there.

So? Grab a coat.

Cool chinchilla.

Where's Faith? The sirtuna corn cakes with crumb fresh and caviar haven't gone

out. The what? The smelly fishy things.

Go take those out. Look for your aunt.

This is a lot of work.

Are you sure you want to go into the catering business, especially with your

sister?

Charlie, this is for my sister.

Faith is really excited about us being in business together.

I haven't seen her this excited about anything, except acting.

What about when the new phone book came out?

Well, to be fair, her name was in it.

The point is, this might be just what she needs to move on with her life.

You know what?

I think she's given up on Hollywood.

Excuse

me.

Faith Fairfield, star of TV stage, a fire safety video to fulfill a court

order.

And soon, the big screen.

How do you do?

What I'm offering you, Clifford, is the opportunity to get in on the ground

floor of, and I don't want to oversell it here, the greatest movie ever made.

The Faith Fairfield story.

Picture this.

Faith Fairfield presents a Clifford Bing production of a Faith Fairfield film

starring Faith Fairfield.

I'm not interested.

Fade in. Glen Falls, Ohio, 1975.

A beautiful little girl is covered in chicken pox.

She desperately struggles not to scratch.

But she does.

And forever has a tiny little scar right here. Can you see that?

And to this day, she still struggles to go sleeveless.

You can't make this stuff up, CB.

I'm in a meeting.

Steven Spielberg is on the phone for you in the kitchen.

And she's really angry.

Will you excuse me, CB?

Spielberg really wants to get in on this picture, but I mean, come on.

Schindler's List?

It was all right, but it was no Hogan's Heroes.

Excuse me.

Wow, Aunt Faith, you look beautiful.

Maybe you could wear that to the school talent show.

Justin, it's a fourth grade talent show.

I gotta show a lot more skin than this if we're going to win.

If you'll excuse me.

Thank you.

You two keep your mouths shut and I'll let you check coats at the Oscars.

Here I am.

Where have you been?

I don't have time for small talk, Hope. Now quick, hand me another tray of

those. Smelly fishy things.

Why are you wearing those earrings?

What? A caterer can't accessorize?

What's next, Hope, huh?

We can't vote? We can't marry? We can't ride in the front of the catering truck?

This is America, Hope.

Or at least it used to be.

What are you doing?

What? So now a caterer can't wear couture?

Where does it end, Hope? Faith!

All right, look.

I pitched my movie to Clifford Bing, and he seems pretty intrigued.

I think he might want to finance it.

Ow! I cannot believe you. You never wanted us to go into business together.

Catering isn't my dream. It's yours.

No, it isn't. Well, it should be. You looked happier scraping crap out of the

shrimps than you looked on your wedding day.

I guess I was just hoping you had given up on Hollywood.

Why should I give up on Hollywood?

Because it's given up on you.

I'm sorry, Faith.

But what is so wrong about having a normal life?

Normal lives are for normal people, Hope.

And I am abnormal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important business meeting to finish

over by the shrimp tempura, which, by the way, is a little soggy. There, I

said it.

There you are, CB.

Now, I've told you all about the protagonist of the Faith Fairfield

story, but I have not yet told you about the villain.

It's her evil older sister, Dope, who tries to keep Faith down in Glen Falls

because she's insanely jealous of her fame and fortune.

Have you told them about your palatial estate over my garage?

Oh, great.

Excuse me.

Faith, the only reason Hope is doing this whole catering thing is to help

you. But as usual, all you want to do is help yourself.

Just for that, Danny DeVito is playing you in my movie.

Could you help me with this?

Sure. Oh, don't rub it in. Let me get some club soda.

So, is our...

Guest of honor enjoying himself, I hope?

Well, I'm trying to. But this ditzy blonde keeps trying to sell me on some

crazy screenplay.

You mean Faith Fairfield?

I noticed she was here.

She's an amazing actress.

Wow. If she says she has a screenplay, I bet it's fantastic.

I'd sure invest in it.

But I'm just a totally unbiased caterer who loves a good biopic like the rest of

America.

There. All out.

Thank you for your help.

Here you go.

You know, you really amaze me.

You're always helping me out no matter what.

Ah.

Go put your pretty dress back on and talk to Mr. Bing. Nah, that can wait.

I want to help you out for a change.

I mean, you may think...

that you've done all this for me.

But look around you, Hope.

You're the star here.

I mean, your slimy little crusty things on toast, people love those.

And those crumbly little throw-up doodads, they can't get enough of them.

You were born to do this.

Because of you, this party is a hit.

This party is a disaster.

It is? Why?

Mr. Harry Manilow's plane has been delayed.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Arlene, what is the name of this company?

Excuse me? What is the name of the company you hired to cater this party?

You've got to have faith. Exactly. So have some. Now, get out there and stop.

What do you think you're doing?

What do you mean?

It's showtime.

May I have everyone's attention?

Oh, boy.

What's going on?

Barry Manilow is late, and Faith has a plan.

Faith has a plan?

The four scariest words in the English language.

I regret to inform you that Mr. Barry Manilow has been delayed.

Oh, no.

But we still have entertainment.

Please join me in welcoming the musical stylings of me, Faith Fairfield.

You grab the kids, I'll start the car.

And Justin Chinowski.

Hit it, Chi-Chi.

You're the top.

You're the Coliseum.

You're the top.

You're the Louvre Museum.

You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss.

You're a bundle bonnet, a Shakespeare sonnet, you're Mickey Mouse.

You're the Nile.

You're the Tower of Pisa.

You're the smile on the Mona Lisa.

I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop.

But if baby I'm the bottom, you're the top.

You're the top.

You're Mahatma Gandhi.

You're the top.

You're Napoleon Brandy.

You're the purple lights of a summer night in Spain.

You're the National Gallery, you're Garbo's salary.

You're sublime.

You're a turkey dinner.

You're the time of a derby winner.

I'm a toy balloon that's fated soon to pop.

That's my boy.

And the flat one lives over my garage.

It was a wonderful party.

And Clifford loved the entertainment so much, he doubled his donation to the

music department. Bravo, bravo. Thank you.

I'm proud of you, honey.

I'm proud of me, too.

Three more people asked me to cater their events.

Actually, four.

But one of them wanted Justin to pop out of a cake.

How much did they offer?

I thought you were just doing this catering thing for faith.

Well, so did I. But you know what?

It's time I did something for myself.

People love my funghi crostinis.

Those crumbly little throw-up doodads.

Those are tasty doodads.

I really want to do this.

And I think I'll call my company, There's Always Hope.

And Faith.

Congratulations on a great party.

Oh, well, I couldn't have done it without you.

So, when's our next big event?

You really want to do this?

I thought you were abnormal.

You know what I realized, Hope?

You're pretty abnormal yourself.

And together, I think we can do some pretty substandard things.

What do you say?

I'd say you need to buy a dictionary.

If I agree to do this with you, you can't just quit.

You have to make a real commitment.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, and I already got us another gig.

But Justin has to jump out of a cake.

No, no.

I'm not letting Justin jump out of a cake. Why not? Because.

What are you talking about? It's a weed-free cake. What could be bad?

I don't care what kind of cake it is. Oh, please.

He is not.