Original subtitles

HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD.

A KID WAS CRYING. YEAH.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL EVERY DAY INSIDE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MWAH. NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.

YOU LOOK PRETTY. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME.

YES, DOES THIS LOOK ALL RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S GREAT.

YOU DON'T THINK THE NAVY BLUE AND THE BLACK--

ARE THEY OKAY TOGETHER?

I WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN NAVY BLUE AND BLACK,

BUT YOU MAKE IT WORK. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT?

THAT'S--THAT'S A SECURITY DEVICE.

HE FORGOT TO TAKE THIS OFF!

DID YOU S--

THE GUY AT THE-- THE GUY AT THE REGISTER

FORGET TO TAKE--I BOUGHT THESE PANTS YESTERDAY.

THEY FORGOT--I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS ON HERE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WEAR THAT.

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK I SHOPLIFTED THIS.

I THINK YOU SHOPLIFTED IT. YOU DIDN'T?

WELL, I CAN'T TAKE THIS OFF, PROBABLY, 'CAUSE THEY HAVE THESE--

NO, DON'T. YOU'RE GOING TO RIP YOUR PANTS.

WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE STORE.

IT'S OKAY. YOU HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT RUNNING FROM THE POLICE ACTIVELY, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WEARING HIGH HEELS.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO GET THERE.

IT'S GOING TO BE 2013 BY THE TIME WE GET THERE.

WELL, LIKE, DO YOU WANT TO CARRY ME?

SO, WHAT DID YOU END UP DOING LAST NIGHT AFTER ALL?

OH, I GOT WASTED.

AGAIN?

YEAH. I DRANK, LIKE, TWO BOTTLES OF WINE.

DON'T THEY SAY A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF WINE

IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR YOU?

I SAID TWO BOTTLES.

OH. I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. I THINK I AM.

I DON'T-- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

BUT I HAD SEX. LIKE, I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT.

REALLY? WITH A WOMAN?

NO, WITH A PLATYPUS.

OH, WAS IT AWESOME?

PLATYPUS IS THE BEST KIND OF PUSSY.

IT WAS A RANDOM THING. I WAS IN THE BAR DRINKING,

AND THIS GIRL CAME UP AND STARTED AGGRESSIVELY BUYING ME SHOTS.

LIKE, OUT OF NOWHERE, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY

HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY, AND I'D SPENT IT ALL,

AND THEN WE DRANK AND DRANK, AND THEN

SHE TOOK ME BACK TO HER PLACE, AND--

YOU FUCKED.

WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT'S SO CHEAP.

OH, MY GOD. YOU MET A WOMAN IN A BAR LAST NIGHT.

YOU WENT HOME WITH HER, AND THEN YOU DID IT.

IT WAS CHEAP, RIGHT?

IT WASN'T THAT CHEAP. SHE COST ME $300.

SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE?

NO, I'M KIDDING. I DON'T SLEEP WITH PROSTITUTES ANYMORE.

I PROBABLY WOULD, THOUGH, IF I COULD AFFORD IT, YOU KNOW.

WAS SHE CUTE?

YEAH, SHE WAS CUTE, AND SHE WAS YOUNG,

AND SHE WAS CHINESE. EXOTIC, YOU KNOW?

HOW YOUNG?

LIKE, 21? WELL, YEAH.

HOW CHINESE?

100% CHINESE, ALL THE WAY.

DID YOU USE PROTECTION?

SHIT, NO. CHINESE PEOPLE CAN'T GET AIDS.

I'M KIDDING AROUND. OF COURSE I--

I WORE, LIKE, THREE CONDOMS.

DID YOU HAVE SEX THREE TIMES?

NO, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX THREE TIMES.

I JUST WEAR THREE CONDOMS

BECAUSE IT MAKES MY PENIS THICKER, YOU KNOW?

SO, WHAT'S HER NAME?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

REALLY?

NO, I'M KIDDING. I JUST CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.

WHAT DOES SHE DO?

UH, SHE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER.

OH, LIKE AMY.

AMY'S NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER.

SHE THINKS SHE IS.

THE DELUDED ARTIST.

WHAT ABOUT THE DELUDED ARTIST?

I DON'T KNOW. THEY'RE DELUDED?

YOU'RE DELUDED.

YEAH.

SO YOU HAD SEX WITH AN 18-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL

LAST NIGHT. CONGRATULATIONS.

SHE WASN'T 18. SHE WAS 21. I WISH SHE WAS 18.

YOU'RE 38. THAT'S STILL A VERY BIG GAP.

ACTUALLY HER GAP WAS VERY TINY.

IS THAT A CHINESE THING? DO THEY HAVE SMALLER VAGI--

NARROWER VAGINAS?

WHY WOULD THAT BE A CHINESE THING?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NARROWER EYES, I GUESS.

THAT'S A LITTLE RACIST-- UH, YEAH.

I CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT, THOUGH, BECAUSE I'M TURKISH.

HOW DOES BEING TURKISH ALLOW YOU TO BE RACIST?

ARE YOU KIDDING? THE MIDDLE EAST NOW?

THE MIDDLE EASTERNERS ARE THE LOWEST OF LOW,

IN TERMS OF RACISM, YOU KNOW.

WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN SUBJECTED TO RACISM?

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SHOPLIFT THOSE PANTS?

DID I SHOPLIFT THESE PANTS?

YEAH. YOU'LL GET ARRESTED FOR THAT

IF YOU WEAR THEM ON THE STREET.

NO. THE GUY JUST FORGOT TO TAKE THE TAG OFF OF THIS.

I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE OF GUY WHO WOULD SHOPLIFT, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH.

SEE? PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK I SHOPLIFTED THIS.

DID YOU SHOPLIFT THAT SHIRT?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

THAT'S NOT NICE.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SECURITY LABEL ON IT.

I'M SORRY FOR MY FRIEND.

NO, I DIDN'T SHOPLIFT THEM.

YOU GUYS TAKE IT EASY.

HE'S CRAZY. DON'T MIND HIM.

SEE, THEY'RE JUDGING. THEY'RE JUDGING ME

BASED ON THE WAY I LOOK.

NO, THEY'RE JUDGING YOU BASED ON THE FACT

THAT YOU HAVE A SECURITY TAG ON YOUR PANT.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T WALK AROUND WITH ONE.

IN FACT, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WALK AROUND

WITH A SECURITY TAG ON THEIR PANTS.

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE GET NERVOUS--

GOING BACK TO THE WHOLE IDEA OF RACISM,

TURKISH PEOPLE, POST-9/11

I DEAL WITH IT ALL THE TIME.

I WALK INTO A PUBLIC PLACE--

I WALK INTO A PUBLIC PLACE, I GET DIRTY LOOKS CONSTANTLY.

IF I'M CARRYING A BAG, I HAVE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

TO EVERYONE WHEN I GET IN, WHICH IS LIKE,

HEY, EVERYONE. THERE'S JUST A LAPTOP

AND A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR IN THIS BAG.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU THINK THEY'RE AFRAID

YOU HAVE A BOMB IN THERE?

YEAH, OF COURSE THEY'RE AFRAID I HAVE A BOMB.

BEING TURKISH IN A POST-9/11 AMERICA,

IT'S A DIFFICULT THING, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T EVEN SPEAK TURKISH, THOUGH.

I KNOW. DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT.

I FEEL RETARDED ENOUGH, AS IT IS.

DON'T SAY THAT.

WHAT? RETARDED.

OH, YEAH. YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A SIXTH-GRADER.

I KNOW. IT MAKES ME SOUND RETARDED.

YEAH.

HOW'S YOUR COUSIN?

WHICH ONE?

LOUIS.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT LOUIS?

I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST POPPED IN MY HEAD.

LOUIS ISN'T RETARDED.

I KNOW HE'S NOT RETARDED, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT

HE SAYS RETARDED THINGS SOMETIMES,

SO HE SEEMS A LITTLE RETARDED;

BUT I SAY RETARDED THINGS ALL THE TIME, SO--

HENCE, I'M PRETTY RETARDED, TOO, I GUESS.

MM-HMM. WELL--

HE'S GOOD, I THINK. YOU KNOW, I--

IS HE GOOD?

I HOPE HE IS, AND I THINK HE IS.

YOU SAID HE WAS TURNING HIS LIFE AROUND,

THE LAST TIME WE TALKED.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS GOING ON WITH HIM,

BUT HONESTLY WE HAVEN'T TALKED

IN A REALLY LONG TIME

BECAUSE THERE'S BEEN SOME BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US.

DOES HE HAVE HIV?

NO. WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?

'CAUSE HE WAS A JUNKIE. HE USED TO SHOOT UP AND--

DON'T DO THAT. THAT'S REALLY--

YOU EVER SHOT HEROIN OFF? YOU EVER SHOT IT?

WHY DO YOU ASK ME SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS?

'CAUSE I'M RETARDED.

YOU KNOW, LOUIS WAS LIKE A CRYSTAL METH ADDICT,

WHICH IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM HEROIN,

AND I DON'T THINK HE EVER SHOT ANYTHING UP.

HE'S FAT, THOUGH. HE'S A FAT GUY.

SO?

I JUST THOUGHT CRYSTAL METH USERS WERE SKINNY.

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S AN ANOMALY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE THAT HE HAD EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME

AND JUST LOST IT ALL IMMEDIATELY.

I LIKE HEARING STORIES LIKE THAT, ACTUALLY.

WHY?

IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

LOUIS FAILING IN LIFE MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF, TUNA?

YEAH, 'CAUSE I COMPARE MY LIFE TO HIS,

AND I THINK, OKAY, MY LIFE'S NOT SO BAD.

IT'S LIKE I USED TO LIKE GOING TO THE BEACH WITH LOUIS

BECAUSE HE'S FAT, AND I LOOK BETTER WITH MY SHIRT OFF

SITTING BESIDE HIM, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE IF YOU SPENT A LITTLE MORE TIME

COMPARING YOURSELF TO SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

AND STRIVING TO BE LIKE THEM,

YOU'D BE MORE SUCCESSFUL.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE ME MORE SUCCESSFUL.

I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL, AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE

BECAUSE I'M NOT MOTIVATED BY MONEY, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT HAVING IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY. I MEAN, YOU--

I KNOW. I DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

I'M KIND OF HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY, ACTUALLY.

REALLY? YOU'RE HAPPY.

IF YOU HAD A LOT OF MONEY, A LOT MORE MONEY THAN I HAVE

THEN IT WOULD PROBABLY SULLY OUR RELATIONSHIP

IN SOME KIND OF WAY, YOU KNOW?

SO YOU HOPE THAT I DON'T HAVE MONEY,

JUST SO THAT YOU COULD FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY. I MEAN, FOR EXAMPLE,

RUSSELL: YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS OF RUSSELL'S SUCCESS.

WHO'S UNSUCCESSFUL ANYMORE?

NO, RUSSELL. OH, RUSSELL. SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS?

NO, I'M REALLY NOT. I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

I'M JEALOUS AS HELL BECAUSE HE NEVER HAS TO WORK AGAIN,

EVER, THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

OH, MY GOD. HE DID THAT WELL?

HE DID PRETTY WELL, YEAH.

I HAD NO IDEA. BUT HE DESIGNED

AN IPHONE APPLICATION. WHAT DOES IT DO?

IT'S LIKE A NOVELTY IPHONE APPLICATION.

A FARTING IPHONE APP?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YEAH.

RUSSELL GOT RICH BY DESIGNING

A FARTING IPHONE APP.

IT WASN'T A FARTING IPHONE APPLICATION,

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A PRACTICAL FUNCTION, YEAH.

HE'S MAKING TONS OF MONEY ON IT, YOU KNOW?

WOW. YOU KNOW, NOW I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THIS.

YEAH, SEE? OF COURSE!

YEAH. I MEAN, HE'S NOT THAT SMART.

WELL, NEITHER ARE WE. I MEAN, NEITHER AM I.

YEAH. WELL, WE SHOULD JUST DESIGN SOMETHING

REALLY STUPID AND GET FILTHY RICH OFF OF IT.

WE SHOULD DO WHAT?

DESIGN SOMETHING REALLY STUPID

AND GET FILTHY RICH OFF OF IT LIKE RUSSELL.

OH, LIKE HE DID, RIGHT.

YEAH. SURE, LET'S DO IT.

LET'S DO IT. WHEN?

RIGHT NOW. THINK OF SOMETHING.

THINK OF SOMETHING.

CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

ME NEITHER.

IT WOULD BE EASIER JUST TO STEAL HIS MONEY,

YOU KNOW. WE SHOULD DO THAT.

I'M FINE WITH THAT. LET'S DO THAT.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT EITHER.

WHY?

IT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

ARE HIS TEETH STILL MESSED UP?

WHOSE TEETH?

LOUIS'S.

WHY ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH HIM?

I JUST REMEMBER HIM HAVING HORRIBLE

PROBLEM FUCKED UP TEETH.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO CRYSTAL METH.

THEY'RE LIKE GRAVEL. THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE DIRTY ROCKS

JAMMED INTO HIS GUMS.

I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT HIS TEETH.

TUNA, I DON'T THINK HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT LOUIS'S TEETH

IS ABOUT LOUIS. IT'S ABOUT YOUR OWN INSECURITIES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IF I'M HAVING NIGHTMARES

ABOUT LOUIS'S ROTTING TEETH?

NO, NO, NO. IT'S ABOUT YOU.

IT MEANS YOU'RE FEELING, MAYBE, LIKE POWERLESS,

UNATTRACTIVE...

I DEFINITELY FEEL POWERLESS,

BUT IT'S A CONSCIOUS CHOICE. POWER CORRUPTS.

YOUR TEETH AREN'T SO GREAT, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF PLAQUE ON THE BOTTOM.

THAT'S BECAUSE I BRUSH MY TEETH WITH NICOTINE.

YOU NEED TO GO SEE A PROFESSIONAL AND GET THEM CLEANED.

I CAN'T AFFORD GETTING MY TEETH CLEANED.

NEXT TO LOUIS, I COULD BE THE MODEL

FOR A TOOTHPASTE COMMERCIAL. I MEAN, HIS TEETH ARE--

THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

HE GOT HIS TEETH FIXED? HE DIDN'T GET HIS TEETH FIXED.

LOUIS'S TEETH WERE BEYOND REPAIR. I MEAN, LIKE,

THEY COULDN'T REBUILD POMPEII. I MEAN, THEY COULD,

AND THEY DID, BUT IT WASN'T WITH THE SAME MATERIALS.

THEY HAD TO FLY MATERIALS IN FROM--

HE GOT IMPLANTS, I GUESS. WHERE'D HE GET THE MONEY

FOR IMPLANTS? THAT'S INTERESTING.

TUNA, JUST, SHH, OKAY?

STOP. LET'S JUST NOT TALK--

I'M JUST CURIOUS 'CAUSE HIS TEETH WERE SO MESSED UP.

TUNA, JUST, LIKE, STOP IT. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

LIKE, COULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT

RIGHT NOW, AND-- WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LOUIS'S TEETH.

THE ONLY THING--

LET'S TALK ABOUT HIS NIPPLES, THEN.

THAT'S THE ONE THING I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE OFF THE AGENDA, OKAY?

NIPPLES. WE WON'T TALK ABOUT HIS TEETH; HIS NIPPLES,

'CAUSE HE HAD BEAUTIFUL NIPPLES AT THE BEACH.

THEY WERE GORGEOUS NIPPLES. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS NIPPLES.

IT'S LIKE, HIS MAN-TITS WERE SO GORGEOUS. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL,

THEY'RE MUCH MAN-TITTIER THAN MY MAN-TITS, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

YOU'RE KIND OF BIPOLAR,

AND, LIKE, YOUR TEMPER ALWAYS IS LIKE

A TSUNAMI OF, LIKE, ANGER FESTERING INSIDE OF YOU.

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE

ON THE WRONG PERSON, AND SOMEONE'S GOING TO GET HURT, YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU.

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE YOU.

OH, YEAH, ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

YEAH. NO.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THAT'S COOL.

I'VE BEEN THREATENED BEFORE. WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME.

I'M NOT THREATENING YOU. STOP IT.

THAT'S COOL. 'CAUSE I SEEM PEACEFUL AND STUFF,

LIKE PEACEFUL, PLACID, CALM WATERS,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TSUNAMI IS.

THAT EARTHQUAKE WE HAD IN NEW YORK?

I GET ANGRY,

OH, MAN, SHIT STARTS SHAKING, LIKE THE GROUND--

PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW--

I THINK YOU SHOULD'VE SHUT UP.

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE PISSED.

I'M NOT PISSED.

LOOK AT ME FOR A SECOND.

YOU ARE PISSED.

I'M NOT.

GIVE ME A SMILE.

NO.

SEE, YOU ARE PISSED 'CAUSE NO ONE CAN RESIST MY SMILE,

EVEN IF IT IS COVERED WITH PLAQUE.

YOU'RE PISSED OFF BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED TO DANIEL,

AND SEEING RICHARD AND PHOEBE GET MARRIED TODAY

IS REMINDING YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED,

AND YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT IT. I MEAN, IT'S A NATURAL THING,

YOU KNOW. IT'S WHAT ALL WOMEN WANT.

WOMEN JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT POLLUTION OR WORLD PEACE

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. IT'S JUST TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S SUPERFICIAL AND SHALLOW,

BUT IT'S THE WAY WOMEN THINK,

SO YOU'RE NOT SINGULAR IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW, LOUIS OWES ME MONEY,

AND IT'S MONEY I NEED RIGHT NOW,

AND WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT, I GET REALLY MAD.

YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP,

SO, YOU KNOW--

DON'T GET MAD, YOU KNOW?

OH, IT'S THAT EASY, RIGHT, WITH THIS LITTLE ON AND OFF SWITCH.

YEAH, IT'S RIGHT BEHIND THE G-SPOT.

WHY DOES HE OWE YOU MONEY?

HE BORROWED IT.

TO GET HIS TEETH FIXED. IS THAT RIGHT?

MM. YOU KNOW... I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT,

I GET SO UPSET BECAUSE I DON'T THINK

HE'S GOING TO PAY ME BACK.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY NEED THE MONEY,

IT MAKES ME ANGRY, AND I WISH I COULD HELP IT,

BUT I CAN'T, AND SO I'M ANGRY,

AND THAT'S THAT. THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

WELL, ARE YOU SITTING OR STANDING?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

I THINK YOU SAID HE WAS TURNING HIS LIFE AROUND.

HE IS.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

TUNA...

COME ON. I JUST WANT TO MAKE CONVERSATION. TELL ME.

COME ON.

HE'S DRIVING A BUS, AND I THINK HE JOINED A CHURCH.

HE DOING THE CHURCH? THAT'S WORSE

THAN BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME MAD?

I KNEW YOU WERE MAD.

YOU MAKE ME MAD WHEN YOU SAY DUMBASS SHIT

LIKE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, I'M RETARDED.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE RETARDED. I SAID I'M RETARDED.

I'M THE RETARDED ONE. I'M RETARDED.

YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S BULLSHIT.

WHAT'S BULLSHIT?

YOU KNOW, BEING RETARDED OR AN ALCOHOLIC

ARE SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS.

YOU CAN'T JUST, LIKE, THROW THAT OUT THERE

AND, YOU KNOW--YOU JUST ACT SO BLASE ABOUT IT,

LIKE YOU'RE DOING IT TO BE ADORABLE, LIKE,

I'M A LITTLE RETARDED ALCOHOLIC, AREN'T I SO CUTE?

I'M NOT DOING IT TO BE ADORABLE.

I REALLY-- I'VE GOT BRAIN DAMAGE.

I MEAN, THERE'S--SERIOUSLY, I USED TO SMOKE WEED--

NO, SERIOUSLY--

I USED TO SMOKE WEED OUT OF A METAL PIPE.

YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

MY DAD WAS A RETARDED ALCOHOLIC.

HE WAS A RETARDED ALCOHOLIC?

NO. HE WAS JUST AN ALCOHOLIC,

BUT HE WAS REALLY FUCKED UP, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS TERRIBLE, AND, LIKE, I JUST WANT YOU

TO THINK ABOUT THINGS A LITTLE MORE

BEFORE YOU SAY THEM BECAUSE YOU JUST NEED

TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION

ALL THE RETARDED ALCOHOLICS OUT THERE, AND ME, OKAY?

WAS YOUR DAD REALLY AN ALCOHOLIC?

YEAH.

WHY DON'T I KNOW THIS?

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF THING I'D TWEET ABOUT, OKAY?

**

* I KNOW IF YOU WOULD TALK TO ME *

* I COULD MAKE YOU SEE *

* HOW OUR LOVE WILL SHINE *

YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,

YOU'VE GOT THE GENE, YOU KNOW?

NO, I DON'T REALLY INDULGE IN ANYTHING,

TUNA, YOU KNOW. I'M VERY DISCIPLINED.

YOU DON'T DRINK THAT MUCH.

NO.

YOU DON'T JERK YOUR DICK THAT MUCH.

NO. YOU DON'T JERK YOUR DICK?

NO COMMENT. NO COMMENT.

YOU JERK YOUR DICK, DON'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, I JERK MY DICK, BUT NOT FIVE TIMES A DAY OR ANYTHING.

YEAH, WHY BEGRUDGE SOMEONE FOR JERKING IT FIVE TIMES A DAY?

I'M NOT BEGRUDGING ANYONE. I MEAN,

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU FINGER YOURSELF?

FUCKING FIVE TIMES A DAY. HEY,

MASTURBATION IS HEALTHY.

IF SOMEONE JERKS FIVE TIMES A DAY,

YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE. YES, YES.

'CAUSE THEY'RE IN A REALLY GOOD, PLACID FRAME OF MIND.

WE SHOULD NOMINATE THEM TO BE A CNN HERO.

HA, HA, NOMINATE THEM TO BE A CNN HERO.

IT IS. IT'S MASTURBATING YOU'RE CELEBRATING.

THE FIVE-TIME MASTURBATOR SHOULD BE A CNN HERO?

YEAH.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT TIME'S MAN OF THE YEAR,

IN THE 1930S, ADOLF HITLER, TIME MAN OF THE YEAR.

WEIRD.

'CAUSE HE MASTURBATED FIVE TIMES A DAY.

NO. IF HITLER WOULD'VE MASTURBATED FIVES TIMES A DAY,

HE WOULD'VE NEVER MURDERED SIX MILLION JEWS.

DON'T WALK, DON'T WALK, DON'T WALK!

IT'S A DO NOT WALK SIGN, MY FRIEND.

UH, HITLER WOULD'VE NEVER KILLED

FIVE MILLION JEWS, SIX MILLION JEWS.

HE WOULD'VE KILLED LESS JEWS HAD HE MASTURBATED

FIVE TIMES A DAY. IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW?

DID YOU KNOW HITLER WAS A CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST?

HITLER WAS A CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST.

LIKE, I JUST REALIZED THAT.

HE'S A CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST?

HE WAS. IT'S WEIRD, RIGHT?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I'M GOING TO USE THAT

AGAINST ALL MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS-- THEY COULD BE SO, YOU KNOW,

THAT KIND OF THING. I THINK IT SHOULD BE A LAW.

I THINK IT SHOULD BE MANDATORY THAT REPUBLICANS

ARE FORCED TO JERK OFF ONCE A DAY. I THINK IT SHOULD BE A LAW.

TELL ME WHY.

IT WOULD MAKE THEM MORE LIBERAL, BASICALLY.

YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS ARE AFRAID OF SEX.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALL SO PENT UP AND HAVE SUCH HIGH RATES

OF COLON CANCERS, WHICH, BY THE WAY,

HAS THE HIGHEST CURE RATE OF ANY CANCER

BECAUSE OF ALL THE FUNDING, BECAUSE REPUBLICANS FUND IT,

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO GET COLON CANCER;

AND IN ORDER TO GET THEM TO BE MORE LIBERAL,

THEY HAVE TO BE LESS AFRAID OF SEX,

AND DEMOCRATS HAVE TO GET THEM SPANKING THEIR DICKS MORE.

MM-HMM, THAT'S A REALLY INTERESTING IDEA, TUNA.

I THINK YOU SHOULD SUBMIT THAT FOR AN ARTICLE

FOR MOTHER JONES. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE I WILL DO THAT, YEAH.

ARE YOU STILL DRUNK?

A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

YEAH. WHAT KIND OF WINE DO YOU DRINK?

PINOT GRIGIO. ALWAYS PINOT GRIGIO.

UH-HUH.

LET'S GET A DRINK NOW. WE'VE GOT SOME TIME

'CAUSE RUSSELL LIVES AROUND HERE, SO WE--

WELL, YEAH, BUT THERE'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH ALCOHOL

AT RUSSELL'S. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND MONEY?

'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. IT WILL TAKE THE EDGE OFF.

WHY ARE YOU NERVOUS? I'M NOT NERVOUS. HE'S OUR FRIEND.

BECAUSE IT'S OLD FRIENDS WE HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME

AND KRISTIN'S GOING TO BE THERE,

AND KRISTIN AND I HAVE A HISTORY,

SO IT WOULD JUST RELAX ME A LITTLE BIT.

DO YOU WANT A XANAX? I DON'T HAVE ONE,

BUT WE COULD MAYBE FIND ONE.

WE'LL GET A DRINK RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL PAY.

OKAY.

UNLESS YOU AGREE TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN.

THIS PLACE IS EXPENSIVE.

WEST VILLAGE, A BUNCH OF SNOBS, RICH FUCKERS.

WHY'D YOU BREAK UP WITH KRISTIN?

'CAUSE SHE WAS JEALOUS. IT WAS REALLY UNATTRACTIVE.

YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE.

WHY?

WHAT WERE YOU JUST SAYING ABOUT RUSSELL?

YOU WERE SO JEALOUS ABOUT HIM.

YEAH, I'M JEALOUS OF HIS SUCCESS, OBVIOUSLY.

IT'S OBVIOUS, YOU KNOW. IT'S DIFFERENT

THAN BEING JEALOUS OF WHO SOMEONE SLEEPS WITH.

OKAY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ACTUALLY CHEATED ON HER. REMEMBER THAT?

YEAH, BUT SHE WASN'T AWARE THAT I CHEATED ON HER,

SO HER JEALOUSY WAS UNFOUNDED.

I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FRIENDS WITH YOU.

WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE KIND OF AN ASSHOLE?

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?

I DRINK.

DO YOU REALLY DRINK THAT MUCH?

SURE, I DO.

WHY?

TO GET THE TASTE OF ASSHOLE OUT OF MY MOUTH.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD SIGN UP RIGHT NOW

AND GET YOUR NAME ON THE LIST FOR A LIVER TRANSPLANT.

I DO THINK MY LIVER'S FUCKED, ACTUALLY, YEAH.

REALLY? YEAH.

WHY? WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?

MY LIVER IS--SHIVERS.

YOUR LIVER SHIVERS?

YEAH, IT DOES. DOES YOURS?

NO. MINE DOES.

THAT'S PRETTY BAD.

I DO THINK YOU NEED TO GET ON THE LIST.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND, YOU WOULD ORGANIZE

AN INTERVENTION FOR ME.

I DON'T LIKE TO MEDDLE. I REALLY DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO?

I SHOULD JUST HAVE MY OWN INTERVENTION.

SHOULD I? WOULD THAT BE PRETENTIOUS

OR SELF-ABSORBED TO HAVE MY OWN INTERVENTION,

TO STAGE MY OWN INTERVENTION?

I DON'T KNOW. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS PRETTY PRETENTIOUS,

AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS PRETTY SELF-ABSORBED.

EVERYBODY IS SELF-ABSORBED. EVERYBODY--

EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE DOES, IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER,

IS SELF-SERVING. THAT'S THE WAY THAT IT--

I MEAN, NOT REALLY. I--

ME AND DANIEL, LIKE, I AM SO FOCUSED ON HIM.

I PUT HIM BEFORE EVERYTHING, AND I HAVE FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS,

AND IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE

OUR RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST.

IT'S NOT ME. IT'S, LIKE, US.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I MEAN, THAT'S GREAT. CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT'S, THAT'S AWESOME. WAY TO GO.

YOU! YOU TRY THAT FOR, LIKE FIVE OR SIX MONTHS AT A TIME,

LIKE YOU DID WITH KRISTIN, AND THEN YOU JUST,

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE BY YOURSELF BECAUSE ULTIMATELY

THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE. YOU LOVE YOU.

ALL OF OUR FRIENDS LOVE BEING ALONE,

ALL OF OUR FRIENDS, EVERYBODY THAT'S GOING

TO BE THERE TONIGHT IS PRETTY MUCH SINGLE,

EXCEPT FOR RICHARD FOR PHOEBE AND YOU.

NO, ANDREW.

NO, ANDREW'S DOING THE RIGHT THING. HE'S GETTING DIVORCED.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO.

WAIT. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S GETTING--

IT'S HAPPENED. HE GOT MARRIED. IT'S NOT WORKING OUT FOR HIM.

WHY? WHY ARE THEY GETTING A DIVORCE?

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY GET MARRIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW ANDREW WAS GETTING A DIVORCE.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST TOUCH WITH SO MANY FRIENDS.

THAT'S THE IRONY ABOUT PUTTING

SOMEONE LIKE DANIEL BEFORE YOURSELF.

YOU LOSE TOUCH WITH EVERYONE WHO REALLY LOVES YOU.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING.

TUNA, I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

DIDN'T YOU TRAIN TO BE A BOXER AT ONE TIME?

FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.

YOU EVER PUNCH DANIEL IN THE FACE?

NO.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE--

WELL, THERE'S SURELY ONE TIME

THAT YOU DID SOMETHING, WHERE YOU JUST COULDN'T

CONTROL YOURSELF FROM--

OKAY, TUNA. ONE TIME,

I DID ACTUALLY PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE,

AND I FEEL REALLY AWFUL ABOUT IT.

WHAT DID HE DO?

WE HAD THIS HUGE FIGHT, AND I JUST--

I, LIKE, BLEW MY LID. I BLEW MY TOP,

AND I JUST PUNCHED HIM, AND IT WAS AWFUL.

THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT. NOW SEE, A WOMAN

COULD HIT A GUY IN THE FACE, AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.

THEY LAUGH ABOUT IT. IT'S CUTE, IT'S ENDEARING.

IF A GUY HITS A GIRL ON THE FACE, IT'S ABUSE.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT RIGHT OT HIT SOMEONE,

AND I HOPE I NEVER DO IT AGAIN, AND DAN--

DANIEL THANKFULLY WOULD NEVER HIT ME,

AND THANKFULLY HE FORGAVE ME.

OF COURSE, RIGHT, AND I WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL EITHER.

MOST GUYS WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL,

BUT I'VE BEEN HIT IN THE FACE BY PLENTY OF WOMEN.

WERE THEY GIRLFRIENDS?

THEY WERE ALWAYS GIRLFRIENDS, AND I SAID SOMETHING

TO PISS THEM OFF, AND ONE THING WOULD LEAD TO ANOTHER,

AND THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING GO AFTER ME AND HIT ME

IN THE FACE ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND I CAN'T

DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT MYSELF.

SO, HERE'S WHAT I DO. WHEN A WOMAN'S TRYING TO HIT ME,

AND THEY'RE ALL OVER MY SHITS,

WHAT I DO IS, I'D TAKE THEIR HEAD LIKE THIS,

OKAY. YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL PUSH IT DOWN LIKE THIS,

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, AND I TRY TO--

I JUST KEEP THEM FROM TRYING TO HIT ME, RIGHT?

AND IT DOESN'T DO ANY, LIKE, PHYSICAL HARM,

BUT IT'S LIKE MORE OF A SLOW BURN, RIGHT.

TRY TO GET AWAY. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY.

YOU WANT ME TO GET AWAY?

RIGHT. TRY TO GET AWAY. YOU CAN'T DO IT. SEE, YOU'RE WEAK--

TUNA, STOP! THAT REALLY HURTS.

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN GET AWAY.

TUNA, STOP IT. REALLY, SERIOUSLY.

OKAY. I MEAN, IT DOESN'T DO ANY PHYSICAL DAMAGE,

BUT IT MORE HURTS THEIR FEMININE PRIDE,

WHICH I THINK IS MUCH WORSE, YOU KNOW?

YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH SOMETIMES.

IF I WERE YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I'D ANNIHILATE YOU.

I KNOW YOU WOULD BECAUSE YOU KNOW I COULDN'T HIT BACK.

IT'S A DOUBLE STANDARD. IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR

YOU OKAY? I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE, LIKE,

PUSHES THE BACK OF MY HEAD SO--DOWN LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE A MISOGYNIST.

LOOK, I WOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN, OKAY,

BUT I'D FUCK A GUY UP IF I WASN'T A PACIFIST

AND I KNEW HOW TO FIGHT.

WELL...

WHY WOULD YOU HIT DANIEL IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HE'S, LIKE, THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

I'VE GOT ISSUES.

I KNOW YOU DO. IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME DANIEL ASKS YOU

TO A REALLY NICE FANCY DINNER, YOU GET PISSED OFF

WHEN HE DOESN'T ASK YOU TO MARRY HIM.

NO.

OR LIKE IF HE'S IN A GROCERY STORE AND HE SEES A CHILD,

AND HE SAYS, OH, LOOK AT THE CUTE LITTLE CHILD,

YOU START FANTASIZING THAT MAYBE DANIEL'S READY TO PROCREATE

AND HAVE KIDS, AND MAYBE HE'S GOING TO ASK ME TO MARRY HIM.

NO, I DON'T DO THAT.

YOU DON'T DO THAT?

BUT YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED TO HIM, OBVIOUSLY, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, EVENTUALLY, BUT YOU KNOW,

I KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, SO I DON'T LIKE TO DWELL ON IT.

YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

'CAUSE DANIEL TO ME DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE MARRYING TYPE.

DUDE, THAT BOY WORSHIPS ME.

YEAH, OUT OF FEAR, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THE CRUSADES: WORSHIP JESUS OR DIE.

NO, IT'S LIKE--

HE'S PROBABLY WORRIED THAT YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH HIM IN--

LOOK, IT'S MUTUAL RESPECT.

IT'S, LIKE, WE WORSHIP EACH OTHER.

FUCK THAT. WORSHIP YOURSELF.

SEE, THAT'S WHERE YOU AND RUSSELL ARE A LOT ALIKE.

I'M NOTHING LIKE RUSSELL.

RUSSELL IS A NEOLIBERAL CAPITALIST SHITHEAD.

HE'S INTO MILTON FRIEDMAN AND ALL THAT STUFF.

I COMPLETELY AGAINST ALL OF THAT STUFF.

WELL, I'M IMPRESSED YOU KNOW WHO MILTON FRIEDMAN IS.

I ACTUALLY DON'T REALLY KNOW MUCH ABOUT MILTON FRIEDMAN AT ALL.

I JUST LIKE TO NAMEDROP HIM

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SOUND SMARTER.

NICE PLACE.

NERVOUS. DON'T BE.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SUCH A LOSER AROUND RUSSELL, YOU KNOW?

LET'S TALK ABOUT LOUIS. I'LL FEEL BETTER--

TUNA, YOU'RE BORING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

REALLY?

YEAH. I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE,

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA. AND IN ONE AFTERNOON

YOU TURN ME INTO A NARCOLEPTIC.

JUST HUMOR ME, OKAY?

TELL ME WHAT LOUIS IS UP TO RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO BE MUCH,

AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

YOU SAID HE JOINED A CULT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

NO, HE DIDN'T JOIN A CULT, BUT HE'S A MINISTER NOW.

[DOOR BUZZING]

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY!

OH! OH!

GET IN HERE.

LOOK AT THIS WRETCH FUCKER.

HOW ARE YOU?

I DON'T FUCK WRETCHES ANYMORE, MY FRIEND.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

YEAH, WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION?

A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME.

THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING NOW, LITTLE BIRDIES.

WOW. THIS IS--

IT'S COOL, MAN.

LIKE IT? YEAH, I JUST BOUGHT THE PLACE.

IT'S REALLY NICE, RUSSELL.

HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THE PLACE?

YOU DON'T WASTE ANY TIME, DO YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU ALSO SEE MY CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS?

YOU WANT A COLONOSCOPY, TOO, HUH?

YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE IN GOOD HEALTH,

PLUS I'VE GOT A POLYP COLLECTION.

I COULD ADD TO IT, YOU KNOW.

AH, YOU WANT A POLYP.

WHAT'S A POLYP?

YOU MUST BE DOING VERY WELL WITH YOUR IPHONE APPLICATION.

YEAH, NOT TOO BAD.

WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY FOR ME.

SURE, I AM. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M JEALOUS OR ANYTHING.

YEAH. I GOT LUCKY.

YOU EARNED THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I EARNED THIS.

YEAH.

OH, I DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A TASTE FOR DECORATION,

BUT KRISTIN'S GOING TO HELP ME OUT WITH THE REST OF IT.

OH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S PRETTY. THAT'S COOL, MAN.

A TRUCK DEALER DID THIS.

WHERE IS KRISTIN? WHERE'S ANYBODY?

OH, KRISTIN, SHE STEPPED OUT WITH AMY.

THERE WAS AN ISSUE WITH HER CAMERA, OR SOMETHING.

ANDREW'S ON HIS WAY. DEEDEE JUST GOT OUT

OF THE SHOWER. SHE'S GETTING READY.

IS AMY STILL TRYING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE'S TERRIBLE. SHE IS.

YOU'RE HORRIBLE. DON'T SAY THAT.

SHE'S HORRIBLE. EVEN IF SHE'S GOTTEN BETTER,

SHE'S STILL PROBABLY REALLY BAD.

WELL, SHE'S VERY PASSIONATE.

GEORGE BUSH WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT THE WAR IN IRAQ.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

TUNA, BE NICE. SHE'S SUCH A SWEETIE.

I KNOW SHE'S A SWEETIE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM. MAYBE IF SHE HAD

MORE OF AN EDGE, HER WORK WOULD GET BETTER.

OH, REALLY, REALLY? WHAT WILL GIVE

HER PHOTOGRAPHS THE EDGE SHE NEEDS?

MAYBE SOME NUDITY, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WELL, YEAH. SHE COULD TAKE NUDE PHOTOS OF YOU.

YEAH. ABSOLUTELY NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M TOO MUCH OF A PRUDE. YOU KNOW

HOW SOME PEOPLE FUCK WITH THEIR SHIRTS ON?

I KEEP MINE ON WHEN I SHOWER.

GOOD STUFF, GOOD STUFF, GOOD STUFF.

AMY DID THIS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

SEE THIS? SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S NOT BAD.

SHE GIVE THIS TO YOU AS A HOUSEWARMING PRESENT?

YEAH.

AND YOU KEEP IT IN THERE, RIGHT?

NOT ON THE WALL; IN THERE. THAT'S WHERE YOU KEEP IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, SO...

YOU OVERACHIEVED, MY FRIEND.

WHERE ARE RICHARD AND PHOEBE?

OH, THEY'RE TRYING TO TRACK DOWN ANOTHER MINISTER.

YEAH, THE GUY WHO'S SUPPOSED TO DO THE CEREMONY

GOT SICK, OR SOMETHING.

HUH, LET'S HAVE A DRINK, HUH?

CHEERS, HUH?

BOTH OF YOU LOOK REALLY GREAT.

I FEEL OLD AND TIRED.

I FEEL YOUNG AND STRONG.

YOU DON'T LOOK YOUNG AND STRONG.

YOU LOOK BALD AND PUDGY.

YOU LOOK FAT AND TURKISH.

I AM FAT AND TURKISH.

WELL, I'M RICH AND WHITE.

YEAH, BUT NOT YOUNG AND STRONG.

HOW ABOUT MY TONGUE? HOW STRONG DOES IT LOOK, HUH?

THAT'S SO GROSS.

IT'S CLASSY.

FUCK CLASS.

I WENT TO AN AUCTION LAST WEEK WITH A FRIEND.

HAVEN'T BEEN TO AN AUCTION. I WAS CURIOUS.

THERE WAS A GUY THERE,

PAID $100,000 FOR A VICTORIAN BOOKCASE.

REALLY?

AND I WAS HAVING A DRINK WITH HIM LATER.

COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW HAUGHTY HE WAS.

HE WENT ON FOR AN HOUR, PRATTLING ON ABOUT

HOW HE SAILED HIS YACHT DOWN THE WEST COAST,

HOW HE RODE ARABIAN HORSES PAST THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT,

HOW HE ONLY ATE AT EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS

BECAUSE HE COULDN'T STOMACH THE MIDDLE CLASS.

[ALEX] HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?

OH, YEAH. HE WAS A TOTAL BLUE BLOOD,

NEVER WORKED A DAY IN HIS LIFE.

ANYWAY, AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR, I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,

SO I STOOD UP. I SHOOK HIS HAND.

I SAID IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

THEN I FARTED AND WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST STORY I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

OH, SHUT UP.

I LIKE THAT YOU FARTED.

I WOULD'VE DONE A WHOLE LOT MORE

HAD MY BOWELS BEEN FULL.

RUSSELL, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU,

WHAT'S THE IPHONE APPLICATION YOU CREATED?

WHAT DOES IT DO?

YEAH, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT A FARTING IPHONE APPLICATION, RIGHT?

A FARTING IPHONE APPLICATION? NO, NO, NO. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WEED, BY THE WAY?

UH NO, BUT MY GUY'S ON HIS WAY OVER.

THE REGULAR GUY. THE GUY COULD DO THAT OVER THERE, RIGHT?

YEAH, PRECISELY.

[BUZZING] WHAT THE F--JEEZ!

[LAUGHING]

GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S MY IPHONE APPLICATION.

BULLSHIT, GET THAT FUCKING AWAY FROM ME!

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING CAT!

I'LL SMASH HIS FUCKING HEAD IN!

RUSSELL, STOP TAZERING PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY. ALEX, HEY.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S FUCKING DANGEROUS, RUSSELL.

IT'S FUCKING DANGEROUS. HEY, TUNA.

HEY, WHAT'S UP? HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOING TO GO GET CHANGED. RUSSELL, BEHAVE.

THAT'S YOUR IPHONE APPLICATION?

IT'S MY IPHONE APPLICATION. COME AND HAVE A LOOK.

COME ON. COME ON.

COME A LITTLE CLOSER. THERE WE GO.

PALM SHOCK.

HUH. PEOPLE WILL BUY ANYTHING, I GUESS.

[ALEX] YOU CAN GET THAT ON ITUNES?

YEAH, YEAH. IT'S NOT LEGAL. IT CAN'T BE LEGAL.

IT'S LEGAL.

HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?

WELL, TECHNOLOGY, BABY. TECHNOLOGY.

20 YEARS FROM NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE

TO SET OFF A NUCLEAR BOMB WITH ONE OF THESE THINGS.

HELLO! HELLO!

LOOK AT YOU!

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU. YOU LOOK GREAT!

HI! GOOD TO SEE YOU, HI!

REALLY, REALLY GOOD. I MEAN, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

YOU ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.

HEY, THERE. LOOK AT YOU, OLD FRIEND!

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU'RE IN THE CITY!

EXCELLENT. HELLO, HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, WHAT'S UP THERE, HOMEBOY?

GOOD TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

YOU GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT, TOO. I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

EVERYONE, DRINKS OVER HERE.

HELP YOURSELF, AND LET'S PARTY, OKAY?

WOO, PARTY!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS, IS IT BROKEN?

OH, THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS IS FUCKED.

WHY DON'T YOU USE THE MANUAL FOCUS, AMY?

BECAUSE I LIKE THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS.

YEAH,, BUT YOU KNOW, PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS

THAT I KNOW OF, THEY DIDN'T USE THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS.

THEY USED MANUAL FOCUS, I MEAN--

OH, YEAH? HOW MANY PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS DO YOU KNOW OF?

PERSONALLY I KNOW THEM, BUT, LIKE, HISTORICALLY,

LIKE, DIANE ARBUS, SPENCER TUNICK,

ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE, THEY PREFERRED TO FOCUS

BY HAND, I'M ASSUMING, BY HAND.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE, YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS.

REALLY? YOU'RE--

WHO WAS HE?

UH, MAPPLETHORPE

WAS BILLY GRAHAM'S PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

YEAH. YEAH, HE WAS, YEAH.

OKAY. I DIDN'T KNOW BILLY GRAHAM HAD A PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

IF YOU GET TO THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA,

YOU'LL SEE MAPPLETHORPES ALL OVER THE WALLS,

HE WAS A BIG ADMIRER.

AMAZING.

FAMILY PORTRAITS, MAPPLETHORPE DID THEM ALL.

MAPPLETHORPE WAS VERY INTERESTING, VERY PROVOCATIVE.

SWEET.

YEAH.

WE DISAGREED ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WE FOUGHT ABOUT MOVIES, POLITICS, FOOD.

SHE CRITICIZED ME ABOUT NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY.

SHE CRITICIZED ME ABOUT VOLUNTEERING ON THE WEEKENDS.

THE DAY WE SIGNED OUR DIVORCE PAPERS, SHE THREW THE PEN AT ME

AND SHE SAID, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I MARRIED A COMMUNIST."

WELL, YOU'RE NOT A COMMUNIST, ARE YOU?

NO, I'M NOT A COMMUNIST.

LIKE, I CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

DOES THAT MAKE ME A COMMUNIST? NO!

BUT YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU. YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE.

IF YOU'RE NOT A COMMUNIST,

WHY DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO OF KARL MARX ON YOUR TAINT?

IT'S GROUCHO MARX.

ON YOUR TAINT?

I'M JUST SAD YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.

I DID LIKE AMANDA.

I LIKED HER, TOO. IT'S JUST SHE BECAME

A RIGHT-WING FANATIC. I GAVE $500 TO UNICEF

AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE IN JAPAN.

WE HAD THIS HUGE FIGHT ABOUT IT. HUGE.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S LIKE THAT.

SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN PHILANTHROPY

UNLESS IT'S DONE BY THE BAPTIST CHURCH.

I MEAN, RED CROSS, UNICEF,

THEY'RE ALL COMMUNIST ORGANIZATIONS TO HER.

ANYBODY, ANOTHER DRINK?

OH, YES, PLEASE. UH, WHITE WINE.

I THINK AYN RAND GOT THIS SHIT RIGHT.

WORK HARD FOR YOURSELF,

EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

WHO'S AYN RAND?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE WROTE THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

SURE, SURE. WORK HARD, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY

RUSSELL, IT'S A BUNCH OF WHITE MEN SITTING AROUND A ROOM,

DIVVYING UP ALL THE POWER, AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS SCREWED.

[RUSSELL] YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. [TUNA] YOU'RE A WHITE GUY.

I AGREE WITH ANDREW. I THINK EVERYBODY'S

JUST RUSHING OFF TO BECOME A BILLIONAIRE,

AND IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE PREFER IAN RA--

AYN RAND.

AYN RAND, AYN RAND, TO VIKTOR FRANKL.

OH! I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HUMANITY?

FUCK VIKTOR FRANKL.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

SIMPLE. YOU TAKE THE NAME VICTOR FRANKL.

YOU PUT THE WORD FUCK BEFORE IT.

WELL, FUCK YOU FOR SAYING THAT.

OKAY. I WON'T SAY FUCK VIKTOR FRANKL.

I WILL SAY FUCK WHAT HE STOOD FOR.

HE STOOD FOR HUMANITY.

[AMY] WHO'S VIKTOR FRANKL?

HE WROTE A BOOK CALLED MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING.

MADE A TON OF MONEY.

YES, FRANKL'S BOOK IS ABOUT PUTTING OTHERS BEFORE YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE PATH TO RIGHTEOUSNESS,

OKAY, AS OPPOSED TO AYN RAND,

WHO, YOU KNOW, ESPOUSED SELFISHNESS.

SHE WHAT?

SHE ESPOUSED SELFISHNESS.

ESPOUSED?

YES, YES, BLOODY ESPOUSED.

AND SHE WAS BLOODY RIGHT IN HER ESPOUSAL OF IT.

WE'RE IN AN AGE OF SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT.

SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS THAT A WORD?

YOU KNOW IT'S A WORD. SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT,

YOU KNOW, THE PURSUIT OF THE SELF.

FRANKL'S IDEA OF HELPING OTHERS IS DEAD.

IT'S DEAD, IT'S OBSOLETE.

THAT'S JUST SO NEGATIVE.

NO, IT'S NOT NEGATIVE. IT'S TRUE!

THE EARTHQUAKE IN JAPAN, OKAY,

THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU, RUSSELL,

BUT OTHERS ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP.

YEAH. PEOPLE HELP.

[TUNA] DID YOU GIVE ANY MONEY?

WHAT, WHAT? YOU GIVE $50 TO UNICEF, YOU THINK YOU'RE HELPING.

BULLSHIT.

I GAVE $500 TO UNICEF.

$500, $5,000, I DON'T CARE IF YOU GAVE $5 MILLION.

IT'S MEANINGLESS.

GEORGE SOROS, ALBERT SCHWEITZER, MOTHER TERESA,

YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING OR DID PHILANTHROPY

OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS?

THEY WERE DOING IT TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER.

MARTIN LUTHER KING DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS.

HE WAS DOING IT ALL TO GET LAID.

OH, COME ON.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CARED ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS,

BUT HE DID FUCK A LOT OF WOMEN.

SAME WITH GANDHI, LIBERAL DO-GOODY-GOOD BULLSHIT.

IT'S JUST THAT, BULLSHIT;

INSINCERE, SELF-SERVING BULLSHIT.

AND GANDHI WAS NOT SELF-SERVING.

HE CARED ABOUT PEOPLE. HE CARED ABOUT CAUSES, TOO,

BUT HE WAS LOVED TO MEET WITH GAYS, FAGS.

I MEAN, SEE, I SAY THAT NOT IN A HOMOPHOBIC,

PEJORATIVE SENSE. I SAY THAT WITH LOVE

BECAUSE I'M GAY. WE'RE ALL GAY.

I MEAN GAY IN A BISEXUAL KIND OF WAY

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S LIKE--

GANDHI WAS GAY.

GANDHI WAS GAY ALL THE WAY. HE DIDN'T FAST FOR PEACE.

HE GOT SKINNY TO HOOK UP WITH ALL THE LITTLE TEN DARK LITTLE INDIAN BOYS.

NUBILES DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING BUT HEDONISM.

WHAT'S THAT?

NUBILES DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING BUT HEDONISM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HEDONISM?

YEAH, HEDONISM I THINK CAN BE IMPROVED, THOUGH.

HOW?

IT COULD FEEL BETTER.

THEY CARE MORE ABOUT THEIR LIBIDO

THAN THEY DO ABOUT SAVING THE WORLD.

AND REPUBLICANS ARE FUCKING TERRIFIED OF SEX,

IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT CAUSES,

HUNGER, WAR, FAMINE, PUT UNEDUCATED KIDS ON CRACK,

YOU'D DONATE HALF YOUR SALARY

TO THE DO-GOODY-GOOD CAUSE FOUNDATION.

THE DO-GOOD--

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

THE DO-GOOD WHAT?

THE DO-GOODY-GOODY CAUSE FOUNDATION.

THE DO-GOODY-GOODY CAUSE FOUNDATION?

IF YOU WERE TRULY EARNEST

ABOUT YOUR GOODY-GOODY CRUSADE,

YOU'D JOIN THE PEACE CORPS.

CAN WE JUST NOT SAY GOODY-GOODY,

GOODY ANYMORE?

ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND. HELLO.

HE WOULD DIE IN THE PEACE CORPS!

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW RUSSELL.

HE'S SHOWBOATING. HE WANTS TO SHOCK YOU.

YOU'RE FUCKING DAMN RIGHT, HE WANTS TO SHOCK PEOPLE.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS IPHONE APPLICATION?

I'M GOING TO DOWNLOAD IT RIGHT NOW, SHOCK HIS NUTS

THE NEXT TIME HE TRIES TO FUCK WITH ME.

I'M NOT TRYING TO SHOWBOAT. I'M JUST SAYING

WHAT NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO SAY.

HUMANITY IS DEAD.

OH, MY GOD.

HUMANITY ISN'T DEAD. IT'S JUST OUR LIFE'S--

THE TRUTH HURTS. THE TRUTH HURTS, BUT YOU SEE,

I KNOW THE TRUTH, AND I'M REVEALING IT,

LIKE A GRAND MAGICIAN PULLING BACK THE CURTAIN

TO REVEAL THE BIG FAT ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

THE ONLY BIG FAT ELEPHANT IN THIS ROOM

IS YOU, YOU REPUBLICAN FUCK.

SNAP!

HE FUCKED YOU UP, DUDE!

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M REPUBLICAN.

OH, YOU FUCKED ME UP SO BAD. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT

I'M A REPUBLICAN, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU HAD A GUN TO MY HEAD, I WOULDN'T CONVERT.

OH, IF THEY GAVE YOU ENOUGH MONEY, I'D BET YOU COULD.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY.

YOU WOULD TOO IF THE PRICE WAS RIGHT.

CONVERT TO WHAT? REPUBLICAN?

YEAH. FOR MONEY?

NO, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. IF SOMEONE SAID

HE HAS A MILLION DOLLARS FOR EACH REPUBLICAN,

YOU'D DO IT WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE RICH. I DON'T WANT TO BE RICH AT ALL.

I AGREE WITH RUSSELL ON THIS.

OH, COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WISH YOU COULD AFFORD

TO BUY A DECENT PAIR OF SHOES.

OOH!

OUCH! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY OUCH,

BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE, OKAY, MAYBE I WISH

I MADE A LITTLE BIT MORE MONEY SO I COULD GO

ON DATES AGAIN WITH HOT BITCHES

WHO JUST ARE, YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF THING

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE RICH, AND I NEVER HAVE.

YOU SAID YOURSELF EARLIER TODAY

YOU WISH YOU HAD MORE MONEY.

YEAH, A LITTLE BIT MORE MONEY, SURE.

WHO DOESN'T? BUT I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO DISOWNS MY COUSIN JUST BECAUSE HE OWES ME A FEW DOLLARS, OKAY?

TUNA.

WHO'S YOUR COUSIN?

OH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU? HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

EVERYONE, THIS IS SIMON.

SIMON, EVERYONE.

SIMON.

SIMON'S A TENANT AND PAINTER, POET, PORNOGRAPHER,

ANY OTHER VOCATION YOU COULD THINK OF

THAT STARTS WITH THE LETTER P.

WELL, I DON'T MAKE PORN, BUT I SURE LIKE IT.

[LAUGHING]

YOU GO MAKE YOURSELF A DRINK.

OKAY. WHAT WERE WE SAYING?

UH, YOU WERE RUNNING YOUR MOUTH,

AND EVERYONE WAS DISAGREEING WITH YOU.

WELL, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. THE MAJORITY

USUALLY GETS IT WRONG, JUST LIKE THE LAST ELECTION.

OH, BECAUSE WE VOTED FOR A PRESIDENT WHO WANTED

TO UNITE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF DIVIDE IT, RUSSELL? COME ON.

YEAH, AND IF MCCAIN WAS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW,

WE'D BE IN A WAR WITH IRAN RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

THERE'S NO COMPASSION, NONE, AND NO HUMANITY.

OH, FUCK HUMANITY.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

YOU TAKE THE WORD HUMANITY...

I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU PUT THE WORD FUCK IN FRONT OF IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'VE GOT A STORY ABOUT FUCK HUMANITY.

OH, GOD. HERE WE GO.

YEAH, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. HEY, SIMON, COME SIT. LISTEN UP.

IS THERE GOING TO BE A TEST?

YOU BET YOUR JUICY ASS THERE IS.

ANYONE WHO FAILS THIS IS GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE DEEDEE A BLOWJOB.

WHO IN THIS ROOM HAS NOT GIVEN DEEDEE A BLOWJOB?

I HAVEN'T GIVEN DEEDEE A BLOWJOB.

OH, YOU HAVE.

WHEN WAS THIS? DID I MISS THIS?

SO,

I WAS ON VACATION ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO,

SOMEWHERE IN THE FAR EAST.

DON'T REMEMBER WHERE,

TIBET, BURMA, SAIGON.

I WAS TAKING SO MANY DRUGS, EVERYTHING'S KIND OF A BLUR.

WHAT KIND OF DRUGS?

OH, JESUS. RED ONES, BLUE ONES,

A ONE-EYED MEXICAN SOLD ME A PACK OF PILLS

FILLED WITH LIQUID PCP MIXED WITH COKE.

MM.

I ALMOST ASTRAL-PROJECTED INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.

WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE IN THE FAR EAST.

I WAS IN THE FAR EAST.

HOW DID A ONE-EYED MEXICAN SELL YOU DRUGS?

MEXICANS NOT ALLOWED IN THE FAR EAST?

OH. TOUCHE.

SO, THE CITY I'M RIDING THROUGH

LOOKS LIKE STALINGRAD,

LIKE KING KONG HAD A PACK OF LAXATIVES

AND DROPPED A NAGASAKI-SIZED TURD ON THE PLACE.

I MEAN, BUILDINGS MADE OF CARDBOARD,

SIDEWALKS SO CRACKED, THEY LOOKED LIKE SHATTERED GLASS,

POTHOLES THE SIZE OF CRATERS,

TRASH EVERYWHERE--

OKAY, WE GET THE POINT.

NUDE BABIES COVERED IN MUD, RUNNING THROUGH THE STREET.

I THINK THAT'S WHERE RICHARD AND PHOEBE

ARE TAKING THEIR HONEYMOON.

WHERE ARE RICHARD AND PHOEBE TAKING THEIR HONEYMOON?

WHO FUCKING KNOWS? SO,

I'M RIDING MY NINJA MOTORBIKE THROUGH THIS TOWN,

COME ACROSS THIS CROWD OF PEOPLE

THAT ARE STARING UP AT A BUILDING,

AND THERE'S THIS COMMOTION, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE.

EVERYONE'S SCREAMING, AND YOU KNOW ALL THAT STUFF,

SO I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

SO I LOOK UP. THERE'S A LITTLE OLD LADY

STANDING ON A BALCONY.

SHE'S WAVING HER ARMS, SCREAMING TOO.

I MEAN, SHE'S ON THE THIRD FLOOR, AND SHE'S PISSED AS HELL,

LIKE SOMEONE JUST STOLE HER WONTON SOUP.

[TUNA] THAT'S RACIST, DUDE.

WHAT ARE YOU ON FOR?

'CAUSE I'M TURKISH AND A LITTLE HIGH.

WAIT, COME ON. WHAT WAS SHE SCREAMING ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA. SHE'S SPEAKING IN CHINESE.

[TUNA] I FUCKED A CHINESE GIRL LAST NIGHT.

REALLY. WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

UH, I DIDN'T FUCK HER. I JUST FINGERED HER.

WELL, SHE FINGERED ME, ACTUALLY. WE FINGERED EACH OTHER.

WE JUST DID A LITTLE CHINESE FINGER TRAP THING. IT WAS--

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[TUNA] SO YOU'RE IN CHINA WITH--

I WASN'T IN CHINA. IT WAS BURMA OR SOMEWHERE.

YOU JUST SAID SHE WAS SPEAKING CHINESE.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING FOR WEEKS.

I COULDN'T TELL NORTH FROM SOUTH.

THEY WERE SPEAKING BURMESE OR MAYANESE OR--

MAYANESE? THAT'S A LANGUAGE?

WAIT, WAS SHE EATING MAYANESE OR SPEAKING MAYANESE?

SHE WAS PUTTING IT ON A SANDWICH, RIGHT?

IS THAT--MUSTARDY. SHE WAS SPEAKING MUSTARDY.

RUSSELL, MAYBE SHE WASN'T ASIAN AT ALL.

MAYBE SHE WAS CREAMY ITALIAN.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? OKAY, WELL, STORY'S OVER.

SOMEONE ELSE SPEAK. I'M DONE.

OH, COME ON, RUSSELL.

FOR ONCE, SOMEONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. COME ON.

NO. I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE,

A STORY THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY-- IT WAS ACTUALLY A BIG DEAL.

IT MIGHT ACTUALLY WHAT?

A STORY THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY CHANGE THE WORLD, IS THAT WHAT THIS--

VERY DEEP, RUSSELL.

FUCK YOU. OOH.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU.

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HEAR IT.

THIS IS WHERE HE FARTS AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

OKAY, RUSSELL, PLEASE DON'T FART AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM.

I'M GOING TO FART ON YOUR FUTURE, BUDDY,

AND WHEN I FART ON YOUR FUTURE, YOUR FUTURE'S FUCKED.

MY FUTURE'S ALREADY FUCKED, RUSSELL.

FARTING ON IT MIGHT ACTUALLY IMPROVE IT.

HOLD ON, EVERYONE. CONTINUE WITH THIS STORY.

THANK YOU, SIMON.

SO, THE WOMAN ON THE THIRD FLOOR BALCONY,

SHE'S SCREAMING OUT TO HIGH HEAVEN.

THE PEOPLE ON THE BALCONIES NEXT TO HER ARE YELLING BACK AT HER.

THE CROWD ON THE FLOOR ARE YELLING UP AT HER,

AND THEY'RE WAVING THEIR ARMS, LIKE THEY'RE SAYING,

"COME ON. DO IT. JUMP."

THE KIDS THERE, THEY'RE POINTING UP AND LAUGHING.

THERE'S A COP ON THE CORNER. HE'S WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.

THERE'S A CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HIS MOUTH,

AND I SWEAR TO GOD THE CORNERS OF HIS MOUTH

ARE CURLED UP INTO A SMILE, AND EVERYONE'S YELLING.

I MEAN, THE SOUND IS, LIKE, IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE.

IT'S LIKE THIS THUNDEROUS CACOPHONY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A SLAUGHTERHOUSE BEING BLOWN APART

BY A TORNADO. IT DOESN'T EVEN SOUND HUMAN.

AND THEN SHE BENDS HER KNEES

AND JUMPS, HEAD FIRST.

OH, GOD.

AND THE CROWD SCATTER, LIKE BALLS ON A POOL TABLE,

LEAVING A GAP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK.

AND WHEN SHE LANDS, THERE'S THIS CRUNCH.

IT'S THE WORST SOUND I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

JESUS.

THERE WAS NO JESUS THERE, MY FRIEND, NO GOD, NO ALLAH,

NO YAHWEH OR VISHNU OR MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE.

THIS WAS THE SOUND OF APATHY.

RUSSELL, THIS IS HORRIBLE.

YES. SO, SHE WAS CARRYING A BAG,

WHICH MUST HAVE BEEN HER PURSE

BECAUSE WHEN SHE LANDED THE WHOLE THING EXPLODED.

ALL THESE COINS WENT FLYING EVERYWHERE, LIKE A SLOT MACHINE

PUKING UP ITS INSIDES, AND THE CROWD SCRAMBLE ONTO IT

LIKE KIDS IN A PIÑATA PARTY. I MEAN, THEY'RE FIGHTING

EACH OTHER TOOTH AND NAIL FOR A FISTFUL OF COPPER.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD LADY?

WELL, THAT'S JUST THE THING, ALEX.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE OLD LADY. NO ONE IS.

SHE'S WRITING ON THE GROUND FACE DOWN,

HER ARMS BROKEN. THERE ARE BONES STICKING OUT.

HER BODY'S BENT OVER AT THIS WEIRD ANGLE,

LIKE A HUMAN PRETZEL. I MEAN, IT WAS AWFUL.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT AS LONG AS I LIVE.

IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

I LOOK OVER AT THE COP.

HE TAKES A PUFF OF HIS CIGARETTE,

SHAKES HIS HEAD, CHUCKLES,

AND THEN HE JUST WALKS AWAY,

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. HE JUST UP AND CALLS IT A DAY.

AND THE CROWD, ONCE THEY'VE SNATCHED UP ALL THE COINS,

THEY WALK AWAY, TOO,

LEAVING THE LITTLE OLD LADY ALONE ON THE ASPHALT,

BLEEDING, BARELY BREATHING,

POOL OF BLOOD SPREADING BENEATH HER

LIKE A DAM THAT'S BURST.

FUCK HUMANITY.

WHEN WAS THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, LAST SUMMER,

WHEN I WAS RIDING MY MOTORCYCLE ACROSS THE WORLD.

WHERE WERE YOU?

YOU EVER READ DANTE'S INFERNO?

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID? I GOT ON MY BIKE AND GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

YOU DIDN'T HELP HER?

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW. CPR, SOMETHING?

I'M NOT A PARAMEDIC.

MAYBE CALL AN AMBULANCE?

THERE WAS A COP RIGHT THERE. HE SAW THE WHOLE THING.

SO, YOU JUST LET HER DIE.

WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?

BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIFE WITH MY FINGER, LIKE E.T., HMM?

I CAN MAKE YOU COME WITH THIS, BUT I CAN'T RESURRECT ANYONE.

I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT.

WANT ME TO PROVE IT?

NO, THANK YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU USE YOUR TAZER IPHONE APPLICATION

AND SHOCK HER, LIKE SHOCK HER A FEW TIMES?

WELL, WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE DONE?

TUNA, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHOCK HER BACK TO LIFE. IT WORKED ON FRANKENSTEIN.

YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE, RUSSELL.

YOU JUST LEFT HER THERE?

OKAY, I MAY BE AN ASSHOLE FOR A LOT OF REASONS,

BUT NOT BECAUSE I LEFT A LITTLE OLD LADY

BLEEDING ON THE SIDEWALK. I'M IN A STRANGE LAND,

I DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, THEY DIDN'T GIVE

A SHIT ABOUT HER. WHY SHOULD I?

YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

DAMN RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU WOULD'VE BEEN IN AMERICA,

YOU WOULD'VE HELPED HER.

WHY ARE YOU ON THEIR SIDE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.

WHY?

YOU'RE MY DRUG DEALER.

WELL, I MAY BE A DRUG DEALER, BUT I'M NOT A MONSTER.

WHAT A FUCKING MONSTER.

CHRIST, I WAS IN DANTE'S INFERNO.

BUT HAD YOU BEEN IN AMERICA, YOU WOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING, RIGHT?

SURE. I WOULD'VE CALLED 911, AT LEAST.

I WOULD'VE AT LEAST YELLED, "HELP!"

WITH SOME SORT OF FAUX URGENCY.

OH, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO START JERKING OFF MORE.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

JUST MAKE YOU MORE LIBERAL, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO BE MORE LIBERAL.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

RUSSELL, I DID READ THAT LIBERALS JERK OFF MORE THAN CONSERVATIVES.

YOU DIDN'T READ THAT 'CAUSE IT'S MY THEORY.

I JUST MADE IT UP.

THE POINT HERE, RUSSELL, THE POINT IS THAT YOU,

IF YOU WERE IN AMERICA, YOU SAID YOU WOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING,

WHICH MEANS YOU BELIEVE IN HUMANITY.

NO. YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

THE WORLD IS A SELFISH PLACE.

PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SHIT ANYMORE.

[KNOCKING]

RICHARD!

[CHEERING]

**

AH. I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK, RUSSELL.

YEAH, YEAH. HELP YOURSELF. THERE'S SOME BOOZE THERE.

WHAT'S UP?

HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU. LOOKING GOOD, AS ALWAYS.

THANK YOU.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, I'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND LIKE CRAZY,

TRYING TO FIND A MINISTER.

DID YOU FIND ONE?

NO. EVERYBODY'S OUT OF TOWN.

WHERE'S PHOEBE?

UH, SHE'LL BE UP IN A SECOND. SHE SPILLED SOME WINE

ON HER DRESS. SHE'S TRYING TO GET IT OUT.

NO, YEAH, NO, SHE'S GOING TO GET MARRIED IN A SOILED DRESS.

IT WAS A WEEK. WHAT HAPPENED?

THE MINISTER BACKED OUT?

NO, NO, NO. HE DIDN'T BACK OUT. HE GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT.

WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH, THE GUY WHO WAS GOING TO MARRY US

GOT RUN OVER THIS MORNING.

BY A CAR?

NO, BY A PACK OF WILD PLATYPUSES.

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW? ARE YOU CLAIRVOYANT?

YEAH.

HE GOT RUN OVER BY A PACK OF WILD PLATYPUSES.

PLATYPI. IS THAT CORRECT? WHAT'S THE PLURAL OF PLATYPUS?

PLATY--PLATYPI?

PLATYPUCCIA?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M JOKING ABOUT THIS.

I SHOULD NOT BE JOKING ABOUT THIS.

THE ACCIDENT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY BAD. HE BROKE HIS LEG,

AND THEY MIGHT HAVE TO AMPUTATE IT.

JESUS.

MY DAD LOST HIS LEG IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT.

OH, PLATYPUS.

THE PLURAL OF PLATYPUS IS PLATYPUS.

SO, UH, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL IT OFF, ARE YOU?

UH, YEAH, NO, YOU GUYS GOT DRESSED UP FOR NOTHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST-- I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED.

WHAT?

FREEDOM, FREEDOM.

NO, NO, I WAS JUST KIDDING. I MEAN, STUFF LIKE THAT.

WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY WAS FUCK YOU, RUSSELL.

SO, YOU HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY?

NO, NO. IT SEEMS LIKE

EVERYONE WE KNOW IS UNAVAILABLE.

THERE'S NOT ANYONE?

THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE.

NO, AND, LIKE, IT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT FOR US

TO KEEP IT, LIKE, WITHIN THE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

TO MAKE SURE IT WAS AN INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY,

YOU KNOW, PLEDGE YOUR LOVE, ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

TOMORROW RUN DOWN TO THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE AND DO IT FOR REAL.

NO WAY.

NO, IT HAS TO BE OFFICIAL.

[ANDREW] OH, COME ON. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO LAST OR ANYTHING.

UH, HERE'S A SOLUTION.

UH, GET ALEX'S COUSIN TO DO IT.

WHAT?

YEAH, UM, LOUIS.

ALEX'S COUSIN LOUIS IS A MINISTER.

HE COULD DO IT, RIGHT? I MEAN--

[RICHARD] REALLY? IS HE IN NEW YORK?

UH, WELL, HE'S--

HE'S IN QUEENS, I THINK.

NO, IT'S HARLEM, ACTUALLY.

YEAH. HE'S A MINISTER, NOT AN ORDAINED--

I MEAN, HE IS AN ORDAINED MINISTER. HE'S JUST NOT,

LIKE, A PROFESSIONAL MINISTER, BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK--

HE'S GREAT, HE'S GREAT!

YOUR COUSIN'S A MINISTER?

HE'S GREAT. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HIM

ON THE WAY OVER HERE, AND IT'S LIKE HE WAS DESTINED

TO MARRY YOU TWO. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CALL HIM.

I COULD CALL HIM, I GUESS.

OKAY. I MEAN, YEAH, TOTALLY!

THIS IS, LIKE, SOMEBODY YOU CAN TRUST, OR--

WELL, THE THING IS, IS THAT HE HAS THIS, LIKE--

[TUNA] HE'S GOOD. HE'S PERFECT.

[RICHARD] OKAY, THEN. YEAH. LET'S, UH--

LET'S HAVE A WEDDING.

ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERING]

**

* I'VE HAD SOME TIME *

* FOR A WHILE *

* THE PLACES ARE GO ARE THE PLACES I KNOW *

* I'VE GOT TIME FOR BLISS *

* I'VE BEEN CRYING MY LIGHTS OUT *

* I SPILLED TEA ON MY SHEETS *

* THE TIME THAT WE SPENT AT ANGELA'S HOUSE *

* YOU WEREN'T THIS FAR AWAY FROM ME *

I'M SUCH A KLUTZ.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WHAT IF IT'S, LIKE, A SIGN OF SOME SORT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE A WARNING THAT I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS?

NO. NO, IT'S A GOOD SIGN.

YOU THINK? YEAH, OF COURSE.

LIKE A STIGMATA?

EXACTLY LIKE A STIGMATA.

OKAY, THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHERE WE'LL DO IT.

WE'LL, LIKE, FORM A CIRCLE,

AND THEN WE'LL PUT THE GUYS ON THIS SIDE

AND JUST STACK THE GIRLS ON THE OTHER SIDE,

AND THEN PHOEBE AND I WILL WALK DOWN THE AISLE THERE,

AND WE'LL SAY OUR VOWS IN THE SHADE OVER THERE.

A LITTLE BORING, HUH?

DO YOU THINK IT'S BORING? I THINK IT'S SIMPLE.

IT'S SIMPLE, SURE, BUT BORING.

WELL, IT DOES GIVE YOU AN INDICATION

OF WHAT YOUR LIFE'S GOING TO BE LIKE.

HMM. YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR LIFE GOING TO BE LIKE

WHEN YOU'RE 80 AND ALONE ON CHRISTMAS DAY? BECAUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO BE BESIDE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

SURROUNDED BY OUR LOVELY CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN,

OPENING PRESENTS BENEATH THE TREE.

MM, YEAH. I HATE CHILDREN,

I HATE CHRISTMAS, AND I PLAN ON BEING DEAD BY 80.

MM, OKAY. WELL, DO YOU HATE THIS?

OH, NO, I LOVE THAT.

OKAY, YOU LIKE THAT. WHAT ABOUT THAT?

YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT?

IS LOUIS THE COUSIN WITH THE BAD TEETH?

THEY WERE, BUT THEY'RE FINE NOW.

OKAY, BUT IS HE REALLY A MINISTER?

YEAH.

WELL, IS ANYBODY REALLY A MINISTER?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, IF GOD--

GOD PROBABLY DOESN'T EXIST, RIGHT?

SO, IF MINISTERS PREACH IN THE NAME OF GOD,

THEN THEY'RE BOGUS.

THAT WOULD MEAN THAT ALL MARRIAGES UNDER GOD ARE BOGUS.

THERE YOU GO, ANDREW.

YOUR MARRIAGE WAS PROBABLY ILLEGITIMATE.

IT CERTAINLY FELT THAT WAY.

ARE YOU DIVORCED?

NO. GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW.

OH. YEAH. ME, TOO. CONGRATULATIONS.

UH, I'M NOT SURE THAT CONGRATULATIONS

ARE IN ORDER, BUT THANKS.

I'M SURE THEY ARE. I MEAN, YOU'RE FREE NOW.

IT'S LIKE BEING RELEASED FROM PRISON, ISN'T IT?

I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED. I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE RUDE. OH, I'M TACO.

TACO?

TACO, YEAH, LIKE THE TACO.

I WAS ROOMMATES WITH RICHARD IN COLLEGE.

OKAY.

CHECK OUT KRISTIN'S BOOTY IN THAT DRESS.

YOU WERE ALL UP IN THAT SHIT

BACK IN THE DAY, WEREN'T YOU?

FOR A LITTLE WHILE. AH--

I WASN'T ALL UP IN THAT SHIT. I MEAN,

WE WERE CONSERVATIVE WITH OUR UP IN THE SHIT STUFF.

IS THAT A EUPHEMISM FOR ANAL SEX?

NO, I WOULDN'T CALL UP IN THE SHIT

A EUPHEMISM, NO. WHAT ABOUT AMY?

SHE'S NOT BAD. SHE'S GOT A NICE LITTLE ASS, TOO,

DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT ARE YOU, A PROCTOLOGIST?

I'M AN ASS MAN. YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME.

SHE PISSES ME OFF, THOUGH.

WHY?

DID YOU HEAR THAT BULLSHIT COMMENT SHE MADE ABOUT MY SHOES?

NO, WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT YOUR SHOES?

SHE SAID I'M ON WELFARE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT? YEAH.

WHO IS THAT?

LING XIE. WHO THE FUCK IS LING XIE?

OH, THIS IS THE GIRL I HAD SEX WITH LAST NIGHT.

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T SERIOUSLY

SLEEP WITH A 21-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL LAST NIGHT.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING.

I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY, AM I NOT?

NO COMMENT.

UM, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE JOHNNY DEPP.

YOU THINK I'M AN UGLY FUCKER.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. YOU DO NEED TO CLEAN YOUR TEETH, THOUGH.

UH, AMY, HEY. GIVE IT A BREAK, OKAY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU DON'T LIKE HAVING YOUR PICTURE TAKEN.

I DON'T, ACTUALLY.

YOU KNOW, IN SOME CULTURES THEY BELIEVE WHEN YOU HAVE

YOUR PHOTO TAKEN, YOU LOSE A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR SOUL.

OH, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SERIOUS.

GO AND TAKE AN ARTSY PICTURE

OF THAT LEAF, OR SOMETHING. YOU NEED THE TRAINING.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

RUSSELL, COME HERE. WE NEED YOU.

STAND HERE AND PRETEND TO BE THE MINISTER.

WHY DIDN'T YOU HIRE SOMEONE TO PLAN THIS THING?

BECAUSE WE WANTED TO BE SPONTANEOUS, OKAY?

CAN YOU JUST--

THERE'S NO STRUCTURE. IT'S DISORGANIZED.

IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD.

AW, YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER.

YOU SAY THAT NOW. GIVE IT 10 YEARS.

HEY, YOU KEEP THAT IN YOUR MOUTH FOR THE HONEYMOON.

UH, RICHARD WOULDN'T WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW THIS,

BUT, UH, WHEN WE WERE IN COLLEGE,

I LOANED HIM MONEY TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION.

TWICE.

SAME ABORTION TWICE, OR TWO SEPARATE ABORTIONS?

UH, MY EX-WIFE, MY SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE,

SHE IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO SUE ME

FOR HAVING TALKED HER INTO AN ABORTION.

LIKE YEARS AGO, YEAH.

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

WELL, SHE SAYS I PREVENTED HER

FROM HAVING A CHILD, SO NOW SHE'S TRYING

TO COLLECT CHILD SUPPORT

FOR THE CHILD SHE NEVER HAD.

OOH. THAT'S LOUIS, MAYBE.

OH, NO. OH, IT'S DANIEL.

HI, MY DEAR.

YEAH?

[RUSSELL] ARE YOU GUYS STILL HAVING SEX,

OR HAVE YOU PUT IT OFF FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS

'CAUSE YOU SOMEHOW THINK IT'S GOING TO MAKE

THE SEX ON THE WEDDING NIGHT FEEL MORE SPECIAL?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WELL, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? ABSTAINING FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

IS GOING TO MAKE THE SEX FEEL BRAND-NEW.

THE HYMEN DOESN'T GROW BACK, PHOEBE.

COME ON, JUST SAY THE CLOSING PART.

WHAT CLOSING PART?

THE, LIKE, I DO, YOU KNOW, PRONOUNCE YOU, STUFF LIKE THAT.

OH, OKAY. OH, YEAH. OKAY. SO, IN FRONT

OF ALL THESE LOSERS, CATAMITES, REPROBATES,

AND WITH GODDAMN GOD AS OUR WITNESS,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

MOTHERFUCKING HUSBAND AND WIFE.

THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL, RUSSELL. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT REMINDS ME.

WE'VE GOT TO REMEMBER TO TELL ALEX'S COUSIN

TO KEEP GOD OUT OF THE CEREMONY.

NO, I DIDN'T AGREE TO THAT.

WE, WE--DID WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS?

I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WE'RE GOING

TO KEEP GOD OUT OF IT.

NO, WE AGREED THAT GOD WOULD STAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY DON'T--

WHY DO YOU NEED GOD, WHEN YOU HAVE ME?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST SOUTH OF BELVEDERE CASTLE,

AND I EMAILED YOU A PIN, AND YOU'LL KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY. BYE.

YOU'VE GOT A TAG ON YOUR PANTS.

WHAT DID YOUR CONCUBINE WANT?

SHE'S ON HER WAY OVER HERE, ACTUALLY.

SHE'S COMING TO THE WEDDING.

YEAH. I TOLD HER TO BRING HER CAMERA.

I TOLD HER WE NEED A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER, SO.

WHAT ABOUT AMY?

AMY'S NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER.

DEFINITELY NOT A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER.

DID YOU REALLY HAVE SEX

WITH A 21-YEAR-OLD ASIAN GIRL LAST NIGHT?

WELL, YOU GUYS MAKE HER SOUND LIKE

A SIDESHOW ATTRACTION, YOU KNOW.

SHE'S NOT JUST SOME 21-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL

THAT I HAD SEX WITH. SHE'S A REAL PERSON,

FLESH AND BLOOD, LIKE YOU OR ME.

BUT I DID TAKE A RIDE TO CHINATOWN LAST NIGHT.

LIKE I SAID, I DID A PLUG, A PLUG--

YOU KNOW, YEAH, MADE A HAT THAT I--

I WENT FOR IT. IT WAS GOOD STUFF,

AND STRADDLED MY GREAT WALL--

OH, DON'T STOP. COME ON, KEEP IT COMING.

ACTUALLY, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

I WAS SO WASTED, I DON'T EVEN THINK

WE CONSUMMATED. I DON'T THINK I GOT IT UP,

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, NOT THAT I HAVE ERECTILE--

YOU'RE JUST LIKE WOODY ALLEN.

WHY IS THAT? DOES HE HAVE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?

PROBABLY, BUT HE WAS OLD,

AND HE MARRIED THAT REALLY YOUNG CHINESE CHICK.

WHAT WAS HER NAME?

UH, SOON-YI.

SHE'S NOT CHINESE. SHE'S KOREAN.

WHATEVER. THE POINT IS

SHE WAS A LOT YOUNGER THAN HIM.

LOOK, I'M 39. THIS GIRL'S 21 YEARS OLD.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE.

I'M NOT RELATED TO HER EITHER,

SO THERE'S NOT THAT FACTOR.

YEAH. SOON-YI WAS 22 WHEN SHE MARRIED WOODY ALLEN,

AND THEY'RE NOT RELATED BY BLOOD.

SHE'S NOT--HE WAS NEVER EVEN LEGALLY HER STEPFATHER.

NO, I THOUGHT WOODY ALLEN MARRIED MIA FARROW.

NO, NO. THEY NEVER GOT MARRIED.

REALLY?

WELL, HOW OLD WAS WOODY ALLEN

WHEN HE MARRIED "SOON-YE"?

SOON-YI, SOON-YI. ALLEN WAS 56,

SOON-YI 22. THAT'S A DIFFERENCE OF 34 YEARS.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO GOOGLE THAT.

YEAH, BUT WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS?

I'M OBSESSED WITH SOON-YI.

WHY?

I SLEPT WITH MY ADOPTED DAUGHTER AS WELL.

THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING A DIVORCE.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU FELT THAT WAY?

MY TEMPER? COME ON, YOU KNOW--

[GROANING]

I ONLY GET ANGRY BECAUSE OF THE DUMB SHIT YOU DO.

WHAT DO YOU--YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAY DOWN THERE.

WHAT ABOUT ALL YOUR STUFF? YOU--

WELL, JUST, I DON'T KNOW, SAY SOMETHING COMFORTING.

HEY, ALEX!

ALEX, I'M HERE!

I'M READY FOR THE WEDDING.

UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST--

THIS IS REALLY BAD TIMING.

[TUNA] OH, THERE'S LOUIS.

[DEEDEE] HE SHOWED UP?

HE'S NOTHING LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE.

YOU STILL EXPECT THINGS?

HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MY THIRD-GRADE MATH TEACHER,

MR. BLACKWELL. HE'S A REALLY SWEET GUY.

OH, DID YOU FUCK HIS DICK?

I DIDN'T START FUCKING TILL THE FOURTH GRADE, TUNA.

REALLY? I HATED MY THIRD-GRADE MATH TEACHER.

OH, YOU REMEMBER YOUR THIRD-GRADE MATH TEACHER?

YEAH, MR. CROTTY. I HATED THAT MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT.

HE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

WHY?

HE WAS A SHITTY TEACHER. I LOVED MATH

UP UNTIL THE THIRD GRADE. AFTER MR. CROTTY'S CLASS,

I HAD NO INTEREST IN IT WHATSOEVER,

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, I WOULD'VE GONE ON

TO BE A SUCCESSFUL PHYSICIST OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OR A MATH TEACHER?

YOU CANNOT JUST BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY YELL,

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE-- IT'S HEREDITARY.

YELLING ISN'T HEREDITARY. IT'S A PRODUCT OF INSECURITY.

MY PARENTS WERE GREEK, OKAY?

HEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.

ALEX, YOU HAVE TO TRY NOT TO GET SO UPSET ALL THE TIME.

IS THAT DANIEL? I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM IN FOREVER.

OH, MY--

HEY, DANIEL. IT'S LOUIS. YEAH.

OH, HEY. IS THAT HER?

THE 21-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL YOU FUCKED LAST NIGHT?

THAT'S FUCKED, YEAH.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

[AMY] WHO IS TUNA TALKING TO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I LIKE HER.

DOES HE KNOW HER?

YEAH, I THINK THEY JUST MET LAST NIGHT.

OH. DID HE HOOK UP WITH HER?

I HEARD HIM SAYING SOMETHING

ABOUT HOOKING UP WITH A CHINESE GIRL.

OH, I THOUGHT HE WAS JOKING ABOUT THAT.

WHY IS SHE CARRYING A CAMERA?

I WANT TO FUCK A CHINESE GIRL.

YEAH, WELL, WE ALL DO, BUT I THINK WE NEED

TO GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

IT'S GOING TO, LIKE, RAIN ANY SECOND.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN ALEX'S COUSIN? IS THAT GUY HERE YET?

YEAH, SHE'S TALKING TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ALL DO?

WHAT?

WHEN RUSSELL SAID, "I WANT TO FUCK A CHINESE GIRL,"

YOU SAID, "WE ALL DO."

I SAID THAT? AH. I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T-- I DON'T KNOW. NO.

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

WELL, HOW DID YOU MEAN IT?

I DIDN'T. I WASN'T THINKING.

I JUST SAID IT.

AM I NOT CHINESE ENOUGH FOR YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE NOT CHINESE AT ALL.

WELL, IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM?

[LOUIS] THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT, DANIEL.

IF YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH SOMEBODY, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON.

NO, NO. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

IT'S, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU LEFT.

YOU SHOULD NEVER STRING SOMEBODY ALONG.

YOU JUST CUT 'EM LOOSE AND MOVE ON. THEY'LL ADAPT.

IT'S--YEAH, OH,

IT'S LIKE THAT BOOK, WHO MOVED MY CHEESE.

YEAH. [CHUCKLING] YEAH, YEAH.

I KNOW. ISN'T IT GREAT? YEAH. I MEAN,

IT'S NOT AS GREAT AS THE BIBLE, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE AS LONG

TO READ EITHER, DOES IT? OH.

OH, DANIEL. IT'S SO GOOD TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER, DANIEL. BYE-BYE.

ALEX, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS COOL.

DANIEL? HE HUNG UP.

OH, DID HE? I'M SORRY.

YEAH. THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CALL HIM BACK. YOU NEED HIS NUMBER?

I GUESS YOU ALREADY HAVE HIS NUMBER, HUH?

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO CHINESE WOMEN.

BULLSHIT. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?

UH, SNOOPY COME HOME?

IT'S THE JOY LUCK CLUB.

NO, IT'S REALLY SNOOPY COME HOME.

THAT'S WHY YOU WANTED ME TO DRESS UP LIKE A GEISHA

FOR HALLOWEEN, AND YOU BOUGHT ME THAT KIMONO FOR CHRISTMAS?

AND KABUKI DUKI. OH, GOD, KABUKI DUKI.

COME HERE.

IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE. DON'T TOUCH ME.

WHAT THE FUCK'S KABUKI DUKI?

LOUIS, FINALLY. THANK GOD.

YES, PRAISE GOD.

NO, NO PRAISING GOD, OKAY? UH--

OH, OKAY.

ESPECIALLY DURING THE CEREMONY.

ALL RIGHT.

HI. I'M LOUIS.

HI, LEWIS. NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M RICHARD.

THIS IS MY FIANCEE PHOEBE.

HI, LOUIS. THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS,

AND YOU COULD TALK ABOUT GOD AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

RICHARD MIGHT PREFER THAT YOU TALK ABOUT THE DAO DE JING,

BUT GOD WILL DO JUST FINE.

WELL, IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A WEDDING CEREMONY,

IT'S PROBABLY BEST THAT WE SPEAK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.

NO, IT REALLY ISN'T.

OH.

NO, IF LOUIS WANTS TO TALK ABOUT GOD,

HE'S GOING TO TALK ABOUT GOD.

OKAY. JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT JESUS.

NO HOLY GHOST, NO HOLY SPIRIT.

I'M NOT A CHRISTIAN.

[PHOEBE] I'M NOT EITHER.

RIGHT. THAT'S MY POINT, ACTUALLY.

YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIANS?

NO. WHY NOT?

OH, GOD.

YES, PRAISE GOD.

SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I'M NOT INTO RELIGION.

IT JUST SCREWS EVERYTHING UP.

ARE YOU SMOKING A JOINT?

NO.

IS IT RAINING? DID I JUST FEEL A DROP?

AND WHO ARE YOU?

OH, HEY, I'M TACO.

TACO, LIKE--

YEAH, LIKE THE TACO.

[TUNA] HEY, EVERYBODY. HEY, EVERYONE.

UH, THIS IS LING XIE.

LINDSAY.

LING XIE, RIGHT.

IT'S JUST LINDSAY. LINDSAY.

JUST LINDSAY?

YEAH.

THIS IS LINDSAY, EVERYONE.

HI, EVERYONE.

[AMY] WHY DID YOU BRING A CAMERA?

OH, I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

TO HAVE AN EXTRA PHOTOGRAPHER, YOU KNOW,

KIND OF LIKE HAVING AN EXTRA PAIR OF SHOES:

AN EXPENSIVE PAIR AND A CHEAP PAIR.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

UH, CAN WE GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD, GUYS?

CAN WE JUST--CAN WE START TO...

WE NEED BEAUTIFUL PICTURES HERE

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT REALLY GETTING WHAT WE NEED.

UH, SO JUST TAKE SOME PICTURES AROUND HERE.

IT WILL BE GREAT, IT WILL BE GREAT.

LOUIS, MY MAN!

HOW'S IT GOING?

PRAISE GOD. MY NAME'S LOUIS.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M TUNA.

TUNA, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE'VE MET. WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

WE MET A LONG TIME AGO. OH, OKAY.

WE TOOK THAT BEACH TRIP YEARS AGO. YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

I DON'T. I'M SORRY.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

YEAH, SURE.

I NOTICED SOMEONE OVER THERE SMOKING MARIJUANA.

YEAH. IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM?

NOT AT ALL. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY CRACK.

CRACK? YEAH.

CRACK COCAINE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, NO, WE DON'T, BUT WE COULD PROBABLY WHIP SOME UP.

I MEAN, IF POOR, UNEDUCATED PEOPLE CAN MAKE CRACK,

WE COULD WHIP UP A BATCH NO PROBLEM, SURE, WHY NOT?

YEAH.

YOU DON'T REALLY THINK WE HAVE TIME TO MAKE CRACK RIGHT NOW, DO WE?

TUNA!

YEAH.

COME HERE, MAN. LOUIS, LET'S GO.

YOU'RE JUST KIDDING ME ABOUT THAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO CRACK.

YOU'RE FUCKING AROUND, RIGHT?

WELL, IT DOES HELP CALM ME DOWN.

[AMY] I NEED YOU TO CALL ME BACK.

JUST CALL ME BACK, OKAY?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

OKAY, SO YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU BE HERE...

WHERE'S ALEX?

I THINK SHE NEEDED A MOMENT ALONE.

HERE. ANDREW.

ALEX!

ALEX!

ALEX, WE'VE GOT TO GO. COME ON!

**

LOUIS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ

FROM THE BIBLE, ARE YOU?

OH, IT'S NOT THE BIBLE. IT'S JUST A BOOK I'VE BEEN

READING ON THE SUBWAY. IT'S CALLED GHOSTS.

OH, YEAH, GHOSTS. I LIKE THAT BOOK.

OH, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT GHOSTS.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

GUYS. WE'RE JUST GOING TO DO THE...

OKAY. SO, WE'RE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE

IN FRONT OF GOD--

LEWIS.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SORRY. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT GOD.

NO, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT GOD.

OH, WE CAN'T 'CAUSE HE'S TELLING ME THAT I CAN'T.

IT'S OKAY. JUST TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE.

OKAY. SO, WE'VE BEEN BROUGHT TOGETHER,

TODAY, TO WITNESS RICHARD AND PHOEBE

PLEDGE THEIR LOVE TO EACH OTHER

IN THE SACRED UNION OF MARRIAGE.

I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT HERE

TO SHARE IN THIS UNION.

IT'S ALWAYS LIFE-AFFIRMING TO EXPERIENCE

THE LOVE OF TWO PEOPLE. IT MAKES YOU BELIEVE

IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN OURSELVES.

NOT GOD NECESSARILY, THOUGH I BELIEVE IN GOD.

GOD SAVED MY LIFE WHEN I WAS AT THE LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE.

WHEN I WAS ALONE, AND I HAD NO ONE TO TURN TO,

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM

AND SHOOT HEROIN ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT, LOUIS.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS A HEROIN ADDICT.

[LOUIS] I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT LOVE IS A POWERFUL THING,

AND IT WAS GOD'S LOVE THAT SAVED ME.

COULD YOU JUST, LIKE, NOT SAY ALL THIS STUFF?

JUST SAY THE GODDAMN BULLSHIT

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY AND DO IT.

ALEX, HE'S DOING THE BEST HE CAN.

FUCK YOU.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE HOW HONEST AND OPEN YOU'RE ALL BEING

WITH EACH OTHER, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TO POUR,

AND WE NEED TO GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY.

I AGREE WITH MY HUSBAND.

HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND YET.

[AMY] LISTEN, BITCH. YOU'D BETTER GET OUT OF MY WAY

BEFORE I KNOCK YOU BACK TO BEIJING.

I'M FROM CALIFORNIA, BITCH.

WOULD SOMEBODY JUST TELL THIS BITCH TO STAND OVER THERE?

UH, LING XIE, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST STAND OVER THERE,

SO THAT SHE CAN PRETEND TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER?

[RICHARD] OKAY, CAN WE MOVE ON NOW? ARE YOU DONE? TUNA?

YES, SIR. OKAY, GREAT.

UH, THANKS. LOUIS, YOU CAN CONTINUE.

OKAY, I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

WELL, THANKS. I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE,

AND I REALLY WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE?

I'VE NEVER MARRIED ANYONE BEFORE.

BUT ALEX SAID THAT YOU WERE A MINISTER.

NO, I DRIVE A SCHOOL BUS.

LOUIS, YOU SAID YOU WERE AN ORDAINED MINISTER,

OR DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THAT LIKE YOU LIED TO ME

ABOUT THE MONEY YOU WERE GOING TO PAY ME BACK?

I PAID YOU BACK.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

I SAID I PAID YOU BACK.

YOU DIDN'T PAY ME BACK SHIT, YOU FAT FUCK.

I DON'T THINK I'D FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

UM, YOU DID FORGET OUR BASE TRIP,

AND THAT WAS AN AWESOME TRIP.

OKAY, LOUIS, ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT AN ORDAINED MINISTER?

IT'S NOT HOW I MAKE MY LIVING, BUT YES, I'M ORDAINED.

DID YOU GO TO SEMINARY?

[LOUIS] NO, I GOT A CERTIFICATE ONLINE.

OKAY, THAT'S REAL? YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT?

YEAH. YOU CAN DO IT. IT'S REAL EASY.

I CAN SHOW YOU AFTER THE CEREMONY.

HE'S GOT THE PROPER PAPERWORK.

DON'T YOU HAVE THE PROPER PAPERWORK?

WHAT PAPERWORK WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE?

THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE, DICKHEAD.

NO, I'M SORRY. I DON'T HAVE THAT.

YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD!

ALEX, THAT IS REALLY UNCOOL.

GO BLOW UP A BUILDING, YOU JIHADIST PIECE OF SHIT.

OKAY, LISTEN, OKAY. WE HAVE THE CERTIFICATES

ALL RIGHT? WE'LL SIGN THEM. LOUIS WILL SIGN THEM, AND

WE'LL TAKE THEM DOWN TO CITY HALL AND HAVE THEM REGISTERED TOMORROW.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE LEGAL. ALL RIGHT, ALEX?

YEAH. LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH

SO I CAN GO HOME AND KILL MYSELF.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?

IT'S A MURDER-SUICIDE, AND I'M CAPPING YOU FIRST, YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER.

I DON'T THINK PEOPLE SHOULD JOKE ABOUT SUICIDE

ON A DAY THAT'S ALREADY SO GLUM.

I AGREE.

MY UNCLE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

IT WAS A HORRIBLE TIME.

DO YOU REMEMBER, ALEX?

YEAH. I FOUND THE BODY.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN. WASN'T HE, ALEX?

YEAH.

HE LOVED YOU A LOT.

DON'T BUTTER ME UP,

BUTTERBALL, JUST 'CAUSE YOU STOLE MY MONEY.

I DIDN'T STEAL IT.

YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ALEX. I AM A LOSER.

I'M JUST THANKFUL THAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE.

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD BE THANKFUL

FOR WHAT THEY HAVE IN LIFE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE PRETTIER THAN OTHER PEOPLE,

SOME PEOPLE ARE SMARTER,

SOME PEOPLE ARE THIN,

SOME PEOPLE ARE FAT LIKE ME,

SOME PEOPLE ARE RICH, SOME PEOPLE ARE POOR,

SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN SICK,

AND SOME PEOPLE LIVE TO BE 100.

WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT, BUT WE'RE ALL CONNECTED

IN A MIRACULOUS WAY, AND I THINK THIS CONNECTION

IS LOVE. I THINK THAT'S WHAT FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT.

DON'T YOU, ALEX?

STOP SINGLING ME OUT AND JUST FOCUS

ON THE HAPPY BULLSHIT FAGGOT COUPLE, OKAY?

PHOEBE, WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ALL ABOUT?

UM, FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT LOVE.

RICHARD, WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

LOVE, OF COURSE. ALL THE WAY.

TUNA--

COME ON! YOU'RE GOING TO ASK EVERYBODY HERE

WHAT LOVE IS? I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS?

THIS IS GAYER THAN AN EPISODE

OF SUCK MY DICK, I'M GAY, OKAY?

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!

IS THERE REALLY A TV SHOW CALLED SUCK MY DICK, I'M GAY?

I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH AN EPISODE OF THAT SHOW.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT KABUKI DUKI MEANS.

[PHOEBE] OKAY, GUYS, PLEASE.

CAN WE STOP THE RIDICULOUS FOR FIVE MINUTES?

FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT LOVE, OF COURSE, ABSOLUTELY,

BUT I THINK IT'S ALSO ABOUT-- REAL FRIENDSHIP,

IT'S ABOUT RIDICULE, 'CAUSE IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE,

YOU MAKE FUN OF THEM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

OH, UM, I THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT HONESTY.

THAT'S RIGHT. FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT HONESTY.

IT'S ALSO ABOUT TRUST.

THAT'S RIGHT, TRUST.

RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T TRUST THE ONE THAT YOU'RE WITH,

THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

LET ME JUST ADD THAT IF YOU TRUST SOMEONE,

THEN THERE'S NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS,

WHICH WILL LEAD TO SOMEBODY CHEATING, SO.

YEAH. YOU WITH THE CAMERA.

WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

OH. YEAH, FRIENDSHIP'S ABOUT LOVE AND HONESTY

AND ALL THAT SHIT.

HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

HUMANITY. CHRIST.

CHRIST COULD BE YOUR FRIEND.

NO. I MEAN CHRIST, LIKE JESUS.

JESUS CAN BE YOUR FRIEND, TOO.

NO, NO, NO. I MEAN, FUCK, LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

HERE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HUMANITY AGAIN.

RUSSELL! KRISTIN!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

THAT'S EASY. IT'S ABOUT TOLERANCE.

OH, PLEASE.

YOU MIGHT BE THE MOST INTOLERANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M TALKING MORE ABOUT RELIGION HERE.

I MEAN, I KNOW I MAY BE A CONSERVATIVE FUCK,

BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT ORGANIZED RELIGION IS BAD FOR BUSINESS.

OKAY, WE'VE GOT IT. FRIENDSHIP IS TOLERANCE.

THANK YOU, RUSSELL.

[RUSSELL] SAME.

[TUNA] YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING SOMETHING BUT REALLY NOTHING.

YOU...

YEAH.

I'M REALLY SORRY I WAS RUDE TO YOU EARLIER.

OH, I HADN'T NOTICED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

UH, FRIENDSHIP'S ABOUT LOVE.

I CAN-- I CAN ACCEPT THAT.

UH, LOVE IS A VERY-- IT'S A POWERFUL THING.

IT'S--IT'S ALMOST UNSTOPPABLE, YOU KNOW.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU ADOPT A CHILD,

AND THERE ARE ALL THESE BOUNDARIES IN PLACE,

AND THEN LOVE IS JUST SOMETHING

THAT JUST GETS MIXED, AND BOUNDARIES DISAPPEAR.

[RICHARD] WHO ARE YOU?

I'M TACO.

TACO?

I WAS YOUR ROOMMATE IN COLLEGE.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY.

[PHOEBE] UM, YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

WELL, THERE'S THIS AMAZING CHINESE PROVERB ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

THAT ALWAYS GIVES ME CHILLS. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT IS IT?

I'M JUST KIDDING. I DON'T KNOW ANY CHINESE PROVERBS...

BUT MY UNCLE USED TO SAY

THAT FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE A PILE OF BURNING FEATHERS

FLOATING IN A BARGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I HAVE NO IDEA. HE'S IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

DEEDEE?

PHOEBE?

FRIENDSHIP?

BLOWJOBS.

UH, ALEX, PHOEBE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

ALEX, PLEASE.

FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT REPAYING YOUR DEBTS.

THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS I'M NOT PROUD OF.

I'VE STOLEN CARS, BROKEN INTO HOMES,

GIVEN SPIT BOMB HAND JOBS FOR CRACK.

SPIT BOMB HAND JOBS?

YEAH, IT'S WHERE YOU SPIT IN YOUR PALM, AND YOU--

OH, YEAH, GIVE A HAND JOB, YEAH. I'VE DONE THAT.

I KNOW I'VE DONE UNFORGIVABLE THINGS.

MY REAL FRIENDS HAVE FORGIVEN ME,

AND THAT'S WHAT FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT, REALLY, AFTER ALL:

FORGIVENESS.

WHEN YOU FORGIVE, YOU BRING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD.

I CAN TELL THAT, IN THE BRIEF TIME

THAT I'VE KNOWN PHOEBE AND RICHARD,

THAT THEY HAVE A TRUE BOND,

ONE THAT'S GOING TO LAST A LONG TIME, I THINK;

BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT SOME LOVES

AREN'T MEANT TO LAST, WHICH BRINGS ME

TO THE RELATIONSHIP OF ALEX AND DANIEL.

[ALEX] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TODAY THE TWO LOVERS DECIDED TO PART WAYS

AND PURSUE OTHER INTERESTS.

BE QUIET, LOUIS.

I KNOW IT'S A DARK TIME FOR ALEX AT THIS MOMENT.

IT'S ACTUALLY AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY FOR HER

TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.

I SAID SHUT UP, LOUIS!

JUST HEAR ME OUT, ALEX. I WAS AT THE LOWEST POINT

IN MY LIFE WHEN GOD REVEALED HIMSELF TO ME.

I THINK NOW IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR GOD TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO YOU.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

I DON'T NEED GOD TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? I NEED MY $8,000 BACK!

THE $8,000 THAT YOU BORROWED FROM ME, YOU FUCKING SHIT!

[SHOUTING]

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY!

[ALEX SOBBING]

[LOUIS] I'M SORRY.

[ALEX] ARE YOU OKAY?

RICHARD, IT'S ONLY FUCKING RAINING.

[LOUIS] I STILL THINK I PAID YOU BACK.

[ALEX] NO, YOU DIDN'T.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

WE'VE GOT TO-- IT'S RAINING!

**

OH, MY GOD. THESE ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE.

NO, YOURS ARE REALLY GOOD, TOO.

I SAW ONE THAT I REALLY LIKED.

I LOVE THIS ONE.

WHICH ONE? THIS ONE.

OH, YEAH. I WAS TRYING TO REFERENCE ANSEL ADAMS.

WHO'S ANSEL ADAMS?

HE'S A--

WHOA, I DON'T THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS.

OH, NO, IT'S OKAY. HERE.

IS THAT TUNA NAKED?

YEAH.

ARE YOU GUYS DATING OR SOMETHING?

NO, WE JUST MET LAST NIGHT.

DO YOU LIKE HIM?

HE HAS TOO MUCH PLAQUE ON HIS TEETH.

JESUS, SOME OF THESE ARE PRETTY GRAPHIC.

YEAH.

IS THAT A CLOSE-UP OF TUNA'S DICK?

YEAH. I'M A BIG FAN OF ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE.

DID HE KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

NO. THE FIRST SERIES I'M DOING CALLED WASTELAND,

YEAH, I, UM, I PICK UP DRUNK GUYS

AND TAKE PICTURES OF THEM NAKED WHEN THEY'RE PASSED OUT.

OKAY, SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT--

I MEAN, ALEX LOOKS REALLY MISERABLE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LIKE THIS BEFORE.

SHE IS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME. SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.

WELL, DO YOU WANT TO GO CHECK ON HER?

AH, SHE'S A TOUGHIE.

OKAY, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ALEX.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE WEDDING?

WE CAN'T GET MARRIED IN THE RAIN, RIGHT?

THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME FOR THIS, ALEX.

IT'S BEEN REALLY MEANINGFUL.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

I'M REALLY SORRY

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BACK THERE.

I WAS REALLY OUT OF LINE.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE.

NO, I JUST--I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT,

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ALL THOSE THINGS.

YOU WERE RIGHT TO BRING UP THE MONEY.

YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN YOU SAID THAT FRIENDSHIP'S

ABOUT PAYING BACK DEBTS,

AND I'M GOING TO PAY YOU BACK. I AM.

I DON'T WANT THE MONEY BACK.

I WANT TO PAY YOU BACK.

LET ME AT LEAST SEE 'EM.

WOW. OKAY, I GOT MY MONEY'S WORTH.

I CAN SMILE AGAIN.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO SMILE.

EVEN IF YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME,

IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, LOUIS.

YUP. PEOPLE DON'T SMILE ENOUGH.

YOU THINK YOU COULD LOAN ME SOME MONEY FOR THE SUBWAY?

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING?

I THINK WE COULD DO IT RIGHT OVER THERE. IT'S DRY.

I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT.

WERE YOU?

YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE?

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL HERE.

AW.

THAT'S WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

I FEEL SICK.

PHOEBE, DO YOU TAKE RICHARD TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE HIM THE BEST THAT YOU CAN

UNTIL THE DAY THAT YOU DIE?

I DO.

AND RICHARD, DO YOU TAKE PHOEBE TO BE YOUR WIFE?

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE HER THE BEST THAT YOU CAN

UNTIL THE DAY THAT YOU DIE?

I DO.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER?

NO. THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

[LAUGHING]

THEN IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS

IN THIS BEAUTIFUL GAZEBO, IN THIS BEAUTIFUL PARK,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW KISS EACH OTHER.

[CHEERING]

WHAT IF I CAN'T HAVE KIDS?

THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

WE'LL JUST ADOPT KIDS, ADOPT A TON OF KIDS.

I'M COOL WITH THAT.

A TON. A TON.

HOW MANY BABIES DO YOU WANT?

A TON, A THOUSAND TONS OF CHILDREN

WITH YOU. I DON'T CARE.

YEAH, AS MANY AS YOU WANT,

AS LONG AS WE'RE JUST A BIG, HAPPY FAMILY,

WHICH WE WILL BE 'CAUSE YOU'LL BE A GREAT MOM.

WOULD YOU-- YOU WANT--

YOU WANT TO HAVE CHINESE BABIES, DON'T YOU?

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE INSANE.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

NO, YOU HAVE AN ASIAN FETISH.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHINESE FOOD.

THAT DOESN'T-- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

AND MY FAVORITE MOVIE REALLY IS SNOOPY COME HOME.

I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU.

REALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO HAVE KIDS

BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY SURROUNDED BY CHILDREN.

I KNOW. LOOK AT THESE CLOWNS.

AREN'T WE GREAT?

THEY'RE RETARDED.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE. I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT WORSE.

I WAS BEATEN UP AND SODOMIZED ONCE.

YOU WHAT? LOUIS THAT'S HORRIBLE.

MM, I KIND OF DESERVED IT.

IT REALLY WASN'T THAT BAD

ONCE I GOT INTO THE GROOVE. IT'S ALL HOW YOU ROCK YOUR HIPS.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I JUST KIND OF LET GO, AND I OPENED UP,

AND I KIND OF WENT WITH IT.

IT ACTUALLY FELT PRETTY GOOD, ONCE I GOT USED TO IT.

I MEANT, WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET SODOMIZED IN THE FIRST PLACE?

OH, OH. I STOLE MONEY FROM THE WRONG GUYS.

OH, GOD.

YEAH. DON'T DO DRUGS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY METHADONE?

YOU AND THE TURK AREN'T AN ITEM, ARE YOU?

WHO, TUNA? NO.

I DON'T DATE ANYONE SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.

I'M REALLY INTO MY ART.

YOU'RE JUST A SPECIAL LITTLE GIRL, AREN'T YOU?

YOUNG, RIPE...

WET AS HELL. OH, JESUS, I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

THAT'S ME: YOUNG, RIPE AND WET.

YOU KNOW I'M LOADED.

NO, DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

COOL.

YOU LIVE IN THIS BUILDING?

I OWN THIS BUILDING.

REALLY?

[LAUGHING] YEAH.

NONE OF MY FRIENDS KNOW

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THEM JEALOUS.

[LAUGHING]

DO YOU WANT TO STAY HERE TONIGHT?

YOU LOOK PRETTY DRUNK.

I'M FUCKING WASTED.

OKAY.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH COMMITMENT, TUNA.

I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF THAT,

BUT YOU KNOW, I'M IN THE CITY NOW,

AND IT MIGHT BE NICE

TO AT LEAST HANG OUT, OR SOMETHING.

WE SHOULD DEFINITELY HANG OUT, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TAKE IT TOO FAR

BECAUSE WE HAD A GOOD TIME IN THE PAST,

BUT YOU KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

YOU KNOW WHY.

NO. WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY? YOU'RE A JEALOUS,

JEALOUS PERSON. YOU'RE A VERY JEALOUS PERSON.

I'M, UH--I WASN'T THAT JEALOUS.

YEAH, AND IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE ON YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE OBJECTIVELY BEAUTIFUL,

BUT WHEN YOU'RE JEALOUS, IT'S, IT'S--

IT'S AN UGLY FEATURE, AND IT'S AN UGLY FEATURE

ON ANYBODY. I MEAN, WHAT DOES JEALOUSY REALLY--

YOU FUCKING CHEATED ON ME, TUNA.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT AT ALL?

YEAH, I DO, BUT YOU BEING SO JEALOUS IS WHAT LED ME TO BE

CHEATING ON YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHATEVER.

AND IT'S TRUE. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,

WE WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE TOGETHER--

WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD ME.

I MEAN, DID YOU THINK I WAS SAYING WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER?

'CAUSE I JUST MEANT, LIKE, LET'S HANG OUT AS FRIENDS.

UH, NO, I DON'T THINK WE--

YOU MEANT WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER

BECAUSE IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SAY I'M JEALOUS,

BUT YOU'RE WORSE 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

LIKE, I MEAN, I WOULD NEVER SERIOUSLY DATE YOU AGAIN.

GUYS, I'M LEAVING. I'M LEAVING.

NO, DON'T GO!

I LOVE YOU, MAN. CONGRATULATIONS. I'VE GOT TO GO.

**

THERE ARE 10 THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THE WEDDING,

AND ONE OF THEM IS YOU.

[LAUGHING]

LIFE OF THE PARTY. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

YOU BE SAFE. SAFE HOME, OKAY?

BYE, MAN.

BY, COUSIN. DEEDEE'S GOING TO GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.

OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, HOLD ON. I'M GOING TO WALK YOU OUT, OKAY?

OKAY.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND. HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

OH! WHAT THE FUCK!

HA, I LOVE YOU!