Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, J.T.?

Do you realize what month it is?

I don't know. One of the cold ones?

No, not just one of the cold ones.

It's February. Do you know what that means?

Yeah, it means this milk is three weeks old.

No, no, no. For-forget about the milk for a second.

We promised Sam and Dana, we'd take 'em on a ski trip

next weekend.

- Oh, it's that February? - Yeah, you bonehead.

Did you save any money for it at all?

Well, let's see, including what I got in my checking account

college fund and savings and wallets

two dollars and a coupon for a corn dog.

Listen, man, don't sweat it.

We promised Sam and Dana that trip months ago.

If we forgot about it, maybe they forgot about it, too.

Snow Mountain Inn, here we come.

Look, guys.

The ski shop at the mall was a having a sale

so we got everything we need for our trip next week.

Are you guys as excited as we are?

We're just dripping with excitement.

- Yeah. - Just dripping.

Look.

We are totally outfitted.

Snow bunnies.

Sam.

Sorry. Snow women.

Hmm, but, honey, aren't you gonna be a little cold

on the slopes in this? I mean, gee..

Put your tongue back in your mouth, J.T.

It's not mine. It's a present.

We got this for our friend Becky.

She's having a bridal shower this weekend.

Come on, Sam, let's go try on all of our new stuff.

Great idea! I can't wait to go skiing.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, neither can we.

- Ah! - We are excited!

We are just pumped.

[laughs nervously] We are screwed.

Don't sweat it, man. We only need $400 a piece.

There's gotta be a job in here somewhere

where we can make some quick money.

[groans]

Yup! Like this.

Look, I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm pretty sure

you need more formal training to become a neurosurgeon.

Not that, this! Look.

"Club Booty proudly announces

"its annual male stripper contest.

First prize, one thousand bucks." That's it, that's it!

That's how we're gonna get the money.

So you're saying we should rob Club Booty?

No, I'm saying we should become male strippers.

Oh! I think we have a better shot at becoming neurosurgeons.

[theme song]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪

[laughing]

Lilly, that is the third time today.

Now, knock it off.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Okay, okay, now you are really in trouble

you little..

Uh, reverend.

Hi, Carol. Rough day?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I usually don't scream at close personal friends of God.

- Please, come in. - I'd love to.

Gosh, uh, I'm really sorry, we missed church on Sunday

but if it does help, we did catch

"Touched By An Angel."

Oh, me, too.

That Roma Downey is a fox.

Uh, uh, but I'm not here to discuss TV.

Oh, well, please then, come on in, sit down.

Oh, thanks, but I'm only gonna stay a minute.

Carol, I've noticed over the years that you and Frank

have one of the most stable, loving relationships

in our congregation.

You're kidding? I-I mean, thank you.

And because of that I think you two would make great role models

for some of the young couples at our church

who are planning to get married.

What could we do to help?

Well, I'd like to bring three couples

over Monday night, let them learn

from you and Frank what it takes

to keep a marriage together

in today's world.

Well, Frank and I'd be thrilled.

- We'll see you on Monday night. - Great.

You know, if this works out

we have a young parents mentoring program

we'd like you to help us with because you've raised

some wonderful, wonderfulchildren.

[sighs] Well, thank you again.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪

[blowing raspberry]

[chuckles]

Neighbor kids.

[instrumental music]

Come on, Rich.

Please don't make me do this, man.

Come on. No, look, look, look.

They're gonna, they're gonna laugh at us.

What makes you say that?

I've seen you naked.

Lighten up, Rich. We're in Port Washington.

How tough can the competition be?

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, that's it. Let's get out of here.

Compared to this herd of beef cake

we're total losers.

No, we're not. We're just different.

Just think of us as the other white meat.

Alright, gentlemen, listen up.

Hey, you two, are you the plumbers I called

for the backed-up toilet?

Wait, wait, wait. We're not plumbers.

We're male strippers. Okay?

We're eye candy, boy toys.

Every woman's fantasy.

But in case you don't see us like that

how much does, uh, fixin' the toilet pay?

Rich, forget the toilet, okay?

Are you gonna allow us to try out for this contest

or do we have to go over your head?

Okay, alright.

You wanna try out for the contest?

Fine, be my guest.

Gentlemen, strike the pose and lose the clothes.

Yes! Let me help you get this off--

Yeah, yeah, I can do it myself.

Alright, meat. Listen up.

This is the results.

'Number one, you're in.'

'Number two, goodbye.'

'Number three and four, you're good.'

'Number five'

'go back to the farm.'

'Number six, you're in.'

'Number seven and eight.'

Number seven and eight

this is a strip show, not a side show.

'Get lost!'

W-w-w-wait, what are you? Blind?

We're pros, we're practically legends in this business.

Have you ever heard of a little town called Vegas?

- Yeah. - So have we.

Can we be in the contest?

Hit the road, you morons.

- Well, hold on, boss. - What?

Why not put 'em in?

They'll be good for a couple of laughs.

And besides, when they're on

it'll give the chicks a chance to go to the can.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Alright, Beavis and Butt-Head, you're in.

- Yes! - Oh, my God.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, honey. - Hello, sweetie.

Oh, boy, do I have great news.

- Me, too. But you go first. - Okay.

You know Vinnie Grogan?

- My concrete guy? - Uh-huh.

Well, he just got a new 60-inch TV.

And he invited a bunch of us guys over to his place

to watch the Bucks-Bulls game next Monday.

Isn't that great?

Absolutely, that's terrific. But you can't go.

Uh, why can't I go?

Because Monday night, Reverend Fielder is bringing

some engaged couples over here so we can talk to them

about how to have a happy marriage.

Yeah, well, take my word for it, honey.

If I don't get to see this game

we're not gonna have a whole lot to talk about.

But this thing is already set.

Yes, without asking me first.

Honey, I've been lookin' forward to this game.

Look, I got all stocked up for it.

I got my double cheese nachos.

I, I got my imported beer

and I got my purple

"Go, Bucks" big finger.

Go Bucks! Go Bucks! Go Bucks!

Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.

Bucks, Bucks, Bucks, Bucks.

Bucks.

You know, I'm tempted to tell you what to do

with that finger.

Frank, it's just a game.

I think you can give up one night of basketball

to help do God's work.

Take it from me, God is gonna be watchin' that game

with the rest of us guys.

And I happen to know he is a Bucks fan.

Frank, the class willbe here on Monday.

I promise the reverend we would help him

and I'm not gonna break our promise.

Well, fine then, you do whatever you wanna do.

I'm gonna be watchin' the game on a 60-inch set.

No, you're not, you're gonna be here

and you're gonna be nice and you're gonna smile.

You're gonna show those couples what a happy marriage is like

if it kills us both!

Well then, we'll see about that, won't we?

You know, jeez, you got me so upset I forgot my finger.

Alright, come on.

Give me the finger.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Alright, feel the music.

Yeah, feel that burn, baby. Get into it, yes.

Alright, babe, we're gonna do that belt thing on three, okay?

It's gonna drive the chicks wild. On three, okay?

- Yeah. - One, two, three.

[both groan]

- Ow. - Ow.

There's gotta be an easier way to make some money.

We're not gonna win this stupid contest.

[knocking on the door]

Oh, yes, we are, because our secret weapon

has just arrived.

- Our secret weapon? - Yup.

Behind this door..

..is the world's greatest living male stripper.

Hi.

- Hey, J.T. - Moose, what's up?

Yeah.

What the hell is that?

Relax, that's Moose. He works for my dad.

- As a male stripper? - No, as a construction guy.

But he used to be a male stripper. Right, Moose?

Well, I hate to brag, but, uh, 20 years ago

when I played Vegas

I had more money in my G-string

than all the crap tables in town.

You guys ready to get down with your..

...bad selves?

Absolutely, Moose. We're puttin' ourselves totally in your hands.

Well, that's good, because I got more moves

than United Van Lines.

Uh, hit the music

and, uh, do what I do.

[instrumental music]

Oh, no, that's just stupid.

Oh, come on. There's no wayI'm doing that.

- Ugh. - What did you just say?

I said, you're poetry in motion, sir.

That's what I thought you said.

Now you shake your goofy..

...or I'll shake it for you.

Good, now put some

Elvis in your pelvis.

Some Jagger in your swagger

and put some Hootie in your Blowfish.

Easy there, big guy.

Now it's time to flash the grin

and show some skin.

[music continues]

Frank, thanks to you

the reverend is stalling with bad jokes.

Will you just get back in there?

Don't start with me, Carol.

I'm supposed to be watchin' this game on a 60-inch set

and I'm trying to pick it up on an Etch A Sketch.

I don't care, this is the third time

you've ducked outta there in ten minutes.

The reverend and those couples think you have

some kind of terrible bladder infection.

Oh, hey, that's great, then I'll stay in here

and watch the game, you tell 'em I'm down at the drugstore

getting some adult diapers.

Frank, if you don't get back in there

the next time we make love

you'll be old enough to need adult diapers.

[grunts]

Well, we're back.

You know, Frank, I, uh

I had a little bladder problem myself last year.

May I suggest two things.

Prayer and cranberry juice.

I'll keep that in mind.

Okay, let's continue.

You three couples are about to embark

on wedded bliss yourselves.

I'm sure you have many questions

for this happily married couple.

Uh, Gordon, why don't you get the ball rolling?

Okay. Um..

Donna and I love each other very much

but we have this problem.

I'm kind of a quiet guy, but she always wants me

to share my feelings.

I'll be honest with you.

I don't have that many feelings.

Well, you get used to that

tell-me-your-feelings thing, Gordon.

That goes on forever.

- Really? - Oh, absolutely.

But you want me to tell you what's really gonna bend

your crank?

It's when your wife keeps volunteering you for things

without having the courtesy to ask you first.

[chuckles] Well, I'd never do that.

Of course, you wouldn't.

Get back to me after the honeymoon, Gordo.

Well, that's just Frank's

sense of humor.

Which, by the way, you ladies are gonna need

because sometimes your husbands will act a tad, uh..

...shall we say immature?

[laughs] Right, honey?

That's right, you guys act immature

because your wives act more like your mommies

and won't let you watch the game

you bought the special nachos for.

You know, folks, in Corinthian--

I think what Frank is trying to say--

Oh, did I fail to mention

that sometimes they not only volunteer you for things

but they speak for you as well?

That's because a lot of times

when husbands talk, what comes out is really, really stupid.

Ha-ha. Let me tell you about stupid--

- 'I'll tell you..' - Yes, well..

I think that just about covers

communication and honesty.

What do you say we move on to respect?

- There's foreign soil for you. - I'd like a little respect.

- 'She doesn't know..' - 'I'd like a little respect.'

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering]

- Check, please. - Man, this is so cool.

Three hundred chicks would have paid to see me naked.

Is this a great country or what?

I don't think I can go through with this.

I'm afraid when I get out there

I'm gonna wet my pants.

Not a problem, Rich, because in two minutes

you won't be wearing any pants.

That doesn't help at all.

[all cheering]

Oh, this is disgusting.

If I had known the bridal shower was gonna end up

at a sleazy meat market like this

I never would have come.

Really?

I would have stopped at the bank for more singles.

Yeah, Dana, lighten up.

I mean, this is Becky's last chance

to have a kick-butt girls night out

before she gets married.

Gee, I only have a twenty.

I hope the dancers carry change.

If they do, I hate to think where they might be hiding it.

[crowd cheering]

Alright.

Ain't that somethin'? How about that?

Yeah, that went marvelous.

Ride 'em cowboys, huh, ladies?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Now we got a couple of local boys.

Now these are pure amateurs

who I swear have never been

in a strip contest before.

And I guarantee after tonight

they will never be in another one.

[laughs]

You guys get out there

and just shake your booty.

- Ow. - Whoa.

Make mamma proud.

[chuckles]

Get 'em!

Alright, ladies, give it up for..

...The Handymen.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, my God!

[crowd booing]

[upbeat music]

- Uh, Rich! - J.T.!

Hey, easy, baby, touching costs extra.

[groans] Hey!

Sam, what are you doing in a strip club?

Keeping my clothes on.

Which is more than I can say for you.

Uh, hi, honey.

This, uh, isn't what it looks like.

Really, Rich? It looks to me like you're about to get naked

for a bunch of howling, horny women.

Oh, okay, so it is what it looks like.

But honestly, we're doing this for you.

[crowd yelling]

Yeah, great.

Seriously. We're trying to get money for the ski trip.

Please, excuse us. We didn't wanna disappoint you.

So you're willing to totally embarrass

and degrade yourselves

in public for us?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

That is the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard.

Alright, let's bring back the cowboys.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, look, everyone here hates us.

The ski trip's off. We might as well just quit.

No, no, keep dancing. Wait.

Ladies, ladies, now

we're gonna try something a little different.

- Uh, do you like these guys? - No!

Do you wanna see them take their clothes off?

[all] No!

Are you willing to pay them

to keep their clothes on?

[all] Yes!

Then show me the money!

[crowd cheering]

[instrumental music]

You wanna know what really ticks me off?

It's when you hog the covers

and I freeze my butt all night.

I need the covers to pull over my head

to drown out the sound of your snoring.

- I do not snore! - Yes, you do!

And that's the nicest sound you make in bed!

Well, if you wouldn't put cheese on everything you cook.

- 'Then I wouldn't have--' - 'Hey, pal!'

We live in the Cheese State. Get used to it.

Yeah, well, then you get used to it.

Well, I, I think this could be a good stopping place.

Maybe we could have some refreshments.

I know I'd kill for a beer.

You know what? Uh..

Before we break, there's something

I'd like to say.

Donna, I-I love you

but I'm not sure we should get married anymore.

What?

I mean, with all due respect

if Frank and Carol are the happiest couple

in Port Washington

I'd hate to see the ones who don't get along.

Hey, come on, that's ridiculous.

Gordo, you got the whole wrong idea here.

I mean, you might've caught us on our bad day.

Yeah, but Carol and I, we love each other.

Well, you sure have a weird way of showing it.

Well, maybe we do, you know, but for every bad day

we have a hundred days where we're really, really happy.

Well, more like 80-85.

But the point here, guys..

...is it doesn't matter how happily married you are

there's bound to be days when you just don't get along.

[Carol] 'Yeah, I can guarantee you, you're gonna get angry'

and you're gonna fight with each other

but that's when your love means the most

because that's what carries you through the bad times.

Yeah, and listen, I want you guys to know that marrying Carol

was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I-I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

And listen, honey, I-I'm sorry about the fight.

I made a mountain out of a mole hill.

Hell, I can watch game at Vinnie's any day.

[Carol] 'Oh, it wasn't just your fault, Frank.'

'I mean I shouldn't have volunteered you'

'for this without checking.'

No, no, but I'm sorry. Okay?

Oh, me, too. I'm sorry.

Well, yeah, but I'm more sorry.

- 'No, I'm sorry.' - 'No, I'm..'

I could be twice as sorry as you..

Hey, by the way, makin' up is a really cool part of marriage.

[instrumental music]

Thank you.

Alright, now. Go. go. Go!

[mumbling] Oh! Good!

Man! Oh, you are the man! Go, big dog!

- Frank. - Hiya, honey.

I think I made a little mistake.

Oh, that's too bad, dear. What did you do?

Well, remember when I promised I'd check with you

before I made any plans?

- You didn't. - I did. I'm sorry.

I promise it will never happen again.

But I already made plans for us for tonight.

Well, I tell you what, honey, you know, last time

I did the seminar thing for you, okay?

And I'm not gonna do it again. I'm gonna watch the game, okay?

And nothing you can say or do is gonna make me

take my eyes off this set, I'm sorry.

- Really? Hmm.. - Yeah.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear you say that, Frank

because I really thought you'd enjoy

what I had in mind for you.

But if you'd, uh, rather watch the game..

Wha-wha-what game? What-what..