Original subtitles

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Oh. I can't afford not to.

Ah! Need eyes inside the vault, now!

Door one -- Open.

Door two -- Open.

Door three -- We got there.

The gold. All of the gold is gone!

Fort Knox has been robbed!

Holy shit.

All units. Paranormal perp outside the gates.

Intercept with extreme caution!

Agent Harrison, FBI.

And you're sure about this?

Of course. I'm on it.

What is it, Harrison? Not what, who.

Pull every file we have on leprechauns.

President Curtis. Damn. No shit.

Yeah, yeah. I'm on it.

Was that the Boring Police calling

because O'Doyle was taking forever to move?

I was just about to attack with my slug.

Your slug doesn't have the range, bro.

Will you nerds shut up? All the gold was robbed

from Fort Knox, and they caught one suspect.

A female leprechaun.

Orfhlaith O'Doyle.

Oh, shit, she might be related to you!

Oh, shit, she is.

Oh, shit, is that your mother?

Oh, come on! Obviously!

Oh, shit.

No alarm was triggered. The gold just vanished.

Your mother was caught outside the gates here.

No gold on her, either. It's almost like she --

Wanted to get caught? Obviously.

But why would she want to get caught?

Who gives a shit? If the world finds out

America's gold is gone,

it will trigger a global financial meltdown.

We need it back. Now.

Shoot her into the sun. What's that?

Shoot her into the sun.

You cannot trust a leprechaun, ever.

But you're half leprechaun.

I'm sorry, who are you?

The bureau's top leprechaun experts.

We kinda have a "will-they, won't-they" thing going on.

I got 50 bucks that says we will, and fast.

Oh, my god, Bilkin, shut up.

As for your mother, without evidence,

all we can do is hold her for questioning.

She'll never talk. But here's the thing --

Your mother said she'd confess. Only to you.

Perfect reason not to involve me.

That will be part of her plan.

I'm sorry, how the hell can one leprechaun

move 4,000 metric tons of gold?

Teleportation. We believe leprechauns

can trick matter into moving locations.

Ugh. Please. Lepro-portation is a parlor trick.

The most a leprechaun could ever move

is a condom out of a wallet.

I didn't rob you, dicks. I don't lie, and I don't trick.

Then why are you refusing to cooperate?

This is what I am talking about!

She's tangling us in her web.

Christ, O'Doyle, your mom isn't Lex Luthor.

Yes, she is.

Come on, man. You can't let your mom get to you like this.

You need to put that shit in a box and do the job.

I mean, it is true, O'Doyle. America needs its gold back.

You'll do it, right? You'll suck it up and do it?

That's my boy! See? Number one guy!

Watch. His mother's gonna be squealing.

I'm telling you, he's ice cold.

Door -- Open. Hooray.

Should be interesting.

We've never had a female leprechaun in custody.

I was skeptical they even existed.

I mean, they're never seen.

Well, I've never seen you cook,

but that doesn't mean you can't make me dinner.

Ooh, Harrison.

Alright. Everyone, arms out.

You will be sprayed with an anti-aura mist.

Us, too? We're not talking to her.

She can read auras through all possible barriers.

Both guards who transported her

ended up in the psychiatric ward.

You think a mist can stop her?

She is a miserable spider-witch.

O'Doyle. You can't let her see you get mad.

Just get that confession.

Open the door.

That's m'job.

Oh-ho-ho!

Francis, me boy.

Tell me, if ye died right now,

and the Lord himself stood before you and said,

"Ye may enter the kingdom of heaven

so long as ye tell me true --

what are ye, man or leprechaun?"

what would ye say?

Okay, where's the gold, mother?

Which gold?

You know which gold. Where did you put it?

Are you really so ashamed of your heritage, Francis?

Go on. Ask me the right way. I'll answer.

Where's...me gold?

Can we be done torturing me because I'm half-human?

Wasn't my entire childhood enough?

Oh, Francis, I treated ye the same as any leprechaun child.

You just think I treated you different

because you are different.

So many feelings!

Where is it, mother?

Oh, come on, now. They might not know about the gold,

but we do. Ay, boy? Our little secret.

Stop blinking.

Whatever you're doing is not gonna work.

But it already has.

Okay. No contact resuming now.

It was great working with ye, me boy!

What was that winking? Was she trying to be sexy?

You read that as sexy? She was blinking

in Gaelic Morse code. It translates to "CAHILL."

Her rival clan.

Why did your mother say you worked with her?

Because she's a lying mind worm!

None of you have any idea what you're dealing with here.

Oh, you're right about that.

Agent O'Doyle, you are now a person of interest.

We need to hold you for questioning.

What? Are you kidding me?

Because she said I worked with her?

Sir, come on.

You can't honestly side with my mother here.

She's such a mean asshole!

O'Doyle, just cooperate

so we can bust your mom and find this gold!

Cooperating got me into this!

Yeah, it's true, sir. He did tell us this would happen.

Okay, do we need to cuff you, or will you come willingly?

Can I at least take a shit first?

All this stress has my bowels in a knot.

I get it. I'm a nervous shitter, too. Pumpkin works for me.

Guard, please accompany him to the bathroom.

This is humiliating.

Cheese cuts both ways, pal.

Man. Unbelievable.

You don't think he's actually involved, do you?

How would I know? He's whining like a little diaper boy

while half a trillion is on the line.

We need focus, not emotion.

Until we find this gold, you're my number one guy, Banks.

Or, number one girl. Um, no, that sounds bad.

You're my number one guy, regardless of boobs or dicks.

Whatever. You get the idea.

I do. What is taking so long?

Did he fall in?

What the -- Stupid thing sucks.

No! Oh, goddammit!

He told us he had to shit.

Sir, I thought you said he didn't lie.

Oh, he didn't lie. Check the toilet.

Damn, he's good. I'm jealous. Look at that.

All units! We have a runner. I want everyone on this!

Go, go, go! Follow me!

Mm.

What the --

Sonnovabitch.

No, no, no, no, don't shoot! I'm by myself!

How the fuck did you find me? Bro, robot brain.

I calculated all possible trajectories from the river.

That led me here, and I just paid the lady up front

10 bucks to point out your spot. Goddammit, Judy.

So, you're here to turn me in? What? No.

You went into my mind and helped me, so I'm here to help you.

Go home, Banks. I will.

Once we get evidence and clear your name.

Now, where can we find the Cahill Clan?

I can't go where my mother wants.

Uh, you don't think this is what she wants?

You locked in a cage?

Taking handle pulls of ersatz whiskey like a teenage frat boy?

If you don't do something, she's already won.

I mean...the only way to get info from a leprechaun

is trickery. And I don't lie.

Well, you won't have to. We could Rainbow Connect.

What? A leprechaun mind-meld?

I can artificially compartmentalize.

The part of you that hates lying could be in me.

You don't want to hold the part of a leprechaun that lies.

Trust me. Buddy, I do trust you.

But you're not going to prove you're innocent

from your prepper den.

Uhp, hold on.

Wow. You went straight to baking cookies?

And you went straight to not getting one.

Wait, no, sorry, I want one.

Donny and Declan Cahill.

I, uh -- I guess dress for the job you want, huh?

All leprechauns wear green, Banks.

It's the shade of green that matters.

That's their clan color.

Puke? Summer Artichoke.

God, this is gonna suck.

The Cahills hate me almost as much as they hate my mother.

Well, if you all hate her, why not work together

to take her down? Leprechaun clans don't mix.

Each one operates under the thumb of a powerful matriarch.

In this case, Mary Marjorie Cahill.

What are you grinding over there?

Synchronic prisms.

Normally we'd both swallow one to connect.

But swallowing this would shred your colon,

so I made yours powder.

What the fuck!

Well, I had to get it in there deep.

Into your chakra.

You're gonna see what I see, feel what I feel.

Repeat after me.

Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.

Hok. Lok. Ba-gok.

Whoa! Ho. Mama. Yeah, I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling what you're feeling. Lie to me.

What? Use my mind,

let me compartmentalize that shame, fear, whatever.

We need to make sure it works.

I'm so glad you made me do this.

Haaaha! Holy fuck.

It's like a lightning bolt of sugar up my dick.

I can taste infinity.

It's working. I thought you hated lying.

Yeah. Because it feels incredible.

It's biologically addicting.

The more we lie, the more we want to lie.

Alright, I'm -- Going in. I know.

We're melded.

You're annoyed. You're even more annoyed

that I know you're annoyed.

I'm going in! You're going in!

Is that...?

Your brownest beer. Warm.

Only beer we have, only way we have it.

Well, if it ain't No-Lies O'Doyle!

Heard ye were working for the feds.

You wearing a wire, Doyley?

No, I'm not wearing a wire.

And the feds can go fuck themselves.

Oy, are ya Rainbow Connected?

- No. - Whoo!

Hot sugar, gasoline! Hit me with the lies!

Ripping and tearing!

Well, if ya ain't here to spy on us, why are ya here?

For a warm beer.

And to take down my mother.

She stole a lot of gold.

Tell me what you know, I'll split what I find with you.

Oy! Fellas! Babby O'Doyle's got a proposition for us!

Let's give him a warm welcome.

Hey, Doyley, remember how yeh refused to tell a lie,

even after yer mammy glued a dog mask to your head

and made you herd sheep for a week?

How 'bout when Doyley got caught dancin' in the moors?

Then Orfhlaith made him jig till his toes went bloody?

If you call that dancin'! Worst jig I ever seen!

Ho-kay, this is different. This is fire.

Deep knives. Oh, my god, I am jacked up!

Memories flooding back, eh, Doyley?

Can you believe he actually came here?!

Just like she said he would!

Wait, my mother?

Raah!! I'm not okay!!

Sweet Jesus! Get out!

Banks! The hell are you doing??

You didn't tell me about the rage!

Everyone has rage!

This is different! There's layer after layer.

You're like a lasagna of pain!

Did someone say lasagna?

Who is this giant-ass Garfield?!

A meglochaun. They're bred by the clan to be huge

for fighting. It's a trick they played on their own DNA.

Ow! Shit! I can feel the punches!

You were Rainbow Connected?

No-Lies, you told a lie?!

I'm not a bad dancer!

Raah!!

Declan. You're gonna tell me everything you know about the --

Oh, sweet Jesus. Is that your mother?

No, no, no, no. The body came with the place.

Oh, come on, Factua Root?

No, no, no. Please. I hate telling the truth!

Chew it. I don't want to!

There we go. Nummy tummy.

Now. If your queen's dead, how is this clan still operating?

Your mother! Christ, Doyley! Your mother's our queen!

What?! Our mom, Marjorie,

she was getting weak.

Orfhlaith made us an offer. Protection. Power.

You let her kill your own mother?

Oh, not just us. All the rivals.

She's uniting the clans, sonny.

Ya see, you get enough leps working together,

you can unlock powers.

How else do ya think we moved all that Fort Knox gold?

A Shaleelay? You actually did it?

I thought it was a myth, too, lad.

But she wanted to show you it's real.

Welcome you back home.

You didn't. Oh, ho, ho, but we did!

Ow!

Banks, we need to go, now!

Can I finish choking it out?

Okay, but make it quick.

Why aren't you opening it?

What are you, the door police?

I'm trying. It's hitting something.

So maybe stop pushing it.

Don't tell me what to do!

Goddammit. Goddammit.

Move, come on, move.

Oh, my god, I knew it! This is classic my mother!

We should remove the Rainbow Connection.

Yeah. Get out of my head.

God, your mom sucks.

Yeah. Did GunBaby see anything?

No, he's in his charging pen, thank god.

Gold would've crushed him if he was out here.

O'Doyle? Banks?

Shit. Are you serious?

I know you're in there.

You stole Finch's van, and I geotracked it here.

Dammit. Come in.

Stupid thing sucks.

Push harder. Use your shoulder.

Don't tell me what to do.

Wha-- Guys! What the fuck?! What is going on here?!

His mother united rival clans under her thrall

for the first time in centuries, and they combined powers

to do an ancient Shaleelay ritual

to teleport it into his townhouse.

Goddammit! That's insane!

Banks, I expect this from him, but not from you.

Oh, screw you, sir. I don't want your favoritism

if it means throwing O'Doyle under the bus.

You know what? I'm just gonna turn myself in.

Be done with all of this.

No! You can't turn yourself in.

You ran from the FBI. They'll never believe you were innocent!

Oh, now you care about my innocence?!

I had to lie today, and I liked it!

And I want to keep doing it! Thanks to you!

Oh, boo-hoo, you big baby.

You think this has been a "fun day" for me?

You're the big baby! You better be lying.

Hey! Hey, whoa. That's enough. Let's talk like adults.

O'Doyle, how does what the President said make you feel?

Betrayed! I told him to not involve me,

and he sided with strangers!

I sided with America!

It's not my fault your mother actually is Lex Luthor.

Sir, it's not your turn. Listen to O'Doyle

and acknowledge what you heard.

I heard, "Boo-hoo."

Well, I heard, "You're a terrible friend,"

because that's what you are!

Oh, take it back! Never!

Executive order! Abuse of power!

Oh, my god, are you guys serious?!

Jesus Christ.

Sir, say something nice about O'Doyle.

He's a good crier.

You better say something nice.

I dunno... he's loyal.

Mm-hmm. O'Doyle, say something nice about the President.

I don't -- He usually has my back.

So this was a time when you felt like he didn't?

Yes. Sir?

I'm sorry. Loud and proud.

I'm not repeating it. Okay, good enough.

You guys want to hug this out?

There we go. See? All on the same team.

Right. So -- Whatever this is, it's part of your mother's plan.

And the only way to beat her

is to do something insane and problematic.

We need to reverse-rob Fort Knox.

Reverse-rob? Sneak the gold back in.

Sir, how the hell are we gonna reverse-rob Fort Knox?

Well, Banks, I think we need to think a little smaller.

Goddammit, Finch, it still looks like a huge pile of gold!

Look, you gave me 30 minutes to build a shrinkalyzer.

I built it. I shrunk it.

I think this is a Finch grand slam.

Fort Knox has three biometric checkpoints.

How are we gonna sneak that giant-ass block past them?

- With this. - That better not be meth, Finch.

We assume you do it, but it's different when you see it.

Okay, I brought GunBaby out for the Shrink Show,

but things are clearly escalating.

Back to your charging pen, G.B.

Jesus Christ, it's not meth! It's hair,

from a Fort Knox janitor whose shift starts in one hour.

See, this hairalyzer extracts the person's DNA

and pops out a pill that lets you become them.

I'd like to see meth do that.

I mean, it could work. But we'll still need to

distract the guards long enough to get their hair samples.

I'll lie. And trick. Hell, I'm itching to do it.

Screw that. I'll do it.

I'm not letting my number one guy take the fall.

Whoo! Aah! Holy shit!

Skin burns a little, but I'm good!

The voice stays the same? How does that work?

You know, I'm getting a lot of notes for someone

who got woken up at 3:00 a.m. and is still crushing it.

Okay. I'm inside.

Looping security feeds now.

And no one dropped a purse, right?

That's how they got caught in "Speed."

The lady dropped her purse.

No one dropped a purse, sir. We're clear.

You ready, O'Doyle? No, sir.

Oh. Well, you look ready. I'm lying, sir.

I'm lying to you right now.

Oh, I don't like this.

Okay, first guard is around the corner.

His name is Larry, he's a foot guy,

and he's having an affair with a co-worker named Shelly.

I guess as the only female, we could use my foot?

But I'd have to -- Oh, goddammit.

Oh, Larry...

Shelly? I-I thought you had tonight off.

Oh, I've got tonight off, alright.

And so do my socks.

Hey, it ain't cheatin' if it's just feetin'.

Now should I pretend to be him and seduce Shelly?

Hell no.

Alright, access code is 8-0-0-8-1-3-5.

You could have just said BOOBIES.

I'm a grown-ass man. Sure you are.

Door one -- Open.

Guard #2, from his frequent social media posts,

appears to really hate clowns.

Then he's gonna love Mr. Bubbles.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

What the fuck?

I-I told my therapist this would happen! She said,

"What's the worst thing that could happen at work?"

and I said this! Fuck!

O'Doyle, breathe. Do your breath work.

Jesus, how do you guys walk around like this?

I don't know, Banks. Door two -- open.

O'Doyle! How do we walk around like this?

Goddammit, man. Oh, come on!

Damn, Shawn, you drunk again?

The craziest thing happened -- I-I split me'self in two.

Hi. Larry? The hell is going on?

I don't know, man. I'm not good at improv.

I want your face next.

Jesus Christ, O'Doyle. Too much.

Door three -- We got there.

Oh, thank god. Get me out of this fucking body.

Alright, enlargenating now.

Holy shit! We did it!

Reverse Heist complet-- Oh, oh, what the hell, man?

Gold...

Come on, buddy, put it down.

No! You're not gonna take me fucking gold!

I'm sorry. I-I can't control me'self!

I want it!

Come on, man. We did it.

The worst thing that could happen right now

is for you to lose yourself.

That's what your mother wants.

I hate her! I hate her, too,

but you can't let her win.

Francis, me boy.

Did ye miss me?

Ohh, there's me boy.

Your aura's fiery. Ya get that from your mother's side.

You see what you did to me?

To your own son?! How did it feel?

Takin' out some old rage on those Cahill Boys, huh?

I did what I had to do, which is my job.

I'm not letting you control me anymore!

Is that what you think this is?

No, no, no, Francis. I'm inviting you back, son.

To the clan, to power.

I killed 12 rival matriarchs.

Put their clans under me thumb.

Me robbing Fort Knox was just the beginning.

Actually, it's the end.

Wait... But yer me son.

I saw yer aura. You can't fake that!

Yeah, you can... by inviting other people in.

That's right, you deceptive fuck.

I Rainbow Connected with him.

I hate you as much as he does.

But it got us the truth.

And now you're going where liars go.

Orfhlaith O'Doyle. We got you on robbing Fort Knox

and 12 counts of leprocide.

But, me son. He has the gold. Check his townhouse!

We don't need to. All the gold is back in the vault.

What? But how? Excellent question.

Something you can think about on the way to The Triangle.

That, and if Harrison here could look any more beautiful.

Bilkin!

Cute it was, seeing you deceive!

Not half bad for a bastard.

You can't run from who you are!

Hey, fuck her. You're both my number one guys.

Agent O'Doyle, I can officially say

you are no longer a person of interest to the Bureau.

Guess we'll never know who wins that 50 bucks with you two, huh?

Oh, no, we had sex in the bathroom two hours ago.

It's a different bathroom than the one you shit in.

Wow. Wow.

Oh. Damn, I didn't take Bilkin as a closer.

Welcome to The Triangle!

My name's Warden Earhart.

I'm kind of a ghost, kind of a zombie,

but what I'm not is someone who's going to judge you

unless you give me a reason to.

So let's all play nice, alright, ya rabble-rousers?

Everything's in the shape of a triangle.

Enjoy the theme!

Look at this uncool person.

Oh, hello, boys.

Hey, what's that? If it's making you happy, I want it!

You want what?

Well, now I just want it more.

See, me boy,

I always believed in mind over matter.

Jesus Christ, man!

Fancy seeing you here, darling.

Orfhlaith? Been a long time, aye?

Heard ye exploded in some type of biplane accident,

but I know better than anyone, you're un-killable.

Which is why you're perfect for a little job I have.

♪ Leprechauns are matriarchal ♪

♪ Just like my butt ♪

♪ Wash that presidential butt-hole ♪

♪ Make it sparkle like a dime ♪

♪ I am singing

♪ So I feel less alone ♪

Oh, Larr-y-y-y...

No. No, not again!

Never again!

Ouch. Don't you cry, Shelly.

Don't you ever let them see you cry.