All language subtitles for Her Highness 1936

L 'entre des passagers est
a gauche, madame. Thanks.

Oui, madame.

I've lost my dog!
He's gone!

My dog! We will find him, madame.

Madame est perdu
son chien.

Oh, son chien!

Que est-ce?
Sais pas.

Que est elle?
Elle est La Princesse Olga!

Ah, oui.
La Princesse Olga de Suede.

Your Highness.

Wait till I get
my breath. Wait.

- Wait. - Wait.
- Attendez.

All right.
All right.

All right.
Ca va.

Your Highness. Permit me, Your
Highness. I'm Captain Nicholls.

It is with pleasure-
We, too, are pleased.

What? Oh, I beg your pardon.
My ship is honored.

It is with the deepest of pleasure
- Oh, now, now, no pictures, no pictures.

No pictures? Oh, I beg your
pardon. I was only trying to help.

Thank you, but I like
my pictures in the papers.

People see, they say,
''Princess Olga of Sveden.''

So, if they like me,
they like ''Sveden.''

That is the least that I could do for ''Sveden''
- I mean, Sweden.

So...

we are ready.

Thank you, Your Highness.

May you have a pleasant voyage,
Your Highness.

It is sure to be one on your beautiful
ship with so famous a commander.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Princess Olga of Sweden? Right.

What about this? Sir, I am
the Lady Gertrude Allwyn,

lady-in-waiting and
companion to Her Highness.

Right this way,
Your Highness.

Oh, nay, we are so sorry,
but no wireless.

This isn't radio, Your Highness.
This is for the Associated Newsreel.

Oh. You wish we should speak
in Swedish, French or Russian?

English, if you please.
You know, the regular thing.

''Hello, everyone.
I'm sailing today.''

By the way, Princess, where are
you going? We go to Hollywood.

To see the stars? No, to be the
stars. We go to make a picture.

You're going to act
in the picture?

We have a contract. The contract
says we act. We say nothing.

And what is the name of
this picture? The name.

The name, please.

It's here, in the
contract. Just a moment.

The story is from a novel
entitled: Lavender and Old Lace,

but the name of the cinema has been
changed to: She Done Him Plenty.

It will be changed again
or we come home.

Have you a favorite movie
star, Princess? Oh, ja,ja.

Would it be a male star?
Oh, sure.

If the question
isn't too personal, his name?

We tell you.
Mickey ''Moosie.''

Please, Mr. Mantell,
don't unpack.

This suite belongs
to the princess.

We've been all over that.
Easy on those silk shirts!

Who calls for the laundry on this
canoe? I'm only doing my duty.

Well, do it
someplace else.

But please, Mr. Mantell. I'll transfer you
to a cabin every bit as good as this one.

I reserved the Royal Suite.
I paid for it; I like it.

I don't see why
I should get out.

There's been a mistake.
There's royalty aboard.

This suite has been
reserved for royalty.

Yeah? Well, in a quiet sort of a way,
we're royalty ourselves.

That's King Mantell you're talkin'
to. His band's known all over Europe.

And when it comes to playin'
a concertina, he's tops.

Don't forget that,
sailor.

Mr. Mantell, I beg of you.
I implore you!

I'm a bighearted guy.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll share the Royal Suite.
We'll draw a line-

No, that's impossible. Then
I'll match her for who gets it.

You're making it
very difficult.

You figure it out.
I'm staying.

Let's move and quit arguin'. What's
the difference where we sleep?

Tuck in your shirt.
We're staying.

Your Highness.

We are rather
crowded, nay?

Your Highness, I tried,
but he refuses to leave.

Refuses to leave?
Why?

There's been a slight mistake, Your
Highness. Now get this straight.

This suite belongs to
the princess.

Now get out before I throw you
out. Uh, boys, the bags, out.

Hey, what is this? Come
on. I said get out, get out.

Don't you know royalty
when you see it?

- This is very annoying.
- I'm terribly sorry.

I reserved this suite before I
knew Your Highness was to be aboard,

and, unfortunately, my companion
objected to leaving.

I trust Your Highness isn't upset by
the way things got, uh, screwed up.

Screwed up?

We are quite satisfied. Now if you
will favor us with your departure.

Oh, sure. Well, I hope Your
Highness has a nice trip.

And if at any time I can be of
service, just give me a buzz at-

- What's my new cabin number?
- B-81, sir.

Just give me a buzz at
- Good day.

Huh? Her Highness said good day.

Oh. Well, good day.

We regret this
inconvenience, Your Highness.

- It won't happen again, Your Highness.
- This is all right.

Come in.

What, again?

I, uh, forgot my razor.
Pardon me.

Of course, if either of you have
any use for a razor, I'd be glad to-

Oh.

A razor?
What a vulgar person!

Heavens! That fellow
is taking a bath!

What are you doing?

Your Highness, there's
something wrong with your tub.

What? You see, the water
runs in and it runs out,

but it runs out
faster than it runs in.

I discovered it this morning. You
can't take a bath in that much water.

Well, if you're a ''ploomber,''
why don't you fix it?

I'm not a ''ploomber,'' but I think I
could fix it. Have you got a screwdriver?

A screwdriver? Her Highness
is not in the habit...

of going about with
a screwdriver on her person.

Please go away. Well, I
was only trying to help.

May I suggest that when you want to
take a bath, that you take a shower?

Or, of course, there's
always the ocean.

I'd like to smack that guy
right in the kisser.

Fine talk.

Do you realize he almost grabbed
the Royal Suite from under our feet?

Just the same, princesses do not go
around smacking young men in the kisser.

Visitors ashore, please.

Well, how'd
you make out?

She was a little cold.
Remember, she's a princess.

Why should I remember? And even
if I wanted to, how could I?

I didn't want to stay
in that sissy cabin.

Did you see that hair? That's
what you call a royal blonde.

Open the trunk.
What's the idea?

You oughta know my technique
by now: flowers, music, wine.

Then I have to find out
if there's a husband.

There's the one you used
on the Italian countess.

No, that's no good.
Remember, she swam back.

Every dame I went out with brought
along water wings. How about this?

Yeah. I'm going to fix it with the purser
so I can sit at Her Highness's table.

Hey, she's royalty, and
everybody knows who you are.

You couldn't make the grade
if they gave you Radio City.

Yeah? They just gave me Radio
City. Twelve weeks at my own terms.

You will see that the Princess
Olga has every possible convenience.

Yes, sir. Naturally, you
advised Her Highness...

that she would sit
at my table?

Yes, sir.
Any other suggestions?

There are five important police
officials aboard, sir. Police?

They're sailing for an
international convention in New York.

Would you like them
at your table, sir?

I don't even want them on my
ship. They're troublemakers.

I'd rather be followed by a
seagull flying upside down.

I've seen it happen
again and again.

Trouble's their business. They love
it so much it follows them around.

If I'd known they
were going to be aboard-

A message, sir.
Important.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it!

Come in.

More flowers!

Oh, they must have
set us back plenty.

Oh, they're not expensive.

They are what is known
to the trade as funeral flowers.

I don't care, Gertie. I like flowers
even when we send them to ourselves.

Well, we sent them to ourselves...
from every prince in Europe.

Oh, Gertie,
you think of-

''King Mantell.'' King?
Aren't you smearing it a bit?

King Mantell? I never
even heard of the blighter.

I gave a hundred francs
for that myself,

and I put in Prince Curt Linden
of Swartsheld's card.

I distinctly
remember doing it.

I think I smell a ''moosie.''
Huh?

What is that?

Why, it's-
it's one of those things-

You know,
come-to-you, go-from-you things.

A concertina.
And very vulgar.

A definite symbol
of the lower classes.

Put the thing on the floor
and it crawls.

But I like it.

Who is making
that appalling noise?

Mr. King Mantell,
Your Ladyship.

Will you kindly tell this
Mantell person to stop at once?

The princess cannot
endure the concertina.

Very good,
Your Ladyship.

Mantell, eh?

Now I know he's no good.

My dear, I am an old woman. I
have traveled at home and abroad.

And never, never have I known any
good to come out of a concertina.

A message
from Princess Olga.

What'd she say?

The princess says
your music stinks.

My name's Cragg. I understand
the captain wishes to see me.

Oh, yes, Inspector. Mr. Lorel,
this is Mr. Cragg of Scotland Yard.

Mr. Lorel is of
the Paris S�ret�.

Lorel, of course. We had some
correspondence last year. Forgery, wasn't it?

Yes, monsieur.
You were very helpful.

Won't you be seated? The captain's
expecting other gentlemen,

and he'll be here himself
almost any moment.

What's up, Purser?
Is it something urgent?

The captain will have to
give you the details.

It seems something has happened
aboard which requires attention.

Hello, Steindorf'.
Oh, my good friend, Cragg.

Now begins already
a pleasant voyage.

Monsieur Lorel.
How do you know?

Oh, elemental.
Your clothes are Paris,

your nose is of the S�ret�,
I'm a detective,

and just between us,
you were pointed out to me.

Monsieur, Conan Doyle
would have loved you.

Ah, my friend, Inspector Cragg.

And now comes
the Russian police.

You know everybody, Morevitch. Hello.

I'll sit here, please.
Already my feet ache.

Why has the captain
sent for us?

Something important,
the purser said.

Important to him
or to us?

Oh, gentlemen, I'm sorry to
mar the pleasure of your voyage.

Won't you sit down?

But an emergency has arisen
concerning the safety of my passengers.

This message from Police Headquarters
in Paris will explain the situation.

''Paul Merko, murderer
condemned to the guillotine,

escaped from prison two days ago''
- May I?

''We have information that Merko is
aboard your ship. Signed, Veiller.''

What stupidity!
Unbelievable! Who's stupid?

Where's the description? All they give us
is the name, the first thing he will change.

Probably Lorel
can give us information.

No, I'm sorry, messieurs. I
was not connected with the case.

Gentlemen, Mr. Kawati of
ImperialJapanese Secret Service.

He arrives, as usual, when
everything is nearly over.

How do you do?

Mr. Kawati, apparently
there's a conspiracy afoot...

to put us to work.
I have already heard.

I seem to recall reading
something about Merko.

Wasn't he the chap who evaded arrest
for so many months disguised as a woman?

The same. Another time,
an Armenian rug peddler.

He's known to be an actor.
He speaks seven languages.

Clever rascal. Inconsiderate
rascal, if you ask me.

We are on a vacation.

What brought you
out of the woodwork?

The usual thing.
Going to New York on business.

I heard you and
your band in Paris.

You're a great success these
days, aren't you, my dear fellow?

Darcy, any time you pat a guy on the
back, you've got a knife in your hand.

What do you want?
You know my weakness.

Anything that concerns
a public character interests me.

Don't tell me you're still wearing
a silk hat and a black mustache.

You wouldn't be trying your old
shakedown racket on me, would you?

My dear fellow,
of course not.

Whatever you're selling,
we don't want any.

The fact is- and not to bore you with
a long story- I'm rather short of funds.

I've gone over the passenger list
looking for, uh, friends.

And would you believe it,Joe, there are just
three people in the entire ship's list...

that would be glad to let me
have a little assistance.

Just two, Darcy.
Scratch me off the list.

Now... you're a public figure.
You want to enjoy this trip.

You want a great reception
in New York.

Be too bad, wouldn't it,
if certain people were told...

that you had a prison record
in the United States?

That's going back a bit,
isn't it? [ have a good memory.

You must have. I was
hardly out of knee pants.

I made a kid's mistake, and I
paid for it. It's no good, Darcy.

Did a year, didn't you?

Long enough to knock some sense into
me. I met some charming people there.

That's where I learned
to play the concertina.

Now let's see.
How much shall we say?

Well, that depends
on how much you can take.

Wait a minute. Don't hit
him. Take care of those hands.

Why, you!

You've had your
last chance, Mantell.

Oh, uh, pardon me. Inspector
Lorel? Yes, monsieur.

I have some rather interesting
information for you.

Well, later, monsieur. Now I have
an appointment with the captain.

Anytime,
at your convenience.

Shall we say
in 20 minutes?

I'll come to your stateroom. Monsieur.

Do I toss him
to the sharks?

Don't you like sharks?
But that was a cop.

Cop? Sure. This barge is alive with 'em.

What is this, a prison
ship? It ain't healthy.

Detectives don't worry me,
and I'll take care of Darcy.

Are you gonna slap the mug
and ask for the next dance?

There's only one way to handle these shakedown guys.
Show 'em they can't get anyplace by shoving you around.

I get it. Give 'em a lesson
and make it permanent, huh?

If you want to do something, fix it
so I can get next to the princess.

Leave it to me. I can handle those
dames. I knew a princess once.

Ahh! Well, she was different.
Her name was Fatima.

She did...
one of those things.

Leave it to me,
will ya?

May I, Your Highness? Please do.

I had once the pleasure of meeting
your distinguished grandfather.

Oh, so. But- But I have
two grandfathers, you know.

Ja, but the one I mean
has the beard.

Oh, that one!
And such a long beard.

When we were children,
we used to swing from it.

When Your Highness's uncle,
Prince Rudolph of Stralheim,

paid his last visit to London,
[ was detailed to guard him.

Oh, ja.
Poor, dear Uncle Rudie.

Somebody was always
shooting at him.

In my country, they shoot
at everybody's uncle.

Let me tell you
about your grandfather-

though I only meet him once,
and that's 12 years ago.

Height about 5 feet 2;
eyes, blue;

weight, about 190;
and that beard.

Correct, Highness?

I could not better describe him
myself. You are very observant.

Oh, ja. Nothing ever
escapes my attention.

Will you please
give me my things?

With pleasure.

Oh, my bag!
It is gone!

Gone?

Feeling badly,
gentlemen?

Her Highness's bag.
Most extraordinary thing!

It was here a moment
ago. Someone took it.

There you are.

What's this? Her RoyalJob Lot's leather.

Where did you get it? She lost it.

Are you sure? Certainly.
I saw her lookin' for it.

Where was she when you
snatched it? On the poop deck.

I oughta break your neck. I'm
only tryin' to do you a favor.

That Swede's been bouncin'
you around since we got on.

Didn't you ask me to fix it? Yeah.

Okay, it's all fixed.
What do you mean?

You take the poke back.
She's gotta thank you.

Yeah. If I can convince her
I didn't steal it myself.

Well, that's up to you.
I've done my part.

Pardon me, Princess. Is
this what you're looking for?

Oh, my bag! So you have found
it. How can I ever thank you?

Well, that's easy.
How?

Well, I'm afraid if I ask
you, you'll set me down again.

Oh, nay. We give you permissi�n
to speak out. Please go ahead.

Then, uh, what are the chances
of a princess like you...

having cocktails tonight
with a guy like me?

- She might.
- Does that mean she will?

Well, I said ''she might.''
We do not even know your name.

It's Mantell.
King Mantell.

Mantell. So it was you who
sent us those beautiful flowers.

Well, I'll be honest. I didn't
send them; I pinched them.

Pinched?
Yes, I took them.

So, we see.
We knew you pinched them.

Now I suppose
our date's off.

I do not say so. I think
it would be very pleasant.

Good. There's just one more
thing that'd make the day perfect.

What is that? If only
you'd like my concertina.

Now I will be
honest with you.

I do like it. You do?
I thought you said-

Shh! It is a secret just between
us. It must never come out.

I had a hunch that underneath
that royal front you were okay.

You know, concertina playing takes a lot
of hard work. I've given my life to it.

Oh, so? Yeah, you have
to make your fingers talk.

You play it this way.

Ohhh!
Oh, my bag!

Oh, my handkerchief.
They get all wet.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get it.

I'm taking an awful chance with these
man-eating sharks, but for you, Princess-

You are so brave. You are not hurt? No.

Oh, my ''poof''!

''Poof''?
My powder poof.

All right.
Can I help you?

Oh, my handkerchief,
it is ''vet.''

Yeah, your money,
it is ''vet'' too. Uh, Swedish.

I'll wring it out for you.

Oops, I almost doubled it.
I better get you some more.

Oh, it is all right.
It is still good.

Scram.

What did you say?

Oh, ''scram.''

In Swedish it means
''the interview is ended.''

Lady Allwyn, it is my pleasure to
present Mr. King Mantell to you.

How do you do?
How do you do?

We are going to have cocktails
with him this evening.

That so? Yes, I'll try to
bring along a boyfriend for you.

I'll, uh, try.

Well, so much for the files of Marseille
and Bordeaux. Not very helpful, I'm afraid.

Now we'll see
what Paris has to say.

''Paul Merko, French.
Medium height.

''Weight, about 75 kilos.
Brown hair. Dark eyes.

No scars or other marks
of identification. ''

And that is all, messieurs, except his
measurements, which you can read for yourselves.

Comrades, it is still useless. Why?

Because first you must
catch the man to measure him.

After you have caught the man,
what good are the measurements?

Come, come. [t's too soon
to retreat from Moscow.

This Merko is not on board.
[ have an intuition.

Well, not being a detective
and having no intuitions,

['ve started
a search of the ship.

With over 1,200 people on board,
[ realize it may be hopeless.

Oh, nothing is hopeless
for a good detective.

If Paul Merko is on board,
I'll find him.

Yes.

Many times I start with less
than that and I am successful.

Did any one of you
order these drinks?

Not I.
No.

Did you?
No.

Well, I don't remember
ordering them.

In fact,
I know I didn't.

Why should I get a tray of
drinks that I didn't order?

Yes, sir.

Did you bring this tray in? No, sir.

You didn't?
But why not?

I'm sorry, sir. Why didn't
you bring this tray in?

You didn't order it. I know I
didn't, but someone brought it.

Whom did you ring for?
I didn't ring for anyone.

If you hadn't rung,
I wouldn't be here.

I'm talking about this tray of
drinks. Do you wish another tray?

No, I don't want any tray
of drinks. Very well, sir.

Thank you, comrade.

Captain Nicholls, sir.
Yes?

Checking the passenger list, we
found one passenger missing. Missing?

B-50. Registered
to Mr. Petroff.

His luggage came aboard,
but we cannot locate Mr. Petroff.

He would miss the boat. I know thousands
of Petroffs, and they miss everything.

If he's aboard, find him
and report to me. Yes, sir.

What do you expect me to do,
sit around and twiddle my thumbs?

There are plenty of proper
gentlemen on board...

without you drinking
with a concertina squeezer.

You enjoyed the cocktails,
didn't you?

The first five or six.
After that, I was bored.

Oh, darling, don't be silly.
He's not hard to look at.

As a matter of fact, he's nice.
Did you notice those shoulders?

Ahh! When you
get to my age-

He found my bag, didn't he? Bags
don't have legs. He stole your bag.

Of course he stole it. I'm trying
to tell you. He has a sense of humor.

Nevertheless, we cannot
afford to take chances.

We're skating on pretty
thin ice as it is.

You'll let something slip.
The man's using you!

Darling, you are crazy. You are
pulling things out of the air.

Come now,
we go to dinner, toots.

Good evening, ladies. My name
is Darcy. What do you want?

I'm sorry, but you see, I happen to
be a close friend of Mr. George Marson,

the theatrical agent
in London.

Then, sir,
you are intruding.

This is the suite of Her
Highness, Princess Olga of Sweden.

And Wanda Nash of
Brooklyn. What do you want?

It's a little late in the day
to talk business,

but still-

May I come in?

King.

I just saw Darcy
go into the Royal Suite.

Yeah? Are you sure
it was Darcy?

Sure. Rats like that
don't come in pairs.

There's nothing crooked about it. In
a little while, I'll tell him myself.

I had to do something. We were
stranded, miles from home, broke.

You know a girl can't walk into a studio
and get a job. I've tried everything.

They call it obtaining money
under false pretenses.

Well, no one will be hurt
by what we're doing.

No one but
Transatlantic Films.

They'll get their money's
worth. The child has talent.

She'll be a star, and the
worid will laugh at this.

You don't have to sell me,
giris. I'm on your side.

I'm cheering for you.

Now, how much shall we say?

Oh, what's the use, Gertie?
We might as well pay him off.

This all?
All we've got.

How about the crown jewels?
I've been admiring that ring.

Now get out.

You know, you giris
got me wrong.

I'm not a bad guy at heart.
For your tips.

Just a moment. What assurance have
we that you won't do this again?

My professional honor,
Your Highness.

He shook her down. What
could he have on a princess?

Plenty, from the size
of the roll.

He had something on three people.
She's number two. I hope I'm the third.

Duchess, my corns are
just like a thermometer.

I can tell what the
weather's gonna be like.

For heaven's sake, man,
what are you muttering about?

Oh, no harm, Duchess. Just trying
to make a little conversation.

I got a line that'll surprise you. I
can talk on anything. ''Literatoor.''

How nice, Mr. Benton. Have you read
Burke's critique on James Joyce?

Or I can talk on sports.
Take Terry McGovern.

There was a fellow
with a left hook.

All he had to do was
hit you in the chin...

and break every bone
in your ankle.

I dance, Princess,
because it keeps me fit.

Oh, that is very important. I
have an uncle who chops down trees.

Excuse me, Your Highness. Pardon me, Doctor,
but a child on ''B'' deck swallowed a whistle.

Good gracious! It was a very small
child and a very large whistle.

''B'' deck? I'm sorry,
Your Highness.

May I take up the operation
where the doctor left off?

A small child
and a large whistle?

No kidding. When they held him upside
down, he whistled ''Yankee Doodle.''

Now which one
is it in?

That one.

How jolly!
Let's do it again.

I can't understand that. When the
fellow showed it to me, it worked.

And at the coronation,
it took 20 little giris...

to carry the train
of my grandmother's dress.

That's nothing. On payday, it took
four cops to carry my grandfather.

You are insufferable. In my grandmother's
day you would lose your head.

You don't have to go back
that far, Princess.

I think we have
danced enough.

I asked for it. I'm sorry.
I want you to know one thing:

If you're ever in any kind of
trouble, you can count on me.

Oh, why do you think
I should be in any trouble?

This is a strange ship, and there
are some very odd people aboard.

Ja, and the oddest
of them all is you.

Thank heaven
this day is over!

Such a crowd, my dear. I don't
mind people stepping on my feet,

but I do object to them
loitering there.

I had a good time. Who said, ''Uneasy
lies the head that wears the crown''?

You know, I was a married
woman before I knew...

that kings didn't sleep
with their crowns on.

Where do they put them,
under the bed?

And now for the royal bed-

No, no, Gertie, don't.
You mustn't go in there.

Good gracious, child.
What's the matter?

Don't move.
Keep very still.

I'll be right back.

See who it is.

Please, you come to my room.
Something has happened.

Why, certainly.
Thank you.

I don't know
how you do it.

Didn't you see her face?
She's in trouble.

But why Mantell? Of all the
men on board, why ask his help?

Because he likes me.

What can I do
for you, Princess?

Will you please
look in that room?

Darcy.!

Ohh!

We know nothing. When we came in
just now, he was there like that.

I'd better call the captain.
Where's the phone?

Oh, don't do that.

Surely you can realize how distressing
this situation is for Her Highness.

Yes, I can understand that.
How much did you give him?

Fifty pounds and-

The money's gone.

What is it, please?

A radiogram for
Her Royal Highness.

Put it under
the door, please.

It's from Transatlantic Films.

Probably good-bye to
Transatlantic Films.

It's about
our hotel reservations.

He's gone.
A lot of help he's been.

What happens now?

Where'll I put it?
Anywhere.

Now forget everything that's
gone on here. It never happened.

But if they come to me
with questions?

Give 'em that royal freeze
you gave me. Oh, I'm so sorry-

Now, Princess, don't lose your nerve.
Get up on deck, where people will see you.

Keep moving.
Do you get the idea?

Murder. Murder.
A fine thing for my ship.

The man was a notorious
blackmailer. We ran him out of Paris.

I say!

Lorel, Steindorf,
what do you make of this?

It was caught
on Darcy's cuff link.

A blonde hair.
And a woman's.

Very significant. Then we have
a very strange coincidence.

A passenger list?
Three names are marked.

With Darcy's pencil.
Medium soft lead.

And the names?
''Princess Olga.''

Gentlemen, you're insane. Her
Highness's name on a blackmailer's list?

Why not?
There are two other names.

Mantell, our friend of the concertina
- and Petroff.

Yes, but Her Highness.

Captain, my theory is that Darcy
knew Petroff was really Paul Merko.

He came in here, tried
to extort money from him,

went too far,
and Merko killed him.

Very good. Only Darcy
wasn't killed in this room.

Huh?
What?

A child can see there are
no bloodstains on the bed.

The body was put here
after the murder.

With your permissi�n, Captain, I
suggest we question these two people.

Question Her Highness? When it
is murder, we question everybody.

What are you thinking of?
You can't question the princess.

I say, old man, we're not
suggesting a third degree.

I can't permit it.

Unfortunately, Captain, the
murderer is still aboard your ship.

Exactly. And your duty
is towards your passengers.

Well, I suppose so.

Operator, this
is Captain Nicholls.

Connect me with the suite
of the Princess Olga.

It is very late,
but if we can help you.

It is very considerate.
We'll be as brief as possible.

Does Your Highness recall a
gentleman by the name of Darcy?

Darcy?

Robert M. Darcy, blackmailer
and confidence man.

Gentlemen, do you realize
your inexcusable impertinence?

Impertinence, perhaps;
but hardly inexcusable, madame.

Murder is its own excuse. Murder?

This blackmailer, what
did you say his name was?

Darcy. We found
his body in B-50.

So? But why do you
come to us?

Your Highness will be
surprised to learn...

that your name was ticked off on a
passenger list in the dead man's pocket.

The names of two other passengers
were also marked.

Madame will understand
the need of investigating.

We understand.

These other two, are they
persons of importance?

Their names are Nicolai Petroff
and King Mantell.

Maybe they can help you.

We are very sorry we cannot
give you any information.

Good night.

The fact that you have admitted us,
Your Highness, has been a great help.

Good night.

They cannot suspect us
of the murder.

Not while I'm Princess Olga, but
how long will that last now?

Darcy?
I've never heard of him.

Did you hear any noise or
excitement in the next cabin?

No, nothing. Where did
you spend the evening?

Right here. Did you entertain a visitor?

No, nobody was here.
You were alone?

Well, practically.
I was with Benton.

Yeah, we were
both alone.

Well, Captain?

Have you any more questions,
gentlemen? I think not at present.

Well, anytime at all, boys.
Good night.

Good night.

Just like the good old days.

Absolute proof, gentlemen, that Darcy
was in the stateroom of the princess.

Not so fast, Doctor.

I found this cigarette,
half smoked, in Mantell's cabin.

It is not the brand
smoked by Mantell.

So we discover that Darcy
was also in Mantell's cabin.

Have you other gentlemen any clues
that you are keeping to yourselves?

Kawati?
Yes.

In the princess's cabin,
I found this.

A concertina.
Mantell.

So there is a close connection
between the princess and Mantell.

We must find out
what it is.

Now, gentlemen, don't
jump to conclusions.

The princess is a guest
of the line.

We cannot subject her
to indignities.

It's ridiculous to presume she
had any connection with this crime.

It is ridiculous to presume
otherwise, Captain.

But my friends,
they go too fast.

Before we can proceed, there is
one other person we must question.

Petroff. And where
is he, gentlemen?

Gentlemen, it's past midnight.

May [ suggest that you sleep
on the matter?

Ja. We have much
to think about. Good night.

What's wrong?
My ring.

Ring? The one Darcy took.
My name's engraved in it.

Oh, my stars and garters!

But you can't go prowling about
at 3:00 in the morning.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get that ring.

Any particular reason?

Well, it keeps the hair
out of my eyes.

Where'd you get the ring?

Hmm? You heard me. Where'd you get it?

Oh, there's a little thing
I picked up for 1,000 bucks.

How much?
Five hundred dollars.

Come on. Well, anyhow, I picked it up.

Yeah, you picked it
out of Princess Olga's purse.

I did not. I picked it
out of Darcy's pocket.

Quiet.

''Wanda Nash.''
Huh?

Stick with it, will you, fellows?
We've got that ship's concert.

It's liable to be a tough house, and
besides, we're playing for royalty.

I'm sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
I've been busy.

Very busy.

But I've solved
the problem of the murder.

My word! What? Who did it?

I will tell you when I have
completely finished writing my report.

If you gentlemen will come to
my cabin at 8:00 this evening,

I will give you the name of the
murderer and show you positive proof.

You too, Kawati.

One thing more.

You will please ask
Princess Olga and Mr. Mantell...

to come to my cabin
five minutes before 8: 00.

It is important
that I should see them.

Good morning, Your Highness.
They told me I'd find you here.

Good morning, Mr. Mantell.
Please, won't you sit down?

Good morning, Lady Allwyn. Mr. Mantell.

I'm coming right
down to cases.

We're going to be asked a lot
of questions, and very soon.

It would help if we all
told the same story.

We have no story,
Mr. Mantell.

Neither have we anything
to conceal. Precisely.

Okay, Princess. But suppose
one of these smart guys...

wants to know why Darcy
tried to shake you down.

Shake us down?
We do not understand.

I mean blackmail.

Mr. Mantell, nothing could be
farther from the truth.

I was the victim
of that unhappy man's perfidy.

You?
By some foul means,

Darcy became acquainted
with my youthful indiscretion.

Mr. Mantell,
it was a terrible scandal.

Great names were involved. Last
night he came to our cabin...

and demanded more money
than [ possessed.

When he grew nasty,
Her Highness came to my rescue.

Stripping a ring
from her finger,

she flung it at the fellow
and bade him be gone forever.

Was the ring valuable?

It was a small emerald.

And I suppose you want me
to get it back.

Oh, if it is possible.

Princess, your ring is
practically in my pocket right now.

Good morning, Your Highness, Lady Allwyn,
Mr. Mantell. Captain's compliments.

Dr. Steindorf requests you to be in his
cabin tonight at five minutes before 8: 00.

Did he say why?
No, sir.

Okay, thank you.
Yes, sir.

I think it would be better
if you didn't go.

Just leave it to me. Oh, and
Duchess, that story you told me-

it's swell;
stick to it.

Who did it, Steindorf? Can
you hear me? Who did it?

Call the doctor.
Have the doctor come to B-35.

Give me a hand. Let's get him
to the bed. He's badly wounded.

He's still alive,
but he's going fast.

B-35.

Who was it, Doctor? Who was
it? Was it Merko? Paul Merko?

Pass... port.

Pardon, monsieur.

When you came in this cabin,
you saw no one else?

No one.
Princess Olga?

She wasn't here.
But her appointment.

- Well?
- May I suggest that Mr. Mantell be excused...

while we conduct a thorough
investigation of this cabin.

You'll, of course, be prepared to answer any
questions we may ask after the investigation.

Certainly. And Princess Olga, Inspector?

And the Princess.

It's the finish, Gertie.
I can't see why.

You're innocent.

Forget the murders.
I can't stand investigation.

They're bound to find out who I am: Wanda
Nash, mixed up in a couple of murders.

Pretty, isn't it?

The fact remains:
You are innocent.

And truth, crushed to earth,
shall rise again.

That recalls
my biggest success.

''One Against All,''
it was called.

The best third act
that ever was written.

Are you listening?
Yes, I'm listening.

Suddenly,
I electrified the audience.

I rose to my full height.
''Gentlemen!'' I cried.

''[ may be only a weak woman,
but [ am not afraid.

''Truth, crushed to earth,

shall rise again!''

Thanks, Gertie.
What're you going to do?

You've given me a swell idea. ['m getting
dressed. ['ll put an act on that'll stop 'em.!

And that takes us back again
to Mantell. And the Princess.

Both of them must be thoroughly
investigated. Oh, not the Princess.

Why not? After all, what
do we really know about her?

- We must immediately
communicate with Stockholm.

Her Royal-

Your Highness. I demand to know
of what you dare to accuse me.

Your Highness, may I ask-
Questions, questions.

We of royal blood
do not answer questions.

We ask them. What reason have you
to connect me with this murder?

Well, I don't. Personally
- Not you, but these gentlemen.

What proof they have? They
have no proof. Merely theories.

Some perfume
- Just as we thought! We are insulted with theories.

If there is any more, we
will send radio to Sweden.

We will notify our government.
We will ask to be protected.

We will demand aeroplanes, submarines, battleships
- That is not necessary.

I will personally guarantee,
on my honor,

that you will be subjected
to no more indignities.

I am still in command
of this ship.

And on the high seas,
my word is law.

Very well, then.
We trust you.

We are only a weak woman,
but we are not afraid.

Truth, crushed to the earth,

will rise again.

Whew!

What a woman!
A blonde tiger-cat!

I suggest that you do
something about finding Merko...

before you annoy that
charming lady again.

Two murders have been done, and
you haven't even found a stowaway!

Hello, Mr. Mantell. I'm beginning
to get on to your system.

System? Yes, it's only every other
time that you don't speak to me.

Let me in on the joke.
I could use a giggle or two.

It is no joke. I am feeling
very happy today.

Must be the ocean. I never knew
there was so much water in the worid.

There has to be a lot of it. Why?

So people can drink their
eight glasses a day.

You are crazy. People
do not drink the ocean!

Fish do.
Fish are not people!

Wouldn't it be nice
if they were?

I wonder what a princess fish would do
if she ran into a concertina-player fish?

She would probably swim by him
every other time.

Your Highness. [ don't know
how to express my regrets, but-

Pardon me, Princess.
Please do not go away.

I just received this
from the owners of the line.

I must proceed
with the investigation...

regardless of rank or person.

I have told you, I shall
notify my government.

Your Highness is quite
at liberty to do so.

We ourselves may communicate
with Sweden this afternoon.

We understand, Captain. We
thank you for your courtesy.

I suggest that you wireless
your government as soon as possible.

Bad news, huh?
How do you mean?

Show a little of that royal blood, would
you? They haven't counted you out yet.

We do not know what
you are talking about.

Pull yourself together.
I've got an idea.

Princess Olga? I'm sorry to
disturb you again, Your Highness.

It won't be necessary to send
a message to your government.

Oh! So?

Mr. Mantell just left my cabin.

He has promised to reveal
the name of the murderer.

Yes. Tonight.
After the ship's concert.

Thank you, Captain.

Well, what do you know
about that?

I'm savin' this page
for your obituary notice!

I can see it now: ''King Mantell
Gets Himself Bumped Off for a Dame.''

And right here will be a picture
of you with a knife in your back.

Where will you get two cents
to buy a paper?

I ain't lettin' no dame
make a ninny out of me.

What's up?

The captain just phoned me.

You're not going through
with it! What's all this?

Nobody but a madman would do it!
After Steindorf? It's suicide!

Well, Her Highness seems
to have fallen off her horse.

Never mind about my horse.
Okay, Wanda.

The captain says-

What did you say?
''Okay, Wanda.''

I said it was practically
in my pocket.

Why didn't you tell me? I thought
it'd be nice if you told me yourself.

There's some more that
goes with it. Yeah.

I started in South Brooklyn,
chorus, cheap nightclub,

waiting for a break and-
Go on.

Well, I met Gertie in London. Poor
old Gertie. Hit on our little idea.

We gave Hollywood a title,
and they gave us a contract.

How do you like it?

Wanda Nash is
all right with me.

Now that you know everything,
please don't go through with it.

I have to. It's gone this far. If
you know, why don't you tell them now?

I would if I knew. The point is, I
don't. Then why did you say you did?

Because to catch a rat you have
to have cheese. I don't get it.

I'm the cheese. When the rat comes
to nibble, bang goes the trap.

With the cheese in it. Not if
it's a smart piece of cheese.

You can't take a chance like that. I
won't let you! Hey, where are you going?

To tell the truth. They can
investigate me till they're dizzy.

I'm not gonna let you
get your throat cut.

You've got this thing all mixed
up. Who said I was doing it for you?

- B-But then, who are you
doing it for? - For me.

You've heard of that thing
called publicity.

Climb back in that Swedish accent
of yours and-

- What are you talking about?
- It's simple. Nobody gives a hoot about Wanda Nash.

Princess Olga is news.
Front page.

It isn't every day that a concertina
player gets to tie up with a princess.

You've been in show business.
You know what ['m talking about.

Yeah, I know. But I was dumb enough
to think you were doing it for me.

Well, now you know I'm not.

I think I'll run along now and let
you have a good laugh all by yourself.

You just keep your head, and there'll
be more than laughs in it for both of us.

You get it?

I think I get it. But you get
this: I don't owe you a thing.

Once we're in the clear,
you go your way and I'll go mine.

Okay, if that's the way you want
it. That's the way I want it.

You're walkin' right into it! All them
people. You'll never know what hit you.

Will you quit worrying?
I've got this figured out.

That's what Steindorf thought. Now
look at him! Put this in your pocket.

All I want you to do
is stick around. Close.

I'll stick around,
but I ain't no Charlie Chan.

When I'm picking that guy's sewing kit out
of your back, don't say I didn't tell you.

It's working out.

Yeah. It's workin' out swell.

You ain't goin' up there
now, are you? Why not?

I don't know why you want to trade
your concertina for a harp!

Aw, come on. Let's go.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have another treat for you.

King Mantell, Monarch
of the Concertina, and his band.

A bashful troubadour am I

With so much in my heart
to say

I have no way of telling you
how much I love you

So I play

My concertina

Reveals my soul

When I lose my control
of pretty phrases

It sings your praises

My concertina

Helps me express
the song ofhappiness

That love has brought me

The song you taught me

Oh, my concertina

Gives me away

It knows that while I play
I'm thinking of you

[t says [ love you

So to convey my love

I play

My concertina

Do you think it is safe
for Mr. Mantell to be alone now?

No, madame. Someone should
certainly be with him.

Would you then, as a favor
to us all, stay near him?

Yes, madame,
if he will permit.

Oh, thank you. We all
shall be very grateful. Mmm.

Whew.! Boy, am [ glad that's over.
[ was shakin' like a plate ofjelly.

It isn't over yet. Plant yourself
near lifeboat 23. I'll be there.

Why? Why? That's the whole idea.

Whoever we want won't try
anything here. He'll get me alone.

The minute he starts something,
you come in.

Top deck, lifeboat 23. Is
that clear? You bet it's clear.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

the Princess Olga has graciously
consented to pass among you...

taking contributions
for the Seaman's Fund.

Will the Princess now start
putting on the ''bee''?

Are you really going to tell us
the name of the murderer?

I hope so. Then you must
be prepared for attack.

I'm waiting for it.
Oh, but not here.

This killer is very clever. He will wait
until you are in a more secluded place.

Hmm. It's funny
that you should say that.

That's exactly
how I figured it.

Thank you, Inspector.

I'm working on the idea that Darcy was
a blackmailer interested in three people.

Two: Princess Olga and
yourself. Petroff did not sail.

But chances are that Petroff saw
Darcy on the boat and slipped off.

It is possible. I suppose you didn't
spot Darcy coming aboard. Was he alone?

No. The first time I saw
Darcy was in Petroff's cabin.

Dead.

Well, I think I'll take a turn
on the top deck.

You care to come along? Yes,
I think it would be safe.

I'm beginning to appreciate
your interest in me. Thank you.

You sent for me? Yes. It's
only fair to acquaint you...

with the new and
extremely significant clue...

to the murder of Darcy.
Yes?

This banknote has been positively
identified as belonging to Darcy.

It was undoubtedly taken from his
pocket by the man who killed him.

So far, so good.
Do you recognize it?

Yes. I put it
in your basket.

But [ had no idea-
Of course.

You want to know how it came into
my possessi�n. Yes. Do you remember?

Very well. I won it
in a game of poker.

Who gave it to you?
Who were the other players?

Let me think.

There was an American
from Boston.

And a stranger
whom I'd not met before.

And Lorel. That's all. Of course, we
can leave out your old friend Lorel.

My old friend?

I say, let us go
into that for a moment.

Fog's thickening up a bit.

Swell night for a murder.

Monsieur chooses the
wrong time to be amusing.

Delay is dangerous. If you know the name
of the murderer, why not tell me now?

All right, I'll tell you.

His name is...
Paul Merko.

Why, we know that. But who
is he? Can you point him out?

I'm going to,
if my theory works out.

Hmm.

Quite embarrassing if Monsieur Lorel should
come into his cabin and find all this!

Naturally, I should apologize. Rather difficult
to apologize for accusing him of murder!

Inspector, what is it
you are looking for?

Frankly, [ don't know.
Oh, gentlemen, hurry.

Out on deck, uh-
He's been hurt, sir.

- Who? Who?
- Mr. Mantell's friend, Mr. Benton.

Mr. Lorel, put yourself in Merko's spot.
An escaped criminal, condemned to death.

You'd try to leave the country,
wouldn't you? That is logical.

All right, if somebody
recognized you, what would you do?

You'd kill him, wouldn't you? Possibly,

if the opportunity
presented itself.

Then you'd take your victim's
clothes, passport and name.

Maybe your victim
had already booked passage.

That would account for
Merko's being on board.

Very good, monsieur. But that
- Wait a minute.

Who would be most likely to
recognize an escaped criminal?

An expert in disguises, like Merko?
Five-to-one it would be a detective.

That is ridiculous! You would have the
murderer on board masquerading as a detective?

Merko's clever.
He'd be just the man to do it.

Perhaps you could even tell me
the nationality of the detective.

I could give you my own idea.

Merko escaped in France.

My detective
would be... French.

You are very clever,
my friend.

Sometimes that is
very foolish.

Then you are Paul Merko. Your
reasoning has been flawless.

It is too bad for you.

Move over to the rail.

You fire that, and it'll
be heard all over the boat.

The foghorn will cover it...
the next time it blows.

If you are expecting someone,
he must have disappointed you.

Any second now.

Put up your hands, Merko!

Agh!

Man overboard.!
You all right, old man?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Man overboard.!

Where'd he get you, buddy?
I'm all right.

Who are you, anyway? I'll
tell you all about that later.

Do you think you can get up? Sure.

If you help me.
I'll get you to the doctor.

Man the lifeboats.!

I can understand you
getting drunk in Paris,

stowin' away on this ship.

I can even understand a newspaperman
wanting to get his job back.

But I can't understand
why you had to sock me.

I'll tell you the truth. I knew if I
left you alone, you'd gum up the works.

Well, that's different!

Okay!

Hey!

['ve never seen anything like it.!
The crowd that's come on board.

Half of New York
is here to greet you.

I'm not going
through with it.

In heaven's name,
what are you talking about?

They're waiting to lay
the worid in your lap.

That isn't what I want.
Oh.

So that's it.
That concertina squeezer.

Now listen to me, child. We've
been through all this together.

We're on the homestretch.

['m not going to let you
throw it all away now.!

If you please, Your Highness,

the reception committee
awaits you on deck.

Your Highness, may I present Mr.
Gustafson of the Swedish press.

Er kungliga hoghot.
Svensk Amirikanarna har,

onskar mig bjuda, en sa
skon och hedrande storket,

och landsmanina
valkomme till Amerika.

Jag tacan er.
Jag ar glad.

What did you say,
Your Highness?

Quiet, quiet.!
This is a national hookup.!

Ladies and gentlemen, Transatlantic
Films takes pleasure in introducing...

our latest importation:
Princess Olga of Sweden.

Go ahead, Princess.

This is Princess Olga talking
to the great American public.

All my life I dream of coming to this
beautiful country of yours like this.

This is the happiest day of-

This is the happiest day-

No, no, it isn't. I-I've never
been so unhappy in my life.

I can't go on being a phony.
I'm nothing, do you understand?

But Princess! I've never been
to Sweden. I'm a Brooklyn gal!

My folks live
on 15th Street.

They're there right now. Ma!
Ma, can you hear me? Oh, no.

There must be some mistake!

She's ill! She's raving
mad! She's delirious!

Excuse me!
Give us the lowdown!

Hey, King. The Swede just told
the worid she ain't no princess!

She what? Yeah. She starts yellin'
for her mama and then runs out.

Wanda! Well, you certainly
made a swell job of it.

You ever see anything like it?

I must have been crazy. It was
the break I was waiting for.

Everybody counting on me.
Flowers. The brass band.

Speeches and men in silk hats.
All for me!

And what did I do?
Kick it all over, for what?

Oh, you don't know the great
American public. They'll eat it up. I-

It's all your fault. Dozens of
boats-Why did you have to take this one?

Why did you have to get me all mixed up?
Why did I have to fall in love with you?

You big lug!

Wh-What are you yelling at me
for? I'm in just as bad a fix.

I don't know whether
I'm coming or going!

Come here.

No good ever came
out of a concertina.

The tradition of our sisterhood
at Phi Gamma Kappa

goes back to the days
when cotton was king.

And just as it has been
for generation after generation,

the friendships you have
so lovingly cultivated and nourished here

will remain amongst the most
treasured possessions of your lives.

Through times of happiness
and times of sadness,

good fortune and tribulation,

you will always remember
this time together.

You are at a crossroads,
a junction in your lives.

May the road you travel speed you
towards your dreams and goals

with no sudden curves or detours
to divert you from your path.

For those of you who are graduating,
this is your farewell ball.

Congratulations, girls!

And God bless you!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I have the pleasure of presenting

the queen of the Phi Gamma Kappa
spring ball, Miss April Delongpre.

And her fianc�,
Mr Chad Douglas Fairchild.

President of our brother fraternity
Alpha Lambda Chi.

The next time we all will be dancing
together will be at their wedding.

This is a dream
come true for me, baby.

From the moment I first laid my eyes on
you I knew that one day you'd be my wife.

And this is just the beginning.

I've got it all planned out.

What I want is to make you happy.

What I want is to give you
everything your little heart desires.

What I want is to run away to a tropical
island somewhere and live in a grass hut.

- Eat coconuts for the rest of our lives?
- Coconuts and mangoes and papayas.

Don't do this to me.
You're driving me nuts.

That's the idea, Chad.

April.

We got a present for you.

Come on.

- Your hair!
- It's beautiful. Hello, darling.

- Your hair looks great.
- Outrageous.

What are you girls up to?

- It's for your wedding night.
- We can't wait.

Frederick's of Hollywood?
What do my little sisters think I am?

Good Lord, look out!

Hey, what are you doing?

OK, that does it. OK.

You're in for it now.
I'm going to get you.

Get off my sister!

That's a hell of a shot, son.

If your dad and I weren't keen on you bein'
a lawyer, I'd sponsor you on the Pro Tour.

Senator, I like things to work.
I like 'em nice and neat.

One of these days you'll hook a shot
and get stuck in the rough.

That's gonna give you character.
I mean that with all best intentions.

Come on, April.
One more time.

Please, we really should go home.

Just one more time. It's so much fun.

I'll get 'em off for you.
I used to be an elephant tamer.

Kyle, leave 'em be.
This one's on the house.

How about you, princess?
Wanna take a spin?

- I'm not a princess.
- I knew a real one once.

She was from the Sudan.
Her daddy was king for a day.

You better do what he says.

If you don't,
he'll hold your kinfolk hostage.

- I'd really rather not.
- Come on, April, one more time.

You'll love it.

I've known a May and a June,
but never an April.

I wish I could persuade you
to get on that ride.

Wipe the seat off for the princess.
It'll make her feel better.

If not for him, then for me.

My blood pressure's high,
my days are numbered,

there's only so much more
a man my age can take.

Come on, we're going home now.

- Could you please let them out?
- Cut 'em loose, Speed.

You tried hard,
but you can't win 'em all.

Round one goes to the princess.

He must like you, girls.
He usually doesn't back down so easy.

Is there a Miss Delongpre in the crowd?

April?

Darling, I'm talkin' to you.
I found this on the ground.

- Thank you.
- How do I know who you are, princess?

How do I know you're
the real April Delongpre?

And who's this good-looking devil?
Your husband?

- Not yet.
- Two more weeks.

Choo-Choo. What kind of name is that?

His real name's Chad.
She just calls him Choo-Choo.

- May I have my wallet back, please?
- You bet, April. Anything you say.

Hey, Choo-Choo.
I wanna wish you the best.

You say hello to your mommy
and daddy for me.

Tell your daddy I'm looking forward to
a special dance with him at the wedding.

Come on, let's go for a ride.
Get a motel room.

Whaddya say?

We'll have the rest of our lives
to be together.

You drive me crazy. You do.

I'm never sure about ya.
I never know what you want.

- Bye-bye.
- It won't be long now, sugar.

- April.
- Mrs Chad Douglas Fairchild.

Ready for the wedding?

Oh, Chad, you drive me crazy.

Does your mama know
where you are? Huh?

- Can anybody identify you?
- Her name's Kay.

- How well do you know her?
- Since kindergarten.

What's she got on her mind?
Why are you following me?

What you got down there?
How's it doin'? Wanna come with me?

Which one of you girls
wanna come with me?

You better use it while you got it,
cos it won't last forever.

Smiley, Buck, you cheap sons of bitches.

One day this carnival
will come down around you,

if you don't start puttin'
some money back into it.

- You gotta spend money to make money.
- Fuck you, Perry.

That's good, Smiley.
"Fuck you" covers just about everything.

- I paid for that beer.
- Don't be so goddamned stingy.

What goes around comes around.
The more you give, the more you get.

Reality's all in how you perceive it.
Isn't that right?

Everything you say is right, Perry.

If you ain't the most beautiful old bastard
I ever seen, I don't know who is.

I love you. You got it all, kid.

You're an angel, a saint,
a cowboy, an Indian.

You're the devil sent here
to keep us all honest.

Are you in or are you out?

He's in. Definitely in.

You talk too much.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I know you love me.
I love you, too.

Yeah, yeah.

If you didn't bite everybody, I wouldn't
have to keep you cooped up in here.

And you're so fucking tough.

Good-looking and so tough.

Remember me?

The man who returned your wallet?

Aren't you gonna talk to me?

You know the first thing
I thought when I saw you here?

I really did think that -
no, hope's a better word for it -

that you were out here lookin' for me.

Are you?

I couldn't sleep.

I know you've got a lotta things
on your mind right now

with the wedding comin' up,

and everything.

Yeah.

I can understand that.

So...

I'll be saying good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Let's go, young 'uns.

You sure you don't want to come along?

I'd rather not, Dad. I have so much
to do yet before the wedding.

- You take it easy.
- Maybe I'll take a swim at the club.

That's a good idea. Bye.

If Jessie calls,
give him our number at the lake.

Don't worry.
Have a good time.

- Bye.
- Bye. Be good.

Bye, April.

- We'll be going now.
- Thanks, Jimmy.

Looking forward to the big day. Those
gardenias I planted are for your bouquet.

They're lovely.
Take some home for yourself.

- Thank you, Miss April. Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.

I want you to get out of my house.

- Do you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to inconvenience you.
I just needed a hot shower.

- This sure is nice-smellin' soap.
- I'm warning you.

No wonder women smell so good.
What is it? Essence of lilac?

I want you to leave immediately
or I'll call the police.

I don't think you will. Our meeting
last night clued me into you.

Is this extra dry?
My hair's awful sensitive.

I don't care about your hair.
Just get your dog and go!

How can I do that, when it says,

Wait three minutes after conditioning
or your hair will be unmanageable?

If you've got any ideas about going near
that phone, I might walk out on the lawn.

Naked. Bare-ass naked.
You wouldn't want that, would you?

It's a beautiful day. Isn't it?

You had your chance,
but you didn't run away, did you?

No, I didn't.

And you didn't call the police either.

No, I didn't.

Why not, do you suppose?

I hope you don't mind, but
I helped myself to a bottle of champagne.

I try not to drink during the day,
but, this bein' a special occasion,

I figured what the hell?

You frighten me.

I understand. I'm sorry I had to
come into your house like this,

but since I'm only gonna be in town a day
or so that doesn't give us much time.

And... I knew you wouldn't mind.

Let's go over there,

sit on the couch.

And get to know one another.

You're the cockiest
son of a bitch I've ever met.

I'm not really.

I just like to hear myself talk.

And I like beautiful things.

And a woman like you
comes along only once in a lifetime.

- Bullshit.
- I swear.

When I leave...

I'd like you to give me
a bottle of your perfume.

And as I'm driving from town to town,

I'll put a little on my hand,

right there,

I'll bring it up to my nose and
every time I smell it I'll remember you

and how beautiful you are.

You got a mole on your shoulder.

Looks like a little kiss.

Help me if you don't have beautiful skin.

You smell so good.

I can't keep my hands off of you.
I was gonna come and just have a shower

and a nice, hot cup of coffee, but...

you excite me so much
I can't help myself.

Nothing like this has ever
happened to me before.

Oh, boy.

There it is.

I went to a store in the Mojave,
out in California.

A man there taught me
how to use one of these.

Thought for sure I was gonna buy one.

Told me he shot a video
of his wife playin' with herself.

Can you imagine that? A total stranger
tellin' me something like that?

Look, there you are on TV.

How about a little smile?

You don't feel like smiling?

I can understand that.

But, April, darlin',...

I didn't just show up here by mistake.
You invited me.

You might not know it, but you did.

It's all right there in your eyes.

April? It's me, baby.

I just spoke to
the real-estate agent in Tuscaloosa.

The condo's ours. Congratulations.

I'm gonna stay a few more days to make
sure everything's perfect when we arrive.

I love you, baby. Big kiss.

Bye.

April, honey.

Let me look at you.

You'll be the prettiest bride since
your grandma walked down that staircase

on her daddy's arms.

We got that photograph of you
and that handsome beau of yours

just dancing away at the sorority ball.

Wait a minute.
Belle, got a surprise for you.

- Look who come to visit.
- I can see.

April, honey, how wonderful of you
to come out all this way just to see us.

Are those flowers for me?
Do I smell freesias? My favourite.

I picked them fresh on the way over.

- How thoughtful of you.
- I watched you drive in.

I see your daddy bought you
a new car for graduation.

It's for graduation and the wedding.
Chad's parents bought him a red one.

I can still see that Lincoln convertible

that Belle's daddy bought
for her graduation.

It was white, and it had
the softest tan-leather upholstery

you ever laid your eyes on.

April, you turned out
to be a beautiful young woman.

Belle and I are so proud of you.

Thank you.

Come here and tell me, child.
Have you tamed Chad yet?

And don't you do it, either.
Just keep him wild as long as you can.

You're incorrigible, Grandma.

Don't you Grandma me, April.

You know very well
what I'm talking about.

I've been watching you at parties and
with boys ever since you were a little girl,

and I might say you come by it naturally.

I know I seem so sure of myself.

But sometimes...

I get this feeling inside, Belle,

and I'm so scared.

I really find that hard to believe, April.

When I was your age,
I was expecting a baby.

That was the year my father died
and everything fell on my shoulders.

And your grandfather, rest his soul,

he wasn't much help to me.

But he was the most handsome
and virile man in the county.

And every woman that set
her eyes on him wanted him.

So I disciplined myself
to play the cards that life dealt me.

And you never had second thoughts?

Second thoughts are a luxury I've never
afforded myself. And neither should you.

It's just everything's moving so fast.

I feel that I haven't had
enough time for me.

Delilah, if my mom or anyone else calls,
could you tell them I'm here,

but that I'm out taking a walk?
I just don't feel like goin' home just yet.

April.

I don't know if your father told you,

but I'm arranging for you
to have this house after I'm gone.

This house and the property
from here to Two Moon Junction.

I don't know what to say.

Well, there'll be a trust to take care
of the taxes and general maintenance.

All I need you to do is to make sure
that when your time comes,

you see that it stays in the family.

Can you do that for me, April?

Of course.

And I also wanna say how proud I am that
you've chosen to wear my wedding dress.

You deserve it, honey.

You deserve it.

Earl? It's Belle.

Belle, how are you, sugar?

I'd like you to do
a little somethin' for me.

No problem. I'll keep an eye on her.

Remember, save me
a dance at that weddin'.

Excuse me.

You from Welcome Wagon?

- I'm looking for the other man.
- What other man?

I'm the only man. The last one left.
The rest are gone.

If I find me a good woman, I'm goin', too.

The other man. Perry.
D'you know where he is?

Oh, him. Do you know he got run over
by a train, lost both his legs?

He died this morning.

Bye.

Any liquor in your purse?

No.

You got some money.
Go get me some.

Go with her.

Bourbon. Get me some bourbon.

Go on.

Don't pay any attention to him.
He's just drunk.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I should come back
when you're feeling better.

Bourbon.

Get me some bourbon.

You fucking asshole.

What the hell am I doing here?

He does have a certain charm
about him when he's not like this.

What are you gonna do? Let's just
go get the son of a bitch some liquor.

Come on, keep me company.

Come on, Tom, get in the back.
Ever been in one of these before?

- No, never.
- You're gonna like it. It's a little bumpy.

I can't stand them when they get drunk.

You never want to mess with them
when they get that way.

You just gotta ride it out.

But if they ain't drunk, they're dull.

I'm glad you came along.
He was driving me crazy.

Got a cigarette?
I left mine in my purse.

- I don't smoke.
- Fuck you, dickhead!

I wish I had your discipline. I tried to quit
once and I thought "I'll die soon anyway.

- What'd you say your name was? April?
- Yes!

I knew it. You're the one
that's about to be married.

Perry told me all about you when we met.
I'm Patti Jean. Hang on.

Did that son of a bitch make you take
an AIDS test before he fucked you?

I didn't think so. He said it wasn't
cos he was afraid of dying.

He just didn't wanna spread
the disease indiscriminately.

I think he just didn't wanna die
having people think he was gay.

He's pretty enough
to give that impression.

Kind of humiliated me.
Wanna talk about humiliating?

I know a girl who flies with Savannah

and she said
when people die on aeroplanes,

they lock 'em
in the fuckin' bathroom until they land.

Now I ask you, if that ain't
the ultimate humiliation, what is?

Ending up your life on a toilet seat
35,000 feet in the air. Shit.

Hang on.

We're here.

Shit. Hey!

What kind o' liquor did he say he wanted?

Bourbon, right.
Hey, you got a bathroom?

I'm gonna pee in my fuckin' pants. Get
the liquor. I gotta go to the bathroom bad!

Now you know my secret.
I put a little rouge on it.

Makes it easier to see through my blouse.

It's a real '60s thing to do, but it's cute.

Boys'd howl when I wore
angora sweaters in junior high.

I love angora. You ever put
yours in the refrigerator?

- No.
- Makes it real fuzzy.

I bet you got great tits. I can tell.

- But you shouldn't be ashamed of 'em.
- I'm not.

And your hair'd look sexier
if you'd wet it and slick it back.

I'm a hairdresser - I know what I'm
talking about. I do 30 makeovers a week.

And that top would look so much better
if you weren't wearing a bra.

- Wanna let me try it on?
- What?

I'll shut the door.

- Come on, let me try it on.
- OK.

That's nice. Wanna try mine?

I designed it myself.
It'll look so cute on you.

You've got the perfect figure for it.

Come on, don't be shy.
Just put it on and say goodbye princess.

Sorry. I know it would look good on you.
I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Come on. Perry'll love it.

Looks good, doesn't it?

Let's see.

It's at moments like this I can see
why guys like women so much.

And this damn bull, it kept
working around in the undergrowth.

- Help!
- Oh, holy shit!

Oh, damn it! I can't...
Speed, where the hell are you?

Hey, Rube! Someone's gonna die!

You all right?

See that?
Those kids could have been killed!

People put their lives in your hands.
You've got a responsibility to them.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.

Everything is "Fuck you".
Everything boils down to fuckin' money.

- Money. You want money? Here, take it.
- Money! That's what I like.

Stand back.

What you got there, Buck? Got a gun?

Go get 'em, Perry. Take the whole
French foreign legion to take my Perry.

I gotta tell you,
he got me so hot the first time.

I thought I'd go through the ceiling.

Even better than my second husband,
and he was from Pittsburgh.

Come on, boy!

Holy shit.

Hang on.

Argh!

Fucker!

Jerk!

Scumbag!

Cocksucker!

Thanks.

No!

Get back! Get back!

Stand back!

Easy, man. Take it easy.

- Get off him!
- Yeah, let him alone.

I'm gonna...

Get your fucking dog and
your fucking girls and get outta here.

Now!

Want some?

The lady's got a secret.

Don't you?

I ain't got no secret.

I ain't got nothin', except a bike,

a truck, and a post-office box
in Clearwater, Florida.

- So, what colour's your living room?
- White.

- But it's not my house. It's my parents'.
- Is your bedroom white, too?

It's beige and floral print.

My place is wood panel.
I never lived in anything else but.

Except when I lived in Vegas.
I was married to this guy in the Air Force.

And they put us up in this place.
It was great. A prefab with a balcony.

- You wanna dance?
- No.

Come on, we're here. Let's have fun.

This is my favourite song.
And you're gonna dance with me now.

Go to him.

Ask him to take you for a ride on his bike.

Nothing but the sound of the engine

and the clouds in the sky.

Don't worry about me.

I'm takin' a bus outta here in the morning.

I don't know where I'm goin',

but I can't wait to get there.

- Hello?
- Delilah? It's me, April.

- April, honey?
- Did my mom or anyone else call for me?

- Why, nobody.
- If they do,

could you tell them
I'm on my way home?

- Of course.
- Thanks.

Bye.

- Ay, perdone, regresamos m�s tarde.
- No, no, no, no. It's OK. You can stay.

- Where are you from?
- Puerto Rico.

Is that your sister?

- No, no.
- Cousin?

- No, es amiga.
- Amiga.

Can you ask your friend why
she's not wearing any underwear?

Que quiere saber que por qu�
no tienes pataletas puestas.

She washed them last night. They're
not dry enough to wear this morning.

She only got one pair?

Parece que si.

You son of a bitch.

Bed's barely cold,
you're trying to get someone else in it?

What the hell. As long as the room's paid
for, I might as well get my money's worth.

Parece que est�n juntos, v�monos.

You hollow, manipulative piece of shit.
Everything you are is between your legs.

Then why don't you come over here
and give me a kiss good mornin'?

- I don't know what the hell I'm doing here.
- It's called lust, baby.

Yep, there's no mistaking it.

What's happened to April is
she's come face to face with her libido.

Fuck you. I don't have to take this shit.

I bet you didn't think I knew
what that word meant!

Libido! Unchecked desire.

Who do you think you are?
You come to my house...

It's not your house. It's your mommy
and daddy's house. And you invited me.

I don't recall giving you my address!

- You came cos you wanted to come.
- You can believe anything you want.

You're so far gone there's no hope.
You're psychotic.

You know what that means?
Fundamental mental derangement.

- You are beyond social redemption.
- Better than being hysterical.

You lose, mister. You're all alone.

You don't care about anybody
and nobody gives a shit about you.

That's right, baby.
I'm the phantom of the night.

- Asshole.
- Princess.

- Motherfucker.
- Sweet pea.

Cocksucker. Scumbag.

- Precious.
- Pig shit.

- Dumpling.
- Scumbag.

You already said that.

- You bastard.
- Better be careful what you say.

People might think we like each other.

You can rot in hell for all I care.

I'm sorry for the disturbance, folks.

But you got to admit,
that's one special wacko chick.

I'm gonna buy you breakfast, asshole.

You know, I have a grandmother

that I'm sure was about
the hottest thing on the planet.

There was a time,
every Saturday night,

and they'd dress up
in tuxedos and gowns

and go down to our pavilion at
Two Moon Junction and dance all night.

- Two Moon Junction?
- Yeah.

That's my favourite place in all the world.

My great-great-granddaddy
was a pirate, you know.

- No.
- Really.

Yeah, he and Lafitte and some others
got very pissed off at the slave traders

and started raiding their ships and setting
all the slaves free in South America.

My grandmother says they had a dream of
America being the last bastion of freedom.

But then they realised the problem was
too big and they could do nothing about it,

so they settled on the land
and raised cotton.

And put the slaves to work
on the plantation.

My grandmother says he did it
because he came to understand

there would never be heaven on earth.

There's always going to be corruption.
Nothing was ever going to be perfect.

What you mean to say is there was more
money in cotton than in being a hero.

- Somethin' like that.
- You're gonna make a hell of a lawyer.

I expect to live a double life.

Maybe even a triple one if I get lucky.

And here I thought you were
just another tight-ass princess.

You look like a princess.
You talk like a princess.

And you definitely have a tight ass.

Darlin'.

Don't ever take
this southern woman for granted.

Excuse me, son. Is that your rig
parked over there at Malcolm's place?

There they be, son.

Jonah and Jonah Junior.

They're so old they can't remember
who's pappy and who's son.

They're weird and full of superstition.

Burying a dead animal on their land
could cause the cows to give bloody milk,

or bring on a swarm o' locusts.

Jonah, Jonah Junior,

I told this boy if he'd dig up his animal,

I might be able to persuade you
to drop the charges against him.

You see, it was dark and he wanted
a nice place to put his animal to rest.

He didn't know he was
trespassing and he's sorry.

Do yourself a favour, son.

I loved my dog.

The song they're singing goes way back.
It's a kind of prayer.

So, where'd you say
you were hailed from, son?

The east.

Anywhere near
Cambridge, Massachusetts?

No, sir.

My grandson's going up there
this fall, to Harvard Law School.

I wish him luck.

We're talking about $32,000 a year tuition,
room and board.

But it ain't gonna cost me a penny,
no, sirree, because, thank the Lord,

we got people round here who recognise
and support outstanding achievement.

You know who Little Richard is, don't ya?

Sure.

I remember he used to ride around here
in his Cadillac always raisin' billy hell.

Got so bad, the judge had to throw
his black ass out of the county

and told him never to come back.

What I'm trying to say, son,
is that not much goes on in this county

that I don't know about.

Savvy?

Did you get your manicure?

It's perfect.

You look absolutely beautiful.

You have done a wonderful job
on the dresses. Thank you so much.

They look great.

You know, Alice in Wonderland
has always been my favourite story.

I always dreamed of having
a storybook wedding, and now I am.

Shoes and hats.

It's perfect.

Wow. Pretty exciting, isn't it?

I just love these dresses.
They make us all look so good.

Makes your tits look bigger this way.

I'm planning on using these
kind of dresses for my wedding.

If I ever get married,
which I probably won't.

But if I do, these types
of dresses would be nice.

You're welcome to it.
I won't be needing it after tomorrow.

Besides, next time I get married,
I'm gonna run off to Las Vegas.

April, bite your tongue!

Carolee, honey,
could you give us a moment alone?

This is gonna be a wonderful weddin'.
I can't wait.

Honey, there's so little time.

And I thought... well, I thought since
you and Chad are still going to school,

you're not countin' on
havin' a family right away.

So I took the liberty of putting together
this little... care package for you.

I don't know. There's a lot of things here.

There's so much and
I don't know what you would use.

But, what do you think?

Honey, I know that you know.

You never really talked.

Oh, April. I'm happy.

Sorry, Mrs Delongpre,
but, April, you have to see this. Come on.

d You are so beautiful to me

d You are so beautiful to me

d Can't you see?

d Everything I dreamed of

d You're everything I want, baby

Mm-mm. He's one
gorgeous hunk of a man.

d Can't you see?

Isn't he the one at the carnival?
The one that found your wallet?

Till tomorrow, April.

I don't recall.

Oh, shit.

Thank you.

- What's goin' on here?
- I have no idea.

- Good afternoon, Belle.
- Good morning.

Yeah!

- Hi, Grandma.
- You beautiful girls.

You're getting more beautiful
every time I see you.

Aren't they turning into
lovely young ladies?

Yes, they certainly are.

Is that any way for the future
Mrs Chad Douglas Fairchild

to be dressed
the day before her wedding?

- We've been having fittings all day.
- You poor thing.

- What is that monstrosity?
- It's a tent, Belle.

I can see that.

Whatever does your mother
have in mind?

- It's for the buffet.
- It looks more like a circus to me.

Girls, would you take these cold drinks
out to those hardworking boys out there?

- You look beautiful, Belle.
- Thank you, dear.

- What about me?
- That goes without saying, Delilah.

- It's him. I told you it was him.
- It is him. It is him.

He said we were the cutest girls
he'd seen all month.

He's really gorgeous.

It used to be that I knew the Christian
name of every day worker in the county.

Nowadays you just open the Yellow Pages
and take your chances with the riffraff.

Delilah and I are contemplating
carrying pistols in our pocketbooks.

Ain't that the truth?

Not only is that tent an eyesore,
it's a potential hazard. Young man!

Young man, can't you do
something about those guy lines?

Somebody's bound to trip on that
and break their neck.

I think this will solve
your problem, ma'am.

By the way,
that's a beautiful outfit you're wearing.

The finest of silk pongee,
the likes of which I haven't seen

since Mademoiselle ran that layout
on Princess Di's trousseau.

- You're pushing your luck, aren't you?
- I'm just tryin' to earn a livin'.

Minimum wage. $3.35 an hour.

It's not much, but I can make it work.

- You know, there's a line...
- Of course. That's what holds up the tent.

That's not the line I'm referring to.

The line I'm talking about is the line
between good manners and bad manners,

order and chaos. Cross that line...

If you're talkin' about the state line,
princess, I've already seen it.

They're place settings for 36, April,
taken from the court of King George

and handed down from eldest daughter
to eldest daughter, every other generation,

from the time our forefathers
decided to legitimise themselves,

and join the civilised society.

Since that time, the Delongpre family can
claim three governors, two US senators,

three electives of
the House of Representatives,

a Supreme Court justice,

and an ambassador to Chile.

And at our table we've had
the likes of General Patton,

President Woodrow Wilson,
Jimmy Carter,

Lyndon Johnson, the actress,
Tallulah Bankhead, and Truman Capote

and that film star, Grace Kelly,
before she married her prince.

And Betty Ford, after her rehabilitation.

Come election time, where do our Yankee
brothers come a-courtin' but here?

For where the south goes,
so goes the presidency.

And why is that?

Cos we here in the south
take care of our own.

Always have, always will.

Perry?

Perry.

Perry, come out. I don't have much time.

I said to myself "If she comes here
wearing high-heeled shoes,

then she's come
cos she wanted to come.

There's almost $5,000 here.
Please take it and go away.

I saw your fianc� today.
I love that song he was singing.

He showed good taste there.

I bet his friends
are giving him a stag party tonight.

If you don't want the money,
give it to charity.

Keep your money.

How come you aren't wearing
any panties, April, darling?

What kind of a way is that to come see
somebody you don't wanna see?

I know. Don't tell me.

You washed them out before
you went to bed and they're not dry yet.

You're a real son of a bitch.

At first you excited me.

Now you repulse me.
You've got no mystery.

- Everything you are...
- Is between my legs.

It's crazy.

I've run a million miles
and who should I fall in love with?

The very girl I was running away from.

You're lying.

You lie about everything.

Am I?

Come here.

I wanna show you something.

To the merging of two
great southern families.

Good luck to you, Chad.
May God bless you.

- Hear! Hear!
- I'll drink to that.

His name's Max.

I was gonna call him Tom II,
but I figured he needed his own identity.

He's beautiful.

I wanted to give you one
for your wedding,

but then I figured it would be
kinda hard for you to explain.

My cousins and I used to come here
all the time when we were kids.

It was our place.

We did everything together.

In the summer we used to sneak around at
night and watch our parents making love.

Then we'd come in here,
strip down and touch each other all over.

One night, after a party,

they both got crazy drunk,

took their father's Lincoln Continental
and crashed it into a telephone pole.

Timothy, the one who was driving, lived.

But Charles died.

Two months later, Timmy put a gun to
his head and shot himself out of despair.

You remind me of them.

We used to play this game,
my cousins and I.

They'd blindfold me,

and I'd try to guess which
one of them I was with.

I'm not your cousins.

What cousins?

What do you want?

What time's your wedding?

Noon.

Yeah.

Well...

I'll wait around till then.

See what happens.

Everybody, they're here! Come on,
they're here! Come on, they're here.

OK.

Come on, big fella.
Looks like she's not coming.

Come on, kiddo. We're on.

Darlin', is something wrong?

- What's the matter?
- I need a minute.

- Sugar, are you all right?
- Yes. No.

Belle, I think you should go back
and see what's happening.

Good God.

Darling, you look so beautiful.
We're so proud of you.

Belle, I don't know if I can do this.

But we love you,
and we only want what's best for you.

- What's goin' on?
- You may be about to get some character.

- She's got cold feet?
- No. Just a little holdup. I'll handle it.

If y'all just hold on a minute,
the bride's got a wrinkle in her dress.

You know how these things are.
Now, don't anybody go away.

I won't let you throw your life away
on a passing fancy.

Passion fades. Believe me, I know.

What are you talking about?

I was afraid this would happen.

He will never interfere with your life
again.

Belle, what did you do?

Belle?

He asked me for money.
I gave it to him.

That's not true.

He would never take money.

- Everyone has his price.
- Not him.

April, my beautiful, courageous child,

have I ever lied to you?

Now...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to inconvenience you.

It's just that I was in the neighbourhood
and I needed a nice, hot shower.

Sure is nice-smellin' soap.