Original subtitles

Nash, that covers about everything. You have your instructions and your credentials.

Yes. They're all in here. I'd better get my tickets.

If Dr. Wong's invention is half as good as he claims,

the manufacturing rights will be worth millions.

The American Electric Company can't afford to lose out.

Yes, sir. No, sir.

I'm new in China. You had three years in the consular service.

You know the country, the language and the manner of doing business here.

That's why I'm sending you in my place.

Considering everything, I'm sure you'll represent the company better than I.

Well, I can die trying, sir. “Die“?

You're not sick, are you? Oh, no, sir.

Didn't I hear something about your being sick the day before your wedding?

Yeah. It-- It happened twice. That's why I didn't get married.

Carol-- Um, Miss Fortescue felt--

Well, you can imagine how she felt.

Yeah. You see--

Discouraged. Yes. So I resigned and went to America to the finest specialists.

Well, they get you all cleaned out all right?

Every nickel. That's fine.

Well, good-bye, Nash. Good-bye.

Sorry, madam. There are no trains to Wu-Hu.

You said that three or four times. I must get there.

It's very important for me. Money's no object.

Madam, if I owned the rail road, I'd give you a train.

But a bridge has washed out, and our engines can't swim.

- Wu-Hu. - I beg your pardon?

A compartment to Wu-Hu, please. Sorry. There's been an accident on the line.

Accident? Yes, sir.

Do you know whether Sir Mortimer Fortescue and his daughter--

Their train was the last one to get through, sir.

Oh, that's fine. It looks as though I'll have to try and make it in my car.

It's a hard, long trip, sir. Don't I know it.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Do you mind? Oh.

That's all right.

Aren't you the gentleman who's driving to Wu-Hu? Yes.

I'm most anxious to go myself.

I mean, wouldn't you take me along?

I'm afraid not. It's no trip for a girl.

Bad roads and the desert.

That sounds interesting. It isn't.

I couldn't take the responsibility.

I'll take the responsibility.

Pardon me just a moment.

You forgot to sign it. Sign it “American Electric Company.“

Couldn't you possibly take me with you?

Yes, but-- No.

Won't you change your mind? It's a 24-hour trip.

That's only a day. A day and-- and a night.

I'm not afraid of the dark. Are you?

No. I'm afraid of what might happen in it.

Whoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo.

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

Daily Mail' Wu-Hu!

Wu-Hu! Wu-Hu!

I haven't seen so many big shots since the peace conference.

That guy's invention must be plenty hot to drag us from all over the world like this.

How do you do? Who?

You, sir. How do you do?

You're Sir Mortimer Fortescue of Shanghai, are you not?

You're mistaken. I am.

- What is your opinion of Dr. Wong? - Wong?

The man you came here to see. See? About what?

About his invention. Oh, yes.

What is your opinion of his invention? Absolutely worthless.

The invention? No. My opinion.

Come on, Daddy.

Good afternoon, sir. Did you have a nice trip?

I always have a nice trip. You are--

General Nicholas Baronosky Petronovich.

Formerly of the Russian Imperial Guard.

At present, general manager of the Moscow Utilities Company.

Are you interested in Dr. Wong's new invention?

I am here to buy the rights for my company.

Who's that bird?

Must be Herr von Baden of the Berlin Lens and Optical Company.

Would you say a few words, please?

No, no, no, no. No, no. In English, please.

In German or in English-- out of the way! I have business.

Skittish. Very skittish.

Yeah, and just a wee bit squirrelly too.

Dr. Bums! Dr. Bums!

Dr. Burns!

Man inside, him very sick.

I take you.

What's the matter? Oh, Doctor, I'm sick.

I cannot “up-standing“ straight. You can't what?

I cannot up-standing straight. Well, let me see.

Uh-- Oh, look. Your--

Look. Your vest is buttoned to your trousers.

Ah!

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Ah! Thank you.

This is the hotel manager.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wong, I have a telegram for you.

I'm afraid I have a short circuit in my transformer.

That's very unfortunate, I'm sure.

But, uh, how about this telegram?

Ah, right. There is a short circuit. Oh, were you saying something?

Why, yes. I have a short circuit-- Huh?

I mean, I have a telegram for you. Read it, please.

“Leaving Shanghai to negotiate blonde on desert,

“but will not take responsibility.

“Hold everything.

Signed, American Electric Company.“ Ah. The American representative.

Is, uh, the telegram quite clear to you, Doctor?

Quite, quite. Clever people, these Americans.

Always combining business with pleasure.

Oh, uh, General Petronovich requested me to, uh,

arrange an interview with you this afternoon.

I will see no one until the arrival of the American representative.

Well, I hope he'll be here in time for your demonstration.

Thank you. And now...

you will be the first to witness the wonders of my radioscope.

Uh, pull those curtains, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor, this is positively thrilling.

I'm gooseflesh all over.

What are you going to show me, Doctor?

The six-day bicycle race in New York City.

Watch closely.

♪ But wait till tomorrow 'ere you take-- ♪ ♪

Not quite synchronized.

Seems rather, uh, mixed-up.

Yes.

That moo went with the cow.

I believe that is the customary procedure.

Professor Henry R. Quail takes off from Juarez, Mexico,

on a secret mission, combining business with pleasure.

Delicious. 200 pesos.

Charge it.

I wonder if the professor can get off the ground with that load.

Now I will get you the six-day bicycle race.

If the doctor will permit, a little later perhaps.

Oh, at your pleasure. It will be going on for six days.

Good afternoon, Doctor. Good afternoon.

Oh, hello. Come here.

Say, who's that?

“Who is that?“ That's the manager of the ho--

Well, you wouldn't know. What difference does it make?

Good afternoon, Doctor. Good afternoon.

I have an invitation for you. Oh, thank you.

Dr. Wong is going to show his radioscope on the roofgarden tonight.

Thank you very much. Oh, goody!

“Goody“? You're not invited. Oh, that's too bad, Doctor, because you would've enjoyed it.

Listen, I've had enough of this. I've got a good mind to get a different nurse.

No, no. Don't do that, Doctor. This one is different enough.

Well, then you talk to her. Thanks.

Do you know, you're very smart.

Yes, I know. To what do you attribute your smartness?

Uh, three things. Three things? Oh.

First, my very good memory. Mm.

And the other two things, um, uh--

I forgot.

Look, uh, let me talk to her. Thanks.

What the manager would like to know is, did you ever go to school?

Oh, yes, I did. Well, what school did you go to?

I'm not allowed to tell. You're not allowed to tell?

The school pays me $25 a week not to tell.

You take her. Thanks.

Did, um-- Did you ever read any books?

Oh, of course I did.

Did you ever read any books by Kipling?

No. No, I never read any of his books. I like his herring though.

Mm-hmm. Uh--

This one is on me.

You like Kipling's herring? Yes.

Sometime when you have nothing to do, you must read some of Dill's pickles.

You'd like that too. Oh, yeah?Well, I'll get it.

Get that. This Monday, a new pickle is coming out with a blue cover.

Oh. yeah? A mystery. huh?

If you don't mind.

Well.

Uh, this one in on the house.

You know, something must have happened to you when you were a baby.

No. No, nothing happened to me, but something happened to my brother when he was a baby.

Oh, to your brother. Yes. My father took him for a stroll in the carriage.

But when my father came home, he had a different baby in a different carriage.

Different baby in a different carriage. Yes.

What did your mother say? Oh, she didn't say anything, because it was a better carriage.

Oh. Uh-- I'm coming.

A better carriage, huh?

Yes. And the baby my father brought home was a little French baby. A little French baby.

Yes, so my mother took up French. Took up French.

Yes. To be able to understand the baby...

when it started to talk. When it started to talk. Yes.

Both Humming]

Oh, they're crazy people.

What about these eggs?

What about the eggs?

Well, what about the eggs?

Are they finished?

They're finished. Try it again.

Listen, when you invited me to ride-- Pardon me. You invited yourself.

You told me we could cross this moth-eaten desert in 24 hours.

I told you we could if we got a break.

You got a break-- miles away from everywhere.

And you spend half the night feeling around in the dark for nuts and bolts.

Aw, fry an egg.

Take your dirty hands off my lingerie.

I'll take care of this.

You start the engine, and hurry.

What's your tearing hurry to get to Wu-Hu?

Business. Business?

Dr. Wong's invention is going to make millionaires, and I intend doing the same.

You mean you're gonna marry a millionaire?

I never marry anything else. Will you hurry?

Say, if my girl ever finds out I spent a night on the desert with another girl--

Oh, don't tell her. She might think you're having a good time.

“Good time.“ Lady, I wouldn't enjoy a minute of this trip...

even if you were Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

I am Peggy Hopkins Joyce. Huh?

This is as far as we go. That's good news.

I hope you had a nice trip. Mmm.

I hope there's a chiropractor in the hotel.

Where's a garage? Down there.

You catching nice A-number-one wife, mister.

You catch 'um suitcase and do A-number-one scram.

There are twin beds in the room at present.

Shall I have one of them removed?

Remove both of them. Both?

I prefer a double bed. Don't you?

So! Nicky.

Your husband. No husbands at present. We're divorced.

Didn't I get a divorce from you in Paris?

Ah! That means nothing.

In my country, you're still my wife.

Oh, Nicky, darling, don't go dramatic on me.

Everything is finished. Never.

Any man that comes between us,

he will be finished.

Undoubtedly, General.

I delivered your message to Dr. Wong. Well?

He will talk to no one about the radioscope until after the arrival of the American representative.

Nicky, are you interested in the radioscope?

Interested? I'm going to buy it.

It will make millions for me. Millions?

Oh, Nicky, darling.

Do you wish to go to your room now, Miss Joyce? Yes, thank you.

Come along, Nicky, dear.

Card. Tommy.

You've come back. I missed you every hour I was gone.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Well, I'm here, and you're here, and here we are.

It's wonderful. Marvelous.

No, it isn't. It's disgusting.

Carol. Carol.

What's the matter? Ever since that day you left me waiting at the church--

But I had the mumps. Yes. And the other time.

You had, what was it? The chicken pox.

A grown man like you always breaking out in children's diseases.

But, Carol, that's all over now.

I visited the finest specialists in the United States.

I've been examined, x-rayed, violet-rayed and inoculated.

I'm 100% perfect and immune to everything.

Tommy. I got the papers to prove it-- inoculation affidavits.

Oh, Tommy, I'm so happy. Heh.

Excusing, please, master. Your number-one wife,

she going topside with another one man. Shh.

Your wife? Mm, it's a mistake.

She means the girl I-- I traveled with.

You traveled with a girl? Yes, but we're not married.

Not married? Now, darling, you're wrong.

It was all purely... platonic.

Well, who is she? What's her name? Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

And you were perfectly platonic with Peggy Hopkins Joyce.

Now, dar-- Wait.

Who's there?

It-it's me. Um, Tommy Nash.

Oh, come in, dear.

Oh, hello. Come and sit down.

Um, Miss Joyce, this is Carol Fortescue,

the girl I told you about.

I'm afraid I'm intruding. Oh, not at all.

How do you do? How do you do?

Um, Miss Joyce, will you tell Carol...

that practically the only thing we did on the desert was... fight?

Oh, so that's it. Come and sit down, won't you?

Tommy's a very nice boy. I only annoyed him.

He loves you very much. Why, thank you.

Missy, him belong you?

Oh, Tommy, they must be yours.

Uh, yes.

That's funny. Very.

Oh, Tommy.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

I packed these by mistake this morning in the desert.

Why, we must have got our shorts tangled up.

I I mean--

Missy, you want me washee?

I can tell you exactly what happened.

Don't trouble. I can imagine.

Now, Carol-- “Purely platonic.“

You're gonna have to do something about this.

I'll do my best, Tommy. Yeah. Carol!

Carol. Carol.

Carol, darling. I love you.

It was her suggestion.

Why, I kept thinking of you all the time.

Why, she can't even cook.

Yes, really, this is Dr. Burns's office.

No, the doctor isn't in just now.

Oh, he won't be back for a long, long time.

He went out on one of those “eternity“ cases.

Yeah, all right.

Any calls for me while I was out, Miss Allen?

Oh, yes, Doctor. My cousin just phoned.

He wants you to come right over. He fell off an ironing board.

Your cousin fell off an ironing board? Yeah. He was pressing his pants, and he forgot to take 'em off.

Read your paper and don't annoy me, Miss Allen.

Uh, have you seen my stethoscope?

Oh, not now, Doctor. I'll look at it later. You'll look at it later?

Yeah. Doctor, what's the difference between a helicopter and an autogyro?

I don't know. You can't play a helicopter.

You can't? Well, that certainly is a surprise to me.

I knew it would be. What are you reading?

I'm reading about this Professor Quail.

You know, he “flown“ the ocean. He what?

He flown the ocean. No, no, no. He didn't flown.

You wouldn't say he has flew? He has flu?

You could never tell it by this picture.

Look. He has great big, fat cheeks-- Listen, Miss Allen, don't annoy me.

I know, but, look, he has big-- Stop.

I have a very important appendicitis case on my mind.

Oh, yeah? My brother had appendicitis.

It left a very bad scar on his neck.

Appendicitis on the neck? Yeah.

Appendicitis is on the stomach. Yeah, I know.

But he was so ticklish, they had to operate up there.

Yes, I see what you mean. Couldn't take it. He'd have died laughing.

Yes. We're glad anyhow he went to the hospital.

Now there's more room for the old woman.

Your mother, I guess? No, no. The old woman who's been living with us for five weeks.

Your aunt? No. We don't even know her.

Oh. A strange old woman lives in your house, and nobody knows her.

Yeah. My brother won her at a raffle.

Your brother won an old woman at a raffle?

Yeah. They ran a raffle for a poor old woman. And he won.

And he won. I see.

You certainly have a lot of fun home. You people live like fools.

Yeah. You know what happened last night? What?

Last night, in the middle of the night, my cousin woke up and gave out a big scream.

Something happened, and she screamed right out, huh?

She looked down at her legs, and they were all black.

Her legs turned black? Yeah.

What did you do? What did we do? We sent for a doctor, of course.

You sent for a doctor? Of course.

Well, what did the doctor do?

Well, he took off her stockings, and then we all went to sleep again.

Ah.

Listen, Miss Allen. You're sitting on my stethoscope.

Yeah-- Oh, Doctor.

Well, what are you doing?

Oh, Doctor, I can hear my heartbeat.

Yeah-- Ooh!

Carol!

You've got to listen to me.

No, I don't. Miss Joyce has explained everything to me.

Sweetheart. Oh.

Let's get married today, right away.

Won't you get sick again? Oh, there's not a chance of that.

I'm immune. I've got papers that prove it. Never mind, dear.

Tommy, your cheek. What's the matter?

It's burning. Oh, I'm just excited.

And your hands, they're cold.

Oh, Tommy, you're not going to get sick again?

Aw, not a chance. I have papers that--

Pardon me, but I happen to be the house physician.

Well, I have papers that prove-- I know, I know. Let me see your tongue.

Um, say “Ah.“ Aw--

No, no. Not “Aw.“ Say “Ah.“

Ah. Mm. I thought so.

Aw, now listen, Doctor. I've got-- I know. Measles young man. Measles.

I'll get my nurse. Miss Allen. Miss Allen.

Miss Allen. Miss Allen. Yes?

There's a man outside with a rash. With a rash? Is it this year's model?

With freewheeling and floating power?

Or is it last year's-- No. It's a coupé. You know what a coupé is.

Oh, sure. My father's got one. Only he parts his in the middle.

He parts a cou-- There's a man outside with a rash in the rotunda.

Well, it certainly takes all kinds of people to make a world.

Don't you think so? I think so.

Measles! I had them when I was three years old.

It can't be the measles. I'm immune. You're impossible.

Now, Carol-- Miss Allen, this is the patient.

Undress him and put him to bed. Oh, Doctor.

But, Doctor, I can't go to bed. I'm not married yet.

Undress him and put him to bed. Oh, at his age.

- Listen. - Carol, sweetheart--

Tommy, don't you see? We'll never be married.

You-- You just can't stand the strain.

But, Carol, I can-- Come here. Take him.

Listen-- Oh, I love to hear of people getting married.

You know, I had a wire from my sister today.

She has a brand-new little baby.

She's married, you know. She's married.

Yeah. Oh. Is it a little girl or a boy?

Well, I don't know yet, and I'm dying to find out whether I'm an uncle or an aunt.

Hey. Hey, listen, Doctor. You've got my hat.

Nash-- the American representative.

Serge, I have an idea.

Where is the office of the health inspector?

Are we going to talk to him? I myself will talk to him.

This American has a contagious disease,

so Inspector Sun should be notified at once.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your pleasure, we will present our dancing girls,

who will give you pleasure in a novelty number,

which I hope will give you pleasure.

♪ She was a China teacup ♪

♪ And he was a coffee mug ♪

♪ When he would see that teacup it gave his heart a tug ♪

♪ She was a-way above him high up on another shelf ♪

♪ Still, he was sure she'd love him if he declared himself ♪

♪ So, one day on the table he was at her side by chance ♪

♪ He seized this opportunity to start his big romance ♪

♪ But when he began to speak up she gave him a nasty shrug ♪

♪ For she was a China teacup and he was just a mug ♪

♪ The kettle on the hearth would sing to him ♪ '

♪ A swoon y little spoon would ding to him ♪

♪ A napkin even offered her ring to him ♪

♪ But none of these girls meant a thing to him ♪

♪ A sugar bowl, sweetest little soul wanted to console him ♪

♪ Bu! he was set on just one goal and no one could control him ♪

♪ There was a saucy saucer who met him at every meal ♪

♪ She was a torso tosser with lots of sex appeal ♪

♪ Our handsome hero spurned their love They could not make him stir ♪

♪ Although they had the kind of charm that gentlemen prefer ♪

♪ So all through the day, he'd peek up at somebody proud and smug ♪

♪ She was a China teacup and he was just a mug ♪ ♪

Oh, there's Peggy Joyce.

Peggy Joyce has-- Peggy Joyce-

I can materialize anything anywhere at any time.

The radiosco-

The radioscope needs no broadcast station,

and no-- no carrier waves are necessary.

It is-- No electrical transmission is--

Goodness! Well! Uh!

Hello below!

Is this Kansas City, Kansas, or Kansas City, Missouri?

Hey! Where am I?

- Wu-Hu! - Whoo-hoo to you, sweetheart.

- Hey, Charlie. Where am I? - Wu-Hu!

Don't let the posy fool ya.

Where am I?

This is a roofgarden at the International House.

Never mind the details. What town is it?

This is Wu-Hu, China.

- Then what am I doing here? - Well, how should I know?

Well, what is Wu-Hu doing where Kansas City ought to be?

Maybe you're lost.

Kansas City is lost. I am here.

Turn on those lights!

Turn on the lights! Give us li--

Now can you see anything?

Practically everything.

Honored visitor, I welcome you.

I was afraid you might not arrive.

Here too. I ran out of the last bottle of beer just a minute ago.

Now that you are here, honored American representative,

will you deign to accept my unworthy hospitality?

Make mine a small beer.

Where will we park it, sweets? Over here.

Why do you wear a silk hat?

Lends dignity, my beauty. It lends dignity.

Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, my presence here is due to a slight error in navigation.

I took the needle off my compass to darn a pair of socks.

Since that time, I've been flying completely by ear.

Waiter. For goodness sake.

Well, sweet buttercup-

Now that I'm here and see what's to be had,

I shall dally in the valley.

And believe me, I can dally.

Oh. Not dally? You mean deli?

Dally. No, it's deli. Look.

♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o the farmer in the deli ♪ ♪ It's deli.

What's the penalty for murder in China?

Oh, now, don't tell me. Let me think of the answer.

Um-- Stop it. Stop it. What's on your mind?

Well, Dr. Burns says there's a bone pressing on my brain.

But it doesn't bother me. Really. Doesn't bother her. Daffy.

Oh, that one goes, “Daffy down dilly, bats in the belfry, ding-dong.“

Now ask me another one.

Oh, Professor, before you go to sleep, will you write me your autograph?

I'd like to write your epitaph.

And th--

There. Yeah. Oh, I can't see it.

How unfortunate.

You can see it now, can't you?

Oh, look! Professor Quail, you forgot to cross the

You're a silly man.

That wren's cuckoo.

Good gracious! Water.

Pardon me.

I was afraid that might be my husband.

Husband? Divorced.

Oh, then you're in a position to listen to a proposal.

Allow me to offer my congratulations.

Dr. Wong, Professor Quail.

Oh. How, chief.

Won't you join me in a glass of wine?

You get in first, and, if there's room enough, I'll join you.

- Ladies and gentlemen-- - I'll take a bottle of beer.

I have a very unpleasant announcement to make.

One of our guests, Mr. Thomas Nash, is ill.

And Inspector Sun, the local health official,

has seen fit to declare a quarantine.

No one will be permitted to enter or leave the hotel until further notice.

just a moment, please.

Due to this unexpected situation,

I shall postpone the demonstration of my radioscope...

until 10:00 this evening in my suite.

I've got to get to Hang Kong in the morning.

Hadn't you better notify the consulate in Shanghai?

By jove, the consulate. Of course.

Professor, aren't you going to register?

Yes. Where are you going to sleep tonight?

I'm going to sleep on my right side with my mouth open.

Wide open.

I always sleep on my stomach.

Don't you find it gets all wrinkled?

Most amusing. Uh, if you can't get a room,

will you share the hospitality of my apartment?

Thanks. Do I hear any other offers?

Here's your chance to have a laugh on every other girl in the world.

Okay, sold to the gentleman with the wrinkled stomach.

Well, I must get my portmanteau.

Oh! Remarkable!

But why? Why carry an automobile in an airplane?

For side trips. Besides, the lighter in the plane would never work.

So I bought this.

Gangway, please. Gangway! Come on there.

I've got to register.

Are you there?

What kind of a trap is this?

Looks like a Chinese noodle swamp.

Oh! Please!

Hey, what kind of a hotel is this?

Quarantine, foreigners, scratchy fountain pens.

How am I gonna register?

I'm the manager of this hotel. I wouldn't brag about it if I were you.

-- We have no more rooms. The place is filled to capacity.

Then where am I gonna sleep on my right side?

I would suggest that you get in that windmill of yours and depart.

Is it possible that I am not wanted in this flop joint? Undoubtedly.

Gangway! Please!

No rooms, hey? No.

Oh!

There you are. You brought it on yourself. You see?

Oh! Young man, if you're not very careful,

you're gonna lose my trade.

Uncouth person.

Manager! Manager! Yes, yes, yes, yes

I have been unconnected. Get me Berlin.

Oh, yes, yes. Mr. Brown? Yes, sir.

Get the house electrician. No, get Berlin.

Uh, Mr. Brown, no, no, no. Get Berlin. I can't get Berlin.

Get Berlin! Get Germany! I can't get Berlin.

Oh, get me a cup of tea. Yes, sir.

I'll be a nervous wreck before this day is-- is over. I have never--

448. 518.Seven--

“Dear Mother, having a gorgeous time.“ Oh, my. What am I doing?

Wait! Wait! Come back! I've gotta get in touch with Dr. Wong, and the phone's dead.

All phones dead. Now, he's expecting me. l-l've got to get word to him.

No can do. You're outta your head. Aw!

Go back to bed. All right.

Hey! Hey! Now, look here!

Listen here, will ya?

I must go in. My wife! My business! No one can enter.

You were only supposed to quarantine one room, not the entire hotel.

Whole hotel is quarantined. Where I'm going to sleep?

The Lotus Garden is not quarantined.

That's a horrible place. Terrible.

And he was wearing a tall silk hat and carrying a cane.

That's the man. The professor.

He opened every door on my floor, and I insist upon something being done about it.

You are quite right. Front! Front! Front, upstairs.

Oh, Mr. Brown. Order me some tea. Yes, sir.

Just so, just so, just so.

What won't they think of next?

It is now exactly 10:15, Chinese Standard Time.

10:14. Correction, 10:14.

You will now hear Ah-Fui and his manly mandarin.

This is station PI, the voice of Long Tong.

The voice of Long Tong signing off. Goodnight.

Oh, it's you. What's your idea of bleating in my room that way?

Your room? Yes, my room.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, arousing the entire hotel?

Miss Joyce.

There you are, you see? Now one of us has gotta get out.

Will you hurry?

I don't know how you got in here in the first place.

Miss Joyce. Miss Joyce, are you quite safe?

Just a minute, please.

When the excitement dies down, I'll be right back, my little calliope.

Don't forget. Tap on the window as soon as the chumps leave.

Can't hit a moving target, eh? Gosh, what a shock.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the six-day bicycle race.

My friend, your clothes.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah.

That's the trouble of dressing on a dark fire escape.

The lights.

Well, Budd, I see you're still in the same old fog.

Success at last.

Huh? What's that?

Don't you know what that is? That's my new directional alarm clock.

You see, I turn the bell this way, and it wakes me up.

And I turn it that way, and it wakes you up.

This is my patented revolving goldfish bowl.

Does, uh-- How does that work? Well, you put this thing on here like that, you see?

That's for tired goldfish. The bow! revolves, so the fish doesn't have to swim.

That's peachy. No, Stoopnocracy is peachy.

The one-and-only Rudy Vallee, singing his latest song hit to his first love.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ My heart and I are bidding you good night♪

♪ I love you and because you love me too ♪

♪ I pray and say thank heaven for you ♪

♪ I'll dream ♪

♪ And you will be in everything I dream ♪

♪ The way you are in everything I do ♪

♪ That's why I say thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own Just I alone;

♪ Caress you with tender fingertips ♪

♪ When you are near true and sincere ♪

♪ You bring a song to my lips ♪

♪ So rest ♪

♪ And if my prayers are answered you'll be blessed ♪

♪ And I'll be blessed each night my whole life through ♪

♪ And so I say thank heaven for you ♪

♪ You are my own Just I alone ♪

♪ ♪ They're stupefied.

They're roasted.

♪ You bring a song to my heart ♪

How long's this dog fight been going on?

Don't interrupt my number. Hold your tongue and sit down.

Hold your breath and lie down, you howling hyena. ♪ ♪

♪ And so I say ♪ You insist?

♪ Thank heaven for you ♪ ♪

My screen!

Not a wink of sleep all night. Every time I closed my eyes, that pounding and cursing started.

General Petronovich was locked out.

There is no use lying. I, myself, through the window, saw everything.

Everything? What do you mean, Nicky?

Oh, he's not with me now.

These American millionaires, they think money can buy anything.

Nicky, did you say he's a millionaire?

He is?

I will take his throat in my hands...

and I will squeeze and break--

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Aw, shut up.

You'll get swayback sleeping that way.

Hey, “garçon? Bring me a drink.

Water, sir? A little on the side.

Very little.

Did you get your magic lantern fixed last night after the navy sailed through it?

It was quite simple. I merely inserted a new tube.

Good idea. Ah, breakfast.

Hello. Hello.

Send me up a bird's nest and a couple of 100-year-old eggs boiled in perfume.

- Good morning, Professor. - Oh, is that you, my little chrysan--

Chrysyanth-- Uh, my little hollyhock?

- How are you feeling? - I feel like a million dollars.

Excuse me.

I'm getting rather bored here. Aren't you?

Why don't we leave... together? In your autogyro.

Okay. I'll be right down as soon as I take off these pajamas.

Wongy, you old silkworm, you're on your own. I'm leaving.

Surely not before you offer a bid for the radioscope.

Bid?

You're representing the American Electric Company?

Never heard of them.

Ah.

Thank you.

You may inform the visiting representatives...

that I will accept sealed bids from them today. Yes, master.

It is the law. I tell you, Inspector. I haven't got the measles.

The truth is I'm not sick at all. I feel well. I eat well.

And you sleep well. I sleep well.

I said that. You've said too much.

I didn't say too much. I just said you sleep well.

Yeah. I don't feel like dancing, Mr. Nash.

Well, big and little casino in the same trick.

Your play.

Yes, play a card. What card?

Why is it that everything always happens to me?

Oh, hello, Doctor. Oh, hello. How'; the patient?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you. How are you, Doctor?

No, no. How is the patient? How is the patient?

Now, isn't that funny? it's sounds just like you're saying, “How is the patient?”

- Play a card. - Oh, cards.

Oh, I know a wonderful trick.

Now, may l borrow your handkerchief?

Oh, you'll love this trick. Is this a good trick?

Oh, sure. My brother showed me this trick. Oh, your brother.

Yes. Which one, the half-wit?

No, the older one. Oh, the big fella, yeah.

Yeah. Now, may I borrow your scissors?

I'm sorry.

Well, that's the finish of that. Look-- No, I have a surprise for you.

I have a scissors. I was expecting that too.

Take that, Doctor. Now, will you cut right through the center?

Wait a minute. Now don't be afraid.

I know what I'm doing. Cut.

Cut right through the center. Yes.

Well, just so you know what you're doing.

Here you go. Yeah. Now.

This, um-- Uh, th--

Oh, I wish my brother was here.

Th-- Oh, can you imagine?

I did it wrong. Come here. Come here.

And now the six-day bicycle race.

We will now hear Baby Rose Marie, one of radio's youngest and hottest entertainers.

Oh, June is here and skies are clear

♪ And bright ♪

♪ Not for me for I don't see ♪

♪ The light ♪

♪ To me the music of the birds in the trees ♪

♪ Doesn't mean anything ♪

♪ I'm so low that I don't know ♪

♪ It's spring ♪

♪ I heard a bluebird singin' one day♪

♪ He seemed the messenger of happy news ♪

♪ He filled the air above with a song of love ♪

♪ And I'm the river singin' the blues ♪

♪ A pair of blue eyes wandered my way ♪

♪ And how was I to know I'd love and lose ♪

♪ But now my bluebird's nest is a blackbirds rest ♪

♪ And my bluebird's singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone changed his mind ♪

;And my bluebird changed his tune ♪

♪ All my blue skies seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance was a song and dance ♪

♪ And my bluebird's singin' the blues ♪

♪ I was a dumb one Love was blind ♪

♪ Or maybe I should blame it on the moon ♪

♪ A certain someone changed his mind ♪

♪ And my bluebird changed his tune ♪

♪ And my blue skies seem to be gray ♪

♪ And I packed away my dancing shoes ♪

♪ Because my big romance was a song and dance ♪

♪ That's why my ♪

♪ Bluebird is singing ♪

♪ The blues ♪ ♪

Splendid. Quite amusing.

I shall be the first to present a bid for the rights.

You are the last. The other representatives have all submitted sealed bids.

We will batter down the doors.

And the more resistance you encounter, the more money I will pay you.

Shh!

Once we're in the hotel, I will kill...

that loose-living American jackal scoundrel.

Come on.

I beg your pardon. I don't think I've had the pleasure--

Nash. Tommy Nash, representing the American Electric Company.

Welcome, my friend. What detained you?

It's a sad story, Doctor. Am I too late to submit a bid?

Not at all. But first, don't you want a demonstration?

Great.

Now with a hi-dee-hi and a ho-dee-ho,

Cab Calloway and His Harlem Maniacs...

present a flaming bit of heated Harlem harmony.

Why, what's the matter with this cat here? He's high.

What do you mean he's high? Full of weed.

Full of weed? Yeah.

Who is this cat anyway? That's the reefer man.

The reefer man? Yeah.

Why, look at that dog. He looks like he's losing his mind.

He done lost his mind. Done lost his mind?

Yeah. Come on. Let's get away from here then.

♪ Have you ever met that funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he says he swam to China wants to sell you South Carolina ♪

♪ Then you know you're talking to that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Have you ever met that funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ If he trades you dimes for nickels he says watermelons are pickles ♪

♪ You know you're talking to that reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, have you ever met that funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ Oh, that funny, funny funny reefer man ♪ ♪ Reefer man ♪

♪ He smokes a reefer, he gets high then he flies to the sky ♪

♪ That funny, funny funny reefer man ♪ ♪

Take your time, son. Take your time now.

Pat that thing slightly, lightly and politely.

Why, that cat's still high. Yeah, man.

It's wonderful.

Inspector Sun, how-- how is the patient?

Uh, hello. No, I can't see you now. Uh-- Uh-- Oh.

Oh, get out. Get out. How's the-- the patient?

Perfectly well. He has nothing but harmless rash.

Uh-- Nothing but a harmless rash?

Then I suppose the quarantine will be lifted?

At once. You may open the doors.

Open the doors? That's fine. Now we'll have a little peace and quiet.

I wanted your company to have my invention all along. I am so happy.

Ah, maybe you think I'm not, Doctor.

And now we shall see the six-day bicycle race.

Ah! I've got it!

We are now signing off at the end of a six-day bicycle race.

Oh, it is too late.

Open the doors.

Please! Please! Is this anyway to enter a first-class hotel?

Has Dr. Wong sold the rights to his machine to anyone?

I don't know, and I don't care! But I care!

If anyone has bought it, he shall not leave with it.

No one can double-cross Petronovich. Yes.

Cover all the exits, men. Allow no one to leave.

♪ Yeah, all lies, love ♪ ♪

I'll wire you where to send the luggage.

Here, missy. Thank you.

Ah, your car is waiting, my luscious little lollipop.

Smart idea of yours. The only kind I have.

When I was shooting sheep in the Himalayas--

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Drat those 100-year-old eggs.

Well, my little Laplander, we must be shooting along now.

You're looking wonderful.

Gorgeous.

Ravishing. Beautiful.

Stunning. Stunning.

I'm sitting on something. I lost mine in the stock market.

Oh.

What's that? Sounds like a body squeak.

It does? I got it. Here it is here.

What are you doing? Uh, one of the nuts are loose, dear.

What did you say? One of the nuts.

The what? The nuts.

What? Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!

Oh, don't lose your temper about it.

I'm not losing my temper, my little fuzzy wish-wash.

I'm merely telling you one of the nuts are loose.

We shan't be long now.

What are you feeling about for? The button. The starter button.

Oh. Yes, here. We have it here.

Comfortable little car, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

Huh? I hadn't figured on that.

This car used to belong to the postmaster general.

Ah, here we are now. Here we go.

Shan't be long now, my little fuzzy fuchsia.

Here we are, my ravishing little pineapple.

That wiggle of yours is becoming marvelous.

I tell you. I'm sitting on something.

You're sitting on something?

Where are you, my little Mexican jumping bean? Where are you?

I'm up here in the fresh air. Come on up.

Somethings under me. What is it? I don't know.

I'll go down and investigate.

Ooh! Upsy-daisy.

Ah, it's a pussy. Oh, the poor thing.

Worry not, my little titmouse.

He still has eight more lives to go.

There you are, pussy. Run away now. [Petronovich Ahai!

Hello. Have you a match?

Oh, I guess you haven't one. Okay.

Nicky! What have you been doing?

Uh-oh. Why, the professor's been entertaining me.

Hmm, darling, my little scanty-panty, your skirt.

Oh!

Gangway, please. Gangway!

Downstairs! Downstairs!

Come on. I've gotta get outta here. We're going to Shanghai. Tommy!

We're gonna be married. But how can we?

Professor Quail, contract for radioscope. Tell you all about it.

So, you wanna play, hey?

Whoo-hoo!

This is the worst experience I've ever--

I fooled ya that time, didn't I?

- Hey! Hey, Professor! - I'll show you!

Young man, you've saved my life. Now what can I do for you?

Take us to Shanghai.

I'll drop you there on my way to Kansas City.

Come on, Professor! Come on!

Press the button! Press the button!

I'm sitting on something.

What, again? Yes.

I tell you. I'm sitting on something.

Get up, my little cupcake.

I wonder what their parents were.

Careless, my little nut cake. Careless.

Whoo-hoo!