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Once upon a time...

there was a princess who made her people dream.

That was Grandmother.

And these are articles about her.

And these...

are articles about Mother.

This...

is the article about me.

PRINCESS FALLS

Why don't people consider me?

Good question. Answer that, Chamberlain.

Your Majesty, Highness,

I don't read the tabloids,

but it seems that today's fairy tale princesses

have been replaced by starlets, show girls,

and even squalid call girls.

Letizia,

I understand you, I too would like to be famous,

sign autographs, be on TV, in Dancing with the Stars.

Not me.

All I want is to raise money for charity.

Grandmother opened four hospitals in Africa,

mother, three schools, me...

a shed with two veterinarians.

No one knows me.

Then marry Gherets.

He loves you, he's the Prince of Belgium,

then you'll get in all the papers.

Not to infringe on your matters of the heart, but...

Dad, you just want to do business with the King of Belgium.

But there's no chemistry with Gherets.

And he has giant ears.

He does?

I've never noticed them.

Your gaze is as pure as a Polynesian sea and deserves a gift.

Thank you.

This gadget is a "must".

- A mirror? - No, no.

It's not just a simple mirror, it's the i-Mirror.

- The i-Mirror. - Ask a question.

- To whom? - The mirror.

How do I look?

You're the fairest in the kingdom.

And you can even change the language.

- It works! - Who sells this stuff?

No one, I patented it, to make a splash in the new economy.

- Good. - Thank you.

- Do me a favor? - Of course.

I left my fan in the tower.

Would you get it for me?

I'd scale Mt. Everest for you.

- Your Highness... - My dear Gherets...

Dad, have you thought about my problem?

Of course!

Get moving, Anastasio, hurry and make her famous.

After reading hundreds of magazines, I'm certain.

There is only one way to put a princess on the front page today:

the so-called Beauty and the Beast strategy.

Princess Letizia has to fall in love

with a poor, ignorant, coarse and vulgar man.

His Majesty opposes it and kicks him out.

The princess replies that love is more than lineage,

there's a clash at court, gossip in Europe and around the world.

Result: months of cover stories on the marriage

between the princess and the pauper.

What?

Marriage with the pauper?

Are you sure?

Yes, my dear, before the ceremony we send the groom a call girl,

we photograph them,

princess betrayed, marriage canceled, more cover stories.

Now Your Highness is famous and every charity action makes news.

What do you say?

Call girls?

I'll do it, just one problem...

Where do I find a pauper?

They're around.

I've already interviewed him.

I did some research.

Lights, please!

The most ramshackle country in the Union,

its most romantic but difficult city,

the poorest neighborhood, its most wretched inhabitant,

and here is our gem: Antonio De Biase.

Hey, my name's Antonio,

I was fired three years ago.

I went to my girlfriend and said:

"Lovey, my darling, my life, my heart, I lost my job."

She said: "And your girlfriend too.

If money can't buy happiness, imagine poverty!"

Son-of-a gun, Ciro!

When I need money, I'm a guinea pig.

You know when it says "clinically tested"?

That's me, the tested!

I eat medicine and then tell about the side effects.

Bro, yo, yo...

I got side effects right now.

I say they should split by category,

I mean, experiment man-man, mouse-mouse.

Instead they even get mice, that's wrong,

because if the mice get sick, who do they get, a kangaroo?

And if they experiment on kangaroos, who do they get, a walrus?

And if they experiment on walruses, do they get a dragonfly?

Bro, yo, yo...

Big bro, how's it going?

I should go down there?

No, we'll bring him here,

we hospitalize him and test a new medicine.

Someone like that,

when he's not a guinea pig,

how does he get by?

Serene Highness, how does he get by?

Mooching!

TODAY'S OPENINGS: PIZZA, ICE CREAM, WINE

METER MAID

Hello, ma'am, remember me?

I'm the espresso machine technician,

I came to check why it wasn't working.

If you like, I'll taste the espresso for free,

just to be nice, to see if it still works.

You've never liked the theater.

You've never come to the country with me--

Great, it's good. My compliments, thank you!

Stop!

Wait, a lady's crossing!

Without a "crosser-walk" it's a tragedy!

Cool it, bro!

Thank you, Antonio, for helping me across the street every morning.

I'm such a bother.

No, I do it for "humanism".

Hold on. There's my bus, I'll get a lift.

- Who are you? - A relative.

Jeez, look at him!

Just look at uncle!

You make me so mad, Uncle.

Two things were your ruin: women and wine.

He's always drinking, he's gotta lay off.

You gotta lay off, Uncle, I say it from the heart.

I don't give a damn about his properties.

I want him to be well. Don't care about his properties.

The road's closed here, go straight on.

- Who is this guy? - Come on, Uncle.

Not the first, the second.

Ok, perfect, thanks.

Hey, what about your uncle?

If he's gotta die, he's gotta die.

Jessica!

Let's turn this off,

it's a bomb to the brain, calm down.

No one understands me.

No one understands me!

Cousin, snap out of it!

How?

There were two things in my life: Manuel and tap dancing.

Then the miracle: Gloria Cecchi put Manuel and me in the musical.

The last dancers. A minute and ten seconds on stage.

I'm at the height of success, I sell fruit tap-dancing...

and what happens?

You catch Manuel in bed with Gloria and get kicked out of the show.

And you say snap out of it, but how?

- No red grapes? - Wrong season.

- Concord grapes? - Next week.

You're so sharp,

as a kid you knew everything about fruit.

Anjou pears, Fuji apples...

You invented home-delivered fruit.

Go back to your old life.

What were you doing now?

Rehearsing with Manuel.

- Then? - Making love with Manuel.

Other stuff?

I washed and ironed Manuel's shirts.

I can help you there!

Take my T-shirts and shirts.

Iron the shirt collars high,

that's how Manuel wore them.

You can't go on like this, you're a broken record!

Can't live by mooching anymore.

You complain? You hire out as a guinea pig, you're lucky.

Lucky? They call you twice a year.

At least, you've got a business mentality.

But loose cigarettes are tough, the problem's the assortment.

We're scarce on lights and menthols are nowhere around.

And where do you mooch cigars?

A clinic called me, we'll see what happens.

The situation's serious, bro, yo...

PRINCIPALITY KURHAUS CLINIC

Our tests in this clinic can sometimes cause slight side effects,

like distortion of vision or memory loss.

In mice, this medicine caused articulation narcolepsy.

Relax.

It only means your arms and legs get numb.

To revive them just do this.

But I'm sure this won't happen in human beings. Pill time!

Let's do this.

Say I want to meet him and bring him here.

Princess, he's not the masseur or the pedicurist.

You have to simulate the spark of love,

Isn't it best to run into him by chance?

The princess!

Ain't got eyes, bro?

Plan B: random clash.

Jessica, I found a scarf.

It's awesome!

And you say I never give you presents, you'll flip.

Highness!

Plan C.

Infallible!

Grab the dog!

Nero XVI, behave!

Come here. Doghouse seven, no supper!

I'm sorry, I'm mortified.

Distressed.

Appalled.

- Is that your dog? - Yes.

I didn't want to attack him, I might have hurt him.

Sir, may I offer you ice cream, as an apology?

You don't have to be so formal.

I have stomach cramps, I need to walk.

Test subject?

Wonderful, you do it for humanity?

No, for 700 euro.

You're a sincere man.

A sincere man is a rarity.

What's your job?

I'm a noble.

What's your schedule?

When a person is a noble, she's that forever.

Non-stop?

No breaks? You catch a bite as you work!

I'll explain. What you see here is a kingdom.

And I'm the princess, the king's daughter.

And that's my castle.

You own a castle?

You must be filthy rich!

Wow! You own a castle, you're a beautiful girl...

So, why are you talkin' to me?

Why am I talking to you?

It's obvious, because you're...

so deep...

and acute.

And intelligent.

You know me to a T!

When you're pro-positive, in moments of "optimilazation",

you hope you'll hook a girl that likes you...

But not at your level, so noble, superior to nobles.

You're actually "extra noble".

I was thinking a more basic type, maybe more bubbly.

No...

actually it seems my type is...

someone like you.

You're sure, or are you kiddin'?

Is this a joke?

You're a guinea pig, own up.

Look.

- What is it? - My passport.

This never happens, even your picture's beautiful.

A compliment...

"Profession: princess."

Merci, mon tresor.

I've got...

It had expired, you did me a favor.

Thank you.

If you like, I'll throw your purse, shoes...

You're irresistible.

I have to go,

but I will run into you again.

I hope not "run over"!

Just a quip...

Right.

Bye.

Even for coffee, no problem!

If I can get it, I will!

Ok, good-bye.

I am Jesus.

I am Jesus!

De Biase, you're next.

Call me Antonio, it's like home here.

I am Jesus.

I took bread and multiplied it.

I took a fish and multiplied it.

You're good at multiplying?

Here's 20 euro, squeeze another one out.

It's your turn. He is with you?

And with your Spirit.

It must be fake.

- Please sit down. - I have to ask you something.

That medicine you gave me, it gives hallucinations?

No, none of the mice had any.

Then I really was with Princess Letizia.

The king's daughter?

She says I'm her type,

that I'm acute...

deep...

and really intelligent!

Suspend testing, the medicine's lethal.

Notify the WHO and pump his stomach, fast!

I knew it! Hey, easy man!

I'm the court chamberlain. The princess invites you to dinner.

Go away, you're a hallucination!

No, I must insist, I'm the chamberlain.

First the princess, then champagne.

- Now I'll see the Madonna! - The Madonna?

No, I'm the champagne. The chamberlain!

Please, get in.

It's all fake.

This doesn't exist, you don't exist.

What are you doing? Please, get in.

Please...

This medicine's a bombshell, it'll go like hotcakes!

Where are you going? Stay still. Let's go!

Good evening, Countess.

They put a tube up my nose...

that went all the way to my stomach.

Then they pumped me with water and salt.

I felt my food come up and out my ears.

Can I be truthful?

It was my own organic stuff and it made me sick.

Imagine that.

Aren't you eating?

Your story is so intriguing...

Princess, would you like a little Beethoven?

Very little, or we'll get too full.

But, for starters,

bring some nice pizza bread with prosciutto

and lots of fried things: rice balls, doughnuts

and some olives from Tuscany.

From Ascoli.

You eat those yourself, I want the Tuscany ones.

Do you eat fried food?

When you see it, you'll eat it.

Well, we'll serve the escargot first, all right?

If they got here before us, serve them first,

but don't keep us waiting or we won't eat at all, right?

Anyway, we have a reservation, it says "princess",

in the book of the Reserves.

Fine.

- Princess... - Princess.

- Hey, buddy! - Yes?

With the fried food, I'd like a little ketchup, mayonnaise

and some barbecue sauce.

Hey, bro, you're doing fine!

- Bro, yo, yo... - Yo?

Bro!

- Princess. - Princess.

- And who are you? - The sommelier.

- You know this guy? - Yes.

So, who is he?

The sommelier.

- And what does he do? - I taste your wine.

We pay for it and you drink it? Is this a joke?

And look at the price. Please, look at it.

One thousand 950 euro?

It's not the price, it's the date.

And it's even expired!

If you don't scram, I'll tell your pa there.

I don't like how you work, one to zero for you.

Go.

Chew out that kid, his work's no good.

Princess...

I'm invisible to this guy.

Princess, really...

I mean...

I'm sorry if I was like a hick...

Don't worry.

I really like your spontaneity.

I'd spend another...

thousand evenings like this.

I'm the life of the party, I make quips, tell jokes.

When a guy's in the dumps, I make him laugh.

I don't like people to be down, I like them up.

You have a charm...

Say it, in your own way.

No problem, I'm ready for anything.

It's mysterious.

- I got the chills. - It envelops you.

Princess, maybe...

your hand slipped and found mine.

- Did you realize? - Yes.

You did it on purpose.

Can I give you a kiss?

What, temporarily?

Right in front of these ruins?

Sure!

Come get the flesh!

Princess...

I'll hurt you bad!

I'll make you see motorized kangaroos.

The ones that go...

The ones that go...

A motorized kangaroo.

Shall we order dessert?

Hey, princess,

I'll stop your cardiac zone.

Want dessert? I'll get it.

So it'll be done.

Hey, princess, remember the kangaroos.

Mom, eat something.

What's wrong?

We should take her to the doctor.

Here I am!

What did you bring me?

It must be a homemade pie!

Ma'am, I'll unblock you.

Push hard on the accelerator.

Ma'am, floor it!

Accelerate!

Fire!

He's a scourge of God.

He burned down the kingdom's most antique chalet.

I don't even want him as a fake boyfriend!

But it works.

Tickets for the concert are going like wildfire.

Think of the charity I can do after four months like this.

After four months with that beast, we'll need charity ourselves.

Kick him out of the kingdom!

See? You don't care about my dreams.

You're only interested in...

- Your "parties". - How dare you!

But I do.

It's my fault, I underestimated that boy's devastation.

He should make Letizia famous without too much damage.

I'll take care of it.

And I'll transform the beast...

in, let's say...

an unlikely prince.

Ok.

On one condition.

That you start seeing Gherets.

I don't say you have to fall in love,

just spend a little time together,

talk, get to know each other better.

And then if it happens...

Wow, Antonio, a princess!

Remember me when they make you a prince!

Just one thing: make me the Marquise of Spaccanapoli,

so Manuel will see what he lost.

Think they'll make me a prince? You know what I did to Letizia?

I am Jesus.

- Gotta go, Jesus is coming. - Jesus?

You can't believe the VIPs he's with!

Come here.

Come here, my dear.

The Princess invites you to move to court.

- No faking? - What?

I should come with you?

Give me your bags.

Do you have a change of underwear, sir?

To the palace!

You'll be in the guest house for now.

You mean here?

Before you can enter the castle you need to learn bon-ton.

Button?

Proper manners.

His Majesty wants his daughter's boyfriend to respect etiquette.

- What? - Etiquette.

- Before that. - Respect.

- You said "boyfriend". - Yes, you're Letizia's boyfriend.

- But you need etiquette. - What's that, dude?

A group of rules.

You can't say "dude". We'll substitute it with "ooh-la".

I don't understand, what's "ooh-la"?

I don't understand you either, so I've hired a translator.

Professor Ruotolo!

Here.

- What's "dude" mean? - It means boy.

Good dude means good boy and cutting out dude, let's go boys.

- Fine. - Thank you.

What's "ooh-la"?

"Ooh-la" is an expression of surprise

that can translate to "Oh, my".

If the surprise is greater, "Oh, my goodness".

If the surprise is excessive: "My God Almighty"!

- Fine. - Thank you.

I'd like to start with his look, it's a tad vintage.

What did he say?

Learn to dress, you're a sight!

- Look who's talking! - Fine.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

This way.

The classic suit. Light shirt and dark shoes. When is it worn?

- To get a bank loan. - No, a suit for tea.

For me?

No, for a tea break.

Break dance, like this?

Like it?

Horrible.

Easy, that's for a funeral.

No, cocktail.

Cuddle?

Cocktail, when you meet for a drink.

And this?

- It's a smoking jacket. - No, tuxedo.

- And this? - Tuxedo.

No, you missed two out of two!

I'm consistent.

You're a stinker! You make me talk like you.

Can I ask a question, bro?

Every time a guy has a drink he's gotta change suits?

To get a drink at night, I go in pajamas or penguin suit?

Ruotolo!

He asked: "When I am in the arms of Morpheus

and feel the need to placate my thirst,

may I quench my thirst in pajamas or must I wear a tuxedo?"

How often we've heard the importance of being oneself...

Not in your case.

I just got one wrong...

- Let's go! - What a weirdo!

This has to go.

It's not hair, it's a haystack!

- I can see Letizia "zumtimes"? - Not talking like that.

I still have this tiny defect.

Sometimes with an S like the Salvation Army.

- You're a good babber. - Barber with an R like Rotary.

- The R in "barber". - Babber.

- Say "barber". - Babber please.

Without please!

Your school burned down after first grade.

- I want to die! - And I'll come to your funeral.

Have you learned etiquette?

I'm great, I'm getting better.

I can't wait to have you at court.

I'm leaving, I have an exhibition for Ethiopia.

You know, world hunger...

Food's good but not drink, they'd be in a tough spot.

Not knowing how to dress, they have to undress, dress...

I'm learning.

All right, I'm going.

You're hurtin' me!

Every time I kiss the princess, a photo comes out.

You still have these frivolous curls?

Cup.

Cup!

Tea is taken sitting erect, legs together, arms tight down and chin raised.

Only after a car crash I'd be in this position!

Arms tight down!

Pain therapy might be useful in your case.

True friends come in bad times, but especially in good times.

Who are they?

I found them in the garden, they're Master Antonio's friends.

What joy!

I swear on my dead cousin's body, I missed you.

On my dead cousin's body and my father's, I missed you even more.

On my dad's and mom's bodies, I missed you too much.

This is a family massacre!

Speaking of family, let me introduce my cousin Jessica Quagliarulo.

- I mooched off her like crazy. - Nice to meet you.

No, the last time they swiped my bracelet.

I'll say hello my way.

I got your shirt dirty, I'm sorry.

- What are you doing? - Spit gets the stain right off.

- Really? - Just a second more.

- Am I hurting you? - Your heel!

I'm sorry, Mr. Champagne.

Just a lot of talk...

And no drink, where's this champagne?

Will you be staying long?

Dudes...

- Roses here! Hi, Champagne. - Hello.

We're outta shampoo.

There's mail!

What's the property tax on a castle?

And gas and electricity bills?

Preparing an estimate? They're really organized here.

- Coffee? - No, thank you.

Let's go study.

- And you? - I'll dress and come.

Cover up and don't come. Antonio, let's go!

- Let's go, bro. - More coffee?

- Miss Quagliarulo... - Yes.

Hello.

Goodbye, Champagne.

My dear Antonio, you're making your debut at court tonight,

there's a charity concert.

- Will Letizia be there? - Of course!

Ok then!

But you must learn to greet in a natural manner.

- Look, they're beautiful! - They're scary, who are they?

What?

The Ambassador, His Excellency,

the Marquise of Drago, Serene Highness, and the Countess.

Say it!

- And that's, what's he called... - Never talk like that.

Say it.

- All these old fogies! - What?

This is the creme of the aristocracy.

It's not the creme...

it's the cremation!

Now greet them elegantly but discretely.

And especially, naturally.

Don't worry.

Hiya, bro, great!

Disgusting.

Gimme five! Great!

Count Borromeo is asleep.

And you wake me up to tell me?

Get some shut-eye, it's so comfy here.

Can't you hear?

Sorry!

When you're done, we're waiting outside.

- Just you? - No, all of us.

Jessi too? Ok, see you later.

Take it easy!

That's enough!

You're a hick.

Ok, maestro, if it's time to talk, let's.

You've busted our nuts to smithereens!

This is true art, it's pure chamber music.

Yeah, bed chamber, we're all snoozing.

This guy knows what I mean.

Do something more modern, like Peppino di Capri.

Do you know "Champagne"?

You don't even know "Champagne" and you call yourself a maestro!

You're not a maestro, you're just a horn-tooter!

When you gotta, you gotta.

Sorry they woke you up.

Maybe your dead granny had winning Lotto numbers for you.

Let me through.

You are a boorish man, I say this music is very youthful.

- I'm telling you. - Countess...

you say "youthful", but on your ID your birth date says "Battle of Waterloo"!

It's written in Roman numerals.

Where did you bring me, to the morgue?

I'm sorry, Count.

That boy is right.

Someone finally said it.

You are always elusive, Countess D'Armagnac.

Smack!

How do you find this jacket?

- I'd find it everywhere. - Son-of-a-gun!

The buffet!

Let's not make a show of ourselves!

I'm losing a button, darn the court seamstresses!

Relax, Mr. Champagne, I'll fix it.

- What are you doing? - Getting some thread.

In a gala evening something like this happens...

Done.

Miss Quagliarulo, this is a miracle!

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Letizia, my love, I was looking for you and your father.

My father is with the Countess D'Armagnac.

I can't bear her, she's always on the make.

I've just been supplied with 500 i-Mirrors,

so I thought I'd donate 499 to your needy peoples

and, big surprise,

I'll hide the last one in the castle so you can hunt for it.

I'm off.

Fame works.

The concert has raised 15,000 euro for charity,

instead of the usual 250.

Are you listening?

I'm worried.

He's too chatty.

It's OK if an African gets my job,

he's hard up and it's an act of humanity,

but when mice steal your job, that's an act of "mousanity".

It's a question of logic. What's your job?

I manage my accounts.

You manage a count?

That's enough!

You're an offense to savoir faire.

I don't know any Mr. Faire.

Princess, be ready for anything.

I say hello to anyone I know, it's my way.

Savoir faire...

is an order of good manners.

You mustn't yell!

And you mustn't eat with your hands!

So, I can't put my finger in the whipped cream,

but people can spit at me?

That's enough, you hick!

You've offended my guests, get out!

- Majesty... - Get out!

Majesty...

Take it easy, bro, we'll work this out between us.

Dad, you can't throw him out.

I...

I love him.

I don't want this troglodyte at court!

If you throw him out, I'll renounce the crown.

What? Your mother's crown.

Love counts much more for me than the crown.

- Antonio stays here. - Then keep him in the garden!

Chamberlain, he must never again set foot in this castle!

Can I say something?

We haven't known each other long, a friendship hasn't bloomed yet.

A collaboration might come about, knowing one another.

I'll never collaborate with you!

You disgust me!

- Sire, it's all feigned. - No, he disgusts me really!

This man will give me a stroke.

I'll die of a stroke!

It's just great here.

Who's moving!

Don't talk with your mouth full.

Wait, when I finish...

What's the matter?

I was having a sandwich, I saw you and...

wanted to say hello and thank you for saying...

you love me in front of your father.

You could have said it just to me,

but I understand you're committed to your father...

First your father, then your horse. I never get to talk to you.

Anyway, I wanted to say that after all...

Since you're a woman and I'm a man,

there's love, it's strange there's no brood yet.

We could go riding.

Can you mount a horse?

You'd better give it to me already mounted.

Can you ride horseback?

Princess, maybe you "undervaluate".

Please.

Good boy!

You're good with horses!

Maybe...

it was mounted wrong.

- We lost the horse. - But we found cherries.

We lost a horse and you think about cherries.

They remind me of when I started mooching.

It's always moving to remember the past, never forget that.

Why are you barefoot?

No, why are your boots still on?

It's so nice to go barefoot on the grass.

If I said go topless, you might think I was making a pass...

Take them off, go on!

I'll come down, let's be together a little.

You miss me, I know you.

Little cherry!

I haven't done this since my mom was alive.

She planted these cherry trees.

The people really loved her.

But she never told me her secret.

Maybe it was she went barefoot.

Anyway...

if I owned a tree,

I'd make lots of jellies,

because if you squeeze the juice from the cherries,

you get jelly and you can make jelly buns.

It's a good idea. You could even open a shop.

There's no bar around here that can sell jelly buns,

it's a brilliant idea.

Put a sign on the castle: "Jelly Buns".

Princess, your horse.

That's jelly!

This is a fairy tale!

She'll give up the crown for you, look.

Jessica, stretch out here, we have to talk to Antonio.

- The princess is pretty. - What's she like?

The princess is a princess.

At first they're all princesses,

then when they do certain things, they're a wow!

- Where did you meet her? - On Facebook?

- Did she make a friend request? - They've friends in common?

- You know who tagged her? - Peppe the stable boy.

Guys, the princess is something bourgeoisie.

- Don't talk difficult. - She's a different social status.

She's a princess.

She goes from being a princess, to being a queen.

- Automatically. - No contest.

Like when a dad leaves his job to his son.

Damned lucky!

What did you do?

- Where did you take her? - Your room?

- A hotel? A bunk bed? - A car with newspapers?

We spent time in the garden...

Papers around the tree?

Maybe you don't get it.

One little kiss and we're in all the papers.

If we did more, we'd end up in DVDs!

Antonio, are you in love?

Besides that,

I think you can...

you can love without making love.

- He did nothing. - You're a jackass!

Take us to the castle for our cigarette assortment.

But, don't pull your usual stuff.

- Promise? - Promise.

Let's get some sun first.

It's my first time in here.

- Are there any cigars? - I don't know, it's my first time.

What's this thing?

Look in the mirror one at a time, please.

One at a time please.

- What is it, scales? - Stop, don't touch anything.

- Don't touch. - No cigars here.

- You getting a tan? - No, just checking.

Here! "Cigar". Boxes of cigars.

I caught you, little owl!

Was that the king?

Dunno, who was looking at the guy?

- Looked like him. - Let's go see.

Don't!

This is a government meeting!

And you're governing great!

I've had it, none of you can come in the castle again!

Guards!

- Run! - Easy to say!

This castle's huge.

It took an hour from entry to exit.

- So, from castle to castle? - One hour.

What's this here?

Gherets, turn on the air conditioner?

There's the guy with the big ears.

Gherets?

For you I'd turn the stars on, one by one.

That ridiculous group going around the castle...

I found out...

His cousin wants to be in a musical, crazy!

Have you seen the other two?

The e-normous and the e-small.

By the way, that wretch you use to get famous,

how much longer does he stay?

The chamberlain says as long as he makes news, so...

About three months.

I know it's all fake, but...

I'm jealous.

Of Antonio? Come on!

We have nothing in common.

His ignorance is stellar.

He wanted to put a sign on the castle:

"Jelly Buns".

Are you sure you won't fall in love with him?

It's one of the few...

things I'm sure of.

Your eyes are like the moon reflecting in the Pacific.

Gherets, relax.

Guys, it was obvious!

You didn't understand?

Well, did you?

Anyway I'm just fine.

- Stay cool. - You're OK?

Just fine.

Just fine.

I can't stand seeing you like this.

And stop listening to"Indifferentemente."

There's always a second chance, right?

Answer.

Sorry, is this 91457569?

You didn't get one number right!

What are we doing here? Why don't we go?

When you want, you make it all work out.

You showed us we can live great without money.

But without love too, that's overdoing it!

You have to work hard for love.

Besides, they're the wretches.

Antonio...

make them respect you.

You did a terrible thing.

- You mooched on feelings. - What?

If you'd said you needed an unlikely prince, I'd have done it!

- Let me explain... - What's to explain?

I'm telling the papers.

That Letizia isn't a princess, she's a witch, she exploited me.

You'll ruin me.

If you don't want me to ruin you...

I ask just one thing.

Help me make her fall in love.

The way you are it's impossible. I tried.

You have to work harder.

Give me a hand.

Give me a hand...

- We usually walk like this... - What are you saying? Stop!

Stop!

Lift your arms.

Have you washed your underarms?

Down.

Whatever happens,

the little ball must never drop.

Everything can be done with your arms at your sides.

- Howdy do, bro. - No, you can't say that!

You can jump...

dance the twist...

I'm familiar with singing and dancing.

Shout after a goal...

- Damn! - These things are basic!

They're basic, you're right.

Good, study, apply yourself.

Sometimes, sometimes...

Good, study.

- Sometimes. - Good!

ETIQUETTE

Do you like my attire?

What does "attire" mean?

It's your clothes.

Count, hello!

Do you like Ariosto?

I love a roast with potatoes, Mr. Marquis.

Taste is a matter of "up-onion".

Exceptional improvement, you have a bent for being aristocratic.

Being aristocratic is easy, just don't do a thing all day.

Wise observation!

The work of seduction can begin. Do you know Jacques Prevert?

- Who's he? - A poet, Letizia adores him.

Are you up to memorizing all his poetry?

My memory's not so great. How's your phosphorus?

Fine...

Antonio!

- What is it? - I'm not so worried now.

I got pricked, there's blood.

Good, that means you're human.

Ready?

Youth in love kiss standing up.

Youth in love kiss standing out.

No, standing up!

Against the doors of the night.

Against the doors of the night.

Is that you?

Yes, it's me.

What are you doing?

Nothing, you know, I didn't have...

much "sleepfulness",

so I said, "I'll sing a couple of Neapolitan songs."

That was Prevert.

I know.

Do you know Jacques like me?

Hot diggity!

I just love Prevert.

You do?

Wow!

By heart, do you know...

Chanson?

Sure, Chanson?

You ask if I know Chanson?

- Chanson! - I can't find it!

Hurry, if Dad comes, he'll get mad.

Want to hear the version that's famous

or the one on the Internet?

There's only one.

- Found it! - Perfect.

- "What day is it?" - Thursday.

That's the poem! "What day is it?"

- What day is it? - Thursday.

Now you're doing it too!

What day is it? It is everyday, my friend...

It is everyday, my friend...

It is an entire life, my love.

It's an entire life, my love.

We love, we live.

We--damn!

The roses are moving but there's no wind.

No, it's a bad, ugly cat! Quiet!

Shut up!

I never kick cats,

but when one interrupts a poem...

Darn tooting!

We love, we live.

We love, we live...

We don't know what life is, my love,

and we don't know what days are...

We don't know anything!

A poet's suffering.

I hear footsteps.

I've had it!

Chamberlain!

False alarm. The poem?

Still want Prevert?

Jacques.

There's a poem...

that's very beautiful, it's called "Indifferentemente."

It goes like this, more or less...

Do what you want to me,

indifferently,

I know I'm nothing for you.

Give me this poison, don't wait for tomorrow,

because, indifferently, if you kill me,

I won't say a thing.

It's beautiful.

Why don't I know it?

He wrote it after death.

I mean, he wrote the rough draft, then they copied it over.

What a story, huh?

So now I know where you sleep, where you are.

Maybe "zumtime"...

Sometime,

I'll come to say...

good moon.

Hi, Champagne!

Hello, does the lady desire tea

with light, delicate, whole grain cookies?

Am I in the hospital?

Today there's a delightful breeze.

- No, spaghetti with clam sauce! - Clam sauce?

I see.

- Champagne? - Yes!

I'd really rather have pasta and beans with mixed pasta.

I'll make some next time.

Mixed pasta?

Pasta and beans with mixed pasta...

- News from Letizia? - She asked about you three times.

She fired the librarian for not finding "Indifferentemente."

- Next move? - You have to disappear.

One who has things at her beck and call

can only love one who runs, and suffering will do her good.

- And you? - What?

Come on.

Jessica!

- I adore Miss Quagliarulo. - I knew it!

Some brotherly advice: what can you do in this outfit?

- You look like a twit. - What?

- An oaf. - Thank you.

I'd like to ask you...

when is the last time you made love?

In 1984.

- You're in a bad way! - You think?

- Twenty-nine very long years. - Of cobwebs!

What did you do to me?

That's called anti-aging. Now the moustache goes and you're perfect!

Why?

Cry!

- Cry! - But it's just a dead canary!

In Naples, even a canary is family.

It's a relative.

He shouldn't have done it!

He looks like he's sleeping, he was sweet as pie!

- Hankie. - What?

- A hankie. - Here.

- Good, tear your heart out! - The canary died!

Keep it.

- Guys! - Save me from this nightmare.

Now they'll teach you to say hello.

Come with us.

Come on!

Let's repeat.

Bro, lil' bro, big bro, my bro, my pal, my best pal!

Go!

Bro, lil' bro, big bro, my bro, my pal, my best pal,

brother and cousin of my pal's pal!

How was that?

Not bad. Did you study the insults?

Ok, then. Insult number four.

You're a dimwit!

And now I'll bite my tongue!

- Too much? - No, good.

Just in case, if you want an explanation,

you need a special attitude

when you don't understand very well, do this.

What's this stuff, bro? What is it?

Bro, yo, yo...

- It might come in handy. - Good.

Love phrases? If you like a woman, what do you say?

You're the woman who has generated the most emotion...

That's what I know!

You gotta say, like...

My love!

- D'emblée? - D'emblée, flambé, as you like.

My love!

- You OK? - Sort of...

"My lllove" with three Ls.

Mi lllove!

- Good! - Promoted?

Considering that the last time he made love,

Tutankhamun was 18,

he's promoted.

GOOD MOON

My love!

Champagne, is that you?

How about some macaroni omelet?

I shouldn't, I'm on a diet.

Maybe a tad. It's with bacon?

No, it's not with bacon.

Sausage with "friars".

- Whose friars? - Friarielli.

Champagne, you're tempting me.

Who is it, lil' bro, big bro or my bro?

- Chamberlain! - Sire!

What's happening to Letizia?

She's acting strange, always so pensive.

Tell me what's wrong with her.

I wouldn't know.

Perhaps problems with her charity?

I have a feeling, and I'm not often wrong.

She's falling in love with Gherets.

Majesty, your instinct is incredible.

I'll check.

Later.

I have Minister Chun Lai who must be escorted to the service door.

- Come immediately! - Coming.

Pardon.

I have a diplomatic mission.

See you!

Come on, you can do everything with spread elbows!

Days of study out the window.

You got her laughing and you left.

I couldn't keep the king waiting.

Ok, wait another 20 years!

When will you think of yourself?

Put your hands in your pockets. Elbows wide!

- Let's have some. - I'll get the cutlery.

Cutlery? We'll eat it like this.

Life is now. It's now or never.

Who gives a damn!

How are you eating?

That's not the way.

When you eat watermelon, you gotta get drippy,

but without getting stained.

You gotta eat at 90.

- What? - At 90 degrees.

Bend over a little,

stretch your arms out.

You can even move and eat like this.

This way you get drippy, but not stained.

The greatest melon eaters have scoliosis.

Besides, Jessica will never love a guy who can't eat at 90.

- You're sure? - Yeah!

And then, some advice.

Keep your Pinky finger up.

If you eat a sandwich with sausage and broccoli,

keep your Pinky up,

so you can use it to pick the broccoli from your teeth.

- Incredible! - Goes without saying.

The old ways.

Why are you helping me?

I like to see people happy.

Especially if they're in a bad way.

I'm sorry for what I thought about you.

You're better than so many living at the castle.

What's all these feelings?

You're not poor like me?

My father was a laborer.

My mother's unknown.

Don't ask for details, I didn't find out.

I knew we had something in common!

I'd like to help you for what I can.

- Are you jealous? - No.

- We all need our own space. - You'll be a cuckold!

Women like a little jealousy.

Your woman has to be untouchable, not to be looked at.

She's has to be a hag?

I'll explain, all at once is hard.

Listen, these thing I said,

never tell them to anyone.

A secret.

Like we were friends?

Madame...

Insult number seven.

You're more dimwitted...

than your ma and your pa put together!

And now I'll bite my tongue!

What are you saying?

I'm nervous, it's our first date.

Wait.

What are you looking at? Anyone ever tell you you're an idiot?

If they do, call me and we'll beat him up together.

Ice cream at 90?

Prevert, with his lyric longering says...

Damn you, hell!

We say, "Damn you to hell!"

You're good! The word is "lingering".

Anyway, the insult goes like this: "Damn you to hell."

It's a little bland.

It's not: "I'll now bite my tongue, bro, yo, yo..."

You can give it more substance and it becomes...

Quiet, dude,

or I can't say it.

I'm listening.

You can also say, "Damn you to hell and back."

- Never say "die"! - Never.

You can add the family.

Damn you and yours to hell and back

to those who don't raise their hands.

You don't need a translator anymore.

Ruotolo, you're fired!

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Look, Letizia has a crush.

But, if I were you...

I'd write...

something romantic, a finishing touch.

Your own words, you don't need all these books.

I have something for you.

You're distracting me.

What a pain!

This is for Jessica, study it.

Even tonight.

It's a musical, listen to it.

I'm crazy about Miss Quagliarulo.

Crazy.

A thousand times crazy.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

It was serene until two minutes ago

Then, who knows how

The sky started feeling like me

And I feel

Raindrops on my neck and on my hands

Tiny shivers making me feel I don't know how

The sensation that

I'm naked among people who don't notice

They're crying

And in you

There's a storm

Making you feel bad

But you're free

And as you see you're still standing

Someone will dry me off

As soon as you're down, don't move a muscle.

Good moon.

Where did you go?

I said, I'll drop in on Letizia and...

I did.

You live here, but I never see you.

It's not that...

you've met some pretty Countess?

I don't like them.

They're fake.

Artificial.

Sugarcoated.

I like women who...

touch petals with their fingers,

who smile...

who put their hand to their throats.

And who...

We have to talk.

When a woman says that, I get worried.

Marrying Gherets?

No, that's not it.

Would you like to eat?

Help me out?

I'll make an omelet.

You...

Beat the eggs.

I'll cut the zucchini.

Or you can cut the zucchini and I'll beat the eggs?

No, I'll beat the eggs.

Ok.

Maybe you'd better break them open.

- Think so? - I'd say...

Why don't we...

now that you're here, let's toast.

All right.

Me too, I discovered late

you need eggs to make an omelet.

Usually, after a toast there's a kiss.

Why should we?

There's no photographer.

What do you mean?

Every time we've kissed, there's a photographer.

I know you need me for charity.

Because you have to become famous.

I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed, I was wrong, I know.

I was about to say it.

When?

It's been two months.

I don't want to be made fun of anymore.

Yes, but...

now I...

Now I could fall in love with you.

Now I could...

Stop this!

Why be like this?

- We're different. - No, we aren't!

You've learned to be at court!

I learned your ways, but you haven't learned mine.

If I asked you to live my life, how would you take it?

Like that, don't say a word. I understand everything.

We're different.

What an ugly word "different", it means not to love.

It's love that makes us equals.

Right?

What a strange fate you all have.

You call yourselves regal,

yet you're so far from reality.

Antonio found out.

I know.

We failed.

I had to change him, but he changed me.

Wait.

This is from Antonio.

Love is that instant that can't wait even a second,

that chases the minutes, even sixty times

until the time comes to see you.

Love is that silver knot

that ties eyes to heart, insolubly.

Everything the heart looks at, is seen through the eyes

and everything the eyes see, is looked at by the heart.

And now that I know all these things,

protect me, defend me.

I want to trust you.

One more time,

my love.

Bro!

See who's there? The prince!

- The prince? Shut up! - You shut up!

It's really beautiful.

I'm glad you came to the opening, but I gotta go now.

I decided to change my life, Antonio.

Since we got back from the castle, new life, diet...

The dietitian said 100 grams at most, that's 150.

Come on, just 50 grams more!

Either you're on a diet or you aren't.

Now it's 100 grams.

You know what I can do to lose weight?

Bring a nice gym into the house.

Ciro, to lose weight, don't bring in a gym.

- Take out the kitchen. - Listen...

- Can we take a nice photo of us? - Go ahead!

- What? - I told you, he's not the prince.

- Want one of me? - How? You won't fit in here!

You never do what I say!

Never, never...

Remember me?

I'm the coffee machine technician. I came here last month.

I was passing by and said,

"I'll taste the coffee", but won't take a cent.

Technician? The technician's right in there.

I have an exclusive in this area.

Who cares? The technician's already here.

Colleague...

Where should I take you?

But I...

also have a license to taste chocolates.

To taste the best chocolate in Naples, come with me.

This mortgage is perfect for your two-room apartment.

Fine, thank you, you've been very clear.

May I offer a chocolate? The chocolatier is excellent.

Thank you.

I don't believe you want to live like me.

Months learning to mooch and you still don't believe me?

I want to spend all my days with you.

All of them, every moment.

I want to share my breath with you.

I want to love you forever too.

But the hard thing is to love every day, in simplicity.

I want us to love each other forever.

I want us to argue over the toothpaste,

or because I don't shop well.

I want you to see bacteria everywhere when you clean the house.

In the bathroom, the kitchen.

And before I come in, the bacteria looks at me and says,

"That guy's gonna catch hell!"

I want to love you forever.

I even want you to vacuum during the Naples games.

Only the Championship ones!

I want...

I want you off my boat.

If not I'll be getting it from my wife.

Who are these people?

- Excuse me, who are you? - The witnesses.

For the bride or groom?

For the accident, we helped them get the money for their wedding.

Let me say hello to the bride.

- A toast! - Wait!

A toast to the bride, hurrah!

The sfogliatelle, sugar-coated almonds...

Aren't you the princess?

Yes, but don't tell a soul.

Sure! Ciro, we won't tell a soul.

I'm a dimwit, think I'd say, "The princess is here!"

Stop, wait.

Antonio, a photo!

Stop right there!

Excuse me, but who are you?

We're the singers' managers.

They're coming.

They took me for a hat rack!

Ladies and gentlemen!

A great honor!

The princess made an omelet with her own hands!

The singers are here.

- What? - The singers.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

last but not least, the singers!

You are distant from my heart

My thought flies to you

I want for nothing, hope for nothing

But to keep you forever by my side

Feel sure of this love

Just as I am sure of you

Oh my life, oh life of mine

Heart of this heart of mine

You were my first love

And will always be my first and last love

So we'll be living in Naples?

Yes, how can the people love you if you don't live among them?

Sometimes we'll visit your father at the castle.

Like for the holidays: Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Carnival.

Instead of coming here in July and August, we'll go to the pool at the castle,

even if the best months are June and September.

So, we'll move into my place?

I want the kids to grow up in Naples.

But we can go from time to time.

And mooch off dad.

My love...