Original subtitles

2

For every action...

There is an equal, and opposite, reaction.

North Pole

EL MONSTRUO ALADO

Radar, designed to defend us against attack.

Radar stations on Mountain tops...

In deserts, deep in untracked forests.

In a thousand, secret and isolated places.

Over both oceans there are radar equipped picket planes.

In both oceans, manmade radar islands to guard our flanks.

There are the inshore pickets, and several hundred miles beyond them are the off shore pickets.

Another radar fence stretches across the long unfortified border between the United States and Canada.

A pine tree radar fence.

And beyond that...

Still another network of electronic eyes.

The Mid Canada Radar Fence.

Even farther north, in the very shadow of the North pole this fence...

the Distant Early Warning System known as the DEW line.

Ready to transmit the first warning signal of a sneak attack across the polar region.

To build the DEW line an armada of ships was assembled...

... in the largest, and most secretly planned operation since the Normandy Invasion.

Grinding through treacherous polar ice fields in a desperate gamble against time and weather

To land a mountain of supplies, machines,

tractors, and men upon the ice.

First things first,

level landing strips for heavy cargo planes,

then shelters for the men, for the planes, and for operations.

... and while some hands are busying laying long pipelines to transport fuel, others build tanks to store it.

The work continues, day and night, around the clock,

7 days a week.

At long last, the ships are gone, the summer is gone,

but the job is finished.

Red Eagle One, centennial of the Arctic,

nerve center of the DEW line,

is operational.

Colonel Parkman arriving, dispatch jeep.

Colonel Parkman? Glad to have you with us.

Across the roof of the continent...

... still farther north,

an outpost of the DEW line.

Hey Mike, Hey Mike, get a look at this.

I don't see anything.

Hey wait a minute...

Listen!

It's almost on top of us!

This is Kane, picket 7327 calling Red Eagle One...

... come in Red Eagle One.

This is Kane, picket 7327 calling Red Eagle One...

Come in Red Eagle One.

Hello 7327 this is Red Eagle One, I read you, over.

Put the old man on the horn would you Pete?

... right, roger.

I've got Lieutenant Kane Sir.

Colonel Parkman, Walter? What's up!

We're over Weather 4 sir,

The building has been damaged. Looks like the roof's caved in.

If there's anyone inside they could be hurt, or worse.

I tried to contact them, but there was no answer, over.

We�ll get right on it! Over and out.

When did Weather 4 report in last?

At uh, zero eight hundred, sir, right on the button.

See if you can contact them again. alright.

Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, come in Weather 4.

No answer, sir.

Keep trying.

Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, come in Weather 4.

Operations, Colonel Parkman here,

get my plane ready... (Red Eagle One Calling Weather 4...) ... oh and uh, alert Lt. Pizar.

Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, Red Eagle One calling Weather 4, come in Weather 4.

Two men don't just vanish!

These did.

I don't get it.

Everything was under control when they checked in at zero eight hundred.

Nothing unusual has been reported since then. No storms...

It wasn't a gale that wrecked this shack.

The sides are caved out as though something crashed into the roof.

Well, if it was a plane that hit it...

Maybe, there's a very ordinary explanation for what happened.

Maybe the men are on the way back to base right now.

On foot?

They would leave footprints in the snow. Do you see any?

Take a look here!

What do you got?

I don't know!

A plane? No plane never made that short a run.

A helicopter? No, a helicopter couldn't make a burrow like this.

If there is an ordinary explanation of what happened, then...

I wouldn't take any bets.

So, the only recent contact you had with the weather shack was when the helicopter dropped ...

... supplies there five days ago?

Yes sir.

You checked Weather 1? Yes sir. Yes sir.

You checked Weather 1? Yes sir.

Weather 4 made contact with them at zero eight one three.

Everything was Jake!

I'm picking up something Colonel, but it doesn't make sense.

I never saw a blip like that before.

It's there, then it's gone!

Hey, there it is again. What do you make of it.

I'm not taking any chances. Sound the red alert!

Vector 360 climb to Angels 3, bogey 90 miles.

Red leader to Control. Nothing here. Give us a new Vector.

Bogey has disappeared, Return to home plate.

Jerry!

Sugar Fly to Red Eagle One...

Come in Red Eagle One.

Sugar Fly to Red Eagle One.

Come in Red Eagle One.

Hello Sugar Fly, this is Red Eagle One, go ahead.

Red Eagle One, we're over the wreckage of the C47.

They found it Colonel!

Get his position. Yes sir.

Alert Lieutenant Pizar. Yes sir.

Colonel!

Looks just like the weather shack.

Yeah.

Where are they? Where are the bodies?

Easy. Where are they? Where are the bodies?

Easy.

Look out!

What in the world is...

What is it?

I don't know.

Looks like it had been broken off of something.

That point's as sharp as a needle.

I give up. You got me.

Well where do we go from here?

We'll have to let CONAD worry about that.

This is CONAD.

The Continental Air Defense Command, at Colorado Springs.

The focal point of the super sonic shield that guards the North American Continent.

A shield that could mean the difference between life and death...

... for millions of Americans.

These are Hot phones!

Using them it takes only 15 seconds, to talk to Alaska,

10 seconds to alert Newfoundland,

5 seconds to contact you!

3 seconds to reach the Pentagon Command Post.

General Ford Speaking...

Yes.

I see.

Good, I'll take a plane right out.

The Arctic command has delivered the package.

Good afternoon gentlemen.

I'm General Ford. Oh No, no, Please, sit down.

Gentlemen...

I realize that the Air Force hasn't given you much time in which to make your tests..

... and a definitive job may have been out of the question in the short time you've had,

but the Department of Defense hopes that...

... during these two days of concentrated efforts, you've come to some conclusion...

... about this. ... during these two days of concentrated efforts, you've come to some conclusion...

... about this.

Professor Gunther I believe you are in charge.

All of us are agreed to accept one thing...

... this appendage comes from some living creature.

... but as to what creature, it was once a part of, we...

... we are completely in the dark.

Our mathamist, Dr. Arnold Burton, has been unable to identify this object.

Professor Harvy Pierce is certain from his exploration...

... that the "hook", cannot belong to the neurological system.

Well you seem to know more about what it isn't than what it is.

That is correct, sir.

Gentlemen let's be logical.

Now you tell me that this, "hook"...

... comes from something that's alive. alright.

But it wasn't a part of the cargo...

... and it wasn't in the plane when it took off,

so it must have come aboard, after the crash. Right?

That sounds logical...

Now what was it that came aboard?

It shouldn't be so difficult. You know the animal life of the Arctic.

We have asked ourselves that, General.

You�re not suggesting that it comes from some creature...

... at present, unknown?

It's a possibility we suggest you investigate, sir.

How?

We recommend that you ask Dr. Nedrick Jackson of...

... the museum of Natural History here in Washington, to look into this.

He's their chief Paleontologist and the countries leading authority on the Ali gasi and Carnivori

You've lost me professor.

He deals with life of past geological periods...

as shown by the fossil remains of, plants and animals.

He has been able to re-construct prehistoric creatures with, no more to start with then...

... a hand full of bones.

"Departamento de Paleontolog�a" Dr. Jackson. Curator.

Hi Marge. Hi.

What have you got there?

A kid in my junior science group made it.

Even added an extra vertebrae as though it doesn't have enough already.

Here, want to count them?

Listen, if I'm ever to get next months issue of the magazine out...

... we better start working.

I've got a feature.

Life parades through the ages.

Showing the progression of prehistoric creatures...

... from the jelly fish, to the dinosaur, to primitive man.

Sounds alright.

... and I'm going to include the pictures we took on your last field trip. Sounds alright.

... and I'm going to include the pictures we took on your last field trip.

That's even better.

Oh, excuse me.

Jackson talking.

The Pentagon? Sure I'll wait.

What do you know maybe they want to call me back in the service.

This is Dr. Jackson.

General Ford?

Yes.

Yes.

I see General.

Of course sir I'll be right over.

Everything alright?

... course.

It isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.

You're very nosy. Okay be mysterious.

Well if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?

Hope to die!

They found an old bone up at the North Pole.

The Pentagon wants to know, to whom it belongs.

It doesn't look like bone.

More like gristle or cartilage.

A structure as large as this would have to serve a very specialized purpose in order to be cartelized.

Have you any idea what it comes from?

No, not the faintest.

If it were bone we could start from that.

What it does tell me however, is that it can't be from an animal.

Because every known species of animal has a bony skeleton. What it does tell me however, is that it can't be from an animal.

Because every known species of animal has a bony skeleton.

As a matter of fact the reptile structure is bony...

... and gentlemen, even birds have bony skeletons.

Looks like we're getting nowhere fast.

On the contrary we're making considerable progress.

At least we know what it can't be, which is bound to lead us to what it is.

Well then is there anything that doesn't have a bony skeleton?

Lots of things: worms, snails, insects, shell fish.

Some invertebrates where there skeletons on the outside,

well it an outer shell called an exoskeleton which is hard and rigid enough to protect the internal organs.

Insects have thin flexible places within their heads and bodies which...

... allows them freedom of movement.

Then they have folds where the muscles are attached.

It's a possibility.

An Insect?

That's where the process of elimination seems to lead us.

Of course if it is an insect it certainly doesn't tell us what kind it is.

Well find that out partly from what we know, but...

... mostly from what deduce.

Doc you're beginning to sound like Sherlock Holmes.

Sort of. Doc you're beginning to sound like Sherlock Holmes.

Sort of.

Professor Gunther, the fluid from the end of the hook...

You had it analyzed? Well we, did what we could in the time we had.

Of course you didn't know exactly what you were looking for.

Precisely.

Well I'm not too much of an entomologist, but I do seem to remember...

With very few exceptions the blood of insects...

... contains no red corpuscles.

Now that we suspect this hook may have come from an insect...

Would you test the fluid for me and let me know what you get?

Be glad to. Thanks.

Well General, that's about it.

Professor Gunther will make his test and...

We'll see what we can dream up.

Do you think we'll get somewhere?

We'll do our best.

"POLAR TRAGEDY REVEALED" "Air Force Discloses Mystery Accident and Disappearance

So that's what they wanted to see you about.

Don't you play games with me Ned Jackson.

I'm sorry.

There's an old saying that you can't keep anything from the press...

... and even if I'm only running a museum mag,

... I haven't lost my nose for news.

That is what it's about.

Maybe... I know it is!

Maybe not! Well it's a plain at the nose on your face!

Look.

The Pentagon has never consulted you before.

The papers say they have a mystery on their hands.

One and one still make two, so it follows that they must need information in your field.

Oh Ned, give me a break.

You don't know what it would mean if I could run a story about something that took place in this century!

Well I...

They didn't say it was restricted. You see?

alright it's, it's like the paper says.

There have been crashes and disappearances.

But the real story is, what they found at the last crash.

It's, well it's about 5 feet long.

It's modeled green in color.

Probably broken off the body some place.

What are you talking about.

It's part of something alive.

Something that must incredibly, unbelievably huge.

I think it's from an insect.

An Insect?

Here.

Doesn't look very fearsome reduced in size like that does it?

No, no it doesn't.

It looks like the spur on the leg of a grasshopper or a cricket.

Grasshoppers and crickets aren't meat eaters...

... and at least 5 men have disappeared.

If that is part of an insect...

It's from the biggest creature that ever lived.

Are you sure you are feeling alright?

there were long skid marks in the snow...

... as... as though the thing flew in for a landing.

Jackson talking.

Oh hello Professor Gunther. You have.

I see sir, thank you.

Well they just finished the blood tests.

There were no red corpuscles.

It's from an Insect.

... and the ant inside this amber is at least 90 million years old.

Now we've been able to learn from pieces of amber like this...

That certain ancient insect forms have continued without variation until today.

That others have changed to meet changing conditions...

... and certain species have vanished completely.

I just can't believe that an insect as large as you suggest ever existed.

Look behind you on the wall professor.

That prehistoric dragonfly measures 2 feet from wing tip to wing tip.

... and like the modern dragonfly, it too was a flesh eater.

alright, it's big, but it's only 2 feet.

Is that the best you can do?

I never suggested I was looking for a dragonfly.

So what are you looking for?

To be honest with you I'm, not exactly sure.

You're a pathologist Professor Gunther.

The field of pathology is limited.

But the paleontologist field is narrow to what we understand.

On the contrary we stretch our understanding to, try and take in the universe.

alright, suppose, just for the sake of argument...

... that we admit such an insect once existed.

How could it be alive today?

Exactly! Even the recently discovered prehistoric Siberian mammals were dead.

The natives ate the flesh,

used the skin for clothing,

made tools from the ivory tusks.

But the mammoths were dead.

Are you sure they were dead?

Why? Everyone knows they were.

Everyone says they were.

Suppose the Siberians hadn't been in such a hurry to slice them up for steaks.

Suppose they were still alive when found in the ice.

Does your learned young friend always go on like this?

alright professor,

You know as well as I do that if a living organism is frozen quickly enough...

... it's theoretically possible to stop the living protoplasm from changing their geometrical pattern.

Which always happens when death occurs.

Theoretically yes.

Is it unreasonable then to ask yourself...

Whether the mammoths might have remained alive all those years,

... and it was the Siberians who killed them before they had a chance to thaw out and breathe again!

You... you believe this?

Well I don't disbelieve it!

And I'll go along with it until someone comes up with a better theory.

Look, five men have vanished.

To die is one thing. To disappear without a trace suggests...

complete destruction!

A flesh eating creature! But there are scores of insects that live on other insects.

Where do you start?

By thinking of the hook...

... as though it were infinitely smaller.

As though it were part of an insect no larger than those we know today.

Like oh, the grasshopper, the beetle, or the cricket,

then ask yourself...

What flesh eating insect of normal size, has such a hook?

Ned, you're making a lot of assumptions.

Every paleontologist does.

Look, you start with a jaw bone, a couple of teeth, you figure whether they come from a flesh or a grass eater and you go from there!

A normal insect, that is a flesh eater.

I've narrowed the field to one!

The diet consist mostly of small insects such as leafhoppers, grasshoppers, caterpillars and others.

A substantial part of the diet may also include small frogs and lizards.

The female is larger than the male and invariably destroys her mate when he's fulfilled his function in life.

Now the hook they found on the plane...

... may very well be a spur from one of its forelegs.

If this is it, as large as a monstrous creature we looking for...

... I doubt whether anything that ever lived could be as deadly.

It's strong beyond anything it's size suggests.

It walks, leaps, and flies.

It's appetite is insatiable.

You mean, this cute little bug?

Yeah, that cute little bug.

In all the kingdom of the living...

... there is no more deadly or voracious creature.

... than the Preying Mantis.

GREENLAND ESKIMOS TERRORIZED

Anything new on the disaster, General?

Nothing else gentlemen.

Hey, uh, you're Dr. Jackson of the Museum of Natural History, aren't you?

That's right. Well what have you been called in for?

Dr. Jackson is an old friend of mine. That's not answering his question, General.

You're a Paleontologist isn't this out of your line?

Have you any theories Dr. Jackson?

Gentlemen, if you were in my position and...

... what you had was a theory, not facts, just a theory,

I'm sure you'd withhold it to avoid any speculation that might prove disastrous.

I'm sure you realize this...

... and that you'll co-operate with us to avoid panic, or hysteria.

I know I can count on all of you.

Well, Good luck to you Ned.

Thanks, I'll do my best.

Hi! Almost ready?

If can close this.

I'm told the Air Force doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Oh I'm coming. Here, make yourself useful.

Nice of you to see me off.

I think so.

You know, the Arctic is about the only place where I haven't worked in.

Are those mine too?

No Doctor, they're mine. Oh...

Yours?

Well you couldn't go alone without your photographer, could you?

My what?

Well I phoned General Ford's office and requested permission for you to take your photographer along.

I guess he forgot to tell you.

Boy this is really going to be a story.

You'll do almost anything for a story wouldn't you?

Almost.

Well come on!

Colonel. Colonel, sir.

Uh, Dr. Jackson is here from ah, Washington. He's got a...

I mean there's a, there's a...

We... Well speak up!

He's with a woman.

A female woman.

I thought they'd stopped making them.

Then show them in.

Yes sir.

I'm Ned Jackson Colonel, I'm sure that Washington...

Excuse me, this is Miss Marjorie Blain; Colonel Joe Parkman.

El General Ford sent me up.

I'm magazine editor for the Museum of Natural History.

How do you do? How do you do?

Uh, that will be all men.

It looks like you don't have too many women up here Colonel.

Ah we have a little joke up here...

The boys say there's a girl behind every tree.

Only try and find a tree.

Well when do we see what we came for.

I'll have a plane any time you're ready.

I'm ready. Fine.

These are the skid marks.

At least what's left of them.

We found the same marks at the weather shack, and the Eskimo village.

Here Colonel.

Got it?

Eight and a half feet.

Let's get back to the plane.

At ease.

Gentlemen, this is Marjorie Blaine.

I thought you wouldn't mind too much if she had a look around your recreation room.

Aw she's like a butterfly.

Light and crosses absolutely boss.

Yes Corporal?

Well, ah, with your permission sir...

Would it be alright if... would it be alright if...

... I asked Miss Blaine to dance, sir?

Corporal that decision is entirely up to Miss Blaine.

Yes sir.

Miss Blaine would you care to...

Well, what I mean is... while I'm not...

... yes Corporal I'd love to.

Oh hi. Hi. Hi Ned.

Thought you were going to join us.

Ah I've been busy. You two run along, have fun.

What are you up to?

I�m trying to find out how big this thing is.

You know, people used to think that carnivorous plants were the funk.

Actually there are about 450 species of them.

Some are almost 6 feet tall.

I'm convinced that we're dealing with a Mantis and...

... whose geological world the smallest insects were as large as man.

And, the failing to find those insects for its food, it's...

Well it's, doing the best it can.

If there is such a thing why hasn't anybody seen it?

Well those who have are dead!

Ah, who can be sure? It may have been locked in a prison of ice millions of years ago.

Well what could have released it after all that time?

Oh, any sort of unusual vibration,

You know how, mountain climbers are afraid of thunder?

Well, it's because the sound of the vibration may start an avalanche.

Hit the alert button! Yes sir!

Operations! Colonel Parkman speaking...

Condition Red! Scramble all aircraft immediately! Condition Red!

Coffee Colonel?

Nine hours and not a whisper.

Which is alright with me.

Red Eagle One, this is Otter 4

Hello Otter 4, this is Red Eagle One, go ahead.

We have nothing here. Request permission to return to base. Over.

Request denied, continue search procedure. Over and out.

The only thing to do is to keep the patrols out straight around the clock until we're sure.

And remember I want a report on anything from Mid Canada, or Pine tree. Anything. You understand?

Yes sir.

Got the Mid Canada Radar Fence on the line sir.

This is Colonel Parkman.

Oh Colonel, Blue Captain Hawkins, here.

This is just a stab in the dark...

...but you chaps asked us to report anything unusual and...

yes...

As I said, it may not mean a thing,

but we caught an unidentified object in our scope.

Could have been a storm or a weather balloon.

It was a faint signal that came a West.

But it might be that oversized bug of yours?

What time was it?

Early. Zero four hundred I suspect.

Thanks Hawkins. Thanks very much.

Zero four hundred, that's almost six hours after he left here.

Now it's 1500 miles to the Mid Canada line.

Oh that's no good he'd have to be doing better than 200 miles an hour.

Why not Joe? We're dealing with an insect.

The deer fly does 600 an hour!

Well that's almost as fast as a jet!

The Mid Canada line is 1500 miles South of here, right?

Right.

And, where was that Weather shack 4?

Right there, straight on the eightieth meridian.

And the, and the C47 crash was here.

That's right, due South of the Weather shack.

What are you getting at Ned?

And the Eskimo village? Right there, between us and the C47.

Hey wait a minute.

He's been going straight South!

And he'll keep going South till he reaches the tropics...

... where he'll find the same kind of climate and jungle vegetation from which he came originally.

Now let's see he'll probably pass over...

... Labrador, Nova Scotia, then he'll hit the Gulf Stream.

And I'm sure the warm air above the Gulf Stream will attract him and he'll follow it all the way down to South America.

I've got CONAD on the hot line Colonel.

They say it's important. Thanks.

This is Colonel Parkman.

Are you sure?

Thanks.

Pine Tree got it too. It went through Newfoundland.

Well it looks like we're on our way to Washington.

Come on Marge. Grab your toothbrush.

"MANTIS REPORTED AT BANGOR" "AIR FORCE ALERTED!"

"CURFEW ORDERED IN NEW ORLEANS!" "Fear of Mantis Mounting"

"CONGRESSMAN CALLS MANTIS HOAX" "DEMANDS INVESTIGATION"

All over the United States this morning...

Some 400,000 members, of the civilian ground observer corp...

... are gathered to learn more about this fantastic creature.

This program is being presented by the Continental Air Defense Command.

Our first speaker is Major General Mark Ford.

- General Ford. Thank you.

I want to say at the outset...

That contrary to rumor, and certain newspaper headlines,

the so called deadly Mantis is no imaginary scare.

It's a very real and, present danger.

With me this morning is Colonel Parkman.

Commanding officer of an advanced radar interceptor base deep in the Arctic Circle.

Colonel Parkman.

Thank you sir.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

I saw this creature attack our base.

I visited the weather shack, and I also inspected the wreckage of the aircraft that this thing destroyed.

Now we have every reason to believe that the Mantis is flying South...

Along the Gulf Stream.

And we believe that it will be one you devoted men and women...

... of the Civilian Ground Observer Corp...

... who will spot it next time it appears.

I have with me today Dr. Nedrick Jackson...

Curator of the department of Paleontology at the Museum of Natural History.

Dr. Jackson has something important to show you.

Doctor.

Gentlemen.

Thank you.

This object, is a spur broken off the fore leg of the Mantis when it destroyed the C47.

Now the spur of a normal size Mantis is so small it's difficult to measure.

This spur, as you can see, is nearly 5 feet long...

... which will give you some idea as to the creature's size.

Thank you, doctor.

Now you ground observers are well trained in the identification of aircraft.

Here, to scale, is the deadly Mantis,

and here, is the C47, which it destroyed.

One other thing.

You spotters should listen for a loud droning sound, much like that of a squadron of heavy bombers flying in formation.

Now the Coast Guard and the Navy have been alerted and are standing by...

On the Eastern seaboard.

If the Mantis is sited the procedure will be the same as though...

...an enemy aircraft had been spotted.

Take no chances. Report any unusual flying objects.

Thank you.

Target is down! Target is down!

Cannot confirm kill, due to low overcast.

Returning to Carrier. Out.

Well, here comes another one.

Granary fire in Minneapolis.

Minneapolis not a stir.

There's some power lines down near Richmond.

Richmond Virginia? Yeah.

There's some birds flying in Fresno. Fresno, Fresno...

Oh, I'm so tired.

Where is Fresno?

California?

Fresno, California.

Hi. Hi Marge.

Hello. Ned. Hey, what are you up to?

Well, it's kind of a private deal.

We call it operation Marge because she dreamed it up. Oh?

We're charting every unusual occurrence in the country.

Some may have been caused by the Mantis. This might give us a clue.

Any luck? Well they're too scattered to mean anything yet.

You kids know what time it is. It's after midnight.

Now you're dismissed, both of you.... But General I have the...

No "buts" about it. You heard what the General said.

Your going straight home young lady.

And I'm the guy whose taking you.

Night Ned. Goodnight Marge.

to bring you a news flash >

of Laurel, Maryland, on U.S. highway one. >

in what appears to have been a freak accident. >

as they come in. >

It's only a few miles from here.

We'll have a look.

Sorry Colonel, been a train wreck. You'll have to back to Warrington road.

Take the detour to your left, to Laurel.

Pretty bad? Could have been a lot worse.

How'd it happen?

Probably couldn't see the warning in the fog.

Can't tell for sure. The Engineer is still unconscious.

Joe do you think it might...

No.

It's just an accident.

Come on. Let�s go.

Gracias.

The light just turned green.

It's too dangerous to drive in fog like this.

Remember what happened to that train back there.

M-m-m, this is more dangerous.

We better get going.

Oh, you forgot your package lady! thank you driver.

You know, it's good to get home safely...

... with all these strange things going on around here.

Oh there's nothing to worry about 'mam. You just be careful out in that fog.

thank you.

< IT'S THE VERY LATEST REPORT! >

the intersection of Forbin Avenue and Arlington Road. >

occurred only 5 minutes ago is still to be explained... >

involved. >

wreck which was reported a very short time before... >

this area within the last 24 hours. >

Take it easy! How about a couple of blankets up here.

What happened?

Haven't got any idea Colonel. Something must have lifted the bus and smashed it.

The front end's okay so we know it didn't run into anything.

You boys might just as well go back. There aren't any bodies!

Oh say, take care of this lady for me, will you please.

Attention, all military and civil defense personnel.

Attention, all police and fire department personnel.

The Mantis has been sighted over Washington!

I repeat. The Mantis has been sited over Washington.

Let�s go.

Excuse me, pardon... This is a general alert!

ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE ANACOSTIA, D. C.

Archer this is Beagle One Seven.

Airborne with 4 chickens heading zero three five. Over.

It's Colonel Parkman, sir.

Beagle One Seven, Archer control...

Continue on your present heading...

bogey at 12 o'clock, 100 miles. Maintain present air speed...

Altitude at five thousand, Over.

Bogey tracking one five zero.

I've got Baltimore, General.

Go ahead Baltimore.

Second plot three four zero, Range, one five zero.

Un identified object.

Speed: 250, Altitude: 2000.

Dropping fast.

Dixie three five bravo, Range: 150

Speed: 250 Altitude now: 2000

Dropping fast.

It's still moving Northeast. You think you'll be able to drive it out to sea?

I hope so.

Air Defense Warning Red! Stand by to lock on.

Baltimore, warning red.

Philadelphia, warning red. I repeat, red.

Attention Missile field: warning red.

Pass to all gun sites.

Guns free, fire at any object not identified as friendly.

I repeat, pass to all gun sites...

Guns free, fire at any object not identified as friendly.

Dixie 35 Bravo, 342 Range 110.

Victor 25 Victor, 352 range 110.

Victor 25 Victor, contact lost.

Victor 25 Victor, Contact lost.

Dixie 35 Bravo, contact lost.

What happened? He dropped below the radar net.

Well does that mean you've lost it? What happened? He dropped below the radar net.

Well does that mean you've lost it?

One of the ground observers will pick it up.

This is one nine hotel.

Bogey range... Flying East. This is one nine hotel...

Thank you.

Initial track, bravo golf, zero three three nine, at two five. going Northeast.

Eagle one seven, Archer control.

Vector one niner zero. bogey at 12 o'clock. steady on course, twenty miles, over.

That'll put it over Newark in a few minutes.

Archer, this is Beagle One Seven.

When steady on vector, bogey will be 12 o'clock.

Archer control, this is Beagle One Seven.

We've splashed Mantis. Give me pigeons to home plate.

Hey Clark! They said on television that the flyer who shot him down...

... is going in the tunnel after him.

Did you see it crawl into the tunnel?

Hey bud! Hey, hey bud! Bud! Hey!

Hey bud, is it still in the tunnel?

It ain't out here Mac!

Anybody killed?

I only know what I read in the papers!

Hey smart guy, I thought I told you to stay out of that road, now come on...

... get back there! " I'm going home and watch it on TV." Why go ahead home and watch it on TV.

Alright, don't push! " I'll push..." I see anything anyway

Yeah, tell it to your neighbor will ya!

That's all the smoke we need. Shut it off!

How much longer do you think it'll take?

Well we got about a 90 percent saturation of smoke in the tunnel now!

I don't think we can do any better, General.

We'll be lucky if we can hold what we've got.

Those wet tarpaulins will hold the smoke alright.

Just keep pumping!

Everything�s under control on the Jersey side sir.

what about the smoke?

It's packed in solid the tarp's holding it fine.

Did you go inside? Yes sir, but we didn't get too close.

How far in do you estimate it to be?

Oh I'd ah, I'd say, about a quarter of a mile from this end.

That puts the Mantis below the water line.

I don't think we ought to wait much longer, sir.

What do you think Ned?

It's no question in my mind that he's mortally wounded.

If we can keep him in that tunnel he'll die!

Is there anything between us and the Mantis on this end?

17 cars, according to the automatic counter.

If he breaks through those tunnel walls we'll have a flood on our hands.

What do you say, General?

Go ahead, Joe.

Good luck Joe.

Alright men.

You've all been told what to do.

Now the purpose of that smoke in there is to give us cover.

Use it! Now which of you men is carrying the chemical mines?

Stay up front with me!

And remember, those 3-R-G mines are effective only in a limited area.

So watch for my signal before you throw them.

Alright men, Take Masks!

Let's go!

There's your cover for next months magazine, Marge.

Well go on, take your picture.

Would you mind telling me what's so funny Colonel?

Who me? Well nothing at all.

Can I help you with the Camera? No thanks.

Exactly where did you crash into him, Joe?

Well, just about center of the right hand side.

If you follow me, I'll show you.

There. I think you can see right there, sir. It's at the uh, base of the neck.

Ned what do you call...

Look out Marge!

I thought you said you killed him?

Don't blame Joe, that was an auto-reflex mechanism, it's dead alright.

Here, put me down.

I said, put me down!

What's the matter? Don't you like it up here?

I've got pictures to take!

Well, that can wait.

This is no place for romance Joe Parkman.

What about my pictures?

Let Ned do it.

ha, ha, ha, ha....

Will Professor Post will be back soon?

Any moment now Mr. Tanner.

How d'you do Professor Post.

Good evening, morning, I mean afternoon.

Oh, yes. I've read your papers on Aristotle.

We will now have a complete survey.

Professor Post, this is drag day... And... Can't we...

- We'll continue tomorrow. - Thank you Professor.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Jenkins.

Everyone is happy and excited over the drag.

Will you be going, Sir?

Oh, no. I'd rather sit here and read Aristotle.

- You know I'm lying don't you? - Yes, Sir.

I'm not going because I wasn't invited.

If you'll pardon me Sir...

Your loneliness, is self inflicted.

Being constantly lonely, creates a sort of...

An inferiority complex.

Poor old Professor Ferguson was like that.

He lived here alone.

With his nerves.

Couldn't sleep nights.

I don't sleep very well myself.

I have twitches.

That's what Professor Ferguson told me in this very room.

The night he shot himself.

- Shot himself? - Yes.

In that very chair.

I know because I helped to pick him up,

and lay him on that couch, where he died.

It you'll only go out and find life,

You'll enjoy living it.

But Jenkins, how often have I told you. That requires money.

And I have saved in 12 years...

Exactly...

Four thousand, five hundred and sixty four dollars

And twenty three... cents.

I'm saving that for a rainy day.

Yes, Sir. Poor Professor Ferguson said that.

And it rained the day they buried him.

I have thought of getting a broadening experience.

But a person in my position, can't very well...

afford to indulge in whims.

I'd love to rub elbows with the outside world.

And become a...

Napoleon

- He was about my size too. - Yes.

I hope you'll forgive me, Sir.

But this letter came this morning.

I was so occupied with the other gentleman, I neglected to leave it.

'Tis well.

Jenkins!

Come here... look.

See what that says. I fell heir to...

- $7,500 - You're mistaken, Sir.

It says you've inherited seven hundred...

and fifty thousand dollars.

750,000...

Get my trunk.

What are you going to do?

What did I do with that letter?

- It's in your hand. - I'll look for it myself.

- Get my trunk. - Here.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going some place.

I don't know where, but I'll find it.

750,000.

I'll meet people, I'll see things.

I'll buy companionship.

I'll draw all my money out of the bank.

You don't want to take the lamp. You can't get the bed in, Sir.

Come on. Get this stuff aboard. The train don't stay here all day.

Why don't you stop squawking, Reno.

- You're no gardenia. - Oh yeah?

No wonder the show took only $42 last night.

What the troupe needs is a comedian.

Where d'you get that stuff? They clapped when I came out.

They wasn't clapping. They was killing mosquitoes.

How d'you like them onions.

My gags ghouled them. You can't say they didn't.

You haven't got a gag that'd get a giggle.

Yeah? How about this one.

A guy goes into a second hand store.

He says to the man: Is this a second hand store?

The man says: Yes. Then the guy says...

Give me a second hand for my watch.

If I was laughing I've stopped.

I'm a mackerel without any fins.

I'll tell it to that little guy with the bass. Come on.

Good morning, stranger.

Good morning. Why must we be strangers?

- My name... - I'll tell you a new one.

A guy goes into a second hand store and he says to the man...

Is this a second hand store? And the man says: Yes.

Then he says: Give me a second hand for my watch.

Was he furnished with a second hand?

It's too subtle. It went over his head like a trapeze act.

Here's one you can't miss. In Scotland...

The cinemas are billing Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

as a double feature.

Dr Jekyll had double features.

The guy ain't got no education.

Don't you want to try another one?

I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?

No.

- I hope it's not damaged. - Oh, it's alright.

I am Professor Timoleon Zanders Post. Late of the faculty of Potts College.

Gee this is the first time I ever met a professor.

- You're an actress aren't you? - Well, I'm a dancer.

What a coincidence. I've made an exhaustive study of Greek dancing.

How interesting.

Pansy, you're going to miss the train.

- I'll assist you. - We need no assistance.

Come on, Pansy.

Come on, get aboard here.

I'll make him translate that.

What's the matter?

Let me try to help you.

That's it. Now that's that.

Now you're alright.

Pansy!

- Say Reno, how about a little rummy? - OK.

- Tony, want to play a little rummy. - I gotta holda the baby.

I gotta holda the baby. Fine.

I gotta take care of the baby.

When Rosa whasha her face in the front.

I don�t mind holding the baby if the father cares to participate.

Fine Professor. You hold him like this.

Thanks. You give him this.

- What a break. - What a break.

Jimmy play nice.

Professor. Mario takes to you.

- You must have babies of your own. - No I have never been a father.

But I understand the fundamental principals of the thing.

This guy slays me.

Understands the fundamental principal.

Jimmy, can't you try and be a little refined.

That's right. You're fundamentally correct.

Stop the train immediately.

There's been a terrible oversight.

Must be an accident.

What is it? Where's the accident?

Here it is. They forgot to put it on the train.

You held up the train on account of the trunk?

Naturally. Get on board. We're pulling out right now.

Wait a minute. It ain't legal.

He's got a right to have his trunk.

- Why didn't you put it on? - I never seen the trunk.

- Don't equivocate. - What?

- What? - Don't equivocate.

I don't take that kind of language from you or any little runt.

That calls for drastic action. James, hold the baby.

- I'll give you one minute to apologize. - Keep your shirt on.

I had no intention of removing it.

You haven't a chance against that big palooka.

What's holding the train?

- That fellow claims that's his trunk. - You're 30 minutes late. Pull out.

That's a breach of contract.

- There's no check on this trunk. - What about it?

This guy's paid out good dough.

Is it his fault you forgot to put a check on his trunk?

Say, listen. I told you I never even seen the trunk.

Anyone said I did is a liar. What d'ya make of that?

Them's 5 fingered words.

- Hold the baby. - Listen!

The professor is my friend.

You put the trunk on or I'lla taka the throat...

and squeeze the life out of it like this.

Am I burning up.

Just a minute. Check the trunk.

- Where's your check? - Check, what check?

Your trunk check.

- I haven't... - You mean to say...

You have to check it. Show him your ticket.

My ticket?

In my excitement, I forgot to purchase one.

Alright Macaffrey. Board!

Wait a minute. You can't do that. It's unconstitutional.

Unconstitutional or not, there she goes,

Come on Professor. Come on, will ya?

- Where's the baby? - The baby?

- The baby? - Where's the baby?

What d'ya mean, you've got the baby.

Where's the kid?

Holy mackerel, I forgot it.

Who gave that stop signal? You?

You? You?

I did.

If you think we're going back after that trunk, you're crazy.

- It ain't the trunk, it's the baby. - Baby? Whose baby?

- Yours? - No. This is the father.

Show him your check.

Check?

- I got no check. - No check?

No, no check.

- Thank you. - Come on, get on this train.

D'you wanna be there all day?

- Get on this train. - Hurry, get on this train.

Wanna stay here all day?

Board!

Come on, what's the matter with you?

- Good morning Jenkins. - Good morning.

What can I do for you?

Dr. Bolton. Do you know about Professor Post's inheritance?

Yes indeed. I've been made very happy by it.

I've been made most unhappy by it, Sir.

- Jenkins, what do you mean? - Dr. Bolton...

I've done an awful thing. Professor Post

didn�t inherit $750,000. He didn't inherit anything.

I wrote him that letter.

Jenkins! How could you do such a thing?

I thought I'd help him, Sir.

He'd been a very lonely man. No friends.

No companionship. And I wanted to...

do it for his own good, Sir.

I'm tremendously fond of him.

But he's learned everything except...

How to live.

I've done a terrible thing, Sir.

I wonder if you have done such a terrible thing.

I wouldn't worry, Jenkins.

He's drawn out his life savings, Sir.

I hadn't figured on that.

Forget it. Nothing very serious can happen...

to so conservative a fellow as...

Professor Post.

- Here's my hand. - Goodbye James.

Goodbye, hope we meet again. Lots of luck.

Oh Professor, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Goodbye Miss Pansy. We may meet at some future time, perchance.

If I should have a friend and he should want to write me a letter,

It would reach me, care of the Billboard.

- Which Billboard. - Troupers paper, Cincinnati.

I'll make a note of that.

You're going to miss this bus.

Well, goodbye Professor.

Don't do anything I would.

- What's her name? - Whose name?

- The young lady. - Pansy.

- Pansy what? - Pansy Peets.

Pansy Peets.

Board!

When is the next train for Chicago?

There's a train tonight about 9 o'clock.

- Thanks. - Only trouble is...

it don't stop here.

I will have to go to a hotel. Is there a vehicle around?

No. there's a bus though.

There's a hotel bus makes the depot.

Only trouble is...

it don't run no more today.

How far is it to the village?

About two and a half miles as the crow flies.

- Only trouble is... - I'm no crow.

- Would you allow me to ride with you? - You're darn tootin'. Hop right in.

Can you direct me to the opera house?

You're standing right in front of it.

Well, how are you professor?

For the love of Mike, how did you get here?

I was vibrated here in a most unusual vehicle.

Gee, I'm glad to see you. See you after the show.

What a day, what a day. Roll in somnia.

All ladies there.

And here comes the fairest of them all.

Ah, Antobio, you wait.

- What about Prince de Millio? - My heart is light.

I dance.

What d'ya think of tha...

- Well done Antobio. - You said it friend. You said it.

And now, my castle, and love.

I will love you always.

Good times are here

Right now

We're a hit. It's stupendious.

Come on back Professor, and give the folks a kick.

A kick? Why?

I thought they preformed beautifully.

You slay me with your crack.

Come on back Professor, you murder me.

Come on Professor.

Get that thing out.

Miss Pansy...

I can't say how much I enjoyed your dancing.

- Thank to Professor. - Yours was surely the poetry of motion.

It's never been called that before.

In fact, the entire entertainment was not only enjoyable

but instructive. I predict big things for it.

Girls, come on...

Now wait a minute. Lay off that.

- Nothing leaves this opera house. - Says who?

Sheriff of Lincoln County. This here stuff's all attached.

Bill for $250. Hotel Hastings.

- You see chief, what I want to do... - That's enough. Come on, Tom.

- Come on girls. - Get off that trunk. That's the law.

- What's the matter Miss Pansy. - It's nothing Professor, really.

But you're crying. Is it because of this uncouth fellow?

They're going to take our trunks and everything.

I'm going to put a seal on them trunks. And on that door.

- Get off that trunk, all of you. - One moment please.

You're manner is very offensive and I'm free to say, I do not like you.

- Where are them seals? - Right here sheriff.

Don't start anything. Pipe down.

You're not going to get to first base out of him with a john law.

I repeat, I do not like him.

- Pay this man and send him away. - Yeah?

With what. Us and the house made 28 bucks tonight.

I will lend you the money.

You wouldn't clown with me?

That's beside the point. I wish to pay this man.

One... two...

A fifty.

Correct. Thank you, doc,

Goodbye folks. goodbye gals.

Gee Professor, that was a decent thing for you to do.

That's perfectly alright.

What I want to know is, how we going to get to the next town?

I guess we'll walk.

Well, James...

If you need further assistance.

Don't! Keep your money in your pocket.

What's the idea?

It's a shame to shill a stranger like that.

He's a pal.

He helped you once, and now you want to take him for more.

- I ain't trying to take him. - How will he get his money back?

I got it. To show you I'm on the level, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you take over the show, and manage it.

But I know nothing whatever about show business.

Who does? That's what makes it a great game.

It's packed full of wallops.

It would be a broadening experience.

You said it.

Running a show is one of the most broadening experiences there is.

Unfortunately I'm going to New York. My trunk is on the way.

I have the solution.

I'll go to New York.

And take the show with me.

You mean you'll put this in a Broadway theatre?

Why not? It's excellent and I like it.

Can you swing it?

- Have you got the mazooma? - The what?

The sugar. I mean the kale.

- You know what kale is don't you? - Yes.

Kale is a vegetable, resembling a cabbage.

What I mean is, have you got the cush?

The copeks... The Ooughday... The cartwheels.

Can someone tell me what he's trying to say?

He's asking if you've got enough money.

I don't know. I only have 750,000.

750 grand?

- Grand what? - Don't let's start it again.

We'll embark on the first train in the morning.

Don't pick that up in the middle. That's big time stuff you're handling.

- Next dance, New York. - New York... what a town.

Broadway... what a street.

I've been waiting for years to get a crack at those Broadway bozos.

And now I'm set.

I know darn well I can do without Broadway

But can Broadway do without me?

The heart of the world

And look after they take one flash at me in my adornment

They'll know darn well I can do without Broadway

But can Broadway do without me?

No, no! Can Broadway do without me?

I'm sorry, it's out of the question.

- Morning everybody. - James we've been waiting for you.

Mr. Rayburn has seen our entertainment.

I have seen your show, but not your entertainment.

- What does he mean? - He's kidding.

I'm not kidding. Broadway stands for

a lot of baloney, but will never digest a piece of tripe like this.

- I don't understand. - I'll make myself perfectly clear.

After 30 years of stage directing, this is the worst

show I have ever seen!

- I went over alright didn't I? - You'll be alright after

I've toned you down and polished you up.

I think James is exceedingly funny.

Say, I killed them in Clay Center.

In New York it will probably be the reverse.

- Are you incineratin' - Now wait a minute,

I'm willing to take over this show.

But it's got to be built up from nothing.

So we'll start with him.

We've got to build and build and build.

Till we put some sense into this thing.

What about comedy?

- We could take something from the Greek - What Greek?

- Aristophanes is very humorous. - I never caught his act.

All the Greeks in New York. I'll take something from them.

The Professor wants to take something from the Greeks.

I think it's a great idea. We've had Chinese, Hawaiian,

Shevershablokans, Why not the Greeks.

Alright, alright. Now another thing, about the...

Miss Peets. I'm afraid Broadway is not quite ready for you.

Meaning of course... that I'm not quite ready for Broadway?

I'm afraid you won't do.

- Won't do what? - She won't do for this show.

Her style of dancing went out with his jokes.

- Miss Peets dances unusually well. - The audiences won't think so.

He's right Professor. It's OK.

- I'll bow out. - That the way to talk.

That's not the way to talk.

I insist you remain with us.

In fact it was your artistry that decided me

to give financial support to this company.

You shall dance as planned.

It's one of those things.

Why didn't you tell me in the first place?

It's alright. It's all OK. I got you now.

It's alright with me.

- Did he mean? - Yeah, it's an old Greek custom.

Jimmy, just a minute.

Don't you think we ought to give this thing up?

- Give what up? - This show. We're not good enough for Broadway.

Don't be funny. Everybody has to start and that's what we're doing.

We can't experiment with the Professor's money.

- He's taking the chance, not us. - He's getting a kick out of this.

He's having fun. suppose he lost 60,000?

He's got 750,000.

Miss Peets, Mr. Rayburn wishes you to report to the rehearsal hall.

I have enlightened him. He has a keener appreciation of your dancing.

Oh, Professor, you...

Gee, you're sweet.

What did she mean?

There's something about you. Something about you.

Where's the guy that's putting on this brawl?

Who wants to know?

Eleanor Espere, the personality girl.

Miss Eleanor Espere, and personality.

Send them both in.

Get a load of that. Big time sex appeal.

Is there any truth in what they say?

There's a million dollars behind this show?

- There is not. - I though so. The regular hooey.

Only 750,000.

Oh, Professor...

I hope you'll excuse me for asking questions.

But after all, a young girl has to know who she's working with.

That's alright.

What Broadway show were you with last season?

The Sunrise Supper Club. I put that saloon on its feet.

Made it New York's hottest nightspot.

And when I first went there, it was a speak easy.

- Speak easy? - Yeah, speak easy.

Speak easy.

You have unconsciously committed a solecism.

You should purify the verb and say: Speak easily.

- Speak easily? - Speak easily.

It's here. It's here!

- Did something arrive? - I'll say it has.

The title for our show. SPEAK EASILY!

- Pretty good. - What d'you mean, pretty good

It's perfect. Speak Easily.

Professor, to get back to me...

- I've got everything. - Everything?

I've got medals for acting, when I was at finishing school.

What finishing school did you attend?

- Notre Dame. - Notre Dame?

Notre Dame is not co-educational.

Well, I was very young.

I can not only troupe, but I can wear them.

- Wear 'em. - What I mean is tights.

You know, I got legs.

I assumed as much.

Assume nothing. Get an eyeful of this.

Sign her up Professor.

Don't let her get away. She's great I tell you.

- If you'd see this gal... - Well?

Come on down!

Come on down, fast.

Down there. Throw your leg out. Have you all got rheumatism?

What's the matter with you?

Go back up and keep time.

What a day! What a day!

For a walk in Somnia.

Never mind that.

What about the music for the rowing number?

The rowing number?

I wrote that this morning. Get a load of this melody.

- You wrote that this morning? - Yeah.

It's something they remember.

I remember it already.

You know, they come out of the theatre whistling that tune.

They'll go into the theatre whistling it.

It is slightly reminiscent of Singing in the Rain.

No! This is different.

Well, Professor? - The song is very good,

But the dance is anachronistic.

A-what?

The postures and movements are not early Greek.

No?

I will show you the dance as performed in Athens.

Young ladies...

Now follow me.

It's here! It's here!

Has something arrived?

I'll say it has. A tune... A melody.

Professor, you're marvelous. You inspire me.

This tune came from the depths of my soul.

Get a load of this.

- We can't consider it. - Why?

That's Oh Susanna.

Not after I've finished with it.

- That's plagiarism. - No. That's Speak Easily.

The theme song for our show.

Just a minute Jamie. I think I know what the Professor wants.

Doesn't it go something like this?

That's it, But there should be more sinuosity of the hips.

Such as...

You mean like this.

Now that is authentic.

But it would be more authentic if you were in the nude.

That's out. No nudes.

But James... It was done so in Athens.

They might get away with that in Athens. That's a college town.

I can do the dance for you, and I've got just the costume.

A little bit here, and the beads there. In my dressing room.

Come and I'll show it to you. The darlingest thing...

There's not very much to it you know...

A few beads right there.

Right this way.

I've been wanting to talk to you for a long, long time.

We should have some place where we can...

Get together and talk things over.

We already have such a place. My office.

Don't be sill. And I was thinking.

I would give you the key to my apartment.

So when you felt like it, you could run up and we could...

Have a cup of tea.

Very well. If I should ever feel the need of a cup of tea.

Of course I won't be able to pay for the rent.

At the start, that is until the show opens.

But, if I were to send you the bill, you�d take care of it, wouldn't you?

That's customary?

Alright everybody. Out for the trio.

- Professor? - Good afternoon.

What have you been doing with that Espere girl?

We had a business conference.

Pertaining to the rental of her apartment.

- Did she ask you to pay her rent? - Yes.

Something I'd neglected to do. I didn't know it was customary.

You come inside a minute. I want to talk to you.

She kissed you didn't she?

Oh yes. She's a very appreciative girl.

Did you kiss her back.

- Kiss her back? - You know what I mean.

Did you return her kiss?

- No, is that customary? - Oh, never mind.

What else did she do?

She generously gave me the key to her apartment.

Oh, she did?

One would hardly expect such hospitality in a big city.

Don't you understand what she means?

Oh yes... She told me.

Any time I come to her apartment, I can have a cup of tea.

I'll tell you what you do Timsy.

Any time you want a cup of tea, you come to my apartment.

Dyou know?

I prefer cocoa.

Come in Timmy.

Make yourself right at home.

Oh, Marie!

Marie!

Oh dear. Those servants. You just can't keep them.

You don't mind if I do this myself do you?

Come Timmy. Come, come.

I'll take your hat and umbrella.

Oh, your coat.

Now sit down.

While we're waiting for my brother, we'll have a talk.

A real intelligent talk.

Because I've got a mind.

- Yes? - Oh yes.

I can hold the interest of a man like you.

Tell me Timmy...

Have you ever seriously thought of...

Marriage?

Yes.

That's why I'm single.

Well, supposing we have a nice little drink.

Thank you. I never drink.

I know. but a little Tom Collins won't hurt you.

What is the nature of this...

Thomas Collins?

Sort of like lemonade, only it's made from limes and...

And a dash of that and that.

Like a fruit compo, you know?

Very nice.

Sort of radiates a glow.

And that's what you need. A glow.

Now, I'll slip into something more comfortable.

And I'll be right back!

No, no, no. You stay right here.

I won't be a moment.

Toodle-ooo!

I'm back again Timmy.

Going to take a bath?

You can crack wise can't you?

I compounded a little drink for you.

Here's to you and me, Professor.

Ah, honey!

I'm gonna pass out any minute, Timmy. Any minute.

Drape your arms around me honey.

And give a great big hug.

- I don't understand you. - No?

Well, it goes something like this.

How was it?

Oh no. You don't want those on.

Must never kiss someone with glasses, honey.

Take a big, deep breath.

Honey!

- Everything's alright now. - I don't understand you.

You'll pay the rent, won't you honey?

- Rent? - Yes... the rent.

You and I get around to it, when we'll be married.

Most certainly not.

Oh, Timmy!

Now wait, now wait.

Miss... Miss Espere.

You... you... gotta go home.

Timmy, I've lost my Timmy.

Oh, there you are.

Wait a minute honey. Little Nellie will help you.

Wait a minute.

Help me up. Oh, for goodness sake.

I know, you're behind the couch.

Come on!

There you are.

Horsey, horsey, horsey.

Timmy, let's play horsey.

It's awful good to have had you.

You go right straight home.

- Right straight home. - I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Honest, ain't it a wow?

Jimmy Dodge and Pansy Peets on Broadway.

Kid, I always said, we'd get where we belong.

Gee, Jimmy, I'm all trembling.

It don't seem possible.

That's a swell profile of me ain't it?

Yes Jimmy, it is. Every inch of it.

The whole thing seems like a dream.

- I hope nothing happens. - There you go!

You dames are always looking for trouble.

What could happen?

Is Professor Post here?

We're waiting for him ourselves.

- Who are you? - I'm from his lawyer's office.

- I must see the Professor right away. - What about?

About a mythical inheritance of $750,000.

Mythical?

- What's that? - Mythical is something that doesn't exist.

You mean the $750,000 that the Professor's got?

- He hasn't got? - That's just what I mean.

We've mae a complete investigation.

And he hasn't got a dime.

Gee, Mister. You sure brought us some sweet news.

- And we're opening tonight. - You mean you were opening tonight.

We've got the Professor in an awful fix.

Since this morning, we've been bombarded by people

trying to collect for scenery, shoes, costumes.

Listen, if the Professor's broke there's only one chance

for people to get their dough.

Let the show open. it's bound to click. Then we can pay off.

Can't you do something?

You know. Stall them off until after opening night.

There's only one chance.

Get the Professor out of the state immediately.

- Tell him to go to Jersey. - I'll do it.

Remember, if he shows up tonight,

somebody'll slap an attachment on him and the curtain never will go up.

I knew it couldn't happen.

It was too wonderful.

- Poor Professor. - I wonder where he is.

I went by the hotel and he hasn't been home all night.

Good heavens!

- I bet he went for that cup of tea. - Cup of tea?

Jimmy, he's with that Espere woman. He's been there all night.

I'll get him. Buck up, kid.

I'll get the Professor.

He'll get Jersey, And Broadway will get us!

What are you doing here?

I remember!

You spiked my drink last night.

What happened after that?

- I don't know. - Oh, it's terrible.

Terrible!

After a girl loses her reputation, she's hardly got anything left.

- What are you going to do? - I could apologize.

Oh, Timmy. Do you remember saying last night...

That if a gentleman compromised a lady,

that he had ought to marry her.

It's my brother. What are we going to do?

- Maybe I could apologize to him. - What are we going to do?

What are we going to do? Get in here quick.

Quick, get in the bathroom.

Where's that man? - What man?

Don't stall, Nell. There's a man been here all night.

Oh, Nell!

What would mother say?

I didn't think you were that kind of a girl.

I've always acted like a lady, but when a gentleman spikes your drink...

Well? What are you going to do?

James!

No, no. You mustn't.

Come out!

If you don't come out before I count three, I'll shoot.

One... Two...

Three!

Put that gun away. Don't shoot!

I'll marry her. Nell!

- Who are you? - I'm a gentleman with scruples.

And I'll marry her. Nell!

Shut up!

Say, who's making this sacrifice, you or me?

What right have you got, to interfere with this girl's happiness?

Honey... Take all of me!

Anything for Mr. Hancock?

- There you are. - Thank you.

Mrs. Morris' reservation. Three.

- If you prefer it, I'll go. - That's great. Come on, get in.

- I'll see you later, at the theatre. - Yeah.

See you later at the theatre.

- Take him to Jersey and keep him there. - OK.

Go ahead. Step on it.

Why isn't somebody here to help me?

Reno, where are you?

Put it over there will you.

Where's that gadget you promised me?

That gimmick, that magoo?

I've got it Mr. Rayburn.

Round masking piece. Bring it here where it belongs.

Stay around where I can find you.

- What's the matter? - I haven't got my thing.

- My thing. - What is it? I'm not a mind reader.

Tell me... Reno, where are you?

- Yes? - Take this guy and find his thing.

Whatever...

Have you seen my dressing room?

What's the matter with it?

Take a look at it, and then ask me!

Am I supposed to rebuild the theatre?

How do you expect me to keep my nerves?

People on this side, people on that!

And me giving a performance tonight!

You have got the best dressing room...

Reno, where are you?

Give Miss Espere the star room.

The star room, don't forget.

Oh boy, they�re pouring in.

- It looks like a sellout. - If we give a smooth performance.

- The show might get by. - Sure we will.

Who's that flat footed guy with the derby on?

I knew something was going to happen. But I'll take care of him.

- Were you wanting something? - Where's the manager?

- How do I know? - You better find him.

Here's an attachment. Joint action. Amount $10,000.

$10,000? A mere bagatelle.

Professor Post will pay when he gets here if you'll wait.

I ain't waiting.

I've got an injunction and I'm going to close this show.

Yeah, I know. But you can't serve that paper on me.

- You've got to serve it on the owner. - That's what I'm asking.

- Where's the owner? - He'll be here.

Here's a nice chair. Just sit down and rest your...

Feet.

Don't hold me.

- We've got to start the show, or it'll stop before we start. - What's wrong?

It's the law.

Dear me. Right back where we were in Bidges Swift.

Keep your equilibrium. He's got to serve the Professor...

And the Professor is in dear old Jersey.

I told you girls to stay off that piano.

Leave the pinochle games alone. We've got work

Please clear the stage.

Why don't you show somebody where to put that thing?

I want to congratulate you...

Get over there will ya.

Where's that other guy? Hurry up.

You've bungled my thing. Bungled my thing.

I cannot do my jump. My prop is not here to...

- I bet your... - Cmon we're late. We gotta get going.

It's all over now.

- Why didn't you stay where you were? - James, James. Control yourself.

I was with an ill informed taxi man.

Who took me to a tunnel, underneath the Hudson river.

I realized immediately, he was not familiar with the geography of the city.

That man...

I will not permit strangers backstage. I'll eject him immediately.

No, no. Come on.

Get in there.

Piano!

Say, I've gotta have action.

- Where this boss of yours. - He'll be here any minute, just wait.

What kind of a guy is he?

Tall man, blond, dark glasses.

Walks with a limp. He's got a wooden leg.

Get out of my way. What are you doing here?

I told the Professor to fire you.

I'm warning you. You leave the Professor alone.

We're going to be married.

If I knew you weren't lying, I'd take your silly head off.

- I'll do it anyway. - Stop it you little fool.

She's gone crazy.

- Miss Pansy. - You little nitwit you!

Be on your toes.

Alright. Flash them! Scene away.

I want to know what happened last night and what that woman means to you?

Many things happened last night.

That woman means absolutely nothing to me.

You're not going to marry her?

- Certainly not. - Oh, Timsy!

You're on the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen!

As Lord Chesterfield said...

An honest heir is to be pitied and not ridiculed.

He's ruining the play. Bring down the curtain.

Bring down nothing. Keep away from the curtain.

- Can't you hear them laugh? - Of course. They're kidding the show.

They're not kidding. They think the Prof is part of the show.

Now young ladies.

Just line up for the part, where we do this.

Just continue.

Get that piano on.

Due to my unfamiliarity with stage procedure

there has been a slight departure from routine in this part of the entertainment.

With your kind indulgence, we will continue.

James will entertain you.

Why is it wherever I go, someone always picks on me?

What's the psychology of that?

Only this morning I took a walk with my family of 10 children,

When a cop comes up to me and says under arrest.

I said: For what? I didn't do nothing.

He said: You must have done something with that crowd following you.

And that's not all.

Why am I always snubbed? By pretty girls and debutantees.

I know I'm not good looking.

But what's my opinion against thousands of others.

And to add to my humiliation

Last night I went into a drug store to get a drink of pop

when out of a clear sky for nothing

A guy hits me on the head with a bottle.

And says: Consider yourself launched.

Was I amazed!

Look, Professor. You've got to keep off that stage.

I was only trying to repair the damage I had done.

Keep off that stage. Get me?

I shall do my duty as I see it.

If you dare to interfere, I shall expel you.

Reno, Reno...

Get me some bubbles quick. Hurry up.

Never in 30 years of the theatre.

Hurry up with those bubbles.

Professor, I've asked, now I'm telling you.

Keep off that stage.

Get out there and do something. I don't care what you steal.

I steal nothing. Originality, personality.

- and unction, that's me. - Get out there and do it.

What are you doing, coming out here and spoiling my act?

My public! My dignity!

Miss Espere. Maybe you can tell me? Where is my thing?

Give me a bubble, quick.

Send the girls on for the chorus number.

Stand by to give James a bubble.

Hurry up. Get out there quick.

Formation!

No, no, no. Retire! Retire!

You lose my thing. You gotta find my thing!

It's a mad house! They're crazy!

I'm crazy.

Give me that snow. If they want snow...

- Stay off... - I don't care.

Say, who's the owner of this show?

I am.

You're great. You've got a funny comeback for everything.

I've caught a lot of comedians,

But you were the funniest close I've ever seen.

I've got to get the Professor off this stage.

What do you suggest, Reno?

We could put him up in the fly gallery.

It's a great idea.

I want to be sure you get a good view of this bicycle race.

- We want to get your reaction. - I want you up in the flies

You want me up in the flies?

I'm already well up in domestic insects,

No! I want you up in the fly gallery.

I want you to get an uninterrupted view of all that goes on.

- That's very thoughtful. - I just thought of it.

Just like Mr. Rayburn. Always giving someone else a break.

Right up there.

Tie him to something.

Not up there. You'll get dizzy in those high altitudes.

Hang on now.

What are you doing here?

Where's Jimmy, where's Espere?

He can't win. He can't win.

Father, father! You must win.

Faster, Charlie.

Father!

Stop the motor!

He'll kill himself...

Stop the motor. What the matter?

I told you to tie him up there. What's wrong with you?

He's ruined my act!

There has been a slight departure from the routine...

this section of the entertainment.

- What d'you want me to do? - Walk on your hands. I don't care.

Remember, I'm an artist.

Due to a few mishaps, there has been a...

a slight delay in our performance.

But now that we are well organized, we will continue...

Here he comes!

- Why can't they stop that cyclorama? - They broke the main shaft.

Shoot him. They'll think it's part of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- What a night! - Listen. They're still applauding.

It's a smash hit.

Listen Rayburn, you've double crossed me.

Why didn't you show me this at the rehearsals?

Why not tell me the Professor was a comedian?

- Where is Post? - Out there somewhere.

Didn't I tell you we'd knock them dead?

Mr. Billing is looking for you Professor Post.

What d'you mean? Is this Post?

Why didn't you say? I've been looking for him all night.

- Are you T D Post? - Yes.

What d'ya mean a tall guy?

Can I help it if he shrinks from process servers?

What about this injunction? $10,000 in costs. Will you settle it?

- James will take care of it. - Here he is.

Congratulations.

You fooled me, but you've got a hit.

Don't let it go to your head. I want to talk business.

- This gentleman comes first. - Alright, I can wait.

Remember, don't sell the show, till you get my figures.

- What about the $10,000? - Don't listen to that piker?

10,000? I'm talking regular money.

100,000!

100,000 for a half interest in the show. what do you say?

- Take it. - I accept.

Fine. I'll have the contracts made up first thing in the morning.

What about our account? Will you settle or not?

Mr. Billings, my junior partner, takes care of small details.

Hey, you!

Miss Pansy.

We're in, we're in. What did I tell you?

Please... do something.

One act... Two acts...

Then everything is all over. I never find my thing here.

Now wait. Let us settle this definitely.

What is it you are looking for?

Please, my thing here that...

It ain't on the prop list.

That's my thing!

That's my cradle!

But what is it?

That you put in the mouth.

- Where's the Professor? - I don't know. Maybe he beat it.

Take it away will you.

Timoleon!

We've got an engagement!

And you're going to have to do plenty of explaining.

I'm fully aware of the facts.

The events of the past few minutes have not been strictly conventional.

Therefore I feel it necessary, to clarify...

A situation which otherwise might be filled with doubt.

This I will do.

Through the medium of a much quoted but pungent phrase.

Nuts to you!

Subtitles: Corvusalbus