Original subtitles

Hey, sweetie.

Mwah.

Did you just give me an air kiss?

Oh, don't be silly. I'm just busy.

Uh-huh.

So you're not still upset about my hole? Instead of having another baby, why

don't you learn the piano?

Loving suggestion?

Of course not.

And prove it.

I wrote you a little song.

Oh.

Then that's really okay, B. I won't force the issue.

Sorry I didn't kiss you.

Wow, you're getting good.

Guess who went shopping for baby clothes?

Look at this, Hope. Isn't this the cutest, rudest, widdle-baiting, sooty,

woody you ever saw in your widdle wife?

Doesn't it make you want to have your own widdle baby, weeby?

Why would I want a baby when I can play the piano?

She's getting pretty darn good.

Oh, Mandy, I'm glad you're here. I just made all the arrangements.

We're getting married in two weeks at City Hall.

City Hall?

Wow.

That's like a fairy tale.

So Mandy, will your boyfriend the wrestler be attending?

What was his name?

Strapless?

Stratus. Ex-boyfriend, Hope. And he may be attending.

As my plus one.

Look, Stratus is sweet, but Jack's the father of this baby.

And his proposal was so romantic.

No guy has ever said such nice things to me.

Hey, maybe we should name the baby Tinkle.

Jack, see what they think of the other baby names we came up with at lunch

today.

Pickle, Mayo, Knish, Reuben.

We went to a deli.

Dad, I can't believe you're really going to go through with this.

Look, Hope, I know that you don't approve of my marrying Mandy, but at

least you could pretend to be supportive.

Yeah, like we did when you married Charlie.

But you're in love with another woman.

You and Anne were inseparable.

You were even thinking of moving here to be near her.

Why would you want to give that up for a woman who wants to name her child after

an open-faced sandwich?

In Mandy's defense, Kanish is a real name.

My father ran out on my mother.

I don't want that for my son.

Yeah, but without a paternity test, you don't... I don't need a paternity test.

If Mandy says the baby is mine, then I believe her. Why would she lie to me?

She wasn't going to tell me in the first place.

All right, I've got it.

What if we name the baby Flush?

Flush Fairfield.

I like it. Sounds Australian.

Put another shrimp on the barbie, Flush.

What do you think?

I think I'd like to respond in song.

If you want to marry Mandy, I think that's just fine and dandy.

Can't wait to meet my brother, Flush, whose mother is a big old lush.

Lush rhymes with flush.

I'd like to propose a toast to Mandy!

Dude, she's marrying.

May you make the most of every day you have together, because let's face it, at

his age, there won't be many.

That is so sweet.

Isn't that sweet, Jackers? Sweeter than the old geezer speech.

But I can't stay long.

I'm going to my cabin for the weekend.

Hi, Ann.

Hi, Jack.

I just want you to know how sorry I am about all of this.

Oh, look, you didn't know Mandy was pregnant when we started seeing each

other, and you certainly didn't know she was my patient.

So there's nothing to be sorry for.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, I guess not.

at them.

They're just crazy about each other. I can't believe he's gonna just throw that

all away.

Bitterness is not flattering on you, Hope.

And really, what's more important? Who dad marries or your relationship with

dad? You're right. There you go.

Well, I love you too, Stratus, but I need a commitment.

Look, if you don't propose to me in the next two weeks, I'm marrying Jack.

We're supposed to have sex, but not every week.

I'm not a cheater.

Oh, I just overheard Mandy on the phone. She's only using Dad to get Stratus to

marry her. We have to do something.

All right. I love you, too, baby.

Bye. Who were you on the phone with?

Jean-Pierre, my hairdresser.

Oh, did you go blonder? A little bit. I thought so. I love it. Baby.

Right. Who were you on the phone with before that wench bag?

I think what Faith is expressing is some concern that you're just using our

father to try to get your ex-boyfriend to marry you. What's going on here?

Hope, she's been screaming at me.

What? That's not true.

See, there she goes again.

She's trying to break up our marriage, and she's upsetting her bastard child.

All right, Hope, that's it.

But she's... Enough.

I don't want to hear it. I asked you to respect my decisions, but all you do is

meddle in my business.

Well, it wasn't just me.

Faith... Faith is standing here, too.

Hope, you're the oldest.

Faith looks up to you. All you do is get these crazy ideas and drag your sister

along with you.

Kicking and screaming.

Me?

Ever since we were little, it's so hard being the good one.

Hope, you're not going to sabotage this wedding.

Mandy? Hmm? What are we waiting for?

Let's get married tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

If you meddle in this in any way, you will not be a part of this baby's life

or mine.

Do you understand?

Perfectly.

Nice bluff, Hope. Now, what's our plan?

Kidnapping? Brainwashing?

Murder.

There is no plan.

Dad is marrying Mandy, and we're just going to have to accept it.

Oh.

Hey, honey.

I've been thinking about it, and it was really insensitive of me to assume that

a piano could take the place of us having another baby.

I mean, you can't hug and kiss a piano. You can't put it in your lap and laugh

at all the cute little things it does.

What you need is something to love.

You better clean that up, seeing as he just peed on your bed.

I'm sorry.

I really thought a dog would do it.

This is crazy.

We've been driving forever.

Mandy and I are getting married in two hours. What is she doing in the

mountains? Dad, that's where her bachelorette party was and her car broke

down. I didn't hear anything about a bachelorette party.

Faith. What are you up to? Nothing.

You're so suspicious, Hope.

Okay, we're here.

Go get your bride and we'll be off to the courthouse.

What are you doing?

Dishing dead in Anne's cabin.

No, no, no. You turn this car around right now. I promised I wouldn't meddle.

But I didn't.

All he needs to be is alone with her for a few minutes, and then he'll realize

this is all a big mistake.

Pull over!

No! Stop backseat driving!

Well,

that was just great.

Here we are!

Out in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire.

Ah! No cell service.

We have to make a pact here and now. If no one comes to rescue us, we eat you

first.

I hope these people will let us use their phone.

Hope, trust me, you might think I'm crazy, but once Dad knocks on that cabin

door and Anne answers, he's going to realize how much he loves her and not

Mandy, and we're all going to live happily ever after.

You've got to get to your cabin, Dad, as they're waiting for you.

This is my cabin.

Doesn't that look like a nine to you?

Sorry you have to drive me to my wedding, Ann.

I can't think of anything more awkward.

Get on your... Your side.

I am on my side.

There's the line and there's your big old thigh.

Hope, get on your side.

Wait, she's the one who started it. No, you started it when you dragged us all

out here. All right, fine.

That is it. I am sick of always taking the blame.

But you know what? We wouldn't be out here in the first place if you weren't

marrying someone you don't love because of some stupid old-fashioned sense of

obligation. Well, it's a good thing that I have a stupid sense of old-fashioned

obligations or you'd be raised without a father.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm sorry, Hope.

I never wanted to tell you this, but... I married your mother because

she was pregnant.

Maybe that'll help you understand.

So we're here.

And...

You're a wonderful woman.

You have no idea how I wish that things were different.

Sorry.

We're gathered here today to witness the legal union of Jack Fairfield and Mandy

Radner.

I can't believe Dad only married Mom because she was pregnant.

I know.

I was shocked when I found their marriage certificate back in high

school. Took me a couple of weeks to do the math, but then I was like, whoa!

Hope totally ruined Mom and Dad's life. No wonder they love me more.

You knew?

Yes, don't you remember?

I know something you don't know.

Excuse me.

Could you talk a little louder? We could hardly hear you.

Oh. I'm sorry. We were just discussing the first time I found out that Hope was

illegitimate.

Oh, that was back in high school. Remember? I helped you do the math.

Is there anyone here who thinks that these two people should not be joined?

Actually, Your Honor, you might want to skip that part.

Okay, I'll get right to it, then.

Jack, do you take Mandy to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And Mandy?

Do you take Jack to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Is that a yes?

I don't know what that means.

It means she's in labor.

But her water didn't break yet.

Whoa! Surf's up.

We've got to get her to a hospital.

Dr. Ann, she's probably not that far away.

Drugs! Tell her to bring drugs!

Okay,

I got him.

Here he is.

Mandy,

I don't think this baby is yours.

Everyone under the age of 18 upstairs.

Fake IDs don't count, Sidney.

You okay, Dad?

Hope you were right.

I shouldn't have believed Mandy when she told me it was my baby.

I really owe you an apology.

No, no, no.

That's not what I'm upset about.

I just... I can't believe you only married Mom because she was pregnant.

Didn't you love her?

With all my heart.

But that came later.

So, I was just an accident?

No.

You were a miracle.

Your mother and I were soulmates, but we might not have discovered that if you

hadn't happened.

And then you would have missed out on me.

The biggest miracle of all.

You know, Hope, when they put you in my arms for the first time, they say that

newborns can't smile.

But I swear, you looked up at me and gave me the brightest grin I'd ever

seen.

The sun rose in my heart, and it's still shining.

Thanks, Dad.

That was so sweet.

What happened the first time you held me?

You spit up on me.

I love you.

Now, I'm gonna go lie down. This has been a long day.

Look, Hope.

I've been thinking...

If you want to have another baby.

I've been thinking too, Charlie.

And seeing Mandy give birth was sort of a reality check.

I'd forgotten about the crying, the nursing, lack of sleep.

Your weight gain, your mood swings.

Your list was sufficient. Go on.

What I'm saying is I know there's something missing in my life, but it's

not a piano or a dog.

It's not a baby either.

I don't know what it is, but I'm going to find out.

Oh, Dad, could you get that?

Anne, what are you doing here?

Well, I got your invitation.

My what?

Your invitation.

Sorry, Dad, I guess we just can't help ourselves.

Love, hope, and faith.

P.S.

Compliment her on her shoes.

Women love that.

Nice shoes.