Original subtitles

L 'entre des passagers est a gauche, madame. Thanks.

Oui, madame.

I've lost my dog! He's gone!

My dog! We will find him, madame.

Madame est perdu son chien.

Oh, son chien!

Que est-ce? Sais pas.

Que est elle? Elle est La Princesse Olga!

Ah, oui. La Princesse Olga de Suede.

Your Highness.

Wait till I get my breath. Wait.

- Wait. - Wait. - Attendez.

All right. All right.

All right. Ca va.

Your Highness. Permit me, Your Highness. I'm Captain Nicholls.

It is with pleasure- We, too, are pleased.

What? Oh, I beg your pardon. My ship is honored.

It is with the deepest of pleasure - Oh, now, now, no pictures, no pictures.

No pictures? Oh, I beg your pardon. I was only trying to help.

Thank you, but I like my pictures in the papers.

People see, they say, ''Princess Olga of Sveden.''

So, if they like me, they like ''Sveden.''

That is the least that I could do for ''Sveden'' - I mean, Sweden.

So...

we are ready.

Thank you, Your Highness.

May you have a pleasant voyage, Your Highness.

It is sure to be one on your beautiful ship with so famous a commander.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Princess Olga of Sweden? Right.

What about this? Sir, I am the Lady Gertrude Allwyn,

lady-in-waiting and companion to Her Highness.

Right this way, Your Highness.

Oh, nay, we are so sorry, but no wireless.

This isn't radio, Your Highness. This is for the Associated Newsreel.

Oh. You wish we should speak in Swedish, French or Russian?

English, if you please. You know, the regular thing.

''Hello, everyone. I'm sailing today.''

By the way, Princess, where are you going? We go to Hollywood.

To see the stars? No, to be the stars. We go to make a picture.

You're going to act in the picture?

We have a contract. The contract says we act. We say nothing.

And what is the name of this picture? The name.

The name, please.

It's here, in the contract. Just a moment.

The story is from a novel entitled: Lavender and Old Lace,

but the name of the cinema has been changed to: She Done Him Plenty.

It will be changed again or we come home.

Have you a favorite movie star, Princess? Oh, ja,ja.

Would it be a male star? Oh, sure.

If the question isn't too personal, his name?

We tell you. Mickey ''Moosie.''

Please, Mr. Mantell, don't unpack.

This suite belongs to the princess.

We've been all over that. Easy on those silk shirts!

Who calls for the laundry on this canoe? I'm only doing my duty.

Well, do it someplace else.

But please, Mr. Mantell. I'll transfer you to a cabin every bit as good as this one.

I reserved the Royal Suite. I paid for it; I like it.

I don't see why I should get out.

There's been a mistake. There's royalty aboard.

This suite has been reserved for royalty.

Yeah? Well, in a quiet sort of a way, we're royalty ourselves.

That's King Mantell you're talkin' to. His band's known all over Europe.

And when it comes to playin' a concertina, he's tops.

Don't forget that, sailor.

Mr. Mantell, I beg of you. I implore you!

I'm a bighearted guy. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll share the Royal Suite. We'll draw a line-

No, that's impossible. Then I'll match her for who gets it.

You're making it very difficult.

You figure it out. I'm staying.

Let's move and quit arguin'. What's the difference where we sleep?

Tuck in your shirt. We're staying.

Your Highness.

We are rather crowded, nay?

Your Highness, I tried, but he refuses to leave.

Refuses to leave? Why?

There's been a slight mistake, Your Highness. Now get this straight.

This suite belongs to the princess.

Now get out before I throw you out. Uh, boys, the bags, out.

Hey, what is this? Come on. I said get out, get out.

Don't you know royalty when you see it?

- This is very annoying. - I'm terribly sorry.

I reserved this suite before I knew Your Highness was to be aboard,

and, unfortunately, my companion objected to leaving.

I trust Your Highness isn't upset by the way things got, uh, screwed up.

Screwed up?

We are quite satisfied. Now if you will favor us with your departure.

Oh, sure. Well, I hope Your Highness has a nice trip.

And if at any time I can be of service, just give me a buzz at-

- What's my new cabin number? - B-81, sir.

Just give me a buzz at - Good day.

Huh? Her Highness said good day.

Oh. Well, good day.

We regret this inconvenience, Your Highness.

- It won't happen again, Your Highness. - This is all right.

Come in.

What, again?

I, uh, forgot my razor. Pardon me.

Of course, if either of you have any use for a razor, I'd be glad to-

Oh.

A razor? What a vulgar person!

Heavens! That fellow is taking a bath!

What are you doing?

Your Highness, there's something wrong with your tub.

What? You see, the water runs in and it runs out,

but it runs out faster than it runs in.

I discovered it this morning. You can't take a bath in that much water.

Well, if you're a ''ploomber,'' why don't you fix it?

I'm not a ''ploomber,'' but I think I could fix it. Have you got a screwdriver?

A screwdriver? Her Highness is not in the habit...

of going about with a screwdriver on her person.

Please go away. Well, I was only trying to help.

May I suggest that when you want to take a bath, that you take a shower?

Or, of course, there's always the ocean.

I'd like to smack that guy right in the kisser.

Fine talk.

Do you realize he almost grabbed the Royal Suite from under our feet?

Just the same, princesses do not go around smacking young men in the kisser.

Visitors ashore, please.

Well, how'd you make out?

She was a little cold. Remember, she's a princess.

Why should I remember? And even if I wanted to, how could I?

I didn't want to stay in that sissy cabin.

Did you see that hair? That's what you call a royal blonde.

Open the trunk. What's the idea?

You oughta know my technique by now: flowers, music, wine.

Then I have to find out if there's a husband.

There's the one you used on the Italian countess.

No, that's no good. Remember, she swam back.

Every dame I went out with brought along water wings. How about this?

Yeah. I'm going to fix it with the purser so I can sit at Her Highness's table.

Hey, she's royalty, and everybody knows who you are.

You couldn't make the grade if they gave you Radio City.

Yeah? They just gave me Radio City. Twelve weeks at my own terms.

You will see that the Princess Olga has every possible convenience.

Yes, sir. Naturally, you advised Her Highness...

that she would sit at my table?

Yes, sir. Any other suggestions?

There are five important police officials aboard, sir. Police?

They're sailing for an international convention in New York.

Would you like them at your table, sir?

I don't even want them on my ship. They're troublemakers.

I'd rather be followed by a seagull flying upside down.

I've seen it happen again and again.

Trouble's their business. They love it so much it follows them around.

If I'd known they were going to be aboard-

A message, sir. Important.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it!

Come in.

More flowers!

Oh, they must have set us back plenty.

Oh, they're not expensive.

They are what is known to the trade as funeral flowers.

I don't care, Gertie. I like flowers even when we send them to ourselves.

Well, we sent them to ourselves... from every prince in Europe.

Oh, Gertie, you think of-

''King Mantell.'' King? Aren't you smearing it a bit?

King Mantell? I never even heard of the blighter.

I gave a hundred francs for that myself,

and I put in Prince Curt Linden of Swartsheld's card.

I distinctly remember doing it.

I think I smell a ''moosie.'' Huh?

What is that?

Why, it's- it's one of those things-

You know, come-to-you, go-from-you things.

A concertina. And very vulgar.

A definite symbol of the lower classes.

Put the thing on the floor and it crawls.

But I like it.

Who is making that appalling noise?

Mr. King Mantell, Your Ladyship.

Will you kindly tell this Mantell person to stop at once?

The princess cannot endure the concertina.

Very good, Your Ladyship.

Mantell, eh?

Now I know he's no good.

My dear, I am an old woman. I have traveled at home and abroad.

And never, never have I known any good to come out of a concertina.

A message from Princess Olga.

What'd she say?

The princess says your music stinks.

My name's Cragg. I understand the captain wishes to see me.

Oh, yes, Inspector. Mr. Lorel, this is Mr. Cragg of Scotland Yard.

Mr. Lorel is of the Paris S�ret�.

Lorel, of course. We had some correspondence last year. Forgery, wasn't it?

Yes, monsieur. You were very helpful.

Won't you be seated? The captain's expecting other gentlemen,

and he'll be here himself almost any moment.

What's up, Purser? Is it something urgent?

The captain will have to give you the details.

It seems something has happened aboard which requires attention.

Hello, Steindorf'. Oh, my good friend, Cragg.

Now begins already a pleasant voyage.

Monsieur Lorel. How do you know?

Oh, elemental. Your clothes are Paris,

your nose is of the S�ret�, I'm a detective,

and just between us, you were pointed out to me.

Monsieur, Conan Doyle would have loved you.

Ah, my friend, Inspector Cragg.

And now comes the Russian police.

You know everybody, Morevitch. Hello.

I'll sit here, please. Already my feet ache.

Why has the captain sent for us?

Something important, the purser said.

Important to him or to us?

Oh, gentlemen, I'm sorry to mar the pleasure of your voyage.

Won't you sit down?

But an emergency has arisen concerning the safety of my passengers.

This message from Police Headquarters in Paris will explain the situation.

''Paul Merko, murderer condemned to the guillotine,

escaped from prison two days ago'' - May I?

''We have information that Merko is aboard your ship. Signed, Veiller.''

What stupidity! Unbelievable! Who's stupid?

Where's the description? All they give us is the name, the first thing he will change.

Probably Lorel can give us information.

No, I'm sorry, messieurs. I was not connected with the case.

Gentlemen, Mr. Kawati of ImperialJapanese Secret Service.

He arrives, as usual, when everything is nearly over.

How do you do?

Mr. Kawati, apparently there's a conspiracy afoot...

to put us to work. I have already heard.

I seem to recall reading something about Merko.

Wasn't he the chap who evaded arrest for so many months disguised as a woman?

The same. Another time, an Armenian rug peddler.

He's known to be an actor. He speaks seven languages.

Clever rascal. Inconsiderate rascal, if you ask me.

We are on a vacation.

What brought you out of the woodwork?

The usual thing. Going to New York on business.

I heard you and your band in Paris.

You're a great success these days, aren't you, my dear fellow?

Darcy, any time you pat a guy on the back, you've got a knife in your hand.

What do you want? You know my weakness.

Anything that concerns a public character interests me.

Don't tell me you're still wearing a silk hat and a black mustache.

You wouldn't be trying your old shakedown racket on me, would you?

My dear fellow, of course not.

Whatever you're selling, we don't want any.

The fact is- and not to bore you with a long story- I'm rather short of funds.

I've gone over the passenger list looking for, uh, friends.

And would you believe it,Joe, there are just three people in the entire ship's list...

that would be glad to let me have a little assistance.

Just two, Darcy. Scratch me off the list.

Now... you're a public figure. You want to enjoy this trip.

You want a great reception in New York.

Be too bad, wouldn't it, if certain people were told...

that you had a prison record in the United States?

That's going back a bit, isn't it? [ have a good memory.

You must have. I was hardly out of knee pants.

I made a kid's mistake, and I paid for it. It's no good, Darcy.

Did a year, didn't you?

Long enough to knock some sense into me. I met some charming people there.

That's where I learned to play the concertina.

Now let's see. How much shall we say?

Well, that depends on how much you can take.

Wait a minute. Don't hit him. Take care of those hands.

Why, you!

You've had your last chance, Mantell.

Oh, uh, pardon me. Inspector Lorel? Yes, monsieur.

I have some rather interesting information for you.

Well, later, monsieur. Now I have an appointment with the captain.

Anytime, at your convenience.

Shall we say in 20 minutes?

I'll come to your stateroom. Monsieur.

Do I toss him to the sharks?

Don't you like sharks? But that was a cop.

Cop? Sure. This barge is alive with 'em.

What is this, a prison ship? It ain't healthy.

Detectives don't worry me, and I'll take care of Darcy.

Are you gonna slap the mug and ask for the next dance?

There's only one way to handle these shakedown guys. Show 'em they can't get anyplace by shoving you around.

I get it. Give 'em a lesson and make it permanent, huh?

If you want to do something, fix it so I can get next to the princess.

Leave it to me. I can handle those dames. I knew a princess once.

Ahh! Well, she was different. Her name was Fatima.

She did... one of those things.

Leave it to me, will ya?

May I, Your Highness? Please do.

I had once the pleasure of meeting your distinguished grandfather.

Oh, so. But- But I have two grandfathers, you know.

Ja, but the one I mean has the beard.

Oh, that one! And such a long beard.

When we were children, we used to swing from it.

When Your Highness's uncle, Prince Rudolph of Stralheim,

paid his last visit to London, [ was detailed to guard him.

Oh, ja. Poor, dear Uncle Rudie.

Somebody was always shooting at him.

In my country, they shoot at everybody's uncle.

Let me tell you about your grandfather-

though I only meet him once, and that's 12 years ago.

Height about 5 feet 2; eyes, blue;

weight, about 190; and that beard.

Correct, Highness?

I could not better describe him myself. You are very observant.

Oh, ja. Nothing ever escapes my attention.

Will you please give me my things?

With pleasure.

Oh, my bag! It is gone!

Gone?

Feeling badly, gentlemen?

Her Highness's bag. Most extraordinary thing!

It was here a moment ago. Someone took it.

There you are.

What's this? Her RoyalJob Lot's leather.

Where did you get it? She lost it.

Are you sure? Certainly. I saw her lookin' for it.

Where was she when you snatched it? On the poop deck.

I oughta break your neck. I'm only tryin' to do you a favor.

That Swede's been bouncin' you around since we got on.

Didn't you ask me to fix it? Yeah.

Okay, it's all fixed. What do you mean?

You take the poke back. She's gotta thank you.

Yeah. If I can convince her I didn't steal it myself.

Well, that's up to you. I've done my part.

Pardon me, Princess. Is this what you're looking for?

Oh, my bag! So you have found it. How can I ever thank you?

Well, that's easy. How?

Well, I'm afraid if I ask you, you'll set me down again.

Oh, nay. We give you permissi�n to speak out. Please go ahead.

Then, uh, what are the chances of a princess like you...

having cocktails tonight with a guy like me?

- She might. - Does that mean she will?

Well, I said ''she might.'' We do not even know your name.

It's Mantell. King Mantell.

Mantell. So it was you who sent us those beautiful flowers.

Well, I'll be honest. I didn't send them; I pinched them.

Pinched? Yes, I took them.

So, we see. We knew you pinched them.

Now I suppose our date's off.

I do not say so. I think it would be very pleasant.

Good. There's just one more thing that'd make the day perfect.

What is that? If only you'd like my concertina.

Now I will be honest with you.

I do like it. You do? I thought you said-

Shh! It is a secret just between us. It must never come out.

I had a hunch that underneath that royal front you were okay.

You know, concertina playing takes a lot of hard work. I've given my life to it.

Oh, so? Yeah, you have to make your fingers talk.

You play it this way.

Ohhh! Oh, my bag!

Oh, my handkerchief. They get all wet.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get it.

I'm taking an awful chance with these man-eating sharks, but for you, Princess-

You are so brave. You are not hurt? No.

Oh, my ''poof''!

''Poof''? My powder poof.

All right. Can I help you?

Oh, my handkerchief, it is ''vet.''

Yeah, your money, it is ''vet'' too. Uh, Swedish.

I'll wring it out for you.

Oops, I almost doubled it. I better get you some more.

Oh, it is all right. It is still good.

Scram.

What did you say?

Oh, ''scram.''

In Swedish it means ''the interview is ended.''

Lady Allwyn, it is my pleasure to present Mr. King Mantell to you.

How do you do? How do you do?

We are going to have cocktails with him this evening.

That so? Yes, I'll try to bring along a boyfriend for you.

I'll, uh, try.

Well, so much for the files of Marseille and Bordeaux. Not very helpful, I'm afraid.

Now we'll see what Paris has to say.

''Paul Merko, French. Medium height.

''Weight, about 75 kilos. Brown hair. Dark eyes.

No scars or other marks of identification. ''

And that is all, messieurs, except his measurements, which you can read for yourselves.

Comrades, it is still useless. Why?

Because first you must catch the man to measure him.

After you have caught the man, what good are the measurements?

Come, come. [t's too soon to retreat from Moscow.

This Merko is not on board. [ have an intuition.

Well, not being a detective and having no intuitions,

['ve started a search of the ship.

With over 1,200 people on board, [ realize it may be hopeless.

Oh, nothing is hopeless for a good detective.

If Paul Merko is on board, I'll find him.

Yes.

Many times I start with less than that and I am successful.

Did any one of you order these drinks?

Not I. No.

Did you? No.

Well, I don't remember ordering them.

In fact, I know I didn't.

Why should I get a tray of drinks that I didn't order?

Yes, sir.

Did you bring this tray in? No, sir.

You didn't? But why not?

I'm sorry, sir. Why didn't you bring this tray in?

You didn't order it. I know I didn't, but someone brought it.

Whom did you ring for? I didn't ring for anyone.

If you hadn't rung, I wouldn't be here.

I'm talking about this tray of drinks. Do you wish another tray?

No, I don't want any tray of drinks. Very well, sir.

Thank you, comrade.

Captain Nicholls, sir. Yes?

Checking the passenger list, we found one passenger missing. Missing?

B-50. Registered to Mr. Petroff.

His luggage came aboard, but we cannot locate Mr. Petroff.

He would miss the boat. I know thousands of Petroffs, and they miss everything.

If he's aboard, find him and report to me. Yes, sir.

What do you expect me to do, sit around and twiddle my thumbs?

There are plenty of proper gentlemen on board...

without you drinking with a concertina squeezer.

You enjoyed the cocktails, didn't you?

The first five or six. After that, I was bored.

Oh, darling, don't be silly. He's not hard to look at.

As a matter of fact, he's nice. Did you notice those shoulders?

Ahh! When you get to my age-

He found my bag, didn't he? Bags don't have legs. He stole your bag.

Of course he stole it. I'm trying to tell you. He has a sense of humor.

Nevertheless, we cannot afford to take chances.

We're skating on pretty thin ice as it is.

You'll let something slip. The man's using you!

Darling, you are crazy. You are pulling things out of the air.

Come now, we go to dinner, toots.

Good evening, ladies. My name is Darcy. What do you want?

I'm sorry, but you see, I happen to be a close friend of Mr. George Marson,

the theatrical agent in London.

Then, sir, you are intruding.

This is the suite of Her Highness, Princess Olga of Sweden.

And Wanda Nash of Brooklyn. What do you want?

It's a little late in the day to talk business,

but still-

May I come in?

King.

I just saw Darcy go into the Royal Suite.

Yeah? Are you sure it was Darcy?

Sure. Rats like that don't come in pairs.

There's nothing crooked about it. In a little while, I'll tell him myself.

I had to do something. We were stranded, miles from home, broke.

You know a girl can't walk into a studio and get a job. I've tried everything.

They call it obtaining money under false pretenses.

Well, no one will be hurt by what we're doing.

No one but Transatlantic Films.

They'll get their money's worth. The child has talent.

She'll be a star, and the worid will laugh at this.

You don't have to sell me, giris. I'm on your side.

I'm cheering for you.

Now, how much shall we say?

Oh, what's the use, Gertie? We might as well pay him off.

This all? All we've got.

How about the crown jewels? I've been admiring that ring.

Now get out.

You know, you giris got me wrong.

I'm not a bad guy at heart. For your tips.

Just a moment. What assurance have we that you won't do this again?

My professional honor, Your Highness.

He shook her down. What could he have on a princess?

Plenty, from the size of the roll.

He had something on three people. She's number two. I hope I'm the third.

Duchess, my corns are just like a thermometer.

I can tell what the weather's gonna be like.

For heaven's sake, man, what are you muttering about?

Oh, no harm, Duchess. Just trying to make a little conversation.

I got a line that'll surprise you. I can talk on anything. ''Literatoor.''

How nice, Mr. Benton. Have you read Burke's critique on James Joyce?

Or I can talk on sports. Take Terry McGovern.

There was a fellow with a left hook.

All he had to do was hit you in the chin...

and break every bone in your ankle.

I dance, Princess, because it keeps me fit.

Oh, that is very important. I have an uncle who chops down trees.

Excuse me, Your Highness. Pardon me, Doctor, but a child on ''B'' deck swallowed a whistle.

Good gracious! It was a very small child and a very large whistle.

''B'' deck? I'm sorry, Your Highness.

May I take up the operation where the doctor left off?

A small child and a large whistle?

No kidding. When they held him upside down, he whistled ''Yankee Doodle.''

Now which one is it in?

That one.

How jolly! Let's do it again.

I can't understand that. When the fellow showed it to me, it worked.

And at the coronation, it took 20 little giris...

to carry the train of my grandmother's dress.

That's nothing. On payday, it took four cops to carry my grandfather.

You are insufferable. In my grandmother's day you would lose your head.

You don't have to go back that far, Princess.

I think we have danced enough.

I asked for it. I'm sorry. I want you to know one thing:

If you're ever in any kind of trouble, you can count on me.

Oh, why do you think I should be in any trouble?

This is a strange ship, and there are some very odd people aboard.

Ja, and the oddest of them all is you.

Thank heaven this day is over!

Such a crowd, my dear. I don't mind people stepping on my feet,

but I do object to them loitering there.

I had a good time. Who said, ''Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown''?

You know, I was a married woman before I knew...

that kings didn't sleep with their crowns on.

Where do they put them, under the bed?

And now for the royal bed-

No, no, Gertie, don't. You mustn't go in there.

Good gracious, child. What's the matter?

Don't move. Keep very still.

I'll be right back.

See who it is.

Please, you come to my room. Something has happened.

Why, certainly. Thank you.

I don't know how you do it.

Didn't you see her face? She's in trouble.

But why Mantell? Of all the men on board, why ask his help?

Because he likes me.

What can I do for you, Princess?

Will you please look in that room?

Darcy.!

Ohh!

We know nothing. When we came in just now, he was there like that.

I'd better call the captain. Where's the phone?

Oh, don't do that.

Surely you can realize how distressing this situation is for Her Highness.

Yes, I can understand that. How much did you give him?

Fifty pounds and-

The money's gone.

What is it, please?

A radiogram for Her Royal Highness.

Put it under the door, please.

It's from Transatlantic Films.

Probably good-bye to Transatlantic Films.

It's about our hotel reservations.

He's gone. A lot of help he's been.

What happens now?

Where'll I put it? Anywhere.

Now forget everything that's gone on here. It never happened.

But if they come to me with questions?

Give 'em that royal freeze you gave me. Oh, I'm so sorry-

Now, Princess, don't lose your nerve. Get up on deck, where people will see you.

Keep moving. Do you get the idea?

Murder. Murder. A fine thing for my ship.

The man was a notorious blackmailer. We ran him out of Paris.

I say!

Lorel, Steindorf, what do you make of this?

It was caught on Darcy's cuff link.

A blonde hair. And a woman's.

Very significant. Then we have a very strange coincidence.

A passenger list? Three names are marked.

With Darcy's pencil. Medium soft lead.

And the names? ''Princess Olga.''

Gentlemen, you're insane. Her Highness's name on a blackmailer's list?

Why not? There are two other names.

Mantell, our friend of the concertina - and Petroff.

Yes, but Her Highness.

Captain, my theory is that Darcy knew Petroff was really Paul Merko.

He came in here, tried to extort money from him,

went too far, and Merko killed him.

Very good. Only Darcy wasn't killed in this room.

Huh? What?

A child can see there are no bloodstains on the bed.

The body was put here after the murder.

With your permissi�n, Captain, I suggest we question these two people.

Question Her Highness? When it is murder, we question everybody.

What are you thinking of? You can't question the princess.

I say, old man, we're not suggesting a third degree.

I can't permit it.

Unfortunately, Captain, the murderer is still aboard your ship.

Exactly. And your duty is towards your passengers.

Well, I suppose so.

Operator, this is Captain Nicholls.

Connect me with the suite of the Princess Olga.

It is very late, but if we can help you.

It is very considerate. We'll be as brief as possible.

Does Your Highness recall a gentleman by the name of Darcy?

Darcy?

Robert M. Darcy, blackmailer and confidence man.

Gentlemen, do you realize your inexcusable impertinence?

Impertinence, perhaps; but hardly inexcusable, madame.

Murder is its own excuse. Murder?

This blackmailer, what did you say his name was?

Darcy. We found his body in B-50.

So? But why do you come to us?

Your Highness will be surprised to learn...

that your name was ticked off on a passenger list in the dead man's pocket.

The names of two other passengers were also marked.

Madame will understand the need of investigating.

We understand.

These other two, are they persons of importance?

Their names are Nicolai Petroff and King Mantell.

Maybe they can help you.

We are very sorry we cannot give you any information.

Good night.

The fact that you have admitted us, Your Highness, has been a great help.

Good night.

They cannot suspect us of the murder.

Not while I'm Princess Olga, but how long will that last now?

Darcy? I've never heard of him.

Did you hear any noise or excitement in the next cabin?

No, nothing. Where did you spend the evening?

Right here. Did you entertain a visitor?

No, nobody was here. You were alone?

Well, practically. I was with Benton.

Yeah, we were both alone.

Well, Captain?

Have you any more questions, gentlemen? I think not at present.

Well, anytime at all, boys. Good night.

Good night.

Just like the good old days.

Absolute proof, gentlemen, that Darcy was in the stateroom of the princess.

Not so fast, Doctor.

I found this cigarette, half smoked, in Mantell's cabin.

It is not the brand smoked by Mantell.

So we discover that Darcy was also in Mantell's cabin.

Have you other gentlemen any clues that you are keeping to yourselves?

Kawati? Yes.

In the princess's cabin, I found this.

A concertina. Mantell.

So there is a close connection between the princess and Mantell.

We must find out what it is.

Now, gentlemen, don't jump to conclusions.

The princess is a guest of the line.

We cannot subject her to indignities.

It's ridiculous to presume she had any connection with this crime.

It is ridiculous to presume otherwise, Captain.

But my friends, they go too fast.

Before we can proceed, there is one other person we must question.

Petroff. And where is he, gentlemen?

Gentlemen, it's past midnight.

May [ suggest that you sleep on the matter?

Ja. We have much to think about. Good night.

What's wrong? My ring.

Ring? The one Darcy took. My name's engraved in it.

Oh, my stars and garters!

But you can't go prowling about at 3:00 in the morning.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get that ring.

Any particular reason?

Well, it keeps the hair out of my eyes.

Where'd you get the ring?

Hmm? You heard me. Where'd you get it?

Oh, there's a little thing I picked up for 1,000 bucks.

How much? Five hundred dollars.

Come on. Well, anyhow, I picked it up.

Yeah, you picked it out of Princess Olga's purse.

I did not. I picked it out of Darcy's pocket.

Quiet.

''Wanda Nash.'' Huh?

Stick with it, will you, fellows? We've got that ship's concert.

It's liable to be a tough house, and besides, we're playing for royalty.

I'm sorry I'm late, gentlemen. I've been busy.

Very busy.

But I've solved the problem of the murder.

My word! What? Who did it?

I will tell you when I have completely finished writing my report.

If you gentlemen will come to my cabin at 8:00 this evening,

I will give you the name of the murderer and show you positive proof.

You too, Kawati.

One thing more.

You will please ask Princess Olga and Mr. Mantell...

to come to my cabin five minutes before 8: 00.

It is important that I should see them.

Good morning, Your Highness. They told me I'd find you here.

Good morning, Mr. Mantell. Please, won't you sit down?

Good morning, Lady Allwyn. Mr. Mantell.

I'm coming right down to cases.

We're going to be asked a lot of questions, and very soon.

It would help if we all told the same story.

We have no story, Mr. Mantell.

Neither have we anything to conceal. Precisely.

Okay, Princess. But suppose one of these smart guys...

wants to know why Darcy tried to shake you down.

Shake us down? We do not understand.

I mean blackmail.

Mr. Mantell, nothing could be farther from the truth.

I was the victim of that unhappy man's perfidy.

You? By some foul means,

Darcy became acquainted with my youthful indiscretion.

Mr. Mantell, it was a terrible scandal.

Great names were involved. Last night he came to our cabin...

and demanded more money than [ possessed.

When he grew nasty, Her Highness came to my rescue.

Stripping a ring from her finger,

she flung it at the fellow and bade him be gone forever.

Was the ring valuable?

It was a small emerald.

And I suppose you want me to get it back.

Oh, if it is possible.

Princess, your ring is practically in my pocket right now.

Good morning, Your Highness, Lady Allwyn, Mr. Mantell. Captain's compliments.

Dr. Steindorf requests you to be in his cabin tonight at five minutes before 8: 00.

Did he say why? No, sir.

Okay, thank you. Yes, sir.

I think it would be better if you didn't go.

Just leave it to me. Oh, and Duchess, that story you told me-

it's swell; stick to it.

Who did it, Steindorf? Can you hear me? Who did it?

Call the doctor. Have the doctor come to B-35.

Give me a hand. Let's get him to the bed. He's badly wounded.

He's still alive, but he's going fast.

B-35.

Who was it, Doctor? Who was it? Was it Merko? Paul Merko?

Pass... port.

Pardon, monsieur.

When you came in this cabin, you saw no one else?

No one. Princess Olga?

She wasn't here. But her appointment.

- Well? - May I suggest that Mr. Mantell be excused...

while we conduct a thorough investigation of this cabin.

You'll, of course, be prepared to answer any questions we may ask after the investigation.

Certainly. And Princess Olga, Inspector?

And the Princess.

It's the finish, Gertie. I can't see why.

You're innocent.

Forget the murders. I can't stand investigation.

They're bound to find out who I am: Wanda Nash, mixed up in a couple of murders.

Pretty, isn't it?

The fact remains: You are innocent.

And truth, crushed to earth, shall rise again.

That recalls my biggest success.

''One Against All,'' it was called.

The best third act that ever was written.

Are you listening? Yes, I'm listening.

Suddenly, I electrified the audience.

I rose to my full height. ''Gentlemen!'' I cried.

''[ may be only a weak woman, but [ am not afraid.

''Truth, crushed to earth,

shall rise again!''

Thanks, Gertie. What're you going to do?

You've given me a swell idea. ['m getting dressed. ['ll put an act on that'll stop 'em.!

And that takes us back again to Mantell. And the Princess.

Both of them must be thoroughly investigated. Oh, not the Princess.

Why not? After all, what do we really know about her?

- We must immediately communicate with Stockholm.

Her Royal-

Your Highness. I demand to know of what you dare to accuse me.

Your Highness, may I ask- Questions, questions.

We of royal blood do not answer questions.

We ask them. What reason have you to connect me with this murder?

Well, I don't. Personally - Not you, but these gentlemen.

What proof they have? They have no proof. Merely theories.

Some perfume - Just as we thought! We are insulted with theories.

If there is any more, we will send radio to Sweden.

We will notify our government. We will ask to be protected.

We will demand aeroplanes, submarines, battleships - That is not necessary.

I will personally guarantee, on my honor,

that you will be subjected to no more indignities.

I am still in command of this ship.

And on the high seas, my word is law.

Very well, then. We trust you.

We are only a weak woman, but we are not afraid.

Truth, crushed to the earth,

will rise again.

Whew!

What a woman! A blonde tiger-cat!

I suggest that you do something about finding Merko...

before you annoy that charming lady again.

Two murders have been done, and you haven't even found a stowaway!

Hello, Mr. Mantell. I'm beginning to get on to your system.

System? Yes, it's only every other time that you don't speak to me.

Let me in on the joke. I could use a giggle or two.

It is no joke. I am feeling very happy today.

Must be the ocean. I never knew there was so much water in the worid.

There has to be a lot of it. Why?

So people can drink their eight glasses a day.

You are crazy. People do not drink the ocean!

Fish do. Fish are not people!

Wouldn't it be nice if they were?

I wonder what a princess fish would do if she ran into a concertina-player fish?

She would probably swim by him every other time.

Your Highness. [ don't know how to express my regrets, but-

Pardon me, Princess. Please do not go away.

I just received this from the owners of the line.

I must proceed with the investigation...

regardless of rank or person.

I have told you, I shall notify my government.

Your Highness is quite at liberty to do so.

We ourselves may communicate with Sweden this afternoon.

We understand, Captain. We thank you for your courtesy.

I suggest that you wireless your government as soon as possible.

Bad news, huh? How do you mean?

Show a little of that royal blood, would you? They haven't counted you out yet.

We do not know what you are talking about.

Pull yourself together. I've got an idea.

Princess Olga? I'm sorry to disturb you again, Your Highness.

It won't be necessary to send a message to your government.

Oh! So?

Mr. Mantell just left my cabin.

He has promised to reveal the name of the murderer.

Yes. Tonight. After the ship's concert.

Thank you, Captain.

Well, what do you know about that?

I'm savin' this page for your obituary notice!

I can see it now: ''King Mantell Gets Himself Bumped Off for a Dame.''

And right here will be a picture of you with a knife in your back.

Where will you get two cents to buy a paper?

I ain't lettin' no dame make a ninny out of me.

What's up?

The captain just phoned me.

You're not going through with it! What's all this?

Nobody but a madman would do it! After Steindorf? It's suicide!

Well, Her Highness seems to have fallen off her horse.

Never mind about my horse. Okay, Wanda.

The captain says-

What did you say? ''Okay, Wanda.''

I said it was practically in my pocket.

Why didn't you tell me? I thought it'd be nice if you told me yourself.

There's some more that goes with it. Yeah.

I started in South Brooklyn, chorus, cheap nightclub,

waiting for a break and- Go on.

Well, I met Gertie in London. Poor old Gertie. Hit on our little idea.

We gave Hollywood a title, and they gave us a contract.

How do you like it?

Wanda Nash is all right with me.

Now that you know everything, please don't go through with it.

I have to. It's gone this far. If you know, why don't you tell them now?

I would if I knew. The point is, I don't. Then why did you say you did?

Because to catch a rat you have to have cheese. I don't get it.

I'm the cheese. When the rat comes to nibble, bang goes the trap.

With the cheese in it. Not if it's a smart piece of cheese.

You can't take a chance like that. I won't let you! Hey, where are you going?

To tell the truth. They can investigate me till they're dizzy.

I'm not gonna let you get your throat cut.

You've got this thing all mixed up. Who said I was doing it for you?

- B-But then, who are you doing it for? - For me.

You've heard of that thing called publicity.

Climb back in that Swedish accent of yours and-

- What are you talking about? - It's simple. Nobody gives a hoot about Wanda Nash.

Princess Olga is news. Front page.

It isn't every day that a concertina player gets to tie up with a princess.

You've been in show business. You know what ['m talking about.

Yeah, I know. But I was dumb enough to think you were doing it for me.

Well, now you know I'm not.

I think I'll run along now and let you have a good laugh all by yourself.

You just keep your head, and there'll be more than laughs in it for both of us.

You get it?

I think I get it. But you get this: I don't owe you a thing.

Once we're in the clear, you go your way and I'll go mine.

Okay, if that's the way you want it. That's the way I want it.

You're walkin' right into it! All them people. You'll never know what hit you.

Will you quit worrying? I've got this figured out.

That's what Steindorf thought. Now look at him! Put this in your pocket.

All I want you to do is stick around. Close.

I'll stick around, but I ain't no Charlie Chan.

When I'm picking that guy's sewing kit out of your back, don't say I didn't tell you.

It's working out.

Yeah. It's workin' out swell.

You ain't goin' up there now, are you? Why not?

I don't know why you want to trade your concertina for a harp!

Aw, come on. Let's go.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have another treat for you.

King Mantell, Monarch of the Concertina, and his band.

A bashful troubadour am I

With so much in my heart to say

I have no way of telling you how much I love you

So I play

My concertina

Reveals my soul

When I lose my control of pretty phrases

It sings your praises

My concertina

Helps me express the song ofhappiness

That love has brought me

The song you taught me

Oh, my concertina

Gives me away

It knows that while I play I'm thinking of you

[t says [ love you

So to convey my love

I play

My concertina

Do you think it is safe for Mr. Mantell to be alone now?

No, madame. Someone should certainly be with him.

Would you then, as a favor to us all, stay near him?

Yes, madame, if he will permit.

Oh, thank you. We all shall be very grateful. Mmm.

Whew.! Boy, am [ glad that's over. [ was shakin' like a plate ofjelly.

It isn't over yet. Plant yourself near lifeboat 23. I'll be there.

Why? Why? That's the whole idea.

Whoever we want won't try anything here. He'll get me alone.

The minute he starts something, you come in.

Top deck, lifeboat 23. Is that clear? You bet it's clear.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

the Princess Olga has graciously consented to pass among you...

taking contributions for the Seaman's Fund.

Will the Princess now start putting on the ''bee''?

Are you really going to tell us the name of the murderer?

I hope so. Then you must be prepared for attack.

I'm waiting for it. Oh, but not here.

This killer is very clever. He will wait until you are in a more secluded place.

Hmm. It's funny that you should say that.

That's exactly how I figured it.

Thank you, Inspector.

I'm working on the idea that Darcy was a blackmailer interested in three people.

Two: Princess Olga and yourself. Petroff did not sail.

But chances are that Petroff saw Darcy on the boat and slipped off.

It is possible. I suppose you didn't spot Darcy coming aboard. Was he alone?

No. The first time I saw Darcy was in Petroff's cabin.

Dead.

Well, I think I'll take a turn on the top deck.

You care to come along? Yes, I think it would be safe.

I'm beginning to appreciate your interest in me. Thank you.

You sent for me? Yes. It's only fair to acquaint you...

with the new and extremely significant clue...

to the murder of Darcy. Yes?

This banknote has been positively identified as belonging to Darcy.

It was undoubtedly taken from his pocket by the man who killed him.

So far, so good. Do you recognize it?

Yes. I put it in your basket.

But [ had no idea- Of course.

You want to know how it came into my possessi�n. Yes. Do you remember?

Very well. I won it in a game of poker.

Who gave it to you? Who were the other players?

Let me think.

There was an American from Boston.

And a stranger whom I'd not met before.

And Lorel. That's all. Of course, we can leave out your old friend Lorel.

My old friend?

I say, let us go into that for a moment.

Fog's thickening up a bit.

Swell night for a murder.

Monsieur chooses the wrong time to be amusing.

Delay is dangerous. If you know the name of the murderer, why not tell me now?

All right, I'll tell you.

His name is... Paul Merko.

Why, we know that. But who is he? Can you point him out?

I'm going to, if my theory works out.

Hmm.

Quite embarrassing if Monsieur Lorel should come into his cabin and find all this!

Naturally, I should apologize. Rather difficult to apologize for accusing him of murder!

Inspector, what is it you are looking for?

Frankly, [ don't know. Oh, gentlemen, hurry.

Out on deck, uh- He's been hurt, sir.

- Who? Who? - Mr. Mantell's friend, Mr. Benton.

Mr. Lorel, put yourself in Merko's spot. An escaped criminal, condemned to death.

You'd try to leave the country, wouldn't you? That is logical.

All right, if somebody recognized you, what would you do?

You'd kill him, wouldn't you? Possibly,

if the opportunity presented itself.

Then you'd take your victim's clothes, passport and name.

Maybe your victim had already booked passage.

That would account for Merko's being on board.

Very good, monsieur. But that - Wait a minute.

Who would be most likely to recognize an escaped criminal?

An expert in disguises, like Merko? Five-to-one it would be a detective.

That is ridiculous! You would have the murderer on board masquerading as a detective?

Merko's clever. He'd be just the man to do it.

Perhaps you could even tell me the nationality of the detective.

I could give you my own idea.

Merko escaped in France.

My detective would be... French.

You are very clever, my friend.

Sometimes that is very foolish.

Then you are Paul Merko. Your reasoning has been flawless.

It is too bad for you.

Move over to the rail.

You fire that, and it'll be heard all over the boat.

The foghorn will cover it... the next time it blows.

If you are expecting someone, he must have disappointed you.

Any second now.

Put up your hands, Merko!

Agh!

Man overboard.! You all right, old man?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Man overboard.!

Where'd he get you, buddy? I'm all right.

Who are you, anyway? I'll tell you all about that later.

Do you think you can get up? Sure.

If you help me. I'll get you to the doctor.

Man the lifeboats.!

I can understand you getting drunk in Paris,

stowin' away on this ship.

I can even understand a newspaperman wanting to get his job back.

But I can't understand why you had to sock me.

I'll tell you the truth. I knew if I left you alone, you'd gum up the works.

Well, that's different!

Okay!

Hey!

['ve never seen anything like it.! The crowd that's come on board.

Half of New York is here to greet you.

I'm not going through with it.

In heaven's name, what are you talking about?

They're waiting to lay the worid in your lap.

That isn't what I want. Oh.

So that's it. That concertina squeezer.

Now listen to me, child. We've been through all this together.

We're on the homestretch.

['m not going to let you throw it all away now.!

If you please, Your Highness,

the reception committee awaits you on deck.

Your Highness, may I present Mr. Gustafson of the Swedish press.

Er kungliga hoghot. Svensk Amirikanarna har,

onskar mig bjuda, en sa skon och hedrande storket,

och landsmanina valkomme till Amerika.

Jag tacan er. Jag ar glad.

What did you say, Your Highness?

Quiet, quiet.! This is a national hookup.!

Ladies and gentlemen, Transatlantic Films takes pleasure in introducing...

our latest importation: Princess Olga of Sweden.

Go ahead, Princess.

This is Princess Olga talking to the great American public.

All my life I dream of coming to this beautiful country of yours like this.

This is the happiest day of-

This is the happiest day-

No, no, it isn't. I-I've never been so unhappy in my life.

I can't go on being a phony. I'm nothing, do you understand?

But Princess! I've never been to Sweden. I'm a Brooklyn gal!

My folks live on 15th Street.

They're there right now. Ma! Ma, can you hear me? Oh, no.

There must be some mistake!

She's ill! She's raving mad! She's delirious!

Excuse me! Give us the lowdown!

Hey, King. The Swede just told the worid she ain't no princess!

She what? Yeah. She starts yellin' for her mama and then runs out.

Wanda! Well, you certainly made a swell job of it.

You ever see anything like it?

I must have been crazy. It was the break I was waiting for.

Everybody counting on me. Flowers. The brass band.

Speeches and men in silk hats. All for me!

And what did I do? Kick it all over, for what?

Oh, you don't know the great American public. They'll eat it up. I-

It's all your fault. Dozens of boats-Why did you have to take this one?

Why did you have to get me all mixed up? Why did I have to fall in love with you?

You big lug!

Wh-What are you yelling at me for? I'm in just as bad a fix.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

Come here.

No good ever came out of a concertina.

The tradition of our sisterhood at Phi Gamma Kappa

goes back to the days when cotton was king.

And just as it has been for generation after generation,

the friendships you have so lovingly cultivated and nourished here

will remain amongst the most treasured possessions of your lives.

Through times of happiness and times of sadness,

good fortune and tribulation,

you will always remember this time together.

You are at a crossroads, a junction in your lives.

May the road you travel speed you towards your dreams and goals

with no sudden curves or detours to divert you from your path.

For those of you who are graduating, this is your farewell ball.

Congratulations, girls!

And God bless you!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of presenting

the queen of the Phi Gamma Kappa spring ball, Miss April Delongpre.

And her fianc�, Mr Chad Douglas Fairchild.

President of our brother fraternity Alpha Lambda Chi.

The next time we all will be dancing together will be at their wedding.

This is a dream come true for me, baby.

From the moment I first laid my eyes on you I knew that one day you'd be my wife.

And this is just the beginning.

I've got it all planned out.

What I want is to make you happy.

What I want is to give you everything your little heart desires.

What I want is to run away to a tropical island somewhere and live in a grass hut.

- Eat coconuts for the rest of our lives? - Coconuts and mangoes and papayas.

Don't do this to me. You're driving me nuts.

That's the idea, Chad.

April.

We got a present for you.

Come on.

- Your hair! - It's beautiful. Hello, darling.

- Your hair looks great. - Outrageous.

What are you girls up to?

- It's for your wedding night. - We can't wait.

Frederick's of Hollywood? What do my little sisters think I am?

Good Lord, look out!

Hey, what are you doing?

OK, that does it. OK.

You're in for it now. I'm going to get you.

Get off my sister!

That's a hell of a shot, son.

If your dad and I weren't keen on you bein' a lawyer, I'd sponsor you on the Pro Tour.

Senator, I like things to work. I like 'em nice and neat.

One of these days you'll hook a shot and get stuck in the rough.

That's gonna give you character. I mean that with all best intentions.

Come on, April. One more time.

Please, we really should go home.

Just one more time. It's so much fun.

I'll get 'em off for you. I used to be an elephant tamer.

Kyle, leave 'em be. This one's on the house.

How about you, princess? Wanna take a spin?

- I'm not a princess. - I knew a real one once.

She was from the Sudan. Her daddy was king for a day.

You better do what he says.

If you don't, he'll hold your kinfolk hostage.

- I'd really rather not. - Come on, April, one more time.

You'll love it.

I've known a May and a June, but never an April.

I wish I could persuade you to get on that ride.

Wipe the seat off for the princess. It'll make her feel better.

If not for him, then for me.

My blood pressure's high, my days are numbered,

there's only so much more a man my age can take.

Come on, we're going home now.

- Could you please let them out? - Cut 'em loose, Speed.

You tried hard, but you can't win 'em all.

Round one goes to the princess.

He must like you, girls. He usually doesn't back down so easy.

Is there a Miss Delongpre in the crowd?

April?

Darling, I'm talkin' to you. I found this on the ground.

- Thank you. - How do I know who you are, princess?

How do I know you're the real April Delongpre?

And who's this good-looking devil? Your husband?

- Not yet. - Two more weeks.

Choo-Choo. What kind of name is that?

His real name's Chad. She just calls him Choo-Choo.

- May I have my wallet back, please? - You bet, April. Anything you say.

Hey, Choo-Choo. I wanna wish you the best.

You say hello to your mommy and daddy for me.

Tell your daddy I'm looking forward to a special dance with him at the wedding.

Come on, let's go for a ride. Get a motel room.

Whaddya say?

We'll have the rest of our lives to be together.

You drive me crazy. You do.

I'm never sure about ya. I never know what you want.

- Bye-bye. - It won't be long now, sugar.

- April. - Mrs Chad Douglas Fairchild.

Ready for the wedding?

Oh, Chad, you drive me crazy.

Does your mama know where you are? Huh?

- Can anybody identify you? - Her name's Kay.

- How well do you know her? - Since kindergarten.

What's she got on her mind? Why are you following me?

What you got down there? How's it doin'? Wanna come with me?

Which one of you girls wanna come with me?

You better use it while you got it, cos it won't last forever.

Smiley, Buck, you cheap sons of bitches.

One day this carnival will come down around you,

if you don't start puttin' some money back into it.

- You gotta spend money to make money. - Fuck you, Perry.

That's good, Smiley. "Fuck you" covers just about everything.

- I paid for that beer. - Don't be so goddamned stingy.

What goes around comes around. The more you give, the more you get.

Reality's all in how you perceive it. Isn't that right?

Everything you say is right, Perry.

If you ain't the most beautiful old bastard I ever seen, I don't know who is.

I love you. You got it all, kid.

You're an angel, a saint, a cowboy, an Indian.

You're the devil sent here to keep us all honest.

Are you in or are you out?

He's in. Definitely in.

You talk too much.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I know you love me. I love you, too.

Yeah, yeah.

If you didn't bite everybody, I wouldn't have to keep you cooped up in here.

And you're so fucking tough.

Good-looking and so tough.

Remember me?

The man who returned your wallet?

Aren't you gonna talk to me?

You know the first thing I thought when I saw you here?

I really did think that - no, hope's a better word for it -

that you were out here lookin' for me.

Are you?

I couldn't sleep.

I know you've got a lotta things on your mind right now

with the wedding comin' up,

and everything.

Yeah.

I can understand that.

So...

I'll be saying good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Let's go, young 'uns.

You sure you don't want to come along?

I'd rather not, Dad. I have so much to do yet before the wedding.

- You take it easy. - Maybe I'll take a swim at the club.

That's a good idea. Bye.

If Jessie calls, give him our number at the lake.

Don't worry. Have a good time.

- Bye. - Bye. Be good.

Bye, April.

- We'll be going now. - Thanks, Jimmy.

Looking forward to the big day. Those gardenias I planted are for your bouquet.

They're lovely. Take some home for yourself.

- Thank you, Miss April. Goodbye. - Bye-bye.

I want you to get out of my house.

- Do you hear me? - Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to inconvenience you. I just needed a hot shower.

- This sure is nice-smellin' soap. - I'm warning you.

No wonder women smell so good. What is it? Essence of lilac?

I want you to leave immediately or I'll call the police.

I don't think you will. Our meeting last night clued me into you.

Is this extra dry? My hair's awful sensitive.

I don't care about your hair. Just get your dog and go!

How can I do that, when it says,

Wait three minutes after conditioning or your hair will be unmanageable?

If you've got any ideas about going near that phone, I might walk out on the lawn.

Naked. Bare-ass naked. You wouldn't want that, would you?

It's a beautiful day. Isn't it?

You had your chance, but you didn't run away, did you?

No, I didn't.

And you didn't call the police either.

No, I didn't.

Why not, do you suppose?

I hope you don't mind, but I helped myself to a bottle of champagne.

I try not to drink during the day, but, this bein' a special occasion,

I figured what the hell?

You frighten me.

I understand. I'm sorry I had to come into your house like this,

but since I'm only gonna be in town a day or so that doesn't give us much time.

And... I knew you wouldn't mind.

Let's go over there,

sit on the couch.

And get to know one another.

You're the cockiest son of a bitch I've ever met.

I'm not really.

I just like to hear myself talk.

And I like beautiful things.

And a woman like you comes along only once in a lifetime.

- Bullshit. - I swear.

When I leave...

I'd like you to give me a bottle of your perfume.

And as I'm driving from town to town,

I'll put a little on my hand,

right there,

I'll bring it up to my nose and every time I smell it I'll remember you

and how beautiful you are.

You got a mole on your shoulder.

Looks like a little kiss.

Help me if you don't have beautiful skin.

You smell so good.

I can't keep my hands off of you. I was gonna come and just have a shower

and a nice, hot cup of coffee, but...

you excite me so much I can't help myself.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

Oh, boy.

There it is.

I went to a store in the Mojave, out in California.

A man there taught me how to use one of these.

Thought for sure I was gonna buy one.

Told me he shot a video of his wife playin' with herself.

Can you imagine that? A total stranger tellin' me something like that?

Look, there you are on TV.

How about a little smile?

You don't feel like smiling?

I can understand that.

But, April, darlin',...

I didn't just show up here by mistake. You invited me.

You might not know it, but you did.

It's all right there in your eyes.

April? It's me, baby.

I just spoke to the real-estate agent in Tuscaloosa.

The condo's ours. Congratulations.

I'm gonna stay a few more days to make sure everything's perfect when we arrive.

I love you, baby. Big kiss.

Bye.

April, honey.

Let me look at you.

You'll be the prettiest bride since your grandma walked down that staircase

on her daddy's arms.

We got that photograph of you and that handsome beau of yours

just dancing away at the sorority ball.

Wait a minute. Belle, got a surprise for you.

- Look who come to visit. - I can see.

April, honey, how wonderful of you to come out all this way just to see us.

Are those flowers for me? Do I smell freesias? My favourite.

I picked them fresh on the way over.

- How thoughtful of you. - I watched you drive in.

I see your daddy bought you a new car for graduation.

It's for graduation and the wedding. Chad's parents bought him a red one.

I can still see that Lincoln convertible

that Belle's daddy bought for her graduation.

It was white, and it had the softest tan-leather upholstery

you ever laid your eyes on.

April, you turned out to be a beautiful young woman.

Belle and I are so proud of you.

Thank you.

Come here and tell me, child. Have you tamed Chad yet?

And don't you do it, either. Just keep him wild as long as you can.

You're incorrigible, Grandma.

Don't you Grandma me, April.

You know very well what I'm talking about.

I've been watching you at parties and with boys ever since you were a little girl,

and I might say you come by it naturally.

I know I seem so sure of myself.

But sometimes...

I get this feeling inside, Belle,

and I'm so scared.

I really find that hard to believe, April.

When I was your age, I was expecting a baby.

That was the year my father died and everything fell on my shoulders.

And your grandfather, rest his soul,

he wasn't much help to me.

But he was the most handsome and virile man in the county.

And every woman that set her eyes on him wanted him.

So I disciplined myself to play the cards that life dealt me.

And you never had second thoughts?

Second thoughts are a luxury I've never afforded myself. And neither should you.

It's just everything's moving so fast.

I feel that I haven't had enough time for me.

Delilah, if my mom or anyone else calls, could you tell them I'm here,

but that I'm out taking a walk? I just don't feel like goin' home just yet.

April.

I don't know if your father told you,

but I'm arranging for you to have this house after I'm gone.

This house and the property from here to Two Moon Junction.

I don't know what to say.

Well, there'll be a trust to take care of the taxes and general maintenance.

All I need you to do is to make sure that when your time comes,

you see that it stays in the family.

Can you do that for me, April?

Of course.

And I also wanna say how proud I am that you've chosen to wear my wedding dress.

You deserve it, honey.

You deserve it.

Earl? It's Belle.

Belle, how are you, sugar?

I'd like you to do a little somethin' for me.

No problem. I'll keep an eye on her.

Remember, save me a dance at that weddin'.

Excuse me.

You from Welcome Wagon?

- I'm looking for the other man. - What other man?

I'm the only man. The last one left. The rest are gone.

If I find me a good woman, I'm goin', too.

The other man. Perry. D'you know where he is?

Oh, him. Do you know he got run over by a train, lost both his legs?

He died this morning.

Bye.

Any liquor in your purse?

No.

You got some money. Go get me some.

Go with her.

Bourbon. Get me some bourbon.

Go on.

Don't pay any attention to him. He's just drunk.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I should come back when you're feeling better.

Bourbon.

Get me some bourbon.

You fucking asshole.

What the hell am I doing here?

He does have a certain charm about him when he's not like this.

What are you gonna do? Let's just go get the son of a bitch some liquor.

Come on, keep me company.

Come on, Tom, get in the back. Ever been in one of these before?

- No, never. - You're gonna like it. It's a little bumpy.

I can't stand them when they get drunk.

You never want to mess with them when they get that way.

You just gotta ride it out.

But if they ain't drunk, they're dull.

I'm glad you came along. He was driving me crazy.

Got a cigarette? I left mine in my purse.

- I don't smoke. - Fuck you, dickhead!

I wish I had your discipline. I tried to quit once and I thought "I'll die soon anyway.

- What'd you say your name was? April? - Yes!

I knew it. You're the one that's about to be married.

Perry told me all about you when we met. I'm Patti Jean. Hang on.

Did that son of a bitch make you take an AIDS test before he fucked you?

I didn't think so. He said it wasn't cos he was afraid of dying.

He just didn't wanna spread the disease indiscriminately.

I think he just didn't wanna die having people think he was gay.

He's pretty enough to give that impression.

Kind of humiliated me. Wanna talk about humiliating?

I know a girl who flies with Savannah

and she said when people die on aeroplanes,

they lock 'em in the fuckin' bathroom until they land.

Now I ask you, if that ain't the ultimate humiliation, what is?

Ending up your life on a toilet seat 35,000 feet in the air. Shit.

Hang on.

We're here.

Shit. Hey!

What kind o' liquor did he say he wanted?

Bourbon, right. Hey, you got a bathroom?

I'm gonna pee in my fuckin' pants. Get the liquor. I gotta go to the bathroom bad!

Now you know my secret. I put a little rouge on it.

Makes it easier to see through my blouse.

It's a real '60s thing to do, but it's cute.

Boys'd howl when I wore angora sweaters in junior high.

I love angora. You ever put yours in the refrigerator?

- No. - Makes it real fuzzy.

I bet you got great tits. I can tell.

- But you shouldn't be ashamed of 'em. - I'm not.

And your hair'd look sexier if you'd wet it and slick it back.

I'm a hairdresser - I know what I'm talking about. I do 30 makeovers a week.

And that top would look so much better if you weren't wearing a bra.

- Wanna let me try it on? - What?

I'll shut the door.

- Come on, let me try it on. - OK.

That's nice. Wanna try mine?

I designed it myself. It'll look so cute on you.

You've got the perfect figure for it.

Come on, don't be shy. Just put it on and say goodbye princess.

Sorry. I know it would look good on you. I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Come on. Perry'll love it.

Looks good, doesn't it?

Let's see.

It's at moments like this I can see why guys like women so much.

And this damn bull, it kept working around in the undergrowth.

- Help! - Oh, holy shit!

Oh, damn it! I can't... Speed, where the hell are you?

Hey, Rube! Someone's gonna die!

You all right?

See that? Those kids could have been killed!

People put their lives in your hands. You've got a responsibility to them.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you.

Everything is "Fuck you". Everything boils down to fuckin' money.

- Money. You want money? Here, take it. - Money! That's what I like.

Stand back.

What you got there, Buck? Got a gun?

Go get 'em, Perry. Take the whole French foreign legion to take my Perry.

I gotta tell you, he got me so hot the first time.

I thought I'd go through the ceiling.

Even better than my second husband, and he was from Pittsburgh.

Come on, boy!

Holy shit.

Hang on.

Argh!

Fucker!

Jerk!

Scumbag!

Cocksucker!

Thanks.

No!

Get back! Get back!

Stand back!

Easy, man. Take it easy.

- Get off him! - Yeah, let him alone.

I'm gonna...

Get your fucking dog and your fucking girls and get outta here.

Now!

Want some?

The lady's got a secret.

Don't you?

I ain't got no secret.

I ain't got nothin', except a bike,

a truck, and a post-office box in Clearwater, Florida.

- So, what colour's your living room? - White.

- But it's not my house. It's my parents'. - Is your bedroom white, too?

It's beige and floral print.

My place is wood panel. I never lived in anything else but.

Except when I lived in Vegas. I was married to this guy in the Air Force.

And they put us up in this place. It was great. A prefab with a balcony.

- You wanna dance? - No.

Come on, we're here. Let's have fun.

This is my favourite song. And you're gonna dance with me now.

Go to him.

Ask him to take you for a ride on his bike.

Nothing but the sound of the engine

and the clouds in the sky.

Don't worry about me.

I'm takin' a bus outta here in the morning.

I don't know where I'm goin',

but I can't wait to get there.

- Hello? - Delilah? It's me, April.

- April, honey? - Did my mom or anyone else call for me?

- Why, nobody. - If they do,

could you tell them I'm on my way home?

- Of course. - Thanks.

Bye.

- Ay, perdone, regresamos m�s tarde. - No, no, no, no. It's OK. You can stay.

- Where are you from? - Puerto Rico.

Is that your sister?

- No, no. - Cousin?

- No, es amiga. - Amiga.

Can you ask your friend why she's not wearing any underwear?

Que quiere saber que por qu� no tienes pataletas puestas.

She washed them last night. They're not dry enough to wear this morning.

She only got one pair?

Parece que si.

You son of a bitch.

Bed's barely cold, you're trying to get someone else in it?

What the hell. As long as the room's paid for, I might as well get my money's worth.

Parece que est�n juntos, v�monos.

You hollow, manipulative piece of shit. Everything you are is between your legs.

Then why don't you come over here and give me a kiss good mornin'?

- I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. - It's called lust, baby.

Yep, there's no mistaking it.

What's happened to April is she's come face to face with her libido.

Fuck you. I don't have to take this shit.

I bet you didn't think I knew what that word meant!

Libido! Unchecked desire.

Who do you think you are? You come to my house...

It's not your house. It's your mommy and daddy's house. And you invited me.

I don't recall giving you my address!

- You came cos you wanted to come. - You can believe anything you want.

You're so far gone there's no hope. You're psychotic.

You know what that means? Fundamental mental derangement.

- You are beyond social redemption. - Better than being hysterical.

You lose, mister. You're all alone.

You don't care about anybody and nobody gives a shit about you.

That's right, baby. I'm the phantom of the night.

- Asshole. - Princess.

- Motherfucker. - Sweet pea.

Cocksucker. Scumbag.

- Precious. - Pig shit.

- Dumpling. - Scumbag.

You already said that.

- You bastard. - Better be careful what you say.

People might think we like each other.

You can rot in hell for all I care.

I'm sorry for the disturbance, folks.

But you got to admit, that's one special wacko chick.

I'm gonna buy you breakfast, asshole.

You know, I have a grandmother

that I'm sure was about the hottest thing on the planet.

There was a time, every Saturday night,

and they'd dress up in tuxedos and gowns

and go down to our pavilion at Two Moon Junction and dance all night.

- Two Moon Junction? - Yeah.

That's my favourite place in all the world.

My great-great-granddaddy was a pirate, you know.

- No. - Really.

Yeah, he and Lafitte and some others got very pissed off at the slave traders

and started raiding their ships and setting all the slaves free in South America.

My grandmother says they had a dream of America being the last bastion of freedom.

But then they realised the problem was too big and they could do nothing about it,

so they settled on the land and raised cotton.

And put the slaves to work on the plantation.

My grandmother says he did it because he came to understand

there would never be heaven on earth.

There's always going to be corruption. Nothing was ever going to be perfect.

What you mean to say is there was more money in cotton than in being a hero.

- Somethin' like that. - You're gonna make a hell of a lawyer.

I expect to live a double life.

Maybe even a triple one if I get lucky.

And here I thought you were just another tight-ass princess.

You look like a princess. You talk like a princess.

And you definitely have a tight ass.

Darlin'.

Don't ever take this southern woman for granted.

Excuse me, son. Is that your rig parked over there at Malcolm's place?

There they be, son.

Jonah and Jonah Junior.

They're so old they can't remember who's pappy and who's son.

They're weird and full of superstition.

Burying a dead animal on their land could cause the cows to give bloody milk,

or bring on a swarm o' locusts.

Jonah, Jonah Junior,

I told this boy if he'd dig up his animal,

I might be able to persuade you to drop the charges against him.

You see, it was dark and he wanted a nice place to put his animal to rest.

He didn't know he was trespassing and he's sorry.

Do yourself a favour, son.

I loved my dog.

The song they're singing goes way back. It's a kind of prayer.

So, where'd you say you were hailed from, son?

The east.

Anywhere near Cambridge, Massachusetts?

No, sir.

My grandson's going up there this fall, to Harvard Law School.

I wish him luck.

We're talking about $32,000 a year tuition, room and board.

But it ain't gonna cost me a penny, no, sirree, because, thank the Lord,

we got people round here who recognise and support outstanding achievement.

You know who Little Richard is, don't ya?

Sure.

I remember he used to ride around here in his Cadillac always raisin' billy hell.

Got so bad, the judge had to throw his black ass out of the county

and told him never to come back.

What I'm trying to say, son, is that not much goes on in this county

that I don't know about.

Savvy?

Did you get your manicure?

It's perfect.

You look absolutely beautiful.

You have done a wonderful job on the dresses. Thank you so much.

They look great.

You know, Alice in Wonderland has always been my favourite story.

I always dreamed of having a storybook wedding, and now I am.

Shoes and hats.

It's perfect.

Wow. Pretty exciting, isn't it?

I just love these dresses. They make us all look so good.

Makes your tits look bigger this way.

I'm planning on using these kind of dresses for my wedding.

If I ever get married, which I probably won't.

But if I do, these types of dresses would be nice.

You're welcome to it. I won't be needing it after tomorrow.

Besides, next time I get married, I'm gonna run off to Las Vegas.

April, bite your tongue!

Carolee, honey, could you give us a moment alone?

This is gonna be a wonderful weddin'. I can't wait.

Honey, there's so little time.

And I thought... well, I thought since you and Chad are still going to school,

you're not countin' on havin' a family right away.

So I took the liberty of putting together this little... care package for you.

I don't know. There's a lot of things here.

There's so much and I don't know what you would use.

But, what do you think?

Honey, I know that you know.

You never really talked.

Oh, April. I'm happy.

Sorry, Mrs Delongpre, but, April, you have to see this. Come on.

d You are so beautiful to me

d You are so beautiful to me

d Can't you see?

d Everything I dreamed of

d You're everything I want, baby

Mm-mm. He's one gorgeous hunk of a man.

d Can't you see?

Isn't he the one at the carnival? The one that found your wallet?

Till tomorrow, April.

I don't recall.

Oh, shit.

Thank you.

- What's goin' on here? - I have no idea.

- Good afternoon, Belle. - Good morning.

Yeah!

- Hi, Grandma. - You beautiful girls.

You're getting more beautiful every time I see you.

Aren't they turning into lovely young ladies?

Yes, they certainly are.

Is that any way for the future Mrs Chad Douglas Fairchild

to be dressed the day before her wedding?

- We've been having fittings all day. - You poor thing.

- What is that monstrosity? - It's a tent, Belle.

I can see that.

Whatever does your mother have in mind?

- It's for the buffet. - It looks more like a circus to me.

Girls, would you take these cold drinks out to those hardworking boys out there?

- You look beautiful, Belle. - Thank you, dear.

- What about me? - That goes without saying, Delilah.

- It's him. I told you it was him. - It is him. It is him.

He said we were the cutest girls he'd seen all month.

He's really gorgeous.

It used to be that I knew the Christian name of every day worker in the county.

Nowadays you just open the Yellow Pages and take your chances with the riffraff.

Delilah and I are contemplating carrying pistols in our pocketbooks.

Ain't that the truth?

Not only is that tent an eyesore, it's a potential hazard. Young man!

Young man, can't you do something about those guy lines?

Somebody's bound to trip on that and break their neck.

I think this will solve your problem, ma'am.

By the way, that's a beautiful outfit you're wearing.

The finest of silk pongee, the likes of which I haven't seen

since Mademoiselle ran that layout on Princess Di's trousseau.

- You're pushing your luck, aren't you? - I'm just tryin' to earn a livin'.

Minimum wage. $3.35 an hour.

It's not much, but I can make it work.

- You know, there's a line... - Of course. That's what holds up the tent.

That's not the line I'm referring to.

The line I'm talking about is the line between good manners and bad manners,

order and chaos. Cross that line...

If you're talkin' about the state line, princess, I've already seen it.

They're place settings for 36, April, taken from the court of King George

and handed down from eldest daughter to eldest daughter, every other generation,

from the time our forefathers decided to legitimise themselves,

and join the civilised society.

Since that time, the Delongpre family can claim three governors, two US senators,

three electives of the House of Representatives,

a Supreme Court justice,

and an ambassador to Chile.

And at our table we've had the likes of General Patton,

President Woodrow Wilson, Jimmy Carter,

Lyndon Johnson, the actress, Tallulah Bankhead, and Truman Capote

and that film star, Grace Kelly, before she married her prince.

And Betty Ford, after her rehabilitation.

Come election time, where do our Yankee brothers come a-courtin' but here?

For where the south goes, so goes the presidency.

And why is that?

Cos we here in the south take care of our own.

Always have, always will.

Perry?

Perry.

Perry, come out. I don't have much time.

I said to myself "If she comes here wearing high-heeled shoes,

then she's come cos she wanted to come.

There's almost $5,000 here. Please take it and go away.

I saw your fianc� today. I love that song he was singing.

He showed good taste there.

I bet his friends are giving him a stag party tonight.

If you don't want the money, give it to charity.

Keep your money.

How come you aren't wearing any panties, April, darling?

What kind of a way is that to come see somebody you don't wanna see?

I know. Don't tell me.

You washed them out before you went to bed and they're not dry yet.

You're a real son of a bitch.

At first you excited me.

Now you repulse me. You've got no mystery.

- Everything you are... - Is between my legs.

It's crazy.

I've run a million miles and who should I fall in love with?

The very girl I was running away from.

You're lying.

You lie about everything.

Am I?

Come here.

I wanna show you something.

To the merging of two great southern families.

Good luck to you, Chad. May God bless you.

- Hear! Hear! - I'll drink to that.

His name's Max.

I was gonna call him Tom II, but I figured he needed his own identity.

He's beautiful.

I wanted to give you one for your wedding,

but then I figured it would be kinda hard for you to explain.

My cousins and I used to come here all the time when we were kids.

It was our place.

We did everything together.

In the summer we used to sneak around at night and watch our parents making love.

Then we'd come in here, strip down and touch each other all over.

One night, after a party,

they both got crazy drunk,

took their father's Lincoln Continental and crashed it into a telephone pole.

Timothy, the one who was driving, lived.

But Charles died.

Two months later, Timmy put a gun to his head and shot himself out of despair.

You remind me of them.

We used to play this game, my cousins and I.

They'd blindfold me,

and I'd try to guess which one of them I was with.

I'm not your cousins.

What cousins?

What do you want?

What time's your wedding?

Noon.

Yeah.

Well...

I'll wait around till then.

See what happens.

Everybody, they're here! Come on, they're here! Come on, they're here.

OK.

Come on, big fella. Looks like she's not coming.

Come on, kiddo. We're on.

Darlin', is something wrong?

- What's the matter? - I need a minute.

- Sugar, are you all right? - Yes. No.

Belle, I think you should go back and see what's happening.

Good God.

Darling, you look so beautiful. We're so proud of you.

Belle, I don't know if I can do this.

But we love you, and we only want what's best for you.

- What's goin' on? - You may be about to get some character.

- She's got cold feet? - No. Just a little holdup. I'll handle it.

If y'all just hold on a minute, the bride's got a wrinkle in her dress.

You know how these things are. Now, don't anybody go away.

I won't let you throw your life away on a passing fancy.

Passion fades. Believe me, I know.

What are you talking about?

I was afraid this would happen.

He will never interfere with your life again.

Belle, what did you do?

Belle?

He asked me for money. I gave it to him.

That's not true.

He would never take money.

- Everyone has his price. - Not him.

April, my beautiful, courageous child,

have I ever lied to you?

Now...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to inconvenience you.

It's just that I was in the neighbourhood and I needed a nice, hot shower.

Sure is nice-smellin' soap.