Original subtitles

This car is such a lemon.

I could walk there faster than this.

Come on! I haven't got all day!

Oh, I beg you. There's a great cliff right around the corner.

I hope Handsome Hal is here. God, I love his commercials.

The man is a genius.

I don't see him.

He's near.

I can smell his cologne.

It smells like... Dollar bills, baby!

Hi,

handsome Hal. Well, if it isn't Faith Fairfield and her beautiful sister. Hi.

I loved your last commercial. Where did you ever find a cowboy hat that big?

Great to see you again, HH.

No offense, but I'm a germaphobe, and you look like a carrier.

I completely understand.

Now, what can I do for you two lovely ladies today?

Look, handsome Hal, I did a commercial for you a while back, and not only did

you mock me in it, but you also gave me this clunker. Now, I demand you trade it

in for a brand new car. Trade it in? Is that what you want? Come on over here.

Look up there.

Do you see the sign that says trade-ins?

No.

Exactly. There are no trade-ins. You gotta pay to play on this lot, baby.

Yeah, no cash, no flash.

Another great catchphrase. The guy just can't turn it off.

Hey, Dad.

Junior, Junior at work. I'm the boss, not your big daddy. You got that?

Sorry, handsome Hal.

Look, the Fisher's have five kids, and this is what they can pay for the

minivan.

Oh.

Did I tell them to have five kids?

No! You get back there and close the deal before she pops out another one.

Now let's see, where was I?

Oh, yes.

No trade-ins!

Not even on your rug?

Because that rat on your head looks like it's about to wake up.

What she's trying to say is, Would you at least be willing to negotiate?

Well, if you have a price in mind, I'd be more than willing to consider your

figure. Oh, you should look under her hood.

I have no idea why I just said that.

I was thinking more along the lines of Faith doing another commercial for you.

Are you kidding?

Her act is tired. I'd get a bigger spike out of my prostate x-rays.

I don't want handsome Hal. I don't have to take this abuse. There are a lot of

other ways for me to get around than to stand here and beg you for a car.

Charlie, help!

Push me home!

How far is that cliff?

Hey, Gooch.

I've been thinking.

Maybe I could have a nickname, too.

What do you think of... The Chooch?

Don't you think it's a little close to my name? Yeah, I thought of that. I

thought of that, so...

I also came up with the Schnauzkuch.

Oh, thank God I'm home.

I just witnessed firsthand the painful reality of human suffering.

At the hospital?

No, on the bus.

I just spent 47 minutes in between a barefoot hobo and a boy made of snot.

You know, when I grew up, my mother took the bus every day to work, and she never

complained once.

Isn't there a skank somewhere that needs groping?

As a matter of fact, there is. Can I join you for a jacuzzi?

I thought I wasn't your type.

You're not, but every now and then, I like to perform a selfish act for a fan.

You cocky, pathetic has-been.

You're picturing me naked right now, aren't you?

Hey!

What is going on here?

Faith aggravated the gooch.

Don't listen to him, Hope. He's blinded by his man crush.

I do not have a man crush.

You know, I should go.

I was headed for the batting cages anyway.

Hey, hey, Gooch, wait up. For the Chanel's Gooch.

The Chanel's Gooch?

I had to call him that last night when we were... When

we were doing it.

who's got a big old cookie.

I didn't know you lived... I thought you didn't need me.

Actually, I... That I was old news.

Well, I... So I guess you realize that Faith Fairfield really is a star.

My God, do you ever stop talking?

Sorry. Let the begging begin.

Look, Blondie, I didn't know you lived here. The Gooch isn't home. I wanted to

leave this here for him.

What do you want with the Gooch? Well, I was hoping he'd come to my nunya party.

What's a nunya party?

None your business.

Well,

I hope you're not expecting him to do a commercial for you. Especially not after

I tell him how your trademark is mocking celebrities.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, no?

Fine. Deal time!

What do you want? That cute little red sports car I saw on the lot yesterday.

Sold! But you gotta promise me you're gonna bring the gooch down to my lot

tomorrow and convince him to do my commercial.

Done. And I get the cookie.

And not only am I handsome, I'm delicious.

Look, I'm kind of busy right now.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, then. See you later.

You're right.

I should probably talk about it.

I got mugged on the bus.

Sorry to hear that. See, I knew I could count on you. Now, are you sure you want

to do this?

Do what?

What you said.

What did I say?

That we were going to go down to Handsome Hal's auto lot and... The man

that exchanged my car for a new car so I never have to ride the bus again. I

didn't say that. I know. You didn't have to say that because you're not a man of

words. You're a man of action.

Look. All right.

If I do this, you have to promise to stop blasting the national anthem over

and over again when I have a date in the jacuzzi. Hey.

I happen to love this country.

Fine. Take a road trip. See it all.

By bus. Okay, all right. Fine, fine. Deal.

Jumpin' Jackie Chan.

Well, if it isn't Gary the Gooch Gutierrez, the best switch-hitting

shortstop in the game.

Handsome Hal Halverson, welcome to my lab.

Thank you.

Faith here tells me you sold her a lemon, then refused to exchange it. Hey,

Gooch, you know what they say. When life hands you lemons, get a good lawyer.

Because I'm not taking it back.

Well, we tried.

Sorry, Faith. Get a bike.

Come on now, Gooch. You're not going to take that from this two-bit used car

salesman, are you? Hey, if there's anything used around here, doll, it's

you.

Hey, watch your mouth.

Aw.

You're right, Gooch.

Totally out of line.

Maybe there's something we could work out here. You know what I'm saying?

Man to man, motto a motto, Gooch to handsome.

Surely, two guys with great nicknames can make a deal.

Don't listen to him, Gooch. You're no match for him. He can't be trusted.

What do you have in mind?

Let me think.

Let me think.

Bingo! Yes!

Yes!

I just so happen to be shooting a commercial here today.

And if you were to do a little cameo for me, I'd give Faith a new car.

I don't think so. I'm very selective with my image. You can't imagine the

damage a single condom commercial can do.

Nothing's getting through my glove.

That was a mistake.

Well, fair enough.

Sorry, ladies. I guess he's just not interested.

Aww.

Who are they?

Oh, uh, that's Brandy, Candy, and Sandy.

They were gonna be your co-stars.

But no thanks.

Whoa! I think Brandy just kissed Candy.

On the other hand... Hey, I am being incredibly selfish.

You do need a new car.

you feel good about tricking the Gooch into doing a commercial with Handsome

Hal. Hey, everybody got what they wanted.

I got a new car, Hal got a new commercial, and the Gooch got three new

chances to catch the clap.

But when Handsome Hal humiliates him in his commercial, he's going to know you

set him up, and he's never going to speak to you again.

Yeah, all that and a new car. This is like the best day ever.

Hey.

Nice ride.

Hey, Gooch.

Thanks again for helping me get this car.

No problem.

How about a beer?

Oh, no thanks.

No, I meant how about getting me another beer from the ice chest down there?

Here.

Come on.

Why don't you sunset with me?

Brandy, Sandy, and Candy weren't available.

You really think you got my number, don't you?

So what time are they coming over?

Nine, ten, and eleven. I staggered them.

Doesn't it ever get old?

Yeah, you would think.

So you're never going to settle down?

If I found the right girl.

She'd have to be a saint.

An 18-year-old giant-breasted saint.

Do they have you?

If they did, I'd be Pope.

Well, I should probably go. People see a girl on a guy's roof, they start to

talk.

Hey, I might be getting offered to play baseball again.

Wow, Gooch, that's great.

Yeah.

You know, I really lost my confidence when I let that ball go through my legs

during the World Series.

It's the worst moment of my life.

Oh, well, I don't think anyone remembers.

Really?

Do you know what they call that error now?

A goocher.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you know what they call it when a soap

star gets fired and then burns down the studio?

A faither.

So, what team did you get the offer from?

The Hiroshima Carp.

The Hiroshima Carp?

Holy mackerel.

I'd be playing Japan, but I'd be playing again.

Right? Wow, Japan.

It's really far away from here.

Yeah, I mean... It's not where I imagined my career ending up, but...

Look, I love playing baseball more than anything.

But do you ever feel like just giving up on your dream?

All the time.

But you can't.

Ever.

I mean, if you're really passionate about something or someone, you just

gotta go for it.

Yeah. What are you passionate about, besides acting?

Well, I've always been fascinated with the Orient.

Suddenly.

Just for the record, I was kidding about Sandy, Brandy, and Candy. I didn't do

that commercial for them.

I did it for you.

Oh, Gooch.

The commercial!

What about it? Nothing.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Are you coming back?

Faith?

Faith?

Hey, before you go, can you throw me up another beer?

Still got it.

I thought you said you didn't care if the Gooch looked like a fool in the

commercial. People change.

Do you see me bringing up the time you called Boy George the sexiest man alive?

I was 15, and there was something about him.

Was it his gayness?

Look, Hal has the hots for you, so we're going to need to use your... Look, if I

can't get through this with a straight face, please forgive me.

Your sex appeal.

He has always.

Fancy me.

He's a used car salesman. I wouldn't let it go to your head.

Cut that clip.

Loop that line. A few more frames and the gooch is mine.

Hey there, handsome.

How?

Well, what are you two doing here?

What do you want us to be doing here?

Take off your top. No!

Handsome Hal, I was just wondering if, in all your handsomeness, you'd consider

not airing the Gooch commercial.

Are you kidding?

I just finished cutting it! And it's fantastic!

Better than that, it's Hal-tastic!

Hey, Dad.

I mean, Handsome Hal.

I brought you these quarterly reports.

Can't you see I'm with people?

Now you sit on this stool over here and wait for me to speak to you.

Look, handsome Hal.

You can't air that Gooch commercial.

I'll give you the car back, but you just can't air it. I thought we were a team,

Twinkles. What changed your mind?

The Gooch.

I think I love him.

Well, call the concierge because you need a wake-up call. The commercial is

going on the air whether you like it or not.

You mean... this commercial?

You're not getting out of here with those tapes. Fine! Hey!

Hey, wait a minute! Stop that! Stop it!

What are you doing, you idiots?

Don't do this, Dad.

She loves him.

But you don't know anything about love. Of course I do.

Then why haven't you ever said, you love me?

God, here come the waterworks. Say it.

Say it. All right, all right. I love you.

I love you too, Daddy.

I love you because you're my only daughter.

Now let me go, Nancy.

Never.

Never.

Wow.

Talk about a dysfunctional relationship.

I know.

Could you imagine having to work with those two?

Go, go, go!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about. Hey, now.

Hey, Gooch.

Can we talk?

We're kind of busy.

Sure, come on up, please.

What? I thought we said no girls on the roof.

Hey, Charlie, can you give us a minute?

Oh, no.

Not faith.

Say it ain't so, Gooch.

Sorry, Shanaska Gooch.

Schnauzkuch. But, you know, Schnauzkuch is cool, too.

In fact, I like it even better.

So what happened to you yesterday?

I had to tie up a couple of loose ends.

But what do you say we pick up where we left off?

Yeah, what was that?

I think we were right about here.

Handsome Hal!

Unlike the Gooch here at Handsome Hal's, we never let a deal roll through our

legs. Isn't that right, Gooch?

Don't ask me. I'm just a dumb jock.

That weasel must have had backup tapes.

You knew about this?

Um, did I not mention that he occasionally mocks celebrities?

We won't tell you down the river, will we, Gooch?

I mean, there's always an animal.

In my commercial, I was a donkey.

Well, that makes sense.

Because you're an ass.

Oh, come on, Gooch. Hey, where's your sense of humor?

Hey, come on, don't be like that.