All language subtitles for The Desaster (1995)

Heaven, I'm in heaven

And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak

And I seem to find the happiness I seek

When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek

Heaven, I'm in heaven

And the cares that hung
around me through the week

Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak

When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek

Oh, I love to climb a mountain

And to reach the highest peak

But it doesn't thrill me half as much

As dancing cheek to cheek

Oh, I love to go out fishing

In a river or a creek

But I don't enjoy it half as much

As dancing cheek to cheek

Dance with me

I want my arm about you

The charm about you

Will carry me through to heaven

I'm in heaven

And my heart...

Oh, Cecilia, be careful. Are you all right?

Yes.

You're gonna like this one.
It's better than last week.

It's more romantic.

Miss, I wanted
oatmeal before my scrambled eggs.

Oh, sorry, I'll get it right away. Sorry.

Can I get cereal, too, and a doughnut.

Oh, cereal and a doughnut, right.

Listen, there's a new movie at the Jewel
starting tonight.

I didn't even get to see last week's.

Oh, you missed it? It was wonderful.

I love Jane Froman,
and James Melton plays...

First he's a hotel
porter and then he becomes a radio singer

and then he becomes an opera singer.

The music was just beautiful.

You know the one
that I like is, Okay, America!

Oh, yeah, I saw that twice. That was great,

when she threatens to kill Lew Ayres...

I love Lew Ayres' looks.
Do you think he's married?

Is he married? Are you crazy?

Yes, he's married to Ginger Rogers.

God. They got married
on a boat off the island of Catalina.

They live in Beverly Hills
and sometimes holiday in Spain.

He used to be married to Lola Lane,
but Ginger's better for him.

- She's so lovely.
- Where's my toast?

Oh. Coming right up, one second.

- Ginger used to be married to Jack...
- Let's go, girls.

- Let's go, Cecilia.
- Sorry.

- Your sister is slow.
- But she's still learning.

Ladies, there's a depression on.

There are a lot of
other people who would like this job

- if you can't handle it.
- No, I can handle it.

It's okay.

Ginger used
to be married to Jack Culpepper,

who I think took out
Ruth Chatterton before she married George

Oh, I...

Look,
that's the second one this week.

I'm sorry. I'll pick it all up.

Come on, Cecilia, shape up.

Hand them on. Now, for three pennies.

Hey, Monk. Here comes your wife.

Boy, am I glad to see you.
You got any dough?

Oh, tips weren't so good today.

Come on, give me something. I'm busted.

Hmm. I hear there's some jobs
opening up over at the ice factory.

- No, there's nothing. I was there.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I was there. All right?

Harriet Rufus
says all you guys do all day is just

pitch pennies
and make passes at the girls who walk by.

Well, Harriet Rufus is a douche bag.

Listen, I got to save
the rest for groceries and stuff, okay?

Yeah, okay, yeah, right. You got it?

What are you doing here?

Oh, you want to go to the movies tonight?

There's an early show.

- I can't, I can't.
- How come?

- Well, the guys are coming over tonight.
- Again?

What, you don't like it?

Well, all you do is you drink and play dice,

and I wind up getting smacked.

Well, I got to get even, don't I?

I owe everybody in town.

You're never home anymore
except to play dice and cards.

Meanwhile, I gotta take in extra laundry
after work to pay the rent.

Well, what do you want?
Did I close the factory?

You didn't used to be like this, Monk.

Well, I got a lot on my mind.

You think I like scratching around for work?

Living like a bum the last two years?

I don't know how much
longer I can go on like this, you know.

Listen, the country
will get back working again.

- Things are bound to get better. I promise.
- Yeah.

You know I'm crazy about you, huh?

You never pay any attention to me anymore.

That's why I thought
if we could go to the movies tonight,

you know,
you could forget your troubles a little.

Yeah, yeah, forget my troubles.

Cecilia, you like
sitting through that junk, okay?

- I'm gonna shoot crap, okay?
- Tsk.

Go to the movie by yourself.

You make passes at the girls who go by?

Hey, look, you're not my boss.

And don't give me that look.

You'd think I was a criminal.

Come on, give us a hug, just one, come on.

All right? Good.

And don't come home late.
I worry. All right?

See you later.

Let's go.

Two, please.

Two.

Just one tonight, please, Doris.

Thank you.

Evening, Mr. Ruskin.

Jason, I'm bored.

I'm bored with cocktail parties
and opening nights.

I'm bored with evenings at the Opera
and weekends at the races.

A few days in Paris might be just the thing

to get the creative juices flowing again.

I can have George
cable the Ritz for the usual suite.

I'm not talking about Paris.

I'm talking about someplace
completely different.

Like Morocco or Egypt.

Ooh. A boat trip down the Nile.
Sounds so romantic.

I've got just the dress
to wear to the Pyramids.

Hey, we could leave next week.

Spend a couple of weeks there.

Maybe stop in Casablanca or Tangiers

as long as we're hopping
around and still be back

- in time for the opening of my new play.
- Ooh.

To Cairo and Morocco and Tangiers.

To all the exotic
and romantic places in the world.

- Hey, there's another room in here.
- Oh, isn't it divine?

Everything's so perfectly preserved.

It's quite lovely.
I just don't want to suddenly feel

a bandaged hand around my throat.

Hi there. Who are you?

Oh, we're sightseeing.
We thought we were alone.

You gave me quite a start.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Tom Baxter.

Explorer, adventurer.

I'm doing a little archeological work.

A real life explorer.

I've come in search
of the purple rose of Cairo.

It's an old legend that's
fascinated me for years.

A Pharaoh had a rose
painted purple for his queen

and now the story says,

purple roses grow wild at her tomb.

- How romantic.
- And you?

Ah, we're going back
to New York tomorrow.

It's been a refreshing two weeks.

Say, we should bring him back
to New York to meet the Countess.

- She loves anything in a pith helmet.
- Right.

I will say, it's tempting.

Oh, then it's settled.

You can explain to us what we've been
looking at for the last two weeks.

And we can take you nightclubbing.

It's so impulsive, but I'll come.

Why not? I mean,
what's life without a little risk taking?

Who knows? A fortune teller
predicted I'd fall in love in New York.

Table for six, please, Arturo.

Six, sir.

Now,
ladies and gentlemen, the Copacabana

is proud to present, Miss Kitty Hayne.

Ours could be a different sort of love affair

Where busybodies couldn't help but stare...

Mmm.

I think our poetic little archeologist
is about to make a discovery.

Well, ain't life swell.

Hey, open the champagne.

I feel like getting plushed to the scuppers.

Let's take it one day at a time

And who cares just how it turns out

Ah, check please.
Ah, miss, could I have the check, please?

Come on, the man wants his check.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

So what were you thinking about?

Oh, a penthouse, the desert...

- Oh, God.
- Kissing on a dance floor.

So, you did
go to the movies last night after all.

The people were so beautiful.

- They spoke so cleverly...
- Really?

...and they do such romantic things.

- Listen, well, I mean...
- Ah, I'm sorry I missed it.

The one they've got
playing Tom Baxter, he was so cute.

Hey, you want to go
to the movies after work?

Yes, I'd love to.

- I'd love to see it again.
- Let's go then.

Come on, what is this, a social club?
I got a sink full of dirty dishes.

Come on, girls, come on.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I am impressed! I really am.

You have yourself quite a place here.

You know, I still can't get over
the fact that 24 hours ago,

I was in an Egyptian tomb.

I didn't know any of you wonderful people,
and here I am now.

I'm on the verge of a
madcap Manhattan weekend.

I hope you like your martinis very dry.

Oh, no, no, thanks.

I think I'll wait for
that glass of champagne at the Copacabana.

I'm home, Monk.

What are you doing home so early?

I thought I said you can go to the movies.

Yeah, I did.

I better go.

No, don't, stay. This is Cecilia.

Uh, this is, uh, my friend, Olga.
Olga's an acrobat.

I am not. I have to go home.

Oh, no, come on, come on,

- I was going to tell your fortune here.
- No, you're drunk.

Uh, what do you mean drunk? I'm not drunk.

Come on, don't worry about her.

She's my ball and chain, or she tries to be.

Olga, Olga, where the hell are you going?

Hey, Olga, come on,
I want to show you a card trick.

Olga!

Is there any more of that meatloaf left?

That stuff you made
yesterday was delicious.

- What's going on?
- I'm moving out.

Now what are you talking about?
What's wrong?

What? Because of before?

Because of Olga? Is that it?

Because that would be funny.
That would be ridiculous

I mean, if it's because of Olga,

you'd be making a bigger fool
out of yourself than you usually are.

Pardon me.

She's Joe Caruso's sister.

And I was just showing her a card trick.

Your undershirt's on backwards.

I put it on that way this morning.

Now listen, Cecilia,
you're making a mistake.

All right, I'm sorry.

I was drinking. You know
how I get when I drink, sweetheart.

- You think it means I don't love you?
- Move.

You can't leave.

I need you.

And you know, I love you.

- Now, look, I made a mistake.
- You don't love me.

- Now, baby, come on.
- You don't. You treat me bad,

and you beat up on me.

Look, I hit you when you get out of line,

and I never just hit you.
I always warn you first,

and then if you don't shape up,
you get whacked.

- I'm leaving.
- Now listen, Cecilia,

I don't know who's
filling your head full of these crazy notions,

but I've had enough.

I want supper. Get my meatloaf.

Uh-uh.

Come on, Cecilia,
you know I can't live without you.

I'm like a little kid when it comes to you.

- That's just tough.
- Look, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm really sorry. Can't I be sorry?

I drink, I get crazy.

It's not me. It's the whiskey.

I'm going, Monk, I'm going.

Ah, Jesus Christ, I can't reason with you.

All right, go ahead.
Let's see how far you get.

Go on, go on, you won't last.

You see how it is out in the real world.

Go on, you'll come back.

You're just bluff. You're all phony!

You'll be back. It may take a week,

it may take an hour, but you'll be back.

Oh, jeez, look at all those guys.

Come on, honey, we're gonna make a buck.

I ordered bacon and tomato,
you brought me ham and Swiss.

I'll get it right away, ma'am.

- Cecilia, I want you to meet somebody.
- Who?

Well, remember,
I told you I was going to keep my eyes open

- for eligible men?
- Oh, come on.

- Come on, just keep an open mind.
- Tsk.

This is my sister, Cecilia.
This is Mr. Teddy Ashcroft.

- How do you do?
- Charmed.

Teddy's an exterminator.

Right. Merson's Pest Control.
My specialty are mice and silverfish.

- I'm pleased to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Waitress, please,
my hamburger!

- I'm coming.
- Can we have a check?

I'll be right there. Oh!

That's it.
That's it, Cecilia, you're fired. Get out!

But I'll pay for it. I'll be more careful.

Out. Out.
Take off your apron, go home. You're fired!

If she goes, then I go too.

That's fine with me.

She doesn't mean that. No, you've got kids.

No, she doesn't mean that.

Then tell her to mind her own business.

You're fired.

Ah, back from Egypt.
From the Bedouins to Broadway.

Even though I'm not a religious man,
I hereby vow

never to fly over the Atlantic
in bumpy weather,

and never to look at another camel.
Drinks anyone?

Boy, I can't wait
to get out of these clothes

and hit some of the night spots.

Well, children,
let's not waste any time.

The floor show
at the Copacabana starts in 10 minutes,

and we're meeting
the Countess and Larry Wilde.

Well, I am impressed! I really am.

You have yourself quite a place here.

You know, I still can't get over the fact
that 24 hours ago,

I was in an Egyptian tomb.

I didn't know any of you wonderful people,
and here I am now.

I'm on the verge of a
madcap Manhattan weekend.

I hope you like your martinis very dry.

Oh, no, no, thanks.

I think I'll wait for
that glass of champagne at the Copacabana.

Miss Rita, something on your mind?

'Cause you ain't been yourself since you
come back from them pyramids.

No, it's nothing. I'll be okay.

I don't suspect it has anything to do
with that explorer fella, Mr. Tom Baxter.

Now, why would you say that?

The way he speaks, all romantic-like.

Yeah. Come on, Delilah, draw my bath.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, will you be wanting the big bubbles,
or the asses' milk?

Boy, I can't wait to get out of these clothes

and hit some of the night spots.

Well, children, let's not waste any time.

The floor show
at the Copacabana starts in 10 minutes,

and we're meeting
the Countess and Larry Wilde.

Well, I am very impressed. I really am.

You have yourself quite a place here.

You know, I still can't get over the fact
that 24 hours ago,

I was in an Egyptian tomb.

I didn't know any of you wonderful people,

and here I am now. I'm on the verge
of a madcap Manhattan weekend.

My God, you must really love this picture.

- Me?
- You've been here all day,

and I've seen you here twice before.

- You mean me?
- Yes, you, you. You've...

This is the fifth time you're seeing this.

Henry, come here, quickly.

I gotta speak to you.

Listen, old sport,
you're on the wrong side.

Tom, get back here,

- we're in the middle of a story!
- Leave me alone.

I want to have a look around.
You go on without me.

- We can't continue with the story!
- Who are you?

Cecilia.

I'll go get the manager!

Let's get out of here
and go somewhere where we can talk.

But you're in the movie!

Wrong, Cecilia, I'm free!

After 2,000 performances
of the same monotonous routine, I'm free!

- Call Father Donnelly.
- Tom!

I don't understand. What's going on?

- Who are you?
- Who am I?

You've seen the movie five times.
I'm Tom Baxter.

Poet, adventurer, explorer,
of the Chicago Baxters.

Well, yes, I know you're Tom Baxter.

You wind up with Kitty Haynes,
the nightclub singer,

- but still, I don't...
- Not anymore, I don't have to.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I'm out before the wedding. I'm free.

Don't you have to marry her?

Not while I'm here and she's up there.

Don't you want to? She's so beautiful.

She's not for me. She's too bony.

Kitty Haynes, the nightclub singer, is bony?

I need a place to hide!

Look, I'm never going back,
now that I've met you.

A place to hide? A place to hide?

What's happening? What's going on?

Tom's left. He just walked right out.

I don't know how he did it. I can't get out.

This is just disgusting.

I am an heiress
and I don't have to put up with this!

He left the picture?

Oh, my gosh. Well, don't panic.

Just stay up there and keep calm.

Keep calm?

Are you crazy?
What do you mean, "keep calm"?

- Somebody call for a priest?
- Thank God you're here.

- Wait a minute, this is the second reel.
- That's the point.

- I'm not on till later.
- Tom's gone.

Can't you go on? There's an audience.

How?
Tom was the linchpin of the story.

That's right! Whoever you are, you see, sir,

although this is basically my story,

- Tom moves the exposition along.
- What do you mean, your story?

It's not your story,

it's the story
of a man's quest for self-fulfillment.

- It's the story of a complex, tortured soul.
- Oh, stop that...

It's story of the effect of money
on true romance...

I don't think money comes into it.

...my upbringing, my wealth,
my private schools.

I'm the one who marries royalty.

- I'm the one...
- Nobody cares...

A humble kid...
What do you mean, they don't care?

They wouldn't
sell a ticket if it were your story.

- Stop arguing.
- And do what?

Maybe you should just
turn the projector off.

No! No! Don't turn the projector off!

No! No, it gets black and we disappear.

- Calm down...
- Easy, easy. Easy, easy.

Easy, my son. We're all in this together.

Yes, but you don't
understand what it's like to disappear

and to be nothing, to be annihilated.

So don't turn the projector off.

Miss Rita, your bath is ready.

- Not now, dear.
- Well, what's going on?

- Come in and sit down, Delilah.
- Be quiet, Delilah.

Well, what's he doing here?

- Have a martini.
- He's not supposed to be here till reel six.

- We know that, Delilah.
- What the hell is going on?

Is somebody trying to hustle me?

They're not trying to hustle you.

Hey, I know what this is,
it's an amusement park!

Yeah, it's usually pretty dead
around here until summer.

I know exactly what an amusement park is,

- and what goes on. I do!
- Well, good.

It's written into my character.

Remember, I invite Kitty to Luna Park,

but she prefers just to stay home and talk?

- Oh, yes.
- So, it's in me!

Oh, too bad nothing's open. I'm starved!

- Oh, you are?
- Well, yeah,

I, uh, left the movie
before the Copacabana scene.

- So that's when I usually eat.
- Oh, wait a minute,

what am I thinking?
Look, here, I've got a whole bag of popcorn.

- You can have that.
- Oh, wow.

Also, I have a Milky Way bar you might...

- No, that's, popcorn is...
- You might want it later.

Boy!

So that's what popcorn tastes like.

I've been watching
people eat it for all those performances.

When they rattle
those bags, though, that's, uh...

- That's not...
...kind of annoying.

I still don't understand what's going on.

I wanted to meet you.

Don't tell me you
didn't see me looking at you

just out of the corner of my eye.

When Kitty Haynes
was doing her nightclub number?

Oh, wait a minute,
I did, I remember seeing you kind of...

You were looking
off to the side, somehow, but...

- Sure.
- I never thought it was to me.

Yeah, when we
take the drive to that little country inn?

When I propose to Kitty?
I was looking at you.

Oh, no, Kitty
looked so beautiful in that black dress.

Oh, no, she's nothing compared to you.

What are you talking about? I'm nothing.

Like hell you are. You are fetching.

- Fetching?
- Fetching.

Dad liked to use that word
about Mom back in Chicago.

"Man!" he'd say, "You're rather fetching."

Dad was a card.

I never met him.
He died before the movie begins.

I have to confess.
My eye did always go to you

- up on the screen. Really.
- Really?

Even when I'm around Detective Sims
and Henry Adams, the playboy.

Yes, even though
you're not the main character,

you're the one you look at.

You don't think I'm the main character.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way. No!

I think you were positively essential.

In fact, every time
I saw the movie I kept thinking,

"Tom Baxter's so handsome."

Shouldn't you be getting back?

I want to live.
I want to be free to make my own choices.

Right now,
the country's not in such great shape.

- What do you mean?
- Well, we're in the middle of a depression.

Everybody's very poor...

I got plenty, look at this!

But, they need you.
The story doesn't work without you.

Cecilia, I'm in love with you.

I'm married...

Happily?

I really should get back home.
I have to cook dinner.

Just slip away from your husband tonight.

Meet me here. I'll wait for you.

I want to learn
about the real world with you.

I can't.

Well, look at it this way.

How many times
is a man so taken with a woman

that he walks off the screen to get her?

Okay, okay, let's not panic. We're all adults.

Bored of sitting around.
I'm a dramatic character.

I need forward motion.

Here comes the Countess and Larry.

Where is everybody?

Weren't we meeting at the Copacabana?

- Tom's gone.
- What?

- He left the film.
- What?

The bum walked out on us.

But the Copa
is where the two of us meet.

I'm trying to get him to marry me.

Forget it. I'm tired
of marrying you every night anyway.

We never even get to the bedroom.

- Where did Tom go?
- Into the real world.

That two-bit minor character
leaves and we're stuck.

I wonder what it's like out there.

They don't look like
they're having too much fun to me.

Hey, what the hell kind of movie is this?

The paper said it was a romance,
set all over the world!

Look, don't tell us your sad stories.
You think we like this?

Look at this.
They sit around and talk, and no action?

- Nothing happens?
- I want my money back.

- This is outrageous!
- Shh. Why don't you stop yapping?

We've got problems of our own.

You can't talk to my wife like that.

Who do you think you are?

I'm a genuine Countess with a lot of dough,

and if that's your wife, she's a tub of guts.

Hey, what are you so nervous about?

Oh, I'm not.

There's too much pepper in the sauce.

I told you to go easy on the pepper.

Hey, Monk?

Are you, uh...

I guess you and the guys
are probably going out again tonight, huh?

No, I'm not. My back is acting up again.

You gotta give me one
of your special rubdowns. I bought liniment.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Well, I can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean I can't, I mean,

I made some plans, I...

You made plans?

Well, I did. I said I'd...

I'd baby-sit tonight.

I... You know, I ran
into Mrs. Lorenzo and, in the...

I'm saying in the restaurant,
in the street today...

And she has some, you know, I don't know,

I think it was social club meeting or
something she wanted to go to...

Yeah, it won't be too long.

- Yeah, well, I think it's a great idea.
- Yeah?

- Good. Yeah.
- Yeah, because we can use every penny.

All right, so what am I going to do
about my back?

Oh well, don't worry.
You know, I can do some now,

and I'll do some when I come in...

You shouldn't move around too much,
just kind of take it easy.

Well, if you're
gonna go baby-sitting, get paid in cash.

- I will. Okay.
- Don't let her owe you.

It's a miracle, a complete miracle!

We want our money back!

I don't pay to watch
those socialites sitting around up there,

and staring back at us,
making nasty remarks.

Is that what they're doing now?

Well, the last time I looked,
the priest had a deck of cards,

and the men were playing pinochle.

How did this first happen?

Well, it's probably all the electrical
storms we had this evening.

The air is charged.

Look, fellas, I depend on the Jewel,

I got personal expenses,
I've got no substitute picture to put in here.

I want my money back! This is a swindle!

There's no story. Mrs. Lupus likes a story.

I still think you should
turn the projector off and shut down.

This could be the work of Reds,
or anarchists.

You can't do that.
If he turns off the projector,

you're liable to strand
this Tom Baxter out in the world someplace.

You want an extra guy running around?

I saw the movie just last week.
This is not what happens!

Where is the Tom Baxter character?

You'll get your money back.

I want what happened
in the movie last week to happen this week,

otherwise what's life all about anyway?

Can't we just go in and take a look?

We don't want to stay long.

If you want to see it,
you have to pay admission.

Okay, keep moving, folks!

Any word about Tom Baxter?

Nothing yet.

So what are you people doing here?

We can't continue
the story till Tom gets back.

Oh, we don't mind observing you all.

Yes, my husband
is a student of the human personality.

Oh, yeah? Well, we're not human.

It doesn't matter to Harold.
He has trouble with humans.

I have trouble?

Where do I have trouble
with the real people?

Oh, I suppose you behave
perfectly with Donald?

He won't speak to my own son-in-law.

I won't speak? The kid is quiet.

He never makes conversation.

- He has to be drawn out.
- I don't like to draw people out.

That's what I said.
He has trouble with live humans.

Yes, yes, R.K.O.

I want to speak to Mr. Raoul Hirsch.

Yes, Mr. Hirsch.

He's the producer of
The Purple Rose Of Cairo. Yes.

No, he's not.

Just tell him I have a theater in New Jersey,

and there's a crisis with his film.

Yes, this is Mr. Hirsch. What's the problem?

What?

They're all just
sitting around up there on the screen.

Rita, the Countess,
Larry Wilde, the playboy.

People are demanding their money back.

The theater is nine-tenths empty.

Come on, take a walk, will you?

Look, he just walked out!

Baxter! The Communist is screaming.

The priest in reel five is in reel two!

How can he come off the screen?
It's impossible.

It's never happened before in history.

Just because a thing never happened before

doesn't mean it can't happen for a first time.

That's all you'll need.
Hundreds of Tom Baxters,

on the loose, running around.

Hundreds?

As your lawyer,
I advise you to get control of it fast.

A character from one of your productions
on the loose?

Who knows what he's capable of?

Robbery, murder. I see lawsuits.

I'd charter a plane right away,
and I'd get down there fast.

Get me Gil Shepherd.

Sorry, I'm not too light on my feet.

Oh, no, you're a feather in my arms.

Oh, Monk never took me dancing.

I... Not even when we first met.

Not even if I begged him.

Really? So, it's been bad for you.

Oh, it's been hard for everyone.

You know,
living in a world with no jobs and wars.

You, you probably
never even heard of the Great War.

No, I'm sorry. I missed it.

Yeah, well, people get old and sick

and never find true love.

Boy, you know, where I come from,
people, they don't disappoint.

They're consistent. They're always reliable.

You don't find that kind in real life.

You have.

Is it true they're talking to you
about the life of Lindbergh?

It's nearly set,
but don't print it till it's firm.

You were great in The Purple Rose of Cairo.

Thanks, I was, uh...

Did you know I was
singled out by all the East Coast critics?

Mmm-hmm.
The New York Times said that I was...

I had almost too smoldering a quality
to just play comedy.

Would you play Lindbergh
the way you played Tom Baxter?

Would I play... No, of course not.

Tom was kind of a change of pace for me.

He was from my earlier roles.

I played Tom Baxter with a kind of a
poetic, idealistic quality that, uh...

Just... Lindbergh was a loner.
He was just self-reliant.

I'd have to work
it out with my dialogue coach.

He's a genius. He'll...

Gil, can I see you for a minute?
Alone, please?

- Would you excuse me? I'm sorry.
- Sure.

- Right over here.
- What's up?

Tom Baxter's come down off the screen,
and he's running around New Jersey.

- What are you talking about?
- I just spoke to Raoul Hirsch.

Nobody knows how it happened.
But he's done it.

How could he do that?
It's not physically possible.

In New Jersey anything can happen.

But I created the character.

That's my point.

As your agent, I would hate to see
anything happen to your career,

now that it is starting to move.

- What, like, like, like what?
- Who knows?

There's a double of you on the loose.

What's he up to?
Is he robbing banks? Is he raping broads?

- But, is he?
- Who knows?

Look, the last thing we need

- is for you to get a...
- Shh.

The last thing we need
is for you to get a reputation

- as somehow difficult.
- But I'm not, it's not my fault!

Raoul Hirsch already said,
if you can't control your own creation,

- nobody's going to risk a picture on you.
- Oh, my God!

There goes...
I mean, I worked so hard to make him real.

- Yeah, well, maybe you overdid it.
- Jeez!

- I'll sue my dialogue coach, that louse.
- Look,

you've got to fly down there
and check into this, quick.

Right now, it's only one movie house,
but who knows?

I can't, I'm afraid to fly.

Gil, this is the scandal of all time.

You know what happened
to Fatty Arbuckle's career?

- I'll fly. I'll fly.
- Good.

This is how they drink champagne in Cairo.

I never had champagne before.

- I feel... It makes me feel silly.
- It's supposed to.

Yeah.

The check, as you requested, sir.

Ah.

Ah! It's so much!

- Oh...
- I hope found it to your liking, sir.

- It was superb.
- Oh, it was. It was wonderful.

My compliments to the chef.

And, uh, keep 20% for yourself.

No, make that 30%.

Yes, quite amusing.

- What is?
- The fake money.

Fake money?

Is it, uh, play money, sir, or stage money?

Keep 30% for yourself,
and stop looking so serious.

I'll get the Maitre D'.

Tom, that's not real money.

Well, what do you mean it's not real money?

Oh, my God.

Uh, do you have any money?

No. What are we going to do?

We're going to have to make a run for it.

No, I can't run.
My ankles are bad from waitressing.

Just get up. Follow me.

Quick, get in the car.

Tom, this is not our car!

We don't have a car. We came by foot.

- It doesn't go.
- Well, of course, it doesn't go.

There's no key.

I just, hey, I don't understand.

- This is how I always go in the movie.
- Oh, Tom,

this is real life.
They don't start without a key!

- They don't? Let's go.
- No!

- Hey, you two, get back here!
- They're leaving.

You can't run out on these checks.

They're a couple of deadbeats.

Get back here, right now!

I'm sorry about the money.
I had no idea.

Oh, that's okay.

It's not going to be so easy
to get along without it in this world.

Oh, I guess I have to get a job.

But that's not going to be so easy, either.

Right now, the whole country's out of work.

Well, then we'll live on love.

We'll have to make some concessions,
but so what?

- We'll have each other.
- That's movie talk.

You look so beautiful in this light.

But you're not real.

Was that real enough for you?

You kiss perfectly.
It's what I dreamed kissing would be like.

Come away with me to Cairo.

Cairo?

We'll live in the desert.
It will... Oh, the blue-gold light of sunset

- falling over your hair and the...
- Look, I'm sorry.

I'm a little tipsy. I... From the...

- Where's the fade out?
- What?

Always when the kissing gets hot and
heavy, just before the love-making,

there's a fade out.

Oh, then what?

Then, then we're making love
in some private, perfect place.

Oh, that's not how it happens here.

- What, there's no fade out?
- No...

But when you kissed me,
I felt like my heart faded out,

and I closed my eyes
and I was in some, some private place.

How fascinating.

You make love without fading out?

Yes.

Well, I can't wait to see this.

Listen, I can't...

I'm not that kind of girl.

I'm married.

Cecilia,

it's clear how miserable
you are with your husband,

and if he hits you again, you tell me.

I'd be forced to knock his teeth out.

I don't think that would be such a good idea.

He's big.

Well, I'm sorry.
It's written into my character to do it,

so I do it.

Listen, I think I better go home now.

- It's late.
- Okay.

It's been a whirlwind of a day.

- Don't you think?
- Yeah.

What are you gonna do?

Um, I'll just... I'll sleep here at the carousel.

And walk around, drink in the night air.

Enjoy my freedom, and dream of you.

You got in late last night.

Oh, yeah, you were out like a light.

I took a hot bath to relax me.

You want to get me a cup of coffee?

Oh, yeah, sure.

There was some big
deal going on over at the movie house.

A big crowd when I went to buy cigarettes.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I couldn't get the story straight.

There's some guy
who ran out the side exit with a customer.

- Who?
- Oh, a woman, a guy, uh, an actor.

I don't know what
the hell the cop was talking about.

He didn't know.

Well, they don't know who the woman was?

Some woman dragged out in the dark.

They got those real geronimos
at the movie houses.

See, that's why
I don't like you staying out so late at night.

I know. I couldn't help it.

The Lorenzos didn't get back till late.

I couldn't leave.

- Well, I hope you got paid overtime.
- Oh, sure.

Oh, good, good. Let's have it.

They, uh...
They didn't have any cash.

I'll have to come back for it later today.

Cecilia, I told you
to get paid, uh, in cash, didn't I?

Well, I know, but all they had was big bills,

and, um, you know, I was getting late,

- so I thought I better leave.
- Yeah, well,

- they're going to fork it over today, right?
- Oh, they will.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Leave something to you,
you can bet you're going to get fouled up.

You have no idea where he went?

Mr. Hirsch, this is awful for us.

- Really difficult.
- Think of me,

my reputation, my career!

First thing we've gotta do,
is we gotta keep it contained.

- Yeah.
- The word's out already.

We gotta keep the crisis local.

I know the two reporters in town.
They're old friends.

- Maybe I could talk to them.
- Fine,

a couple of bucks
spread around town will buy us some time.

Don't worry about a thing...

I mean, we're all so lost.

I know it's rough.

I just want the whole cast to know

how much I appreciate
your staying up there on the screen.

I hope you're not
going to hold this against me, R.H.

You created the part of Tom Baxter, Gil.

The facts are undeniable.

I want to go too.
I want to be free! I want out!

I'm warning you, that's Communist talk!

We're gonna
have to pull the film out of the theater

and you're going
to have to make good my receipts.

You mean, you're thinking of pulling the film

because a minor character is missing?

A minor character? Would you listen to her?

You know, he may not have the most lines,

but the plot turns on Baxter.

I deliberately played him
with a cheerful bravado.

Who cares how you played him?

- He's minor.
- That's right.

I would just like to get my hands on him.

Right when my career was taking off.

He could be raping
that woman he abducted.

And he's got my fingerprints,
my exact prints!

You know what
they get for rape in a small town,

especially by a man in a pith helmet?

If this is the start of a new trend,
our industry's as good as dead.

The real ones want their lives fiction,
and the fictional ones want their lives real.

Does anybody know who that woman was?

No. It was all so crazy, nobody noticed.

Just two doughnuts
and a container of coffee to go, please.

Right now, it's chaos.

Well, how can rumors
be circulating at the Brown Derby?

It just happened! Well, squash it, Herbie,

I got a career on the line.

Look, I'll call you the minute I hear.

Oh, excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I'm... I'm sorry. I don't have a pencil,
or I'd give you an autograph.

Where did you get those clothes?

- Pardon me?
- Your clothes, where did you get them?

Uh, a little store on Sunset and Vine.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Excuse me.

I just bought you these. Two doughnuts.

- For me? Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah. A container of coffee.

I hope you enjoy my next movie.

But, do you, I thought
you were going to stay hidden at the park.

What park?

Tom, what's the matter with you?

- You're acting so peculiar.
- Tom? No, no. I'm...

Wait a minute! Come here.

What's come over you?

I'm not Tom. I'm Gil Shepherd.

- I play Tom.
- What?

- How do you know Tom?
- You're Gil...

- Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
- Yeah.

You're Gil... I've seen you in lots of movies.

- Look, where's Tom?
- Oh! Broadway Bachelors, right? Right?

- Yeah, yeah, well, you know...
- Honeymoon in Haiti?

- Done about six.
- You were a scream.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much. That's...

I try to do one a year,
you know, just to keep...

Where's Tom?

Why?

Well, he's my character. I created him.

Well, didn't the man
who wrote the movie do that?

Yes, technically.

But I made him live. I fleshed him out.

But you did...
You did a wonderful job. He's adorable.

Thank you very much.

What's your name?

Cecilia.

Cecilia.

Where is he?

- Why?
- Has he done anything wrong?

Wrong, like what?

Has he stolen anything
or attacked any females? You?

No, gosh, no, no, he's as sweet as can be.

Well, I played him sweet.
I was well reviewed.

Well, it comes across.

Good. Look, I gotta speak to him.

You're not upset with him?

Well, a little, yes,

but I know if I spoke to him,
we could straighten everything out.

Oh, I don't know.

Please, I have a right.

Well, it has to be secret.

He doesn't want to have
to go back into the movie.

- He doesn't?
- No, he loves being free.

- He's having the time of his life.
- Oh, my God.

Would you take me to him? Trust me.

Please.

Monk, somebody saw your wife last night
at the Dine and Dance Joint.

Oh, sure, she's there every night
with the Rockefellers.

Uh, she was with this crazy-looking guy

- wearing an explorer's hat and britches.
- Come on.

Britches?

You know, you're nuts.
She was baby-sitting.

Right. I guess you know it all.

All right, who's next?

Tom? Tom?

- Cecilia, I dreamed of us in Cairo.
- Tom. Tom...

- I brought Gil Shepherd.
- Gil... Gil Shepherd.

- I play you in the movie.
- You do?

How dare you run away!

This is disconcerting.

Oh, I'll show you
the meaning of disconcerting.

I'm trying to build a career!

Yeah, well,
I don't want to be in the film anymore.

I'm in love with Cecilia.

Mr. Shepherd, you said you weren't angry.

You can't do this to me. It's my best role.

I've been critically acclaimed for this.
It's my very...

I'd say it's because of the way I do it.

No, no, no, because of the way I do it.
I'm doing it, not you.

It's me, not him. I mean, isn't that obvious?

Well, then, how do you
explain that here I am?

Well, because
I took you from the printed page,

and I made you live.
I fleshed you out, just like...

- So, I'm living.
- Yes, but for the screen only, please.

- And as soon...
- I want my freedom.

I don't want another one of me
running around the world.

I mean, I can
just imagine what he's been up...

Why? Are you afraid I'll embarrass you?

Yes. Frankly, I am afraid...

But, you created me.

All right, look, be reasonable here.

I'm starting to build a career.

Is life up on the screen so terrible that you...

I want to be with Cecilia.
I'm in love with her.

Will you tell him to go back?

Tell him that you don't love him.

Tell him you can't love him.

He's fictional!

You want to waste your time
with a fictional character?

I mean, you're a sweet girl.
You deserve an actual human.

But Tom's perfect.

Yeah, but he's not real.

What good is perfect if the man's not real?

I can learn to be real.

It's easy. You know, there's nothing to it.

Being real comes very naturally to me.

Can't learn to be real.
It's like learning to be a midget.

It's not a thing you can learn.

Some of us are real, some are not.

I say I can do it.

I'm not going to stay here
and argue with you.

I'm gonna go back to town.

I'm going to call my attorney,
the Actors' Union.

I won't take this lying down.

Nor will Raoul Hirsch, nor the police,

nor the FBI.

Yes, yes, we found him.

Gil Shepherd found him,

but he refuses to get back on the screen.

R.H. is very upset.

No, no, we can't force him. It's not a crime.

We need a plan.

Yeah, the press is on our side.

It took a few bucks,
but they're going to keep it quiet for now.

Uh, what? Really?

The Tom Baxter character
in a movie house in Chicago

has been forgetting his lines.

I just got a call from the manager.

If anybody wants me,
I'll be in the bathroom.

On the floor, weeping.

I mean, you do...
Aren't you at all even worried?

Well, what about
Raoul Hirsch and what, the FBI?

No, Cecilia,
if I can be with you, I'm never going back.

- But I, you know...
- No more buts.

I said I was going
to learn about the real world with you.

Show me.

It's beautiful.
But I'm not sure exactly what it is.

Oh, this is a church.
You do believe in God, don't you?

Meaning?

Mmm, the reason for everything,
the, the world, the universe...

Oh, I think I know what you mean.

The two men who wrote, uh,
The Purple Rose of Cairo.

Irving Sachs and R.H. Levine,
the writers who collaborate on films.

No, no, I'm talking
about something much bigger than that.

No, think for a minute.
A reason for everything.

Otherwise, it'd be
like a movie with no point,

and no happy ending.

So there you are!

I'm looking for you.

Monk, I, um...

This is my husband. This is Tom Baxter.

Adventurer, explorer, the Chicago Baxters.
I'm charmed to meet you.

So you wear the britches.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

I heard you were out on the town last night.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I admit I didn't tell the truth about that,

but things have
been so strange the last 24 hours...

You know what I told you I'd do to you

- if you ever lied to me?
- Monk, don't hit me.

Obviously, your marriage
has come to an impasse, sir.

And you keep out of this.

- Monk, let's just talk.
- No, you're coming home with me!

- Can't we talk?
- Perhaps you don't understand, sir,

but I'm in love with your wife.

Close your yap, jackass.

Now let's go. You're in for a lesson...

You're failing to understand, sir.

She's not coming with you.

- Oh, she's not, huh?
- No, you take your hands off.

No man will hit the woman I love,
nor any woman.

- Beat it! Beat it. I'm gonna take you apart!
- Stop it!

- He's got a terrible temper.
- And you, go home.

Sorry, it's written into my character.
Courage.

Stop it!

- Come on.
- Stop it! What are you doing?

Time for the old one-two.

Hope he's had enough.

Sorry, pal. Sorry about the rough stuff.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Let me give you a hand. There's a...

God, it's not fair. Oh!

Tom! What are you doing?

- You're coming home with me now.
- No, I'm not!

What'd you say?

No, I'm going to stay
and see that Tom's okay.

- I...
- You're a bully, Monk.

I gave you an order.

I don't care. I'm tired of taking your orders.

You could've killed him.

All right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

- I hit hard.
- You can't just...

You can't just
go through life beating people up.

Look, I'm telling you one more time.
Are you coming with me?

No, I'm not.

I'm telling you one more time. You coming?

- No! No, I'm not!
- Come on!

The hell with it. I need a beer anyway.

I'll see you later.

Oh, are you okay?

Oh, oh, yeah. I'm fine.

You're not even marked.

Your hair is in place.

No, no. I don't get hurt or bleed.

Hair doesn't muss.

It's one of the advantages
of being imaginary.

You were very brave.

Yeah, well, I had him, too,
till he started fighting dirty.

That's why you'll never
survive off the screen.

You were pretty brave, too.
You stood right up to him.

You inspired me.

Mr. Shepherd.

Oh, Cecilia, look, I got to speak to you.

Oh, listen, I've had a crazy morning.

- I'm still shaking.
- Look, I don't know what to do, all right?

I've struggled my whole life.

And now I'm
finally beginning to break through

and my whole career's
going right down the drain.

You don't have to worry about that.

You'll always be a great movie star.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say,
but technically, I'm not really a star yet.

Cecilia, you know, I mean,
I try to carry myself like one.

You know, I do the best I can
as far as that, but star?

Phew! That's a big word, isn't it? Star?

Yeah, uh, no, no.

No, star, no, no.

And you're not just a pretty face,
you're also a peach of an actor.

Really, I've seen you. I've seen you a lot.

You've got something.

- Is that your opinion?
- Sure.

And I see all the movies.

You've got, oh, how can I describe it?

You've got a magical glow.

Oh, boy. Oh, oh.

To hear that from a real person,
that is just...

It's not
one of those movie colony bimbos,

you know, with the fancy dresses,
filling you full of hot air.

Would you get over here
and sit down, please?

Oh, you know, you can take it from me.

You're not just a flash in the pan.

No, you know, it'd be very easy
for me to trade on my looks.

- Just, like that.
- Oh, sure.

But I have some serious acting ambitions.

You should. You should.

You, you know...
I think you're great in all the funny movies.

Thank you.

Really, I was thinking you should,

you should
play some of the more heroic parts.

I want...

- I tell my agent that a hundred times!
- Yeah?

Well, you know, well, you could play...

You could play,
like, Daniel Boone, or someone...

- Lindbergh! Oh...
- Oh!

- You'd be wonderful as Lindbergh.
- My God!

- You are a mind reader.
- We had the same thought?

- Really?
- I am on the verge of signing for that part.

- No! Really?
- I'm, I am! I can taste it.

Oh, you'll be wonderful.

- Well, thank you.
- Oh, there's something inside you that...

You have that
same kind of lone heroic quality.

You're exactly right.
Everyone has been telling me not to...

- You are right.
- Don't you listen.

Basically, I have been a loner my entire life.

Well, sure, anyone can see that.

You know, you're deep
and probably complicated.

Can I buy you lunch?

- Me?
- Please. Can I?

Please. Look, I love... I love talking to you.

Oh, uh, I was just going to go upstairs...

- Don't, no, really, come on...
- Really?

- I open myself up around you...
- Oh...

Have you ever been to Hollywood?

Uh, come on, no, of course not.

You, well, I would
love to just take you around Hollywood.

- I would real...
- Oh.

- Could I make a confession?
- Sure.

Look, my real name, it's not Gil Shepherd.

- It's Herman Bardebedian.
- Really?

I've, yeah, I've been a cab driver for about...

- Boy, do you have a pretty face.
- Come on.

- You do!
- Oh.

Hi, big boy.

You alone?

Oh, hello.

Uh, well, I'm alone for now,
but later I have an appointment,

or should I say rendezvous?

Good for you.

Where did you get the funny suit?

- What, this?
- Yeah.

You coming from a costume party?

No, no, I'm Tom Baxter
of the Chicago Baxters.

Explorer, poet, adventurer.
Just back from Cairo

where I searched
in vain for the legendary purple rose.

How about that?

Well, uh, who are you?

- My name's Emma.
- Oh, that's lovely.

What do you do, Emma?

I'm a working girl.

And what do you do, you delicate creature?

Anything that'll make a buck.

Well, we Baxters
never really had to worry about money.

I'll bet. You want to come along with me?

Where to, Emma?

Where I work.
I think you might have a good time.

Sounds enchanting.
I'm up for new experiences.

I may be able to help.

Hi, girls. This is Tom.

Hi there, ladies.

Don't you all look enticing?

I know what you want.

You want to be the great white hunter
and you want me to be the tiger.

Uh, I don't get it.

You will if you can afford it.

I met Tom out at the amusement park.

Oh, no, that's, uh, my hat.

Uh, yes, I was, uh...
I was thinking about something.

- I can imagine.
- Two of us at the same time?

You know, I was
thinking about some very deep things.

About God and his relation
with Irving Sachs and R.H. Levine.

And, I was thinking about life in general.

The... The origin
of everything we see about us.

The, uh... The finality
of death and how almost magical

it seems in the... In the real world as, uh...
As opposed to the world of

celluloid and flickering shadows.

Where did you find this clown?

For example, the miracle of birth.

Now. I suppose
some of you lovely ladies are married.

- Not anymore.
- No?

Then, the absolutely
astonishing miracle of childbirth

with all its attendant feelings
of humanity and pathos.

I stand in awe of existence.

- Do you want to tie me up?
- Tie you up?

Yeah.

Oh, that's very funny.
She's very funny.

That's a nice sense of humor.
The absurd non sequitur.

- What... What's your name, sweetheart?
- Martha.

That's the same name
as the Ambassador's wife.

Well, why didn't you
bring the Ambassador by?

Well, he... He's still up on the screen.

But, do you share my sense of wonderment
at the very fabric of being?

The smell of a rose,
real food, sensuous music.

I've got a child.

- You do?
- Mmm.

Oh, I see. You're a widow.
Uh, oh, poor thing.

I got two kids and he's
right about giving birth.

It is a beautiful experience.

I never had a baby.
I was pregnant, but I lost it.

Sorry to hear that, Emma.

It always makes me cry to think about it.

Oh, there, there, now.
You'll have another chance.

Come on, I'd be surprised
if all you ladies weren't married soon.

Especially by the way you dress.

It's so seductive to a man.

Do you like these stockings, Tom?

Oh, they're just divine.

What kind of a club is this, anyhow?

God, Tom, you're a scream.

He's terribly sweet.

He is. I wouldn't mind doing him for nothing.

Me neither, plus he's cute.

Okay, you can count me in.

Come on, Tom,
we're going to take you into the bedroom

and give you an experience
you'll never forget.

- And it's on us.
- Oh.

I came here for a new experience.

Well, now you're going
to get a champion roll in the hay.

What? There's hay in the bedroom?

You ever
been to a brothel before?

- What's a brothel?
- You must be kidding.

- A brothel, a bordello, a whore house.
- I'm not following.

We go to bed with you
and make love and you pay us.

Only because you're so sweet,
we want to treat you to a party.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Boy, this doesn't
ring a bell with anything I know.

Oh, come on, buddy.
You know about making love, don't you?

I can't make love with you.

Don't tell me you don't like women.

Or you were wounded in the war.

No, no, I'm in love with someone else.

We're not talking about in love,
we're talking about making love.

- But, I love Cecilia.
- Well, so what? Marry Cecilia.

This is just for fun.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Emma.

Ladies, my, my gracious!

Nah, uh, look, don't think I'm
not appreciative of your offer.

Though, I must say,
the concept is totally new to me.

But, I'm just... I'm hopelessly
head over heels in love with Cecilia.

She is all I want.

My devotion is to her, my loyalties.

Every breath
she takes makes my heart dance.

This guy just kills me.

Are there any other guys like you out there?

Lawson's Music Store.

This store has been here since I was a kid.

Yeah. I wish I could play an instrument.

That's my other ambition in life,
is to be a great classical violinist.

Thousands cheering me night after night.

I can play the ukulele.

- You can?
- Uh-huh. My father taught me

before he ran away.

I'm Alabamy bound

There'll be no heebie jeebies hanging 'round

Just gave the meanest ticket man on earth

All I'm worth

To put my tootsies in an upper berth

Just hear that choo-choo sound

Whoo-hoo!

I know that soon we're gonna cover ground

And then I'll holler
'cause the world will know

Here I go

I'm Alabamy bound

Whoa.

I'm Alabamy bound

That was just wonderful.

- Oh.
- That's wonderful.

- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, I was never... It's like a dream.

Oh, listen.

I love my baby...

My baby loves me

I don't know nobody as happy as we

She's only 20

And I'm 21

We never worry

We're just having fun

Sometimes we quarrel

And maybe we fight

But then we make up the following night

When we're together

We're great company

I love my baby

And my baby loves me

- That was wonderful. Oh, you...
- Aw, that was, you know...

Well, oh, after
the Lindbergh movie you should do...

- The phone.
...a musical, really.

Do you think...
You know, I did a one-bit in one once.

I know, I saw Dancing Doughboys, sure.

Dancing Doughboys?

- You remembered.
- Yeah, that was great.

I remember you turned
to Ina Beasley and you said,

"I won't be going south
with you this winter."

That's exact... Right, right!

"I won't be going south
with you this winter. We have a little, uh,

"score to settle
on the other side of the Atlantic."

"Does this mean
I won't be seeing you ever again?"

"Well, ever is a long time."

"When you leave, don't look back."

You remember that...
You remember it perfectly.

And then... And then
I took her in my arms, and I kissed her,

knowing it was for the last time.

God, you're beautiful, Cecilia.

Was it fun? Kissing Ina Beasley?

Oh, it was just, you know, it's a movie kiss.

You know,
we professionals, we can put that...

That stuff on just like that.

It looked like you loved her.

Oh, my goodness!

Feel my heart.

Uh, I... I...

I have to... I should...
Thank you so much for the ukulele.

Oh, well, don't be offended.
I didn't mean to...

Oh, no. I'm not offended.
I'm just, uh... I'm confused.

I'm married.
I just met a wonderful new man.

He's fictional, but you can't have everything.

Look, can I see you later?

No, no. I'm meeting Tom.

My own creation plagues me.

- Anything happening out there?
- Not a thing.

Life is amazing, isn't it?

One little minor
character takes some action...

Minor?

...and the whole world
is turned upside down.

What if he never comes back?

We just drift until they shut the projector.

- Will you shut up?
- Now calm down, calm down.

And stop that!

- He'll be back. I feel it.
- Was she always like that?

I don't want to sit around and wait.

- That's exactly what they want.
- Who?

- The bosses.
- Oh.

Look at us!

Sitting around,
slave to some stupid scenario.

Meanwhile, the fat cats in Hollywood
are getting rich on our work!

- Stop it!
- Studio heads, writers, movie stars!

Uh, but we're the ones who sweat!

We're the characters
on the screen, not them.

You're a Red!

I say unite, brothers,

unite and take action!

Why don't you shut up and sit down?

- What possible action...
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Shut up, will you?

What if all this
is merely a matter of semantics?

How can it be semantics?

Well, wait a minute.
Let's just re-adjust our definitions.

Let's redefine ourselves as the real world,

and them as the
world of illusion and shadow.

You see, we're reality, they're a dream.

You better calm down.

You've been up on the screen,
flickering too long.

- It's confirmed.
- It is?

I was afraid this might happen.

The Tom Baxter character

tried to leave the screen in four theaters.

St. Louis, Chicago, Denver and Detroit,
and he almost made it in Detroit.

- It looks bad.
- The movie houses in those towns

are in a state of pandemonium.

There's no way to keep the lid on it.

I see lawsuits, hundreds of lawsuits!

We better pull the picture out of release.

- What, in those towns?
- No, everywhere.

Something's obviously
gone very wrong here,

and the best course of action
is to shut down, take our losses

and get out of this mess
before it really gets out of hand.

Sure, can you
imagine hundreds of Tom Baxters

flying around wild?

Right, and you
responsible for every one of them.

Well, the best thing to do is to quit
while there's only one of them out there.

But what do we do about him?

We've got to get him back in the picture.

Then we turn off the projector,
and burn the prints.

And the negative.

What a shame. It was such a good picture.

I missed you. You're late.

I'm sorry,
I just... I came as quickly as I could.

- I love you.
- Oh! Oh, thank you.

Tom, my feelings are so jumbled.

Oh, I know, I know.
You're married, and you're old-fashioned,

and I'm a whole new idea.

But the truth is you're unhappily married.

And I'm gonna take you away from all this.

Yeah, I know you love me.

Cecilia, I do love you.
Don't you share my feelings?

Well, I... That's just it.

You're some
kind of phantom.

Look, I don't want
to talk any more about what's real

and what's illusion. Life's too short
to spend time thinking about life.

- Let's just live it.
- Live it how?

Well, we'll begin with dinner.

Oh, well, listen.
No, I've only got a few dollars.

Well, we're not gonna use your money.

Well, that's all we have!

Unless you've done something.

Well, say no more.
The moon will be full, the stars will be out,

and we're going stepping.

- But we're broke.
- Leave that to me.

It's him! Tom, you're back!

I want you to meet my fiancée, Cecilia.

This... Oh, well, you know all these people.

It's not possible!

I'm in the world of the possible.

Yeah? Well, you better get back
in the story, you little weasel!

Ah! You anticipate me.

- Follow me!
- Saints preserve us.

Trust me.

He just comes and goes
like he pleases.

Come on.

- Where am I?
- But she can't be in here.

- Why not?
- Come on.

- I feel so light!
- Cecilia, my money is good up here.

- You've got too much money.
- Like I'm floating on air!

But it'll upset the balance.

- It sure does.
- What's the difference? He's back, isn't he?

I told you he'd be back.

Can we get on with the plot now?

How can we with her here?

But she's here with me,
and I'll sock any man in the jaw

who makes her feel unwanted.

- Well, it's about time you got back here!
- Right!

Now we finally go to the Copacabana.

None of us have eaten in ages.

Good, I'm bringing a guest.

Well, won't Kitty Haynes be surprised.

- Table for seven, please, Arturo.
- Yes, sir.

- Seven?
- Seven.

That's impossible. It's always six.

We have an extra.

Seven, Arturo.

This person?

So let's not speak of love sublime

Because time brings on a breakup

There'll be no tears
and no emotional scenes

To spoil my makeup

And when the end comes

I'll take up the slack

Would you like some more champagne?

Oh, thank you.

Listen, Tom,
I don't know what they're charging you,

but those champagne
bottles are filled with ginger ale.

- That's the movies, kid!
- Shh.

Oh, I don't care. I love every minute of it.

Every Sunday, Monday

One day at a time

Let's take it one day at a time

Let's take it

One day at a time

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you, thank you.

- Who are you?
- Oh, no, I'm... I just... I came with Tom.

You sing so beautifully.

What the hell is this?

We're supposed to meet and marry.

- Who's the skirt?
- My fiancée.

- What?
- Oh, no, wait...

- He met her in New Jersey.
- What is this?

Kitty, she's real.

Kitty!

Quick! Pour... Pour ginger ale on her!

What's all the fuss about?

Uh, nothing, nothing, Arturo.

- We were just leaving. Come on. Let's go.
- Leaving? Leaving where?

Hey, I'm all mixed up!

I'm gonna show Cecilia the town.

Are we just chucking out the plot, sir?

Exactly. It's every man for himself!

Then I don't have to seat people anymore.

I can do what it is I've always wanted to do.

What's that?

Hit it, boys!

I had such a wonderful time.

Me, too.

Where are all the others?

Oh, I don't know.
Well, probably just still dancing away.

Why? Does it matter?
I wanted to get you alone.

It's so beautiful here.

Oh! The white telephone.

Oh...

I've dreamed of having a white telephone.

Your dreams are my dreams.

My whole life, I've wondered

what it would be like
to be this side of the screen.

You see that city out there waking up?

That's yours for the asking.

My heart's beating so fast!

Cecilia!

Gil! What are you doing here?

Well, I... I came in here to think.

What are you doing here?

I took her on a date, all right?

Now, can't you just leave us alone?

No, I can't leave her alone.

I'm jealous.

You're jealous?

Well, what do you want me to say?

I can't get Cecilia out of my mind.

Gil, do you mean that?

Oh, for God's sake,
would you go back to Hollywood? Please.

Look, I'm embarrassed to admit it, Cecilia.

You know, you said I had a magical glow?

But that's you, you're the one that has one.

And even though we've just met,
I know that this is the real thing.

You can't be in love with Cecilia.
She's in love with me.

I'll tell you what, why don't you
turn around and re-enter the film?

I'm never going back!

I can't believe it, they're at it again.

Tom, will you get back up here?

See, there you go, Tom.
You're ruining everything.

You are!
You're the one who's ruining everything.

You know, if it wasn't for me,
there wouldn't be any you!

Don't be so sure! I could've been played

by Fredric March or Leslie Howard!

You're wrong. The part's
too insignificant to attract a major star.

- Insignificant!
- Like hell it is! What are you talking about?

Minor character?
I am not a minor character!

What do you mean, a minor character?

Jeez!

You know, I haven't
been able to think of anything since we met.

I just, I have to have some time with you
to show you what real life can be like

if two people really care for each other.

Last week, I was unloved.

Now, two people love me,
and it's the same two people.

Go with the real guy, honey. We're limited.

Go with Tom. He's got no flaws.

Go with somebody, child,
'cause I's getting bored.

She's gonna marry me.
You're just... You're wasting your time.

Will you get back on the screen?

I'm trying to tell Cecilia I'm in love with her.

I love you.
I'm honest, dependable, courageous,

romantic and a great kisser.

And I'm real!

Let's go, Cecilia!

Choose one of them
so we can settle this thing.

The most human of all attributes
is your ability to choose.

Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If she chooses Tom,
how are we gonna end the story?

We'll be stuck here forever.

Father Donnelly can
marry us right here in the movie house.

No, that won't stand up in court.

The priest has to be human.

The Bible never says
a priest can't be on film!

No, uh, I'm already married!

Come away with me to Hollywood.

- Just like that?
- Just like that.

Do something impulsive
for once in your life.

I mean, just throw your stuff in a valise
and come away with me. Really.

And don't forget that ukulele.

What ukulele?

Look, I love you.

I know that only happens in movies,
but I do.

Tom?

Cecilia, you're throwing away perfection.

Don't tell her that! We need Tom back!

It's so romantic.

Oh, women!

Well, I'm crushed, I'm devastated. It's...

Tom, try to understand.

You'll be fine.

In your world, things have a way
of always working out right.

See, I'm a real person.

No matter how tempted I am,
I have to choose the real world.

I loved every minute with you.

And I'll never forget our night on the town.

Goodbye.

Well, you're better off with us,
old sport, you really are.

Can we get on
with The Purple Rose of Cairo, please?

If anyone wants me,
I'll be in reel six.

- Kitty's waiting for you.
- Lord have mercy!

What a day! What a day!

So, your explorer friend's okay?

I saw him walking around town with you.

Yeah, he's okay. No thanks to you.

I didn't mean to be so rough on him.

It's just that
I get jealous when it comes to you.

- Do you?
- Christ, you know I do.

I know I treat you rough. It's my way.

- It doesn't mean I don't feel for you.
- Oh.

- What are you doing?
- Leaving.

- Here we go again.
- You don't feel for me, Monk.

All you feel for is yourself!

Your beer, your card games, your women!

Okay, I'm gonna turn over a new leaf.

- No, I'm not kidding...
- It's too late, Monk. It's too late, I'm going.

I should have left a long time ago.

I would have,
except I was scared of being alone.

So what now?

You found some chump
who's filling your head with big ideas?

No, no, I got a chance to change my life.

- I'm moving to Hollywood.
- All right, now listen, Cecilia,

I said I was sorry
about being rough with your friend,

but let's shape up!

- It's too late, Monk!
- Look, like hell it...

I said like hell it is!

And don't be giving me
that big-headed stuff, you hear?

Because I'm the guy
that can slap you down!

Go ahead and hit me, Monk!

Just go ahead and hit me!

- I'm leaving anyway!
- Yeah, well,

this never would have happened
if you didn't meet that guy.

That's probably right,
and we would have just gone on

the same way till we were too old
to even hope for something better.

But I did meet him!
I did meet him, and I have feelings for him!

- And he has for me!
- What about me?

I still care for you, Monk,
if you can believe that.

But out of the blue,
for the first time in my life,

somebody's in love with me!

No, but you just met each other.

Love at first sight
doesn't only happen just in the movies.

Hey, Cecilia, don't go.

You hear me?
I said don't go! Now wait a minute.

- Don't! I said... I said don't go!
- So long, Monk.

- You stay here, you hear?
- You take care of yourself.

Oh, yeah? All right, well, go, go!
See if I care.

Go, see what it is out there!

It ain't the movies! It's real life!

It's real life, and you'll be back!

You mark my words! You'll be back!

Cecilia, what are you doing here?

- Meeting Gil Shepherd.
- They all gone.

They...

What do... What do you mean?

Went back to Hollywood.

Gil, too?

Mr. Shepherd, yeah.

As soon as Tom Baxter
went back up on the movie screen,

he couldn't wait to get out of here.

He said this was a close call for his career.

I think he's gonna play Charles Lindbergh.

Don't forget, Cecilia,

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers start today.

Heaven, I'm in heaven

And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak

And I seem to find the happiness I seek

When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek

Heaven, I'm in heaven

And the cares that hung
around me through the week

Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak

When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek

Oh, I love to climb a mountain

And to reach the highest peak

But it doesn't thrill me half as much

As dancing cheek to cheek