Original subtitles

All right, if you know the song, sing along with me.

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ Hail Mary ♪

♪ Run quick see ♪

♪ What do we have here now ♪

♪ Do you wanna ride or die ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

You.

You, white girl, come here.

Come here, white girl.

On behalf of the black community,

I adopt you, sweetheart, okay? Okay?

I'm gonna send you a Black Lives Matter t-shirt,

you're gonna take that shit with you.

All right, thank y'all so much!

Appreciate it! I'm Floyd Mooney!

Oh, my God, so much fun!

So much, thank you!

Hey, wake up.

Hey, man.

Wake up, wake up, motherfucker,

it's Malcolm on the phone.

I hate you.

What you want?

Yo, you never called me back last night.

That's 'cause I was busy on stage killin', motherfucker,

just like you killin' my vibe right now.

What you call me so early for?

I need you to put your big boy pants on

and get your beautiful, black butt cheeks

to Century City for a meeting.

Who with?

Jason Gold, motherfucker.

Never heard of him.

Come on, Floyd,

he's only the biggest comedy director in Hollywood right now.

Is this a real meeting? Like a meeting, meeting?

He call you or you call him? Truth.

He called me.

You're sure he's a fan?

Oh, yeah.

Huge fan, told me himself.

Hey, man, when you gonna get me a meeting

with that Tarantino motherfucker?

I'll be a cotton-picker for that visionary any day.

Oh, yeah, that's gonna happen. For sure.

Listen, call me after, okay?

Love ya.

Will do, jiggaboo.

Hey, this is radio station WSKEE,

we're taking calls on the wish line,

making your wacky wishes come true.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -

Hey, how you doing, man? Here you go, sir.

- What up? - Yo, yo, yo, yo.

You Floyd Mooney, right?

Yeah, motherfucker, where you know me from?

Man, me and my girl caught you at the J Spot a couple weeks ago-

You had us laughing so hard we almost wet ourselves, bro.

No, seriously, like a little bit of pee came out.

That's what I like to hear.

Provoking moisture in all its glorious forms, baby.

- Man! - You feel me?

- Hey, can I get a pic? - Can you get a pic!

- All right, come on. - Man, oh, my God, man.

They ain't gonna believe this in the hood.

- Yeah, I know, right? - What you wanna say?

Say cheese, motherfucker.

Cheese, motherfucker!

Man, bro, it's an honor, man.

For real, keep killing it, man.

Floyd Mooney.

Hey!

Jesus, what a disaster.

That was the fucking Hindenburg of handshakes.

Really sorry about that.

Can we skip to the part where we're cool?

Nah, man, don't worry about it, we cool.

Yeah, I've just never been any good at that stuff.

What stuff? Black stuff?

No, I'm sorry, I...

I-I didn't mean it like that.

Then how'd you mean it?

I'm fucking with you, man.

Relax your ass off, man, I'm fucking with you.

Oh, my God, you're a funny motherfucker.

I appreciate that, man.

Yeah, so, I'm making this movie

about an African-American attorney.

It's cool, you can say black.

Oh, no, I never say black.

Oh, good, man. Good for you.

That was a test. Obviously.

Anyway, this bla... African-American attorney lands his first client

and get this, turns out she's the first woman

Bill Cosby ever drugged and molested.

And this cranky little firecracker wants her day in court.

Oh, snap, man, that's dope, man.

Listen, my mom's gonna be over the moon.

She's always wanted me to be an attorney, so...

No, no, no, no, no.

- You play the old woman. - Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna kill this.

Heh. All right, here's the thing.

So I used to watch Eddie Murphy movies with my pops.

I'd always look at him and I'd say,

"Pops, I wanna be just like Eddie Murphy."

And he'd be like, "You know what, you can be like Eddie Murphy",

you just make sure them white Hollywood motherfuckers

"never put you in a dress."

So, uh, yeah, can't do that.

You do know there's a fine tradition

of "blafrican" American...

I'm sorry. I don't know why I keep saying that.

Oh, that's cool, man, it's just 'cause you're racist.

Not like KKK racist,

more like well-meaning, west-of-the-405 racist.

But hey, it's fine.

Just kidding, not really. Continue.

Right.

Anyway I think it could be hilarious.

Right, man, but here... here's the thing.

Aren't we just a little done with the whole Cosby pile-on?

I mean, I wouldn't want the man to be my anesthesiologist

or anything like that,

but aren't we a little sick of the outrage?

Just a little bit?

He raped over 50 women.

Allegedly.

I don't know for sure if he raped anybody.

And let's say he did do some of that pervy shit.

Maybe he did 'em a favor by drugging them.

Would you really want the memory

of old Doc Huxtable's Jell-O pudding, meaty fingers

all up in your lady gravy?

- You feel me? - No, I don't feel you.

In fact, I'm pretty offended.

You're in comedy and you're offended?

That offends me, motherfucker.

Just relax.

Chill.

Stifle your white outrage.

I mean, we haven't even ordered yet.

So, what else you got for me?

What the fuck were you thinking?

Come on, man, it wasn't that bad.

There are times when you have to be

a little less you, Floyd.

And this was one of those times.

You're not being a very proud black man right now.

That's 'cause I'm not black, Floyd.

I'm Indian.

You deal with police, I deal with airport security.

And this very proud brown man

is trying to make you a very successful black man.

The goal has always been white famous.

Why do I have to be white famous?

Why the fuck not?

Don't you wanna be so famous that you transcend color?

Obama, Tiger Woods,

Will Smith before the Jada shit.

Maybe it's not in the cards for me, Malcolm.

Maybe I'm just a funny motherfucker.

A comic's comic.

Isn't that enough?

That's not why I signed you.

You could be so much bigger than that.

And all you gotta do is be willing to wrap your lips

around a little white dick every now and then.

Well, when you put it like that,

you're lucky I'm not firing your light-skinned Harvard ass

right now, motherfucker.

Floyd, Jason Gold

is a very important client at this agency.

Oh, whoo, you wanna-be-white,

Heineken-drinking motherfucker!

Now we getting to the bottom of this, Malcolm!

Look who's transcending color now.

You're just another Hollywood douchebag.

- Say it, Floyd. - You want me to say it?

- Yeah, bitch. - You want me to say it?

- Say it. - You want me to say it loud?

You're fired!

Did you just fire me?

Yes, I did.

Yes!

Fuck you, Floyd!

I don't need you.

Have fun being in Jerrod Carmichael's shadow.

- Oh, fuck! - You get up, I get up.

Fuck you. Oh. Oh, and by the way,

Heineken's have no color or creed.

It's a delicious and refreshing beverage.

You know what? Go ride a carpet!

How is that an insult?

You know how dope it would be to have a carpet that flies?

Fuck you!

That movie was funny.

That ain't saying much, kid.

You think car accidents are funny.

Momma says you're a comedy snob.

Well I guess your momma's right, as always.

Hey, look, when it's funny it makes you roll,

and that shit... sorry, stuff...

did not make me roll.

Not like the stuff I used to watch with my pops.

But I'm glad you liked it.

I like seeing movies with you, Daddy.

I like seeing movies with you, too, little ninja. Mmm.

When are you and Momma getting back together?

What do I always tell you?

Comedy is not kind.

Uh-huh, and it's especially not kind for mommies and daddies.

But how come you sleep over sometimes?

Because your mother's the most beautiful woman in the world,

and I like being in her orbit

even if sometimes she wants to blow up my spaceship.

- You feel me? - Straight up.

That woman is ferocious.

That she is, little man.

That she is.

Who's in the lead? Who's in the lead?

- Who's in the lead? - Now who's in the lead?

Oh, no, you a cheater! You gonna cheat, huh? Okay.

You know what? Good job.

- There's no rules. Come on. - Good job.

Good job, good job.

- Hi! - Hey, Mom.

Come here. Oh...

Go say goodbye.

- Bye, Daddy. - See you later, dude.

Love you.

Mm-mm-mm. Damn, woman.

You look good in that,

but you always look good, so...

I heard you got dropped.

Who told you that?

- Malcolm. - Motherfucker.

Right before he asked me out.

Motherfuck... wait, what'd you say?

You know that's none of your business.

The man's a serious earner.

That's some unsettling shit. Don't play like that.

- Relax, I'm messing with you. - Mm-hmm.

You should be more worried about what next.

Guess I'll just go back on the road.

Hit up the circuit.

Oh, great,

just when your son was getting used to having you around all the time.

Okay, I know, but what else is out there for me?

I don't know, maybe it's time to figure it out.

Without a doubt.

How 'bout we open some wine and brainstorm?

You can be my smart and sexy sounding board

and if it gets a little too late

and I get a little too drunk,

we can have a sleepover.

- No. - Damn!

How come sometimes it's yes and sometimes it's no?

You got a confusing vagina...

he said with love, respect, and eternal devotion.

Goodnight, Floyd.

Wait.

Come back! Come back!

Good burger?

Fantastic fucking burger.

Good fries?

Oh, they bang.

They do bang.

Can't keep eating like that, Balls.

Yeah, like what?

Burgers and fries all the damn time.

You can't keep fucking with that greasy pork shit, man.

You're gonna die young and suffer, motherfucker.

Yeah, well, I can't eat like you.

Why not?

'Cause I got a seafood allergy and I could die, motherfucker.

- You know this. - Are you allergic to vegetables?

No, they're just foul.

Okay. You gonna check out my set tonight?

No, man, gotta work.

You gotta give up that civil service shit, man.

Come do standup. You're one of the funniest motherfuckers I know.

No, man, too much stress. I can't handle that shit.

It would be like having homework every night.

I like helping you with your shit.

Oh, I did use that Cosby bit you gave me

with the director.

Okay, how'd that go?

Acted like I stuck a dry thumb up his grandmother's ass.

You think I made the right decision, though?

That was a big fucking opportunity

and I clearly pissed all over it.

You wanna know what I think?

I think you is you

and every day you stick to being you is a good day.

So fuck 'em.

No regrets.

Don't chase.

Just do you, man.

- You're a wise man, Balls. - I know this.

You're like a big, fat, sexy, motherfucking Buddha,

- that's what you are. - Hold on. Come on, man, come here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. God dang, Balls.

Rub it. Rub it for good luck.

- Your bellies? - Yeah!

Congratulations, motherfucker, when the baby dropping?

Hey, thank you.

Oh, hell nah.

Just, uh...

I'll call you back.

Uh, there a problem?

Do I look like the fucking valet to you?

- Sure, why not? - Because I'm black?

No, because you're standing in front of the valet stand.

Looking all lazy and shiftless, right?

You want me to step and fetch for you?

Whoa, slow down, Spike Lee.

Look, what if we just took a little beat

and not blow this up into some big, huge racial thing.

I just want my fucking car.

You're gonna have to wait for it, motherfucker,

just like I'm waiting for mine.

♪ Chillin' with my villains, homie ♪ ♪ Fuck your feelings ♪

♪ Chillin' with your bitches, homie ♪

- That you? - Yeah.

- Wow. - That's me.

- Gracias, gracias. - De nada.

- Muchas gracias. - There you go.

Sweet ride there, man, sweet ride.

Yeah, I guess you're shocked that a handsome,

well-hung black man like myself can afford something like this.

Are you kidding? This is LA.

I see you guys driving around all the time,

acting like you're stars in your very own rap video.

Us guys?

What you mean, like us colored fellas?

Yeah, I guess that didn't come out

exactly as planned.

Look, I've had a few cocktails,

but this is so not a thing.

Yes, I did think you were a valet,

not because you're black,

and that doesn't even make sense.

Valets are usually Mexican.

- Wow. - Ah, gracias, hombre.

It's a thing!

- No, no, no, listen. - Yo!

I am the farthest thing in the world

from a racist.

Oh, really?

I am working with Jamie fucking Foxx right now.

No, and he's black as the ace of spades.

You know it. I love black people.

Black people love me.

Especially black women.

Oh, I have gotten lost in some seriously black booties

and big chocolate titties for like...

days.

I feel sorry for any black woman

that would allow you to smash, my friend.

- I paid her. - I knew it.

Anyway, sorry for the misunderstanding.

I'm just gonna go black inside.

Fuck me, fuck me!

Look, I am just going to go back the fuck inside

and have another drink before I hit the road.

Peace, we okay?

Right on.

I got no words.

It's your boy.

You made me fire you, motherfucker, that means you can't wake me up

at the crack of your momma's ass no more.

And what's this I hear you asking my lady out?

She didn't say no, man, fingers crossed, all right?

Pray for me on that.

Listen, Floyd,

you are blowing the fuck up.

- What you talking about? - That video, man.

People are talking about it.

- What video? - Stu Beggs.

I love black people and black people love me.

Especially black women. Bro, you posted that shit?

How could you do that?

Wait, who the fuck is Stu Biggs? Come on, man,

you've gotta pay more attention to this business of show.

He's a huge producer.

You are breaking the internet, bro.

Do I come off like an asshole?

Nah, man, you come off as that motherfucker

with the cape on.

You are Taimak, the last dragon.

You got the glow.

He wants to sit down and apologize to you in person

because old white men can do that.

I don't need no apology from that fool.

Listen, you're gonna take your black ass

to his house right now, you're gonna accept his apology,

and then we may be able to spin this

into something incredible.

I love you, goodbye, have a nice day,

I love your girlfriend, bye.

We live in a strange time, Lloyd.

Floyd.

Of course.

It's a strange time...

- Floyd. - Floyd, Floyd.

Ours is becoming a culture of outrage.

This don't sound like no apology I've ever heard.

Am I sorry? Oh, yes, I am so sorry.

I wish the whole thing never happened.

It's unfortunate.

And it really interferes with the business.

People seem to be so angry with me right now out there.

The PC army is gathered,

I've been dragged to the center of the virtual town square,

my pants have been pulled down,

and I am being publicly shamed.

It's no picnic.

Yep, I'm not feeling this. Good luck, racist.

Wait, sit.

Please?

We need each other right now.

I don't need shit from you, dude.

I need to make amends

and you obviously need a career boost.

My career is going fucking fine.

I make a room full of people laugh

till they piss their pants.

Yeah, small rooms in small, depressing clubs

east of the 10, south of Crenshaw.

How about movie theaters around the world.

What about them?

Well, I happen to be producing a movie with Jamie Foxx.

You say the word and I will put you the fuck in it.

I don't need a handout from you, dude.

Why the fuck not? Don't be a moron.

Look, I need something to show the world

that I'm not some racist creeper

and you need not to pass on the opportunity of a lifetime.

- Do you have a woman? - Got a baby mom.

- Big titties? - Big ol' titties.

- Bubble butt? - Ass so fat

it should be on the cover of Lane Bryant.

- You got pictures? - Pictures?

You know, on your phone?

Hey, you better watch your mouth.

Don't make me fuck you up.

Hey, relax.

I'm just asking questions.

I just happen to be a naturally curious person.

Look, I don't have a head for math,

but this much I know.

If you got a baby momma,

I think that means you have a baby.

So listen, you don't do it for me.

You do it for your momma's baby.

- I am my momma's baby. - Exactly.

Or you do it for your fucking kid.

God damn it.

Anyway, in the meantime

I think you ought to meet with this director.

He's a douchey little fuckwad,

but he's harmless.

Just for the record, I still don't want you in my movie.

I still don't know if I wanna be in your movie.

Yeah, well, Stu Beggs wants you in my fucking movie,

and Stu Beggs usually gets what Stu Beggs wants.

Wouldn't that make it his fucking movie then?

Where we walking so fast to? Gotta run this by Foxx.

I don't know, man.

It doesn't seem like you're running much of anything around here.

Foxx, it's Gold.

- Foxx? - Yo, what the fuck!

You said to come in, so...

Nah, I said I'm cumming!

A thousand apologies, Foxx.

Look, uh, this is Floyd Mooney.

Mooney?

Young blood, what's up, baby?

Go, get the fuck out. Go kill yourself.

- Okay. Okay. - All right?

Hey, man, you sure I don't need to come back later?

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is just research, blood.

I'm just studying for a character right now.

And although she's straddling me

and my penis is fully mushroomed, this has no affect.

All right, baby, meet me in the master.

Good meditation. Whoo.

You meditate?

Not like that. Guess I need to start, right?

A little help, Mooney?

A little help?

You sure you don't want a wet wipe or something, man?

She's hypoallergenic.

What's up, baby? Look at you.

Oh, man. Oh, you just...

You just gonna touch my face with your nut hands.

So what you want to talk about?

You know, I just wanna talk about this whole...

Hmm?

Uh...

What's on your mind? Stu Biggs?

Cracker is a character, ain't he?

Yeah, you could say that.

You feeling the heat right now, though, he needs you on his film.

Look, man, I told him

I don't need a handout.

Especially not from a fucking racist like him.

Come on, Mooney, Stu ain't no racist, man,

he's just on the spectrum. He just has no filter.

Plus he gets me paid,

that makes him down in my book.

I just think that everybody's so sensitive right now.

Straight up.

I tell you what, this movie's gonna be hot

that I'm doing

and if you do get it,

you're gonna be leapfrogging a lot of people, man.

You ready for that?

Look, I didn't ask to be here, man, okay?

I just came here to pay respect

to a legit hero of mine.

Mooney, that means a lot, man.

Which one you like the most?

We'll get to it. Anyway, sit down.

All right. Word.

So you are telling me

that you are ready to roll with your heroes, huh?

Yes, I am.

You ready to swim with the big sharks?

I think you're saying the same thing twice,

but the answer's still yes.

So, uh... what's the problem?

It's just that, I don't wanna...

It's the dress, huh?

Everybody always trippin' on the dress.

You know this whole conversation about a dress

is just nuts.

What?

You think they gonna talk shit about you?

Let me explain something to you, young blood.

If they talking about you, that's glorious,

because that means that they saying something about you.

You work out? Your tit is tight.

Look what this dress did to me.

I went from saying, "Hey, for real though,"

to "I'd like to thank the Academy."

And when I was thanking the Academy,

what motherfuckers didn't know

is I had my dress on under my suit.

You know what, all due respect Foxx,

I can't, man.

Why?

'Cause, man, my pop would roll over in his grave.

Your pops would roll over in his grave, what you talking about?

Your pops right now is decomposing

and enriching the soil

for the next generation

which is what you're gonna be doing

if you don't realize you're missing

the golden opportunity of a lifetime. You gotta understand,

it's not about the dress. You don't let the dress define you.

You define the dress.

Your daddy would want you in this.

Try this bitch on.

Floyd fucking Mooney. Look at you.

You look good enough to take home to Momma.

Well, let's see that shit.

- See what shit? - That nut-pussy.

Nut-pussy? What you talking about, nut-pussy?

Oh, you don't think you actually still have a dick anymore, do you?

Come on, man, of course I got a dick, man.

My dick pretty, man.

My dick prettier than a motherfucker.

The minute you put that dress on, dick goes away.

Oh, you don't believe me.

Check it.

You check it.

Let's see that nut-pussy.

Oh, no! Where is it?

Where is it?!

- It's gone, nigga! - Where'd it go?

Where's my dick?

It's not here!

And it's wet, too.

I ain't gonna be able to do it, Foxx.

You gonna say no to Foxx?

I'm saying no thank you to Foxx.

Okay, well, I guess you'll just remain

the mid-level comedian

just killin' 'em in the club in the hood,

but white folk don't even know who the fuck you are.

So be it.

Big Mooney.

Well, I guess you don't have the eye of the tiger.

Get the fuck out.

Just ride off into, uh, black obscurity.

See, what I tell you?

Get it?

- Did he really laugh like that? - All the time, man.

It was classic.

He used to go...

What are you doing?

All of my popcorn!

What were you boys just watching?

Peppa Pig, woman. It was hilarious.

Ain't that right? Back me up, little ninja.

Daddy, really?

You love Peppa Pig, you know you do.

I do, but I don't lie to my momma.

You're right and that's a very good thing.

For you, not so much for me.

Daddy showed me a movie

called Beverly Hills Cop with Eddie Murphy.

Come on, I thought we agreed

not to show him any R-rated movies?

I just wanted to expose him to the classics, you know?

The stuff that me and my pops used to watch.

Oh, God.

Come on, Mom, it's just a couple of shits and fucks.

Okay, off to bed.

School tomorrow.

All right, dude.

Keep those words to yourself.

Later, Daddy.

It's not funny.

It was hilarious.

Hot date, Mom?

Hey, quit looking at me with those rapey eyes.

It's none of your damn business.

I know, I know, I'm just... I'm just playing.

- I had a session. - How'd it go?

You know, the usual.

Sang backup for some skinny little twig

with like a zillion Twitter followers that needs autotune.

Oh, I miss that little sweet voice of yours.

- Why don't you sing me something. - I'm off the clock.

On some real, can I ask you something?

I'm tired, Floyd.

I wanna just take my shoes off, lay down.

I got an opportunity to be in a movie.

Seriously? That's incredible!

- Yeah, but I turned it down. - Why?

'Cause they wanted to put me in a dress.

Yeah, is it a big movie?

Jamie Foxx is in it.

That's huge!

- Yeah but... - Yeah, but what?

You should totally put a dress on for Jamie Foxx.

Hell, I'd take my dress off for Jamie Foxx.

Look, it's just that thing.

Every time there's a funny, black brother in Hollywood,

they try to emasculate him.

I know this might sound corny, but I don't want to sell out.

Well, I mean, you wouldn't be selling out

if you're providing for your son.

But I am providing, right?

Yeah, you're providing.

You're a good father.

I'm funny, too, right?

Funny enough to get my dress off.

What was it? What was it?

Was it Denzel that got you? You like the Denzel.

I like that one.

You like the Denzel impression.

When I look into your eyes

I see a woman that I have never seen before.

Why? Because we just met.

And then do the eyes and get you laughing.

Yeah, it was the laugh and the lips.

Spit fling, that's right,

spit flinging and shooting everywhere.

My nigga, my nigga, my nigga.

So stupid.

You see this? You laughing.

I miss this.

I miss us.

It just feels right.

I'm sure there's plenty of pretty young things

to keep you company.

Mm-mm, hear me now, hear me now, hear me now.

Listen, they don't got nothing on my baby, okay?

You sure talk a good game.

I'd rather be putting hands and lips on you right now

if I could.

She's not saying no.

She's not saying yes.

- Are you gonna get that? - Mm-mm.

Baby, mackin' on you is way better

than yakkin' on the phone.

Yeah, but see, this isn't going very much further.

It can go a little bit, right?

- No. - Just a little bit.

Answer the phone. Go, get it. Get the phone.

Fine.

This nigga.

What's up, cock blocker?

Foxxy wants you in the movie, motherfucker.

What you talking about, man, that motherfucker's crazy.

Who cares, they all are.

Point is, it's good PR for Beggs

and then you get the fuck out of the ghetto, man,

it's a win-win.

First of all, motherfucker,

I don't stay in the ghetto. Second,

I don't know if you heard what I said, but Foxx

or no Foxx, I'm not putting on a dress.

You're not hearing

my words, Floyd.

You don't have to wear a dress, okay?

Thank you.

Foxx likes you!

He respects the fact that you said no,

so they found a great part for you in the movie

and, guess what, there's no dress.

There's no panties, there's no tampon required.

You are the king of the castle, brother.

Why is there a big, fancy car in front of our house?

Why is there a fucking Maybach outside of my house?

Ha, he's picking you up to take you straight to set.

- What if I don't want to? - What are you doing?

Floyd, Beggs likes you, so please do this, okay?

I don't know, kid, but I think this might be the start

of a very rare and beautiful ebony and ivory relationship.

Now I'm gonna see your big, ol', black

booty on set, okay?

Go.

- Really? - Really.

What do you do, son?

Oh, uh, I do comedy, sir, uh, standup.

Well, looks like you're on your way.

Yeah, well, uh, we'll see about that.

I used to drive Mr. Flip Wilson.

Oh, word?

Oh, you're too young to know about that.

He was one of the top black superstars of his day.

You know what he told me once?

What's that?

Don't forget your nigga-coat.

Nigga-coat? What's that all about?

Well, the way I took it,

a man can live a very comfortable life

in a world that really didn't want him in the first place.

But ooh, let me tell you,

sooner or later you gotta go back home.

Back where you come from.

And you better be bringing your nigga-coat.

You know what I mean?

Floyd? Hi, welcome.

Wow, you're even cuter than your pictures.

Let's get you to set.

Good luck, young blood.

Don't forget your coat.

There he is.

You ready?

All right, man, do your thing.

I need you.

Floyd, you did it, man.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -