Original subtitles

Straight A's.

We are so proud of you, buddy.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's talk toys.

You know, Justin, instead of a toy, I've been investing my rewards in an IRA.

By the time I retire, I'll have enough for a condo in Florida. Not Waterfront,

but Waterview, certainly.

I want a rocket.

A rocket? No, I'm sorry, Justin. That sounds dangerous.

Guess what?

We got jobs!

We're going to be sales associates at Fitzgerald and Kent.

Wait a minute. We never said you could get a job.

What do you mean?

All you've been saying for months is you want me to get a job so you can kick me

out of the house.

Not you, Sydney.

You're kicking Sydney out of the house?

You're not getting a job.

All right, fine, but I'm going to need some walking around money.

Not you, Faith. We're talking about Sydney.

You know, Charlie, a job might not be a bad idea.

It'd teach her some responsibility and keep her out of trouble.

Charlie, relax.

I'm going to be there with her the whole time.

And look, if it's guys you're worried about, don't. They're going to have to

crawl over me to get to her.

And I mean crawl all over me.

All right, Sidney, you can take the job. But if your grades start to suffer any

more than they already do, then you have to quit.

Thank you, Daddy.

Oh, my God. Do you know what I just realized?

If we put my 50% discount together with your 50% discount, we get everything for

free.

Oh, my God. You totally outsmarted the system.

Oh, my God.

This would look so cute with your good butt jeans.

I already spent my first paycheck. Honey, you have to think ahead to your

second. It's called managing your money.

Code red, code red. We've got a fashion emergency over by fitting room two.

Sweetie, sweetie, that's all wrong. What we need to do is draw attention away

from your big butt and up to your big boobs.

Here, try this on.

Okay.

Hey. Hi, Jake.

Hi, Jake.

I just wanted to say you guys are doing an awesome job.

So are you.

Listen, my fraternity's having a party tonight.

Here's a flyer if you'd like to stop by.

I'd really like to see you there.

Okay, oh my God, how cute is he?

Check out the code red over in tank tops.

Okay, people, break it up. There's nothing to see here. We'll handle this.

Mom? Hey, how are my working girls today?

What are you doing here? Are you trying to embarrass me?

Maybe. I want to do a little shopping.

Ooh, pretty radical, right?

Hey, you're back from the toy store.

So what'd you get?

An action figure.

Oh, cool. Let me see. What is it? Another army commando.

Nah, I already have three of those.

But I don't have her.

You got a Jolene doll.

Yeah, and look, she comes with firmware, a handbag, and 16 fashion

accessories. How cool is that?

That's what he chose?

A doll?

I have a baseball mitten. You don't have a problem with that. Well, that's

different. Why?

Are things associated with girls somehow inferior to things associated with boys?

No, of course not. I just meant that... I know exactly what you meant. And it's

just that kind of thinking that perpetuates antiquated gender

stereotypes. Which is why we continue to live in an atavistic society where there

is an inherent inequality between the sexes.

Or is that what you want?

Of course not, honey.

I didn't think so.

Where's the dictionary? What the hell did she just say?

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Somebody put out the fire because I am smoking.

Hello. I'm Sydney's mother.

I'm Jake, the manager.

Your daughter's doing a great job.

Hey, when you get a chance, can you fold the sweaters in the storeroom?

Sure.

Oh, he seems nice.

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't know. Why don't you get off my back?

Do you have these pants in a six?

Oh, you know what? Sure. Let me go get them for you.

So, what do you think?

I think you should shop online.

Now take that off before you old it up.

So, uh, what's the deal with this Jake guy?

Well, I don't think he's seeing anyone, but I seriously doubt he'd be interested

in you.

I'm talking about Sidney. Oh.

There's nothing going on there.

Don't you worry.

Aunt Faith is on the case.

Just consider me your mole.

You know, among all your other moles.

They're called beauty marks.

That's the spirit.

Why don't you go over to the big and tall store? First time people get their

pants let out for free.

Oh, my God, Anthony. You totally missed it. Jake was flirting with me. No way.

Yes way. Can I tell you something?

Jake's the only reason I wanted to work here. He went to my high school, and I

had, like, the biggest crush on him.

You mean you only took this job to be near a guy?

Sometimes I see so much of myself in you.

Okay, Aunt Baby, don't tell anyone, but I've decided that he's the one. Oh, my

God! Wait, the one what?

The one I'm going to lose my virginity to.

Oh, my God.

Sydney, did you fold those sweaters?

Oh, you know what? I was making a sale. I'll go do it right now.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's talk about this. Not now. I don't want to get fired. Then Jake and I will

never hook up.

Uh, Dad, I don't think Justin should be playing with the Jolene doll.

No, honey, you know, you were right. I thought about it, and it's perfectly

fine for a boy to play with dolls.

After all, we don't want to live in an atavistic society, do we?

Maybe you better take a look.

What you doing, buddy?

Playing three-day leave.

Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Where's your Jolene doll?

Inside the tent.

With Sergeant Warden.

Doing what?

Build him a house.

Thanks again for shopping at Fitzgerald and Kent, where showing skin is always

in.

Guess what?

If I sell 50 more dollars in merchandise, I can afford everything I

already bought.

Sydney, I thought I told you to fold the sweaters. I did. Well, that's weird,

because you were the last one in there. Gee, I'd hate to see you get fired.

Fired? Well, then I quit, too. Come on. We'll get better jobs. Wait a minute. I

didn't do any...

There's an easy way to find out who did.

No, there isn't. Is there?

What's that?

Security footage.

Well, that tape only proves one thing.

But I'm going to need a copy of last night's tape from when I closed up with

Ricardo from men's underwear.

I can't believe you tried to get me fired. I was just trying to protect you.

You sound like mom.

Trust me.

You don't want to lose your virginity to some guy you're not even in love with.

Well, why not?

I mean, I have to lose it sometime, and I worshipped Jake in high school.

Everyone did.

Sydney, sit down.

Losing your virginity is a big deal.

It should be special.

Why?

Because... It just should be. Don't

you watch TV?

Look, Aunt Faith, maybe sex was special in the 1920s.

But times are different now.

Look, Sydney, you might not understand this right now, but your first time, you

never forget.

You're going to carry that memory with you forever. And trust me, you want it

to be a good one.

Was your first time good?

No, it wasn't.

It was awful.

It was with Randy Richter in the back of his purple Gremlin.

There was dog hair all over the seats.

Su-su-studio was playing on the radio.

My head kept hitting that brake you use when you park.

The parking brake. No, no, there's a name for it.

Anyway, you know what the worst part was?

The next day, he dumped me.

Really?

Were you bad in bed?

As if.

And that's not the point.

The point is, do you want to be telling a story like this to your niece 15 years

from now?

No, I... I guess not.

Thanks, Aunt Faith.

Anytime.

I'm exhausted.

I, uh, think I'm gonna go to bed.

Night, sweetie.

Oh, and for the record, I do not sound like your mother.

She is nasally and shrill.

I hope.

Where are you two going? Toy store.

Long story, don't ask.

And by the way, Hope, you're welcome.

For what? For talking Sydney out of losing her virginity to Jake.

What? Oh, come on. He was too young for you, and you know it.

Oh.

I better go talk to her. Hope, I took care of it. It's a mute point.

Besides, she went to bed.

To bed?

I told you, she's sleeping.

Pillows in the shape of a body?

That's genius!

Where is she?

Don't worry.

I think I know.

But we're gonna need these.

How was your day?

Uh, good.

You? It was good.

It was good.

Do you still play tennis?

You were so good in high school.

You knew me in high school?

Yeah. Yeah.

I was a freshman and you were a senior.

Okay, remember the time in the cafeteria I dropped my tray and you helped me pick

it up and then you told me that my hair smelled really great?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still smells great.

Do you have any candles?

No.

Like this.

music. Do you have any music?

Sure.

And now, our rockin' 80s weekend continues.

Vasco, sit down.

I thought you said this was a toga party.

Yeah, imagine how embarrassed all these people must be.

Hey, this is the last room.

Sydney's got to be in here.

Freeze! Hands where we can see them! Sydney, honey, you don't want to do

this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were my... But you're not.

Thank God.

And I'm not your mother, so... Carry on.

Although... If I was your mother, I'd tell you that virtue is like a white

piece of paper.

Once you make a mark, you can erase and erase.

But it will never go away.

Right.

Thanks a lot, lady.

How

was your

night?

It was good. It was good.

How was yours?

It was good. It was good.

Is your mom crawling in behind you by any chance?

No. Why?

Because she left a note.

She and Aunt Faith went to look for you.

Well, that's weird.

I mean, I didn't see them at the library.

You're absolutely positive she left? Hey, I drove her home, Mrs. Shanowski,

and I promise you, nothing happened.

You better not be lying, Buster. Hey, why are the strippers leaving?

She is not a stripper.

But for the right price, I could be.

Let's go home.

I have to talk to Sidney.

Not so fast.

No one gets out without doing a keg stand.

Listen here, young man.

I am a mother. And there is no way I'm doing a keg stand.

Now step aside.

Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

Your mother must be worried sick. I can't even imagine the state she's in.

Mom!

You're in big trouble, young...

Grounded for a month? God, that's so unfair. I mean, I left, didn't I?

You're lucky you were able to. What if he hadn't let you?

Your mother's right.

The fact that you would go to a fraternity party all alone with such a

casual attitude about losing your virginity scares me to death.

You may think you can give it up to any old Tom, Dick, or Harry and feel good

about it, but trust me, you won't. To be fair, she wasn't going to have a

threesome.

And I think we can all take some comfort in that.

The point is, I didn't do it.

What changed your mind?

Aunt Faith.

I mean, I just kept thinking about that Randy Richter story that she told me.

You told her my story?

That was your story?

Well, I couldn't tell her about my first time.

It totally rocks!

So you weren't a virgin when you married dad?

What?

All right, I'll go pay some bills.

No, Sydney, my first time wasn't with your father.

But I wish it had been.

I hate it that it was with somebody that... Didn't really care about me, and

I don't want that for you.

Neither do I.

And that's why I didn't do it with Jake.

Well, thank God you were there, Faith.

Sweetie, you have your whole life to have sex.

You don't have to be in such a hurry.

And believe me, it gets much better when you're older.

I'm having better orgasms.

You what?

That's right. I bought him a rocket, but there's a perfectly good reason why.

Charlie, do you realize how dangerous that could be in the hands of a child?

Justin!

Hey, Dad, you ready to test out our rocket?

These things are cool!