Original subtitles

Okay, so get this:

The last couple of weeks have been crazy for me.

I found out aliens live here.

Like, legit, from outer space aliens.

And since I'm the only human who knows,

they want me to babysit their kids.

How dope is that?

Of course, I can't tell anyone about this,

which is why I'm talking to an alien baby.

- But whatever. - Zagellian: Feed me!

I'm trying! Now which one's your mouth hole?

(alien slurps, belches)

Well, that wasn't it.

(theme song playing)

? Ohh, yeah ?

? I do normal like a fish rides a bicycle ?

? Fit in like summer and an icicle ?

? Don't fight it, just be an original ?

? Ooh ooh ooh ?

? I roller-skate outside the lines ?

? When I try to stay in, it's no surprise ?

? It's a fail, it's okay, I'm one of a kind ?

? O ne of a... one of a kind ?

? So, anytime I feel some type of way ?

? Don't understand the human race ?

? So what, so what, so what ?

? I do my thing I do my thing ?

? You do your thing, you do your thing ?

? When we don't fit in, ooh ooh ?

? We stand out in the crowd and we shout it loud ?

? I do my thing, I do my thing ?

? I'm the one and only, I'm the one and only ?

? Don't try to fit in, don't try to fit in ?

? Mmmm mmmm I do my thing ?

The Mysteries of Havensburg Club is about finding and exposing

all the paranormal, odd, and downright weird things

that happen around this town.

So, then, Gabby,

have you observed anything out of the ordinary this week?

(Gabby laughing)

This is so out of the ordinary!

Nope. Nada.

Me neither!

I just wish I could find something!

It doesn't have to be big:

A Sasquatch footprint,

one scale from a sewer gator,

something that smells kind of alien!

If I could just find anything,

people would finally know I was right

and I would spread my truth across the globe.

Well, I guess it's just a bummer we live in a super normal town, then.

Anyway, on to our next order of business.

Check this out!

Those are VIP tickets to Blooderella 9: The Bloodening.

How did you get these?

I won them on a radio call-in show!

I think because I'm the only person who still listens to radio.

Blooderella is maybe my favorite

nine-part scary movie franchise of all time!

I am in!

? ?

(both imitate explosion)

Both: One, two, three, four.

You know, this kid online was trying to tell me

that the Octo-Slay Trilogy was better than Blooderella,

but I was, like, no way.

Aliens don't have tentacles. That's a fact.

Uh, yeah. Totally. (chuckles)

So, in conclusion,

while Chris is certainly more dreamy,

more data is needed

to definitively answer the question

which Hemsworth brother is more talented.

End report.

Send to Gor-Monite central archive,

priority alpha.

What are you doing?

I've been asked to submit reports on Earth culture,

as our people's leading expert on humanity.

Yeah, about that.

We're supposed to be blending in as humans, right?

That is correct, yes.

Well, how am I supposed to blend in as human

if you don't let me spend any time around them?

I wanna go out in the world.

Oh, Jeremy, we have talked about this.

Now, it is my job to watch over you,

and I just don't think you're ready yet.

Come on. Please.

Gabby gave me a taste of human life,

and I want more.

You're an expert on them.

Take me out and teach me. Share your wisdom.

Well, I suppose if you were accompanied

by a suitable expert such as myself...

Very well. Tomorrow I shall take you out and teach you

literally everything there is to know about humans.

- Baller! - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Lesson one: Humans never use the word "baller"

to express pleasure.

They prefer "boo yah."

Boo yah!

? ?

Both: One, two, three, four.

- Wesley: See ya. - Gabby: See ya.

So, how did your club meeting go?

Did you guys find any Loch Ness monsters?

Look, I get it. It's a silly club.

I just do it to hang out with Wes.

He's not afraid to be different, you know?

He's like, "I'm here.

"I believe in ridiculous nonsense.

Deal with it." I respect that.

Ah, mija, well, I'm so happy that you're settling in

and that you've made such a good friend.

Yeah, it's great.

But...?

I don't know.

Did you ever have something you were keeping from a friend?

And you really wanted to tell him,

but, like, you just couldn't?

And every time you see him, it's fun,

but you've still got this big thing between you?

- Yes! - Been there.

I just want to tell him, but I can't.

What should I do?

Okay, well, you know, I had hoped you would be a little older

- before we were talking about this... - Older?

Wait. What are you talking about?

You know. You having a crush on Wesley.

Ew! Gross! Come on, Mom!

Boys and girls can just be friends!

Why do you gotta make everything so weird?

Ugh! Seriously! Bah!

- Boy trouble? - (sighs) Yep.

They grow up so fast.

? ?

(whistling)

(makes fart noise)

I know, I know. "Go to the Principal's Office."

What can I say? You're tough, but fair.

(school bell ringing)

Swift: Gabby, it's been two weeks.

You do realize you don't actually have to get in trouble

every time we need to speak, correct?

Hey, I'm just trying to preserve our cover here, Swifty.

Regardless, Jeremy aside,

your first few babysitting assignments

appear to have gone quite well,

so it would seem you're ready for another.

His name is Stuart Fischman.

He and his parents are a water-dwelling species

from the planet Vitreous Prime.

But he's also very nervous around humans,

so you'll need to take extra care with him.

Look, I've scraped liquified beetle out of my eye sockets.

This ain't my first alien rodeo.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Fischman will expect you this afternoon.

Oh, no can do.

Wesley and I have plans to see Blooderella 9...

The movie with so much gore,

it makes Blooderella 8 look like Blooderella 7.

Gabby, these alien children are counting on you.

I hope you realize this job is very important.

It's much more important than some silly film.

The Blooderella franchise is a national treasure!

Also, regarding Wesley,

I've noticed you two spending an inordinate amount of time together.

That is... problematic.

Problematic how?

Wesley has a tendency to believe in the fantastical

and is not shy about sharing what he knows.

Aliens are real!

And the second I have proof,

I'm going straight to the news!

So... what are you saying?

You either end your friendship with Wesley

or you resign your position as an alien babysitter.

The choice is yours.

? ?

? ?

Hey! There she is!

What's up? You're not sick, are you?

Because you're not supposed to see Blooderella 9

with a heart condition or an upset stomach.

- No, I'm fine. - Cool.

'Cause I've never been more excited about anything in my life.

You didn't, like, make us matching hats or anything, did you?

(scoffs) Of course not.

I made us matching shirts.

(screams)

Ugh. That makes this so much harder.

- Look, Wes... - Also, I made snacks.

Homemade trail mix.

I didn't put pretzels or raisins or peanuts in yours,

'cause I know you think they're the posers of the snack world.

So, your bag is basically just chocolate chips.

Sorry for interrupting. What were you saying?

Uh, nothing. No big deal. We good.

? ?

(saxophone playing)

That's awful! What is that?!

The first lesson of human culture.

It's called "jazz music."

These street people force humans to listen to their caterwauling,

but then reward them with money for the ordeal.

Now, go and get your reward.

Ugh!

Or perhaps you're not ready for human interaction.

No! I'm ready. I can do it.

Good work! This music is really terrible!

Is five dollars enough?

Let's make it ten. You're really bad.

Hey!

? ?

Do you even know what you're doing?!

Well, you've enraged him!

You probably didn't take enough money!

? ?

(knocking)

Hey! Hi!

I'm Gabby! Your new babysitter!

How was your nap?

? ?

Come on, Gabby! Where are you?

You can put the spatula down. I'm not gonna hurt you.

I don't trust humans.

You pollute your oceans and turn fish into sticks.

Fair point. How about a trick?

Huh? Yeah?

Look at my thumb! Whoa!

Wanna see a real trick?

? ?

Wow. Fish Stu got skills!

(phone ringing)

- Are you okay? - I'm fine, I just...

I need to tell somebody something

that's gonna be really hard for me to tell them, is all.

Well, then maybe you should just get it over with.

(phone ringing)

Gabby! Where are you? The movie's about to start,

and I don't wanna pee my pants alone.

(deep breath) Wes, you're a good friend,

and it was super nice of you to get the tickets

and make us shirts and special trail mix,

but we can't be friends anymore.

And I'm sorry. And bye forever. And I'm sorry.

- This is Gabby, by the way. - Wait, what do you...

I really wish I could tell him the truth about aliens.

(phone vibrating)

No worries, he'll be fine.

He's a champ.

(knocking)

(out of breath): Gabby...

I need to talk to Gabby.

Um... what's going on?

I'm pretty sure that your sister's been taken over

by some sort of evil parasite that controls her thoughts

and makes her say things she doesn't really mean.

That or she just doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore.

Either way, I need to talk to her.

Gabby's not here. She's at a babysitting job.

Wait, you mean she'd rather work

than see the greatest slasher movie of all-time?

Now I know something's up.

Neighbor: I have no idea.

If I give you the address, will you get off our porch?

The neighbors are talking, and we have a very particular Home Owners' Association.

Nothing to see here, Gladys!

Deal.

? ?

Are you sure we need to send this back?

I kinda just want to eat it.

Humans never settle for the first dish served to them.

It's an insult to the chef.

That checks out. Gabby does complain a lot.

Exactly. And if you want to be like her,

you have to do the same.

Uh, gar�on!

We would like to return these trash plates.

It tastes like butt puke.

Extreme butt puke!

You haven't tasted it yet.

We still wanna send it back. We know how this works.

I'm not sure you do.

Look, we would like to return this food

and replace it with the exact same thing.

Don't make us call your supervisor.

- But I'm so hungry! - I will write a scathing review!

Does anyone have a social media account I could... use?

(sighing)

Help is on the way, Gabby. Help is on the way.

Gabby's Voice: Hey! Stay back! I'm warning you!

- I knew it! - I'm serious! Stay back!

I'm not eating any of that gross seaweed.

- Come on, just try a bite. - No!

How much of this weird chemical stuff

do you need in your water again?

- (Wesley shouting) - (Stu screaming)

(screaming)

(shouting) Ah! What is happening?

(screaming, shouting continues)

? ?

- Gabby: Stuart! - Wesley: Why'd you tie me up?

- Gabby: Stuart! - Wesley: What's going on?

- Stuart! - What was that thing? A swamp thing?

- Some kind of gamma-mutated carp boy? - No. Stop asking questions.

- Stop the chair. Stop the chair! - What?

Gabby, we're friends.

That thing back there? It was not normal.

I live for not normal.

So, I'm begging you, as my friend, just...

tell me what's going on.

Wes, that thing... is an alien.

Yes! (Sniffles)

I babysit him. I kinda babysit aliens.

(softly crying)

What do you... Are you okay?

It's just... you dream about this day your entire life,

and then it... It finally happens, and...

(sniffles) I'm not crying.

I just have a bunch of weird alien chemicals in my eyes.

You know more about aliens than anyone I know.

Even if most of it is just made-up nonsense.

(sighs) So, I need you to help me find Stuart.

Yes. Yes!

Jeremy: Are you sure Blooderella 9 isn't too scary?

Swift: Oh, nonsense.

In order to understand a culture,

you first have to understand its entertainment.

Plus, I have it on good authority

that this particular film is a national treasure.

(both screaming)

So much blood!

Wesley: So, is this why you bailed on me today?

Gabby: Yep. Now focus up, we have to find him.

Stuart! Stuart! (Sighs)

I have some old beef jerky in my pocket. Get it.

- Aliens love dried meat. - No! No pocket jerky.

Come on, Stuart. Where are you, buddy?

If I had to guess...

I don't suppose you know where that sewer goes.

That's an offshoot of the main pipeline.

It drains out into the Havensburg Water Treatment Plant.

And you know this because...?

Well, I mapped out the whole town's sewer system

because, you know, sewer gators.

Then let's go.

? ?

- Gabby: Oh! - Wesley: Whoa! (Grunts)

(groaning)

Look, this would be a lot easier if you let me loose.

Promise you won't run off and blog

about how aliens are real?

Gabby, do you really think I'd do something like that to you?

I promise, your secret's safe with me.

Some things are more important than extra-terrestrials.

Okay.

Now let's get you untied.

Gabby: We got to hurry!

That collar of his only has like 30 minutes of breathable water.

Well, he's in here somewhere,

probably peeing in our water supply.

If he even pees. Does he pee?

Stuart!

Stuart? Stuart!

Whoa.

He's gotta be behind that door.

(grunting) Locked!

We need to crack the security code.

I think maybe if I squint hard enough,

I can make out the fingerprints on the...

- (shattering) - (electricity fizzles)

Guess I cracked the code.

I know you said not to freak, but I'm kind of freaking.

You babysit him?

Yeah. I'm a pretty big deal.

Hey, buddy. You okay?

We gotta go, okay? We gotta get you home.

He scared me.

He burst in all human-like.

Yeah, I bet that was scary, but Wesley's cool.

I don't know.

Look, I get it.

It's hard for you to find someone you can trust.

It was the same for me when I first moved to this town.

But I've spent a lot of time with Wesley

and I can tell you:

He's one of the best, most trustworthy humans there is.

He is? You trust him?

I do.

? ?

Come on. Let's get you home.

Lemme ask you a question, and no judgment, but...

you pee in there?

Oh, definitely.

? ?

You know, for an expert on humanity,

I'm beginning to think you don't understand humans

any better than me.

But how can that be? I've studied them for years!

I have written literally dozens of reports

on the Hemsworth brothers alone.

Do I just not get humans at all?

- Are you all right, son? - Hmmm?

No. No, I am not.

As it happens, I don't know anything

and I have spent the whole day screwing up.

Well... that's just called being human.

? ?

Did you hear what that wise noble sage said?

So, not knowing anything and screwing up

is the most human thing you can do?

Exactly!

And that is what I've been trying to teach you this entire time.

Well done, Jeremy.

One day, you'll be as much of an expert as I.

Both: Boo yah!

Forget Blooderella 9. This was amazing!

Right? Honestly, the best part

has just been having someone to talk to about all this.

I'm glad I got to share this with you, Wes.

Me too.

So, what happens now that I know about aliens?

? ?

Swifty...

I've made a decision.

Some things are more important than extra-terrestrials,

and friendship is one of those things.

Wesley is a good person,

and I'm gonna stay friends with him no matter what you say.

And if you don't like it?

I don't know, you can find a new babysitter, I guess.

Hmmm.

- Yes. All right. - Wait, really?

Well, there is a slight chance

that I may not know the human race

as well as I thought I did.

But if you, as a human,

feel that this friendship is that important to you,

then I shall defer to your judgment.

Yes, that's very wise. Thanks.

But if you remain friends with him,

he must never discover the existence of aliens.

Is that clear?

Swifty, I promise.

No one will find out about the existence of aliens

that doesn't already know.

? ?

(indistinct conversing)

- Yes! - Oh my god!

And I was like "Ahh!"

- Yes! - Oh my Lord!

? ?

Next time on Gabby Duran and the Unsittables...

(kids screaming)

Your babysitting assignment

is a telepathic alien named Sky.

Kids at school call you Crybaby Duran until you hate it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- This is why we don't bring aliens to school. - Whoo!

? ?

Gorgeous.

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