Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

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[a lone bird singing]

[school bell rings]

[soda fizzing]

[soda pouring]

♪ So it's one for the night when I broke his heart ♪

♪ One for the joke that I took too far ♪

♪ And it's one for the dent in the rental car ♪

♪ The doodles I'd undo ♪

♪ I've got doodles I'd undo ♪

♪ And doodles I'd unmake ♪

♪ When the road is passing you ♪

♪ Oh, there's nothing I won't break ♪

♪ I've got lies I'd swap for truths ♪

♪ And truths that I'd unsay ♪

♪ So when the barman's passing through ♪

♪ There is no knowing what I'll take ♪

♪ 'Cause it's one for the night when I broke his heart ♪

♪ One for the joke that I took too far ♪

♪ And it's one for the dent in the rental car ♪

♪ The doodles I'd undo ♪

♪ And it's one for the times when I let them win ♪

♪ One for the light that I let him dim ♪

♪ And it's one for a kiss that should never have been ♪

♪ The doodles I'd undo ♪

[playful vocalizing]

♪ So it's one for the chaos ♪

♪ And one for the craic ♪

♪ One for the kiss ♪

♪ I should not have done that ♪

♪ And it's one for the lover ♪

♪ That I'll never get back ♪

[deep exhale]

♪ The doodles I'd undo ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[playful vocalizing]

♪ And it's one for the lover that I'll never get back ♪

♪ The doodles I'd undo ♪

[tense drum hit]

[birds chirping]

[insects buzzing]

[cheerful music playing]

Ladies and Ben, how are we doing?

[Claire] Hello.

How's the bride?

Cool and collected. How else?

How's my brother?

He tried to run, so I tied him up.

Oh...

kinky.

[♪♪♪]

-[engine idling] -[rocks crunching]

[suspenseful music creeps in]

[engine stops]

[♪♪♪]

[door opens]

[Mark] I show up to the University of Virginia

fall semester, freshman year,

confident, charming,

already well experienced in the sexual arts.

-Mark. -Who should be my roommate,

but a skinny, book-reading mama's boy.

You cried that first night,

-I remember. Mark.

[Mark] Still dating his high school sweetheart.

Come all the way to Virginia from bumfuck, Missouri...

St. Louis.

[Mark] Thinking he was there

for an education in higher learning,

only to realize that he was actually there

for an education in the worldly ways

from his soon-to-be best friend and eventual best man, Mark.

Yes, he taught me so much.

Listen, I left my cufflinks in the overnight bag.

I might need you to grab them.

Drink.

I don't wanna get drunk.

I didn't say to get drunk.

I said have a drink. Come on.

Last thing you want is to be tense at the altar.

Last thing I want is be distracted

because I have to piss.

God...

dammit!

[Mark chuckles]

-There you go. -[glass clinks]

Settle those nerves.

You know, monogamy doesn't scare some of us

as much as it scares others.

Who says it scares me?

You have six different Stephanies in your phone.

Yeah, that was a popular name in the '90s.

Plus, I watched a lot of "Full House" growing up.

I'm pretty sure that

Jodie Sweetin taught me everything there is

to ever know about lust.

You could at least get their last names.

I'm sure Stephanie Red Hair would appreciate the effort.

Stephanie Red Hair appreciates effort,

plenty, Ryan, trust me.

If you want,

I could call her Stephanie Old Faithful.

Why Old Faithful?

What is Old Faithful, Ryan?

A geyser.

Oh goddammit, dammit!

Bring a snorkel!

-[playful guitar twang playing] -[birds chirping]

[upbeat folk music playing]

♪ Somewhere down South, maybe ♪

♪ Charlottesville ♪

♪ That's where I wanna go ♪

♪ Where the water tastes like wine ♪

[music fades]

[birds chirping]

[woman] Nope, nope.

[Mark] Where are the guys?

I asked Ben to round everybody up

to get ready to see people.

A little early, no?

Maybe.

I wanna spend the rest of the time alone.

Oh, shit. Say no more.

-I'll get out of here. -No, no, not...

[Ryan sighs]

You know what I thought on move-in day?

Oh shit, my roommate's awesome.

He'll probably wingman the shit outta me.

Oh shit, my roommate's a blowhard,

troglodyte-wannabe jockstrap high-school baseball star

who thinks college is for keggers

and to have as much sex as possible.

[laughs]

Come on. Was I so bad?

[chuckles]

I wanted to thank you.

You're welcome.

For what?

For better or for worse,

you did become my best friend.

I didn't have a brother, so.

You took that what was it?

Skinny, book-reading mama's boy.

You helped me come into my own,

and in the end,

you did wingman the hell outta me.

You're still a book-reading mama's boy.

I am, yes.

But if it weren't for you,

I wouldn't be here today.

Trust me, dude, the reason she's marrying you are yours,

not mine.

[Rose] Having some trouble?

[nearby chatter]

[happy music playing]

Stupid zipper's caught.

[Rose] I hate that.

What are you tabling for?

Pancakes for Parkinson's.

You wanna volunteer?

Not entirely sure you want me to.

The one time I tried to cook pancakes,

it ended in disaster.

Oh my!

A disaster, huh?

I either burned them or I flipped too early,

and they fell apart.

You gotta wait till you count five bubbles in the batter.

Five bubbles?

Yeah, then you know it's cooked enough

to handle the flip.

All right, I'm in then.

[Rose laughs]

Oh, I'm Rose.

I am Ryan.

Thanks for volunteering.

Yeah.

Are you on the committee?

I am.

My dad has Parkinson's actually, so.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No worries.

We're just glad you're helping us out.

Well, some people are doctors.

Some people ruin pancakes at charity events.

[Rose laughs]

We all do our part.

[birds chirping]

So where do you live?

I live on 14th Street with my friends Mark and Ben.

Oh, nice.

I'm in the Pi Phi house.

Of course you are.

What is that supposed to mean?

You just seem like a Pi Phi.

Oh, I see, and how do Pi Phis seem?

It's not a bad thing.

[Rose laughs]

[musical ringtone rings]

Oh, hold on. Sorry, my phone.

♪ And I do it with the heels on my feet ♪

Hey.

Oh yeah, I just got finished signing up volunteers.

Okay, another night then.

All right, no worries.

Okay.

Bye.

Boyfriend?

Oh, we're sort of on-again, off-again.

And right now you're...

Mostly off, I guess.

[birds chirping]

Hey, I got some friends meeting up

at the Virginian tonight.

You should come.

Sure, that sounds like fun.

I love the Virginian.

Yeah, I love a good glory hole.

-What? -A glory hole.

What do you mean?

You know, like a small, rundown,

out-of-the-way, charming place.

You mean a hole in the wall?

Hole in the wall.

[laughs]

What's a glory hole?

[Ryan sighs]

You know, it's your last chance.

For what?

Tell me I'm making a huge mistake.

Getting married?

Well, marrying her.

Why would that be a mistake?

I don't know.

You told Ben he was crazy when he proposed to Livia.

He was crazy.

He proposed in college like a horny Mormon.

They're still together, though.

Yes, I was wrong.

True love is real.

Some people do find happiness.

-[laughs] -Blah, blah, blah.

Have you seen her today?

I have.

How does she look?

Hideous.

She looks great, man.

How the hell do you think she looks?

She's in a pretty white dress.

She can't stop smiling.

[Rose breathing hard]

[car door chime]

[Rose] Shit, shit, shit, shit.

[tapping feet]

[Rose exhaleing]

Okay, Rose.

You can do this.

You just...

you just walk up and...

you just, you just walk up and...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

[Rose yells]

Fuck! [Rose yells]

Hmm.

You know, that's why God made clip-ons.

I'm not wearing a clip-on to my wedding.

Oh yeah, it's my wedding.

Everything has to be authentic.

[Ryan] I'll go download instructions.

[receding footsteps]

[Mark inhales deeply]

[muffled instrument practice]

[Mark and Tess laugh]

Hey, you're here.

-I'll go. -No, no need, man.

We're gonna have a few drinks before we head out tonight.

-It's Monday. -Neat thing about Ryan,

you'll be surprised to learn:

he looks like a man,

but he's actually a calendar.

Ryan, would you like to have a drink with us

on this most auspicious, apparently Monday night?

-I'm good. -I like this painting.

Oh yeah, I love this guy.

He's a little kitschy maybe,

but I think the color is a really effective way

to capture the, like, explosive joy

in quiet moments like this.

It's so pretty.

Yeah.

Hey, where's the bathroom in this dorm?

Do you need to shit?

Oh my God, no!

I have to pee.

Girls are on the even floors.

Thank you.

-I'll be right back. -The clock's ticking.

More than three minutes, we'll start assuming.

[Tess laughs]

[Tess] Fuck you, Mark.

Stick around man. Have a drink.

When you asked me to hang my poster over your bed,

I didn't think it'd be for that.

You know, you can choose not to hate me.

It's only October.

We got a few months of living together left.

Well, yes, I'm aware, being a calendar.

Dude, that was a joke.

Come on, did that upset you?

It upsets me when you drink in here,

and you know we're not supposed to.

And then it looks like two tornadoes fucked their way

through your half of the room last night.

Hey, those tornadoes have names.

Yeah. What was hers?

-Katrina. -Katrina was a hurricane.

Come on, man, her name was Tess.

Look, I'm not exactly reinventing the wheel

by having a little bit of casual sex in college.

You should try it sometime.

You might find you actually enjoy it.

Some of us are actually looking for that, Mark.

Well, I mean, yeah, in, like, 30, 40 years.

I mean, we're young.

We gotta sow some wild oats before doing this.

I don't know.

I mean, her analysis was un peu unsophisticate,

but she's not wrong.

It is pre...

[indistinct chatter in background]

It is pretty.

[slurps]

[Ryan] Shit, I left my phone in my car.

You're gonna make me go get it, aren't you?

[Ryan] Probably.

My God, you're such a diva.

[ryan] Well, I'll get it.

You need to get the cufflinks.

Right.

My sister won't let me anywhere near that room.

I'm surprised you let me anywhere near your sister.

What?

Nothing.

Good plan. You get your phone.

I get the cufflinks. Rendezvous here.

Have six or seven more drinks.

Go to the altar.

Meet the love of your life

to get married in one hour and 53 minutes.

Go to the reception. Have a few more drinks.

Dance with the bridesmaids.

See how many stick their tongue down my throat

and possibly in other orifices.

We will see, time will tell.

Hands in. Ready?

-Oh! -Break.

[playful suspense music playing]

Fuck it, let's do it.

[car doors lock]

[♪♪♪]

[dramatic string stabs]

[birds chirping]

[footsteps pass by]

[playful suspense music resumes]

[Livia] Like, I wanna FaceTime her just for a second.

[Ben] Well, I don't know

how you're gonna have any service out here.

My fantasy football app wouldn't load.

[knocking door]

-Hey. -Hey.

How are we doing?

Good. Do you wanna come in and say hi?

No.

Your brother left his cufflinks in the overnight bag.

-Ah, right. -Can you grab them?

-Sure, give me one second. -Thanks.

[Livia] Do you know if Rose is here?

[Ben] Mark says she wasn't invited.

I haven't really wanted to ask about it.

[Livia] Yeah, me neither.

[Ben] Have you talked to her at all?

No, we had several conversations after her dad died,

but you know, we just kind of lost touch somehow.

-[Ben] Right. -[rustling]

[crickets chirping]

[playful suspense music playing]

[♪♪♪]

Rose?

Rose!

Oh shit, shit, shit, shit!

Rose!

Rose. Mark? Hi!

Hi! Holy shit!

[Mark laughs]

I had no idea you'd be here.

-I know! -Look at you, you look great!

-So do you! -Oh my God! How are you?

Good, I'm good. Really good.

Where's Ryan?

I wanted to say a quick hi before the ceremony.

He's just getting his phone from his car.

He'll be right back. I'll show you the cottages.

-Great. -[whimsical musical flourish]

[Mark] I can't believe you're here.

What's the big deal?

Well, come on, I don't know.

I thought it'd be just a little, you know...

I mean, he and I talked about it,

but I thought that he'd decided to...

Well, I didn't know he changed...

I thought that he... I didn't know you...

I didn't know. I thought you weren't...

-Invited? -That's the word.

I wasn't.

What?

Technically.

Technically?

Wait, wait. Okay, so what? Did he call you last night?

Like, "Hey, sorry, super last minute.

Can you make it to the wedding?"

No.

What? Did he, like, shoot you a text?

Nope.

Snapchat DM?

[laughs] No Snapchat DM.

Carrier pigeon?

No, he didn't use a carrier pigeon.

Cool, cool. Hey.

Quick clarification,

and I don't wanna put you on the spot or anything,

but it seems like maybe

he has no idea you're gonna be here today.

That's probably correct.

-Ballsy. -What?

[Rose laughs]

Look, this is a really nice surprise.

I mean, who doesn't love it when emotional complications

show up unannounced to a wedding?

But I really think that if he's not expecting you,

it's probably best if he doesn't see you.

-Why not? -Sure, sure. Fair question.

I just think that it might, you know, bring up some memories

that he doesn't wanna relive today, or ever.

And I don't wanna be rude or anything,

but if you could just kindly get the fuck outta here.

I just need to talk to him.

Right, and in a fair universe,

we would both get what we want today.

You would get to talk to Ryan,

and I would get to lick chocolate mousse

off of Gal Gadot's abdomen.

Unfortunately, the universe is very cruel,

and I don't think Gal was invited either, so.

Mark, it'll be okay.

Yeah, that's very optimistic, and I admire it.

Positive outlook, beautiful thing.

I too have read "The Secret," but I just think

if he's not expecting this, it's probably...

Rose. Rose.

[playful suspense music playing]

Rose!

Stop chasing me!

Stop running.

[Rose yelps]

[Rose] Oh my God!

Put me down, Mark!

No, no, no.

Put me down!

Mark!

You are the worst!

-Look- -[Rose huffs]

I know, it sucks that you weren't invited,

but you can understand why, right?

Of course I understand.

God!

[Mark exhales]

What's she like?

What's who like?

Julia.

Julia. She's...

Why?

Because my best friend is marrying the woman,

and I've never spoken to her.

Right, and again,

not trying to be rude or anything, Rose,

but fucking duh.

What did you expect?

Does he love her?

No, I don't think so.

I think they just got bored this morning

and decided they'd throw a wedding.

Does he love her like...

No.

No.

Holy shit!

Holy titty shit!

Aren't you just my girlfriend's period after prom?

-What? -Better late than never!

-Mark! -Are you out of your...

fucking mind right now?

-Calm down! -No, no, no!

No, no, no! I will not calm down.

You cannot come here today and tell me to calm down!

I just wanna see him.

You're in luck. He's on Insta.

-I need to talk to him. -You can't. He's gone.

-We just saw him! -Nope, not him. Doppelganger.

Weird thing that happens around here.

Look, it's over.

The wedding was early.

They drove the car away with the cans into the sunset,

and the priest talked like an auctioneer.

It was like, "Ryan, do you take Julia to be

your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health?

I now pronounce you man and wife. Sold!"

[slaps]

Why would you slap me? You know that's my kink.

Mark, take a breath.

-It'll be okay. -No, it really won't be okay.

Look, we have a lot to talk about,

I promise you, and I want to do it,

but now is not the time, okay?

So we're just gonna take you back to your car.

Oh! He needs to know how I feel!

No, he actually doesn't.

Why are you so strong?

I can't sit back and do nothing.

Yes, you can.

You have to.

Oh, that is so easy for you to say.

-Is it? -[Livia] Rose!

-[Ben] Hello! -[Rose] Hi!

[Livia] Oh my God!

Hi!

Oh!

Oh!

[laughing, cheering]

We were just talking about how we hoped you'd be here.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Including common decency.

[nervous laughter]

-What? -Rose was just telling me

that she has a white dress in her car

that she wants to change into.

-Really? -Yeah.

And I told her, "No one wants

to see you in a white dress, Rose.

That's a terrible idea.

And as your friend,

I don't want to see you do anything

that's gonna make people think you're a total bitch."

[laughing]

I don't usually side with Mark on questions of decorum.

Thank you, Ben.

But you probably shouldn't wear white to a wedding.

Mark's already drunk,

and it's not white.

It's red, which, yes, can be frowned upon.

But if it's the right dress in the right shade,

and it definitely has to be worn today

because there won't be another chance to wear it,

then, under certain circumstances, it's okay,

as long as it doesn't call too much attention to itself.

It calls too much attention to itself.

It's a Lady Gaga dress at the Met Gala, but crotchless.

Wow, I guess I would just have to see this dress.

Trust me, it looks like shit.

Rose, everyone has dresses they want to wear, okay?

I have a dress that I want to wear today,

but we don't always get

to wear the dresses we want.

Did this dress hurt you in some way?

You know what, I'm just gonna stick with what I'm wearing.

It was so good to see you both.

See you at the ceremony.

I just have to do one quick thing.

Mark, why don't you tell Ben and Liv

that story about senior year,

how you had sex on Ben's bed because you, quote,

"needed a change of scenery"?

-What? -Dude?

I...

need therapy.

Does that mean that I have had sex

where you have had sex?

Where, yes, but not when.

And the temporal dimension is important

to consider here, I think, so.

Did you at least change the sheets?

I gotta go.

Unbelievable!

[playful suspense music playing]

Oh shit!

Oh jeez! No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

For the last time, leave. Okay?

You are not pulling a Taylor Swift today.

A Taylor Swift?

The eponymous track in her album "Speak Now"

in which she crashes a wedding to steal the groom.

Why is that your reference for this?

Just get the fuck outta here, Rose.

I just need a minute.

Oh, good, because my primary concern was

that you might tell him too slowly.

Mark, please, please just help me out.

I just need to talk to him.

I know that this isn't ideal.

Isn't ideal?

No, no, no.

The Missouri Compromise was not ideal.

Dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, not ideal.

The girl I dated who wanted us to role play

as Scout and Atticus Finch,

not ideal.

This is...

Look, look, I sympathize with you,

I really do, more than you know,

and I want to talk to you about it,

but now is not the time, okay?

You are the last person that he needs to see right now,

so I am just begging you-

-[Ryan] There you are. Did you...

Did he see you?

-Rose. -[Mark sighs]

Hey, Ryan.

What are you doing here?

Come on, you didn't think I'd miss your wedding,

did you?

Um...

I didn't invite you.

So yeah, kinda.

This is great.

Have the old gang together again,

the Three Amigos, huh?

The third triumvirate.

Let's just forget that all the other triumvirates ended

in betrayals and assassinations.

Well, Rose just wanted to say hi,

which she did. I heard it.

So I'm gonna go ahead and take her to her car

so she can drive away from this delightful, awkward tension.

And, Ryan, I'm noticing,

with my inestimable powers of observation,

that your bow tie still looks like a toddler's shoelace.

So we're gonna get you in there. We're gonna get that tied.

Let's get to the altar to marry Julia in 98 minutes.

I like this. This is a good plan.

I love this plan. Let's do it.

Hands in. Hands in.

Come on.

Ready, break!

I need to talk to you.

-Okay. -That's not the plan.

Guys. Ow!

Guys.

Okay, you know what, Rose?

I think we're probably just a little bit tired.

I think we'll just hang out here and relax.

Can I see him alone?

[sighs] Definitely not.

-Mark. -Ryan.

-Mark. -Rose.

-Mark. -Ryan.

-Mark. -Rose.

Did you get the cufflinks?

-Yes, I did. -Can I have them?

-No, you may not. -Because you didn't get them.

-No, I did not. -Can you please go get them?

-No, I will not. -[door knocks]

-Ryan.

-Mark. -Don't come in! We're naked.

[Claire] You're...

Why are you naked?

It's tradition, Claire.

What do you want?

Julia's grandfather is stuck in her van.

-What? -What?

He rides one of those scooter things.

The ramp in the van isn't working.

They need help to lift him down.

Mark's coming.

No, he's not. Get Ben to do it.

Ben sent me to get you.

-It's too heavy. -He'll be right there.

-Will he, though? -Yes, he will.

You know, I've been talking to Mark.

He's been doing a lot of soul searching, and darn it,

I think he really likes the place he's at.

I think he's my best man

and has to perform his duties accordingly.

I think a pretty big part of his best-man duties

involves staying in the room

when the groom's past Al-Qaedas her way

into the groom's present.

I think we need to stop talking about him

in the third person.

-Hypocrite. -Guys!

-He's coming. -Dude, I'm barely erect.

Okay, well then, hurry up!

I feel like we're waiting for something.

Mark, you're my best man.

You have to do what I say today.

Fine.

-Rose, come help. -Oh God.

What? She's really strong.

She can do it. Look at those arms.

Look at that tone.

I bet you do Barry's Bootcamp, don't you, Rose?

Mark, go!

All right. Okay.

But I'm coming right back.

I know. No, no, no.

Like, right back. Okay?

The first time I had sex without a condom

lasted longer than this will take.

And trust me, she was not impressed.

[grunts]

So I think it's probably best if we just leave the door open.

-Okay. -Okay, great.

No! No!

This is a holy day.

God is watching.

Ryan!

[pants]

[Mark] Oh, fine, but look, this will be so fast.

[footsteps approach]

[Rose exhales softly]

Hi.

Hi.

Where are you taking me?

[nostalgic music playing]

Yep.

Wow!

You said you like gardens.

How'd you find this?

I went to find a quiet place to read outside,

and voila!

[birds chirping]

[Ryan grunts]

[Rose laughs]

I can't believe it's already October.

Stop it.

I don't wanna think about it.

[Rose sighs]

What is it about millennials?

We're already so nostalgic

for the moments we're living through.

[Rose chuckles]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

So...

you think you're gonna see Lauren again?

I don't know.

It just seems a little pointless

with only a few months of school left.

DC's close.

If you hit it off, you can always visit her next year.

Then I'm that guy who keeps coming back to college.

So what? If you're dating someone,

no one's gonna judge you.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Mmm.

Electric.

[both laugh]

I'm sorry. I know.

Okay, she's great.

I'll pro...

I'll probably see her again.

I'm just a little worried.

No, I don't wanna sound like a dick.

I know you're not a dick.

Come on.

I think maybe she's just kinda dumb.

You dick!

Oh my God!

Look, this is just one little example, all right?

But she was telling me about one of her guy friends,

and she kept describing their relationship as plutonic.

[Rose chuckles]

Like, "We went to dinner last Saturday,

but it was strictly plutonic."

So what? She mispronounced a word!

Don't be so pretentious.

Don't act like that wouldn't annoy the hell outta you!

Give me a break.

Okay, I date Cap.

I put up with so much worse.

[warm music playing]

I just don't get that, Rose.

Yeah.

[Rose sighs]

I don't really either, so.

Please tell me it's just, like, a college fling.

You're not staying with him after we graduate, are you?

I don't...

I don't know.

Well, he's gonna be in Atlanta.

We'll be in DC.

What?

Nothing.

[Ryan gasps]

You...

You're not thinking of dating him long distance, are you?

No, it's...

It's not that. I-

What's wrong?

I just don't really wanna think about graduation.

-Okay. -Okay, I just...

I just wanna lay here in this lovely garden

and pretend like we get to do this forever.

Done.

[birds chirping]

[♪♪♪]

You look good.

Handsome.

Yeah, you too.

Nice dress.

[Rose chuckles]

It's been a while.

[Rose chuckles]

Homecoming, three years ago.

God! Really?

Has it been that long?

-Mm-hmm. -Jeez.

It feels like just yesterday we were graduating.

Yeah.

I think about that time a lot.

I don't so much anymore.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

It was a long time ago, I guess.

And now, here you are getting all married and stuff.

[Ryan chuckles]

-You know Vietnam? -I do know Vietnam.

I was there.

Can you get me down?

[Livia] I have never been there.

-I was there. -Wow!

There was a fight, and the VC...

the VC...

So did you...

[soft music playing]

When did you get in?

I drove down this morning.

-Right. From New York. -Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Long way, you must have left early.

Well, yeah. I mean, you know,

there's usually traffic in the cities on the weekend,

so I know some side streets to avoid congestion.

It's just a straight shot down I-95.

You know, if you plan stops strategically.

-And then- -Why are you here?

Because I'm in love with you.

-What? -I love you.

What kind of cake did you get?

-Rose. -Here's the thing.

-I love you. -Jesus!

But that is not the only development in my life.

I do hot yoga now.

-I have a cat. -Just stop it!

-There's six hours. -This is an incredible story.

Six hours!

-Hey! -Thank you for your service.

Let's get him out, yeah? Hey, you're stuck, right?

You don't wanna be here.

Who wants to stay in a van all day?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you before,

but you were with Julia,

so I thought that would be kind of inappropriate.

You thought that would be inappropriate?

-Ready? -[Ben] Oh, we're strapped in.

-[Ben] We're strapped in. What? We're strapped in?

[Ben] We'll unstrap him.

-Let's unstrap him. -I don't think so!

No, I know. I'm sorry.

I-I-I hate that I'm doing this.

I was going to be mature and let you go.

I couldn't sleep last night, and I turned on the TV.

"When Harry Met Sally" was on,

and I realized that I had to tell you.

You had to.

Oh, why? Why did you have to?

Because it's a good movie!

-I served my country! -Yeah, lift the chair.

I served my country!

You've probably never even used a gun in your life.

[Ben] No, it's too heavy.

No, it's not too heavy!

Use your back, Ben, that's what they say.

You put an AK-47 in your hands,

you wouldn't know what to do with it.

You're the one who said that life is short,

and love is worth the risk,

and that it's okay to look like an idiot.

So here I am looking like an idiot.

I know my timing is terrible,

but it was now or never.

Fucking look at you, you're about to get married.

I know!

I know I'm getting married!

Lift with your back!

What do you want me to be, a human ramp?

You're a wussy.

You wussy. You couldn't handle it.

Right, let's get him out of the chair.

Let's get him out.

-God dam-Fine, okay, we're gonna get you out.

Stand on the chair.

Okay, I'm gonna grab you in a sensitive area.

I'm Mark, and we're gonna get you out, all right?

Here we go.

Come on, come on.

-Get him out. -[Ben] Stand on the chair.

Get his weight.

Get his weight. Watch the handlebar.

Watch the handlebar.

Watch it!

[old man yelling]

Jesus Christ, Rose!

How could you do this to me?

You're the one who said

that we can't choose who we fall in love with,

that sometimes it just happens.

Yeah, but you...

Jesus Christ, did I really say all this shit?

Yeah.

It was really cheesy.

Well, I was young and stupid,

and you just rejected me.

So I was trying to salvage our friendship.

Look how it was salvaged.

We went from best friends to awkward friends,

to we haven't spoken to each other in years.

[wistful music playing]

When my dad died,

you sent me a letter.

Ben and Liv called.

Mark flew out for the funeral.

But from you,

I got a note.

Nine sentences.

I wrote 30 drafts of those nine sentences.

I needed you.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to call.

I really did, but-

It wasn't just then, Ryan.

We used to talk every day.

I was in love with you.

I would've stayed that way.

I needed to not stay that way.

So what, you cut me off entirely,

never talk to me again?

I did what I had to do to move on.

I mean, you can't get mad at me for that.

I mean, where was all this six years ago?

We were graduating.

Everything was changing so quickly.

I'd never thought about you like that,

or-or let myself.

And let's be honest,

you were pretty intense about it.

I was in love.

We were so young.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

I didn't realize it was like purchasing liquor.

-I should have checked your ID. -Fine, I, I was so young,

not to mention I had just broken up with Cap.

Oh, Cap!

I know you never liked him.

His name was Cap.

It was a nickname,

and plus we'd been dating for over a year.

Dating?

Please, he was hot and dumb,

and you weren't ready to stop fucking dumb, hot guys.

Ow!

You know that's not all it was.

[Rose exhales]

When you told me you loved me,

it was like...

it was like you were speaking a foreign language,

and it took me a while to, you know,

translate it for myself.

Once I finally did, you were with Julia.

So I thought I'd tell you when you were single again,

'cause that's how relationships go, I thought, right?

That's how they go. You meet someone, it's exciting.

You think, "Oh, there's a future here,"

and then they ask you to pee on them

to satisfy their urine fetish,

so you part ways.

But you and Julia just kept staying together,

and then I realized

she probably doesn't even have a urine fetish.

And then a year passed.

And then I saw you were engaged.

Believe me, I did not want it to be this way, I didn't.

But if this was my only chance to tell you,

I had to take it.

[footsteps approach]

Did you date someone with a urine fetish?

Do you really wanna have that conversation right now?

[Ryan chuckles]

No.

Rum and ammunition. Yeah, let's go. Come on.

Ben, help me with this.

-Careful! -Oh, no!

Oh, God. Not that far, not that far!

-[Mark] Ben, Ben! -Are you good?

Help with the scooter, please!

It's a lot lighter without a human on it.

-Get it out!

-[Ben grunts] -[metal Snapping]

Well, we'll just put it back on afterward.

[Mark] All right, you fix the scooter.

I gotta go. Lovely to meet you.

Where are you going, what about the cufflinks?

No time, Claire!

I'm sorry.

I should have told you then,

but I didn't.

So I'm telling you now.

[soft piano music playing]

I know that this is not the right time,

and this is not the right place.

Mark's probably right.

I look like a total bitch, but...

I am,

and I was

so in love with you.

Oh, God.

I waited so long to hear you say that.

I thought about it every day.

Every song was you.

Every book.

Everybody. I went on dates, I compared them to you.

I lived out our relationship 10,000 times,

and you come in today of all the days.

I mean...

what do you expect me to do?

I love her.

But what about me?

[door knocks]

[Mark] Ryan?

I'd apologize except I know I'm not interrupting anything

because you're marrying a smart, beautiful woman today.

And you wouldn't want to fuck that up

with someone you loved in college,

unless Rose left and you're cranking your hog.

No judgment here, man. That'll keep you relaxed.

If you need tissues or anything, you just let me know.

Best man here to help you.

So Mark's the same.

More or less, yeah.

[knocks]

Ugh!

[birds chirping]

What is it, child?

Put your fuckin' books away.

Let's go out.

I can't. I have a test tomorrow.

Well, not with that attitude, you can't.

Where do you wanna go?

Let's go to Coupes.

Coupes is gonna be full of freshman girls

who just got their fakes.

-I know. -That's special.

Come on, it's spring semester of our senior year.

We're supposed to be having fun.

We're not supposed to be doing work.

-You're not doing work. -Yeah, I know.

I'm a prophet, and I lead by example.

Ow!

Screw it. I'm in.

-[Ryan] What? -What? I just had an exam today.

I need to unwind. Okay?

And Mark's right, we should be having fun.

Exactly. Come on. Bars, bars, bars, bars!

-Bars, bars, bars, bars! -Bars, bars, bars, bars!

-Bars, bars, bars! -Bars, bars, bars!

Guys, I really have to do well on this exam.

Ryan, I really have to do a freshman.

-Ugh! -Oh, relax. It's a joke.

I would take a sophomore in a pinch.

-Sicko! -[Ryan] Hey!

Why are we friends with you?

[Mark] Ryan, you've been in that book so much.

If you get any closer, you're gonna need to put on a rubber.

All right? Come on, let's go out.

Let's have fun. Let's do stuff.

Someday you're gonna be 35 or 40,

and you're gonna look back,

and you're gonna wish you had more fun

in the last years of college.

We're all gonna be in DC together.

We'll have plenty of fun.

Actually, I'm not.

What?

Accenture wants me in New York instead.

New York?

Yeah, and they were up in the air for a while.

They just confirmed it.

Hey, come on.

It's not like we gotta say our goodbyes tonight, right?

We got a few months.

Let's go to Coupes and have some beer

and listen to a shitty band for a few hours.

Just as long as there's no freshman girl

you're gonna ruin.

[Mark] That's very sex negative, Rose.

I'm gonna go get changed.

I'll meet you guys there.

No sweats for the sorority girl.

[Rose mocks Mark]

You coming?

Yeah, you bet he is!

-[bottles clink] -[patrons chattering]

Come on, it's pretty fucking weird that they're engaged.

It's unusual, but it's not weird.

Why are you so upset about it?

I don't know what's worse.

Ben proposing to Liv or Cap going to Cancun

with his entire fraternity over spring break

and not taking you.

I didn't know it was a secret.

Do you have any idea what happens in Cancun

over spring break?

They play Mahjong, I think.

Oh, is that what they do? My mistake.

I thought they shattered pelvises.

He's gonna come back with so much bacteria,

he'll have to declare it at customs.

-Guys! -We're just kidding.

I know, it's just he's missing Pi Phi's formal.

Why? It's the weekend before break.

I don't know, he's going to Cancun early.

His little brother has the week off

before they're meeting up there, I guess.

[laughs] Oh my God.

More Mahjong time, probably.

Sorry.

Anyway, um...

I need a date if you're interested.

[reflective folk music playing]

That's fine, I didn't really want to go, so.

If either of you...

Actually, no, no, no.

Not you 'cause I'm 75% sure

you'd leave with another girl.

-Just one? -[Rose chuckles]

Mm!

Vicki needs a date.

Then you can both come.

Wait, Vicki, Vicki,

with the Vickis?

Dibs! We're going. I get Vicki.

Only if you don't use that nickname.

It's an endearing nickname.

In what world is it endearing

to call a girl Vicki Titty Face?

It's not an insult.

She has an amazing chest.

She knows it. She shows it.

I want to put my face into it,

so Vicki Titty Face.

Stop it!

Oh my God.

Come.

Hmm?

Come on.

Be my date. My best friend just got engaged.

Don't make me go solo.

Well, I mean, I don't know.

I-I might be doing something with Jess that night.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, I'll see what she's doing,

and I'll let you know.

Yeah, I just thought it could be fun.

Don't get mad at me.

Cap's the one leaving.

I know, I'm not mad.

-Okay. -Okay.

Dude, you're going to that formal.

-I will see. -No, you will not see.

You and Jess have gone out, like, four times.

You haven't even got your fingers sticky.

You're gonna go with Rose.

Ben's gonna go with Liv.

I'm gonna go with Vicki Titty Face.

It's gonna be a great night.

Looking for another notch in your belt?

Oh, I'm sorry that I'm not like Ben and Liv,

my first is my forever.

They're not each other's first.

First, fifth.

Who gives a shit?

Okay, honest question.

What's your body count?

-I don't wanna do this. -Why not?

Because I don't want your judgment.

-No judgment. -Bullshit, no judgment.

You're gonna Sandra Day O'Connor the shit outta me.

No, I won't.

Fine. You go first.

You know, we don't really have to talk-

-Five. -All right.

Respectable. Ryan.

I'd rather not talk about it.

I'm just kidding. I know it's two.

Oh, you, Dude!

Mark, he can get just as many girls as you get,

but he has, whatchamacallit, standards.

Oh, I have excellent standards.

Oh, what? Like that they're alive.

That's an important one, yeah.

[Rose laughs]

Okay.

So how many girls have met these standards?

Total?

-38. -38?

Trying to get one for each president,

but Miss Jimmy Carter is proving elusive.

Holy shit!

Hey, hold up. You said no judgment.

No, no. Look, I am very kind to them.

I never pressure anybody.

I often scramble them an egg in the morning.

Whoa, man!

How'd you ever raise enough capital to buy 38 eggs?

That is a good, healthy number.

Since I started having sex, that's not even one a month.

That's not that bad.

Have you actually cared about any of them?

Yes. Look, that's...

Y'all are making me out to be a villain here,

and I don't appreciate it.

I am-I am a perfect gentleman.

I am very respectful of women.

You've just been calling a girl Vicki Titty Face

for the last 10 minutes.

To you guys as a joke.

I don't actually mean it.

I'd never say it to her face.

-To her titty face. -[Mark and Ryan laugh]

I swear to God, if you keep saying it,

I'm not setting you up.

No, I'm sorry. It's a joke.

It's forgotten. It's gone.

I will never say it again.

Please, please, please let me go.

I'm a good date. You know I'm a fun date.

Fine.

I'm just enabling your deepest insecurities.

And I very much thank you for it.

[Rose laughs]

And, Ryan, if you're free,

I'd love for you to be my date.

-Why? -Because she asked you, dude.

I'll just be, like, her good friend date.

It'll be totally plutonic.

[crickets chirping]

I know, I know it's platonic.

Well, yeah, you're right.

It is platonic, and it's gonna be platonic

until it's no longer platonic.

What?

Go to the dance with her, man.

Mix it up. See what happens.

What about Cap?

Do you think Cap is a permanent fixture in her life?

No, but they're still dating.

What can I do?

You could go to the formal that he's skipping,

eat some good food, drink some good wine,

spin her around on the dance floor,

and see how long she thinks about Cap.

Dude, what is the issue here?

Everything.

She's still dating Cap.

So I feel scummy making a move,

and in the end, it's just like another college party.

She might drink,

and I don't drink much, so that feels shitty.

Well, yeah, if she gets sloshed,

call a fuckin' audible, Peyton Manning,

but come on, it's a party.

People are gonna drink a little bit to loosen up.

A little bit of alcohol,

that's just nature's truth serum.

Nine outta 10 people owe their very existence

to a little bit of alcohol.

Even the Catholics realize you can't get

through fuckin' church without a little bit of alcohol.

I don't know.

Dude, you gotta fuckin' use your imagination

here a little bit.

Look, close your eyes. I want you to close your eyes.

I want you to picture this.

Yeah, close your fuckin' eyes.

Good. Okay. It's the end of the night, okay?

You've both had a few glasses of wine,

so you're feeling very comfortable with each other.

The sun has set,

the moonlight's pouring through the windows

and bouncing off her dark hair.

The band starts playing some slow song,

like "You Look Wonderful Tonight" or some shit.

Your hands are around her waist.

Her hands are around your neck.

Your faces are almost touching...

[romantic saxophone playing]

and all of a sudden, she looks at you,

and she realizes...

Now, is it the music?

Is it the wine?

Is it what she's wanted all along?

She doesn't know. It doesn't matter.

All of a sudden,

she kinda likes the way your erection feels

pressed against her hip.

Hey, get outta here!

Next thing you know,

it's a Wednesday afternoon between classes.

You're fuckin' in a janitor's closet in New Cabell Hall.

I don't think she'd do it in a janitor's closet.

Dude, I don't know.

She's got that secret freak thing going pretty good.

How do you know?

Because it's like my sixth and seventh sense.

Look, man, I'm not saying that anything's guaranteed here,

but I'm saying you gotta try.

You're running out of time,

especially now that she's not coming to DC.

Yeah, man, that just...

Sucks hard. I know.

Come to the formal.

You will regret it forever if you don't.

-Yeah. -No,

no, not "yeah."

Not "yeah."

Come on, you gotta be amped.

You gotta be full of spunk and semen!

All right! Yes, okay.

Come on, man. It's gonna be great.

Nothing gets girls going like fancy dresses

and guys in suits.

It turns their inner thighs into water slides.

That's why weddings are so fun,

which, by the way, if this works out,

I get to be your best man.

Unfortunately, you're the only candidate

at this point, so.

I will take what I can get.

Probably what your 38 women said.

[Mark laughs]

Aren't you a fuckin' clever bitch?

[door knocking repeatedly]

[doorknob rattling]

Ryan, the door's locked.

That's disconcerting.

Hey, baby, it's me.

I just wanna remind you how much you love me

and how I make you smile

like you just took 12 hits of opium.

-Mark. -You shhh!

I love you, and I wanna grab a beer

and catch up after all this,

but you're not my favorite person right now.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm not my favorite person right now either.

Great. She gets it.

Self-loathing always was your color.

Did you get the cufflinks?

No, I didn't get the fucking cufflinks.

Hey, buddy.

We gotta get this tie tied, all right?

Let's get you ready to do this.

I just need a second.

Jesus!

-You broke him. -[Rose] I didn't break him.

I just need some time to think.

-You made him think. -I kind of want him to think.

It's a wedding, Rose.

If the groom starts thinking, he's dead.

Come on, bud.

Let's get you going. Let's do this.

He has the right to know that he has a choice here.

Hey, Jennifer Aniston.

You had your say. Okay?

Look, I love you both very much, and there was a time, I think,

that this would've worked great,

but that time passed about a decade ago.

So we gotta get you ready.

You get up, you get excited.

You can't just sit here stewing, man.

You gotta get going. We gotta-

-Just stop badgering me for a second, please.

Okay? This is just a lot to take in.

[Mark sighs]

You can't do this to Julia, man.

She doesn't deserve this.

[sighs]

No one deserves this.

I want you to be happy.

I do, I want you to do what makes you happy.

I was just...

Maybe it could be with me.

[Mark imitates fart noise]

I don't even know what that looks like anymore.

I mean, for years, I watched you date other guys.

Cap when you guys were on.

Someone else when you guys were off,

just waiting for my chance.

All it did was kill me.

I mean, for Christ's sake, Rose,

you hooked up with one of my best friends.

You told him about us?

What? No.

-What? -Nothing.

Did you two fool around?

-What? -You didn't tell him?

-No. -Tell me what?

-Nothing. -What were you talking about?

What were you talking about?

-I was talking about Ben. -You hooked up with Ben?

I didn't hook up with Ben.

I made out with Ben at a party once.

Yeah, I know. I saw you at...

Wait a minute.

What did you...

what did you guys do?

Did you sleep together?

-No. -Yes.

-Did you? -No.

-Yes, we did, Mark. -Technically, we never slept.

-Find the loophole, Rose! -I'm gonna kill you!

Okay! Look, it was not serious.

This happened one time.

It was a one-time thing.

It happened one, one time.

-Two times. -Fuck! Two times.

It was a two-time thing, but it was just the two times.

Shit, three times.

-Put away the abacus. -Oh my God!

Look, in our defense, we were really,

really, really drunk.

Oh, all three times?

-Two of 'em. -One of 'em.

Did you keep a ledger?

It doesn't matter.

That's not an excuse.

You're right, that's not an excuse.

Not an excuse at all.

But if it helps, it really wasn't even that good.

Hey!

Could you please help me for a second here?

At least, she's being honest.

You're right, yeah, she's being very honest.

Thank you for your honesty, Rose.

Look, this happened really early in our little dynamic, okay?

I knew you had a crush on her,

but I didn't know how much you liked her,

and you'd just gone on a date with Anna What's-Her-Name?

So I figured you were over Rose

and it'd be okay if I jumped on it.

-Really? -Or hooked up, whatever.

I don't know what we did.

I'm just saying, I never would've done anything

if I knew how much you loved her, man.

That's why I turned her down the night she called me

after she rejected you.

Shit!

What?

What the hell, man?

That one's on me.

You wanted to sleep with him?

Well, come on, it's not that big a deal.

We'd already done it three times.

[together] Shut the fuck up, Mark!

You couldn't stand the thought of kissing me,

but you wanted to have sex with this asshole?

-That's insensitive. -I'm sorry. I was hurting.

You were hurting?

Yeah, you think breaking your heart didn't break mine too?

I loved you, but I didn't know how,

and I had just broken up with Cap.

I just needed some comfort.

So buy a Snuggie!

Don't try to sleep with my best friend.

Really, Rose. Not cool.

Oh yeah, Mark. I know it's not cool,

and I really appreciate that you're the one

who's teaching me sexual tact right now.

That's great.

I'm sorry, which one of us came here today

to ruin a wedding?

I did not come here to ruin a wedding.

Oh, are you reading 1st Corinthians?

-Son of a bitch! -Love is patient. Love is kind.

Love comes in at the last possible second

to ruin other people's happiness.

Love is five girls in one weekend!

That was a good weekend.

Oh my God!

Hardly anyone completes a pentathlon.

-You named it? -It takes stamina

and mental endurance.

You are a man whore!

You have the emotional depth of a thimble,

and you have no idea what love is.

Oh, fuck you.

You don't have a goddamn idea about me.

Give me the ring.

-What? -Give me the ring.

Go get Ben.

You're demoted from best-man status.

Oh, come on, man. That is pa-

-Gimme it! -Why? Why?

Because I slept with a girl you never dated eight years ago?

I loved her.

At the time, I thought she was the love of my life.

You slept with the love of my life!

Well, now you're marrying mine!

What?

What?

What?

You're in love with Julia?

What is love?

You know,

it's this intangible force

that we don't understand and couldn't possibly-

Mark.

Yeah.

Man, this is fucked up.

You didn't sleep with her, did you?

No, man, come on.

I wouldn't do something like that.

Give me a little credit here.

My little sister's here.

You need to tell me about her too?

Oh, Mark.

Since we're confessing things.

[playful dramatic music playing]

I did not want this, all right?

You had me for Thanksgiving senior year.

She was showing me your spelling bee trophy.

You were in my room?

I didn't wanna do this, okay? She came onto me.

All right, I told her no like seven times,

which I should get a medal for.

Your sister is sexually aggressive.

-[Ryan yelling] -Oh, God!

Stop it! Stop!

I can't fight you on your wedding day

-Stop it! -Slimy son of a bitch!

I thought of you the whole time.

[grunts]

Oh my God, are you okay?

[Ryan growls]

That did not go as expected.

Fuck!

I'm sorry! I need therapy!

You need to be neutered!

[Ben] Oh, no.

Ben!

Mark!

What did you do?

-Oh, no! -Whoa!

Move out of the way!

-Did you tell him? -Long story, Claire!

[playful dramatic music playing]

[♪♪♪]

[Mark panting]

I never would've slept with her

if I knew how much you wanted her.

What? Not you, me!

You had sex with Mark?

She did! And you made out with her!

Claire? No, me!

I don't remember that.

You infected every woman in my life!

Me? No, me.

You slept with Claire!

-Don't answer that. -I didn't infect Julia.

-But you want to! -What?

-What? -What?

All right.

Can we maybe just handle these things one at a time?

[impact thudding]

[Mark grunts]

[Ryan panting]

I always knew who you were.

I convinced myself there was something else,

and there's not.

You're shallow.

You're broken, you're selfish.

You sleep with women too immature to know better.

The reason you sleep with so many women

is 'cause you know deep down

you're not good enough for one.

You know what? Fine, fuck it.

Think whatever you want about me.

I don't care.

All right?

Get your bow tie on and get to the altar.

Because if you let her ruin what you have,

you are dumber than I ever would've thought.

-[Ryan yells] -Don't!

Don't...

touch me.

[somber music playing]

[♪♪♪]

-[Rose sighs] -Did you get what you wanted?

Cram it.

[birds chirping]

You fell in love with Julia?

I introduced them.

I was dating one of her friends,

and I thought, "This girl's amazing.

I should introduce her to Ryan."

That was stupid.

Of course, me and her friend lasted

about 10 days after that,

so pretty good run for Mark.

Is that friend going to be here today?

I think she will, yeah.

Hmm.

How many women have you slept with at this wedding?

Just the three.

But in my defense, only two of them were invited.

[chuckles]

[Rose sighs]

So what's he gonna do?

He's gonna marry her.

Yeah.

Hell of a fight, though.

-Fuck you. -[Mark chuckles]

[Rose laughs]

She loves him?

Very much.

She loves him enough that,

if he were marrying somebody else,

she'd tell him before the wedding?

That's a very specific definition of love.

All right.

I gotta go find him and undo your damage.

Hey, now.

Fine, our damage.

Hey.

Do you ever

think about the times that, you know...

[Rose chuckles]

Uh...

Sometimes.

-Yeah, I guess. -Hmm.

-Why? Do you?

Nah.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Fuckin' asshole.

[somber music playing]

Ryan.

[♪♪♪]

[bus drives by]

[phone rings]

[Mark] Hey, dude.

[Ryan on phone] Is Rose there?

Uh, no, I thought she was with Cap tonight.

Where are you?

I'm at Trinity.

[Mark on phone] Why would you go to Trinity?

Rose said she was here.

Why would Rose go to Trinity?

I don't know.

She texted me and said she was here,

and it was an emergency, but I can't find her.

And she's not answering her phone.

Okay, all right. Calm down.

I'm sure she's fine. It's probably just a...

-[door knocks] -One second.

[upbeat pop music playing]

Uh, she's here.

She might be drunk.

[Rose belches]

She's certainly drunk.

Is she okay?

Uh...

Yeah, I think so.

[thuds]

Eh.

[Ryan on phone] All right, I'll be there soon.

Okay. Yeah.

[phone beeps]

Hi, Rose.

Hello.

Whatchu doin'?

Nothing.

Is Ryan here?

Uh, no, he's at Trinity

because he said you texted him that there was an emergency,

so he's there looking for you.

I know, I...

That's why I'm here, because he wasn't there.

He is there.

I think you just left too soon

for him to be there.

[Rose grunts]

[grunts]

Was there an emergency?

Yes.

What was it?

Where's Ryan?

He's at Trinity looking for you.

No, he's not.

Are you okay?

[exhales]

Yes.

Are you sure?

No.

What's wrong?

We graduate in three days.

Right.

Yeah.

I don't want to.

[sobs]

Yeah, me neither.

I don't wanna go to New York.

You guys get to stay in DC together.

It's not fair.

Look, New York is gonna be great for you.

You're gonna thrive.

That's your element.

Cap and I broke up.

Did you?

We did.

And whose decision was that?

Technically, it was mine,

but it was his decision to fuck some freshman in Cancun!

No, no, no!

No, let me tell 'em.

Let me tell 'em.

Tristan Caperell is an asshole

who sleeps with girls who turned 18, like, yesterday!

[Mark] Rose. So if you wanna take someone

who cheats on you with a girl four years younger,

boy, do I have the guy for you!

Why are you so strong?

[sobbing]

They're so skinny!

I know.

It's not fair!

Oh God!

I hate those skinny bitches.

[sobbing]

Ow!

[Rose exhales]

He cheated on you?

Rub it in, why don't you?

Is that the emergency?

Sort of.

Plus, I just wanted to hang out with you guys

before I lose you.

[Mark sighs]

You're not gonna lose us, Rose.

We're gonna be living in different cities.

So what?

We're gonna drift.

No, we won't.

We'll stay as close as ever.

[chuckles] Okay, yeah.

-What? -That's what people always say.

They say, "Oh, we're gonna be friends forever,"

and then they're not. It's a lie.

How could you know that? You've never graduated college?

You cannot deny that it's gonna change,

and it'll happen little by little

till the next time we see each other.

It's like, what?

Like, homecoming, random road trips, weddings.

Hey, weddings are fun.

Imagine us at a wedding.

We'll tear shit up.

I wasted two years with Cap.

Yeah, he wasn't your best choice, but you know what?

-We're not gonna do this. -No, sippies.

-No sippies. -Sippies, sippies.

No sippies, no sippies.

-No sippies. -Sippie!

No si..., thank you.

Do you know that he slept with somebody else?

I heard. I think everyone heard.

A freshman.

A freshman!

[Rose sobbing]

[ping pong ball bouncing]

[crys, pants]

That's something that you would do.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I wouldn't cheat.

-[Rose scoffs] -I wouldn't.

You're terrified of commitment.

-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.

No, I am not.

I'm not terrified of commitment.

I just need to find someone

that I'm not terrified to commit to.

-That's different. -Oh, yeah?

38, was it, or has that number gone up?

I wonder, which of the 38 was I?

Okay.

I don't count you.

Why?

No, Jesus! Stop!

Look, don't take this the wrong way or anything,

but you weren't just another notch in my belt.

Oh.

-Thanks. -No, taking it the wrong way!

Taking it the wrong way!

Oh my God!

Did you leave any vodka for Russia?

Come on, we've already done it three times.

Thrice.

That was two years ago.

But it was fun.

-It was fun. -Yes, it was very fun.

But we said we would never talk-

Why are you being such a vagina about this?

Jesus Christ, what has gotten into you tonight?

Apparently not you.

Come on!

I'm throwing myself at you

with no strings attached.

I thought this was what you looked for in a woman.

-Ooh! -[thuds]

[Rose groans]

Oh.

[Mark exhales]

Jesus, Rose!

Do you really not know why we couldn't do this

aside from the fact that you're fuckin' obliterated?

No. Oh God,

I swear I don't get you sometimes.

You're just a piece of work.

-Oh, am I? -I just don't even...

Are you half as oblivious as you act?

Who are you calling 'olibvious' Mr. Fancy Word?"

Do you have any idea what it would do to him if he came...

Ryan! [laughs]

Okay.

Come on! Hey!

What's going on?

I'm drunk.

I can see that.

Are you okay?

Mm-hmm.

I have to use the bathroom.

Are you gonna be sick?

No, I haven't been sick from alcohol

since freshman year.

Junior year, St. Patrick's Day.

Besides that.

[door opens, closes]

[Ryan exhales]

[Ryan sighs]

-Is she okay? -[Mark exhales]

Yeah, man, she's fine.

She's just...

drunk and sentimental.

-She broke up with Cap, so- -She did?

But don't do anything about it tonight, okay?

She's in kind of a weird place about it, I think.

[Rose coughing]

How do you mean?

-[Mark exhales] -I don't know.

I think she's worried about moving to New York,

and she thinks we're all gonna drift apart or something.

[exhales]

Hey, she was looking for you, right?

She wanted to see you, so.

Yeah.

You think that means anything?

Yeah, I don't..

I mean, it could.

It's a complicated question.

She's a complicated person.

[Rose retching]

[Rose coughing]

You still gonna tell her?

Yeah.

I have to.

Yeah, I get it. Just be careful.

You're the one always telling me to sack up and do it.

I know, I'm not telling you not to do it.

I think you should. I just-just, you know...

-[Mark exhales] -[water running]

Sometimes I just think that

Rose doesn't really know what she wants.

-[door opens] -[toilet flushes]

I threw up.

Do you wanna sleep here tonight?

Oh, yes, please.

Oh!

Oh!

All right, I'll get her a blanket.

You make sure she doesn't break her neck.

Oh!

[Rose sighs]

Heaven.

Are you feeling okay?

Mm-hmm.

Puking helps.

I didn't mean about the drinking.

Oh.

I don't know.

Can you talk about it?

I'm just really gonna miss you.

Yeah, me too.

[sniffles]

[light switch clicks]

Did you have fun at my formal?

-Of course. -Really?

Yeah, of course.

Did you?

I had so much fun.

I'm so glad Cap didn't go.

Yeah, me too.

I was worried. You seemed distracted.

-I did? -Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I must have been thinking about

a lot or something.

You're always thinking.

[sighs]

Am I?

You're always thinking,

but you never say what you're thinking about.

[nostalgic music playing]

No, I probably don't.

Mm.

Do you remember when we first met?

Pancakes for Parkinson's.

Yeah.

We flipped pancakes next to each other.

You sucked so bad.

That was, like, the second time I'd ever held a spatula.

[laughs]

It was cute.

I got it, eventually.

Sort of.

[chuckles]

Remember Halloween last year,

when we went to all the frat parties

dressed like Gumby and Pokey.

-[Ryan] Yeah.

We looked hella good.

We did.

Do you wanna know what my favorite memory is, though?

What's that?

It was when it snowed two feet in a day.

We were stranded,

trying to get home for Christmas.

We had, like, exams on the last day,

so almost everyone was gone.

Flights got canceled.

So we put on our snow clothes.

[Rose laughs]

And stole trays from the cafeteria and went sledding.

[both chuckle]

No one could drive.

Almost everything was closed.

[exhales softly]

It was all just white...

and quiet.

It felt like it was just you and me,

and we had the whole campus to ourselves.

We built an igloo, that was cool.

[Ryan chuckles]

And then we stayed out for hours,

till the stars came out,

and you said that they looked like snowflakes.

[♪♪♪]

What's your favorite memory?

[Rose moans]

I love you, Ryan.

Goodnight, Rose.

[lamp clicks off]

[reflective folk music playing]

[♪♪♪]

♪ I've never been this far before ♪

♪ Waves across the railing ♪

♪ And I've somehow lost the lights of shore ♪

♪ And the outboard motor's failing ♪

♪ Have I ever been this turned around ♪

♪ Have I been more at your mercy ♪

♪ It's cold, I'm stoned ♪

♪ I'm watching the boat go down ♪

♪ I'm yours to help or hurt me ♪

♪ Horse no rider ♪

♪ Horse no rider ♪

♪ Horse no rider ♪

♪ Coming through ♪

♪ I'm runnin' ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ I'm runnin' ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Make my way the best I can ♪

♪ Fog against the headlights ♪

♪ And the pale captor waiting ♪

♪ At each turning in the roadside ♪

♪ Has my hunger ever been more plain ♪

♪ Has my need ever been more naked ♪

♪ It's too late in the evening to be ashamed ♪

♪ If you're offering, I'll take it ♪

♪ Horse no rider ♪

♪ Horse no rider ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ Horse no rider ♪

♪ Coming through ♪

[birds chirping]

[distant chattering]

The one that got away.

Go away, Mark.

I...

got your cufflinks.

She's not the one that got away.

Everyone says it's better to have loved and lost.

No one ever says, "It's better to have loved,

but never gotten."

You know, it's funny.

I used to hope for this.

I thought it didn't matter who I was with.

I wanted Rosalyn Baker to come in

with a declaration of love,

and we'd run off together.

I thought that's what I wanted.

Yeah, man, but you know what they say,

"Wishes are like assholes."

That's not what they say.

Sure it is.

No, the expression is "excuses are like assholes."

Right.

Well, maybe wishes are like assholes.

Why would wishes be like assholes?

I don't know, man. I'm just...

trying to find the words to say.

I never thought the other woman would be Jules.

You know, my father, when I was 14,

he gave me a talking to about the fairer sex.

You know, he knew that when you see a really pretty girl,

your first instinct is to clam up and get nervous,

which makes you say something stupid,

and you want to dip your balls into a blender and just...

[imitates blender whirring]

So he said,

"Mark, when you see a really pretty girl,

you just imagine her sitting on the pot,

because, son,

even the most beautiful woman you meet has taken big,

terrible-smelling shits just like you have."

That's beautiful.

I know how much you loved her,

and I rooted for you.

You know I did.

Can I ask you something?

Is Julia perfect?

-What? -Well, I don't know.

I mean, you know, I think she is,

but you probably know her better than I do,

so I'm just wondering if she's perfect.

No.

Really? Weird.

You sure?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm?

What if I'd ask you that about Rose senior year?

You loved her, you did,

but you also idealized her a little bit.

And that's poison.

I mean, it's wonderful,

sweet, delicious poison.

You thought Rose shit flowers and Hershey's Kisses,

but she doesn't.

She shits shit.

But you held onto her in this, like,

perfect crystalline form,

and eventually it's gotta turn over.

You know, it has to get real.

And what you and Julia have,

it's very real.

And I don't get that.

You know, to me,

she's still the perfect woman.

And my stupid male brain keeps saying,

"Well, maybe if you'd kept her for yourself,

it'd be you up here today."

I mean, it's stupid.

It's insane. It's a fantasy.

You don't need a fantasy.

You have a reality,

and you know her better than you know anybody.

You know what she looks like in the morning

when she hasn't tried one iota.

You know what she mutters to herself

when she thinks she's alone in the kitchen.

You know what the bathroom smells like

when she loses a fight with Indian food.

Man, what is with you and poop?

I don't know.

I'll have to consult Freud.

It's probably bad.

The point is, is that you know her,

and you get to love her for life.

So don't trade that for a fantasy,

because I have a fantasy

and I would trade it for her.

I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me about it.

I genuinely don't remember it.

[Livia] Oh my God.

And it happened before we were dating.

[Julia] Hello.

Oh, sorry.

Oh shit, sorry. I didn't know this was-

You're fine.

Can I help you?

Um, yes, I am with the caterer,

and we just wanted to know

if you wanted an update on the status of your food.

[chuckles]

Sure.

Uh, it's being prepared, and it will be so good.

[Rose chuckles]

Thank you.

While I have you,

can I inquire about the four vegan meals?

Were those prepared?

Certainly, we made five,

just in case someone gets converted.

Well, that was smart.

Oh, and, Rose.

Is there going to be cutlery

or will the guests be eating the steaks

and salmons with their hands?

Ah, yes.

There will be proper cutlery.

You...

you just called me Rose, didn't you?

I've seen pictures.

Right.

So I'm guessing you don't work for the caterer.

I told him to invite you.

I hope you didn't think

that you weren't invited because of

petty jealousy or anything.

Oh, no, I don't think that.

But I do recall

he did decide not to invite you,

which begs the question...

Why am I here?

One does wonder.

You know what? I actually thought I had been invited.

-No, you didn't. -No, you're right.

That was a lie.

Uh...

Do you wanna know when I knew I wanted to marry Ryan?

Yeah, sure.

[gentle music playing]

He told me once

that John and Abigail Adams started all their letters

to each other with "my dearest friend."

And it was something about the way he said it

that made me realize,

all my boyfriends till then,

I'd never considered any of them a friend,

but Ryan had become a dear friend,

and he considered me as such.

It was something distinct

from our romantic feelings for each other,

like a different kind of love.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I know you do.

So...

did you tell him?

Yes.

Well...

thanks for doing it before the ceremony,

not during.

I'm not a total monster.

I know...

You couldn't be a total monster.

Ryan loves you.

Yeah, but he sees the best in people.

He does.

That's what friends do.

[soft music playing]

Am I still getting married today?

[Rose] I think so.

Hmm.

Good.

I'd very much like to.

[chuckles]

Thank you though.

Sure. But why is that?

Sometimes I know he's thinking about you.

I don't know how to explain that, but I do.

It's like he just drifts off for a moment,

falls into a memory.

And I think I would always wonder

if he really chose me,

or if he just took me

because he never really had the choice.

So...

now I guess I'll know.

Fuck, that is mature.

It's not that different from what you're doing.

It's pretty different.

Yeah, it's pretty different.

So where is he now?

Well...

we don't exactly know.

Hmm.

One of the gardens, probably.

He loves gardens.

Yes, he does,

Rose.

Tell him whatever you need to.

I think there's only one thing left to say.

Well, go say it.

That's between you two.

[Ryan] What if she hadn't moved to New York?

Ooh, hypotheticals.

Those are fun.

Yeah, sure. I'll play this game.

Hypothetical one,

what if Rose had never moved to New York?

Hypothetical two,

what if I had never introduced you to Julia?

Hypothetical three,

what if Scarlett Johansson

suddenly appeared and started to diddle your nutsack?

Diddle, diddle, diddle.

[Mark laughs]

I like those. Those are all fun hypotheticals,

but they have absolutely no bearing on where you are today.

You can walk down a million different what-ifs.

You'd still end up right here on this bench with me.

This is your reality.

Your fantasy's running off with a girl

who broke your heart in college.

To make that your reality,

you have to go into that cottage.

You have to tell Julia, "Take off the dress."

Tell everyone else to go home.

Wedding's over.

[indistinct chatter in background]

Is that something you want?

No.

Yeah.

[sniffles]

[footsteps approaching]

Part of me will always love her, though.

Yeah, I know.

Go tell her goodbye.

Will you be okay with, uh...

The whole desperate love of your fiance thing?

Yeah, man, I feel really good about it.

Plus, hey, I got like seven different Stephanies

just waiting on my call, so.

You are good enough for one woman, Mark.

I'll see you at the altar.

Yeah.

[wistful music playing]

[♪♪♪]

[Rose] Hey.

Hey, you.

[chuckles]

I'm so sorry this was...

Stupid?

-Yeah. -Reckless?

[scoffs]

Okay.

Selfish, impetuous,

dramatic, immature,

so tactless.

I get it.

And it was brave.

It is worth the risk.

Sorry it didn't work out for you.

I just...

I just want you to be happy.

That's it. I promise.

I am.

You will be too.

Yeah.

I love you, Ryan.

I'm not...

I...

I can't say that to you anymore.

I know.

But if...

[♪♪♪]

We'll just have to keep it plutonic.

[Rose chuckles]

Yeah.

Strictly.

[both chuckle]

Look, I gotta get ready.

I can't figure out how to tie this damn bow tie.

Here.

Let me help you.

My dad taught me.

-[Rose] I'm Rose. -[Ryan] Ryan.

Don't act like that wouldn't annoy the hell outta you.

Come on, be my date.

Yeah.

And you said that they looked like snowflakes.

[bittersweet romantic music playing]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[somber music playing]

[birds chirping]

[music fades]

[sniffles]

[exhales deeply]

Did you know ducks have corkscrew penises?

-What? -They're really weird.

Look at that.

Oh! Jesus, Mark!

-Ew! -[Mark laughs]

God!

[Rose chuckles]

I told you weddings would be fun.

Yeah.

You also said we wouldn't drift apart.

Yeah.

You know, when you and I were fooling around,

I stopped because I found out that, you know,

Ryan was pretty nuts about you,

and it seemed like you and I were just having fun.

So I was happy to stand aside

and let him have his shot.

[sighs]

But there was part of me that...

I mean, you're great.

You know, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny.

You're just the right amount of crazy.

[Rose chuckles]

Let's face it, I'm kind of a dick.

So, I mean, he's...

he's the best guy I know.

So I figured if one of us was gonna be with you,

it should be him because he deserves you.

But then you come today, and you do all this.

And, man, I was totally wrong.

I definitely deserved you.

I mean, at this point,

oh man, do you even think you deserve me?

You slept with his sister.

I need a lot of therapy.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Maybe I do too.

Hm.

How about this?

If we're still single when we're 35,

we get married.

37.

Really?

You need those two years, huh?

You think that's when Prince Charming shows up?

He's just out there flouncing around,

looking for some nubile beauty

approaching the tail end of her thirties.

-Hey! -[Mark laughs]

God!

All right, 37.

I can wait.

[sighs]

So...

what do we do now?

We watch the people that we are in love with

marry each other.

Sounds awesome.

Yeah.

[reflective folk music playing]

[chuckles]

♪ How ya doin' now, kid ♪

♪ Staring at the sun ♪

♪ Driving while you're blinded ♪

♪ Tryna be someone ♪

♪ Who you don't even like, no ♪

♪ You smile while you spiral ♪

♪ How ya doin' now, kid ♪

♪ Still in your own head ♪

♪ You never feel excited ♪

♪ Like you used to get ♪

♪ You find it hard to sleep right ♪

♪ You miss what steady feels like ♪

♪ Well, you only knew love once and you let her go ♪

♪ Now you dream of the heart and the hands you'll never hold ♪

♪ So tell me ♪

♪ That you're all right ♪

♪ And tell her ♪

♪ The love you have for her smile ♪

♪ Oh, you do what you love ♪

♪ But you fade every month ♪

♪ And you're quite sure now ♪

♪ That you won't be enough ♪

♪ And you're crying ♪

♪ Still I'm proud that you're trying ♪

♪ How ya doin' now, kid ♪

♪ How ya doin' now ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ I wish someone had told you ♪

♪ You could feel this way ♪

♪ Perfect's what you're used to ♪

♪ Back in the 3rd grade ♪

♪ Your papers filled with teardrops ♪

♪ You learned how to make the tears stop ♪

♪ Well, you've only known love once ♪

♪ Don't you let her go ♪

♪ 'Cause you'll dream of the heart ♪

♪ And the hands you'll never hold ♪

♪ So tell me ♪

♪ That you're all right ♪

♪ And tell her ♪

♪ The love you have for her smile ♪

♪ Oh, you do what you love ♪

♪ But you fade every month ♪

♪ And you're quite sure now ♪

♪ You won't be enough ♪

♪ And you're crying ♪

♪ Still I'm proud that you're trying ♪

♪ So how ya doin' ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Life is short ♪

♪ At least you've learned it can be ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ So hold on tight to those who make you happy ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Find the heart to tell her how you're feeling ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ How ya doin' now, kid ♪

[music fades]