All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E09

Okay, I'm just saying,
she broke up with Ted

less than a week ago, and I am finding

this whole rebound thing
to be alarmingly manic,

and regressive.

Well, it does sound a little quick.

I mean, has anybody even met this guy?

David, when did you become
the Grim Reaper of romance?

Oh.

Alexis!

We were just having the most stimulating

conversation about you... ganda!

Ugandan... politics.

Were you guys waiting up for me?

- Ah!
- N-no!

No, I actually didn't
know that you had left.

I was on a date.

Artie took me to the new
steakhouse in Elmdale,

and it was like, way too expensive,

but hey, I'm not the one paying.

"Artie?"

Yeah, I just thought after like,

the whole Ted thing, it was healthier

for me to just put myself out there.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get ready for bed.

I say, bravo, Alexis.

Fling forward!

Ugh!

Hi.

Sorry, wrong room.

Uh, I'm-I'm lookin' for Lexi.

Hmm? Lexi?

Uh, Alexis. I call her Lexi.

Well, this is where Lexi lives.

Um, I'm her brother, David,

but you can call me Davey.
Hey, how you doin', Davey?

Uh, Lexi left her purse in my car.

Oh! You're a godsend.

I'll make sure Lexi gets it.

I'm Johnny Rose, I'm Alexis' father.

Arthur Camden, but uh,

- you can call me Artie.
- Uh-huh.

Hello, Artie. Moira Rose.

Lexi's mum.

Very cool. Uh... anyway,

I'm gonna shoot Lexi a text.

Yeah, okay.

- Take care.
- You betcha.

Our Lexi is making
some wonderful choices.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

Okay, so what's the total
for the floral arrangement?

Um, I mean, it's hard
to get an exact total

at the moment, because
there are so many variables

still in play.

Like you calling the
florist, and getting a quote?

- That might be one of them.
- Okay.

Um, Jocelyn has been
smiling and waving at me

from across the room in
a very disturbing way.

I meant to tell you she
approached me about uh,

working at the Apothecary.

Hmm.

You did tell her "no?"

That it probably wasn't the best fit

for our brand identity?

Uh, I told her that I had
to talk to you about it.

Look, she's coming over.

Here she is.

Hi, boys.

It looked like you were calling me over.

Did it?

Anywho, um... I don't
know if Patrick mentioned

that we had talked earlier,

and he had said that
there might be a use

for an extra set of hands at the store.

Huh!

Well, I think we're still
assessing that at this point.

Well, you let me know
when you're done assessing.

I'll be the mother with the baby at home

looking for some extra cash,

after I invested in
your father's business.

I'll be over here.

Okay, that's a lot
to unload over brunch.

Yes!

I spent my brunch looking
at the classifieds.

There is an opening for a waitress

at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club.

I guess I could try that.

I'm sure we can figure something out,
Jocelyn. Right, David?!

I don't know what's wrong with Bazongas.

But I guess a trial run
wouldn't hurt anybody.

There ya go!

Thanks, you guys, oh!
I'll meet you at the store.

I'm just gonna go home
and change into something

a little more casual.

"More casual?"

Well, look at it this way, David.

Maybe having Jocelyn on staff
will give a little extra time

to call the florist.

Ohh!

Boy, young people and their phones.

Mm.

Would that be David you're
having an online laugh with?

No, it's Arthur.

He's so funny, and he
has so many good stories.

Well, I'm sure he does.

When you have that many
years under your belt,

you're bound to have
collected a good story or two.

Yeah.

We're going to the Elm Lake
Jazz Festival this afternoon.

Artie loves to scat
along with the songs.

- Ah.
- Do you know what scatting is?

I do, not a huge fan.

But uh, since you...

brought up Arthur,

Um, you know, I-I was
just thinking of...

how some people say you shouldn't rush

into a new relationship,

right after a breakup.

Okay, trust me, it's just
totally fun and casual.

Okay, well, casual.

Casual is good. Casual is uh...

- exceptionally good.
- Yeah.

Artie's an old soul,

and you know how I'm an old soul,

so we're just like, two old
souls having fun together.

Well, he is an old
soul. I'll give you that.

Uh, if you were guessing, Alexis, uh...

how old a soul would you say Arthur is?

Artie doesn't care
about things like age.

Oh.

Although it is his
birthday next weekend,

and we were planning a
weekend trip to wine country.

A weekend in wine country?

Yeah, his ex-wife owns a vineyard,

and his kids and grandkids
are gonna be there.

Well, it's sounding uh,

less and less casual by the minute.

Okay, chill, Dad!

Hmm!

Oh my God, is he calling me right now?!

That is so 2001.

Hey, babe.

Yep, you just double-tap
on photo with your finger.

Okay.

Oh! This is so exciting!

- Alright.
- Okay!

Now, I like to approach the customer

as if we don't need their business.

Okay, let them wander the store,

experience the products.

We're here to help if
they have a question.

- Okay.
- Excuse me?

Do you have this in a smaller size?

- We don't, unfortunately.
- Oh.

Although, speaking as
someone who uses the body milk

on the regs, just had a baby,

don't wanna get stretch marks.

Trust me when I say
you're gonna wanna go

with the larger size,

'cause you'll go through
it faster than you think.

Oh, actually, I'm
shopping for my daughter.

She just had a baby as well.

Hm, well, take a look around,

and let us know if
you have any questions.

I say look no further,
go with the body milk.

She'll love it, plus it's
great for diaper rash.

Okay! Sold.

Thank you for your help.

I can check you out over here.

Wow, my first sale!

You guys make it look so much harder.

Have a "Rose-y" day!

We won't be doing "Rose-y day."

- No?
- No.

- No?
- No.

- Ohhhhhh!
- Aaah!

Stevie! Either a flock
of poultry has delivered

its ova mid-flight upon our car,

or I've become the
victim of a vandalization!

Oh wow.

Um... you sure it's for you, Mrs. Rose?

Because that's a family car,

and I can think of a handful
of people who'd wanna egg David.

You're sweet, dear, but
I know of what I speak.

Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity,

and thus will never have
to know the crippling fear

that accompanies global repute.

Yeah, I can't imagine.

After my first centerfold
with Soap Opera Digest,

a deranged fan deposited locks of hair

into my glove compartment.

And now my return to prominence

has painted another giant bulls-eye

on my thorax!

Um, I could give you
this bucket of soap.

No! You never tamper with a crime scene.

I'll have to go to council.

Get in please, Stevie.

As of now, you are my star witness.

And sit low, no point
endangering both our lives.

Fine.

We're here for brunch, right,

and she looks at me and
says, you mean, lunner?

I asked her for a bunch menu,

and she puts thing,
says it's a lunner menu.

- No!
- Lunner!

Alexis, Arthur.

I thought you two were
going to a jazz festival?

Oh we were, we just like,
popped in for a bite to eat,

because Artie's blood sugar is low.

Well, I guess there's
enough sugar in mimosas, huh?

Oh, don't worry, I'm over 21, Dad.

Oh my God, I'm laughing my head off.

Well, I'm just gonna grab some lunch.

Um, nice running into you again, Arthur.

Please, Dad, just call me Artie.

Oh.

Well, please don't call me "Dad."

Could I get a coffee, Twyla, please?

So I see Alexis is
getting back out there.

Has she told you
anything about this guy?

No, but I think he dated my aunt.

I don't know, I was a baby at the time,

but there's a photo of him
holding me at Christmas.

And I remember that,

because that was the year
Santa brought me a lighter.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Stay right there.

Excuse me, Twyla.

Arthur, hi,

do you mind if I uh,
join you for a minute?

No, of course.

Always room at the table
for Lexi's... old man.

That's a smidge worse than "Dad."

Uh, what do you do for a living?

Well, actually,

I am retired.

Yeah, but I used to own um,

a chain of trailer parks.

But don't-don't worry, I don't
you know, live in a trailer.

I own a beautiful three-bedroom home

with an above ground pool,

if that's what you're worried about.

No, that wasn't my
primary concern, Arthur.

- Oh.
- No, the thing is, as a parent,

I can't help but notice there's
a bit of an age discrepancy.

Oh! No, no, we're
totally chill with that.

I mean, Lexi's a great girl.

Yes, she is.

Yes, she is.

But um, Arthur,

my daughter is in a bit of a...

vulnerable space right now.

She just got out of a
rather serious relationship,

a week ago,

and she was engaged to him twice.

I'm not entirely sure what she's doing,

but uh, you might wanna...

tread lightly.

Oh... understood.

Yeah. Thanks for the heads up.

Okay.

Uh, Johnny, I...

I know it isn't always easy being a dad.

And being a grandad's even harder.

Oh, well, maybe you might
wanna give me some tips

when I eventually get there.

Alright, now you tell
me how we're gonna fix this.

Hello, council people!

Why, you ask, are we here,

trembling before you?

Well, I'll answer your question.

I was assailed this morning.

- Is that a fact?
- Stone cold.

Stevie was there. Stevie,
describe the carnage.

Um, well, there were
a couple of broken eggs

on Mrs. Rose's car,

and one on the back windshield.

- It was shattered!
- The windshield?

The egg! That's the
bestial level of attack

with which we are dealing.

Right, Stevie?

I don't know, you tell me.

Well, you know, after
this little interview

in People Magazine,

I'm surprised those eggs
weren't actually thrown at you.

Has it hit the stands?
My publicist is off today.

It sure has.

You describe the town as, and I quote,

"the last place you'd
ever wanna end up."

Oh no, I described the
town as the last place

I'd ever want to end up.

Um, since I'm no longer the star witness

in this criminal case,
can I get back to work?

No, you see here, I'm
exaggerating for effect.

And I made sure to
never mention the name

of your precious borough.

I'm gonna take that as a "yes."

It wasn't hard to figure out, Moira,

somebody posted it on
the town message board,

and now tempers are running hot.

Yeah, Bob was so upset
he had to go home.

You know, Moira, this bad press

could not have come at a worse time.

We were just about to launch
a huge tourism campaign,

and now thanks to you,

this could be the biggest
scandal since we installed

the church wheelchair ramp backwards.

Roland, something has to be done!

It's a simple miscommunication.

Do you want Stevie to be
cleaning eggs off my car

every morning?!

Moira, you're gonna have to
clean up this mess yourself,

Okay? We're spending a lot
of money on this campaign,

and we can't afford
another "ramp-gate."

Why'd you do it?!

Why'd you do it?!

Ooh, I think they're
here for you, Moira!

Hey uh, folks, I can't
quite read those signs,

do you mind holding them up
a little higher for me, there?

Oh yeah, thanks.

You know what's often more
potent than an apology,

is an explanation.

You know, I may have said
this town is the last place

I wish to find myself,

but the magazine neglected
to include my entire quote.

I specifically commended
your ever-beating heart,

and your elephantine generosity.

"A slice of heaven," is
what I recall myself saying!

Please know that I believe, deep down,

there are worse places to be.

Like in your shoes right now.

Would a quick meet and greet help?

I do have a few headshots
in the boot of my car.

No, I don't think you
need more people knowing

which car is yours, Moira,
but I do have an idea

that I think will
solve all our problems.

Okay, but can we discuss it over lunch?

I pre-ordered a tuna sandwich,

and those things can turn on a dime.

Oh, allow me to leave you with this.

I solemnly vow to make
right by all of you.

As soon as one of you details my car.

Receipt in the bag?

There you go, bye.

I don't wanna rub salt
in the wound here, David,

but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.

Okay, I have also had a very
active day on the sales floor.

David, she has sold more in one day

than we have all week.

And you've spent the
better part of the afternoon

standing in the corner
giving her cut-eye.

I'm mentoring her, and
monitoring her progress.

And frankly, it's not
moving as fast as I'd like.

Why can't you just admit
that she is an asset?

It's probably beginner's luck,

like when you walk into
a casino and win big

on your first pull of the
"Basic Instinct" slot machine.

Okay, I'm beginning to think
that that is the high point

- of your entire life.
- All I'm saying is,

I don't necessarily trust the numbers.

Oh.

I had an ex in San Francisco
who was a real estate agent,

and basically made all of
our friends buy penthouses

just to make it look
like he was doing well.

For all we know, these could
just be Jocelyn's friends.

Well, friends or not,
that's still a sale.

Yeah, but is that what
we're really about?

Like, just selling products?

Yep, that is literally
the purpose of our store.

Look, I didn't expect
this from Jocelyn either,

but clearly, she has a
connection to the people

of this community, and I
say we make the most of it.

Okay, so what, you
want to offer her a job?

Well, I think the offer would
mean more coming from you.

Another sale, boys!

Where'd she get that bell?

She brought it from home.

Ugh!

Hi honey, everything okay?

Yeah, everything is great.

My life is going like,
really, really great right now!

Oh, well, that's uh, that's good.

Here's a fun thing, I just got dumped

by a man who wears three
medic-alert bracelets.

Really?

He just said out of nowhere
that he needs to end things.

Oh, well, that that does seem abrupt.

Wow, well...

maybe-maybe that's just
further confirmation

that you know, he...

he wasn't... he wasn't
the right person for you?

I know he's not the right person for me.

His taste in makeout music, for example,

like, so weird.

Like, who even is Cat Stevens?!

Well, Cat wrote some
wonderful songs, honey.

I'm just looking for
like, any distraction

from the fact that my heart's shattered

into a million pieces.

Like, I don't even know
what I'm doing anymore.

I'm getting broken up
with by gross old men!

Oh, honey, no,

he-he-he wasn't that gross.

No, I mean, he-he seemed... nice.

He was responsible.

He did run a successful
mobile-home business.

How did you know about that?

- What?
- How did you know that?

I-uh, where did I hear that?

You talked to him!

Well, I-I just for...
I did talk to him.

Brief conversation, but just in passing.

Why would you do that?

I told you that I was in
control of the situation.

Well, honey, I don't
know whether you were.

I was just trying to... help.

Alexis, in the past, I...

I couldn't always be there
for you when you were...

when you were dealing with...

heartbreak.

I wasn't there to protect you.

And I guess I was just being...

a bit overzealous, and...

trying to make up for lost time.

Well, if you really wanna know,

I dated guys like, a
whole lot worse than Artie.

Where were you when I
was dating half the cast

of "White Squall?"

Well, I don't really want to know.

What am I gonna do now?

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, cry for a bit.

I wonder when David'll be home.

And, we're closed!

Oh! It's not the stock market, Jocelyn,

but yes, the day is done.

Is it always this busy?

I mean, I feel like when
I've been here before,

- it's just been me.
- Hmm!

Well, today was a great day for us.

And with that in mind, um...

David has something that
he would like to say.

Two things, actually.

Um, first thing,

thought we discussed
shelving "have a Rose-y day."

- Ah, people seem to enjoy it.
- Yeah.

And two...

Patrick and I would like

to officially welcome you
to the sales staff

here at Rose Apothecary.

Oh my gosh! That is so sweet!

You're welcome.

But I just don't think it's for me.

- Mmm!
- It's not for you?

Yeah, I mean, as David would say,

I just don't think it's in my brand.

I don't think I've ever said that.

It's just not for me.

Huh.

So this store is just not for you.

Yeah. I'd rather take
my chances, you know,

see if some tutoring gigs come up.

- Tutoring?
- Because that's a...

a better job than working here?

Well, I find teaching
students very fulfilling.

You know, not what you two
do here isn't fulfilling,

you know, for you, but
it's just not fulfilling...

- For you. Got it.
- For her.

Yeah, well hey, what...
whatever you wanna do.

Thank you for the opportunity.

And you guys can keep the bell.

Oh! The bell!

'Cause you might need
it a little more than me.

I'll come by tomorrow
to pick up my paycheck.

Okay! Yeah...

she does know this is a
training session, right?

What does that even mean, "not for her?"

Well, um...

I think it means our store...

- It's just not for her?
- It's just not for her.

- I got it. Thank you.
- I think that's what it means.

_

Oh, hello, you.

I'm film and television's Moira Rose.

Won't you join me for a little stroll

through the slice of paradise

I like to call...

the town where I currently am.

Did someone say fine dining?

The Café Tropical has
certainly been described

as "fine."

Oh, hello, Twyla.

I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.

We don't have that.

You mean, you're sold
out, is more like it!

And when it's time to escape

the hustle and bustle
of the downtown core,

you'll find all the peace
and solitude your body craves

here at our local apothecary.

No noisy customers or
busy cash registers here,

to intrude upon your inner cogitations.

It's-it's not usually this quiet.

Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.

Can you stop saying that?

And finally, when it's time
to lay down your weary head,

you'll find comfort and safety

at the partially
renovated Rosebud Motel.

And don't forget to say hello

to your handsome proprietor,

Mr. Johnathon Rose.

- Thank you for having us.
- John, no.

So why wait?

Book your vacation now to
this humble little oasis.

If heaven had a creek,

it would be this one.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --