Original subtitles

Stan's good to go. His internal biosensor shows body temp and heart rate

are normal, and he has a full erection. That makes two of us.

Dear diary, tonight's the night. The big deal with the Domingo cartel, and I have

no idea what I'm going to wear.

Congrats, Stan. This is your 400th mission. We got you an ice cream cake.

Wait, are you eating the cake now?

Uh, no.

This is a practice ice cream cake.

Sorry, fellas. I got a split.

Stan, what's for dinner tonight? Don't tell me.

Oh, come on!

Hey, Stan, I need a ride to the dealership. My truck's making this

noise.

Guys, I'm on a mission. This number is only for emergencies.

This is an emergency.

I'm debating changing my hairstyle.

What do you think?

Oh sweet!

Ice cream cake!

Oh no!

Stan's dead!

Stan, your journey is not yet over.

I'm alive?

Yes, but you've lost a lot of blood and are having strange visions.

What kind of visions, rock and roll Gandalf?

Oh.

My internal biosensor. The CIA must think I'm dead.

It is just one of those days.

Happy birthday.

Francine, prepare for some heartfelt but extremely low-effort lovemaking.

Who the hell are you? I'm Stan.

Who the hell are you? I'm Stan.

Now get out of my house. You get out of my house.

If you're the real Stan, tell me what's your wedding anniversary?

No clue.

Actually, I don't know either.

I demand you take me to the CIA.

I need some answers.

That's where we're going, dumbass. And I'm the one who needs answers.

Dad. I'm freaking out about my big haircut tomorrow, so I booked us an

emergency midnight telehealth session with Dr.

Penguin. Thanks.

Sometimes the family is just... unrelenting.

Sometimes? More like always.

Yes. And between work and family, I never have a second for myself.

I hear you, bro. You know I still haven't used the spa gift card that

Stiles got me two Christmases ago?

Brutal. You know, for an evil clone likely sent to murder me, you're a

pretty solid dude.

Thanks, but I'm pretty sure you're the clone, my friend. Agree to disagree,

clone. But here's one thing we can agree to agree on. Do you want to stop at DQ

for a blizzard with fries mixed in?

This is good, but it would be way better at Chipotle so we can enjoy the amazing

music.

DJ Mild Salsa, give us a moment.

Uh, I might have figured out who's the clone.

Also, that right there, that's a dead giveaway.

Aw, man!

Hey, don't be sad.

I know what'll cheer you up.

Wow, my very own Kangol hat. I feel like a cool, bald guy.

Oh, we're here. Oh, good, no one's in my parking spot.

What now?

Do we even know what we're looking for? No, but I bet that guy knows where to

go.

Then your eyes looks like agent Escher designed another secret staircase

I Just want to say

I'm having a really good time with you me too Okay, just free associating

I don't love what I'm seeing

I thought we lost you.

I'm so happy you're alive, Stan.

Bullock, what's with this secret clone program?

Think of it. Never again will an agent's family lose a loved one to a dangerous

mission. Visiting widows is the worst part of my job. I hate folding that

flag. The widows never appreciate it. They're always crying.

Okay, but why are they all clones of me?

We were actually trying to clone Stiles, but you sneezed in the sample.

It's actually impossible to find a DNA sample in the office that you haven't

sneezed on.

Sorry, late to block that one.

Yep. Hey, Dad. I accidentally got super high and now I'm lost.

Can you come and find me? Hey, Tuttle. Oh, I'm in Tuttle's house. Never mind.

The frustrated grunt of a man with a lot on his plate.

Don't you see the answer is right in front of you?

I'm giving you clones!

You see, what I'm trying to do... I've been around the block, Stan.

I know what's happening here. Okay, but the plan is... For the clones to help

with all your family responsibilities. Yes, I get it. This isn't like a

groundbreaking idea.

Happy to help wrangle the stands and break them in. Why are you standing on

that stool like that? So I can do this.

Hmm. Wet all the way down.

These are good clones.

I'm off to the spa.

Here's a list of what I need the clones to do for me today.

It might be tricky to coordinate all these tasks without the family catching

on. Are you sure you got this, Roger? Stan, I simultaneously juggle hundreds

of personas, run three successful Wingstop franchises, and I'm the GM of

the Vancouver Canucks. I think I can handle a few clones doing some errands.

What's this?

Are you kidding me?

What were you two doing by the river?

Salamanders. Salamanders.

That's your answer?

Salamanders? Now what the hell is this?

What are you doing? This isn't on the list. Who even is this kid?

Camden.

Get in the car.

Up. Wait. Empty your pockets.

All of you?

Go easy on the clones, Stan. It's not all their fault.

I know. It's mostly your fault.

Well, you need to relax, bud. Have a beer. Have sex with one of the clones.

Roger. You're no longer in charge.

It's the right call. You clones need supervision.

Someone to watch over you and make sure you're doing your jobs.

To that end, I've brought in more clones!

All right, Stan 4 is giving Jeff a bath. 7 is at Dillard's with Haley, finally

getting her properly sized for a bra.

Oh, original Stan is home. Stan 12, how's that foot rub going?

Oh, Stan.

She's super horny. We're ready for you, OG Stan.

Time for the main event.

Boom.

Sending in Stan 13 for cuddling.

Stan Smith.

Ugh.

Who's hungry for my legendary turkey soup?

Cheers to the one and only Stan.

This is bull crap.

I don't know, guys. It's nice to see Stan happy. Doesn't that make it all

worth it? Oh, shut up, Cuddle Stan.

Hold up. I'm confused.

We played basketball all yesterday afternoon, Dad.

How did you also take Steve to a five-hour haircut?

Great question, Hayley, but I have a better one. Who wants dessert?

What's all that noise?

Probably rats.

Ungrateful rats that need to be put in their place.

Finally, someone is doing something about those entitled rats.

It's not fair how you treat us. Hey, we're all equal here. Except for me,

because I was created by God and you are abominations.

What the heck is going on, Stan?

Nothing's going on. Woman, you are so paranoid.

Just because you're right doesn't mean you're not paranoid.

Now I get how you were able to do all that stuff.

But it wasn't you at all, was it? T'was Beauty that killed the Beast.

No, Jeff. All right, I might have had a little help from a few clones.

Let's not make this into a huge deal.

I thought you had turned over a new leaf, but instead you found a new low.

Hey, I did this for you guys.

For us?

Where were you even?

He was at the spa.

The spa, huh?

Well, if you love the spa so much, why don't you just go live there?

Great idea.

Maybe I will.

So, it's probably time for you unsettling creatures to go, too.

They can't leave now.

I need their help completing my look. What's next for me?

Overlining my lips or shaving off my eyebrows?

Both. See?

Okay. The unsettling creatures can stay.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Family check you out? You're gonna love living at the spa.

All the mealy Granny Smith apples in deodorant you can eat.

But I don't want to eat deodorant. I want my family.

What a weirdo.

Don't worry, it's all good.

I've learned my lesson and appreciate my family again. This happens a lot. I

forget to value my family, but then I remember.

So if you'll simply let me back into my house. This is our house now.

Listen up, clonies. I'm the original Stan.

You clonies have to do what I say.

I don't think so.

We've realized that it is we clonies, clones, that are superior, better than

you in every way.

Goodbye, Stan.

Make yourself at home, Stan.

We're watching Peacock.

Bullock, there's something wrong with the clones.

They're being really mean and talking crazy, saying they're superior to me.

Sounds like everything is going exactly as planned.

What? This is why I let you take the clones.

I needed them to realize they were superior to humans.

And the only way to do that was to have them live with an idiot like you.

The only way? The most fun way!

I can't believe this. If only someone had warned me.

Ugh.

Humanity is weak and flawed.

Your time has passed.

The future is clones, Stan.

Hey, why are you calling me Stan?

You always call me- Smith!

Watch out!

Two bullocks? How could this be?

What? He's obviously a clown!

Oh

no!

Now I know how those delicious BK broilers feel!

Where am I?

Welcome to the island of Misfit Stands!

What is this place?

I think I can answer that.

It's an island.

Yes, but why all the- Horrifying versions of you that look like crimes

against nature? Well, you see, one of my clone project duties included killing

all the stands that came out... different.

But I didn't have the heart to do it.

So I came up with this system where the imperfect Stans would secretly be

shipped to this island!

Every breath I take is like a little death.

He's our resident drama queen.

I finally did master the process, but then Bullock turned on me and here I am.

But I'm not complaining.

I love island life. I got my hammock, my little Stan, and all the raw monkey I

can eat.

Yeah, this place is pretty sweet.

But don't just take it from me!

I'm sorry, Smith.

This is all my fault. When you start a clandestine cloning program, you never

expect anything to go wrong.

What happened? Things went downhill after I cloned myself to wait in line

for the Jordan 5 wolf graze to drop. My own frickin' clone turned against me.

And now that evil bollock has turned all the clones against humankind!

He's been making enhanced stand clones!

They're planning on taking over the world!

Oh no!

My family is in danger!

Your family?

And the whole world!

I have trouble conceptualizing stakes that high. Let's just stick with my

family. Okay...

All right. First, we clone the president and collapse the economy. Then we clone

the pope and destroy their religion.

And then we clone the members of Weezer, break up the band, spend a decade

messing around with indulgent side projects until finally reuniting to

headline Coachella. I'm a little behind. Did you guys figure out these are clones

yet? Roger, why are you in here?

Stan 4 found out that I was also hooking up with Stan 7.

Eight, nine, ten, and eleven. There was a hilarious scene of me on six dates all

at the same Ruth's, Chris.

Did that get cut for time?

I need to get back to save my family. And I need to get back for my

goddaughter's quinceañera.

But how will we get home?

Someone need a ride?

Sail.

I stand. I stand.

This is amazing, but I don't get it.

Why are you all helping me? We may be misfits, but we're still stans. We love

Francine, Haley, and Steve, and tolerate Roger, Jeff, and Klaus just as you do.

But hey, could you move slightly to the left? You are standing.

Right on my balls.

Sail! We know!

So, the aberration survived.

Very well.

It's time.

Understood. We'll be there.

Oh, I'm getting another call.

No, Klaus, I can't hang out at the dealership. I don't care that the hot

receptionist is wearing the sweater again.

I don't want to watch my daddies hurt each other. Oh, you have to watch.

I shall relish seeing your face as your father and your belief in humanity die.

Wow, that was lame.

Embarrassing. We all heard you practicing your little speech in the

bathroom this morning. You heard that?

Yeah, we did.

I know you're scared of these perfect stands.

But I'm here to tell you, stands aren't supposed to be flawless.

Flaws make us who we are.

Those other stands may be perfect, but it's our imperfections that make us

beautiful.

Really?

Yes.

Joy for Narnia!

Wow. The Battle of the 400 Stands.

400?

I'm not sure your math is right, but my count states... Don't be that guy!

It's the Battle of the 400 Stands!

It's the Battle of... of the 400 stand!

I'm Colonel Stan, and I couldn't bear to see you all... Die, Klutzkopf!

I'm pretty sure I'm the good one.

I should have known it would come to this.

I'm gonna savor your death.

It's so corny.

Shut up. You won't be laughing.

Oh, crap. I killed Stan.

I gotta get out of here. I'm so drunk.

Oh, crap.

I killed Stan again.

Earlier I thought I learned a lesson, but now I'm not so sure.

This beach is nice, though. You guys want to go swimming?

We've destroyed all the cloning tech and the enhanced stand clones.

I just have one question left.

Only one?

I feel like there are a lot of lingering questions.

How exactly did Dr. Weitzman ship off the misfit clones?

Was someone at the CIA secretly helping him? It was me all along, y'all.

Now enough yapping.

Let's party!

Bye, have a great time!