Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[balloon deflating]

Man, that's so cool.

Hi, are you like five?

Could you knock it off with the balloon tune?

I'm trying to read here.

Excuse me, Einstein.

How many actual words are there in the swimsuit issue?

It just so happens I'm learning

a lot of educational stuff about Fiji.

Yeah, like it's a great place

to catch Elle Macpherson in a thong.

Hey! Where's my grape soda?

[burping]

You're out.

That was my grape soda.

So, that was my Ding Dong you scarfed down this morning.

So we're even.

No, we're not even.

You drank my grape soda

so Iam gonna eat your Cap'n Crunch.

Hey!

You get your hands off the Cap'n.

- Bite me. - No, I mean it, man.

You get your hands off my cereal.

- It's mine! - No. No, it's mine!

Nice going, dipstick.

Fine, you wanna play hardball?

You wreck my Cap'n Crunch?

I am going to take your..

...Lucky Charms.

Take your hands off the Charms..

...and nobody gets hurt.

Halke!

Halke, you're dead. You're dead!

Aah!

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Now, sweetie, after you take in my dry cleaning

I need you to drop my books off at the library.

Oh, and then pick up my nail polish at the pharmacy.

Talk to Diane.

- She's my person there. - Right. Diane.

Oh, and is today the day I'm supposed to do your ironing?

No, that's Thursdays.

But uh, if you have time, you can put

a fresh crease in my culottes.

Alright, okay, well, um, bye, everybody.

- Bye. - Hm.

- Bye, Karen. - Bye, Chipper.

Oh..

Um, Karen, I could be wrong here, but, um, didn't Lincoln

free the slaves?

Karen, Chip seems like a nice guy.

Don't you think you're kinda taking advantage of him?

Oh, not at all.

He told me, making me happy makes him happy.

So actually, by letting him run my errands

I'm doing him a favor.

It's just my way of giving something back.

Well, thank you, Saint Karen of Assisi.

[instrumental music]

Halke!

You miserable little worm.

Gee, J.T., what happened? Retaining water?

This creep shrunk my clothes.

I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't have washed 'em in hot water.

I was just trying to do you a favor.

No, you weren't, you did this on purpose

to try to make me look like a fool.

Actually, I think the look is more village idiot

but I guess fool works.

Oh, you think this is funny, huh?

No. I don't think it's funny.

I, uh, I think it's hysterical.

[laughing]

That's it, chum. Get up! Come on!

- Your butt is toast. Come on! - Oh, yeah? Fine.

You want a piece of me, huh? You want a piece of me?

'Cause I'll rearrange your face.

Take your best shot, weasel boy.

- Yes! Chick fight! - 'Come on!'

- Come on! Buckle up there! - Kick your butt!

- Alright, alright, alright! - Come on!

Boy, your fighting is starting to tick me off.

Oh, J.T., does your daddy have to save you?

Did your daddy..

Sorry, Mr. L.

- Throw him out, dad. - I can't throw him out.

I need his rent so I can loan you the money to pay yours.

Now, you guys have to find a way to solve this

and you have to do it fast.

I have an idea.

Why don't you two get some counseling?

Forget it, I don't need to waste money

to find out Rich is a jerk.

I was just thinking that maybe I could counsel you.

I think you should just duke it out.

No, no, no. No. Now, wait a minute.

I have gotten straight A's in psychology

and this semester we're studying dysfunctional relationships.

So I can help you settle your differences

and get a term paper out of it.

Yeah, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Of course you are, she's your girlfriend

and she hates my guts.

True.

But, uh, the way you've been fighting lately

I hate both of your guts.

Actually, I feel the same way.

Now I don't care how you solve it

but you have to stop this fight

or I'm throwing the both of you out.

Okay, Dr. Barky.

We'll see you tomorrow at 4:00.

I should be able to pry the underwear

out of my butt by that time.

[instrumental music]

[sniffing]

Hi, Chip. Where's Karen?

Oh, uh, she's upstairs taking a shower.

I just brought her over this new shampoo.

She is sure it's gonna give her hair just the right bounce.

What are you doing with those magazines?

Oh, I'm taking all the perfume samples out of them.

That way, Karen can decide which one

she wants me to pick up for her.

What do you think of this one?

- How much does it cost? - $55 an ounce.

- She'll love it. - Great.

Chip, I don't like to meddle

but doesn't it bother you to run all over Port Washington

just to find a shampoo with the right amount of bounce?

Oh, I didn't get the shampoo here.

I had to go to Chicago for it.

It's got jojoba.

You went to Chicago just to get Karen shampoo?

Oh, I wouldn't have gone there just to get shampoo.

- I'm glad to hear that. - Yeah.

She also wanted me to pick up the new French "Vogue."

It doesn't go on sale here until tomorrow.

Oh, we better talk.

Chip, now, I love my daughter.

But Karen has a tendency to be slightly manipulative.

Thanks for the tip.

I'll watch out for that.

Chip, it's happening already. Think about it!

Karen's treating you like a delivery boy.

You know, now that you mention it, uh

this relationship does seem a little one-sided.

As a matter of fact, on my way home

from Detroit the other day--

You went to Detroit?

Well, yeah, they were all out of the magazine

she wanted in Chicago.

Oh, for God's sake, Chip.

Don't you have any self-respect?

Karen's treating you like her personal servant

and you are letting her walk all over you.

Now, damn it, Chip, stand up to her!

You know, Mrs. Lambert..

...you're right.

I am being taken advantage of here and I do not like it.

Well, tell her how you feel.

Doggone it, I will.

I can't believe they passed this off

as a salon formula shampoo.

They call this bounce?

It doesn't have an ounce of bounce.

Chip, would you be an angel and write an angry letter

to the company that I can sign?

No.

Did he say no?

I don't like to meddle.

Uh, Karen, I have just had a very

eye-opening conversation with your mother.

She has really, uh, straightened me out

about our relationship.

I think I'll be leaving now.

No, Mrs. Lambert, I, I want you to hear this.

Karen, since we have been going out

I have been the only one that's going out.

I mean, I've-I've been going out to Chicago

I've been going out to Detroit.

The bottom line is, uh..

I think you've been taking advantage of me.

Chip, what's gotten into you?

Maybe a little backbone.

You know, this relationship isn't working for me anymore.

Karen, I've made a decision. We're through.

- What? - What?

Goodbye, Karen.

Thank you, Mrs. Lambert.

Oh, next time, get your own jojoba.

[instrumental music]

What did you say to him?

Who, Chip?

Yes.

I go upstairs to take a shower

and when I come back, my sweet little Chipper

throws me away like a polyester pantsuit.

You must have put the idea in his head.

No, no, I did not tell him to break up with you.

I just told him to stop letting you take advantage of him.

I do not take advantage of him.

You sent him to Detroit to buy a magazine.

See, that is where you're wrong.

I didn't send him to Detroit, I sent him to Chicago.

They were out. Is that my fault?

Karen, that is bull.

You treated him like dirt and now you're paying for it.

Well, thanks a lot.

From now on, I'd appreciate it

if you'd stay out of my relationships.

Hey! What is all this yelling about?

I'm trying to study in here.

You're not gonna believe what mom just did.

Well, then don't bother telling me. Just hold it down.

Al!

She interfered in my relationship with Chip.

And now he dumped me.

Alright!

It's about time someone freed Willie. Way to go, Carol.

Don't tell me you're taking her side.

It's not about sides. it's about right and wrong.

Exactly. We're right and you're wrong.

I don't believe it. The whole world's against me.

Aw, not the whole world.

Just your family.

What?

[instrumental music]

[Dana] 'You know, I think you should know'

that in my approach to therapy

I've borrowed generously from the great Sigmund Freud

and while not a strict Freudian, we do share one rule.

No eating.

Now...if we're gonna solve this

we need to go all the way back to the beginning.

Okay.

[exhales] Well, I had a really tough time

with my potty training.

Not that far back, you doofus.

What I meant was, before all the fighting started, okay?

So how were things when you first moved in together?

- Oh. - Well, um..

They were great. I was happy.

J.T.?

Yeah, things were great.

I mean, we really clicked.

And we like the same music and movies.

Gee, we used to go to the movies a lot.

Then we'd come home, stay up the whole night

just talkin'.

Some nights we just didn't have to talk at all.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We always knew what each other was thinkin'.

Yeah.

Well, the Sunday mornings were my favorite.

We'd get up, we'd read the newspaper together.

That's right, you'd read the sports section

- I'd read the funnies. - Well, then we'd yell..

- "Switch." - "Switch."

- And we would. - We would, yeah.

Every time.

Oh, God, I miss those days.

[both sigh]

This is good.

Strange, but good.

So, what went wrong?

I'll tell you what went wrong.

He started naggin' me. Nag, nag, nag.

Yeah, well, maybe I wouldn't be such a nag

if you didn't turn into a selfish filthy slob.

I kept coming home and tripping over your laundry

and your leftover pizza, even your damn toenail clippings.

Would you just clip your toenails on your own bed?

I do. It's not my fault they fly across the room.

Well, next time give me a warning and I won't sleep

with my mouth open.

Guys, it's obvious that this isn't working, alright?

So let's move on to role playing.

Cool. Can I be James Bond?

No, Brainiac, she means I pretend to be you

and you pretend to be me.

Sorry, I can't. I'm too tall.

Ow, ha-ha. Oh, my side. My side.

Well, I certainly can't be you because I have a brain.

Oh-oh, my side! Ho-ho, ho-ho!

You have a brain? Your brain's this big.

Yeah, at least I have one, I'd rather have a little one

than have no brain at all.

- Alright, stop! - You have no brain whatsoever!

Now if you're gonna act like children

I'm gonna treat you like children, alright?

We'll use this stuff that I got from the psych department.

Now, either we try the role playing now

or we move on to puppet therapy.

So, who wants to be Puffy and who wants to be Fluffy?

Role playing it is.

I knew you'd see it my way.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell ringing]

[Karen] 'Chip.'

Hello, Karen.

Would you like to come in?

Fine, but uh, I think you should know

the only reason I'm here is to collect all the money I laid out

for your dry cleaning and cosmetics.

Here's an itemized statement.

Of course.

[sighs] Can we talk first?

Fine.

I just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you.

Look, you have every right to be mad.

And I understand why you broke up with me.

But if you'd give me a second chance

things would be different.

Oh, well, uh..

I usually don't do this.

I mean, you know, ahem, I'm more of a, uh

love 'em and leave 'em kinda guy.

But, uh..

...I'll give it a shot.

Oh, Chip, that would be wonderful.

- You won't regret it. - Okay, on one condition.

Alright? We do things on my terms.

Dinner tomorrow night, 7:30, I'm thinkin' Chinese.

- I hate Chinese. - Karen?

But I could try it again.

You know, I'm starting to like the new assertive Chip.

You know, so am I.

Yeah, as a matter of fact..

...I think, I'm gonna tell my mom

I can stay out later than 10:30.

[instrumental music]

So what do you see in this one?

Cameron Diaz on a bear skin rug.

- How 'bout this one? - Cameron Diaz in a hot tub.

- And this one? - Mm.

Cameron Diaz naked on a Zamboni.

So you see Cameron Diaz in all of these ink blots?

Hey, don't blame me, you're the one who brought

all the sexy pictures.

Alright, I've tried every psychological technique I know.

The only thing left is bataka sticks.

- Oh. Thai food, I could eat. - Mmm!

No. These are bataka sticks.

Their purpose is to help you get rid of your anger.

Now, I want you to say how you feel

then hit the bed as hard as you can

with the bataka sticks.

- Hit the bed? - Yes!

That way you get rid of your anger and nobody gets hurt.

But what's the point if I can't hit the little weasel boy?

Hey, if you listen for once in your life

maybe she'll explain it to ya.

Hey! Don't try to sneak in a free one.

You do that again, and I'll break your face.

Do what again? This?

- That's it, you're dead, man. - Oh!

Alright! Okay, okay!

[indistinct shouting]

Wait a minute. You're supposed to be hitting the bed.

You're supposed to be hitting the bed!

[clamoring]

Please, just..

Stop it! Just stop it!

Ah, Barky, calm down.

You're gonna bust a blood vessel.

- Yeah, honey, relax. - "Relax?"

I've spent the last two hours

watching you two rip each other apart!

This has been a total waste of time!

You shouldn't be roommates! You shouldn't even be friends!

As a matter of fact, you should never even

talk to each other again, 'cause it's obvious

that you hate each other's guts!

Now, honey..

I mean, uh..

I may be ticked off at J.T.

but...I don't exactly hate him.

Yeah. Barky, sit down here.

- Yeah, sweetie. - You look a little pale.

I mean, hate's a-a really strong word.

I use that for really terrible things.

You know, like, school, work, John Tesh.

What about, uh, Michael Bolton?

Oh, man, he sucks big time, man.

Hey, you remember, remember that girl you went out with

that kinda looked like Michael Bolton?

[laughing]

Oh, yeah, yeah, you went out with her roommate

the Russian chick, you know, the one with the mustache?

[laughing]

[Rich] 'Oh, yeah, remember we took 'em to a dark place'

where no one would see us?

Oh, yeah! And the pathetic part was they dumped us.

[laughing]

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, remember, remember

then afterwards we went to th-this

all-night taco stand and we got food poisoning?

Oh, yeah, then we spent the whole night

hurling in the alley.

[both laughing]

- Damn, those were good times. - They sure were.

- Oh. - Whoo.

Well, sounds like you two had some

pretty great, lousy times together.

Yeah, I guess we kinda did.

It would be a shame for it to all end now.

Yeah, I bet there's thousands of lame things

we haven't even done yet.

J.T., I'm sorry, I was acting like such a nag.

I promise I'll work on it.

Oh, it's okay, buddy, you only nag me

because I was such a slob.

And I promise, from now on

I'll clip my toenails outside, huh?

Fair enough.

So what do you say, huh?

- Stay roommates? - Better.

What do you say we stay friends?

I love you, man.

I love you, man. Come here, aw!

- Ah. - Oh.

Sorry, I just got a little carried away.

No, no, no. Come back here, yeah.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Come on, Xena, kickin' butt, takin' name.

Ooh!

J.T., what are you doin'?

I'm watchin' my future wife slay a cyclops.

- Oh. - Hey!

This place is a pigsty, man.

I thought you promised you'd stop acting like a slob.

And you promised to stop naggin' me.

- Nag, nag, nag. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I wouldn't nag you so much if you wouldn't..

Alright, wait a second.

Before we get into another fight

we should just do what Dana told us to do.

I think you're right.

You know, Puffy

when you make a mess, it hurts my wittle feelings.

I'm sorry, Fluffy.

From now on, I'll be a good boy.

Good, 'cause I'm tired of living with a big selfish slob.

And I'm tired of living with a little whiny nag!

Oh, yeah?

Bite me, sock boy!

[indistinct chatter]