Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Hey, hey, hey. - No way!

I got the new cable converter box.

Whoo-hoo! Movin' on up to pay-per-view.

Next stop, Saturday night.

The Caribbean Tropic Bikini Contest.

- Let's get this baby hooked up. - Yes.

- See if it works. - Yes, yes.

[sighs]

You know, J.T., um, should I feel guilty

that I'll be looking at girls in thongs

considering, you know, I'm goin' out with Dana?

Look at it this way, it doesn't matter

where you work up your appetite

as long as you come home for supper.

Hey, don't-don't-don't shake it like that.

- You're gonna break it. - I'm not gonna break it.

[electricity crackling]

- Oh, oh, oh. - Oh.

I think I broke it.

Great, now we can't watch the contest. Thanks to you.

Oh, I got it, we'll just hook up the converter box

to dad and Carol's TV and watch in the living room.

I don't know, J.T., if I feel comfortable looking at yabbos

while your dad and Carol are around.

Relax, man, they're not gonna be there.

They're goin' to dad's high school reunion Saturday night

and the girls are going to some lame figure skating event.

Yeah, but, J.T., our TV is still wrecked.

Hey, I got it.

Let's invite a bunch of guys over

and charge 'em to watch it with us.

Figure about 20 horny guys at 15 bucks a pop

that's enough to pay for the contest, and get a new TV.

What do you think?

I think invite a few more pathetic guys

we'll have enough for a VCR.

- Yes! - Yes!

[chuckling]

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

What do you think?

Well, I can't tell ya 'cause I have a X-rated opinion

in a PG-rated room.

[laughing]

I'm glad you like it, this is what I'm gonna wear

to your 25th high-school reunion.

Oh! Ah! God, gee.

I just threw my back out scoopin' the ice cream.

[groans]

No reunion for me, honey.

Darn, darn, darn. I'm so disappointed.

Why is it that bad things happen to good people, anyway?

Give it up, Frank, there is nothing wrong with your back.

You've been trying to weasel out of this reunion for weeks.

I don't get it. Why don't you wanna go to your reunion?

Two words.

- Roy Tucker. - Roy who?

Roy Tucker, he went to high school with me.

He was better than me at everything.

I mean, I was popular, he was the most popular.

I was good at football, he was the best at football.

I dated a cheerleader, he dated her mother.

Let it go, Frank. It was 25 years ago!

Yeah, but every time I see him, honey

he just rubs my nose in his successes.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You're not going because this one guy outdid you?

No, it's not just that.

He also forced me to arm wrestle him

in front of the whole football team.

It was the most humiliating moment of my life.

Just because he beat you?

Uh, no, not just because of that.

After he beat me, the team ran my jockstrap up the flagpole.

[laughs]

It's not funny. I was still in it.

[laughs]

Come on, Frank, don't let this guy beat you again

by intimidating you into not going to your reunion.

I, uh, honey, I know you're right.

- So you'll go? - Yes, I'll go.

But if my underwear ends up

on that flagpole, you're goin' up after it.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

Sounds good, Mikey. See you in a few minutes.

Hey, and don't forget about the 15 bucks.

Okay, bye.

Yes, that makes 20 customers

for our pay-per-view booty blow-out.

Watchin' girls in bikinis and makin' money doin' it.

Call me corny, but I'm proud to be an American.

Well, don't start wavin' your flag yet there, Billy Bob.

We still gotta get your parents and the girls out of the house

before the horn dogs arrive.

Frank, hurry up! We're gonna be late.

Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm coming. I'm comin', honey.

You know, gee, it's, uh..

It's awful windy, and-and my lips are chapped.

I'm not sure it's safe for me to go out.

We can get ChapStick on the way.

Let me get the door for you guys.

Okay, but, J.T., now, if you need us--

Yeah, yeah. Both of you, live it up, have a good time.

- Bye. - Yes! Ah!

T minus five minutes to booty blast-off.

[chuckles]

Would you guys slow down?

You still haven't told me which scarf looks better

and I wanna be properly accessorized.

Karen, we're late.

Now wrap one of those scarves around your neck

and the other one around your mouth

so we don't have to listen to you.

Okay, that's so sweet. Now you guys go on.

You go out and stay out as late as you want.

Please, have a good time and don't hurry back.

- Uh-huh. - Hey.

[shrieks]

Don't forget, Lilly has to be in bed by 8:30.

- Lilly? - Lilly?

Isn't she going with you?

Yeah, J.T., I have her right here in my purse.

No, of course, she's not going with us.

She's seven. She can't stay out that late.

- Now, take good care of her. - Okay.

Ah..

Lilly? We have to babysit Lilly?

Man, this ruins everything. Now we gotta cancel the party.

Relax, Rich. We're not cancelling anything.

Oh, let me guess, you're gonna let Lilly watch

but only charge her half price?

No, that'd be wrong.

But...what I'm gonna do

is send her on a nice, long trip to Camp Candy.

Lilly, could you come down here for a second, please?

- Pick up the grub. - Argh.

Oh, good. Pretzels, chips. Pizza!

J.T., you're throwing me a party?

You're the best big brother in the whole world.

Uh, it's not that kind of party, Lilly.

It's-it's for grown-ups only.

But what about me?

I've got somethin' much better for you

than a stinky-old grown-up party.

Check it out, you're gonna have your own

special party upstairs by yourself, huh?

Check it out, Olsen Twin videos.

Saw them.

All the M&M's you can eat.

Allergic.

- Pepperoni pizza? - I don't really like pepperoni.

Then pick off the pepperonis and throw 'em around

like little greasy Frisbees, okay?

Come on, come on.

[doorbell ringing]

I-I'll get it.

But I don't wanna go upstairs.

- I wanna stay with you. - Ah!

- Hey! - Hey, Rich.

Bring on it, baby.

[indistinct chattering]

Lilly, all the grown-ups are here

so why don't you go upstairs

and I'll check on you later, okay?

Go on. Toss those Frisbees.

J.T., I can't believe it.

You were actually able to outsmart a seven year old.

- Hey, she's almost eight. - Man.

[doorbell ringing]

- Hey! - Hey!

[instrumental music]

Frank? Frank Lambert!

Oh, put it there, you big lug.

- Tom? Little Tom Garilick? - Yeah! Yeah.

Well, I mean, they don't call me Little Tom anymore.

Frank, let me give you a little, uh, friendly advice.

Don't ever go into the potato chip business.

It's true, "No one can eat just one."

[laughing]

Alright! Uh, Tom, this is my wife, Carol.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hello.

Oh, isn't this great?

Getting everybody together like old times?

Yeah, actually, you know, it's kind of fun.

See, all that worry for nothing. I knew you'd have a good time.

Well, especially since we haven't seen you-know-who.

[laughing]

- Oh. - Oh, thanks.

Hey, let the good times roll!

Roy Tucker's in the house!

[indistinct chattering]

See you, Frank.

You know, Frank, you're having a good time.

Don't let him get to you.

Well, I'm not gonna let him

ruin my night.

Oh, it's Lambert.

My number-two man.

[laughing]

- Yeah, he just ruined my night. - Go easy, Frank.

He's with his daughter, so maybe he won't be a total jerk.

[Frank sighs]

So how is it going, Lambert?

Well, how you doin', Roy?

Roy, this is my wife, Carol. Carol, Roy Tucker.

- Carol, nice to meet you. - Hello.

A looker like you married a guy like Frank.

What are you? Blind?

[laughing]

Gee, Roy, you're exactly like Frank described.

So, uh, uh, Roy, you're gonna introduce us to your daughter?

Daughter? Better put on your specs, old man.

This is Desiree, my fiance.

I-I mean, uh, uh, nice to meet you. Really nice to meet you.

Honey, this is the guy I told you about.

I nearly ripped his arm out arm wrestling.

Hey, Roy, you know how some stories just never get old?

- Yeah. - Well, that one just did.

Ouch. Ooh. So cute.

[laughs]

Well, I just opened up my, uh, 40th tire store.

How about you, Frankie? Still, uh, painting houses?

No, Roy, that was a job I had for the summer when I was a kid.

I'm a contractor now.

- Oh, handyman. - No, not a handyman, I have a--

You know, I really wanna talk about this

but we're gonna go look at the old auditorium

because I'm thinking about donating a new one.

So later, number two.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

- Oh! Whoa! - Whoa!

J.T., I'm tired of being alone.

You wanna have a tea party with me and Mr. Buttons?

Not now, Lilly. My friends are here. Maybe later.

Here's a bag of pork rinds. Now, go upstairs, okay?

Thanks a lot.

[man on TV] 'And in just one minute'

'the judges will have tabulated the votes'

'and will announce this year's winner'

'of the Caribbean Tropic Bikini Contest.'

[all cheering]

[sighs]

Come on, Mr. Buttons, if J.T. doesn't want us here

we'll go away and have a tea party of our own.

[instrumental music]

[Caribbean music]

[indistinct chattering]

J.T., man, we got enough money for a new TV!

Yup, and this is only the beginning

because next month when Frank and Carol go camping

we're gonna host pay-per-views wet T-shirt showdown!

- Oh, yeah. Go, showdown. - Go, showdown.

- Go, showdown. Go, showdown. - Go, showdown. Go, showdown.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.. - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go..

- Oh, oh, oh.. - Oh, oh, oh..

Uh, the girls are back early.

- We're busted! - Whoa! Check it out!

Now, see, I didn't know we were having live entertainment, too.

Come on, ladies, take it off!

[all cheering]

Silence, morons!

What the hell is going on here?

Hi, honey.

We were just having some friends over to watch

"Masterpiece Theatre."

It's, uh, Sherlock Holmes

in the case of the missing thong.

[man on TV] 'And now this year's winner'

'of the Caribbean Tropic Bikini Contest..'

[clamoring]

Alright, party's over. Pack it in, perverts.

Oh, man, what a rip off! Never get to see who won.

- We want our money back. - Hey!

...big deal, actually, but, uh..

Yeah, what a rip off. We want our money back.

Yes, I'll never come back here again.

Don't even try it.

Sit!

I cannot believe

the two of you would watch something like that

when you are supposed to be babysitting Lilly.

Relax, Lilly's fine, I just saw her a little while ago.

I gave her a bag of pork rind, she went back upstairs.

She was happy as a clam.

I'll go make sure she's okay, alright.

- Hi, honey. - Don't you "Hi, honey" me!

How could you watch that sexist

degrading display

of half-naked women

frolicking on the beach?

Honey, it wasn't all frolicking.

I mean, some of these girls express

some very deep concerns about the hole

in the ozone layer.

Why? Because it melts silicon?

Lilly is not in her room.

I can't find her anywhere.

Oh, man!

I can't believe I let this happen!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

Here you go.

Ah, the nerve of that guy.

- Oh, let me guess. Roy? - Yeah.

I'm over there at the Swedish meatballs with my friends

and he had the nerve to offer me a job

as an assistant tire stacker.

He just enjoys making me feel small.

Mind if we join you, number two?

Actually, Roy, I'd rather sit on a table saw.

[chuckles] I'm just horsin'.

Park it, honey.

Frankie, you're hogging the whole table.

Come on, move over.

Ah. Ooh, I love these.

Ah. Mm..

So, you remember the wrestling try-outs in '71?

How can I forget, Roy?

You've mentioned it three times already tonight.

Yeah, but the girls haven't heard it yet.

So we're in the try-outs

'everybody thinks Frankie's got me beat'

so I pull the old switcheroo!

[chuckles]

Pinned him in three seconds flat.

New school record. Alright!

Isn't that a great story or what?

- Yeah, that was great. - Mm..

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go find a sandwich

that I left in my locker about 25 years ago.

Mm. Well, hey, I gotta go do a cam.

Why don't you two girls chitchat? Meow!

Nice reunion, huh?

Yeah, I, I don't think

my husband's having a very good time.

I could see that.

Look, I-I know that you are Roy's fiance

and I'm, I'm sure that deep, deep down he's a decent guy

but do you think you could ask him to stop being

such a jerk to my husband?

I could, but it won't help.

He does this to everybody.

Well, I don't mean to pry, I mean

but then why on Earth are you marrying this guy?

[sighs]

Look, I can't keep this up.

I'm not marrying Roy.

We just work together and he couldn't get a date tonight

so he paid me to come here.

I am a cashier.

You're an employee at one of his tire stores?

He doesn't own any tire stores.

He just works at one

as the assistant manager

in the retread department.

Oh, so he lied about his success.

Honey, he has been lyin' about everything.

[instrumental music]

Okay, thank you, officer. We'll do that. Alright.

Here's the deal, the police are gonna start looking for Lilly.

In the meantime, we should start searching the neighborhood.

We've gotta find her, now, you stay here

in case Lilly comes home or anybody calls.

J.T., at least make yourself useful, clean up this mess.

- Yeah. - Stay!

[sighs]

[crickets chirping]

Lilly, are you in there?

[Lilly] 'No.'

Thank God. Phew.

[instrumental music]

Lilly, what are you doin' in here?

We've been looking all over for you.

I'm having a tea party and you're not invited.

[sighs]

Can we talk?

Why? You don't care about me.

Of course, I do, Lilly. I love you.

Then why did you make me go upstairs

and eat pork rinds by myself?

[sighs] Because..

...I needed a new TV

and I invited all these guys over and..

Okay.

The truth is..

...I was a jerk.

There's noexcuse for what I did.

And I'm your big brother.

I should've taken care of you.

- I didn't. - Yeah, you really blew it.

Yeah, I know.

But I promise, if you forgive me

I'll neverever ignore you again

and I'll do anything to make it up to you.

- Anything? - Anything.

Would you play dress-up with me in my next tea party?

Sure. What shall I wear?

Oh, just a wig.

Mom's pink robe and red lipstick.

So will you do it?

Sure, I can't wait.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm getting our coats, honey. We are leavin'.

I'm not gonna listen to another one of Roy's stories.

Yeah, well, I just heard a story

I think you might be interested in.

Let me guess.

Is this the one where he scored the winning goal

in a hockey game by ricocheting a puck off my head?

No, no.

Desiree told me that Roy has been lying

about everything, including her.

She's not his fiance.

In fact, he had to pay her to come with him tonight.

[gasps] She's a lady of the night?

What? No, she's a cashier by day. They work together.

And he doesn't own a chain of tire stores.

He's just an assistant manager at one of them.

Oh, and by the way, his hair, it's a weave.

She told you that?

Well, no, but I'm a beautician. I know these things.

I mean, the point is that Roy's life is a disaster.

He's a miserable, unhappy

failure of a man.

Yes! Way to go, God! You're the man!

Oh, yes!

Oh. Ha-ha.

Come on, Frank, you gotta feel a little bad for him.

No, I don't.

- Well, maybe you should. - Why?

Because all your life you always thought

that Roy was the winner

but the truth is your life is a hundred times better

than Roy Tuckers.

I mean, you're an honest, self-made man.

You got a wife and kids who love you.

You're the real winner.

Number two.

[Roy chuckles]

The whole class is waitin' to see me

whoop your tail at arm wrestling again.

[indistinct chattering]

Nah, that's okay, Roy. Not tonight.

Oh-ho-ho! Come on, Frankie. You a chicken?

[laughing]

That's it, I'm rippin' his arm off.

No, I'm not gonna let him humiliate me

in front of my friends again.

- 'You show him, pal.' - 'Ho-ho-ho.'

Oh, just like old times, huh?

Yeah, Roy, just like old times

except, this time you are goin' down.

- Oh! - Oh!

That's never gonna happen, Lambert.

[laughing]

One

two, three.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Not much has changed.

You still arm wrestle like a girl.

- 'Ooh!' - 'Ooh!'

- 'Right.' - Heh-heh.

Why don't you just give up, Frankie?

'Cause you know you can't win.

And you know why?

Because I'm better than you.

I got a hot little fiance

and more money than I know what to do with.

So, face it, Frankie, I got you beat seven ways to Sunday.

- 'Go.' - 'Get him, get him.'

- 'Get him.' - Yeah!

And I won again. Yeah!

- Yeah, you sure did, Roy. - 'Yeah!'

Okay, everybody, drinks on me!

[all cheering]

Yeah.

[indistinct chattering]

- Mm-hmm. - What?

I saw what you did.

You let him win, didn't you?

Maybe.

[chuckles]

Quite a guy, Frank Lambert.

Proud of you.

[instrumental music]

Come on, J.T. You have to come down for my tea party.

[J.T.] 'Lilly, I'm not too sure about this.'

But you promised.

[J.T.] 'Are you sure nobody else is down there?'

Yes, it's just me and my stuffed animals.

[J.T.] 'Alright, I'm comin'.'

You look very pretty.

Thanks. I feel pretty.

[instrumental music]