Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Please, Mr. Twilly, can't we have

some other job in the store?

No, according to your aptitude test

you two aren't even smart enough to be mannequins.

Oh, that's bull. I thought I nailed that test.

Mr. Halke, under sex, you put

"I really, really hope so."

Well, I was just trying to answer the questions honestly.

Look, the store is about to open, just put the beards on

and make nice with the kids, or I'll hire back

the smelly old drunk that played Santa last year.

Great idea, Rich. "Let's get jobs at the department store."

- Man, this bites. - Hey, hey, hey.

I was just thinking of you, man.

Figured you could, uh, pick up on the chicks

at the cosmetics counter here.

I hear they are chubby chasers.

Oh, go back to work. Here comes our first customer.

Alright, there he is.

Now, go tell him what you want

and let's get the hell out of here.

Hey there, little man.

Welcome to Santaland, you cute little tyke.

Put a sock in it, Tinker Bell.

Well, the kid's got spunk, don't he?

- Mm. - Ah! Oh!

Sorry, not!

Ho-ho-ho, little boy.

So, what can Santa bring you for Christmas?

A train? A model airplane?

Get real, fatso.

I want a go-kart.

And a fantasy date with the Olsen twins.

Sunny, don't chew gum when you're talking to Santa.

Oh, okay.

Keep that up, shorty, only thing you're gonna get for Christmas

is a stocking full of reindeer poop.

It'll smell better than your breath, tubby.

Merry Christ-mas!

I got a little Grinch here.

Look, mommy, it's Santa. He's here, he's here.

Can I go sit on his lap?

- Please, please, please? - Oh, sure, sweetie.

Excuse me.

My little girl would like to see Sa..

Rich?

J.T.?

Oh, gosh, I don't want her to recognize you guys.

Um, honey, um, why don't we go see Santa another day, okay?

No, I want to visit him now.

Hey, Mr. Elf, put me in Santa's lap, please.

Hey, Mr. Elf, I think I've seen you before.

Uh, uh, me? Can't, impossible. Ha-ha!

You must be thinking of my cousin, Keebler.

He's the elf that makes the cookies and the tree stuff.

Hi, Santa.

Ho-ho-ho, little girl.

So, what can Santa bring you for Christmas?

Okay, I want Malibu Barbie Beach House, Jumping Jerry

a magic set and Burping Bert.

But my most special thing I want is a secret.

Oh, you could tell Santa.

I want a jewelry box that when you open it

it plays music and has a ballerina

that goes round and round.

Ho-ho-ho, that's a pretty long list.

But we'll see what we can do.

Santa, there is gum on your beard.

[gasps]

Hey, you're not Santa. You're my lame old brother, J.T.

Mommy, he's not Santa.

I-I know, but see that's because

Santa's at the North Pole because--

Because he pulled a groin muscle loading the sledge.

Right, right.

I don't believe you. This is all a big fake.

You know what I think? There is no real Santa.

[stammers] Lilly, come back. Lilly?

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Honey, where is Lilly?

She's gonna miss all the Christmas tree decorating.

[sighs] Ah, she refused to help.

I'm worried about her, Frank.

That thing at the mall with J.T. made her think

that there's no Santa.

Oh, come on, it couldn't have upset her that bad.

No, it did, when we left the store

she called the Salvation Army

Santa a big fat bell-ringing phony.

Yeah, mom's right. Lilly's pretty freaked out.

Today, she TP-ed the neighbors plastic reindeer.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get some more tinsel.

[sighs] Oh, I hate this, Frank.

I don't want Lilly to lose the fun of Christmas.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, honey.

After she sees the tree

all decorated and all the presents underneath

she'll forget about the whole thing.

Lilly? Honey?

Where are you going with all your Christmas stuff?

I'm going to give it to Jessie next door.

He's only four and still is dumb enough to believe in Santa.

Lilly, Lilly, Lilly. Honey, come here.

You know, just because there are lot of pretend Santas

doesn't mean there's not a real one.

Mom, face it. There's no real Santa.

It's all a big, fat lie.

I hate Christmas.

Boy.

This is worse than I thought.

No six year old should hate Christmas.

I know. There's so little for kids to believe in now.

I'd just hate for Lilly to lose this one.

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.

We have to do somethin' to help her believe

in Christmas and Santa Claus.

Even if it means kidnapping Rush Limbaugh

and stuffing his fat butt in a Santa suit.

[instrumental music]

Hey, this just came in the mail from grandma.

Her usual Christmas fruit cake.

Better known as "The Yule Log."

It's like the woman doesn't know the difference between

flour and speckle.

Well, look at the upside.

Run out of fire wood, we can always pop this sucker

in the fire place.

It'll burn till New Year's.

[chuckles]

- Hey, guys. Ah! - Hey.

[sighs]

You know what the drawback is to dating

ten guys at once?

Chapped lips?

That's a problem, too.

But what I was talking about is all the presents you have to buy

and all the gift wrapping you have to do.

Wait a minute, Karen, you said you're dating ten guys.

Well, there's 12 boxes here.

I know, I'm allowing a two gift cushion for any guys

I meet over the holidays.

Now, check this out.

Pretty nice, huh? Heh-heh!

And I got them in 12 different colors.

That way, nobody gets the same thing.

- Ah! - Yeah.

Aren't you the thoughtful one?

Man, life stinks.

Yeah, well, get over it, J.T.

The department store Santa has to expect to get peed on.

It's not that, I just found the Christmas present

I brought for Sam last July.

- Wow, what a gorgeous necklace. - Jeez.

Bet if Sam knew she was getting that

she'd have waited till after Christmas to dump you.

And I can't believe I let her go. I am such an idiot.

Well, can't argue with that, J.T.

Listen, you blew it with Sam.

You were too immature to make it work.

Now, quit whining and move on

because life is tough and that's how the mop flops.

The girl spreads cheer like a canker sore.

Man, I miss Sam.

My life is empty and meaningless without her.

Oh, come on, J.T, man, you gotta stop

beating yourself up about this.

You know, maybe Sam misses you, too.

- You think so? - Yeah.

If she was dumb enough to go out with you in the first place

she might be dumb enough to get back together with you.

God, I hope she's that dumb.

Listen, J.T., why don't you just go see her?

You know, give her the necklace.

- Tell her how you feel. - What if she says no?

Well, then the only thing left to do would be to

grovel like a pathetic little worm.

I could do that. Thanks, guys.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, how are you doing? - Good. And you?

Good, I'm here to get back together with my girlfriend.

See, we broke up a couple of months ago

and I finally realize I can't live without her.

Good for you.

Thanks, I'm gonna give her this Christmas present tonight

and tell her how much I love her.

Well, good luck.

By the way, your shoes are untied.

Oh, thanks.

[knock on door]

Hey, Danny! Ooh, champagne.

Oh!

'Thank you so much.'

Come on in.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I wanna a three gigabyte upgrade and an MMX motherboard

and a Bill Gates action figure.

That's tough, you're not getting any of that stuff.

But, Santa, I've been good all year.

So? That and $3.50 will get you a Frappuccino at Starbucks.

Let me tell you something, Jimmy. Life sucks.

You're born, you get disappointed and you die.

Now, beat it!

Mommy, Santa's scaring me.

You kids want the truth from Santa?

You can't handle the truth!

[Rich] Easy, sit down, sit down.

What's your problem, Barky?

Nothing, but, uh, you might wanna change your sign

to "Welcome to Satanland."

Yeah, you're supposed to make the kids feel good.

Not scare the hell out of them.

Hey, Pinocchio!

You try being jolly when your heart's

broken into a million pieces.

[sobbing]

Keep it up, J.T., they're gonna be hauling

Santa away in a padded sleigh.

Look, dude, you gotta lighten up.

You're gonna get us both fired.

Besides that, you're ruining Christmas for all the kids.

Alright now, here comes a little girl.

- Now, you be nice. - Yeah.

Okay. I'll be jolly, I promise.

Well, hi there, little girl. Welcome to Santaland.

- Wanna sit on Santa's lap? - Yeah!

Alright, come on. Whee!

Whoo! Here you go.

Ho-ho-ho, little girl. What's your name?

Samantha! But my friends call me Sam!

Sam? You mean it's Sam?

I had a girlfriend named Sam

and now she's gone!

[sobbing]

Mommy, Santa's crying!

Oh, God! Sam, why? Why?

[sobbing]

That was quite a display. I've gotta go now.

But you just stay here and keep spreading that Christmas cheer.

Well, easy there, big guy.

You're slobberin' all over your beard.

Who cares?

Well, the Santa that's gotta wear it from six to nine.

Merry Christmas.

[male #1 on TV] 'So, folks, bring the kiddies tonight for the Christmas Eve'

'special at Ribs-O-Rama, get a big slab platter'

'and meet Santa Claus.'

[male #2 on TV] 'Come on down to Row-away Motors.'

''Cause I will eat a bug to sell you a car.'

'And Santa will watch your kids. He-he-he.'

[male #3 on TV] 'Yo-yo-yo, homies! Santa's in the house.'

There's no Santa. How dumb do they think us kids are?

[groaning]

Oh, no!

Well, Merry Christmas, Lilly, Santa Claus is here.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Which one are you? The Santa from the rib place?

Or the one who sells Toyotas?

Well, I'm the real Santa, Lilly.

The one and only, that's me. Ho-ho-ho!

I don't believe in Santa anymore.

[gasps]

You don't?

Well, look at my belly.

And when I laugh, it shakes like a bowl full of jelly.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I bet you haven't seen a gut like this

since they yanked Roseanne off the air.

[laughs]

Come on, you're not really Santa Claus...are you?

Well, now, let me see.

It is Christmas Eve. You've been a good little girl.

And I've got a sack full of toys.

I must be Santa Claus.

You know I've been good?

Oh, I know who's been naughty or nice.

Uh, take your brother J.T., for instance.

He hasn't paid his rent in a while.

And we stuff his stockin' full of eviction notices.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Gee! You really are Santa!

Oh! Yeah, Lilly, the one and only.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho! Oh..

Oh, my God!

- If you're Santa Claus.. - Huh?

Who's that?

- Uh, um.. - Ahem.

- Uh...I'm, uh, Mrs. Claus. - 'Ho-ho-ho!'

Yes, yes, I'm Claudia Claus.

Yes, yes, I'm just here helping Santa out

on his very busy night.

If you're Mrs. Claus, how come you have a beard?

Uh, 'cause, uh..

I forgot to shave this morning.

You think her face is hairy, you should see her legs.

Ho-ho-ho!

She's got more fur than Prancer.

Ho-ho-ho!

Uh, thank you, Santa.

Oh, she's a real winter woman. Ho-ho-ho!

Well, everything's under control here, Mrs. Claus.

So, you can, uh, move along now.

Okay, Santa.

Well, I'll be seeing you at home.

- Oh, fly safely. - Yeah! Okay.

Well, bye, Lilly, and-and Merry Christmas.

- Yeah! Ho-ho-ho.. - 'Merry Christmas.'

Ho-ho-ho!

- Oh! - Oh, look who we have here.

Yeah, who do we have there?

We-we have, uh, well, we have our son!

- 'Oh!' - Santa Jr.

Oh! It's Jay. Ho, good to see ya. Ho-ho-ho!

- No, it's not. - Huh?

It's Mark and you're daddy and you're mommy.

And you're all a bunch of fakes.

Just like J.T.

[sighs] Well, thanks a lot, Frank.

Why didn't you tell me you were gonna dress up like Santa?

Me? Oh, come on. I was here first.

And what about you, stretch?

You look like Santa on SlimFast.

Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, forget it!

[instrumental "Silent Night"]

[yawning]

Oh, my..

Here we go again.

Hello, Lilly, Merry Christmas.

Which one are you? Mom, dad, J.T. or Mark?

Actually, my name is Kris, Kris Kringle.

But my friends call me Santa Claus.

With a fakey lookin' beard, I don't think so.

Ow!

Wow, it's real.

Of course, it is.

Who did you think I was, the Easter Bunny?

So, your beard is real. Anybody could have a real beard.

Yes, but would anybody know that this is the one gift

that you really wanted for Christmas?

A jewelry box!

It's the jewelry box with the little ballerina.

Just like I wanted.

But how did you know?

The only one I told was J.T.

when he was pretending to be Santa.

That's why I have all the other assistant Santas

to help me, Lilly.

So I can find out what boys and girls

all over the world want.

You know, it's not easy tracking 5.7 billion people.

Even with Windows 95, a 56K modem

and my own website, santa.com.

Wow! You are the real Santa! Mommy, daddy, come quick!

I'm real to everyone who believes in me.

- I do, Santa. I do. - Ho-ho!

Mommy, daddy, hurry up!

Come quick!

What is it, Lilly? Are you okay?

[Frank] Yeah, honey, what happened?

It's Santa. Santa's here, the real one.

Where did he go? He was just here.

Well, he probably went up the chimney.

Well, sure, honey. You know, that's how he leaves the house.

Oh, yeah! But look what he gave me.

It's what I really, really wanted.

Let me see that.

Oh, isn't that pretty.

Oh, I'm so happy for you, Lilly. Ooh!

I can't wait to go back to sleep, so when I wake up

I can open the rest of my presents.

[chuckles]

[sighs] Well, looks like she'll have a great Christmas after all.

- Yep. - Thanks, Frank.

- Hmm? - That was a great idea.

Hiring someone to play Santa.

I didn't do that, honey.

I thought you did.

[sleigh bells ringing]

[instrumental music]

Okay! Ready, set, open!

Surprise! I fooled you. Ha-ha-ha!

I didn't buy these just for my boyfriends.

I got them for everybody who loves me.

Well, they're lovely. Thank you, Karen.

- Hmm. - Thanks.

What's the matter, J.T.? Don't you like yours?

It's great, I love it. Merry Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho.

Hey, J.T., I know you're a little

down on the dumps about Sam.

But it is Christmas. Why don't you try and enjoy it, huh?

You know, uh, J.T., I, uh, have something that

I think might cheer you up.

Dana, even you moving out wouldn't cheer me up.

Alright, just shut up and close your eyes.

Dana, if this is some kinda goof

I'm not in the mood for playin' around.

Uh, I think you'll wanna play around with this.

Merry Christmas, J.T.

Sam!

'What're you doin' here?'

Well, Dana came over and told me everything.

J.T., I really miss you, too.

But what about that good lookin' blond guy

I saw at your place the other night?

That guy was my cousin, Danny.

Really? Oh, man, this is so great.

Sam, I've been missing you since the day we broke up.

- Then shut up and kiss me. - Mmm.

Dana..

...I don't know what to say.

That alone is present enough for me.

Merry Christmas, J.T.

Merry Christmas, Dana. Ah!

Hey..

This turned out to be a great Christmas after all.

- Yes. - Yay!

[instrumental music]

Oh, let's put down our eggnog

and sing some Christmas Carols, okay?

Come on, Dana, you play.

I wanna make sure I get my money's worth

out of all those piano lessons I gave you.

"Hark the Herald Angels Sing." Okay?

- Okay. - Ah!

- Okay. Here we go. - Okay.

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪

♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪

♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪

♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪

♪ With angelic host proclaim ♪

♪ Christ is born in Bethlehem ♪

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪♪

- Good job! - Thank you.

- Good. Yeah. - This one's nice.

[bell rings]