Original subtitles

( yawning)

Oh! Good morning, Dr. Crane.

Not a morning person, are we?

Well, never you mind. I am.

Can't very well be a good health-care provider

if you're not up with the cock.

I've already taken your father

for his morning constitutional.

Such a remarkable man.

30 Years on the police force.

I can understand why you'd want him to live here.

Although not many sons would do that...

Not without getting paid for it.

Anyway, coffee's made

and I took the liberty of doing a shop.

They don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?

And you are?

Daphne.

Daphne Moon.

I moved in yesterday.

You hired me to take care of your father.

Of course, of course.

You'll have to forgive me.

I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.

Oh, yes.

I completely understand about one's morning ablutions.

I, for instance, just can't stand meself

before I floss all that gunk out of me teeth.

Miss Moon...

for future reference

if you could just keep your "ablutions"

on a need-to-know basis.

Thank you.

Now my coffee.

The half-and-half's curdled

and the garbage disposal's jammed.

Oh, good morning to you, too, Dad.

Morning was two hours ago.

And close that barn door.

We got a lady in the house now.

Hey, this isn't my coffee.

Where's my finely-ground Kenya blend from Starbucks?

That's it.

Daphne put an eggshell and some allspice in it.

And didn't that just dress it up.

I like it.

Gives it a zing.

Now, come on, sit down.

Your breakfast is ready.

Oh, no, Dad.

Dad, look, all I ever have

is a bran muffin and a touch of yogurt.

Ah, girlie food.

Besides, I already fixed your breakfast.

Now, I made you eggs in a nest.

Ah, yes.

The Crane family specialty...

Fried eggs swimming in fat

served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of bread.

I can almost hear

my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.

You want cheese on that?

No. I'd like to leave some blood flow

for the clot to go swiftly to my brain.

Can't have my coffee.

Can't have my breakfast.

Oh, dear God, it wasn't a dream.

I'll get him for this...

and his little dog, too.

Where is my paper?!

Who stole my paper?!

Mrs. Everly, you old bat, I know it's you!

DAPHNE: Yoo-hoo!

It's right here.

We brought it in for you.

Oh.

Sorry! Sorry!

Now, wait a minute.

This... Where's the rubber band?

This paper has been read.

Well, don't worry.

We won't tell you what's in it.

That is not the point.

Dad...

Dad...

Come and sit down, please, will you?

DAPHNE: You're going

to give a speech, aren't you?

Oh, that's right, I forgot.

You're psychic.

Yes, but I think

anyone could feel this one coming on.

Let us get something clear...

I am not a morning person.

I have to ease into my day slowly.

First, I have my coffee

sans eggshells

or anything else one tends to pick out of the garbage.

Then, I have a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast.

Finally, I sit down

and read a crisp, new newspaper.

If I am robbed

of the richness of my morning routine

I cannot function.

My radio show suffers

and, like ripples in a pond

so do the many listeners that rely on my advice

to help them through their troubled lives.

I'm sorry if this may sound priggish

but I have grown comfortable with this part of myself.

It is the magic that is me.

Get used to it.

I know this is a stressful time

and this is new for all of us

but I'm sure that soon

we'll all be getting along swimmingly.

Ooh, six more weeks of winter I see.

Oh, dear God!

Down, Eddie, down.

I said "down."

Good boy, Eddie, just get down.

Good, good, good, Eddie.

Eddie, get down.

Get down!

Dad, Dad...

I can't read my paper.

Eddie's staring at me!

Well, you do make quite a picture in the morning.

Just ignore him.

I'm trying to.

I'm talking to the dog.

Oh!

Don't even think about it!

You're listening to Dr. Frasier Crane.

Our topic today is intrusion.

Those who encroach on our sense of personal space.

The neighbor who plays his stereo too loud...

The person who sits next to you

in the movie theater

when there are 50 other vacant seats.

Now let's return to our calls

and let me remind you once more

that our topic today is intrusion

since so many of you seem to be forgetting that.

Dr. Crane, we have Leonard from Everett on line two.

Hello, Leonard.

I'm listening.

Oh, hi, Dr. Crane.

Uh... I'm a little nervous, but, uh...

well, here it goes.

Um, several years ago

I became afraid of large, open spaces.

Like, if I went to the mall, I'd break out in a cold sweat.

I'd get so scared that I'd have to run home.

Yes, Leonard, and your comments on intrusion?

Nothing.

It's just that now I'm afraid to go outside at all.

I haven't seen another person in eight months.

Well, Leonard, it sounds like you may have

a very serious condition known as agoraphobia.

But you're not alone.

But I am alone, Dr. Crane.

Listen, Leonard, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult

to deal with in the time we have remaining.

So, if you'll just stay on the line

someone will give you the name of a qualified therapist.

Well, that's all the time we have for today.

You've been listening to Dr. Frasier Crane.

KACL 780.

Stay tuned for the news.

Then next up

Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and the Gonzo Sports Show.

I never miss it.

Yeah, right.

You want your messages?

Oh, listen, Roz, just hang on to them.

I think I'll stay in here for a while.

Today, more than most

I feel an overwhelming need for solitude.

I've got a fascinating book here

a comfortable chair and a soundproof booth.

( clattering)

Hi, ya, doc.

How they hanging?

Bulldog, what are you doing here?

We lost transmitter link power in Studio C.

I got to do my show from here.

( blowing whistle)

Hey...

where in the hell is my Cosell tape?

Somebody stole my Cosell tape!

This stinks!

This is total BS!

This... oh, here it is.

Let me just get out of your way.

Oh, by the way, Doc...

Doc, I heard what you said

to that kid who fantasizes about killing his parents.

You know what I would have told him?

Sports.

You go out there, break some heads.

That will turn him around.

Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racket.

Hey, where the hell's my Lasorda tape?

This is total...!

Ah, got it.

Uh-uh... hold on a sec.

I have to ask you something.

Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago.

The sex was okay, but he was kind of limited.

Maybe I should just...

No, no.

It wasn't that Gary was bad in bed.

I mean, he knew where all the parts were.

Unfortunately, most of them were his.

Yes, totally passionless.

It was like he was thinking of someone else.

I know I was.

Somebody's here.

I got to go.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Bye, Mom.

That was your mother?

Yeah. Why?

You talk to your mother like that?

Well, we're both adults.

We talk about everything.

Well, isn't that healthy.

What? You don't talk to your dad like that?

Oh, hardly.

We hardly speak at all.

Really?

Yes, well, you know, we're not really very similar people.

In fact...

my brother and I are a lot more like my mother.

You know, if it wasn't biologically impossible

I'd swear that Dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.

Hey, sweetcakes, you seen my engineer?

I think someone's talking to you, Frasier.

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes, he called

and he'll be right here.

So, do you want to go across the street

and have one of those expensive coffee drinks?

Maybe some other time.

Right now I'd like to continue my quest for solitude.

To go someplace where my father, Mary Poppins

and the hound from hell can't find me.

I think maybe I'll just go

sit under the shade of a tree

and read in a quiet park.

( thunder roaring)

Hello!

Hello?

Dad?

Daphne?

Eddie?

Could it be?

( chuckling)

( humming Bizet's "Toreador Song")

♪ Toreador ♪

♪ Don't spit on the floor-a ♪

♪ Use the cuspidor-a ♪

♪ What do you think it's for-a? ♪

( sighs)

( keys rattling, door opening)

( laughing)

So the elephant says

"He's with me."

( both laugh)

DAPHNE: Oh, Dr. Crane, you're home.

We just got back from your father's physical therapy.

Oh, glory be.

Oh, happy day.

Not that I'm not delighted to see the two of you

it's just that I'm in the middle of a very exciting chapter.

Oh, I understand.

So, why don't I pop into the kitchen

and brew you up a nice pot of tea.

No. I've just poured myself

a glass of wine. Thank you.

I see.

What are you reading?

Oh, Dad, you wouldn't find it very interesting.

I might. Any good?

Well, I haven't formed an opinion yet.

Oddly enough, I'm having a little trouble getting into it.

Thick.

Dad, will you...

listen, I don't want to offend, but...

if you wouldn't mind, could you just...

leave me alone and let me read my book?

No problem.

( thunder roars)

( rain pouring)

What are you doing?

I'm leaving you alone.

Well, it's very annoying!

Oh... what's your problem?

You've been sucking a lemon all week.

All right, all right, I'll tell you problem is

I can't get a moment's peace in my own house.

Well, forgive me!

When you invited me to move in

I didn't realize

I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room.

Perhaps only evenings.

I heard that.

Well, of course you heard it!

You're never out of earshot!

Ah, you know, you've always been like this.

You were always a fussy little kid

and it's gotten worse ever since.

You and your precious morning routine.

You got to have your coffee.

You got to have your quiet.

You got to have this, you got to have that.

Well, aren't you the little hothouse orchid!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I don't have to sit here and listen to that!

If you want everything so perfect

why don't you go live in a bubble?

Oh, well, all right.

Right now it sounds very inviting.

Finally a little peace and quiet around here.

( people talking quietly)

Hello, there, Frasier.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Well, that's a nice way to greet your brother.

Caffe latte, per piacere.

I'm sorry, Niles

it's just that I've been trying to read this book.

And it seems no matter where I light, I get interrupted.

Oh, The Holotropic Mind by Stanislav Grof.

I love his conclusion that a change in breathing patterns

can induce alternate states of consciousness.

Great. Now you've ruined the ending!

I'm sorry.

That was inconsiderate.

Mille grazie.

So, how's Father?

Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy.

The man who makes me dread the sight of my very doorstep.

The man who just drove me out of my own home.

And how's work?

Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Dad and I had another fight.

See, I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together

we'll do irreparable harm

to the relationship we have as it is.

Well, what are the alternatives?

Well, if I didn't feel so guilty

I'd... I'd do what I should have done in the first place:

just move Dad and Daphne into their own apartment.

Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier, it hasn't been that long.

You have to give it a chance.

And you might remember why you moved him in in the first place.

Refresh me.

You wanted to get closer to Dad.

I still do.

There isn't anything I'd like more

but he makes it impossible.

I can't read my book.

I can't have my coffee.

I can't have any peace in my own home.

So, what you're saying is, you want to be closer to Dad

but you don't actually want him around.

Ask yourself, Frasier, have you tried to sit down

and talk to him?

I mean, really talk to him?

Well, I...

Maybe I haven't done my best.

I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I?

Well, uh...

Thanks for the chat, Niles.

You're a good brother

and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

You're a good brother, too.

( door opening)

FRASIER: Daphne!

What are my things doing here?

My leather wing chair, my Tisami lamp?

We're putting them in the storage room in the basement.

There was no room for them in your study

once we got my furniture in.

We discussed it last night, remember?

Of course, of course.

I was just on my way

to ask that peculiar little man from building services

to give me a hand moving them.

Oh, yes. Kyle.

Well, give him my regards.

Oh, yeah, remind me again...

Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?

The brown one.

Daphne left your dinner in the fridge, if you're hungry.

Thanks, but I'm... I'm not. Uh...

Dad...

Listen, I'm sorry about, uh, the blowup earlier.

Ah, forget about it.

I already have.

You know, I guess it's no secret

that there's been a lot of tension between us.

And I think maybe one of the reasons is

that we never have a chance to sit down and talk

and I... I thought we might have a conversation.

Right now?

Yes, I think now would be a good time.

Later would be better.

It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation.

I'm talking about three minutes of your life.

Well, I hope it only is three minutes

'cause my program's coming on.

Well, if it will make you any happier

I'll get the egg timer

and I will set it for three minutes.

So, what do you want to talk about?

Well, the idea is for us to have

a normal, honest conversation just like two normal people

without getting on each other's nerves.

All right, ready...

Go.

This is stupid.

One second?

That's our personal best?

Let us see if we can beat it.

Ready?

Go.

( clock ticking)

So, how about those Seahawks?

No sports.

All right, no opera.

Agreed.

Ready?

Go.

This is your idea.

You say something first.

All right. All right.

I'll-I'll tell you something about myself

that, uh, you don't know.

Uh, six months ago

when Lilith and I were really on the rocks

uh... there was a time of depression I went through

that was so terrible, I actually...

climbed out on a ledge

and wondered if life was worth living.

And... then I...

I thought of Frederick.

And you didn't jump, huh?

Good, Dad.

Wow, I never knew that.

That's the point of this whole experiment...

To... to tell one another

something that we don't know about each other...

Something vulnerable.

Now it's your turn.

Okay.

Well, about two months ago

I was in the basement

going through some old pictures

of your mother and me

and all of a sudden something flew up in my eye.

And when I was trying to get it out

I realized that I could turn my eyelid inside out

the way kids do at camp.

That's it?

You call that vulnerable?

It hurt!

I'm not talking about that kind of pain!

I'm talking about your emotions, your soul!

Some sort of painful, gut-wrenching experience!

Other than this one?

Oh, God... always a flip answer.

Well, this whole thing's stupid.

Well, not to me.

Oh, how should I expect anything out of you?

You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable

distant, stubborn, cold man I've ever known.

You said "cold" twice, Mr. Egghead.

Egghead! Egghead!

You said "egghead" twice, too!

Oh, you are so infuriating!

Well, you're no day at the beach, either.

You know what you are?

( timer dings)

I'll tell you later.

It's time for my program.

Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is.

Oh, will you give it a rest?

Look, we're not getting along

and it's not getting any better.

I'm not sure how to say this, but, uh...

I, uh...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to...

I know what you're trying to say.

You want what's best for both of us.

You want to get me out of here

then you can have your own space

and I'll have my own space

and we can put an end to all this bickering.

Well, yes.

I guess it wasn't so hard to say, after all.

Except for one thing.

I'm not going.

What?

Look, you want us to forge

some great father-son relationship...

to make some connection.

Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years

not a couple of days, doesn't it?

You're the shrink.

A couple of years, huh?

Ah, it'll go by before you know it.

Either that, or it will seem like eternity.

I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.

Okay.

Great.

How about you and me having a beer together?

Wow.

You know, in all these years

you've never asked me that.

I'd love to have a beer with you, Dad.

Well, then, you better haul ass

'cause the store closes in ten minutes.

Right.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!