All language subtitles for Wife vs. Secretary (1956)

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

IS IT A GOOD MORNING,
PATRICK?

YOU SAID IT, FENGAL.

YOU HAVEN'�T WAKENED
MR. SIMPSON YET?

THEIR BREAKFAST'�S
ON THE HOT PLATES.

Man: COME IN.

I'�M SORRY,
MR. SIMPSON.

Simpson: TAGGART,
YOU'�RE LATE.

Taggart: I KNOW,
MR. SIMPSON. MY ALARM CLOCK.

GET A NEW ONE.

YOU MIGHT HAVE KNOWN
I'�D HAVE A FULL DAY TODAY.

WHO WON THE BOXING MATCH
LAST NIGHT?

ROSENBLAT,
IN THE THIRD ROUND.

Simpson:
OH, WHAT A PITY!

NOW I OWE FINNEY
$3.00.

Man: COME IN.

I'�M VERY SORRY,
MR. STANHOPE.

Stanhope: SIMPSON,
YOU'�RE LATE.

YES, SIR. MOST
CARELESS OF ME,

AND ON
THE FIRST MORNING

AFTER
YOUR VACATION, TOO.

FORGET IT. SAY,
WHO WON THE FIGHT?

ROSENBLAT,
IN THE THIRD ROUND.

HE DID?
I OWE FINNEY A NIGHT OFF.

WELL, WITH YOUR NIGHT
OFF AND MY $3.00,

FINNEY SHOULD DO
VERY WELL, SIR.

YOU, TOO, EH? MAYBE WE
SHOULD GET RID OF FINNEY.

THE, UH, PAPER, SIR?

OH, YES, YES.

WHAT ABOUT THE TROUT?
DO WE HAVE THEM FOR BREAKFAST?

D
YES, SIR.
THEY'�RE ALL PREPARE

JUST AS YOU ORDERED,
SIR, AND WE, UH--

SHH! THE WALLS HAVE
EAR TRUMPETS.

? SHE WAS POOR,
BUT SHE WAS HONEST ?

? VICTIM OF
A RICH MAN'�S CRIME ?

? FOR THE SQUIRE'�S SON,
HE KISSED HER ?

?
[COCKNEY ACCENT]
? AIN'�T IT ALL A ROTTEN SHAME?

? BA BA BOO BOO BOO ?

[WHISTLES MELODY]

WHO DO YOU THINK
THIS IS?

SIMPSON.

NO.

TRY AGAIN.

UH, FINNEY?

NO!

TRY AGAIN!

OH, I GIVE UP.

[BOTH LAUGH]

SURPRISED?

A HUSBAND.
YES.

Woman:
HOW NICE! HA HA!

HOW DID YOU SLEEP
AFTER THAT MAN DISAPPEARED?

OH, DEEP,
DEEP, DEEP.

HE HATED TO GO.

I DON'�T REMEMBER HI
M BEING ASKED TO GO.

DIDN'�T YOU HEAR HIM CHANTING
AS HE WENT OUT THE DOOR?

CHANTING?

MM-HMM.

? THANK YOU FOR
A LOVELY EVENING ?

OH, YOU!

[LAUGHING]

AH, MY FRIENDS!

MMM! AND I CAUGHT
EVERY ONE OF THEM.

YOU DID NOT.
THAT BIG ONE'�S MINE.

I CAUGHT HIM ON A PARMECINI
BELL, AND YOU KNOW IT.

I DO NOT. HE'�S MINE.

I CAUGHT HIM
ON A PROFESSOR.

I REMEMBER TAKING THAT
PROFESSOR OUT OF MY HAT

AND SAYING,
"PROF, OLD BOY,

IF YOU DON'�T
COME THROUGH--"

JAKE, HE'�S MINE.

REMEMBER, I CHANGED FROM
A SILVER DOCKER TO A PARMECINI.

YES, YES, I GUESS
YOU'�RE RIGHT.

PARMECINI DID IT.

YOU THROUGH WITH
THE ORANGE JUICE?

YES. OH,
HE'�S TOO MUCH.

WELL, YOU CLAIMED HIM.
YOU EAT HIM.

STOP THE BEEFING.

WELL, I GUESS I CAN
AT THAT.

JAKE.
HMM?

WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

UH, MONDAY,
NOVEMBER 8.

UH...

I'�M HAVING SOME PEOPLE
IN TONIGHT, SO DON'�T BE LATE.

MM-HMM.

DON'�T YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHO THEY ARE?

WHOM ARE YOU
HAVING IN?

OH, THE MERRITTS,
THE CARSTAIRS,

RAOUL,
AND BATTLESHIP.

OH, DID YOU HEAR?

BATTLESHIP TOOK THE COUNT
IN THE THIRD LAST NIGHT.

ROSENBLAT GOT IN
A LUCKY PUNCH, I GUESS.

OH, I'�M SORRY.

BUT HE WOULDN'�T MISS
ONE OFYOURPARTIES.

AND THERE'�LL BE
VIVIAN AND SYLVIA.

HEY, THAT'�S
QUITE A PARTY.

WHAT'�S THE IDEA?

JAKE. DON'�T YOU KNOW
WHAT DAY THIS IS?

HMM?

OH! IT'�S OUR
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

YES, DARLING.

MM-HMM. SEEMS LIKE ONLY
YESTERDAY, DOESN'�T IT?

YOU BETTER EAT
THAT FISH

WHILE
IT'�S GOT A FEVER.

JAKE...

MM-HMM?

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

JAKE.

DARLING!

[LAUGHING]

DON'�T YOU EVER ASK ME
TO GO WHALE FISHING.

BEFORE I LOOK AGAIN...

HEY, HEY, STOP!
POLICE!

I'�LL GO QUIETLY,
OFFICER.

I DON'�T KNOW
A THING ABOUT IT.

NO, NO, I WAS JUST
STANDING HERE...

[LAUGHING]

DID YOU TELL
MR. STANHOPE THAT FINNEY

IS WAITING WITH THE CAR?

YES, BUT SHE'�S
SITTING ON HIS LAP,

AND HE HASN'�T EVEN
TOUCHED HIS TROUT YET.

WHETHER MR. STANHOPE
TOUCHES HIS TROUT OR NOT

IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS.

SHH!
I KNOW--

UH, ELLEN, AS YOU
MAY HAVE GATHERED,

THIS IS MR. STANHOPE.

HELLO, ELLEN. WELCOME
TO THE INSTITUTION.

THANK YOU, SIR.

WHAT'�S TO PREVENT ME FROM
THINKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY?

WILD HORSES.

WHAT?

GLAD TO BE HOME?

SURE I AM.

SAY, THAT ELLEN'�S
A CUTE DISH.

YES. I'�LL FIX IT
UP FOR YOU.

HMM. FAT CHANCE WITH
THIS ONE IN THE BUILDING.

BYE.

? THANK YOU FOR
A LOVELY EVENING ?

GOOD MORNING, MR. STANHOPE.
GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK.

GLAD TO BE BACK,
SAM.

[CLICKING]

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. STANHOPE.
GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK.

GOOD MORNING,
MR., UH...

NO, NO.
DON'�T TELL ME.

BLAKELY. BLAKELY.

BAKEWELL.

BAKEWELL!
WELL, THAT'�S CLOSE.

I'�M GLAD TO BE BACK
, THANK YOU.

.
GOOD MORNING, V.S.
GOLLY, I'�M GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK

HELLO, JOE.
GLAD TO BE BACK.

GOOD MORNING,
MISS SPENCE.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.
GLAD TO BE BACK.

OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. STANHOPE.

GOOD MORNING, MARY.

THAT'�S ABOUT RIGHT.
HAND ME THE HAMMER, MARY.

WHY A MAN WOULD KEEP

SUCH A HORRIBLE PICTURE
OF HIMSELF IS BEYOND ME.

MAYBE I'�VE BEEN
WITH HIM TOO LONG,

BUT HE MUST BE
BETTER-LOOKING THAN THAT.

I THINK YOU'�RE RIGHT,
WHITEY.

IT DOESN'�T
DO ME JUSTICE.

V.S.!

THE NOSE ISN'�T EXACTLY
BROUGHT OUT.

OH, I'�M SORRY, V.S.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MARY.

HOW ARE YOU, WHITEY?
BEEN BEHAVING YOURSELF?

WHY, CERTAINLY.

CROSS YOUR HEART?
HAVE YOU BEEN TRUE TO ME?

WELL, TWICE.

MY, HOW TAN
YOU'�VE GOTTEN, V.S.

I DIDN'�T ALLOW FOR THAT
IN THE COLOR SCHEME.

I'�M AFRAID WE'�LL HAVE TO
CHANGE THE OFFICE AGAIN.

WHITEY, IT'�S GREAT.

DO YOU REALLY
LIKE IT?

I DON'�T SEE
HOW YOU DID IT.

Whitey: WELL,
I SPENT $806.

WHAT? WELL, YOU'�RE
MICHELANGELO, WHITEY,

THAT'�S WHO YOU ARE.
MIKE M. ANGELO.

[SNIFFS]

THAT'�S PAINT.
THEY JUST FINISHED

THE WOODWORK
THIS MORNING.

OH. IS IT STILL WET?

YES, IT IS.

NO, I DON'�T THINK SO.
NO, IT MUST BE DRY BY NOW.

NOPE, IT'�S STILL WET.

HOW MANY THINGS HAVE
PILED UP, WHITEY?

ABOUT A MILLION, EH?
ALMOST.

YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'�RE GOING TO DO?

HAVE AN OLD-FASHIONED
BOARD MEETING,

ALL DAY LONG,
KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT.

CLEAN UP EVERYTHING
IN 5 OR 6 HOURS.

GOOD IDEA, EH?

YES, V.S.

MR. WILLIAMS AND MR. TRENT
MAY COME IN NOW.

CALL THE STAFF FOR
A MEETING AT 3:00.

I THOUGHT YOU'�D
WANT IT FOR 11:00.

YOU MEAN YOU'�VE
ARRANGED IT FOR 11:00.

YES, V.S.

COME IN.

HELLO, HARRY.
HELLO, V.S.

HOW ARE YOU, NED?

YOU'�RE LOOKING
GREAT, V.S.

WELL, ALL THE TROUT
CAN BREATHE EASY

FOR ANOTHER YEAR, EH, V.S.?

ALL THAT'�S LEFT.
WHAT'�S THIS?

THAT'�S HOPPY'�S COVER
FOR THE JANUARYBOUDOIR.

I NEED YOUR RUSH "OK"
FOR THAT NEW COLOR PROCESS.

THAT'�S NICE.
VERY EFFECTIVE.

HOPPY MUST BE
STAYING SOBER AGAIN.

I'�LL BE INTERESTED
TO SEE THE PLATES.

ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, V.S.

HERE'�S THE JANUARY
MAYFAIRDUMMY.

ALL RIGHT
FOR PAGE PROOFS?

SAY, ALICE HAS WRITTEN
A VERY NICE ARTICLE HERE, NED.

LET'�S GIVE IT A DOUBLE SPREAD

AND MOVE IT UP FRONT
RIGHT AFTER TOPICS.

JANUARY'�S THE HEIGHT
OF THE DEB SEASON,

AND THE LITTLE DARLINGS
MIGHT BE INTERESTED.

OTHERWISE, IT'�S A SWELL BOOK
YOU ALWAYS PUT OUT.

THANK YOU, V.S.
I LIKE THAT IDEA.

ALL RIGHT.

IF WE'�RE MEETING AT 11:00,

GET ME THE QUARTERLY
SPACE SALES.

Whitey: YES, V.S.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,

MR. FARNSWORTH HAS
A GRAND NEW IDEA

TO SOLICIT THE DOLLY
DANE LIPSTICK ACCOUNT.

"STOP! DO YOU KNOW WHAT
IS HAPPENING TO YOU?"

IN OLD ENGLISH TYPE.

"WHERE DOES YOUR LIPSTICK
GO WHEN IT IS GONE?

DOES IT EVAPORATE? NO."

NEW PARAGRAPH. "THERE IS
NO NOURISHMENT IN PAINT.

USE STICK-
ON-THE-LIP LIPSTICK!"

EXCLAMATION MARK.

"50 CENTS IN THE UNITED
STATES AND CANADA."

Stanhope: THAT'�S
NOT BAD, JOE. I LIKE IT.

THANKS, V.S.

WHAT ARE YOU
USING FOR ART?

I THINK I HAVE

SOMETHING
VERY EFFECTIVE.

IT'�S A DAVID BUCKNELL.

UH-UH-UH-UH.
I DON'�T KNOW.

WE COULD HARDLY IMPROVE
ON BUCKNELL, V.S.

WELL, THE PICTURE'�S
ALL RIGHT AS A PICTURE,

BUT I'�M JUST WONDERING
IF IT TELLS THE STORY WE WANT.

FRANKLY, V.S., WELL,
I THINK THE VALUE

LIES IN THE COPY
AND NOT THE PICTURE.

YES, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW
THEY'�LL READ THE COPY?

WHAT'�S TO PREVENT THEM
FROM TURNING THE PAGE?

THE BUCKNELL GIRL?

OH, NO. NO, 2 PAGES
AHEAD OF THAT,

THERE'�LL PROBABLY BE A BUCKNELL
GIRL SELLING CIGARETTES

AND 2 PAGES AFTER,
A MOUTHWASH.

NO, THAT NEEDS SOME LITTLE TRICK
TO KEEP THEM GLUED TO THE PAGE.

READ IT AGAIN.

"STOP. DO YOU KNOW WHAT
IS HAPPENING TO YOU?

"WHERE DOES YOUR LIPSTICK
GO WHEN IT IS GONE?

DOES IT EVAPORATE? NO.

THERE IS NO NOURISHMENT
IN PAINT--"

I THINK I'�VE GOT IT.
WE'�LL USE THE BUCKNELL GIRL,

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE'�LL BE DOING?

SHE'�LL BE SEATED
AT A DRUGSTORE COUNTER,

A VERY PRETTY GIRL
WITH A STRAW IN HER MOUTH,

AND SHE'�LL BE
DRINKING A SODA.

THAT'�LL GIVE HER
A CHANCE TO POUT

AND PLAY UP HER PRETTY LIPS.

NOW, INSTEAD OF HAVING
HER STRAW STUCK IN A SODA,

IT'�LL BE STUCK
IN A SLOPPY CAN OF PAINT.

SHE'�LL BE DRINKING PAINT.
IT'�LL SAY SO RIGHT ON THE CAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

I LIKE THAT
VERY MUCH, V.S.

I LIKE IT, TOO, JOE.

[OTHERS LAUGHING]

DID YOU GET THAT,
WHITEY?

YES, V.S.

Stanhope: STRAIGHTEN IT
OUT WITH BUCKNELL.

WHAT'�S NEXT?

Whitey: MR. HARRINGTON

CONCERNING THE PANDORA
COLD CREAM ACCOUNT.

Stanhope:
ON YOUR FEET, HAL.

Hal: YES, I THINK
I'�M GOING TO BRING

A DEPRESSING NOTE
INTO THE PROCEEDINGS.

OH!
OH!

WE'�VE HAD THE PANDORA
COLD CREAM ACCOUNT FOR 9 YEARS,

AND WE'�VE ALWAYS RECEIVED
THE BULK OF THEIR APPROPRIATION.

THIS YEAR, HOWEVER,

OUR ALLOWANCE HAS BEEN
CUT EXACTLY IN HALF.

THEY CLAIM THEY'�RE
FINDING THEY HAVE TO APPEAL

MORE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC,

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THEIR HISTORY,

THEY'�RE CONTEMPLATING GOING
INTO A 5-CENT MAGAZINE--

THENATIONAL WEEKLY.

YEAH. WE'�VE HAD THAT
ARGUMENT BEFORE, HAL.

THEY'�RE NOT GOING
TO GET VERY FAR

TRYING TO SELL A
$2.00 JAR OF COLD CREAM

IN A 5-CENT MAGAZINE.

BUT THAT'�S IT, V.S. THAT $2.00
COLD CREAM NOW SELLS FOR $1.25.

WELL, I'�LL THINK
ABOUT IT.

THAT'�S ALL,
ISN'�T IT, WHITEY?

THAT'�S ALL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I THANK YOU

FOR A VERY INTERESTING
AND STIMULATING AFTERNOON.

Man: NOWWE'�LLHAVE TO
TAKE A VACATION.

Second man, jokingly:
SIMON LEGREE STANHOPE.

WHITEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'�M GOING TO DO?

Whitey: NO.

STANHOPE PUBLICATIONS

ARE GOING TO BUY
NATIONAL WEEKLY.

NO, V.S.

WE'�RE GOING TO MAKE
A DARN GOOD STAB AT IT.

HAL'�S RIGHT--WE'�RE LOSING
A LOT OF ADVERTISING

TO THE LOW-PRICED
PUBLICATIONS.

NATIONAL WEEKLY'�S
A GREAT PIECE

OF PROPERTY RIGHT NOW,

AND WITH OUR EDITORIAL
AND PROMOTION MACHINE,

WE COULD BUILD IT INTO

THE LARGEST 5-CENT
WEEKLY IN THE COUNTRY.

BUT WILL UNDERWOOD
SELL IT?

UNDERWOOD'�S
AN OLD CODGER

AND ABOUT READY
TO HANG UP HIS SWORD.

THEN WHAT ABOUT
THE HANSON HOUSE CROWD?

THAT'�S THE ONE DANGER.

IF HANSON HOUSE SHOULD
GET WIND OF THIS,

THEY'�D GET TO UNDERWOOD
WITH THEIR BID

BEFORE I COULD
GET ORGANIZED.

SO WE'�LL HAVE TO START
CAREFULLY AND SECRETLY.

AND WE'�LL
START RIGHT NOW.

GET UNDERWOOD
ON THE PHONE.

HE'�S PROBABLY
AT HIS OYSTER BAY PLACE.

YES, V.S.

NO, NO, NO. LET'�S NOT
USE OUR SWITCHBOARD.

OYSTER BAY 1-1-7-0.

[TELEPHONE CLICKS]

20 CENTS.

HELLO.
IS MR. UNDERWOOD IN?

MR. STANHOPE CALLING.

HE'�LL SEE IF HE'�S HOME.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

HELLO.

HELLO, MR. UNDERWOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?

I HAVEN'�T SEEN YOU
SINCE THE CONVENTION.

HOW'�S YOUR BACK?

OH, THAT'�S TOO BAD.

OH, I JUST THOUGHT I'�D LIKE
TO ASK YOU TO LUNCH.

IT'�S NOTHING SPECIAL,
JUST TALK--

ABOUT THE WEATHER
AND LIFE.

Mrs. Stanhope:
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

Woman: HERE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

Man: I BEG
YOUR PARDON.

[LAUGHING]

THAT'�S RICH, J.D.
THAT'�S VERY FUNNY.

[STANHOPE LAUGHS]

HELLO, MRS. STANHOPE.

HELLO. IS MR. STAN--

Stanhope:
HELLO, SWEET.

MIMI, DARLING!

[MIMI LAUGHS]

I'�M WARNING YOU,
I DON'�T INTEND PAYING

ANY MORE OF
YOUR GAMBLING DEBTS.

Mimi: OH, VAN,
DON'�T BE SO SILLY.

WHAT WILL
THE YOUNG LADY THINK?

I KEEP NO SECRETS
FROM MY SECRETARY.

MISS WILSON, MY MOTHER.

HOW DO YOU DO,
MRS. STANHOPE?

HOW DO YOU DO?

YOU MOTHER WOULD
LIKE TO SEE

YOUR NEW OFFICE,
AND SO WOULD I.

WELL, GO RIGHT IN,
LADIES.

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC
WEEKDAYS, 3:00 TO 5:00.

DON'�T STAY TOO LONG, DARLING.
I'�M UP TO MY EYES.

WE WON'�T STAY LONG.

I'�M POSITIVE I'�VE GOT
SOME FIGURES

ON THEIR NET CIRCULATION
IN MY FILES.

DIG THEM OUT, WILL YOU?

Mimi: WELL, I MUST SAY,

THIS ISN'�T EXACTLY MY IDEA
OF A BUSINESS OFFICE.

OH? WHAT IS IT
YOUR IDEA OF?

I SHOULDN'�T LIKE
TO SAY.

[LAUGHS]

WHY, MIMI,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT SUCH PLACES?

OH, YOU SILLY. IT'�S VERY PRETTY
VERY, VERY PRETTY.

WHITEY DID IT ALL
WHILE I WAS AWAY.

I DON'�T SEE WHY YOU
DIDN'�T USE MR. DARIAN.

HE'�S BEEN OUR DECORATOR
FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

Van: BECAUSE I USE
WHITEY--MISS WILSON--

MY SECRETARY.

Mimi, softly:
HE CALLS HER WHITEY.

YES, I'�M AFRAID HE DOES.
LOOK, ISN'�T THIS COMFORTABLE?

YES. I DON'�T SEE
ANY REASON

WHY HE SHOULD EVER
COME HOME AT ALL.

WELL, I THINK OF MYSELF
AS A SORT OF REASON.

OH, DEAR.

YOU'�VE DONE WONDERS,
MISS WHITEY.

OH, I'�M SO HAPPY YOU
LIKE IT, MRS. STANHOPE.

NOW THEN, LADIES, AS
BREATHTAKING AND ALLURING

AS YOU BOTH ARE--

YES, I KNOW.
WE'�RE GOING.

COME ALONG, MIMI, DARLING...
BEFORE WE'�RE TURNED OUT.

Van: YOU KNOW, WHITEY,
THE THING FOR ME TO DO

IS TO MEMORIZE EVERYTHING
WE'�VE GOT ON THIS AND THEN
FORGET IT BY TOMORROW.

JAKE, YOU SUPPOSE
YOU COULD BE HOME BY--

Van: THAT OLD BUZZARD'�S
AS SMART AS A WHIP.

I'�LL BET HE KNOWS OUR FIGURES
BETTER THAN WE KNOW HIS.

I HAVEN'�T BEEN ONE
TO GIVE YOU

MUCH ADVICE,
HAVE I, DEAR?

YOU'�VE BEEN AN ABSOLUTELY
MODEL MOTHER-IN-LAW, MIMI.

ALL RIGHT, THEN

I'�M GOING TO GIVE
YOU SOME NOW.

GET RID OF THAT
SECRETARY OF VAN'�S.

MISS WILSON?

VAN COULDN'�T LIVE
WITHOUT HER.

I HOPE NOTWITHHER.

WHY, I ASSURE YOU,
HE DOESN'�T.

YOU KNOW, MY DEAR,

I'�VE SEEN MUCH MORE OF
THE WORLD THAN YOU HAVE

AND MORE OF
THE STANHOPE MEN.

VAN IS VERY LIKE
HIS FATHER--

WARM-HEARTED,
IMPULSIVE, ACTIVE.

TEMPTATION OUGHT NOT
TO BE PUT IN THEIR WAY.

MIMI, DARLING,
ALL VAN'�S LIFE IS SPENT

WITH ATTRACTIVE WOMEN--
NOT ONLY MISS WILSON,

BUT THE GIRLS
WHO MODEL DRESSES,

THE LOVELY ACTRESSES
WHOSE PICTURES HE RUNS.

IF ONCE I STARTED
TO BE SUSPICIOUS--

OH, I DON'�T WANT YO
U TO BE SUSPICIOUS.

I ONLY WANT YOU
TO BE PRUDENT.

I WANT YOU TO PROTECT
YOURSELF AND VAN

AGAINST ALL DANGER.

WHAT'�S ALL THIS
RED-FLAG WAVING?

MY PROTECTION,
AS YOU CALL IT,

AND VAN'�S, TOO,
FOR THAT MATTER,

IS TO LOVE AND TRUST
EACH OTHER MORE THAN ANYTHING.

THAT'�S SIMPLE...
AND VERY DEAR, MIMI, DARLING.

YOU'�RE NOT A JEALOU
S PERSON, ARE YOU?

I HAVEN'�T TIME TO BE.

BESIDES, IF I WERE, I'�D DESTROY
THE VERY THING VAN LOVES IN ME.

I TRY TO MAKE HIS LIFE
SMOOTH AND PLEASANT,

THE VERY OPPOSITE
OF ALL THAT BACK THERE--

THE WORRY AND ACTION,
ACHIEVEMENT.

I WANT TO BE A REFUGE
FROM ALL THAT,

TO LAUGH OR JUST
BE QUIET WITH HIM.

THERE'�S NO ROOM FOR JEALOUSY
THERE, IS THERE?

I SEE YOUR POINT
OF VIEW, DEAR,

AND IT'�S ALL VERY
MODERN AND NOBLE.

NEVERTHELESS,
I ADVISE YOU

TO GET RID
OF MISS WILSON.

NEVER. SHE'�S AS
IMPORTANT TO HIM DOWNTOWN

AS I AM TO HIM UPTOWN.

WELL, SHE'�S NOT
THE SORT OF PERSON

I'�D CARE TO SEE ALONE

IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH
WITHMYHUSBAND.

WHY, MIMI!

[LAUGHING]
YOU'�RE TERRIBLE!

OH...VAN DOESN'�T KNOW
ANY OTHER WOMAN'�S ALIVE.

HIS FATHER'�S SON?

OH!

[MAN SLURPING NOISILY]

WELL, MR. PAPER READER,

WHY DON'�T YOU DRINK
YOUR SOUP WITH A STRAW?

OH, DON'�T BE SILLY.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO
GET THE VEGETABLES UP?

MM-HMM. CAUGHT
RED-HANDED.

A PICKPOCKET.

I DIDN'�T KNOW IT WAS
YOUR POCKET, SIR.

I WAS JUST WALKING
DOWN THE STREET--

OUTSIDE, YOUNG LADY.

AW, SHOW IT
TO ME NOW, DAVE.

NOT UNTIL
AFTER THE SHOW.

PATIENCE, WOMAN.
PATIENCE.

Woman: WHAT'�S THE MATTER?
WHAT IS IT?

Whitey: HE HAS SOMETHING
TO SHOW ME.

THIS IS HIS IDEA OF WEARING
THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY.

MM. IF AND WHEN YOU
EVER TRICK ME

INTO
MARRYING YOU, DEAR,

.
I'�LL WEAR THE PANTS

UH-HUH.

WHAT'�S THAT?

NOTHING. I SAID NOTHING.

SAY IT A LITTLE LOUDER,
DEAR, AND STOP HINTING.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET
A DIVORCE IN THIS FAMILY

IS JUST SAY THE WORD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I KNOW. FOR
THE LAST 10 YEARS,

I'�VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND THAT WORD.

HELLO?

OH, YES, MR. STANHOPE.

HOLY MACKEREL, I'�VE
NEVER KNOWN IT TO FAIL.

YES, SHE'�S HERE,
MR. STANHOPE.

HELLO.

HELLO, WHITEY. DO YOU REMEMBER
IF THE 240,000 CIRCULATION

INCLUDED MAILING TO NEWSSTANDS
THAT DIDN'�T HAVE DELIVERY?

I DON'�T THINK SO, V.S.

I THINK THEY COUNTED
WITHTHE NEWSSTANDS.

OH, I THINK
I BETTER GO OVER

THE WHOLE THING
AGAIN, WHITEY.

YOU RUN DOWN TO THE OFFICE
AND GET ME THE FOLDER.

IT'�S IN THE SMALL SAFE. THANKS.

YOU WEREN'�T DOING ANYTHING
TONIGHT ANYWAY, WERE YOU?

WELL, THAT'�S PERFECTLY
ALL RIGHT, V.S.

IF I LEAVE HERE NOW,

I'�LL BE THERE
WITHIN AN HOUR.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'�S GREAT.

JUST GREAT.

IT MAY BE YOUR IDEA
OF A GOOD JOB.

IT'�S NOT MINE.

YOU KNOW, IF THAT'�S
HAPPENED ONCE,

IT'�S HAPPENED
20 TIMES.

I NEVER SAW ANYBODY
SO INCONSIDERATE.

DOESN'�T IT
EVER OCCUR TO HIM

THAT YOU MIGHT BE
WANTING TO GO OUT

FOR A GOOD TIME
OR SOMETHING?

Whitey: NOW, DAVE,
HE'�S GOT

IMPORTANT THINGS
ON HIS MIND.

IF YOU'�LL JUST GIVE ME
MY TICKET TO THE THEATER,

I'�LL BE THERE
AS SOON AS I CAN,

AND THEN YOU CAN
TELL ME WHAT I'�VE MISSED.

Dave: I'�M NOT GOING
OUT WITH A GIRL.

I'�M GOING
OUT WITH A DOCTOR.

EXCEPT STANHOPE
GIVES BIRTH

EVERY 20 MINUTES.

MISS WILSON?

YES.

I'�VE OFTEN SPOKE WITH YOU
OVER THE TELEPHONE, MISS.

OF COURSE.
YOU'�RE SIMPSON.

YES, MISS. IF YOU'�LL
JUST BE SEATED...

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

I'�LL TELL MR. STANHOPE
YOU'�RE HERE.

DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT'�S ON THE LEVEL

OR JUST FOR THE EFFECT
ON THE VISITING FIREMEN?

DON'�T LOOK NOW, VAN,

BUT THERE'�S A TERRIBLY
GREEN-LOOKING GIRL

JUST BEHIND US.

YOU KNOW WHAT DID IT,
DON'�T YOU?

JUST ENVY.

[COUPLE LAUGHING]

HAPPY?

I DON'�T KNOW.

YOU'�VE NEVER
SHOWN ME ANYTHING ELSE.

SICKENING.
MAY I CUT IN?

HOW DID HE
GET IN HERE?

I DIDN'�T INVITE HIM.

MISS WILSON'�S
HERE, SIR.

I'�LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
FOR COMING THIS LATE.

SHALL WE DANCE?

I DIDN'�T COME HERE
TO DANCE.

N-NOW, THAT'�S
INTERESTING.

WHATDIDYOU
COME FOR?

COME ON UPSTAIRS, WHITEY.
IT'�LL BE QUIETER THERE.

HELLO, HERB.
HELLO.

Van: WHO IS THIS?

WHY DON'�T YOU WEAR
THAT THING AT THE OFFICE?

HELLO, KIT.

MY.

WHO WAS THAT?

HE SAID HIS SECRETARY
WAS COMING OVER.

SECRETARY?

I'�LL BE
A SO-AND-SO.

RELAX, DEAR. THIS IS
THEIR THIRD ANNIVERSARY,

NOT THEIR FIRST.

HELLO, LINDA.

HAVE YOU SEEN VAN?

NO.
YES.

THAT IS, I SAW HIM

JUST A FEW MINUTES
AGO WITH HARVEY.

OH.

HOW DID I KNOW
YOU WERE GOING
TO SAY NO?

MY MOTHER ALWAYS
USED TO TELL ME,

"JOAN, YOU SHOULD
NEVER SEE THE HUSBAND."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

OH, SIMPSON.
YES, MADAM.

HAVE YOU SEEN
MR. STANHOPE?

YES, MADAM. HE'�S
JUST GONE UPSTAIRS
WITH MISS WILSON.

OH. THANK YOU, SIMPSON.

YES, MADAM.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

EXCUSE ME, DARLING.

CERTAINLY.

OH, GOOD EVENING,
MRS. STANHOPE.

HELLO, MISS WILSON.
WHY, VAN, YOU'�VE TAKEN
HER AWAY FROM A PARTY.

THAT'�S ALL RIGHT.

YOU'�RE GOING TO STAY
RIGHT HERE.

OH, NO.
YES, YOU ARE.
I INSIST ON IT.

OH, COME ON, WHITEY.
JOIN THE PARTY.

I COULDN'�T. I--
I'�D ONLY BE
INTRUDING.

OH, NO, YOU'�D BE
DOING ME A FAVOR.

THERE ARE HALF A DOZEN
EXTRA MEN,

AND WE NEED YOU.
THEY NEED YOU.

WELL, SOMEONE'�S
WAITING FOR ME
AT THE THEATER.

THE THEATERS
ARE OUT BY NOW.

ARE YOU SURE?

OH, CERTAINLY.

Van: WHITEY,
YOU'�RE GOOD AT THIS.

Whitey: THANKS, V.S.

Van: V.S.? NO, NOT WHEN
WE'�RE DANCING.

Whitey: THANKS, VAN.

Van: THAT'�S BETTER.

HEY, BATTLESHIP.
HAVEN'�T YOU EVER
SEEN A BLONDE BEFORE?

I'�M BEGINNING
TO WONDER.

I MUST
DEFINITELY
MEET THAT.

OH, I WISH MY WIFE WOULD
GET A SICK HEADACHE
AND GO HOME.

GENTLEMEN, I FEAR THAT
EVEN I COULD GIVE THAT
LITTLE LADY DICTATION.

IT WAS A LOVELY
PARTY, LINDA.

THANK YOU.

I THINK I'�VE DISCOVERED
YOUR SECRET WITH VAN.

YOU'�RE NOT JEALOUS
OF HIS BUSINESS.

WELL, I DON'�T UNDERSTAN
D A WOMAN WHO TREATS
HER HUSBAND'�S BUSINESS

AS IF IT WERE
A BAD HABIT SHE
COULDN'�T BREAK HIM OF

AND THEN SPENDS
EVERY CENT HE MAKES.

ISN'�T SHE SWEET?

AND WHAT A LOVELY-
LOOKING CREATURE
VAN'�S SECRETARY IS.

YOU KNOW, LINDA,
THAT PROVES SOMETHING.

MOST WIVES
COULDN'�T AFFORD

TO HAVE A PRETTY GIRL
LIKE THAT AROUND
ALL THE TIME.

BUT YOU'�RE
SO SURE OF VAN.

WELL, I DON'�T THINK
VAN'�S THE KIND OF MAN
YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.

OF COURSE NOT.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.

GOOD NIGHT.

LINDA, I KNOW JUST
WHAT YOU'�RE THINKING.

YOU'�VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT,

NOT WITH VAN.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.

GOOD NIGHT, JOAN.

SHH! I JUST SIGNED
THE HOTEL REGISTER--

MR. AND MRS. JOHN SMITH
OF SCRANTON, PENNSYLTUCKY.

[LAUGHING]
IDIOT.

OH, GWENDOLYN,
IF IT WEREN'�T FOR
THE WIFE WHOM I LOVE,

I'�D MAKE AN HONEST
WOMAN OUT OF YOU.

BUT I DO LOVE MY WIFE.

I'�M THE BEST,
AREN'�T I?

YOU'�RE THE TOP.

THE ONLY BEST,
ALWAYS?

YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY
THEY'�RE GOING TO PUT US
BOTH IN A WHEELCHAIR,

AND THEN WHEN MY LUMBAGO
ISN'�T BOTHERING ME,

MM, HONEY...
YOU LOOK OUT.

WELL, I'�VE WORKED
FOR A LOT OF THEM,

BUT HE CERTAINLY
IS ONE GRAND GUY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HE CERTAINLY IS.

I SHOULD SAY HE IS.
AND THE MISSIS--
SHE'�S A PIP, TOO.

YOU KNOW, I'�D DO
ANYTHING FOR HER.

YEAH.
SHE'�S AWFULLY SWEET.

WITH HIM, THE WAY
HE ACTS, ESPECIALLY
FOR A BIG SHOT,

ALWAYS CLOWNING
AROUND AND DOING
THE CRAZIEST STUNTS.

[HORNS HONKING]

HEY,
WHAT'�S THE MATTER?

DO YOU WANT
TO GET RUN OVER,
YOU BIG CHUMP?

DOES HE ACT
LIKE THAT DOWN
AT THE OFFICE?

SOMETIMES.

WELL, HE CERTAINLY
MUST GET A GREAT
KICK OUT OF LIFE.

EVERYTHING HE DOES
IS ALL IN FUN.

YES.

IT'�S ALL IN FUN.

GOOD NIGHT,
MISS WILSON.

GOOD NIGHT, FINNEY,
AND THANK YOU.

DAVID.
DAVID, WAKE UP.

YOU'�LL BE LATE.

HUH...

OK, MOM.

OH! HELLO.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

2:00.

OH! I WAS GOING HOME
AT 12:00.

I DIDN'�T THINK
YOU'�D BE WAITING.

WE DIDN'�T FINISH
WORK UNTIL 11:00,

AND I COULDN'�T
HAVE GOT TO
THE THEATER ON TIME.

THAT'�S ALL RIGHT.

I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO GET THERE
ON TIME,

BUT THEY ASKED ME
TO STAY. THEY WERE
HAVING A PARTY.

OH, DID THEY?
HOW WAS IT?

YOU CAN'�T
BELIEVE IT.

THEIR HOME
AND THE PEOPLE
THAT WERE THERE.

FRED EVANS CAME UP
AFTER THE SHOW
AND DANCED.

KITTY HOBART.
SHE'�S PRETTY OLD WHEN
SHE'�S NOT ON THE STAGE.

AND BATTLESHIP DID
A DOUBLE SOMERSAULT
FROM A CHAIR

AND BROKE HIS WRIST.

DID HE?
THAT'�S SOMETHING.

WHAT'�S THAT?

THIS. OH, OH, IT'�S
JUST...A SURPRISE.

$75 A WEEK.
A $20 RAISE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'�S ALL YOUR FAULT.

MINE?

UH-HUH.

YEP. I WAS
SITTING IN THE OFFICE
LOOKING AT A CALENDAR.

I MUST HAVE BEEN
LOOKING AT IT
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

"$55 A WEEK," I SAID.

"NEXT YEAR THIS TIME,
IT'�LL BE 65, AND THE YEAR
AFTER THAT IT WILL BE 75.

"THAT'�S 2 WHOLE YEARS
OUT OF MY LIFE--OUT OF
BOTH OF OUR LIVES--

WAITING FOR THAT NUMBER
TO COME AROUND."

WELL, I GOT UP,
AND I WALKED RIGHT INTO
POKER FACE'�S OFFICE

BEFORE I HAD TIME
TO THINK.

I KNEW THAT WAS
THE ONLY WAY
I COULD DO IT.

AND THERE HE WAS.

OH, I'�LL NEVER
FORGET IT.

HE WAS FILLING HIS PIPE
WHEN I CAME IN.

AND I WALKED RIGHT UP
TO HIS DESK, AND I SAID,

"MR. CAMP, I BELIEVE I CAN
GET $75 A WEEK ELSEWHERE.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN KEEPING ME ON HERE
AT THAT FIGURE?"

HE DIDN'�T SAY ANYTHING.

HE JUST...JUST KEPT
PUFFING ON THAT MATCH,

AND THEN THAT ONE WENT OUT
AND HE LIT ANOTHER.

HE DIDN'�T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

I THOUGHT MAYBE HE WAS MAD
OR MAYBE HE DIDN'�T EVEN
HEAR ME AT ALL.

AND THEN SUDDENLY
HE LOOKED UP AND...

AND SAID, "75."

AND SMILED.
OLD POKER FACE SMILED.

I BET I WAS
WHITE AS A SHEET.

DAVE!

I DON'�T EVEN
REMEMBER WHETHER
I SAID "THANK YOU."

I JUST TURNED AROUND
AND WALKED OUT
OF THE OFFICE.

OH, DAVE!

HONEY...

YOU BETTER HAND IN
YOUR 2 WEEKS'� NOTICE
TOMORROW, HUH?

WE CAN HAVE
A SERVANT, DAVE.

I WOULDN'�T HAVE TO
GIVE UP MY JOB.

NOW, WE'�VE BEEN
OVER ALL THAT.

IT ISN'�T LIKE
BEING MARRIED.

WHY ISN'�T IT?

IT'�S JUST AN IDEA
THAT YOU HAVE.

WE COULD LIVE
MUCH BETTER
ON 2 SALARIES.

ON MINE ALONE
WE COULD SAVE ENOUGH

MAYBE EVEN
TO GO TO EUROPE.

WELL...

YOU'�LL BE ALL
TIRED AT NIGHT.
YOU WORK LATE.

YOU'�VE GOT WORSE HOURS
THAN I HAVE.

WE'�RE NOT GIVING
MARRIAGE A FAIR BREAK.

WE WANT TO HAVE
A HOME AND KIDS...

MAYBE...

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

AW, WHITEY, YOU...

YOU'�RE NOT
LIKE THE REST OF
THE GIRLS IN OUR CROWD

THAT GOT MARRIED.

THEY ALL HAD
LITTLE JOBS THAT
WEREN'�T INTERESTING,

AND THEY DIDN'�T MIND
STAYING AT HOME.

BUT YOU'�VE GOT
THIS GOOD JOB,

AND YOU'�RE...
GETTING MORE USED
TO IT EVERY DAY,

AND YOU SEE PARTIES,
LIKE TONIGHT...

MEET MEN
LIKE STANHOPE,

MILLIONAIRES.

WELL, TH-THAT
SPOILS YOU, HONEY.

YOU CAN'�T HELP YOURSELF.

YOU'�LL GET SO THAT
YOU WON'�T WANT A HUSBAND

AND A HOME AND KIDS
UNTIL IT'�S TOO LATE.

A GIRL LIKE YOU
HAS TO MAKE UP HER MIND
TO HAVE A HOME WITH A MAN.

THAT'�S NATURAL.

WHAT YOU'�RE DOING
ISN'�T.

COME ON.

COME ON, GIVE STANHOPE
YOUR NOTICE TOMORROW,

WILL YOU, WHITEY?

I MEAN, MAKE IT
A MONTH'�S NOTICE
IF YOU WANT TO.

I CAN'�T DO THAT
NOW, DAVE.

DARLING, WE'�LL
IRON IT OUT.

WE JUST DON'�T WANT
TO DO ANYTHING
WITHOUT THINKING.

THAT'�S NOT BEST
FOR US.

[STICK TAPS SIDEWALK]

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

[IRISH ACCENT]
YOU'�RE PARKED ON THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE STREET.

YOU'�VE BEEN HERE
FOR OVER AN HOUR,

AND YOUR PARKING LIGHTS
ARE OUT.

I'�M SORRY.

YOU'�RESORRY?

WELL, SIR,
IF ME FEET
DIDN'�T HURT ME,

I'�D WRITE YOU OUT
THE LONGEST TICKET
YOU EVER SAW.

BY GOLLY,
THEY'�RE KILLING ME.

YOU MIGHT CATCH
YOUR DEATH OF COLD

WITH ONLY THAT BIT
OF RABBIT YOU HAVE
AROUND YOUR NECK THERE.

LET'�S SEE.
WHERE WAS I?

THE REASON I
PREFER INDIVIDUAL
CONTRACTS IS...

OH, YES, YES.

THE REASON I PREFER
INDIVIDUAL CONTRACTS

IS BECAUSE...

IS BECAUSE I HAVE
FOUND FROM EXPERIENCE...

I DON'�T KNOW WHAT I'�VE
FOUND FROM EXPERIENCE.

MY MIND ISN'�T ON THIS.

WE CAN DO THE REST
ON THE WAY BACK.

YOU KNOW, WHITEY, I
HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT
FOR UNDERWOOD.

DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'�LL
FALL FOR THIS HOOEY?

WELL, HE SHOULD
IF YOU'�RE CONVINCIN
G ENOUGH.

HELLO, J.D.
HOW ARE YOU?

HOW'�S YOUR BACK?

[LIKE J.D.]
NEVER MIND THAT,
SON.

WHAT ARE YOU
HERE FOR?

OH, NO, NO.
HE'�S SMOOTHER
THAN THAT.

HE WON'�T
TALK BUSINESS FOR
THE FIRST 2 HOURS.

J.D.: HELLO, VAN.

HELLO, J.D.
HOW'�S YOUR BACK?

NEVER MIND THAT, SON.
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

WELL, NOW.

I DON'�T CARE
WHAT YOU'�RE HERE FOR.

IT'�S MORE INTERESTING
FOR ME TO TELL YOU
ABOUT MY BACK.

VAN, I'�VE GOT
A BRAND-NEW KIND
OF A STEAM CABINET

SOME FELLOW
IN BELGIUM INVENTED,

AND I TELL YOU,
I'�M LIKE A KID
WITH A TOY.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'�T
HAD A GOOD STEAM BATH
IN A YEAR.

YOU HAVEN'�T?

NO.

AH!

LIKE IT?

WONDERFUL. MARVELOUS.

VAN, ENOUGH BEATING
ABOUT THE BUSH.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO PUT OVER ON ME?

J.D., DID ANYBODY EVER
PUT ANYTHING OVER ON YOU

IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?

WELL, YOU'�RE
NOT FAR WRONG.

I'�LL LAY
MY CARDS ON THE TABLE.
I WANT YOUR ADVICE.

I'�M THINKING OF STARTING
A 5-CENT WEEKLY.

OH. SO YOU'�RE GOING
TO TRY TO COMPETE
WITH ME, EH?

OH, NO, NO.
THERE'�S ROOM
FOR US BOTH, I THINK.

WELL, YOU'�RE A CLEVER
YOUNG GAMECOCK, VAN,

BUT I'�M
NOT SO OLD A BIRD
THAT I'�M AFRAID

TO STAY
IN THE PIT WITH YOU,
SO TAKE MY WARNING.

I HATE TO THROW
COLD WATER ON YOU.

UGH!

YOU'�RE TOO LATE.

AS A MATTER
OF FACT,

IF YOU'�RE THINKING
OF GOING IN

FOR QUANTITY
CIRCULATION,

WHY DON'�T YOU THINK
A BETTER IDEA?

WHAT'�S THAT?

WELL, WHY
START AT SCRATCH?

WHY NOT
TAKE SOMETHING
ALREADY SET UP?

HOW DO YOU MEAN,
J.D.?

WHY NOT BUY
NATIONAL WEEKLY
FROM ME?

WHAT?

BUYNATIONAL WEEKLY?

OH, BUT YOUR PRICE
WOULD BE PROHIBITIVE.

BESIDES, THAT'�S
YOUR PET SHEET.

YOU BROUGHT IT UP
FROM A BABY.

I HADN'�T EVEN
THOUGHT OF IT.

YOU'�LL HAVE TO ADMI
T IT'�S AN IDEA.

WHY, IT'�S--
IT'�S FLABBERGASTING.

UH-HUH.

WELL, IT TAKES
AN OLD FLABBERGASTER
LIKE ME

TO MAKE YOU
SMART YOUNGSTERS SEE

THAT YOU HAVEN'�T
GOT ALL THE IDEAS
IN THE WORLD.

WHY THE DEUCE
DIDN'�T I EVER THINK
OF THAT BEFORE?

WELL, IT'�S PROBABLY
THIS NEW STEAM BATH.

THAT SWEATS OUT
A LOT OF THINGS.

YEAH, THAT'�S RIGHT.

HA HA HA!

A 4 MILLION CIRCULATION
UNDER ONE MAN?
THAT'�S POWER, BOY.

CAN YOU TIE A BOW TIE?
I CAN TIE IT ON
A MILK BOTTLE ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'�T TIE IT
ON MYSELF.

HOW DID YOU
GET DRESSED
THIS MORNING?

LINDA DID IT.
HOW IS SHE?

FINE.
SHE'�S TOO GOOD
FOR YOU.

I KNOW IT.

WHEN DOES
YOUR DIRECTORS
MEETING COME UP?

OH, ABOUT 2 MONTHS.

WELL, I'�LL SEND YOU
ALL THE FIGURES
YOU NEED,

AND YOU CAN
GET USED TO THEM.

I CAN'�T HOLD OUT
ANY HOPES, J.D.

THE BOYS ARE
AWFULLY CONSERVATIVE.

YOU CAN'�T TELL THEM
THEY'�LL LIKE IT.

IF THEY DO, MAYBE
WE CAN GET TOGETHER.

YOU RUN THE WORKS,
AND I'�LL TAKE
A STOCK ALLOTMENT

AND PLAY GOLF
THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I COULD
MAKE A LIVING
DOING THAT, TOO.

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA! YOU COULDN'�T
BELIEVE IT.

HE SPENT THE LAST
20 MINUTES TRYING
TO TALKMEINTO IT.

HA HA HA!

IT'�S HIS IDEA NOW.
HE FELL LIKE
A TON OF BRICKS.

OH, THAT'�S
WONDERFUL, V.S.!

FINNEY, TAKE
MISS WILSON HOME.

YES, SIR.

WHITEY, IF THE FAINTEST
RUMOR OF THIS
EVER LEAKS OUT...

I UNDERSTAND,
V.S.

I CAN'�T EVEN TELL LINDA
A THING LIKE THIS.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

I WASN'�T WORRYING
ABOUT TRUSTING YOU.

I WAS ONLY AFRAID THAT
YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND
ABOUT THE SECRECY.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

? PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES
IN YOUR OLD KITBAG ?

? AND SMILE, SMILE, SMILE ?

? WHILE YOU'�VE A LUCIFER
TO LIGHT YOUR FAG ?

? SMILE, BOYS,
THAT'�S THE STYLE ?

? OH, WHAT'�S THE USE
OF WORRYING? ?

? IT NEVER
WAS WORTHWHILE, SO ?

? WHAT ARE WE
HAVING FOR DINNER? ?

MR. AND MRS. BARKER.

OH, PENNY-A-POINT BARKER.
I'�M SURE THEY'�RE BOTH
CARD CHEATS.

SO AM I.

BUT THEY COULDN'�T
BE BETTER THAN US.

I WAS THINKING THAT.

I CALLED YOU
AT THE OFFICE

AND LEFT A MESSAGE
TO BE CALLED BACK.

WHY DIDN'�T YOU?

WELL, I DIDN'�T GO BACK
TO THE OFFICE.

I WAS AT THE CLUB
ALL AFTERNOON.

WHAT DID YOU WANT?

OH, NOTHING.

COME ON, NOW.
WHAT WAS IT YOU
WANTED TO TELL ME?

IT'�S TOO LATE.
WON'�T TALK NOW.

[MUFFLED]
WELL, PROBABLY WASN'�T
ANYTHING IMPORTANT ANYHOW.

WELL, YOU'�RE NOT
GOING TO GET IT
OUT OF ME THAT WAY.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU
WANT TO TELL ME?

.
OH, THE MOOD'�S GONE

IT'�S ALL
DIFFERENT NOW.

OH.

IT IS, HUH?

THE MOOD'�S GONE, EH?

THE MOOD'�S GONE, EH?

IT IS?

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME
YOU BID 3 SPADES TONIGHT,

I AM DEFINITELY
GOING TO BREAK
THAT LOVELY LITTLE NECK.

THAT TIE'�S BEEN REMADE
SINCE THIS MORNING.

HEY, YOU ARE OBSERVANT.

WELL, I WAS SWIMMING
AT THE CLUB.

ONE OF THE BOYS
HAD TO DO IT.

THE WORLD'�S DIVIDED
INTO 2 KINDS OF PEOPLE--

THOSE WHO BELIEVE
THAT BOW TIE ENDS
SHOULD BE STICKING OUT

AND THOSE WHO DON'�T.

PERSONALLY, I'�M VERY
TOLERANT. ASK ANYBODY.

BUT ANYONE WHO BELIEVES
A BOW TIE END SHOULD
STICK OUT

SHOULD BE DEPORTED
FROM THIS COUNTRY.

BOILING IN OIL'�S
TOO GOOD FOR THEM.

MM. THAT'�S THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT IT, TOO.

STAND STILL.

MM.

OUR BUTCHER SENDS US
THE MOST INCONSIDERATE
CHICKENS.

WE NEVER HAVE
CHICKEN LIVERS
LIKE THIS.

I THINK MOLLY PUTS EGG
OR SOMETHING IN IT.

TED, I NEVER SAW
YOU LOOK BETTER
IN YOUR LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOURSELF,
ANYWAY?

SIMPSON.
WHAT'�S
THE MATTER, DEAR?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WILL YOU GET ANN
MORE CHICKEN LIVERS?
MM-HMM.

WELL, I'�VE DISCOVERED THAT
TO KEEP TRIM, YOU HAVE TO
SPEND SOME TIME AT IT.

NOW, ONCE A WEEK NOW,
NO MATTER HOW BUSY I AM,

I TAKE THE AFTERNOON OFF
AND GO TO THE CLUB.

I'�VE BEEN SWIMMING IN THAT
POOL ALL AFTERNOON TODAY,

AND I CAN TELL YOU,
I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAN.

YOU OUGHT
TO GET VAN TO DO THAT.

I HAVEN'�T SEEN HIM
AT THE CLUB IN MONTHS.

THANK YOU.

VAN, YOU DON'�T TAKE
ENOUGH EXERCISE.
YOU OUGHT--

I WISH YOU'�D LET MOLLY
MAKE YOU UP A LITTLE JAR
OF CHICKEN LIVERS.

SHE'�LL GIVE YOU
A RECIPE, TOO.

OH, NO, LINDA.

IT'�S NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

DO YOU WANT ONE?
YES, THANKS.

UH, MOLLY, WILL YOU
MAKE UP A LITTLE JAR

OF CHICKEN LIVERS
FOR MRS. BARKER

AND THEN WRITE OUT
THE RECIPE, PLEASE?

Molly: YES, YES.

BUT I HAVE
NO LITTLE JARS.

OH, GOOD EVENING,
MRS. STANHOPE.

GOOD EVENING,
FINNEY.

FINNEY, WILL YOU
RUN AN ERRAND?
YES, MA'�AM.

YOU'�VE HAD YOUR DINNER,
HAVEN'�T YOU?

UH, NO, MA'�AM.

I TOOK MISS WILSON HOME
AFTER I BROUGHT
MR. STANHOPE.

I SEE.

OH, UH, DON'�T
YOU WANT ME TO RUN
THE ERRAND, MA'�AM?

UH...

OH, YES. YES, FINNEY.

HAVE YOUR DINNER
AND THEN GET MOLLY
A LITTLE JAR.

YES, MA'�AM.

[MEN LAUGHING]

TED JUST SAID
THAT HE TOLD
ANN TONIGHT

HE THOUGHT
WE WERE A COUPLE
OF CARD CHEATS.

OH, NO.
I DIDN'�T MEAN THAT.
[LAUGHING]

[WALTZ PLAYING]

TIGHTER.

YOU KNOW, I COULD
GET YOU SKATES.

AH, NO, I DON'�T
FEEL LIKE IT.

I'�LL JUST WATCH.

THERE YOU ARE.

WELL,
HERE GOES NOTHING.

I WOULDN'�T SIT HERE
IF I WAS COLD, LINDA.

I'�M ALL BUNDLED UP.

HOW LONG ARE WE
GOING TO STAY?

NOT LONG. I'�M NOT
VERY CRAZY ABOUT THIS.

THEY SENT ME AN ENGRAVED
INVITATION, SO I OUGHT
TO STAY AWHILE.

[LAUGHING]
GOOD EVENING,
MRS. STANHOPE.

GOOD EVENING,
MISS WILSON.

AREN'�T YOU SKATING?

NO. I DON'�T THINK
I OUGHT TO. I'�VE
GOT AN AWFUL COLD.

OH, I'�M SORRY.
MAY I BORROW
YOUR HUSBAND?

YOU'�RE
QUITE WELCOME.

THANK YOU. MAY I?

PRIVILEGE
AND A PLEASURE.
KEEP BUNDLED UP, NOW.

I WILL.

IT'�S MARVELOUS THEY HAVE
THE SPIRIT IN THE ORGANIZATION
TO HAVE AFFAIRS LIKE THIS,

DON'�T YOU THINK, V.S.?

WHEN WE'�RE DANCING
OR SKATING,
I'�M NOT V.S.

YES, VAN.

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

LOOK, CRACK THE WHIP.
ARE YOU GAME?

CERTAINLY.

AH!

[WHITEY SCREAMS]

OH, MY FEET.

HOW DID YOU GET
OUT OF SKATING?

I HAVE A COLD.

LUCKY YOU.

IS THE HUSBAND SKATING
OR THE BOYFRIEND?

THE HUSBAND.

SO IS MINE,
IF I CAN FIND HIM.

THIS IS GOING
PRETTY GOOD.

WERE YOU
HERE LAST YEAR?

YES. I SKATED
LAST YEAR.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN
WITH STANHOPE?

WITH STANHOPE?

OH...3 YEARS.

SAY...
THERE'�S STANHOPE NOW.

WHERE?

OVER THERE.

THE MAN
WITH THE BEARD?

OH, HE'�S VERY
INTERESTING.

THAT'�S MY HUSBAND.

OH.

OH, SEE HIM?
THAT'�S STANHOPE
OVER THERE.

THE GOOD-LOOKING ONE.

HE IS GOOD-LOOKING,
ISN'�T HE?

?
WHO'�S THAT WITH HIM

HIS SECRETARY.

HE'�S MARRIED,
ISN'�T HE?

SO IS MY HUSBAND,

BUT HIS SECRETARY'�S 40
IF SHE'�S A DAY.

AHH!

[LAUGHING]

[WALTZ BEGINS]

YOU'�RE NOT GOING, LINDA?

TELL VAN I'�LL BE
WAITING FOR HIM
IN THE CAR.

CERTAINLY.

THANK YOU.

OH, WHAT FUN!

YOU KNOW, NEXT YEAR
I'�D LIKE TO SURPRISE HIM

AND DO
SOME FIGURE SKATING.

YEAH. YOUR FIGURE
WAS DOING ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WENT OVER PRETTY BIG
WITH STANHOPE,
DIDN'�T IT?

DARLING,
YOU'�RE KIDDING,
AREN'�T YOU?

I TOLD YOU ONCE THAT
KNOWING MILLIONAIRES
LIKE HIM SPOILED YOU...

FOR GUYS
LIKE ME, ANYWAY.

DAVE.

MAYBE I MEANT IT WOULD
EVENTUALLY SPOIL YOU
FOR YOURSELF.

YOU'�VE BEEN SITTING HERE
THINKING THAT?

OH, I'�VE BEEN A CHUMP.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT IT ALL ALONG.

I'�VE GOT TAXI FARE
HOME, DAVE.

AND I DON'�T NEED
YOUR RING EITHER.

I GUESS YOU NEVER
NEEDED IT...

FOR ANYTHING.

Everyone: WHOA!

LINDA'�S WAITING
FOR YOU IN THE CAR.

OH. OH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

STAY AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

BUT IF ONLY YOU'�RE
5 MINUTES LATE TOMORROW
MORNING, YOU'�RE FIRED.

Man: GOOD OLD BOSS.
JUST A MINUTE. YOU SAID
YOU'�D GIVE ME A MINUTE.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

MISS MILLER'�S HUSBAND
IS TAKING HER TO EUROPE,

AND SHE'�S LEAVING A HOLE
THAT WE WON'�T BE ABLE
TO FILL VERY EASILY.

NOW, I THOUGHT
IF WHITEY...

IT'�S 10:30, MA'�AM.

THANK YOU,
FINNEY.

HOW IS YOUR COLD,
DEAR?

IT WASN'�T IMPROVED ANY
WAITING OUTSIDE.

OH, I'�M SORRY, DARLING.
I DIDN'�T REALIZE
I WAS SO LONG.

YOU KNOW, LINDA...
I WAS OFFERED A CHANCE

TO DO SOMETHING
UNSELFISH TONIGHT,
AND I DIDN'�T TAKE IT.

WHAT WAS IT?

WELL, ONE OF THE
DEPARTMENT HEADS WANTS
WHITEY FOR AN ASSISTANT,

AND I WOULDN'�T
LET HER GO.

WHY NOT?

WELL, I'�M NOT REALLY
SURE IT'�S A PROMOTION,

AND I'�VE MANAGED
TO CONVINCE MYSELF

THAT SHE'�S MORE VALUABL
E AS MY SECRETARY.

I'�M BEING SELFISH FOR
THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY.

YOU KNOW,
IT'�S AMAZING HOW A MAN
CAN TWIST LOGIC

TO SUIT HIS OWN ENDS.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE HER THE PROMOTION.

BUT IT'�D TAKE YEARS
TO MAKE ANOTHER WHITEY.

WELL,I'�DAPPRECIATE IT
IF YOU'�D GIVE HER THE JOB.

YOU GALS CERTAINLY
STICK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, YOU'�D RATHER
SEE WHITEY PROMOTED
THAN ME COMFORTABLE.

IT'�S REALLY
MY OWN COMFORT
I'�M THINKING OF.

DO YOU KNOW
THAT I SAT NEXT
TO A YOUNG LADY TONIGHT

WHO DIDN'�T KNOW
I WAS MRS. STANHOPE

AND WAS CONVINCED
THAT WHITEY WAS ONE
OF "THOSE" SECRETARIES?

WHAT?

DID SOMEBODY SAY THAT?

WELL, AFTER ALL, VAN,
SHE IS AN UNCOMMONLY
GOOD-LOOKING GIRL.

I DON'�T KNOW
OF ANYONE IN OUR CROWD
WHO'�S AS ATTRACTIVE,

AND PEOPLE AREN'�T
WILLING TO BELIEVE
THAT LOOKS GO WITH BRAINS.

WELL, ONE OF
THE SMALLEST TROUBLES

WE'�VE EVER HAD, LINDA,
THANK HEAVEN,

IS CARING
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

SHALL I
TELL YOU SOMETHING
VERY FRANKLY, VAN?

I CARE.

PLEASE GIVE HER
THE PROMOTION.

WELL, I CERTAINLY
WOULDN'�T GIVE IT TO HER
FOR THAT REASON,

BECAUSE SOMEONE THINKS
SOMETHING SMUTTY.

WELL, THEN I'�LL ASK IT
FOR ANOTHER REASON,

AS A FAVOR,
AS THOUGH YOU ASKED ME
TO DISMISS SIMPSON.

OH, BUT THAT'�S NOT
A FAIR COMPARISON.

WHITEY'�S DIFFERENT
THAN A SERVANT.

I KNOW, BUT...
OTHER PEOPLE DON'�T
UNDERSTAND THAT.

THEY THINK...
HOW DIFFERENT?

OTHER PEOPLE?
SINCE WHEN
ARE WE CONCERNED

WITH WHAT
OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

LINDA, SOMEONE
HEARING YOU
WOULD THINK

YOU WERE PUTTING ON
AN ACT OF JEALOUSY.

I'�M NOT JEALOUS.

ALTHOUGH MOST WIVES
WOULD HAVE BEEN
A LONG TIME AGO.

OH, HONEY, DARLING.
THIS CONVERSATION'�S
GETTING PRETTY DULL

AND CERTAINLY
UNPLEASANT.

AREN'�T YOU GOING
TO DO IT?

NO, I'�M NOT, DEAR.

TAKE ME TO THE CLUB.
YES, SIR.

JUST A PAIR OF JACKS.

A...PAIR OF KINGS.

HA! HORSESHOE
STANHOPE.

YOU'�RE HOLDING
6 CARDS AGAIN, VAN.

THAT'�S THE THIRD TIME,
SUCKER.

COME AROUND MORE OFTEN.

DON'�T KNOW HOW
THAT HAPPENED.

WHOSE DEAL?

MINE.

MRS. STANHOPE
ON THE PHONE, SIR.

I'�M OUT.

OK.

YES.

VAN...

COME HOME.

DARLING, I'�LL BE
RIGHT THERE!

GOOD NIGHT.

Men, surprised:
GOOD NIGHT.

MY HAT!
MY COAT AND HAT!

HURRY UP! HURRY UP!
COME ON!

HEY, TAXI! TAXI!

COME ON!
COME ON! COME ON!

Driver:
GOOD NIGHT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

DARLING!

IT ALL HAPPENED
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
SO MUCH.

NO, NO, DARLING.
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

NO, NO. IT WAS MINE.
HONEST, IT WAS.

NO, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT WHITEY.

SHE GETS THAT
NEW JOB TOMORROW.
SHE DESERVES IT.

NO, NO, PLEASE.
SHE SHOULD BE
YOUR SECRETARY.

YOU'�RE USED TO HER.
PROMISE ME YOU'�LL
KEEP HER.

DARLING, WE'�RE GOING
ON A LITTLE VACATION--
HAVANA, BERMUDA, NASSAU.

WHEN?

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
YOU GET YOURSELF
A LOT OF NICE THINGS

AND STAND BY
FOR 2 MINUTES'� NOTICE.

OH, MY DARLING.

I SHOULDN'�T HAVE LEFT YOU
OUT IN THAT CAR SO LONG,

THAT POOR LITTLE LINDA
WITH HER LITTLE RUNNY NOSE.

YOU'�LL CATCH MY COLD.

WHO, ME?

I NEVER CAUGHT
A COLD IN MY LIFE.

AH-CHOO!

Whitey: OH, YOU'�VE
GOT A COLD, V.S.,

AND ON SUCH A NICE
MORNING. IT MUST
BE MADDENING.

PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
IT'�S WORTH
A MILLION DOLLARS.

UNDERWOOD SENT YOU
OVER THENATIONAL
WEEKLYDATA,

AND I PUT IT IN
YOUR LITTLE SAFE.

THAT'�S FINE.

WE GOT MOST
OF THE FIGURES,

BUT I IMAGINE
IT'�LL TAKE US
AT LEAST A WEEK

TO GET EVERYTHING
TOGETHER FOR
THE BOARD MEETING.

WHAT IS IT?
WHAT'�S THE MATTER?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST NOTICING
SOMETHING.

WHAT?

THERE'�S AN OLD
CHINESE PROVERB
THAT SAYS,

"IF YOU WANT
TO KEEP A MAN HONEST,
NEVER CALL HIM A LIAR."

WELL, I DON'�T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT CHINAMEN,

BUT I DO KNOW YOU'�VE
GOT A GOOD WEEK'�S WORK

GETTING THOSE FIGURES
TOGETHER.

YES, ALL RIGHT.
SET ASIDE AN HOUR
EVERY AFTERNOON.

AND FOR THE FINAL
COMPILATION,

YOU'�D BETTER HIRE
YOUR OWN PRIVATE
LITTLE AUDITOR

FROM THE OUTSIDE,
YOU KNOW.

YES, V.S.

AND PUT ALL THOSE PAPERS
IN THE LITTLE SAFE.

I SAID I DID.

[DOOR CLOSES]

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

WILL MR. STANHOPE TAKE
THE HAVANA CALL NOW?

I CAN'�T CALL HIM
FOR A MINUTE YET.

ASK THE OPERATOR
TO HOLD THE CALL.

11,300...

31,600...

10,000.

GIVE ME
A TOTAL ON THAT.

WELL, IT DOESN'�T LOOK
AS THOUGH THE OLD RASCAL

EXAGGERATED
HIS CIRCULATION FIGURES.

3,200,000 COPIES,
FOR A ROUGH ESTIMATE.

IS THAT IT?

WELL, ABOUT.
I'�M A THOUSAND OR S
O OFF, I'�M AFRAID.

THAT AUDITOR
YOU'�RE BRINGING IN
CAN GIVE YOU THE REAL SHAKE.

HOUR'�S UP, WHITEY.
LET'�S QUIT.

WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOUR BOARD
OF DIRECTORS WILL THINK

ABOUT YOUR BUYING
NATIONAL WEEKLY?

OH, I CAN HANDLE THEM,

BUT I'�M JUST THINKING,
PERHAPS THAT OLD FOX
UNDERWOOD

MIGHT BE GIVING ME
TOO MUCH ROPE.

OH, A COME-ON,
HUH?

EXACTLY. HE FINDS OUT
WHETHER I'�M GOING
TO BUY OR NOT,

AND THEN HE SUBMITS
A PROPOSITION
TO HANSON HOUSE,

WHO WILL PROBABLY
PAY TWICE AS MUCH
AS WE CAN AFFORD

JUST TO KEEP
STANHOPE OUT OF
THE LOW-PRICE FIELD.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I WONDER.

YES? PUT HIM ON,
PLEASE.

IT'�S HARRINGTON
FROM HAVANA.

HELLO.

HELLO, HAL. HOW'�S
YOUR STOMACHACHE?

WHY, IT'�S...
IT'�S FINE.

IN FACT, I HAVEN'�T
GOT IT ANYMORE.

NO, NO. I HAVE
SOMETHING ELSE,
THOUGH.

BUT IT ISN'�T
A STOMACHACHE.

WELL, THE DOCTOR
SAYS THAT IT'�S
APPENDICITIS,

AND IN 20 MINUTES,

HE'�S GOING TO
TAKE THIS EMPLOYEE
OF YOURS

AND PUT HIM
UNDER ETHER.

I'�M SORRY IT HAD
TO HAPPEN AT A TIME
LIKE THIS, V.S.,

WITH THE CONVENTION
JUST STARTING.

NOW, DON'�T YOU
WORRY, HAL.

YOU JUST RELAX
AND TAKE YOUR TIME
ABOUT COMING BACK.

YES, YOU BETTER STAY
DOWN THERE A COUPLE WEEKS.

IT'�LL DO YOU GOOD.

THAT'�S ALL RIGHT.
KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

GOOD-BYE.

THAT'�S TOUGH.
APPENDICITIS.

OH.

AND ONLY YESTERDAY
HE WAS SITTING HERE

COMPLAINING OF HAVING
A STOMACHACHE.

WELL, WHO'�S
GOING TO COVER
THE CONVENTION NOW?

I DON'�T KNOW.
WE'�LL SEND MILLER,
I GUESS.

V.S., I THINK
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
FOR YOU TO GO YOURSELF.

ME? I HAVEN'�T DONE
THAT IN YEARS.
THAT'�S WORK.

UNDERWOOD'�S THERE,
YOU KNOW.

HEY, WHAT'�S
THE MATTER WITH ME?
OF COURSE HE IS.

IF YOUR WORRY
ABOUT HANSON HOUSE
HAS ANY BASIS,

IT WOULDN'�T
DO ANY HARM

TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND
A BIT, WOULD IT?

WHITEY, YOU'�RE
A MODERN MATA HARI.

THIS WILL BE
A GOOD EXCUSE
FOR BEING THERE, TOO.

BOOK ME ON THE FIRST
PLANE TO HAVANA

AND CALL MRS. STANHOPE
AND TELL HER TO HAVE
MY THINGS READY.

YES, SIR!

[KEY RATTLING]

GOOD-BYE, ELLEN.

GOOD-BYE, MADAM.

I'�VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THAT CALL
FOR 2 WEEKS.

I KNEW EVERYTHING
I WAS GOING TO PACK.

I'�VE BEEN
OVER IT IN MY MIND
A DOZEN TIMES.

I HAVE A SPECIAL
REASON FOR WANTING
TO GO ON THIS TRIP.

WHY?

WELL,
WE HAD A FIGHT,
SORT OF.

IT WAS MY FAULT,

AND YOU'�VE BEEN
SO BUSY,

I HAVEN'�T HAD
A CHANCE TO MAKE
IT UP TO YOU.

I WANT THIS
TO BE A SORT OF
SECOND HONEYMOON.

OH, MY DARLING.

YOU KNOW, LINDA,

SOMETIMES I JUST SIT
IN THE OFFICE AND
THINK ABOUT US...

AND I TRY TO BE
VERY FAIR ABOUT IT,
AND I AM, TOO.

AND I SAY TO MYSELF,

"WHO ARE YOU TO THINK THAT
YOU'�RE ENTITLED TO LINDA?

ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH
FOR HER?"

THEN I SAY
TO MYSELF, "NO."

THEN I SAY TO MYSELF,
"WELL, WHOISENTITLED
TO HER?

IS ANYBODY GOOD ENOUGH
FOR HER?"

THEN I SAY
TO MYSELF, "NO."

THEN I SAY TO MYSELF,

"WELL, YOU'�RE
AS LITTLE ENTITLED
TO HER AS ANYBODY ELSE,

SO YOU HOLD RIGHT ON."

AND I'�M HOLDING.

HA HA. SO YOU
THINKYOU'�REDOING
THE HOLDING, HUH?

IF YOU EVER LET GO,

YOU'�LL FIND OUT
WHOM'�S ATTACHED
TO WHO.

[CHUCKLES]

HOW LONG ARE WE
STAYING IN HAVANA?
A WHOLE WEEK?

NO, DEAR.

OH, I DON'�T CARE

IF IT'�S ONLY
A FEW DAYS.

WE JUST WON'�T
GO TO SLEEP,
THAT'�S ALL.

LINDA...

HARRINGTON'�S HAVING
HIS APPENDIX OUT IN HAVANA
RIGHT THIS MINUTE,

AND SOMEBODY HAS TO BE
AT THAT ADVERTISING
CONVENTION.

DON'�T SAY
I'�M NOT GOING.

BUT, DARLING, THIS
ISN'�T OUR HAVANA TRIP.

WE'�RE STILL GOING
TO HAVE IT,

AND NOT FOR 2 DAYS,
BUT FOR 2 WEEKS.

.
I DON'�T MIND 2 DAYS

I JUST FEEL
LIKE GOING NOW.

TAKE ME ALONG, JAKE.

OH, BUT, DARLING.
I WOULDN'�T HAVE
ANY TIME FOR YOU,

NOT REALLY.

I'�LL HAVE TO BE
AT THE CONVENTION
DURING THE DAY

AND WITH UNDERWOOD
AT NIGHT.

WELL, I DON'�T WANT
MUCH TIME, REALLY.

I JUST WANT TO SEE
YOU FOR 5 MINUTES
EVERY DAY

WHILE
YOU'�RE SHAVING.

OH, DARLING...

I'�M GOING TO
MISS YOU SO MUCH.

CALL ME EVERY DAY.

AT 7:00.

TWICE A DAY.

Van: TWICE A DAY.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

WON'�T YOU SIT DOWN,
MR. JENKINS?

YEAH. THANK YOU.

THE JOB IS
PERSONAL AUDITOR
FOR MR. STANHOPE.

HAVE YOU EVER
KEPT BOOKS OUTSIDE
OF COMPANY ACCOUNTS?

YES, MA'�AM,
FOR MR. HAROLD STONE,

THE DEPARTMENT STORE
MAN.

I HAVE REFERENCES
FROM HIM.

THE AGENCY SAYS
YOU LAST WORKED FOR
A PUBLISHING CONCERN.

WHICH ONE?

UH, HANSON HOUSE.

HOW LONG
WERE YOU THERE?

UH, 2 WEEKS.

BUT THAT'�S ALL
I WAS HIRED FOR.

THERE WERE
HALF A DOZEN OF US

WHO HAD TO COMPILE
SOME SPECIAL DATA

ONNATIONAL WEEKLY.

WHAT SORT OF WORK
WAS IT?

WHY, I THOUGHT IT WAS
SIMILAR TO A BALANCE SHEET,

BUT NOT EXACTLY.

WE HAD THE RETURNS
FROM THE NEWS AGENCIES

THROUGHOUT
THE COUNTRY,

AND THEN WE WENT
THROUGH THE ADVERTISING
OF THE LAST 2 YEARS

IN ORDER TO FIND OUT
THEIR REVENUE

AS BEST WE COULD,

NOT KNOWING THEIR
ACTUAL CONTRACT RATES.

YES, I SEE.
THAT'�S USUAL. WE
DO THAT OURSELVES.

YES, MA'�AM.

YOU CAN START
WORK TOMORROW.

MISS CONNORS
WILL TAKE YOU
TO THE CASHIER.

THANK YOU, MA'�AM.

FIND OUT THE EXACT TIME
MR. STANHOPE'�S PLANE
ARRIVES IN HAVANA.

I'�M SORRY.
HE ISN'�T IN YET.

THE PLANE MIGHT BE
A FEW MINUTES LATE.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

MR. STANHOPE'�S CARD
JUST CAME THROUGH.

HE'�S ON HIS WAY TO
HIS ROOM NOW. WILL
YOU HOLD THE WIRE?

YES, I WILL.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
A MOMENT, MARY?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

YES. HELLO.

ALL RIGHT.
PUT HIM ON.

HELLO? YES,
HELLO, WHITEY.

WHAT'�S THE MATTER?

WHAT?!

WHAT OTHER REASON
COULD IT BE?

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN
THE NET CIRCULATION FIGURES
FROM THE POST OFFICE,

AND THEY CHECKED UP
ON THE ADVERTISING SPACE
EXACTLY AS WE DID.

YOU'�RE RIGHT.

YOU'�RE RIGHT.

STAY ON THE WIRE.

WOULD YOU CARE
FOR SOME FRUIT, SIR?

NO. THAT'�S ALL, BOYS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

WHITEY, YOU DON'�T MIND
FLYING, DO YOU?

OH, NO.

WELL, GET ALL THOSE PAPERS
OUT OF THE SAFE,

AND TAKE THE FIRST PLANE
DOWN HERE

BECAUSE UNDERWOOD'�S HERE,
NOT IN NEW YORK.

AND HURRY IT UP,
TOOTS.

WELL, HOW'�D
YOU LIKE IT?

[SHOUTING]
I LIKED IT FINE.

[CHUCKLES]

HA HA! OH, MY.

WELL, WHITEY,
AS USUAL,

YOU BROUGHT THE MESSAGE
TO GARCIA.

ALL IN THE LINE
OF DUTY, SIR.

BUT WHAT'�S
GARCIA GOING TO DO?

HE'�S GOING TO ACT
LIKE THAT, SIR.

OBVIOUSLY, UNDERWOOD'�S
BEEN FEELING OUT HANSON
HOUSE, THE OLD CROOK.

YOU AND I ARE GOING
TO STOP ALL THAT.

WE'�RE GOING TO SWEEP HIM
RIGHT OFF HIS FEET,

RIGHT HERE
IN THE DUST OF HAVANA.

HOW, V.S.?

IF I SHOULD GET YOU
EVERY AVAILABLE TYPEWRITER

AND ABOUT A DOZEN TYPISTS
WHO ARE WILLING TO DIE
FOR THE CAUSE,

DO YOU THINK THAT
YOU COULD TURN OUT
A HANDSOMELY BOUND CONTRACT

TO PRESENT TO MR. UNDERWOOD
BY TOMORROW NIGHT?

WE'�LL HAVE TO.

THAT'�S ALL
I WANT TO KNOW.

NOW, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
ARE YOU TIRED OR HUNGRY?

I DON'�T KNOW.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

.
1:00.
THEN I'�M HUNGRY

MISS WILSON'�S
RESERVATION.

Man: YES, MR. STANHOPE.

OH, HELLO, TOM.

WHY, VAN, I NEVER EXPECTED
TO SEE YOU COVERING
A CONVENTION AGAIN.

WELL, I AM. BUSINESS
IS WHERE YOU CAN
FIND IT THESE DAYS.

MISS WILSON, MAY I
PRESENT TOM AXEL,

REPRESENTING HANSON
HOUSE. YOU NEEDN'�T
BE COURTEOUS TO HIM.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DOYOUDO?
I'�VE SPOKEN TO YOU
OVER THE PHONE.

YES, I REMEMBER.

I'�LL SEE YOU
LATER, TOM.

SO LONG.
SO LONG.

MM-HMM.

BUSINESS IS WHERE
HE CAN FIND IT...
AND THAT'�S NO LIE.

HEY, IT'�S 8:30.
WHAT TIME'�S THAT
FEATURE PICTURE GO ON?

YOU BETTER CALL UP.

I GOT TO HURRY.

YOU CAN'�T USE
THE PHONE. SHE'�S
EXPECTING A CALL.

OH, THAT
WAS AT 7:00.

BUT IT HASN'�T
COME THROUGH YET.

[CLOCK STRIKING]

WE REVERT TO
THE ORIGINAL CORPORATION.

OH, I CAN'�T DO
ANYMORE, WHITEY.

I'�M ALL FAGGED OUT.

CAREFUL
OF THOSE PAPERS.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU BETTER
GET SOME REST.

4:00. 4 HOURS SLEEP,
BREAKFAST,

SPEECH AT 9:00,
AND BACK AT IT AT 11:00.

DO YOU THINK WE CAN
FINISH IT BY TONIGHT?

I THINK SO.

OH, YOU BETTER GET
SOME SLEEP, TOO.

I'�LL JUST TYPE
SOME SHEETS.

WHY CAN'�T THEY
DO THAT?

WELL, THERE ARE SOME
SHEETS I DON'�T THIN
K THEY SHOULD TYPE.

OH...SMART GIRL.

[TYPING]

YOU BETTER GO
TO MY ROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT,
AND GOOD MORNING.

SLEEP TIGHT.

Man: ...FINE PROFESSION
OF ADVERTISING,

A CONTRIBUTION
TO AMERICAN CIVILIZATION,

A GREAT CONTRIBUTION.

IN EVERY HOME ARE
A THOUSAND AND ONE NECESSITIES--

NECESSITIES, MIND YOU,
WHICH THE WORLD WOULD
NEVER HAVE HAD

WITHOUT THE BENEFICIAL
FORCE OF ADVERTISING.

WHEN ARE YOU
GOING HOME?

TOMORROW MORNING.

I'�D LIKE TO
SEE YOU TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT?

SOMETHING
IMPORTANT.

YOUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS

DOESN'�T MEET
UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY.

I DON'�T NEED
THE BOARD
OF DIRECTORS.

OH. IS 7:00 ALL RIGHT?

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

AND 15 MINUTES
TO SPARE.

YOU BETTER GET
SOME SLEEP, WHITEY.

OH, I'�M NOT
TIRED ANYMORE.

I WAS A WHILE BACK,
4 OR 5 HOURS AGO,

BUT NOW I DON'�T
THINK I'�LL EVER
SLEEP AGAIN

AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED
IS A GOOD, STIFF DRINK.

THERE'�S SOMETHING
IN THAT.

LOTS OF LUCK, V.S.

THANKS, WHITEY.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

[STRIKING]

[STRIKING]

[STRIKING]

IT'�S ALL A MATTER
OF PSYCHOLOGY, J.D.

IF I CAN GO
TO THEM TUESDAY

AND TELL THEM THAT
I'�VE CLOSED THE DEAL,

THEY'�LLWANTTO FEEL
IT'�S ALL RIGHT,

BUT IF I'�VE GOT TO
PUT IT UP TO THEM,

THEY'�LL START ARGUING
AND DECIDING AND WORRYING,

AND, WELL, WE'�LL
NEVER GET TOGETHER.

I KNOW IT, J.D.
I'�VE WATCHED IT
HAPPEN A DOZEN TIMES.

YEAH, BUT TO SIT
HERE IN A HOTEL ROOM

AND CLOSE A DEAL AS
BIG AS THIS? WE HAVE
LAWYERS IN NEW YORK.

WHAT GOOD ARE LAWYERS?
WE'�RE MAKING THE DEAL!

[LIVELY DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Van: MAY I
JOIN YOU, MADAME?

WHAT HAPPENED, V.S.?

[CHUCKLES]

I'�M SO HAPPY
FOR YOU.

I KNOW YOU ARE,
WHITEY.

HOW MANY DRINKS HAS
THIS YOUNG LADY HAD?

4,SENOR.

4. WELL, BRING ME
ONE RYE WITH 4 ON
THE SIDE FOR THE PRESENT.

SI�, SENOR.

WHITEY...TONIGHT
WE LET LOOSE.

YOUR PARTY DOESN'�T ANSWER.
SHOULD I KEEP TRYING?

YES, PLEASE.

[STRIKING]

[CLUNK]

WHOA.

[VAN CHUCKLES]

YOU PROBABLY THINK
I'�M DRUNK, DON'�T YOU?

NO.

WELL, YOU SHOULD
BECAUSE I AM.

THANK YOU FOR
A LOVELY EVENING.

THANKYOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

NO, NOT GOOD.

JUST FAIR.

I DON'�T THINK I OUGHT
TO LEAVE MY NOTES
SCATTERED AROUND.

WHY DON'�T YOU
LIE DOWN?

YOU'�RE
A BIT WOOZY.

MM-HMM.

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

IT'�S UNLUCKY
TO BE IN BED
WITH YOUR SHOES ON,

.
BUT I CAN'�T HELP IT

WE'�VE HAD AN AWFUL
LOT TO DRINK.

YES, WE HAVE.

THAT'�S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU BETTER BEAT IT.

THINK I'�LL HAVE
SOMETHING TO EAT.

SEND UP A POT
OF BLACK COFFEE
AND A CLUB SANDWICH.

YES, MR. STANHOPE.

MR. STANHOPE CAN TAKE
THE NEW YORK CALL NOW.

WILL YOU TAKE
THE HAVANA CALL NOW?

YES.

HELLO?

I'�LL HOLD ON.

[RING]

YES?

HELLO?

HELLO.

EVEN IN HAVANA.

HAVE YOU BEEN
DISCONNECTED?

I THINK SO.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

YES?

Operator: WERE YOU DISCONNECTED
FROM YOUR NEW YORK CALL?

IT'�S
A NEW YORK CALL.

WHAT?

LINDA. GET HER
BACK ON THE PHONE.

PLEASE GET
THE NEW YORK PARTY BACK.

THE NUMBER'�S
REGENT 41644.

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

Van:
LINDA. LINDA!

DO YOU HEAR ME?
ANSWER ME!

[RING]

[RING]

THE NEW YORK
OPERATOR REPORTS
THE NUMBER

TEMPORARILY
OUT OF ORDER.

I'�M TERRIBLY SORRY.

THAT'�S ALL RIGHT,
WHITEY.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.
VERY GLAD TO SEE
YOU BACK, SIR.

MRS. STANHOPE
AWAKE, SIMPSON?

YES, SIR. HER TRAY
WENT UP 20 MINUTES AGO.

[HANDLE CLICKS]

[KNOCKS SOFTLY]

GOOD MORNING, ELLEN.
WHERE'�S MRS. STANHOPE?

SHE'�S IN THE BATH,
SIR.

TELL HER THAT
I'�M WAITING FOR HER
IN THE BREAKFAST ROOM.

OH, MRS. STANHOPE'�S
HAD HER BREAKFAST,
SIR.

I THINK SIMPSON'�S
SERVING YOURS
IN THE DINING ROOM.

WELL, TELL MRS. STANHOPE
THAT I'�M BACK AND
I'�D LIKE TO SEE HER.

YES, SIR.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

GOOD MORNING.

YOU GOING OUT?

YES. I HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT

AT THE HAIRDRESSER'�
S AT 9:30.

THAT'�S RATHER EARLY
FOR YOU, ISN'�T IT?

WELL, HAIRDRESSERS
ARE VERY ARROGANT,
YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE
WHAT YOU CAN GET.

ARE YOU DINING
AT HOME TONIGHT?

WELL, YES, NATURALLY.

[RING]

YES, MADAM.

SIMPSON, TELL MOLLY
THERE'�LL BE DINNER FOR ONE.

I WON'�T BE ABLE TO PLAN
WITH HER NOW.

I'�M LATE
FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

VERY WELL, MADAM.

I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU BEFORE
YOU GO OUT.

CAN'�T IT WAIT
TILL LATER?

NO, IT CAN'�T.

LINDA, WHY DO YOU
TREAT ME LIKE THIS?

I TREATYOU?

YOU'�LL HAVE TO
LISTEN TO ME.

HELEN WILSON
FLEW DOWN TO HAVANA
THE DAY AFTER I DID.

SHE DISCOVERED
SOMETHING ABOUT--

WELL, ABOUT
MYNATIONAL WEEKLY
DEAL.

I'�VE TAKEN OVER
NATIONAL WEEKLY,

AND, WELL, IT'�S
ABOUT THE BIGGEST
THING I'�VE EVER DONE.

AND A SITUATION
DEVELOPED WHEREBY,

WELL, I HAD TO CLOSE
THE DEAL IN HAVANA.

WELL, YOU SEE,
WE DISCOVERED
THAT HANSON HOUSE--

THEY'�RE PUBLISHERS,
YOU KNOW THAT--

THAT THEY WERE
INVESTIGATING
THE MAGAZINE,

AND UNDERWOOD--
HE'�S THE OWNER--

WON'�T YOU TRY
AND UNDERSTAND?

I CAN MAKE IT CLEAR
TO YOU.

IT IS CLEAR...

PERFECTLY CLEAR.

YOU MEAN YOU DON'�T
CARE TO BELIEVE
ANYTHING I TELL YOU,