All language subtitles for Monk.S03E10.720p.AAC2.0.720p.WEB-DL-TB

MONK Season 3 Epi. 10
Mr. Monk and the Red Herring

It's been three months.
How are you holding up?

Well, I've made a decision. - Good.

When she comes back, I'm not gonna
pay her for the weeks she missed.

I have to draw the line.

- I'm docking her pay.
- Adrian...

- Sharona is not coming back.
- She'll be back.

Believe me.

I, I think I know her
a lot better than you do.

Didn't she sell her house? - Yes.

And she moved back
to New Jersey. - Yes.

And she remarried her ex-husband.

I'm not sure I like
where you're going here.

Adrian, Sharona is
moving on with her life,

and if you loved her,
you'd be happy for her.

She wasn't just my assistant.

I know. - When she found me,

I was drowning.

- She saved my life.
- I know.

I know. I was there.

You're a doctor.

Can't you make her come back?

What would you like me to do?

Fly back to New Jersey
and drug her,

bring her back here?

No.

But thank you.

She's pretty smart.
She'd probably escape.

Adrian, you were
lucky to know her.

And I know you'll always be grateful,
but it's time for you to move on.

You've gotta start looking
for your new assistant. - Impossible.

Yeah, well, that's what you said
before you found Sharona.

But, Adrian, you've got
to start looking.

Your new assistant
is out there somewhere.

God help her.

I've been a registered
nurse for 14 years.

These are my references.

Your staple's...
crooked.

I've been voted California nurse of
the year three years in a row.

Mm-hmm, yeah.
What's up with this staple?

You're looking for someone
to start right away? - That's right.

What would my hours be? - 9 A. M...

- until?
- Until one...

- 1 P. M?
- Until one of us dies.

So who was he?

So far he's John Doe.
No wallet, no I. D.

We're running the prints now.

Miss Teeger, I'd like
to go through the story.

Um, you heard a noise,
you came to check it out.

He comes, he grabs you
from behind. - Right.

You struggle. Now, there were some
scissors on that table.

What were they doing there?

Julie, my daughter, was
working on a school project.

- Where's the girl?
- She's with a neighbor.

- Didn't see anything.
- Good.

So you grabbed the scissors
and you stabbed him?

I wasn't trying to kill him.

Maybe I was.
I, I don't know.

Natalie.

You had every right
to defend yourself.

- where's your husband?
- Uh, he died.

Uh, six years ago.
He's a, uh, was a navy pilot.

- I'm sorry.
- Captain, why are they doing this?

- What do they want from me?
- Who's "they"?

There was, uh...
another intruder two days ago.

On Tuesday, a man
came to my house.

He said he was here
to check my water meter.

But he didn't go downstairs.

I, I caught him over there
just looking around.

But when he saw me,
he ran out the back door.

We called water and power,
but there's no record.

And this was a different guy? - Yeah.

You're sure about that? - Yeah.

Sir.

There's gotta be a connection here.

Do you know the odds
against two different men

breaking into the same house
in the same week?

No, I don't. Do you?

No.

Is there anything of value
in your house?

Yeah. My daughter.

Of course. I mean
cash or jewelry?

- Medicine?
- No.

- Drugs?
- No.

And you've never seen
these men before?

Either this guy or
the meter guy? - No.

Huh.

Miss Teeger, there's a person
we sometimes bring in.

He's a former detective.

He sort of specializes
in cases like this.

Great, let's call him.

It's not that easy.
You see, he's, uh,

he's taking some time off.

He's sort of working through
one or two personal issues right now.

But I think if you were to talk
to him and ask him yourself,

he might change his mind.

Mr. Monk, I'm a little
confused. - Me, too.

See, I'm a registered nurse.

And physically, you seem to be fine.

Are you looking for a housekeeper?

No, what? No, no.

I, I, I can clean the house.

Don't worry about that.
That's covered.

She didn't give me any notice.

I guess she was worried that
I'd have a nervous breakdown or...

But, but her son, Benjy, he...
he gave me this letter.

- He left me this.
- It's in a baggie.

It's an evidence bag.
Read the P. S.

- Did you read the P. S.?
- Yeah, it's heartbreaking.

Uh, Mr. Monk, can I be
honest with you?

- I wish you wouldn't.
- I've had tons of patients like you.

There is nothing wrong with you.
It's all up here.

- It's psychological.
- Right, right.

What you really need is a wife.

Oh, whoa. Uh, we just met.
Okay? I don't even know you.

It's not me. I'm not proposing to you.
It's a statement of fact.

- Excuse me.
- you gotta stop whining, you know?

- There, there's no smoking. - Sharona
moved away, wah, wah, wah. You know what?

You have got to get out of the house.
You gotta do something.

Go bowling.
You know, meet some people.

- That is my advice to you.
- You gotta, you gotta put that out!

All right. Don't get
all twisted up.

There. It's out.
And so am I.

Another morning shot to hell.

Hold upright.
Pull away pin.

Stand eight feet from the flame.

One, two, three, four...

Hello?

Mr. Monk?

- Hello? Mr. Monk?
- One, two, three...

Are you okay?

- What are you doing?
- Measuring.

It says eight feet, stay back!

You know, they, they mean
approximately. - No, no.

It doesn't say approximately.

You have to trust the label makers,
professional label makers.

- Just give me that!
- Wait a second, you're too close!

Are you okay?

We did it.

I'm gonna write
these people a letter.

We could've been killed.

They should say "approximately."

- Are you Monk?
- Yeah.

- Adrian Monk?
- Right.

The detective?

The famous, admired,
respected detective?

If you still want the job,
we can go talk in the kitchen.

- What job?
- Aren't you here from the agency?

No. I came here to hire you.

I'm Natalie Teeger.

Captain Stottlemeyer said that
you might be able to help me. - No.

He said you were the best cop
he's ever met.

I guess he's never seen
you put out a fire.

Well, I'm sorry, but, um, I'm not
really taking any work right now.

I recently lost a dear friend.

Oh. I'm so sorry.
Who died?

Nobody died.
My nurse quit.

The captain said you might
change your mind. - Well...

Okay, look, I can pay you.

I'm not rich, but I can
borrow money if I have to.

No. - I can take out a loan.

I can't. Um, I just, I can't.

There was a man
in my house last night. I killed him.

There was another man in
my house a couple of days ago.

They're after something.
I can't figure it out.

Nobody can.

Do you have kids? - No.

I do.

I have an 11-year-old daughter.

Mr. Monk, I don't say
this very often.

- I'm scared.
- Yeah, look.

Please, help me.

Please, help us.

It's okay.

Is there money in the house? - No.

What about the coffee can?
Isn't that where you hide your money?

How did you know that?

There's coffee grounds on the counter
indicating that it's been opened recently,

but you don't have a coffeemaker.

Wow, he's like Velma
from Scooby-doo.

I, I had money in there,

but I spent in on luxury items
like food and rent.

You grew 5/8s of an inch.

- Your husband was in the navy?
- Yeah, he died six years ago.

He was a pilot.

And you recently started dating again.

- How did you know that?
- It's patently obvious.

I happened to notice
these in your coat pocket.

Birth control pills.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I can't believe you just did that!

Right in front of my daughter?
What is wrong with you?

Do you have, like,
zero social skills?

Mom, it's okay.
I'm not a baby.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute.
Oh, my mistake.

These are not birth control pills.

These are, these are Tic-tacs.

Just little pink and green
Tic-tac candies.

But don't eat them. They're...

They're special, adult,
you know, Tic-tacs

Detective Monk, what...

What do you think
these guys are after?

I don't know.

Okay, we, we have two intruders?

One last night, one two days ago.
Both in this room?

- Where were they exactly?
- Uh, just around the television,

Is this yours?

Um, no, mine's over there.

It's brand-new.
It's never been used.

I can't believe all those
detectives missed that.

Well, they probably saw it.
They just didn't give it a second thought.

- Do you have a baggie?
- Uh, yes.

Is this light always on?

Actually, it was off last night.
I didn't turn it on. - Me neither.

- Tell me about the fish.
- His name is Mr. Henry.

My father gave him to me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You think they're after the fish?

Why?

You smell that?
What is that?

It's a pet store.

Haven't you ever been
in a pet store? - No.

What have you been doing?

For one thing, I've been
avoiding pet stores.

- Hey, Carl.
- Hello, Mrs. Teeger.

Hey. I wanna talk to you
about this fish.

Is there anything special? Anything
unusual about him I should know?

Like what? Is he sick?

- He looks okay to me.
- No, no, I mean,

- is he valuable?
- He's just a marble fish, Mrs. Teeger.

We sell them for 99 cents.
We got about a thousand of them.

- If you'd like your money back..
- No, Carl, I'm not returning him.

Is there any reason why someone
might want this particular fish?

I mean, really, really want him?

Uh, well, he's sorta pretty.

And he's got a thin, black
stripe on his dorsal fin...

Mr. Monk, what do you think?

Mr. Monk?

Look at this guy.

He's eating out of two
trays at one time.

He's keeping them even.
They're perfectly even.

Yeah, it's sergeant pepper.

Hey, you want him?
You can have him for free.

We can't get rid of him.
Customers keep bringing him back.

How come?

Mm, he's depressing,
he doesn't talk,

he just mopes around, cleaning himself,
straightening up his cage.

His cage always has to be perfect.

- What's wrong with him?
- His wife died.

Yeah. That's right.

We had a female in there with him.
She died about a year ago.

He hasn't been the same ever since.

Well, why don't you put another
female in there? - It won't work.

He'll never feel the same way
about anybody else.

Yeah, that's right.

We tried it, but...

I'm afraid sergeant pepper's just gonna
grow old and die alone in his little cage.

So what was her name?

Trudy.

It's a goldfish.

Well, technically,
it's a crimson marble fish.

Is it extinct?

If it was extinct, we wouldn't
be looking at it, would we?

Is it rare? Valuable? - Costs about a
dollar. Any pet store has a hundred of them.

I don't know.

He brought a fishing net into the house.

And he turned on the light
over the aquarium.

Well, does anybody have any ideas?

Maybe it swallowed something.
Like, a diamond.

Does anybody besides Randy
have any ideas?

Monk, come here.

Look, how's it going?
I've been worried about you.

No, uh, I've been worried
about me, too.

How are those interviews going?
Did you find anybody?

I've narrowed it down.

To nobody.

Whatever happened with your wife's
niece? The one who's the nurse?

- She never called me.
- Yeah, I know. Um...

here's the thing, Monk.

- I love her.
- I understand.

Captain!

We IDed the intruder that, uh,
miss teeger killed.

Brian Lemmon.
Minor league creep.

- Does that ring a bell?
- Nah, never heard of him.

One, two, three...

five falls.

Couple of B&E's and receiving
stolen property.

Was there an address book
or anything in his wallet?

- No wallet, no keys.
- This is, uh, all we found.

- It was in his back pocket.
- "2:30 Sea of Tranquility."

- What is that? A club?
- No, I don't think so.

Who'd want to go to a club called
the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.

I think it's some kind
of spa or holistic retreat...

No, it's not a spa?
It's an exhibit at the science museum.

My kid went there last
week on a field trip.

Mitch wanted to be an astronaut.

That was his dream.

Three days after
his plane went down,

he got a registered letter from NASA.

He'd been accepted into
their training program.

- It hurts, I know.
- Life goes on.

Doesn't it?

Hello! I'm a white corpuscle!

I'm an important part of
your body's defense system.

I travel through your bloodstream
and I fight bacteria and diseases.

Would you like to know more about me?

No. I'd like to know less about you.

They weren't big on dental
hygiene, were they?

- Natalie.
- Hm?

This man didn't freeze to death.

He was murdered.

There's a puncture wound
in the side of his skull.

It was over 30,000 years ago.

Well, there's no statute
of limitations on murder.

I think I know what happened.

Detective Monk, why don't
we solve my case first?

Then we'll come back here later
and figure out who killed Og, okay?

Welcome to the Sea of Tranquility,

where, on July 20th, 1969,

commander Neil Armstrong took
one small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind.

Those of us that are old enough
to have seen it will never forget it.

Now, over here is
the highlight of our exhibit.

This is an actual moon rock

that was brought back
by the crew of Apollo 11.

There are only 234 moon rocks
that were brought back to planet Earth.

And we've cut a little hole here
in the side of the exhibit

so that you can reach in with your
fingers and touch it if you want to.

That's the guy.

- Who, the tour guide?
- He's the meter reader.

That's the guy that
was in my house.

This is called a plasma sphere.

And inside the sphere,
there are millions of ions reacting

to the electrical charge to create what?

- You said the meter man had black hair.
- He must've been wearing a wig.

But that's the guy. I work in a bar.
I'm good with faces.

Maybe we should say something.
See how he reacts.

No, if he is the guy,
we don't want him to know we know.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

Welcome to the Miracle of Birth.

Sexual reproduction is
the fertilization of the female egg...

We're gonna step carefully
through this opening into the womb,

and then we're gonna take
a left up the fallopian tubes.

Here we go.

Do it carefully. That's it.
Turn sideways if you have to.

Now you're in the womb.

Go left up the fallopian tubes.

There we go.

Welcome to the Miracle of Birth.

Oh, no.
No, no.

Detective Monk, hurry up.
He's getting away!

You are standing in the uterus...

Hurry!

What are you doing?

Wait. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, listen.

Maybe I should've mentioned
this earlier, but...

I, see, the thing is,

I have a number of phobias.

- You? No.
- Oh, yes.

Yes, and one of them,

near the top of the list, actually,
is the miracle of birth.

You're gonna be okay.
Just take my hand.

Okay, fetus ahead!

Oh, no!
Ooh, I can't go up there.

Ah, I, I don't even know this woman.

Okay, but we're gonna lose him!

- Pretend you're in a funhouse!
- Funhouse, no.

What's fun about fallopian tubes?

I can't, I gotta...
I can't now.

Okay, you know what,
just forget it, okay?

- We're outta here.
- Okay.

No, no, no. We have to go
through the pelvis.

I think this is gonna be a cesarean.

Here he is.
Lyle Peck, tour guide.

Okay, all right. I will have
the captain run a check on him.

I can't believe you
freaked out like that.

Human sexuality is a natural thing.

Well, we disagree about that.

Are you hungry?
Here you go.

You bought this kit in the gift
shop at the museum?

Uh-huh.

Was the box open
when you bought it?

Maybe, I don't know.

You think they're after
something from the kit?

Well, Peck works at the museum.
He might've stashed something in the box,

and now he's trying to get it back.

Honey, when you bought this,
did you give them your name?

I might've signed a mailing list.

What exactly was in the kit?

Um, a rock, a treasure chest,

a deep sea diver, and some gravel.

- Look in the treasure chest.
- Nah, nothing.

- What about the gravel?
- I don't see it.

I'd like to take this whole
aquarium back to the lab. - Okay.

Oh, wait, you know what,
you can't.

Uh, there's a science fair
at Julie's school tonight.

- This is her project.
- Not anymore.

- What do you mean?
- Mr. Franklin disqualified me.

He disqualified you?

Mr. Franklin, I'm Natalie Teeger.
I'm Julie's mother.

Oh, yes.
I remember you from parents' night.

Excuse the mess.
We've been making volcanoes.

Did you tell Julie that she couldn't
bring her fish to the science fair?

Yes. I did.

Mrs. Teeger, sit, please.

Or stand. That's fine.

Mrs. Teeger, you need to understand

I teach science, not science fiction.

I can't approve a project
if a student is just making things up.

Are you saying Julie is lying?

I don't know what to say.
I've seen Julie's fish.

It's an ordinary crimson marble fish.

She said she's had it
since she was five.

- Yeah, that's right.
- That's impossible.

A marble fish lives a year,
year and a half at most.

Either Julie's mistaken, or she's
trying to pull a fast one.

Either way, I have an obligation
to my other students.

What are you doing?

- Well, I was not happy about the way...
- Okay, you know, it doesn't matter.

What do you call
a guy who studies fish?

- An ichthyologist.
- That's what you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

I really don't think I am. - Yeah,
for the next five minutes, you are.

I need you to tell Julie's teacher

that a marble fish can live
longer than two years, okay?

Wait a minute, what?

Wait, Natalie.
Wait a second. Wait.

Here's the thing.
Uh, I can't lie.

Uh, I'm not good at it.
I got lucky with that Tic-tac thing.

- Are you a man?
- Am I...

- Are you a man?
- Yes.

Then you can lie.
That's what men do.

Mr. Franklin?

Uh, when Julie told me about your problem,

I called Berkeley and talked to the
science department, and found my own expert.

This is professor Larry Tilburn.

He was kind enough to
meet me here this morning.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- He's an ick... icky...
- Ichthyologist.

Ichthyologist.
He's world renowned.

Has written just a page-turner
of a book on fresh water fish. - Really?

What's it called?

- Fresh water fish, by Larry Tilburn.
- Great title.

I tried to read it,
and just forget it.

Professor?

Professor Tilburn?

Professor Tilburn.

Mr. Franklin here doesn't
think that Julie's fish...

you know the one
that I showed you,

could live longer
than a year or two.

What do you think?

- I think it can.
- I don't see how.

It's a common variety marble fish.

Has a miniscule genome size
and almost no immune system.

Let's go.
Let's get outta here.

That's true.

That's true about most marble fish.

But this is a completely
different species.

This is the north korean marble fish.

North korean?

It's a very strong fish.

It's a very tough fish.

Would have to be to live
in a country like, uh...

- North korea.
- Right.

This fish could live for...

oh, my god, three or four years.

Four and a half or five.

Or six.
Or six, six, that's it.

- Six years.
- I'd like to read your book.

What did you say your name was?

Tilburn.
Larry...

- T, I, L, B, U, R, N?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Truth is,

it's not the same fish.

- Yes, it is. Sure it is.
- Let it go.

I've replaced it every year.

Julie's dad gave it to her
before he died.

I don't have the heart to tell her the
truth. It's all that she has left of him.

So, Mr. Franklin, if you wanna
call that little girl

and tell her that the fish
that she's been talking to

and praying to for the last
six years is dead then,

you know what, go ahead!
I'll dial it for you.

Okay, okay. I didn't know.

She can bring the fish
to the science fair.

If you like, I'll even swing by your
house later and pick up the aquarium.

- Thank you.
- But I can't give her an award.

Mr. Franklin, she doesn't need an award.

She just needs to make it through
middle school without falling apart.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

You really are the worst liar
in the whole world.

I tried to tell you that.

An honest man.

Who'd have thunk it?

Come on, Larry.

I'll take you home.

Just be a minute.
I have to pick up my check.

It's a nice place.

It's a toilet. - Uh, wouldn't
exactly call it a toilet.

- Um, have a seat.
- Where?

Well, there's a lot of chairs.
Take your pick.

How about that one?

Or that one?

Natalie, so I've been thinking.

Uh, if you, if you really hate it here.

I mean, if you're really not happy,

if you really hate it here...

I am looking for a new assistant.

Thank you, Adrian.
I appreciate that.

But I'm not the "girl friday" type.

Yeah, I understand.
I couldn't work for me, either.

To tell you the truth,

I don't know how, how Sharona
lasted as long as she did.

Hey, Clem, I need to pick
up my paycheck. - Yeah, right here.

Actually, I was just
about to call you.

Carly just walked.
I need you to fill in tonight.

Yeah, I can't help you. There's
a science fair at my kid's school.

Well, I got a kid, too, but I'm here.

- Your kid's in jail, Clem.
- You think that's funny, huh?

You know, Teeger, I'm getting
pretty tired of your attitude.

All right, the last time I asked you to
help me out here, you bailed on me.

Are you talking about yesterday?
Sorry I couldn't be here, Clem.

I was watching the cops
carry a body out of my house.

Yeah. I heard about that.

Well, I guess you did
what you had to do. - Yeah.

And that's exactly
what I'm doing right now.

I got a business to run, Teeger.

So you wanna see more
of these or not?

- Fine. I'll be here.
- Good.

Where are you?

Ready? - Natalie.
I know what they're after.

- You do?
- Where's Julie?

Where, where's Julie?

This is my fire extinguisher.

I invented it myself using an oxygen tank,
some compressed air,

and an ordinary garden hose.

- Where is she?
- I don't know. I don't know.

- Oh, Stacy. Have you seen Julie?
- I think she's over there.

Captain, thank you for coming.

Okay, fill me in.

I know what they've been after.
Look.

- The moonrock?
- It's the most valuable rock in the world.

It's more valuable than any diamond.

A rock half this size
was sold in Japan for $2 million.

Okay. - Well, I knew that I had seen
that rock before somewhere.

It was in Julie Teeger's aquarium.

It was right in front of us the whole time.
Here's what happened.

There's a tour guide at the museum
named Peck. Lyle Peck.

Last weekend, he stole the moonrock.

It was probably Sunday night
after they closed.

He waited until the guards were
distracted or between shifts.

Peck has worked there for years.

He's practically a fixture,

so he definitely knew the routine.

Why didn't the museum report it?

The museum never missed it.
They didn't know it was stolen.

They still don't.

Peck replaced it with an exact duplicate.

Wait, you mean this
is just a regular rock?

Son of a bitch, I stood in line for half
an hour just to touch this stupid thing.

Right. But Peck had a problem.

He still had to get the moonrock
out of the building.

They were searching everybody.
Even the employees.

So since there was no way
for him to get it through security,

he had to improvise.

He hid the rock in the gift shop.

Inside one of those aquarium kits.

Then he marked the box.

He probably planned to
have his accomplice, Brian Lemmon,

pick it up the next morning.

But the girl got there first.

Exactly, Julie Teeger bought it
that morning and took it home.

The next day Peck tried to steal it,
posing as a meter reader.

When that didn't work,
Brian Lemmon broke in.

But he didn't count on Natalie waking up
or that pair of scissors.

- What?
- You're back.

- Natalie.
- This is Mr. Henry.

- We gotta grab that rock.
- Mr. Henry is a marble fish.

And most marble fish
only live for about a year.

But Mr. Henry is six years old,
and he's still as frisky as ever.

And that is thanks to my special diet

of ground-up vitamins,
rice crispies, and cucumbers.

Fire! It's on fire!

All right, everybody stay calm.

No running.
Stay calm.

Here use this.
It's a fire extinguisher.

Thanks, kid.

- What's in this?
- Turpentine.

He stole my fish!

- Hey!
- Peck!

Oh, god.

I got him.

Peck! Don't move.

On your face.

Look out, I got a fish here!

Coming through, flapping around!

Flapping fish here!

Oh, Monk! Monk.

- Get him.
- Get him. Hurry, hurry.

Look out! Coming through.

Coming through.

You saved him.

Pretty crazy day, huh?

Think you'll be able to sleep?

Yeah, I think so.
How's Mr. Henry?

Oh, he's fine.
He's a very brave fish.

Mr. Monk saved his life.

You know that moonrock is
worth over two million bucks?

But when Mr. Henry was in trouble,
Mr. Monk forgot all about that moonrock.

All he cared about was
saving Mr. Henry.

I could only think of
one other man in the whole

world who would have
done something like that.

- Daddy?
- Daddy.

- I love you, angel.
- Love you, too.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

Oh, sleep well.

Mr. Monk, it's Natalie Teeger.

Yeah, I was calling to see
if you still needed the assistant.

No, I can't come tonight.

Because I can't leave my daughter.

Okay, okay, okay, just relax.

How big is the spider?

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