Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(rousing instrumental music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(charming, lighthearted music)

(soft pizzicato music)

- He begs your pardon.

He's terribly sorry.

Look, Steve, I'm terribly worried about you.

- Huh?

- I've never seen you take love like this before.

- Oh, I've never been in love

with a girl like Cynthia before.

- Oh, Cynthia.

Well, I'm not against marriage as an institution,

but as a husband, you'll still be a chaser.

- Wait'll you meet Cynthia.

- Bet you 10 to one you fall

out of love as fast as you fell in.

- Oh, just, just wait till you meet Cynthia.

- I can wait.

(engine rumbling)

If we live that long.

Say, look at all the couples.

Pick out any pair that looks happy.

Then ask the husband if he's ever chased.

- I can't ask personal questions of strangers.

- Bet you 100 bucks.

- Oh, it's a bet? - Yeah.

- Oh, well, let's do it.

Uh, excuse us, but, uh, we're, um...

- Uh, we're taking, uh, a Gallup poll.

- Of marriage.

- Oh. (Steve chuckles)

- We assume that you're both happily married.

(couple chuckling)

- Oh, divinely.

(all chuckling) - Yes.

- Oh.

Thank you.

(couple laughing)

They're both happily married, but not to each other.

- Now it's my turn.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

- No.

- Uh, happily married, of course.

- Of course.

- Before you were married, did you ever chase?

- Why, you rat.

(cane clatters)

- [Lucky] Oh, you wanna play, eh?

(woman squeals)

- Oh, please don't do this!

He has to meet Cynthia! - Oh, get outta here,

get outta here, go on!

- All right.

- Oh, no, you don't, you-- - Break it up!

- You stop it! - Come on, now!

Stop this fighting.

- I beg your pardon, I beg--

- I never give anything to beggars.

Young man, you have probably splintered my sacroiliac,

to say nothing of Chichi's.

- I've been bumping into things all night.

- That is no excuse.

When's your birthday?

- May 12th, but I never expect presents, really.

- May, is it two, four, seven.

Well, it's a very fortunate thing we're strangers.

Our numbers clash.

Young man, you spell trouble for me.

- I didn't get what you said.

- Your vibrations, your vibrations!

Young man, I hope I shall never have the pleasure

of meeting you again.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

(woman sighs)

- Why don't you go away?

- New York, crowded, isn't it?

- May the 12th!

You see?

(Chichi barking)

Chichi doesn't like you either.

- That's funny, I usually get along better

with dogs than with anybody.

(woman chuckles)

- Odd place to check your hat.

Too bad your head wasn't in it.

- Now look here, I don't know you

and you don't know me!

We'll be out of here in a few minutes,

even if I was born on May 12th.

(woman scoffs)

(woman sighs)

- Stop playing with those buttons!

There, now, you've broken it.

- I did nothing of the sort!

- Don't tell me, I saw you do it!

Young man, you're bad luck to me.

This elevator will be out of order while you're in it.

- Is that so?

Then there's only one thing for me to do!

- Now what are you doing?

- [Steve] Taking a hint.

- You think?

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

(lady whimpering)

Ah!

Help!

(doorbell buzzing)

- (sighs) Oh, Cynthia.

- (giggles) Steve, what have you done,

taken up street sweeping?

- Yes, I...

Oh.

- Well, it's a nice hobby.

At least it keeps you out in the open.

- Oh, Cynthia.

- Do you like it?

It just came and I couldn't wait to try it on.

- Oh, Cynthia!

- (chortles) Darling!

Can't you say anything but "Oh, Cynthia"?

Oh, I forgot.

You shouldn't be seeing me in this.

- I never want to see anything else.

- Oh, but it's bad luck.

I have to go and change it.

Oh, say, darling, by the way, what happened to Lucky?

- Who? - Lucky.

You know, the best man.

- Oh, he got delayed a little.

- Oh, I see.

- Where's your aunt?

- Oh, she went for a drive, but she'll be right back.

(doorbell buzzing)

- Oh, there she is.

Now, darling, go and open the door for her, will you?

- (clicks tongue) Hope I make a hit with her.

- [Cynthia] Oh, you will, she'll love you.

- Oh! Cynthia!

- Oh, Cynthia!

- Oh, Aunt Kitty, what's the matter?

- That, that man.

- Oh, yes, yes, that's Steve.

You've been wanting to meet him.

This is my Aunt Kitty.

- Hm.

- Well, what's the matter with everybody?

- Is that the man you're going to marry?

- Oh, yes.

What are you staring at?

Has he got two heads?

- He knocked me down the street,

he broke the elevator, he abandoned me between floors

and he was born on May the 12th.

- Is that your idea of making a good impression?

- [Steve] Oh, I don't feel well.

(Chichi barking)

- Oh! Chichi!

Now he's sitting on Chichi.

Dog murderer.

- I didn't even see the mutt!

Incidentally, why don't you run around

with something your own size?

- Cynthia, get my things.

I can't stay in this house another moment!

- Oh, now, Aunt Kitty, don't get yourself in a snit.

Steve'll go.

- Couldn't we perhaps be a little

more reasonable about this?

It's just a silly accident after all.

- Cynthia, get that man out of this house this minute.

- Come on, "that man," an exit is indicated.

I've never seen anybody make a more interesting impression.

- Well, that isn't all my fault.

Oh, Cynthia, what's the matter with her?

- Well, nothing, darling, she's just getting on,

but you know, when a woman reaches 40--

- 40?

I'll bet you 50 she'll never see 60 again.

- Is that so?

Never attempt to see or communicate with my niece again.

The marriage is off, definitely off!

- Oh, Aunt Kitty, he didn't mean that.

- Aunt Kitty, I didn't mean--

(fabric tearing)

- [Cynthia] Oh!

(Cynthia panting) - Oh, Cynthia.

It's off.

- You bet your life it's off.

Definitely off!

(rumbling thudding)

- Striking an officer, eh?

- Oh, I assure you, Your Honor, it was an accident.

- Does that look like an accident?

- Disgraceful.

How do you plead?

- Oh, guilty, of course.

- Of course?

Do you realize you're in for a fine, and a large one?

- Oh, you can make it as large as you like.

It won't come out of my pocket.

- It'll come out of somebody's.

- Certainly, the insurance company's.

- Hmm.

Queer kind of insurance.

- Oh, not at all.

My company'll insure anything from teapots to television.

- Hey, what about the charge here?

- Quiet.

I bet there's one thing you've never insured.

- Bet you my fine there isn't.

- What about the black eye?

- Order.

I'm running for superior court in the coming elections.

Could you cover the risk of--

- [Both] Reelection?

- Confidentially, what are your chances?

- Confidentially, I'm a cinch.

- Fine.

They'll insure you for twice your salary.

Just the little matter of putting your autograph

on the un-dotted line, right there.

- I never did see such goings-on.

Is this a court or a bargain counter?

- Order.

Well, thanks very much for dropping in.

- Oh, not at all.

You can mail me the check tomorrow.

Congratulations.

See you in superior court.

(judge chuckles)

- Hey, Judge McCracken, do you realize what you done?

You let him go without a fine.

(clears throat)

(gavel banging) - Sentence suspended!

What's your occupation?

- Politician.

- 90 days.

(gavel bangs)

- "My darling Cynthia,

"I could not sleep a wink last night

"because of my unfortunate behavior."

My lovely Cynthia, due to a series

of unhappy coincidence,

no, that's too stiff.

My dearest girl, is it my fault that you have a loony aunt?

- Sounds bad.

Say, what she'd feed you last night?

- [Steve] Aunt poison.

- Oh, Aunt Kitty, eh?

Well, how'd you do?

- I didn't do, I went.

- Oh, I did all right, like,

that reminds me, don't forget to vote

for a judge named McCracken.

- Oh, will you shut up?

My marriage is practically on the rocks.

- Oh. - Oh, if I could only be sure.

- To be sure, insure.

- Oh, I'm not interested in your screwy policies.

- That's wonderful.

Oh, that's marvelous!

Why didn't I think of that before?

- Think of what?

- Love insurance, love insurance.

- Oh, now I know you're crazy.

- Now, look, do you wanna be sure you'll marry Cynthia?

- Well, what do you think I'm yappin' about?

- All right, take out a policy!

Love insurance!

- I don't get it.

- Look, you'd be willing to lay 10 to one

on a horse, would ya?

- Oh, look, a policy is no bet,

and Cynthia's not a horse.

- But this policy would be a bet.

I'm willing to lay you 10 to one on your marriage.

If you marry Cynthia, you lose the bet and the premium.

- Oh, if I don't marry Cynthia, no amount

of money in the world will ever make up for her loss.

- I promise you, you'll get the girl, not the money.

Look, have I ever lost a bet before?

Did I ever have to pay off on a policy?

- Say, that's right.

You never did, did you?

- No.

- You've always been lucky, Lucky.

- Yes.

- Gimme something to sign.

I wanna make it legal.

- All right. - Oh, that's wonderful, Lucky.

Wonderful.

- Is Mr. Steve Harper in?

- Yes; there's a gentleman with him at the moment.

- Well, there'll be a lady with him

before you can say "Yehudi".

(head thumps)

- Ouch.

- Well, gotta get back to the office.

- Oh, I hate to let you go, Lucky.

You make me feel so, so lucky.

- Well, why not, you're practically

a married man, but (phone ringing)

incidentally, I think that's your phone ringing.

It might be Cynthia.

- Cynthia!

I thought it was my ears ringing.

(heavy clattering)

Insured!

Wonderful.

Hello?

Oh, Cynthia!

- That's sweet of you, Steve, but after all,

you know, this isn't Mother's Day.

Darling, if you send any more flowers

we'll have to move out.

- Oh, that's all right, you're welcome.

(doorbell buzzing)

- I'm sorry, Miss Fitzgerald, but Mr. Harper is out.

- [Mickey] Well, I'll just come in and wait.

- I'm sorry, I cannot allow you to come in.

But please, Miss Fitzgerald!

- [Mickey] Oh, jolly, you wanna play.

- Ow!

Oo!

- You're just more than welcome.

Oh, I can hardly wait until this evening.

- Is that so?

- Oh, hello, Mickey.

- Phoning the big moment?

- Oh, no, no, not at all.

I was just talking to my laundry.

- Oh, well, don't let me interrupt.

- Uh, hello?

- No, wait a minute, darling.

I've got Aunt Kitty all soothed and ready to talk to you.

Now, just a minute.

Aunt Kitty!

- Hello?

I guess that'll be all for today.

That'll take care of...

Look...

- No, Aunt Kitty is perfectly reconciled

to our being married and she'll soon love you

just as much as I do.

- [Steve] No, no, no (stammering).

Well, I don't think that today I'll have time

to go over the list with you.

Well.

Look, this thing can't,

this, this thing can't go on forever, you know.

I mean, everything I've been sending out

hasn't been coming back.

Yeah, yeah, look.

Uh, fully five pairs of socks are missing,

a dozen handkerchiefs, three towels.

- Five, three, 12.

- What are you counting for?

- The man you're engaged to is a May 12th lunatic,

and a dangerous one at that!

Scum!

- Hello?

Hello?

Sorta hung up.

Funny people, those laundries.

- She has a very pretty voice, your laundry.

- Yes, she...

How do you know?

- A man who leads a double life

shouldn't have two telephones.

- Mickey, I got a lot of things to do today.

Listen.

I'm not leading a double life anymore.

Well, I mean, it's double only in the sense

that from Saturday on I won't be single, I'll be double.

I mean, I'm gonna get married!

- Poor Stevie, always the dreamer.

You will not be married on Saturday because I love you,

and I'm going to keep on loving you

until I don't love you any longer,

and if you marry anybody, it'll be me,

because if you don't marry me,

you'll have too many broken legs to marry anybody else.

So, you can just get your laundry back

on the phone and tell her she's all washed up.

(door bangs)

- [Lucky] Hello, Dad.

- Hello, Son.

- Oh, hello, Doc.

- I've sold so many policies, I finally convinced myself.

- (chuckling) Take a look at that.

That'll step up your liver.

- There's nothing the matter with your father's liver.

You pass 100%.

- Good. - Oo, $100,000!

Say, there's nothing like having a go-getter

for a son, eh, Doctor?

- That's right, Mr. Moore.

(Mr. Moore laughing)

- What kind of a policy is it?

- [Lucky] Love insurance.

- Life insurance, that's good.

Congratulations.

- Oh, no, Dad, not life insurance.

This is something new: love insurance.

- Yeah.

Love?

Did you, did you say "love," L-O-V-E?

- That's right. - Love insurance?

Did you ever hear such stupidity, such imbecility,

such idiocy, such blithering?

Love insurance?

- Love is a beautiful thing, Mr. Moore.

- Well, I can't accept you as an authority.

How much is the policy for?

- Oh, uh, just a million.

- Just a million?

- Mr. Moore, I can hear your arteries hardening.

- What are you trying to do to me, Jim, break me?

Why, it's lunacy, insanity.

I can't stand it. - Dad!

- [Dad] It's plain suicide.

No firm would take this policy.

- But Dad, we already have.

It's all signed.

There's practically no risk.

- No risk?

- Sorry, Mr. Moore, but your blood pressure's way up.

We won't be able to pass you for a policy.

- Thanks to you and your blasted love insurance!

Get out of here!

Take it with you, to a bank, to a pawn shop.

Hock it, underwrite it.

Pick yourself another victim.

(jazzy dance music)

- I can't take all of it, but if I come in for half,

say, that'd kinda make me partners with your old man, huh?

- Sure you'd be partners.

- That's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is this?

Now, look, don't bother me for a while, huh?

- [Waiter] Yes, sir.

- Might surprise a lot of folks

who think all I can do is run a joint like this

if I went in for insurance.

- Roscoe, you'd bowl 'em over.

- Is this okay, boss? - Yeah, yeah, yeah,

what do ya got, I don't know.

Look, look, now lemme alone for a minute, will ya?

- [Bartender] Another drink, Mr. Roscoe?

- No, no, if I want a drink, I'll call you.

Now, lemme alone! - Yes, sir.

- Kinda crazy though, to risk a million

on Steve Harper gettin' hitched.

- Oh, he's really got it bad this time.

I've invited them here tonight for you to look 'em over.

- Okay, that's great.

Now, I'll scrutinize 'em personally,

and if I'm sold, what do I do?

- All you have to do is sign a little piece of paper.

I mean...

Hey. - Now what's the matter?

- Why, it's gone, my wallet!

- Yeah?

Oh, say, on the way in, did you pass a kind of

a tall guy in a dinner coat?

- Yeah. - Yeah, standin' there

with him, was there a little short, stout guy?

- Yeah. - That's what I thought.

It's about time you met up with the boys.

- Oh.

- [Abbott] Come on, Costello!

- [Costello] Okay, Abbott!

- [Costello] All right, now, wait, wait!

Get away from there!

Costello, what's the matter with you?

Why did you do that?

- [Costello] Oh, I'm a bad boy!

- Will you please go away?

You've done enough damage for one day.

- I wanna play. - You what?

How much you wanna bet? - $10.

- $10, it's a bet. - Okay.

- I'll bet $10. - $10 to you.

- Come over here. - That's the idea.

- 10 more, 10 more over here. - Now you're talkin'.

I never knew you gambled. - 10 more, 10 more over here.

- Now wait, what are you doing?

- I was makin' change. - I'll make the change.

Keep the money down there. - Okay.

- 10 more. - 10 more to you.

Now, look, now just a minute.

Don't steal it, win it honestly.

Put it down, there, no, I mean,

put it there and leave it there.

That's it.

Gimme that bill, gimme your hand.

Put it in my hand like that and leave it there.

You try to kid.

What are you doing?

- I wanna play.

- You got any more money?

- Oh, yeah, I got a lot of money on me.

- Let me see. - Plenty, plenty of money.

- Let me see it.

Well, $100 bills!

- Get a load of that: $100 bill.

- Five $100 bills. - $20 bill.

Another 100. - Hundreds!

- Another 100, 100. - They're all hundreds.

What was that? - Somebody put a buck in here.

- Oh, behave yourself.

- [Man] Can I bet $10.

- $10, why, certainly.

Now, wait a minute, I had a $10 bill a minute ago.

Have you got two 10s for a five?

- Yeah.

- There we are.

Now, there's your 10.

- Come on, come on!

- What's the matter with you, something wrong?

- Yeah, $15 went south!

- What do you mean?

- You gave me a lot of fast talk.

You say, "I got two 10s for a five,"

and I give it to ya. - Oh, you did?

Wise guy.

Okay, here's your five.

Give me back my two 10s.

- That's better. - Now get out of here.

- Okay. - All right.

Now you? - I wanna bet more.

- [Abbott] 10 more to you, that's the idea.

How about you, friend?

- Hiya, boss.

Here's two 10s, gimme a five.

(hearty laughing)

You did it to me.

And he did it to me too.

- Oh, certainly.

What are you doing?

- I don't know what I'm doing,

but whatever I'm doing, I'm doing wrong.

- Well, here, I'll straighten you out.

Here, I'll bet you $200.

- Okay. - Now, take a number,

any number at all from one to 10.

- Four. - Nope, number five,

but you were close.

You're getting hot, you're getting hot.

- Wanna make a wager, boss?

- Why not? - The bankroll,

the whole works.

Now you take a number, any number at all,

from one to 10.

- Seven.

- Oh, please.

Boss, I'll bet you $500.

- Uh-huh.

- Now, you take a number from one to 10.

- Seven. - No, number eight.

- I had eight. - You weren't even playin'.

Now, listen, you mugs, cut out this nonsense

and give him back his stuff.

- You heard the boss.

Give the man back his stuff.

- Is it in there?

- Yes, this is it.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- This is my wallet!

- I was minding it for ya.

- Minding it for me.

Now, listen, you 10-cent thief,

no more of this stealin'.

We've gone legitimate.

- You heard the boss, no more stealing.

We've gone legitimate.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing with my wallet in there?

What's the idea of this?

Why do you do things like this?

- Oh, I'm a bad boy.

(tender orchestral music)

- Darling, if you have Aunt Kitty all soothed now,

why didn't she come along with us?

- Oh, the address here added up to something fatal.

- Oh, really?

- [Costello] The boss wants to see you.

- All right with you, darling?

- Oh, of course. - If Jim comes along,

be very nice to him.

You'll know him by his long, gray beard.

- (chuckling) How does he wear it, braided?

- What does Roscoe want to see me about?

- (lyrical humming) Love.

- Your lipstick, mademoiselle.

- Oh, thank you, captain.

And would you get me a very dry martini, please?

- Oh, certainly.

A very dry martini, please.

- And no olive. - And no olive.

- Uh, it's not that I'm snobbish or anything,

but mightn't you get fired?

- I don't think so.

I'm invaluable here.

- Oh, well, it's nice to be appreciated.

- They know a good man when they see one.

- Do they know a fresh one when they see one?

- Oh, everything's fresh here, even the service.

(Cynthia chuckling) - Oh, you've met!

Isn't she wonderful, Jim?

- Jim; why, I thought he was a waiter.

- I thought she was a knockout.

- Well, this is an occasion to celebrate.

Best friend meets girl.

Did I do justice to both of you?

- Well, um, he's taller.

- She's prettier.

Very happy to have met you. - And I'm very happy to meet.

(all chuckling)

- From Mr. Roscoe.

- Thank you.

- Bad news?

- Oh, no, just a little business.

Well, here's to Saturday.

- Saturday.

- Saturday.

(sputtering coughs)

- Well, what's the trouble, Steve?

- Oh, nothing. - Oh, pardon me, please.

- Oh, what's the matter with him?

- Nothing, nothing.

About your Aunt Kitty, what did she say

the number of this place added up to?

- Hm?

- Uh, I don't like the look in your eye.

- That's too bad, we'll see how Steve likes it.

- Uh-uh, you better be quiet

or I'll have the flying squad bounce you

right out on your ear.

(audience applauding)

- Okay, you win.

You don't mind if I just speak

to the bandleader for a minute?

He's a friend of mine.

- No, but just for a minute.

- Thanks, Jim, I won't forget this.

- Uh, just collected a bet on the bounce.

- Oh, on the bounce is right.

- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise for you.

A well-known and popular little star

has volunteered to sing one of her numbers for us.

Miss Mickey Fitzgerald.

(audience applauding)

("Remind Me")

♪ Remind me ♪

♪ Not to find you so attractive ♪

♪ Remind me ♪

♪ That the world is full of men ♪

♪ When I start to miss you ♪

♪ To touch your hand ♪

♪ To kiss you ♪

♪ Remind me ♪

♪ To count to 10 ♪

♪ I had a feeling when I met you ♪

♪ You'd drive me crazy if I'd let you ♪

♪ But all my efforts to forget you ♪

♪ Remind me I'm in love again ♪

♪ I get my heart well in hand ♪

♪ And I'm certain ♪

- Shoe, shoe's untied. ♪ That I could take you ♪

♪ Or leave you alone ♪

♪ But you begin ♪

- Friend of yours? - Mine?

Why, I thought you knew her.

- Oh, I never saw her before in all my life.

- Oh, no, mine, mine. ♪ I have a will made of steel ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ But when it seems about to bend ♪

♪ Remind me ♪

♪ Not to find you so attractive ♪

♪ Remind me ♪

♪ That the world is full of men ♪

♪ When I start to miss you ♪

♪ To touch your hand ♪

♪ To kiss you ♪

♪ Remind me to count to 10 ♪

♪ I had a feeling when I met you ♪

♪ You'd drive me crazy if I'd let you ♪

♪ But all my efforts to forget you ♪

♪ Remind me I'm in love ♪

♪ Again ♪

(audience applauding)

- (chuckles) Great, isn't she?

- I think she's coming over to talk to you, Lucky.

- Pardon me.

- He's, uh, restless, isn't he?

- Who?

- Him. - Oh, yes, he is, he...

- You know, you're the cutest little trick.

I just love your singing.

- And I can scream like a wounded buffalo, too.

- Oh, no, you won't, you'll probably talk.

- Listen, son, I love him,

and she's not going to marry him

because I'm going to marry him over your dead body!

- Sh! - Don't you tell me to shush.

I'll show you how loud I can yell!

If you think you can get a-- - No!

(muffled mumbling)

- [Mickey] Stop!

- Lucky, Cynthia's sore!

- I'll take care of Cynthia.

Duck!

Oh, duck! - Oh.

(nervous chuckling)

Got a nickel?

- Oh, uh, hello.

- What goes on around here, anyway, Jim?

Red ants or something?

- Oh, just some natural interruptions.

Nothing important, really, just--

- I know, but where's Steve?

Thank you for a very lovely evening.

I have to go home now and instruct the telephone company

to disconnect my phone.

- I know, but Steve...

- Kick him goodbye for me.

- What is this, the Lincoln Highway?

- Quiet.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

What goes on here?

- Oh, it's just a temporary setback, that's all.

- Yeah, well, if anything goes wrong with that marriage,

what'll happen to you will be kinda bad.

And it won't be temporary.

- Yes, sir.

- And it won't be temporary with you boys

if you let that guy outta your sight

because you got a new job now.

You're frontin' for Cupid.

- Mm, Cupid.

- What are you laughing at?

You heard the boss.

And stop smoking.

No smoking in here.

- Who's smokin'? - You are.

- What makes you think I'm smoking?

- You have a cigar in your mouth.

- I got my shoes on, but I'm not walkin'.

- Oh, come on!

(doorbell buzzing)

(slight coughing)

- Steve!

- What do you know about carbon monoxide?

- You won't need it.

We're leaving for San Marcos at four o'clock.

- What's San Marcos?

- The tropics, South America.

We have to catch a boat this afternoon!

There's no time to lose, hurry, come on!

- Well, why?

- You dope, she's going!

- Who, Cynthia? - Yes!

- Oh, she won't talk to me.

She hates me, she'll never forgive me after last night.

- She's got to.

You'll get 'round her on the boat, come on.

- How can we get around anybody on the boat?

We haven't any tickets, have we?

- Don't argue, I'll get them.

Now, lookit, lookit.

I'll get packed and go and see the old man.

Pack a pier, meet you at the bag at three.

I mean, pack a three and meet you at the bag of pier.

I mean, I'll meet you at three!

- (mumbles) Uh, Thompson! - Yes, sir?

- Now, don't get excited, but get a bag

and pack the pier at three.

We're sailing at four o'clock, hurry up!

- Yep! - Oh, Cynthia, I love you!

- Cupid.

- Stupid!

Come on, the stairs!

(doorbell buzzing)

- Mr. Harper is out.

- [Mickey] Quite sure of that?

- Well, I mean he's almost out.

He's leaving town this afternoon.

- We'll see.

(Thompson huffs)

- Mickey.

- Steve?

Steve, don't be frightened, dear.

I just came to say goodbye

because I'm going out of your life forever.

- Oh, well, I hope you have a pleasant trip.

- Ah, I see you're leaving town, eh?

- Yeah, I'm in an awful hurry, Mickey.

- You know, Stevie, darling, even if we are parting,

I'll always worry about you, you know that.

- Thanks. - I wouldn't want you

to catch cold, or anything,

so promise me you'll take your warm overcoat.

- Oh, it's very hot down there, won't need it.

- Oh, but the nights are always chilly.

- In San Marcos?

(laughing) No, no.

- Well, I guess you go your way and I go my way.

- Yes.

I go your way and you go, you go.

I go. - How's about

a farewell snort?

- Well, the boat sails in an hour.

It'll have to be just one.

- Oh, just one, Stevie-weavie.

(Steve chuckling)

- All right.

(Mickey chuckles)

(Steve chuckles)

- Oh, yes.

I'm sorry I have to leave so soon.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

(glasses click)

(passengers chattering)

- Five minutes of four, where is that guy?

- Maybe he's over at my hotel suit.

- Costello!

Not your suit, your suite.

- You're cute too, Abbott.

I like you.

(slap cracks) - Hey!

- Very smart! - Boys, stop,

will you please, there's no time for that!

I can't even get him on the phone.

Phone must be out of order.

You go to the taxi stand, wait there.

You get in a cab and go to the hotel, see if he's left yet.

Get goin'! - All right, all right!

Now, can you come here?

Where are you going?

Come here, over this way!

- [Radio] And it's a low grounder, back of third base.

- Ball game! - Pitcher Jumbo has it.

There's the throw, and Dizzy Dean is safe at first base.

- Dizzy Dean on first base!

- Do you like ball games?

- I love 'em. - Come here.

You know, don't say a word to Roscoe.

Do you know, I have a ball team of my own?

- You have? - Sure.

And you know what, they give ballplayers nowadays

very peculiar names.

- Funny names? - Nicknames.

You know, like Dizzy Dean--

- His brother, Daffy. - Daffy Dean.

- What's the fellas' names on the team?

- Well, now, let's see, we have Who's on first,

What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

- That's what I wanna find out.

- I'm saying Who's on first, What's on second,

I Don't Know's on third.

- Are you the manager? - Yes.

- You know the fellas' names? - Well, I should.

- Well, who's on first? - Yes.

- I mean the fella's name.

- Who. - The first baseman.

- Who is on first.

- That's what I wanna find out.

- That's what I'm telling you, man.

- You got a first baseman?

- Certainly. - Who's playin' there?

- Yes - I mean the fella's name.

- Yes, Who. - On first base.

- That's the man's name.

- That's whose name? - Yes.

- Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

- Well, naturally.

- Who signed the contract?

- Well, now, you wouldn't expect anybody else to sign it.

- But who? - Yes.

- When you pay off the first baseman every month,

who gets the money?

- Every dollar of it.

- He does? - Yes.

- Every buck. - Every buck.

- He gets every buck.

Mm-hmm.

Look, all I'm tryin' to find out is what

is the fella's name on first base.

- Oh, now, wait a minute, let's straighten that out.

What is on second base.

- I'm not askin' who's on second.

- Who is on first.

- I don't know. - Oh, he's on third.

Now, we're not talking about--

- How did I get on third base?

- You mentioned his name.

- I mentioned his name? - Yes.

- If I mentioned the third baseman's name,

who did I say's on third?

- Oh, no, Who's on first!

- Never mind first!

I wanna know what's the fella's name on third base.

- But What's on second.

- Who's on second? - Who's on first.

- I don't know. - He's on third.

- There I go, back on third again.

- Well, I can't help that.

- Let's you and I stay on third base,

don't go off it.

- Well, what is it you wanna know?

- Who is playing third base?

- Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

- Now, who am I putting on third base?

- Yes, but we don't want him there.

- You don't want who there? - No.

- So what's the guy's name belongs there?

- What belongs on second.

- Who belongs on second?

- Who is on first.

- I don't know.

- Third base. - Third base?

Now I'm back on third base, again.

- Well, I can't help that.

- You got a pitcher on the team?

- Naturally.

- What's the pitcher's name?

- No, What is on second.

- Who's on second? - Who's on first!

- I don't know. - Third base!

- Look, I'm a catcher too, you know.

- What do ya mean. - I'm a catcher.

- Well, what about it? - I'll catch on your team.

- Oh. - The heavy hitter gets up.

- So? - He bunts the ball.

Me, being a good catcher,

I wanna throw the ball to first base,

so I pick ball and throw it to who?

- Now, that's the first thing you've said right!

- That's the first thing I said right.

- Mm, that.

- I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Mm-hmm.

Look, all I wanna know is

when I pick up the ball, I throw it to first base,

who gets it?

- Right, right, absolutely right.

Naturally, if you throw the ball to first base,

Who is bound to get it.

- I don't know! - Third base!

(ship's horn blasts)

(crowd shouting farewells)

(warning whistle tooting)

- Bye! - Bye, Betty!

- [Woman] Goodbye.

- What time is it?

- Oh, it's about half past two.

- Half past, oh, I really ought to be going.

- It's wonderful how you hold your drinks.

- Oh, liquor never affects me.

- Hey, who do you think you are, Humphrey Bogart?

- Oo, Humphrey Bogart!

Can I have your autograph?

- Quiet, that's the boss!

- Quiet, mug!

I'll ship this case of scotch down to San Marco.

Get her outta here.

- Listen, I go where I like when I like.

- Get her outta town.

- Uh, where to, boss?

- Kansas City, a nice, dry, cool place.

- You heard what the boss said.

Come on. - Hey.

I will punch you right in the nose.

- You're gonna punch me right in the nose?

- That's right.

Not around it? - No.

- Right in it? - Yes.

- A tough kid. - Toughie.

- Feel that.

Not there, here.

- Oh.

- Feel that, go ahead.

That's enough, let go!

- All right, all right. - That's enough, let go!

- All right, all right. - Come on, come on.

Get her out of town.

- [Abbott] Okay, boss.

Get out of the way.

Come on, you heard the boss.

- Hey, you let go of me. - Come on, now.

- [Costello] Come on, outta here!

(Abbott and Mickey scuffling) Come on, get outta here!

- I won't go! - Open,

open the door. - Get out, come on.

I can't, I got my hands full.

- Ah, you! - Come on, out!

- [Mickey] Get your...

(jazzy dance music)

(ship's horn blasts)

- No soap, sir, the lady refuses to see you.

She says she'll remain in her cabin

as long as you're on board.

- What does she want me to do, jump overboard?

- She made some such suggestion, sir.

- Well, that's all right, I'll wait here.

I sent another note in with her tea.

- Possibly, if you glance in, sir,

you'll see that your efforts are hopeless.

- You mean, that's her cabin there?

- Yes, sir.

- Why didn't you tell me before?

- You didn't ask me, sir.

- Well, that's fine, steward,

but you forgot the salted almonds.

- Sorry, madam, I'll bring them.

- Oh, and steward, will you tell Mr. Moore

to climb a tree?

- [Steward] Yes, ma'am.

- [Lucky] "You and Your Kiss"?

- What?

- I mean, can you play it?

- Oh, sure. - Good.

- Ah, yes.

"You and Your Kiss".

("You and Your Kiss")

- Sorry, sir, but the young lady said to--

- Go climb a tree, I know.

Thank you, very much.

♪ In all my lonely life ♪

♪ I never guessed ♪

♪ That I'd be blessed with one like you ♪

♪ My poor unworthy heart ♪

♪ Is so impressed ♪

♪ It's too enormous ♪

♪ To be true ♪

♪ Stronger than the ocean ♪

♪ You and your kiss ♪

♪ Splendid as the sun at noon ♪

Uh, seaman's fund.

♪ Tender as a love song ♪

♪ You and your kiss ♪

♪ Just imagine ♪

♪ One poor me ♪

♪ With such a luxury ♪

♪ What can I exchange for ♪

♪ You and your kiss ♪

♪ Just a heart ♪

♪ And nothing more ♪

♪ In my most fantastic dream ♪

♪ I stood here like this ♪

♪ Waiting for you ♪

♪ And your kiss ♪

- Well, that's one way to get a lady out in the open.

- I meant every word of it.

Speaking for Steve, of course.

- Well, if you're speaking for Steve,

you can talk to yourself.

- Cynthia, please.

You made a terrible mistake last night.

- You mean, I saw a terrible mistake last night.

- Oh, you certainly did.

You see, Mickey isn't Steve's girlfriend, she's mine.

- Oh, does that make her community property?

- Uh, the phone booth?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, you see, Mickey has a very peculiar drawback.

She's even been to doctors about it.

Whenever she gets near a man, she simply has to kiss him.

- She must be nice to go around with.

- She's a terrible problem, practically psychopathic.

- Practically polygamous.

But why do you bother with a girl like that?

- I sometimes wonder myself.

So you see, Steve is an innocent victim.

- Well, I still don't see why he didn't come

and tell me himself.

- Well, there seemed to be something wrong with your phone.

(Cynthia chortling)

- It had off-the-hook trouble.

- So, you won't let a silly misunderstanding

like that interfere with your marriage?

- Well, Lucky, you seem to feel very strongly about it.

- Oh, I do.

You and Steve are simply made for each other.

So, you will forgive him, won't you?

- (chuckling) All right, John Alden, you win.

- Mr. Moore?

Mr. Moore.

Radiogram, sir. - Thank you.

Excuse me, please.

- Oh, yes, you go right ahead.

Bad news?

- Oh, no, good news.

Steve is flying down to San Marcos.

- Oh, wonderful, let me see.

- Oh, it slipped out of my fingers.

- Come, Chichi, come to Mama!

Come, Chichi, come to Mama.

Aw, that's a good boy.

Chichi!

Chichi, Chichi!

Oh, you saved him!

Young man, you're a hero.

You are a hero.

Why, I wouldn't lose Chichi for $1 million!

- $1 million?

- Now, there's a man.

What's his name?

- Jim Moore.

- Jim Moore.

I knew it.

He loves dogs and he adds up to eight.

If you must marry somebody,

why don't you marry an eight man?

- Oh, well, you forget, I'm engaged to marry Steve.

- And you forget you hate Steve.

That's why we're going to San Marcos.

- Oh, no, darling.

We're going to San Marcos

so I can marry Steve on Saturday.

- Your nuts, madam.

- I certainly am.

(horn bellowing) (bright festive music)

(crowd calling greetings)

(sultry violin music)

- Greetings on your beloved return to our pleasure domes.

Here in San Marcos, our chief industry is love,

and our chief export is happiness.

(entourage chuckling)

- Senor Escobar, still the same cute old horse thief.

- More and more, I feel that this ain't Kansas City.

- You shouldn't have let her buy the tickets.

- Don't be so suspicious, boys.

I just took the longest way around

so I could spend more time with you angels.

Now, be good boys and tell me a joke.

- Well, I don't know any jokes.

- I know one. - You know what?

- I wrote it myself.

- Oh, behave yourself.

- Brand-new story, nobody ever heard it before.

- You wrote it? - Yeah.

- And it's brand new? - Yeah, she'll like it.

You'll get a kick out of it.

- Is it funny? - Yeah.

The only thing is, I don't need you to help me.

I tell it all by myself.

- Brand-new joke? - Yeah.

It's all about a whale, a ship and Jonah.

- And it's brand-new? - It's good.

It's funny, don't worry, she'll laugh.

Now, once upon a time there was a whale--

- Well, what kind of a whale? - And this whale...

A plain, everyday whale. - All right.

- How do I know what kind of whale?

What do you think, I hang around with 'em?

- All right, all right, don't holler.

- What do you think I do, belong to a whale gang?

- Sh, now be-- - A whale, that's all.

- All right. - It's the father

to the sardine. - Yes, all right.

- Now, see, the whale was in the ocean, and the--

- What ocean?

What ocean? - An ocean.

- An ocean? - A plain, everyday ocean!

Pick out an ocean, what do I care?

- That's immaterial to me, there.

- Okay, the Immaterial Ocean.

- Oh, what kind of a story is this?

- Now, the whale was in the ocean, see,

and he was mindin' his own business,

but he was followin' a ship--

- What ship? - And this ship was...

Why, a ship that swims in the water.

- You mean a swim ship?

- Yeah.

Now, the whale was followin' the swim ship, and he...

Who ever heard of a swim ship?

- [Abbott] I don't know, you're telling the story.

- Well, why don't you let me tell the story!

Stop interruptin' me!

Keep your mouth shut, will ya?

- Go ahead.

- Now, the ship was following the whale.

- The what?

- Now I got the ship followin' the whale.

- The whale was following the ship.

- The whale was following the ship because he was hungry.

- Naturally. - Now.

Captain Jonah was the captain of the boat, see,

and he don't want the whale to capsize the boat,

so he threw the whale over a barrel of apples.

- What kind of apples? - Just...

Irksome, isn't he?

- What kind of apples?

- Apples that grow on a tree.

- Well, there's all kinds of apples.

There's Baldwin apples, there's frost apples--

- Crab apples!

- Well, all right.

- Excuse me.

Now, he threw over him over a barrel of crab apples,

and the whale was still hungry,

so then, captain Jonah threw him over a stool.

What kind of stool? - Who said that?

- I did, that's in case you asked.

- Uh-huh. - Three-legged camp stool,

it was, precisely speaking.

Now, Captain Jonah, see, after he did that,

the whale was still hungry,

then Captain Jonah figured, "The only way

"I could save the boat and my passengers

"is to sacrifice myself,"

and he did.

He threw a beautiful jackknife dive

right into the mouth of the whale.

Now, the whale ate Captain Jonah,

he ate the apples, and he ate the stool,

and then the whale swam away.

- Wait a minute, look.

How much more of this story have you got to tell?

- Just another second!

Now, why do you keep interruptin' me for?

- [Abbott] All right, all right, all right, all right.

Go ahead. - Aw, biffle diffle!

- [Abbott] Hear, hear, hear.

- Now you made me say a bad word.

- Please. - I'm sorry.

- [Abbott] It's all right, go ahead.

- Now, three years later, they caught that very same whale,

they cut him open, and what do you think they found?

Now you get ready to laugh.

- Wait a minute, just one more interruption.

You're not trying to insult

this little girl's intelligence

by getting away with that old story

about the time they caught the whale,

then they cut him open and there they found Jonah

seated on that stool selling those apples

three for a nickel, are you?

(Mickey laughing) That's not the...

No, it couldn't be that story.

No, no, no, it couldn't be that.

I mean, every little schoolboy knows that story.

But you go ahead and tell us.

What did they find when they cut the whale open?

Come on.

What did they find when they cut the...

(Mickey laughing) Now, don't laugh.

After all, I enjoy a hearty laugh as well as you do,

and if it's funny, we'll both enjoy a hearty laugh.

- Ah, senorita, there's no danger in bullfighting,

but there is much in the glance

from a lovely woman's eyes.

- Oh, that's a very gallant remark, senor.

- [Rudolfo] What can a man say

with so much beauty before him?

- Hm.

- Isn't Rudolfo wonderful?

Just wait till you see him

in his cute little toreador suit.

- I can wait.

(horn honks)

- My car, I should say, our car is here, senorita.

- What do you mean, "our car"?

- I, Rudolfo, am showing the town to the senorita.

- And I, Cynthia Merrick, am looking forward to it.

- And I, Kitty Marblehead,

shall take Chichi down to the briny.

- Don't you think you should take a bullfighter along?

- But, uh...

Oh, oh, yes!

Yes, of course, and he only adds to seven.

Won't you come with us, Rudolfo?

- But I, Rudolfo, cannot swim.

- That's what would make it interesting.

- But...

- Isn't Jim a simply charming fellow?

- All I can say, senora, is I wish he were a bull.

(tires rumbling)

- [Abbott] Hey, that looked like Jim with that Merrick dame.

- It sure did.

- Well, nonsense, it's only the sun in your eyes.

- Is that what it is?

- Sure, come on, boys.

Come on, out.

- Ah, greetings to our--

- [Mickey] Thank you very much.

I'm looking for a man called Steve Harper.

- Greetings to our pleasure domes, and I--

- That's enough, brother.

Has he arrived yet?

- Very soon, he's to be married on Saturday.

- Not while I'm here.

- Ah, greetings to our pleasure domes.

- [Steve] Thank you, I'm in a hurry.

- Yeah, but you have just arrived

and you must be greeted then, no?

- No! ("Cielito Lindo")

Why, I'm awfully sorry.

- May 12th, again.

- Ha.

("Simple Philosophy")

♪ Back in my shell like a respectable clam ♪

♪ No more love ♪

♪ No more grief ♪

♪ Back in my shell ♪

♪ We two is partin', madam ♪

♪ No more love ♪

♪ Just relief ♪

♪ We've seen the town ♪

♪ We had a stylish romance ♪

♪ You'll tear me down ♪

♪ But you ain't gettin' the chance ♪

♪ My rockin' chair is callin' me ♪

♪ Socially, honey ♪

♪ I'm through ♪

♪ Howdy do ♪

♪ And farewell ♪

♪ Because I'm crawlin' back ♪

♪ In my shell ♪

♪ No sense in grievin' ♪

♪ We had an even break ♪

♪ All along ♪

♪ Don't crave no Swanee ♪

♪ Frankie and Johnny ♪

♪ Downhearted song about me doin' you wrong ♪

♪ Back in my shell ♪

♪ My evenin' paper in hand ♪

♪ I'll just sit ♪

♪ And expand ♪

♪ I'll give you air ♪

♪ As of tonight you is free ♪

♪ I'll give you air ♪

♪ Before you give it to me ♪

♪ A happy man I'm gonna be ♪

♪ Socially, baby ♪

♪ I'm through ♪

♪ Howdy do ♪

♪ And farewell ♪

♪ Because I'm crawlin' back ♪

♪ In my shell ♪

- Now what kind of a song is that

to sing to a lady in the moonlight?

- The only safe kind.

- Safe?

Well, good night.

- Oh, where are you going?

- Oh, I don't know.

Rudolfo said something about a rumba lesson or something.

- Rudolfo!

He's got a grin on him like that alligator.

- Well, anyway, I'll bet he's a wow under the tropic moon.

- Anybody'd be a wow under a moon like that.

- Well, good night.

- Uh, well, it was fun, wasn't it?

I mean, shopping in the native quarter.

They didn't give us a bad night for dessert.

- (sighs) No, it is lovely, isn't it?

- So are you.

- Oh.

- Why did you say "oh" like that?

- I don't know.

I didn't say "oh" any particular way.

I just said, "Oh."

- Oh.

- Well, good night, Jim.

- Cynthia, I--

- Lucky? Lucky!

Oh, there you are!

I've been combing the whole town for you two.

Oh, don't you look wonderful, darling.

- So do you.

I mean, did you have a nice trip?

- Oh, fine, fine.

- What's that, what?

- Fine. - Darling, you must forgive me

for something.

- For what? - For thinking that awful,

psychopathic phone booth girl was yours.

- How's that again?

- Well, you see, I explained to Cynthia

that Mickey was a friend of mine.

- That's awfully nice of you, Luck (stammering).

- Nice of him?

- It takes a pal to be a pal.

If he made you believe,

I mean, if he got you to forgive me,

then I ought to be grateful.

Wouldn't anything, uh, body?

- What are you doing that at the hotel for?

- I didn't see anybody doing that to the hotel.

No.

- Well, if somebody wasn't doing that to the hotel,

then I'm crazy.

- I think I'll leave Romeo alone with his Juliet.

- Oh, no, I've gotta talk to you!

- You mean, you came 1,000 miles just to talk to him?

- Yes.

- Well, it's a fine friendship.

- Now, what's the matter with her?

- As a bridegroom, you are

as inspiring as a cold doughnut.

- Listen, I wanted to get you alone.

Mickey is here, right in the hotel.

- Mickey's here? - Yes!

What are we gonna do if she gets to Cynthia?

- Mickey, Mickey.

Mickey!

- Well, what are you looking so pleased about?

- You know, Steve, I think that girl's in love with you.

- Who, Cynthia? - No, Mickey.

Why, to follow you all the way here, what devotion!

- Who, Cynthia's?

- No, Mickey.

You know, you're heading

for the biggest mistake in your life.

- With Mickey?

- No, Cynthia.

- Must be the change in climate, I...

- Excuse me, please, Senor Moore,

but a telegram have arrived for you.

- Open it, please.

- You want me to read it?

- Yes, go ahead.

- Is from the papa again.

"For love of heaven, see that knot is tied.

"Firm won't survive paying off.

"I won't survive Roscoe.

"Counting on you to save me.

"Signed, Dad."

Hm, very pretty, your father wires, eh?

- Cynthia, Jim, and then Cynthia, Mickey.

Mickey, Cynthia.

Jim, you've got me all confused just now.

I -- - You're confused?

- I'm all mixed up between Mickey and Cynthia.

- How could you get mixed up?

I mean, she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

- Mickey? - No, Cynthia.

And what a disposition, it's lovely.

- Mickey? - No, Cynthia.

You'll be making a terrible mistake.

- With Cynthia?

- No, Mickey!

- I guess I need a good night's sleep.

Mickey, Cynthia, Cynthia.

I don't know (muttering).

- If only Jim and Steve weren't such good friends.

If only I'd never met either one of them.

- Well, there's always Rudolfo.

Without the F, of course.

(chuckles) Isn't that so, Chichi?

(door knocking)

- May I come in?

- [Cynthia] Well, there's a rumor to the effect

that you are in, but there's a way around that.

Won't you sit down?

- Help yourself.

- Thank you.

Well, now I understand the thumb-waving.

- Do you remember me, I--

- Oh, yes, yes, I remember you very well.

The last time I saw you,

you were wearing a very becoming telephone booth,

trimmed with Steve.

- Oh, my little Stevie!

- You mean your little Lucky, don't you?

I mean, you're Jim's girl.

- Oh, no.

Steve's.

- You wouldn't, by any chance,

be sleepwalking, would you?

- Oh, no, I just dreamed myself

across this balcony just to show you this.

You see, Jim has insured your marriage

to Steve for a $1 million.

- Oh, no, that's impossible, he--

- But true; I hooked it from Stevie myself, in person.

So you see, Jim's out $1 million

if you don't marry Stevie.

Kind of a dirty trick to play on the lady, huh?

- The neatest trick of the week.

Oh, but they're not gonna get away with it.

Not with little Cynthia, they're not.

I'll get even with those two

if it's the last thing I ever do.

Are you with me?

- So long as I get Stevie.

- Don't worry, you can have him.

You can have both of 'em on a platter

garnished with parsley.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna give 'em a dose of their own love insurance.

- Don't have to wear out the carpet, Lucky.

What are we gonna do?

- Oh, get rid of her.

Send her back to New York.

- Who, Cynthia?

- No, Mickey!

- You don't have to yell at me!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hello, darling, I was just thinking about you.

- Hello, darling!

Cynthia.

- About the bullfight tomorrow,

I was wondering if you'd get an extra ticket.

It's for a perfectly darling little girl

who just dropped in for a chat with me.

You know, she's that sweet little friend of Jim's,

Mickey Fitzgerald.

- Mickey?

- You're talking to Cynthia, you dope!

- So is Mickey, she's in Cynthia's room!

- What?

- Oh, yes, he'll be more than delighted.

She's invited her to the bullfights.

- All right, darling.

Good night, pleasant dreams.

And I hope you choke.

- What are we gonna do now, Lucky?

- Oh, we're ruined.

And don't call me Lucky!

(door thumping)

- Everything's okay, boys.

- Yeah, put that Mickey, locked in her room.

- You have, eh?

- [Both] She's in Cynthia's room!

- That's enough.

A fine mess you got us in.

You're fired.

- All right, then, I'm fired.

I quit, that's what. - You're fired.

- I quit, gimme my money. - Go ahead.

- Gimme my money. - What money, what money?

- The money you owe me for my salary.

- All right, all right, don't get excited, what is it?

- I'm supposed to get $1 a day, you know.

I worked for you one year, that's 365 days, equals $365.

Gimme that $365 and I'll get out.

I'll abdicate. - Now, wait a minute.

Not so fast, how many hours a day did you work?

- Eight hours a day.

- And how many hours are there in a day?

- Don't try to put anything over on me, will ya, Abbott?

- What do you mean?

- Look, there's 24 hours in a day,

all but February, which has 28.

- All right, that's right.

24 hours in a day,

and you only worked eight hours a day?

Then you only worked a third of each day.

Now, a third of 365 is approximately $121,

so you actually only have $121 coming to you.

- Yeah.

$121? - That's right.

- Well, give me the 121.

- Uh, but you didn't work Sundays, did you?

- No. - No, and there's 52 Sundays

in a year, so we'll deduct 52 from 121,

leaving, $69 coming to you.

- Well, give me the $69.

- Uh, but-- - What's with the "but"?

- Wait a minute, just a minute

You only worked a half a day on Saturday.

Am I right? - Here it comes.

- Now, wait a minute.

You only worked a half a day on Saturday.

- That's all, just half a day.

- Okay, now, there's 52 Saturdays in a year.

Now, half of 52 is 26, so we'll deduct 26 from 69,

leaving $43 coming to you.

- You sure of that?

- I'm positive.

- I mean, I don't want you to cheat yourself.

- Well, that's mighty thoughtful of you

to look out for my interests.

- I might as well look out for yours.

You already killed mine.

So, gimme the $43.

- But...

(Costello groans softly) Just a minute.

You took a vacation, didn't you?

- Yeah, two weeks.

- Two weeks, that's 14 days.

Now, $1 a day, that's $14,

so we'll deduct 14 from 43, leaving the sum

of $29 coming to you.

- The sum of? - The sum of.

- If I get some of it, I'll be lucky.

- Well, now, wait a-- - Gimme the $29.

- [Both] But!

- Now I know it as good as you do.

- Wait a minute, just don't get excited.

You took time out for lunch, didn't you?

- Oh, no, Abbott, not that.

Please don't take that away from me.

- Yes. - One little hour a day,

that's all I took.

- One hour a day? - I didn't eat much.

- Now, wait a minute.

- One little bitty hour, that big.

- That's right, that's right.

One hour a day, 365 days, that's 365 hours.

That comes to about 15 days, I take it.

- You might as well take it.

You been takin' everything else!

- So?

- [Both] 15 from 29 is 14, but!

- Now I know it better than you do!

- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

I'm glad I thought of this.

Do you know there's 13 holidays

in a year that you didn't work?

- This is gonna cost plenty, too.

- Wait a minute, just a minute.

You didn't work those 13 days.

- No. - Well, you had $14

coming to you, so we'll deduct 13 from the 14,

leaving the exact sum of $1 coming to you.

- How do you like that?

I'm supposed to get $365 and I wind up with a buck!

- Oh, gracias, senor.

- [Costello] Wait.

- This is a fine time to take a nap.

(rousing band music)

(crowd cheering)

- Ah, now we have Rudolfo,

and now we have the sport of ex-kings.

- And if anybody faints, we have ex-nurses.

- Oh, but Aunt Kitty, nobody's going to faint.

We're all having too much fun, aren't we,

Steve, darling?

- Oh, yeah, oh, yes, it's a riot.

- Oh, Mickey, why don't you put your head

on Jim's shoulder?

I'm sure you can see much better if you did.

- Oh, no, she doesn't want to put her head on my shoulder.

- Oh, yes, I do.

- Oh, now, Lucky, don't be shy with Mickey and me.

We both understand all about love, don't we, Mickey?

- And how.

(Mickey sighs)

Oh, Lucky, what a wonderful shoulder you have.

- I can't see if she's gonna sit like, I've--

- Why, Steve, I believe you're actually jealous.

Isn't it wonderful, Mickey, what these two boys'll

do for each other?

Isn't it a wonderful friendship?

(Mickey chuckling)

- Oh, where's the bull?

- Why, darling, there's plenty of it around here.

Don't you think so?

- Oh, don't move your shoulder, Lucky.

Oh, it's so heavenly.

- Oh, there he is!

(crowd cheering)

Aw, isn't he cute in his darling little suit?

- Who, the bull?

- It's for the senorita!

- Oh, no, you mustn't do that!

That means he's dedicating the bull to Cynthia.

Doesn't it, Senor Escobar?

- But of a certainty.

It is almost a declaration of love.

- [Kitty] Ah.

- Well, I'm glad there's nothing personal about it.

- Hasn't he the most beautiful legs you've ever seen?

- Who, the bull?

- Oh, there is a man.

- Now look here, Mickey--

- Uh, that's Cynthia.

Mickey's here.

- Yes, you boys are a little confused, I'm afraid,

but there's one thing I'm certain of:

Rudolfo is divine.

- Oh, I don't know.

I think Jim has a cuter nose.

- Do you; let me see, Jim.

- Come on, Lucky, show Cynthia your nose.

- Yes, come on. - Stop it, will ya?

- Why should he show you his nose?

- Isn't it sweet, the way they stick together?

(crowd cheering)

(Chichi barks)

- Oh, what a pretty bull.

(bull snorting) (crowd shouting encouragement)

- (sighing) Oh, it's so exciting.

You know, Steve, it's so much fun being engaged,

I don't think we'll get married tomorrow.

- [Lucky] Oh, why not?

(crowd roaring)

(bull snorting)

- You know, I think you'd be much happier

if you waited till you got to New York for the wedding.

- Yes. - Why are you so interested

in when we get married?

- Why, Stevie, you know I've always been interested

in when we get married.

- Oh, did nobody feel a drop of rain?

(thunder rumbles) (rain pattering)

- A drop?

Oh, it's whole torrents, Senor Escobar!

Come on.

- Now, wait a minute, Abbott.

If I'm gonna stay and watch over a girl,

I want my old job back.

- All right, but not for the same money.

- Okay. - All right.

- What money? (bell rings)

- Look at that, the Good Humor man!

- No, no, tamales, hot dogs.

- And those inch, those ants--

- The what? - They're good!

- Hot dog! - Hey, you!

- Hey, come here! - Hey.

- Come here, what's the matter with you?

Here you go. - Oh, boy, yeah.

- Hot dog.

- Gimme a hot dog, too.

What time's your floor show start here?

- Sh, quiet, please, quiet.

- No floor show, huh? - No floor show.

- Oh, thanks a lot, kid.

- Here, you are.

There, old boy.

- Nah, I don't eat mustard.

- Mustard goes with a hot dog.

- Yeah, well, not with mine, I eat it plain.

- Mustard was made for the hot dog!

- Look, I don't care what it's made for,

I'm not gonna eat it.

I don't like it. - Oh, well, that's different.

- Do I have to eat something I don't like?

- No, I didn't know that.

- I mean, after all, I don't wanna go

around eat something that's gonna make me sick.

- Well, I didn't know that!

- Mustard makes me sick!

- All right, then, you shouldn't eat it.

- I mean, after all, I'm a happy kid.

I got a lot to live for.

- I know that, Lou. - I don't want to walk

around the streets sick.

- All right, now, don't--

- If I eat mustard, and I walk around the streets sick,

I can't get a job, what happens to my wife and kids?

- What do you mean?

- Yeah, I got a wife and two children.

- Well, what about it?

- My kids wind up in the orphan asylum.

- Aw, behave yourself.

- You're a fine guy, sendin' my kids

to an orphan asylum.

- Who's sending who where?

- What did my kids ever do to you?

- Nothing at all.

- What right you got to put 'em away

in the orphan asylum?

- Do you know what you're saying?

- After all, I'm able to support them children.

You got no right to put 'em away.

- Don't get excited.

- Come on, get my kids out of the orphan asylum!

- Now, wait a minute!

What started all this?

- Mustard. - Well, I mean,

it's there if you want it.

- Well, you can take it away.

I don't want it!

- Listen, what I'm trying to convey

to you is that the hot dog and the mustard go together.

- Let 'em go together!

I don't want to spoil any romance!

- Aw, talk sense.

- No, I don't like it.

- So you don't like it.

- I like Worcestershire-sheer sauce.

- You what?

- Worcestershire-sheer sauce.

- Worcestershire-sheer-shire-shaurce?

- You can't even say it.

- Yeah, but you don't like mustard?

- No, I don't care. - Give me a reason.

Who are you that you shouldn't like mustard?

What are you, some big shot or something?

Too big a guy to like mustard?

- What did mustard ever do for me?

- Oh, behave.

- Why should I throw myself out on account of mustard?

Mustard any better than I am?

Go on, pick your friends.

Who do you want, me or mustard?

- Now, wait a minute! - Go ahead, take mustard!

- Just a minute. - It's what I get

- Just a minute, do you know where mustard comes from?

- I know they don't scrape it off of a mustard plaster.

- Certainly not, they manufacture mustard.

Do you know, they spend millions of dollars

every year to put up factories just to manufacture mustard?

Do you know those factories employ thousands

and thousands of men, just to manufacture mustard?

Do you know those men take care of thousands

of families and homes, all on account of mustard?

Huh, and you, just because you don't like mustard,

what do you want them to do?

Close those factories down

and put all those people out of work?

- Wait a minute.

Do you mean to stand here and tell me

just because I don't eat mustard,

I'm closing down the mustard factories?

- Now, wait a minute.

- Are you trying to tell me

that those thousands of people

are making one little jar of mustard, just for me?

- No, I'll explain it--

- If they are, you can tell them not to make any more,

'cause I'm not gonna eat it!

- All right, forget about it.

- You can lay 'em off! - Sure.

- Who am I to support thousands?

- Oh, why stand here and argue with you?

- You said it.

(waves crashing)

("Your Dream")

♪ Your dream is the same ♪

♪ As my dream ♪

♪ Your future is mine ♪

♪ When I dream ♪

♪ I want heaven with you ♪

♪ And you want ♪

♪ Heaven with me ♪

♪ We each want ♪

♪ Part of the same romance ♪

♪ I'm longing for ♪

♪ The things that you long for too ♪

♪ We'll make the most ♪

♪ Impossible things come true ♪

♪ Two dreamers you and I ♪

♪ There's no sky too high ♪

♪ For hearts like ours ♪

♪ To fly to ♪

♪ Your way is the same ♪

♪ As my way ♪

♪ We travel along ♪

♪ Love's highway ♪

♪ Your dream is the same ♪

♪ As my dream ♪

♪ Both part of ♪

♪ The same romance ♪

- Everybody here gives me a pain in the neck.

♪ Your dream is the same ♪

♪ As my dream ♪

♪ Your future is mine ♪

♪ When I dream ♪

♪ I want heaven with you ♪

♪ And you want heaven with me ♪

♪ We each want half ♪

♪ Of the same romance ♪

♪ I'm longing for the things ♪

♪ That you long for too ♪

♪ We'll make the most ♪

♪ Impossible things come true ♪

♪ Two dreamers, you and I ♪

♪ There's no sky too high ♪

♪ For hearts like ours ♪

♪ To fly to ♪

♪ Your way is the same ♪

♪ As my way ♪

♪ We travel along ♪

♪ Love's highway ♪

♪ Your dream is the same ♪

♪ As my dream ♪

♪ Both ♪

♪ Part of the same romance ♪

- Come on, Rudolfo, let's get out of this darn moonlight.

- Well, where are you going?

- [Mickey] To look for Steve.

- Hello, hello, operator, operator.

Operator!

What about my New York call?

Well, do I have to wait all night?

Hello! Hello!

Oh, hello, Dad!

- Hello.

What?

I can't hear you, wait a minute.

Hello? Now.

- Listen, Dad, a terrible thing has happened.

I've fallen in love.

- Good.

What's so terrible about that?

- But, Dad, you haven't heard who the girl is!

- I don't care.

If you like her, I like her,

so congratulations and all that sort of thing.

- But listen, Dad, this just isn't any girl.

This girl is the girl

who's the girl that's the girl that...

Well, what I mean is, she's the girl--

- I get it, she's a girl.

Well, stop yapping at $20 a minute.

We can't afford it.

I say, we can't afford it.

We're broke, we're busted.

There was a jewel robbery in Great Neck,

a bank holdup in Brooklyn,

some very unusual weather in California,

and a skunk at Mrs. Worthington's lawn party.

- And they used to call me Lucky.

- But that's peanuts compared

to that $1 million wedding you're on now.

How's it coming along?

She marrying him tomorrow?

- Yep, she's marrying him tomorrow.

(quirky orchestral music)

(Chichi barking)

(phone ringing)

- Wrong number.

- What's the matter with you?

- Don't say anything about the wedding.

- What happened? - A spy.

- Where? - In the next room.

- Oh, behave, come here.

- No, no. - Come here.

- No. - Come on.

Come on, come here a minute!

- I don't want him to see me!

- Just wait a minute, here, here, here.

- Bashful, I'm bashful!

- Well, just wait a minute, it's you, it's you, it's you.

Don't get excited.

There you are.

- Oh, hello.

You going to the wedding?

- Certainly, you're going to the wedding.

The same as the boss told us.

- Don't mention the word boss! (Abbot mumbling)

I tell ya, I don't care about the boss anymore!

I wanna meet the boss!

I'm gonna tell him a thing or two!

I wanna meet him face to face!

I wanna-- - What do you want?

- I want my mama.

(Roscoe snarling)

- All right, all right, all right.

- Now what about it?

- What about it? - Yeah, what about it?

- What about what?

- What about what, what?

- That's what I say.

- [Roscoe And Abbott] What do you say?

- What about it?

- [Roscoe] What about this wedding?

- Oh, a wedding, marriage.

Congratulations, Abbott.

- I'm not getting married.

- No? Mm-hmm.

Congratulations, boss. - Oh, give that to him!

What about the wedding between Steve and Cynthia?

Is it gonna happen by noon today?

- Why, boss, that's taking place now.

- Yeah? - Certainly.

- Well, let's get outta here.

- Yeah, come on!

(beckoning whistle)

- Senor, Senor Escobar--

- Hi, don't interrupt me.

I am thinking of love.

- But, senor, we must know when

to start the farandole.

- Oh, the farandole, our national dance.

When I shoot the gun, the wedding is over,

and the farandole will commence.

- Got the ring?

- Yes, I've got it.

- Oh, pretty, you look very Mickey this,

I mean, Mickey-- - Well, congratulations, boys.

I never saw a more ghastly-looking pair.

- Bueno.

("Bridal Chorus")

Shall we commence?

- No, Senor Escobar.

I'm sorry to have caused you all this trouble,

but the wedding is off.

You see, I've just made the very interesting discovery

that both the groom and the best man

are a couple of first-class heels.

- What did I tell you? - You told me.

- Oh, I'm so sorry--

- Oh, don't waste any sympathy,

because, you see, instead of marrying me,

heel number one gets $1 million from heel number two.

So goodbye, good luck, and have fun.

- Just a minute, baby.

Put 'em up, folks!

Put 'em up!

I got a lot of money invested in this wedding.

(irritated groaning)

So get goin'!

- Isn't there a man in the room?

- If you marry them, Senor Escobar,

I will kill you.

- Yeah, but the man has a pistol,

and we must consider his point.

- Yeah, me and Costello want to go on living too.

- Who invited those dreadful people?

- I did.

- I said marry 'em.

- By the power invested in me as mayor of San Marcos,

I, Don Alvarado Sepulveda--

- Oh, cut out that Chinese chatter

and go on with this wedding!

- Do you, Stephen Harper,

take this lady to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

- Yeah, well, it's a little sudden, but should I?

What?

- Do you, Stephen Harper--

- [Roscoe] I said tell 'em!

- [Steve] Yeah, I guess maybe I do.

That's very nice of you.

- [Escobar] Do you, Cynthia Merrick,

take this man to be your lawful-wedded husbands?

(pistol bangs)

- Tired, boss?

- Come on, let's get outta here!

- I'm not gonna go until I get good and ready!

(Roscoe growls) I'm ready!

- Come on, then!

- The farandole!

(crowd cheering)

("Farandola")

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

- [Steve] Jim?

- A little service here, please.

- Yeah, but you are not the bride.

- With a gun, I am.

- As the mayor of San Marcos,

I, Don Alvarado Sepulveda Cienega San Vicente

La Brea Figueroa Escobar--

- This is getting a little heavy for you.

Just a moment.

Here, try that.

- Shoot, Escobar, or we will.

(rhythmic clapping)

♪ From the busy harbors ♪

♪ To the quiet hilltop ♪

♪ See the purple arbors ♪

♪ Heavy with our wine ♪

♪ Pick the purple treasure ♪

♪ Singing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Work becomes a pleasure ♪

♪ Life becomes divine ♪

♪ Oh, that's the gay farandole ♪

- Cynthia, will you listen to me for a minute?

- No, I won't listen to you.

There's no possible way you can whitewash yourself

or your loathsome love insurance.

- I got that silly idea before I met you,

and I've regretted it every minute

because I fell madly in love with you!

- What is this now, alibi insurance?

- I hate insurance!

♪ Her cheek is glowing ♪

♪ Her eyes are pleading ♪

♪ The song is growing ♪

♪ Her crimson petticoats fly ♪

♪ Her violet shawl will flutter and fall ♪

♪ Faster we go ♪

♪ Our fingers entwine ♪

♪ His heart is all mine ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

- I want my mama.

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ From the harbors to the arbors ♪

♪ On the quiet hill ♪

♪ Stands the leafy vine ♪

♪ Heavy with our wine ♪

- Put that girl down!

♪ Pick the purple treasure ♪

♪ For your pleasure sun will shine ♪

♪ Life is so divine ♪

♪ Ole ra ♪

♪ From the busy harbors ♪

♪ To the quiet hilltop ♪

♪ See the purple arbors ♪

♪ Heavy with our wine ♪

♪ Take the purple treasure ♪

♪ Singing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Work becomes a pleasure ♪

♪ Ah ♪

- Say, that guy's got a great voice.

Wonder who he is? ♪ Life is divine ♪

♪ Ah ♪

(music increases)

- Ah, no.

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Click, click the heel ♪

♪ Tap, tap the sole ♪

♪ Click, click and tap, tap the gay farandole ♪

♪ Pick the purple treasure ♪

♪ Singing in the sunshine ♪

♪ Work becomes a pleasure ♪

♪ Life becomes divine ♪

♪ Life is divine ♪

- [Mickey] Oh, aren't you packed yet?

- Packed?

- Have you been drinking?

- Oh, just a little bit.

- Are you sober?

- Oh, sober as a judge.

- Oh, Senor Escobar, if only you were an eight man.

- Oh!

Oh, madam, please, allow me.

(Aunt Kitty whimpering)

- Darling, please, please, please!

- No, no, no, not if you went on talking

for the rest of your life, which won't be long now

because here comes Roscoe.

Don't you dare lay a finger on him!

(punch cracks)

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I was just tryin' to tell ya

that Steve married the little Mick

and now we don't have to pay off.

- Don't you lay a finger?

She loves me!

- He's gonna make a wonderful husband.

- You don't even know what a husband is.

- A husband is what's left of a sweetheart

after the nerve has been killed.

(slap cracks) - Keep the remarks

to yourself.

(rousing instrumental music)