All language subtitles for Shaun.Micallef.s.MAD.AS.HELL.S11E05.720p.iVIEW.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-GBone

(NEW-WAVE THEME MUSIC)

# Mad as hell. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much.

Well, now, Australia has always been
ashamed of its penal history.

As well it should. It is disgusting.
(LAUGHTER)

Years ago, people were sent here
from Great Britain,

served out their sentence

and then weren't allowed to go back
home - they had to stay here.

Now, today, we're much kinder,

and if you come over here
and are convicted of a crime,

then you get to go back home
after your time in prison

whether you like it or not.
(LAUGHTER)

Now, the New Zealand prime minister,
Jacinda Ardern,

doesn't like that arrangement,

and had no trouble
telling our prime minister -

Scott Morrison...
(LAUGHTER)

..during the Australia versus
New Zealand press conference

in Sydney on Friday.

She says that
many of these New Zealanders

have lived here so long,
they're Australian.

Now, Scott Morrison says this is
not in the national interest.

And fair enough, too.

Apart from Russell Crowe,
Keith Urban,

John Clarke, Lorde,

Sam Neill, Alan Brough,

Tony Martin, Split Enz,
Rebecca Gibney

and, uh, lamingtons...
(LAUGHTER)

..when have we ever treated anything
from New Zealand as Australian?

And you know who I blame
for all this?

Well, do you?!

The Dutch!
(LAUGHTER)

If Willem Janszoon had bothered
to circumnavigate

the whole of our coastline
back in 1606,

he might have included
New Zealand as well

and we'd all be one country now and
deportation wouldn't be an issue.

There's be no jokes about
Australian or New Zealand accents,

because we'd all sound
like Rutger Hauer.

(LAUGHTER)

There'd be windmills everywhere, so
no problem generating clean power.

And we'd all love each other
and be relaxed about things

because of the legalised
prostitution and opium.

(LAUGHTER)

But no, no, no, Willem Janszoon,
probably wacked out on cooj,

couldn't be bothered
finishing the map!

Looked at the top bit, thought,

"Oh, yeah, it's probably
half submerged like back home.

"I'm off. See you later."
(LAUGHTER)

So, thanks a lot, Holland,
for driving a wedge between

Jacinda Ardern, one of the most
loved world leaders in the world,

and Scott Morrison,
one of the most...

..Australian leaders
in this country.

(LAUGHTER)

So, come on, let's all boo
the Netherlands. Everybody, come on!

(BOOING)

(LAUGHS) Yes! Fair enough, too.
(LAUGHTER)

Well, coming up a little later on,

racism in our hospitals
over the coronavirus,

with medical staff of Asian
appearance targeted by patients.

We talk to a doctor
who may have the solution.

Oh, I...
(LAUGHTER)

I don't want to say what it is
just yet, Shaun.

Let's save it for later on.
Yeah, yeah, no.

That's a very, very good idea.

Also, in response
to News Corp's claim

that the ABC is out of touch
with ordinary Australians,

we speak with 17th-century
French fabulist Jean de la Fontaine

in another language
about how to glaze a partridge.

(LAUGHTER)

Eh bien, Shaun, c'est tout simple.

Vous prendrez d'abord
un grand pot de miel de fourmi...

Oh! (EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHTER)

Non! Ah, mes yeux! Aaaarrggggh!

And that's coming up
a little later on.

Well, Labor's
net-zero-emissions-by-2050 target

does have its detractors,

the not least of which is
former reasonable Liberal senator,

Finance Minister Mathias Cormann.

Just because Anthony Albanese
and Mark Butler

make meaningless pronouncements

without telling us how they would
achieve what they're committing to,

without telling us about the impact
on the budget, the economy,

on jobs, on living standards,
on, you know, wages,

and indeed on what
global emissions would be,

you know, it means nothing.

And, I mean, look, I mean,
inside the Labor Party,

there's obviously
a growing rebellion

against this sort of reckless
and irresponsible approach

by Anthony Albanese
and Mark Butler...

(SNORES)
(LAUGHTER)

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Spokesborg for Mathias Cormann
Darius Horsham, is he right?

Of course he's right!
Mathias is always right!

Well, I mean, he wasn't right
when he supported Peter Dutton

in the leadership spill
against Malcolm Turnbull.

No, he wasn't right then,
but, uh...that's true...

And he wasn't right
when he accidentally supported

Pauline Hanson's motion
that it's OK to be white.

Yes, he got that wrong as well...

And look, he was a little off

when he sang 99 Luftballons
with Nena that time.

We have it here.

# Auf neunund...
# Neunzig Luftballons

Yoo! Clap your fucking hands!
Come on!

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, alright!
He's not always right!

But on this occasion, he is.

You can't commit to something
when you don't know

whether you'll have the money
to pay for it.

What about the 158 million
three-stage tax cut package

you promised before
the last election,

stage two of which won't kick in
till 2022/23

and stage three in 2024/25?

You don't know what the economy
will be like in four to seven years.

You don't even know whether
you'll be in government by then.

Shaun, don't shit on my leg
and tell me it's a brown kitten!

They are two completely separate,
different things.

One is a thoughtful guesstimate

based on what might happen
if everything goes our way,

and the other is
an irresponsible pipedream

based on hope for the future.

Mathias's point is that

you can't look at a problem
regardless of the cost

and say, "OK, whatever needs
to be done, we'll commit to it."

Well, mmm...

(LAUGHTER)

But didn't Mathias say this

about the government's role
in the bushfire recovery?

There was a very clear and there
remains a very clear commitment

to do whatever needs to be done.

Shaun, you are being
an economic girly-man!

None of us can predict the future.
Things happen.

Arsonists light fires,
a Chinese man eats a armadillo,

Peter Dutton doesn't turn out to be
as popular as we all thought.

Yes, but I...
Listen, if I had a time machine

or some sort of translucent
electrical sphere

I could use to travel
across the fourth dimension,

I would encourage everyone in
the Cabinet to go back 40 years ago

and listen to when
those hippie scientists

first warned us
about the climate change.

We could come back, formulate
some sort of climate change policy,

Malcolm would still
be prime minister,

and Mathias wouldn't look
so miserable all the time.

Darius Horsham, many thanks.
Fantastic.

But I would like to defend
the Prime Minister -

Scott Morrison - if I may.

Um...
(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, I don't understand.

In what way is Scott Morrison
like Benny Hill?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, having been criticised

for his tardy response
to the bushfire crisis,

the PM went on the front foot
this week,

declaring a coronavirus emergency in
Australia before there even was one.

And this sort of
pre-emptive approach

is not new to this government.

Last year, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg
declared a budget surplus

before there was one.
(LAUGHTER)

But the thing about
the coronavirus outbreak is

that it's the perfect emergency
for Scott Morrison,

because the desire to travel
overseas in the middle of it

is inherently reduced.
(LAUGHTER)

Having said that, I'm not sure

his advice on beating
the coronavirus is medically sound:

(LAUGHTER)

So, what is this plan -
or, more accurately,

collection of paper held together
with a small bulldog clip?

Well, according to
this newspaper report...

(LAUGHS) "Newspaper report"!

Sounds so quaint, doesn't it?

According to this newspaper report,

it's a guide
for states and territories

to get ready to provide
fever clinics and quarantine areas

if there's a community outbreak.

And which areas will get these
fever clinics and quarantine areas?

Well, according to these documents,
that will depend...

(LAUGHTER)
..on how marginal your seat is.

Speaking of which, despite a damning
report from the Auditor-General,

a report from the PMO's Office
that hasn't been released,

a report from the Attorney-General,
Christian Porter,

that hasn't been delivered,

and an ongoing Senate inquiry,

the sports rorts affair
continues not to go away.

In fact, the more we learn,

the less the PM seems to have known
about it originally -

a fitting subject for tonight's
Sprortsreprort...Resprortsreport...

(SPORTY STING)

Draymella Burt from the PMO,

136 emails between Bridget
McKenzie's office and the PMO

about sports grants,

the last being from Bridget herself
to the PM himself

one day before
the election was called,

enclosing pages from
the colour-coded spreadsheet

and recommending grants,

73% of which were not recommended
by Sports Australia,

which were next day, when the
government was in caretaker mode,

sent to Sports Australia
in a letter backdated a week before.

What's your point?
(LAUGHTER)

Well, my point is that these
sports rorts stink to high heaven.

In fact, it's worse than that.
According to Labor's Chris Bowen:

(LAUGHTER)

See? Not "stinks TO high heaven",
"stinks FROM high heaven".

Suggesting that
all this pork-barrelling

has come from the very top.

Shaun, as Scott said in parliament
all last week ad nauseum

and will no doubt continue to say,

the decision-maker in this process
was the minister for sport,

not the Prime Minister.

Nor is it, as Chris Bowen seems
to be suggesting, God.

As Christian Porter tried
to make clear on Scott's behalf,

the Prime Minister cannot be
expected to know about these things.

What, the Prime Minister
cannot be expected to know

what's going on in
the Prime Minister's Office?

Duh!
(LAUGHTER)

What, so the PM's not corrupt,
he's just incompetent?

Alright, I want to ask you about the
PM's meeting with Jacinda Ardern.

Oh, yeah?
Alright.

Now, she thinks New Zealanders who
have lived over here for many years,

paid their tax and NDIS levy
should be entitled to make claims.

Shaun, it's bad enough when actual
disabled Australians use the NDIS.

The last thing we want
is disabled foreigners

taking advantage of our generosity.

Rest assured, though,
that any money not claimed

thanks to our Kafkaesque
administrative system

is going to a good cause.

What, the surplus?

Well, thanks to diseased Chinese
and hard-to-please overseas tourists

who think they're a bit too good
to holiday in a pile of charcoal,

we've had to dip into it.

The whole point of having a surplus
is that you don't dip into it.

Yeah, well, you seem quite happy

to dip into your surplus
Kyoto credits when it suits you!

Ha ha! That told her!

(LAUGHTER)

The decision-maker in that process

is the Energy and Emissions
Reduction Minister,

not the Prime Minister.

Oh, shut up!

And to thank you
for coming along tonight

and participating in the interview,
Draymella,

please accept this Therapy Hornet
courtesy of Mad As Hell.

(LAUGHTER)

Relieve anxiety with the calming
buzz of a giant European hornet.

May sting you to death if released.

Mmm, dat's nice! (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.

To ourselves now, and Australians
love to see the little guy win,

and when it comes to underdogs,

you don't get much more under or
doglike - as in politically rabid -

than the ABC, which I'm pleased
to say has scored a landmark win

by overtaking News.com.au

as Australia's most popular
digital news site.

And when you look at the quality
of the stories on News.com.au

that Aunty has been up against:

(LAUGHTER)

..yes, it's a victory
to be proud of, isn't it?

So, a round of applause
for ourselves,

I think, ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
That's very good.

And, um...

And now some booing, because we're
getting a bit too full of ourselves.

Just some booing.
(BOOING)

And if you've just tuned in,

I did ask the audience
to boo just then, I swear.

Now, if you were gonna do
an infomercial for extremism,

I think it'd probably go
a little bit like this.

I mean, terrorism comes in...
uh, and extremism comes in...

..in many different flavours
and many different colours.

(LAUGHTER)

And while the Prime Minister makes
extremism sound like ice-cream,

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton

made it sound
slightly less delicious

when he said that there was a need
to deal with "left-wing lunatics".

So, more bad news for the ABC there.
(LAUGHTER)

Whoo!

Head of culture in the Home Affairs
Department Brion Pegmatite,

if, as Mr Dutton says, right-wing
lunatics or left-wing lunatics

are a threat to our country,

wouldn't that threat disappear

if we had a minister capable
of outsmarting lunatics?

(LAUGHTER)

What?

Well, how stupid are we
if lunatics are a threat to us?

Look, it's just
what ASIO is telling us.

Our intelligence has got nothing
to do with our stupidity.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, but when Mr Dutton says...
Have you seen the latest Newspoll?

Scott Morrison's approval rating
is still trailing Anthony Albanese

as preferred leader.

Well, it's only by a per cent.

It's still enough, Shaun.
(LAUGHTER)

You seem very troubled by it.

Oh, no-one enjoys seeing their
leader being loathed and despised

by an ever burgeoning proportion
of the electorate

intent on punishing the party
for his transgressions

and throwing an otherwise good
government out of office

unless they do something about it.

Well, he has narrowed the gap...

Appalling, multiple transgressions
and errors of judgement

that Australians won't forget

because they keep being brought up
time and time again, don't they?

Well, they do seem to be, yes.
Like the Hawaiian holiday.

Yes, but he's narrowed
the gap, though.

He's narrowed the gap, though,
by two points.

Given everything going on...
No surplus as promised.

Nearly charging
coronavirus evacuees 1,000.

Those 136 emails linking his office
with the sports rorts affair.

Yeah, I know, but despite all that,
he's only 1% away from Albo.

You've got to admire that.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes...he's...good!

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thanks for your time, Brion.
My pleasure.

Where is it?

(LAUGHTER)

Of course, the last thing
we want to do on this show

is be unfair to Peter Dutton.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Because terrorism is
a serious issue,

and we should play
the full quote from Peter.

If somebody is going to
cause harm to Australians,

I just don't care whether
they're on the far right, far left

or somewhere in between -
they will be dealt with.

Yes, be wary of the far right
and the far left by all means,

but it's those MODERATE extremists
we've really got to watch out for.

Well, after the break, it was a car
that defined us a nation.

If you weren't eating a pie
with one hand,

marking a football in the other

and driving into a kangaroo
with the bullbar of your Holden,

you weren't Australian.

But now this -
do we now need the Luxury Car Tax,

which applies to vehicles
worth more than 67,500,

given we now have
no local car industry to protect?

Senator without portfolio
Matt Canavan thinks this.

I do think what should be looked at,
though, is whether or not

we should be imposing
a Luxury Car Tax on our farmers.

The argument presumably being

that farmers HAVE to buy vehicles
that cost over 67,500.

Perhaps it's some sort of fetish
peculiar to those working the land

that we inner-city latte-drinking
types simply don't understand.

MAN: No, well, hang on, hang on.
Now, I'd like... Oh, excuse me.

Yes? Yes, the man whose weapon
we confiscated earlier?

(LAUGHTER)

Now, hang on a minute, Shaun.
Now, I'm an astronaut...

Yes?
(LAUGHTER)

..and I have to have a spaceship
to do my job.

Are they gonna do anything about
bringing the price of that down?

Yes, well, you don't buy
the spaceship, do you?

(SCOFFS) Not with that bloody tax
on it, I don't!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, well, what do you think?
Um...about anything generally?

Send your thoughts

to the ABC Because
They Like That Sort of Thing,

and you could be in in the running
to win a Peter Dutton buttonaire,

with hidden microphone and camera
to spy on even your closest friends.

VOICEOVER: Catch up with
all your favourite characters

when Call The Midwife
returns to ABC.

You're going to be fine,
Sister Monica Joan.

Although, you are likely
to die soon.

Dr Turner.
Who are you?

I'm Sister Julienne.
Julienne?

Shouldn't you be
chopping vegetables?

I'm delighted to hear
you're going to be fine.

He says I'm going to die.

You're a glass-half-empty one,
aren't you?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who can that be?
At two o'clock in the afternoon?

Can I help you?

Come in. Let us help you.
You'll be fine.

Although, you could die soon.

Wait! Please!

Let us help you!

Wait. There's no need
to be frightened.

I'm just trying to help.

Please, let us help you!
Something's obviously on your mind!

Wait! Please, let us help you!

Wait! There's nothing
to be afraid of!

I am just trying to help you!

Please, let me help you!
(SOBS)

Sister! Sister!

What is it?

I think my waters have broken!

Welcome back. Well, Margaret Court -
does she have a point?

Should we be...
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)

Should we be less tolerant
of the LGBTQI community,

and is it reasonable of her church

to set up a consulate for
an anti-gay African regime?

Well, the answer might be found

in this touching
Clockwork Movement satire duet.

# Margaret Court is not a lesbian

# She's not gay or Presbyterian

# Not a ghost or something sinister

# She's a Pentecostal minister

# She believes
that love is not the same

# If it's one that dares not
speak its name. #

Tennis is boring and stupid!

(LAUGHTER)

Also ahead in the program,
the Greens -

deluded, lying climate alarmists or
dangerous anti-business arseholes?

That debate tonight, and most
nights, on Sky News After Dark.

(LAUGHTER)

Friday saw Energy and Emissions
Reduction Minister Angus Taylor

put more flesh on the bones

of the Coalition's technology-led
emissions reduction skeleton,

announcing plans to shift investment

from wind and solar
to new technologies

as part of a "bottom-up" strategy
to reduce emissions by 2050.

And that makes sense...
(LAUGHTER)

..ergonomically,
given the government's

emissions reduction strategy so far.

I must say, though,
that the government's opposition

to Labor's zero-emissions target
has been well articulated.

There's no details, there's no plan,

there's no specifissi...
s...specificity.

Yes, there's been none
of whatever that is.

The Deputy PM also mocked
Labor's target.

I challenge those opposite,
look a steer or a wether in the eye

and say, "How are you gonna
stop your methane?"

(LAUGHTER)

And I think they should, because
they'd get a more direct answer

than they would
from Michael McCormack.

But on this,
how are our emissions going,

if you'll excuse the question?

Well, according to this voiceover,
they're...

REPORTER: ..13.1% below 2005 levels.

Which is...

..not fast enough, warn experts,
who estimate at this pace,

it would take Australia 230 years
to achieve net zero emissions.

Mmm. Meaning the government's target
would be net zero emissions by 2250.

A big year, 2250 -
net zero emissions reached

and our fleet of submarines
finished being built.

(LAUGHTER)

I look forward to it.

And as for our Energy and Emissions
Reduction Minister, we know -

and if we don't,
here's a newspaper graphic -

that the AFP has dropped
its investigation

into Angus Taylor's use
of allegedly forged documents

despite the fact
they didn't even interview him.

And I think this was
a missed opportunity

to completely exonerate Angus,

because, as we do know from
his undeclared business interests,

his intercession on behalf of his
brother over poisoned grasslands,

liking his own tweets,

misrepresenting our CO2 emissions
at the Madrid climate summit

and being completely wrong

about being at Oxford University
with Naomi Wolf,

if you're looking for a reliable
account of what's gone down,

then Angus is your man.

Well, spokesperson for Angus Taylor
Sami Twerb,

does Angus have
no intellectual curiosity

as to how a document
containing false information

ended up in his office,

which he then attached to a letter
to the press and signed his name to?

Nope! Some things are just
beyond our comprehension, Shaun.

They just are!

Can we ever really understand
a tree? Or a flower?

Or the beauty of a sunset?

No. We just see these things
and accept them.

So the allegedly forged document is
just one of nature's many miracles?

(LAUGHTER)

It just happened. Let's move on.

Well, look, if we assume
that the allegedly forged document

just came into being spontaneously,
how did it end up on Angus's desk?

Well, if three children in a grotto
in France see the Virgin Mary,

do we ask them where she came from?

No! We just believe them

and use the information
that some higher force has provided

to smear a lord mayor.

Well, look, did someone give him
the document? He must remember.

Our perceptions are fallible, Shaun.

The fact of the matter is,
at the beginning of time,

stuff just came into existence, and
it's the same with this document.

There might be an alternate reality
where there is an explanation.

I don't know. Like Angus,
I don't have all the answers.

Or, indeed, ANY answers.
(LAUGHTER)

And that is where we must leave it
and focus instead

on affordable energy and
pretending to reduce our emissions!

Alright, but you are suggesting,
though, a parallel world

where Angus Taylor
might be interested

in where the allegedly forged
document came from.

Or a world where the document
ISN'T forged. Yeah.

Where Clover Moore DID spend
millions of dollars

on air travel per year,

and where Angus WASN'T
embarrassed and humiliated

by the whole experience.

A world where he and Naomi Wolf
knew each other

and jointly won the Nobel Prize
for Christmas Trees!

Anything's possible, and I think
it's important to keep an open mind.

Is it possible that
a staffer forged the document

and Angus was too stupid to realise

that the figures it contained
were impossible?

Or POSSIBLE, Shaun.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Sami Twerb.

In news just to hand, a stabbing
in an outer Adelaide suburb

and an ambulance has left a young
man in hospital with leg injuries.

Bovina Jhizquax is there. Bovina?

Yeah, that's right, Shaun.

At around 1:30 here
this afternoon,

a gang of four youths
attacked another young man.

Doug Clump, you live, after
a fashion, near the crime scene.

Yeah, that's right.

I was just putting my trousers
back on, you know, and cleaning up

and I heard this shouting
and...yeah.

A stabbing in broad daylight?
It's not what you want, is it?

You'd prefer these stabbings
to take place in the dark?

N-no.

What, cloudy conditions
or dusk or something?

You want these gangs to be carrying
light meters with them?

N-no. No, that's not it...

Well, then why are you upset about
it happening in broad daylight?

Well, i-it's just...
you don't expect it, you know.

You know, you think you're pretty
safe in the middle of the day.

Whereas if you were stabbed
in the dark,

you'd think, "Well, fair enough.
I deserved that"?

No, it's just, you know...
broad daylight, i-it's pretty...

Brazen?
Yeah.

Yeah...brazen.

Do you know what 'brazen' means?
No.

Do you often use words
whose meaning you don't know?

Yes.
Like what?

'Postulate'. 'Concomitant'.
'Bucolic'.

But you're concerned about
the boldness and the audacity

of the attack?

Yeah. That's right. Yep.

You'd like armed assailants
to be more demure?

Yeah, demure. Definitely.

Well, for future reference, this
interview has been humbling for you.

Oh. Cheers! Thanks very much.

I resign. Back to you, Shaun.

Thank you, Bovina.

Well, watch out, Scott Morrison -

the Deputy PM has learned
a thing or two from you

about being able to ramble on
in front of the press

without drawing breath

so that no short, usable sound bite
is available for the evening news.

Here's Michael McCormack's -
for want of a better word - answer

to a question
about the budget surplus.

Yes, a surplus is, uh...is a number
that I know that, uh...is important

to get the books back in balance,
and that's what we've done.

Uh, Labor, they wouldn't know what
the definition of a surplus was.

I mean, they haven't produced one
since 1989,

when Cher was singing
If I Could Turn Back Time.

Of course, we all remember that
vision of her on that navy ship.

I mean, and there you go again -
Labor didn't even BUILD a navy ship

in that six years of...
six years of opportunity.

Didn't give a ship.

Didn't give a ship at all
about making sure

that we built the infrastructure
to increase defence capability.

If Labor could only turn back time,
who knows what might happen?

(LAUGHTER)

Wow!
(LAUGHTER)

He's even more impressive
than Scott.

That stream-of-consciousness,
beat-poet quality

is rare in somebody not on acid,

isn't it, professor
of semiotics and semantics

and holder of the Roland Barthes
Chair at Box Hill TAFE,

Ian Orbspider, but what did
his answer actually mean?

A fascinating question,
Professor Shaun.

Michael McCormack is asked
about the surplus,

to which he responds...

A surplus is, uh...is a number
that I know that, uh...is important

to get the books back in balance.

And he's right!
It IS a number that's important.

But of course, a surplus is MORE
than we need to bring about balance.

A balance is achieved
by having a number

exactly the SAME as the deficit.

So when he says he knows,
he, of course, doesn't!

(LAUGHTER)
Alright. And when he says this...

Labor, they wouldn't know what
the definition of a surplus was.

He doesn't know either!
(LAUGHTER)

Now, when Michael says Labor haven't
produced a surplus since 1989,

when Cher was singing If I Could
Turn Back Time on a naval ship,

and that Labor never built a ship
in their six years in office

and, in fact, Labor "couldn't give
a ship", what does he mean?

That Labor couldn't give a shit.

(LAUGHTER)

And what of his unanswered question

as to what, if Labor could
turn back time, would happen?

Ah. Well, this is very interesting,
Professor Shaun.

Because for Michael to posit

such an outlandish turn of events
for us to ponder

is both bold and daring,

but to then simply leave such a
question up in the air is dangerous,

for his listeners may come
to the conclusion

that Labor might,
upon returning to 1989,

take the budget surplus
they had created and return with it

not to the present
but to two years in the future,

where they could use it

to pork-barrel their own electorates
and marginal seats

and win the next election!

Well, Professor Ian Orbspider...

(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)

..many thanks.

Oh, Shaun, before I forget...
Yes?

..can you validate my parking?

Yes, absolutely.
(LAUGHTER)

I'll pop that in there for you.
There you go.

Thank you, and a safe trip home.

But of course!
Yes. Goodbye.

(LAUGHTER)

# Happy
Clap along if you feel

# Like a room without a roof... #
Arggh!

(LAUGHTER)

Well, not coming up because
Black Comedy is on in a minute...

Prince Andrew quickly
puts his clothes back on

when he spots the Queen.

And Pauline Hanson's attitude
to the Olympics

pretty much as we all expected.

Send the Olympics back to Athens.

And finally, when asked
about the 10 million

taken from a regional sports fund
and spent on this North Sydney pool,

our prime minister -
Scott Morrison -

split a very interesting hair.

Well, when I announced that program,
I said it was Australia-wide.

That's what I said.

And it's, um, you know,
supporting community facilities

all around the country.

And that is a community facility
in Australia.

That's consistent with
the announcement I made at the time.

The upgrading pools aspect
was specifically

for rural and remote areas
of Australia.

Er, that's...that was a statement
the department said.

I'm going off what I said.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I'm beginning to go off
what he said too.

(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation