Original subtitles

♫ Wilds away from anyone

♫ They were burning themselves out in the sun

♫ Wilds away from anyone

♫ They were burning themselves out in the sun

♫ There was just enough to get back on their way

- And give it up now

for everybody's favourite little brother,

- [Lockie Voiceover] There's a funny thing about families.

- Philip Leonard.

(applauding and cheering)

- [Lockie Voiceover] There's a public face,

that we like to show to the world.

- [Egg] And finally here he is,

the star of Laugh With the Leonards,

the lovelorn with the surfboard, it's Lockie Leonard.

(applauding and cheering)

- [Lockie Voiceover] And there's the private face,

the face we keep hidden away from everyone,

behind closed doors.

(gentle, suspenseful music)

You'd have to say that Saturday afternoons at the Leonards

is one of those times, when the last thing you need

is a studio audience.

(knocking on door)

- [Woman] Hello, anybody home?

- [Lockie Voiceover] Put it this way, Saturday afternoons

at the Leonards' is for immediate family members only.

(gentle, suspenseful music)

- [Woman] Hooey!

- Someone's here.

(gentle, suspenseful music)

- Hi!

Joy, isn't it?

Sunny, we met the other day at school, the musical

and we really hit it off.

- I thought we were going to see some rain today.

- Oh me too, it came over really cloudy earlier on.

- And then it fined up again.

- Yes, it did.

Oh yes, the musical, of course.

- I found this on the ground on the way in.

- Thank you.

Goodness me, Phillip, look at you,

middle of the afternoon, you're not even dressed.

- Mum, it's Saturday, we never get dressed

- Sunny, why don't you head on inside,

I do have to warn you though,

you have to take us as you find us.

- I'd love to but I was wondering

if I couldn't beg the biggest favour.

- Of course, you only have to ask.

(whistles)

- You remember my daughter Mel.

- Yes mum, you remember Mel.

She's the one that Lockie tried to kiss

and it all went horribly wrong.

- Hi!

(toilet flushes)

- [Joy] And you remember Lockie.

- Are you kidding me? That's so not gonna happen.

- Oh, wow.

- Thanks Joy, I'll pick her up tomorrow.

I know it's short notice but if I can nail this presentation

and the green expo,

Mel and I will be laughing all the way to the bank.

- Wow. Gosh.

- Righty oh, see you tomorrow chuck.

Bye! Thanks again for having Mel over!

- Mel is doing what?

- [Lockie Voiceover] And just when this nightmare

couldn't get any worse.

- [Sarge] Magnificent specimen of manhood coming through!

- Oh no, no please no.

- It's like a jungle out-

- Perhaps Lockie you'd like to take Mel

for a little walk, for an hour.

- At least.

- You sure you're cool about me staying over tonight?

I mean you didn't really get much say.

- You've only been here five minutes

and already seen my family in their underwear, so,

how can it get any worse.

- [Lockie Voiceover] Only if someone mentions

what happened the other day at the beach.

- Do you wanna talk about what happened the other day

at the beach?

- (laughs) Me? Nah. It's weird, it's like I can't even

remember much happening.

It's like I've forgotten the whole day.

- Even the bit where you tried to kiss me

and I told you to get lost?

- Really? Can't remember that bit.

- [Lockie Voiceover] The way I see it,

things have been fun

when the two of us got around being, well, mates.

But then everything changed.

(magical harp playing)

Like, big time.

If Mel was ever gonna quit laughing at me,

I had to get things back to the way they were.

- So do you wanna go kick a footie

or I don't know, maybe we could go drop some farts.

- Oh yeah, let's do that.

- Or do you wanna have a nose around inside that house?

- Wouldn't the people who live there have something to say?

- Oh no, nobody lives there.

It's been empty since we moved to Angelus.

(suspenseful music)

Where are you going?

Uhm, Mel, I was joking!

- It's unlocked!

- Yeah, great. Let's do it.

Okay, that's enough, let's go now.

Mel?

Mate?

I could live here.

It's cool.

- Next door, yeah, great.

Mind you, can't be all that bad living on a house boat.

- I'm guessing that's cos you've never had to.

Think toilets in a force 9 gale.

- We really should get a move on.

- Sure.

I guess everyone would be fully clothed by now.

(breathy laugh)

- If you would like to sit there, Mel,

in the good chair.

- I hope you're feeling peckish now.

- Sure am.

Yum, tuna Mornay!

- No, it's apricot beef.

- Right-oh.

Yum.

- Mel, about this morning.

I hope you don't think that just because it's a Saturday

that's an excuse for me getting around in a state of undress

- Of course I wouldn't do that.

- I can't remember the last time

mum wasn't dressed before noon.

- That's right, it never happens.

- Don't worry about it.

If we'd move somewhere out of the way,

mum and I don't bother with clothes at all.

- You mean you get around in the...

- Sure.

(suspenseful music)

- [Lockie Voiceover] No Lockie. Do not go there.

Think of something else.

- Haha, stupid Lockie.

I can't do this.

A stitch.

- Oh that's, that's very forward thinking

of you and your mum.

- Not to mention chilly.

(all laugh)

- You guys are hilarious.

- [Lockie Voiceover] Yeah, that'd be right.

After every embarrassing little thing Mel's seen

at the Leonards' today,

she'll have enough to keep her laughing out loud

for the rest of the century.

(old-time music)

- Hey mum! What's cooking?

- To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure!

(laughing track)

- There you go again,

you'd have to be the worst cook in the world.

(laughing track)

Well at least I managed to get dressed this morning.

- I can explain.

I've been working under cover.

(laughing)

Where's my boy Lockie?

(cheering and clapping)

Oh, why the long face son.

- I just tried to kiss a girl is all.

(audience awws)

- You, Lockie? Kiss a girl? Now that's funny.

(laughing)

- What is it Joy?

- Oh no, nothing important.

- Joy?

- It's from the people who decide

whether or not community radio station goes ahead or not.

Haha, that's all. I'll open it later.

- Thanks for dinner, it was yummy.

I'm just getting a glass of water.

- You have to open it now.

- No I can't, too nervous (chuckles)

- Mel, if you wouldn't mind. Read.

- Looks like you've been given the go ahead.

(Joyful screaming)

All you have to do is broadcast the pilot programme

by the end of tomorrow and you're all set.

- Tomorrow?

How long has that thing been sitting

in the back garden unnoticed?

- Surely there's room for leniency, read on.

- If you don't broadcast by the deadline

you'll licence offer will be revoked

and you won't get another chance. Ever.

That's good news.

- Yeah

- I'm just gonna go brush my teeth.

- Okay you need to get on the phone,

you need to contact some local talent

and be behind that microphone tomorrow.

- On the radio? Talking to myself?

Oh no, no no no no no, couldn't possibly do that.

No, I just, I'd just end up putting everybody to sleep.

Mel!

- Are you sure you'll be comfortable?

- It's cool, mum and I are used to sleeping anywhere.

- You'll be wearing appropriate sleep attire I hope.

- Nothing with trucks on them.

- Nothing? - That's what you mean.

- You can't possibly sleep in here, with us.

Mum! I sleepwalk, and I might tread on you!

- That's a good point Phillip.

Besides, we can't have you sleeping on the floor.

No, you're a guest.

(sigh of relief)

- I don't feel good about kicking you and Sarge

out of your bed.

- No arguments young lady.

- And you don't have to tuck me in, I can do it myself.

- Of course you can.

- Mrs Leonard?

- Mhm. - You missed a bit.

- That was a very close call.

- [Lockie Voiceover] Phillip wasn't kidding.

Having the spend the whole night

listening to my little brother snore

would have been the icing on the cake for Mel.

- I'm as broadminded as the next man,

but as far as clothes go, or the total lack of them,

there's a standard.

I mean, what if they gotta get something in the first place.

- [Lockie Voiceover] That's right.

And what if Mel and her mum really did move in next door.

And this 36 hours of stomach churning humiliation

turn into a lifetime.

(dooming music)

- Hey, we thought since Mel and I are just next door

and in need of a giggle,

we'd just barge in out of the blue and laugh at you.

(fake static)

- [Sarge] Hello everybody out there in radio land,

this is Angelus public radio,

coming to you for the very first time

(fake static)

- Oh do you really think I can do it?

- Excuse me,

not only do I think a certain walking miracle

by the name of Joy Leonard can do it,

alone if necessary,

I think the whole world is agog in anticipation,

at the triumph that is to come.

(Sarge makes fake static sound)

Seems to be a lot of static out there tonight,

I don't know where that's coming from.

(fake static)

(mellow eerie music)

- It's true Sarge,

the whole room filled with this unearthly light,

that can only be associated

with the highly developed form of space transport.

- I'd like to believe you Philip

but there's a more rational explanation.

Oh, there's your aliens.

Looks like they've moved in next door.

I think what you saw was the headlights

from the removaler's truck.

- Hi.

Hi, I'm Joe, I've just moved in.

What's your name? You up to much?

Wow, nice garden.

What are you guys doing for breakfast?

What do you happen to wear for cereal?

- Suppose we won't get to be neighbours

now that you know

- Joe

- Joe has moved in.

- What a pee.

- Hmm, shame.

- Fantastic work Mrs Leonard,

your milk to cereal ratio is spot on.

- Now then, plans for the day.

I have a community radio station to get running,

and Phillip has volunteered to help me

with the technical side of things.

- Not a problem.

- Count me in.

- [Joy] Sarge?

- The garden out there, it looks like a jungle

and I think I'm the man to tame it.

- Which just leaves Lockie and Mel.

- [Lockie Voiceover] Maybe the safest thing was to get

Mel out of the house.

At least that way she wouldn't find anything to laugh at.

- Well, I was going to go for a surf

and you're welcome to come along

and watch if you like, mate.

- That's okay, I am happy just to hang around the house.

- You do whatever you like Mel.

We just want you to feel right at home.

(rock music) (waves splashing)

- [Lockie Voiceover] Okay, I confess.

Eighteen hours into Mel's visit

and I've kind of lost the ability to think straight.

And being back at the scene of the crime made it even worse.

(Mel laughs)

- Promise me you'll never try to kiss me again

or I'll die of laughing!

(Mel's laughter echoes)

- Oh, okay, needs a bit of a clean doesn't it.

Goodness.

Phillip put that down.

Put that car there.

Alright come on, come on, come on.

- There's a little bit of work to do, but we'll be fine.

(clattering)

- Maybe it's for the best Phillip.

I mean, running a radio station.

You'd have to admit, bit of a pipe dream.

Probably end up with everybody laughing at me anyway.

(electricity crackles)

- Sorry, I'm not that familiar with the technology.

- Oh well, we tried.

- I'm pretty sure I can fix this.

(whirring and buzzing)

Testing testing.

- My goodness me, Joe.

Where'd you learn to do that?

And at your age.

- It's not that hard.

- There you go, we're on, we're broadcasting.

- So, are you telling me you've never had a garden,

never had a pet.

What, not even a ship's cat?

- Had a ship's goldfish once,

but I liberated him over the side.

(both laugh)

- [Lockie Voiceover] Okay.

If you think what I did before was dumb,

wait and see what I did now.

Yeah, go for it.

Pretty funny aren't we.

You had a good laugh at me at the beach after the musical,

you spent the whole weekend laughing at my family.

What's next,

you're gonna have a nice little giggle at my pet sheep?

- Nice one Lockie, what was that all about.

(radio crackling)

- Hello everybody out there in radio land,

and welcome to this, the first pilot broadcast

of radio Angelus, a community radio station for you,

the people of Angelus.

So first, some introductions.

My name is...

(microphone thuds)

- Mum, it's mum.

- No no no, my real name.

- Mrs Leonard.

(radio crackling)

Sorry for that momentary break in transmission.

My name is Mrs Leonard

and I'm going to be with you for the next hour or so

this afternoon.

I will be talking to you about,

well,

you know those things that really,

for example,

now some of you may not be aware of this but

sometimes my family and I eat our dinners off our laps.

Means no washing up until the next day.

Now by some mysterious process

which no one really understands,

a report gets sent out to all the other

known mums in the universe,

saying, Joy Leonards' house is a rubbish tin, pass it on.

(laughs) Don't ask me how, but it happens.

So, I thought it might be quite nice if you,

the people of Angelus called in and we had a chat about

whatever might be on your mind.

So, the lines are open.

(rapid beeping)

And we have a caller already.

Uhm, hello?

- Hi, I just wanted to say that even though certain people

who I won't mention by name,

might think that I'm just a big pain in the bum,

certain people should also know that

up until about ten minutes ago

I was having one of the best weekends I can ever remember.

In all sorts of ways.

For example, a certain person's mother

is a totally brilliant inventive cook,

and certain people might also want to know that

even though I laughed at a certain incident

that happened at the beach,

it was probably just because I was embarrassed

and I didn't wanna stop us from being mates.

- Well, if that is the case,

I think a certain person should call in and apologise.

- Yeah, well, they could if they liked.

(rapid beeping)

- Hello, it's a certain person here.

And I'd just like to say

I'm glad you called and had a really great weekend.

And she's welcome to come back and stay any time she likes.

- Really?

- Yeah, and a certain person would also like to say

he's sorry he's been such a loser lately.

When it was only a week ago that he thought you were

one of the best mates anyone could have.

- Well, I suppose you can't help being a loser,

seeing as how you are one.

- [Lockie Voiceover] So I guess what Mel was saying,

was that over the weekend she got a close up squeeze

at the Leonards', in their undies.

And strangely enough, she didn't think we were some weird

mutant family,

even on Saturday afternoons.

(rock song)