Original subtitles

For Taiwan, the 90s was an important era

in which we went from a simple, agricultural society

to that of eye-dazzling commerce.

At that time, I was a happy photographer

leading an ordinary life in a small town

with my beloved daughter.

She's a big girl at the age of three.

Aren't you lucky!

Kuan kung, the god of war,

forced through five passes, slaying six generals.

He attacked and attacked,

until there were no more enemies left...

My dearest daughter,

this mask of kuan kung is a gift to you from dad.

The god of war stands for righteousness and loyalty.

Remember that.

One more. Smile!

It was during the 90s

that our society gradually became more Democratic

and people were starting to get rich.

At this time my daughter and I moved to the city,

to try and make some money.

Taiwan had just elected her first president then

the stock market was skyrocketing

cable TV network with over one hundred channels

became widely available

it'll give you an eye sore to try and watch them all.

The mobsters were moving up in style,

their war over controlled territories

grew ever more intense.

Slant-head dragon open fired in bang-kah region

killing turnip from tamshui

the big boss of main-line alliance got intercepted

on his way home

and shot 36 times

the head of every gang wanted to be the king,

so they decided to gather everyone for a meeting.

All the main-line alliance brothers

and the heads of local gangs

showed up for this meeting.

It was an opportunity all reporters would die for

please don't! But unfortunately, none of them were

but unfortunately, none of them were

get lost, weasel!

Se

Able to get any shots

except for me.

You see, boss pinch had a mistress by the name of Nana

oh, perfect! Perfect shot! You see, boss pinch had a mistress by the name of Nana

oh, perfect! Perfect shot! And I was there to photograph her.

And I was there to photograph her.

She loooooved being photographed, I tell ya.

I even got shots of her underwear.

See, my camera was aiming at her breasts

and she was loving it!

Ahhhh!

Thank goodness!

Magnificent!

Ahhhh!

Don't cover your body like that!

We'll both break our bones!

Ya right.

Don't just shout there! Give me a hand, will you?

Life is full of twists and turns.

I ended up saving Nana's life

and boss pinch commended that I had guts.

He asked me to quit my job as a photographer

and stay at his side.

It's a funny thing- the nicknames those gangsters had.

They're either animals from the zodiac,

or vegetables and fruits.

Some were called rat, bull, black tiger,

blue dragon, white monkey...

And some others gourd, turnip, beancurd, melon.

Then there were bell fruit and mango

even orange!

Quiet, please.

Boss pinch will speak now.

It's been a while since I invited

everyone here for a drink.

This is a good opportunity to sort things out.

Some of us here have certainly been faring well

crossing over to others' territories

without giving heads up.

Give me a cup of coffee.

The line's certainly been crossed. Give me a cup of coffee.

The line's certainly been crossed.

The line's certainly been crossed. Hot or iced?

The line's certainly been crossed.

The line's certainly been crossed. Hot, please.

Hot, please.

Our Patience shouldn't be tested much longer.

I'd urge everyone to calm down a bit.

Haven't I promised to buy you all drinks today?

I don't want you getting too upset.

Boss pinch

we've all been respectful to you,

treating you like an elder.

But to tell you the truth,

the times have changed.

Aren't you something, white monkey.

You have the nerve to flash your metal at my place?

So I brought a gun.

Your coffee.

Ere ee

what will you do about it?

Why is your finger in it?

I injured my thumb, and my doctor says

I should keep it warm.

You put it in my coffee to keep it warm?

You might as well stick it up your ass!

How do you know?

I've been sticking it up my ass when I'm not working.

That you will find out when you get me all fired up...

Jesus Christ!

Stop with all that rambling.

Give me another cup.

X give me another cup.

It's getting boring.

Another cup of hot coffee?

Iced! You moron!

Move on! Motherfuckers!!!

Who would've thought, a simple word... "Moron"...

Turned my whole life around.

In one instant, all the mobsters lost their bosses.

The god of war says no.

Boss, it's a no.

Can you think of anyone else to take your place?

Try winter melon.

The answer is still no.

Anyone else, boss?

How about horse face?

Still a no.

Black hound.

Still a no.

Rat!

No.

Bell fruit!

No.

Boss, what're we gonna do?

Boss, I've brought him.

You!...you!

Please don't...

A "yes!"

Boss,

is he the one?

Just like that, my shoes gave

the heavenly sign of a "yes"

to make me the new boss.

In an attempt to make my reign international

I gave myself an english name

David loman.

Which basically means, huge badass!

Boss!

Hey, I want to talk to you.

Stop! I want to speak with you...

Hey, stop folding my letter.

What're you so nervous for?

Toad, I don't think she's coming.

Why don't we just leave?

What're you talking about...

Hey, hey, there she is.

Good luck! Good luck!

Toad, I think we should make it another day.

I'm... uhm...

My throat is feeling a bit funky today.

As your supervisor,

I order you to go over there, now!

Hurry! Gol!

Pardon me. I'd like to speak with you.

U hm... her.

You don't know me.

That's my supervisor, toad, over there,

you don't know him, either.

He's been dying to know you.

He wants you to have this...

Would you consider going out with him?

Come here.

What did she say?

She said only one word.

No?

Scram?

She couldn't have said 'yes', could she?!

Fuck.

She said, "fuck."

George?

Toad, call me toad.

George.

Hear me out.

The next time you want to pick up a girl, do it yourself.

Asking someone else to hand over a love letter for you

tells me you're a coward

and bore.

And you.

What's gotten into your head

picking up a girl for another guy?

Be more creative next time.

Those two have always been waiting out here,

annoying guys!

A couple of days ago,

they stood in the rain in their raincoats

damn perverts!

Oh, she's hot, super hot, hot, hot, hot!

Oops, I'm sorry.

Super hot! Oh, man!

Typhoon coming or something?

What's with you?

You think you're a movie star?

Hello!

Come down and eat!

How old do you think you are?

I have three girlfriends even at my age, and you?

You don't even have one!

You disappointed me!

Just go eat without me!

I'm truly worried about you. Come down and eat!

Louise was the girlfriend

of the captain of special force. One day,

a teardrop ran down her cheek

and landed in the hand of the captain.

Their love story became one of the most beautiful

ever written in the history of mankind.

One day, I will meet a girl

and her teardrop will land in my hand

just like that.

What're you looking at? Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Hey, super hero

time to stock up the fridge.

You know what?

I've always been bullied as a kid

until one day I read about the captain

of special force in the bookstore.

Oh, he's just too amazing.

I told myself right then that

I will become a bona-fide captain of Taiwan one day!

Heehaw...

I don't mean to say I want to crack down on criminal organizations,

you know, I just want to prove

that justice does exist in the world.

Take these...

You know what... -Here, one more.

Listen, I'm getting off now.

Why don't you tend to your work

before going around saving the world?

First things first, ok?

Xiao ho!

I'm off now. See you.

Later, toad.

Toad? Did I hear someone calling me a toad?

Boss, some mango iced tea?

What? Someone mangled my teeth?!

Maybe not.

How about... green bean latte?

Grilled bin laden? What the hell?!

I'm sorry.

What about prune shake?

Pussy shake? Mmm

I like that.

Give me six of them.

I'll ring you up here, sir.

Ring me up?

Now I haven't heart that one before.

Wow, you look just like my dad!

Say that again?

He says I look like his dad?

More like your great grandfather I tell ya.

You've got loose screws in your head.

Six of those would be 120. You get two points,

with eight more you get two kids r us grassy

kiss your arse?

Did he just ask me to kiss his ass?

Yo, punk head, which gang are you in?

Give me your name.

Xiao ho.

Little ho?

Did you just call me a little ho? Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Let me ask you again.

What do I get with eight more points?

With eight more points?

Kids r us grassy ponies.

Kiss your ass and your grassy penis?

A good lesson for you, motherfucker.

Let's go!

This is the grassy pony...

Go away, all of you.

Don't ever come to this heartless store again.

Go to that one instead.

Honesty means something over there.

I'll pay him another visit with my guys

in a couple of days.

The store will shut down in no time.

Much obliged, big boss.

This is to show my gratitude.

A thank-you fee, is it?

Yes, yes

in check?

In cash.

In cash?

Only one hundred yuan?!

I'm sorry, boss.

I promise to have a much fatter fee for you

when my business blooms.

Oh, forget it. We are friends, aren't we?

No fee needed from you.

Boss! Hello there, mister borough chief.

What can I do for you?

There's this gutter at the end of our alleyway

which needs cleaning up.

Could you please send someone over

to take care of it, boss?

Cleaning up a gutter? Isn't that

your job as a borough chief?

You asking a thug to clean up your gutter?

But your gang took over the entire borough,

didn't you?

It says in the contract here,

the party in charge of the "project"

will need to clean up the gutters.

They call it "customer service", you know.

It says on it I need to clean up the gutters?

Yes, it does, boss.

Alright. Fine.

Much obliged, boss.

No problem. Just leave it to me.

Thank you, boss.

Fine.

Hello there, boss David!

It's you again. You know what,

you remind me so much of my father.

I'm starting to wonder if my father

screwed your mother when he was young.

How is it that you look so much like me?

How could that be?

The two of us have such different destinies.

I tell fortunes and fix feng shui for a living,

and look at you...

You're David, the big boss.

When you go out you have bodyguards

all around you,

that's so impressive!

You think it's impressive to have bodyguards?

I have them because I could lose my life any minute!

I would die to live in your shoes for just one day!

So what brought you here today?

I've come to ask you to give me a few

extra days to pay the protection fee.

The protection fee?

Uh, no. It's the management fee.

Now you're talking. Management fee it is.

You mention the words "protection fee"

and some of us will be taken away

in a chopper to do time.

Just pay it when you can.

I'm not forcing nobody.

I am so very grateful, boss David.

Hey, boss,

that's no way to be a thug.

I'm the son of boss pinch

and I just came back from America.

I'm here today to reclaim all of my old man's territories.

Is that right? Just how do you plan on doing that?

Simple. You retire and I take your place as the boss.

Fair enough.

Let me test your courage first.

Go pick them up.

Think I'm fucking afraid? I so am not.

Aghhhhhhh... oh man!

Hey! Hey!

Hands off! Stay away!

Take him to the hospital at once.

The last one who got poked by me

was bedridden for six months.

His hemorrhoids burst into a mess.

My asshole! Oh, my ass hole...

I hate it when they speak english.

This friend of mine, he's got this grandson,

you know what he did?

He called his grandfather by a foul name.

What foul name?

He called him "bull's balls".

It's not bull's balls, boss.

It's gran-de-pa.

Grandpa! Gran-de-pa!

You sure? -Yes.

That's my phone.

Could you please change your ring tone?

Didn't I tell you

this song makes me sad?

Very sorry. I forgot to change it.

Take your call.

Hello?

Teacher Chang?

Good day to you... ah, I see.

Very sorry to have caused you trouble.

What the fuck do you want?

How could you speak like that?

Have you forgotten you're a girl

and a college student?

How come you didn't show up for your test in school?

If you needed money

you could've just asked me.

Boss, don't be mad. Have a cigarette.

Fuck you! When I'm done with her

I'll beat you to pulp!

How dare you hire my daughter as your mechanic?

Please calm down, boss. I can explain... how dare you hire my daughter as your mechanic?

Please calm down, boss. I can explain...

Please calm down, boss. I can explain... You're so finished!

You're so finished!

It's none of your business!

What do you mean it's none of my business?

I'm your father!

My father?

Where have you been

when I needed you all these years? Huh?

Daddy

I don't have a part-time father like you.

Now if you're done talking just scram

and stop annoying me.

Watch your mouth, young lady.

You want to fix cars?

Go fix mine.

There's something wrong with my Mercedes.

Boss, there's no need to get so upset.

Here, have a smoke.

Make yourself disappear, won't you?

A bad thing never dies.

Your car is as strong as you,

not dying for a long while yet.

Get me my metal.

Here! Now it's damaged.

You can fix it.

Come get it in two weeks.

Did she get that from me, or from her mother?

Boss, we'd better pay a visit to boss Pearl's gambling hall,

to show support.

Support my ass! Call if off!

Boss, but we can't call everything off.

The meeting with all the mob bosses is next week,

issues regarding the election are on the agenda

fine, fine. Where's my damn ride?!

You know how to fucking drive?

You nearly ran me over!

Please calm down, boss... get in, quick.

Boss, in that case we should

update your Facebook status.

These days all of our brothers are

getting their orders from your fan page.

Call off everything! Cancel them all!

Aren't you sick of playing with that thing yet?

This is important, I tell ya. In this modern time,

we mobsters need to run everything

like a big enterprise.

I must update things on Facebook

so our brothers out there can "follow", you get it?

Stop showing off your english.

I don't understand a word.

I'll be an old man before I can make you understand.

These days even thugs need to go international.

This morning, the son of boss pinch

said something in english before he left:

"My ass hole." Know what it means?

What the fuck is that?

My butt hole.

So now you remember me.

What the... a butt hole is a butt hole... So now you remember me.

What the... a butt hole is a butt hole...

What the... a butt hole is a butt hole... l thought you're into young babes these days.

I thought you're into young babes these days.

Don't be jealous, my sweet Nana.

No one makes me happy the way you do...

So, when are we getting married?

Getting married?!

Yes.

David, I've been married six times,

and all of my six husbands died.

According to the ninth mother goddess,

it is my destiny to bring doom to my husband.

So, inevitably, the man I'm with will die.

I've been with you all these years,

does that mean my time will be up soon?

Don't you worry a thing.

Those in supporting role will escape the bad fortune.

Those in supporting role are safe, then?

Makes me happy to hear that... ouch!

What's wrong?

It's my stomach...

It hurts at the mention of marriage...

You've been spending too much time

with young girls! It's damaging your health!

Be nice, will ya, Nana?

Got any pills for me?

Those over-the-counter stuff are no good for you.

I'm taking you to a doctor.

Stand still.

Got it.

When I say go you will need to stop breathing.

Oh, ok

here we go.

One, two - go!

Where's he going?

Doctor, my boss is used to being on the run,

so it's only natural for him to run

when he hears "go".

I see. Now I understand.

One more time... here we go

one, two - don't go!

Ok. Not going.

There you go. You're a professional, doc.

Things look fine.

Perhaps you've been under too much stress lately

which has caused gastralgia.

What? What's wrong with my genitalia?

It's my stomach that's the problem.

What're you rambling about?

The doctor is talking about the nerves in your stomach!

But he said genitalia! I heard him say that!

Now please go make arrangements

to have your blood, urine and stool specimen checked.

What?!

You're lucky I didn't finish you right there.

Please calm down, will you?

I'll have them shut this place down, you hear me?!

What's the matter with you?!

Didn't you hear him? Not only did he want my blood and urine

he was also after my sperm!

Does he think I'm a fag?!!

How's this place good for my sickness?

We are in the presence of the ninth mother goddess.

I've told you how amazing she is.

The ninth mother goddess?

I've only heard of the seventh mother goddess

she's the great grandmother

of the ninth mother goddess.

In that case the deity of eight would be her cousin?

Stop with the disrespectful rubbish!

My apologies.

Dark clouds looming

a web of ominous stars trapping you.

You have been having a streak of bad luck,

nothing is going right for you. Come.

Aghhh!

Oh no...

My daughter is going mad!

Mother goddess, please save me!

Please save my daughter!

Listen carefully,

the ninth mother goddess has given her decree:

You have been doomed due to your evil conduct

but seeing as how you are a devoted father

the mother goddess is willing to show you a way out.

You are to find someone

to replace you for three days

and this heavenly secret must be revealed to no one.

That's just impossible.

I'm the boss of more than a few hundred men,

what would they do without me?

So you think the world revolves around you?

Don't take your chances is my advice to you.

Three days

got it?

Yes, sir.

With this hairdo you look just like me.

Oh really?

But wait, if I act in your place,

who will be tending my shop?

Not to worry.

I'll tend your shop for you,

not much business anyways.

I need to take a three-day break from my job.

Didn't you say you wanted to be in my place?

I would love that, but

I don't know how to act like you.

Easy. When someone comes to you

to sort out business, just say

"fuck! I'll think about it."

That will do.

Fuck. I'll think about it.

You've got to act tougher.

Fuck! I'll think about it.

Not bad. Try one more time.

Fuck! I'll think about it.

Perfect!

Just say "fuck! I'll think about it"

and I can be the boss?

Hey,

driver, you know I'm the boss, don't you?

Boss.

Boss, where have you been all morning?

Where have I been?

Fuck! Where was I?

No, I mean, "fuck! I'll think about it."

Here

how come it's not moving?

Boss, you pressed the wrong button. Here.

When did they change this thing?

They didn't.

They didn't? Tell them to knock it down!

Fuck! Oh, it's here.

Boss!

Boss!

Boss David!

Long time no see!

Boss!

Boss David, make yourself at home.

Sure, sure.

Boss! Boss!

Boss, I thought you and I are buddies...

Are we not?

I can't believe you went

to black beauty without me last time!

Fuck! I'll think about it.

Will have you come along next time.

You mean it? Be sure to call me!

Hello, I'm chen,

! Oh! Elephant chen.

That sounded like "I laundered a lot of money."

What do you know!

I am practicing my english here...

Hello! How do you do!

Cae aussie et ee eee ee estas eats AAA sa ee ee ee lr et re se et ar is

cae aussie et ee eee ee estas eats AAA sa ee ee ee lr et re se et ar is

boss, I'm very sorry.

Fuck! I'll think...

I'm not done thinking yet and you fired...

Basee-ke-te-ball, you know?

Basee-ke-te-ball...

What's with your attitude?

Do you know who I am,

little punkass?

Oh mommy...

Damn!

Fuck!

Let go of me!

Get in the damn car!

Let go of me!

Let me go!

Get in the car!

Let go me!

Hello? I'm calling to report a crime

Who do you think you are? Buzz lightyear?

Loony!

Are you stoned?

You hear me?

Hey! What're you doing?!

Hey! Stop that.

Hey! Stop that.

Come in, 3017, come in, 3017.

Stop! Have you reached destination?

Please respond at once.

What? David's daughter escaped?

Find her!

Ouch!

You done yet?

All done, boss.

The tattoo is finished.

I want to stab a dragon in bang-kah,

you know that, don't you?

Perfect!

Take a look.

Oh my...

A dragon, like you said.

I asked you to tattoo a dragon on me,

and you gave me this!

We have some local news for you.

At around three o'clock this afternoon,

a gun was fired in an outdoor bar

in the western district of taichung city,

causing one death.

The deceased's name is reported to be zhu dade,

or David loman, as was known by most in the mobsters society.

Zhu is reportedly a mob boss with reputation

and was shot twice during an event taking place at the bar;

he died at the scene.

According to the police report

the cause of this murder is likely to be linked

with the disputes over

territories amongst local mobsters.

Your flesh wounds will heal

in about two weeks' time,

but as your sympathetic nerves have been damaged,

I'm afraid for the rest of your life,

you will no longer feel pain.

Hey, buzz lightyear,

do you always walk around at night dressed like that?

That was the captain of special force walking in the night.

We need more heroes like him in this world.

Tell you a secret, he is my idol.

Ah, I see. The captain that got beat up was your idol.

No no...

You see, you are ok.

Everything that happened was meant to be.

You know what?

I don't feel any more pain from now on.

I can fight like a mad dog!

You nuts? You're such a moron.

Feeling no pain doesn't mean

you won't bleed... eat your food.

Hey, why did those people kidnap you?

How would I know?

Probably had to do with my dad.

Your dad?

That day outside of school,

I was pretty nasty, wasn't I?

Not really. You were just right.

Toad was such a loser.

He always asked me to do embarrassing things for him.

What are you saying?

It was embarrassing to hand me a lover letter?

No... no...

I'm warning you,

don't ever let me hear you pair me up with him.

So his name is toad? What's yours?

Froggy?

Make a frog face!

We now tune in to some local news.

In the western district of taichung city a gunfire was heard this afternoon.

Aren't you a good boy. I'm off. In the western district of taichung city a gunfire was heard this afternoon.

In the western district of taichung city a gunfire was heard this afternoon.

Thanks!

Ee te ee ss mes es sese sees meen ex

the suspect had reportedly tailed a mob boss

the suspect had reportedly tailed a mob boss

the suspect had reportedly tailed a mob boss

the suspect had reportedly tailed a mob boss

by the name of zhu dade, known by many as David,

and shot him twice in the vital parts, taking his life.

The police tells us, the motive behind the killing is very likely

to be linked with the disputes amongst local mobsters

over their conflict of interests.

Yes, according to our investigations thus far,

the incident has much to do with the disputes amongst local mobsters.

Hey, I knew this man.

After checking the security videos hey, I knew this man.

Hey, I knew this man.

And talking to the people on site, hey, I knew this man.

We have narrowed down our search to one suspect.

We will do our best to capture him.

We will do our best to capture him. My father is dead?

My father is dead?

This can't be... I don't believe it!

Hey! Hey!

David, please forgive me for being cruel.

I did give you a chance, though, didn't 1?

And what did you do?

You stuck your dirty fingers

up my beautiful flower.

Oh well, I'll let bygones be bygones,

as I'm a forgiving man.

Just to let you know, as I worry you might get bored down there,

I've sent over your young followers to keep you company.

Oh and by the way,

if you run into my old man,

do remember to give him my regards.

Yay!

This means, cigarette, please. Get it?

I forgot to bring cigarettes...

Auntie Nana, the man is dead,

don't waste your tears.

Take good care of yourself.

This is your checkup report.

It says you have advanced gastric cancer.

I wasn't sure how to break the bad news to you,

was planning on keeping it a secret.

But I guess I don't have to now.

You will no longer suffer from your illness.

I have had many men in my life, they all came and went.

But you were the most important of them all.

I didn't want to marry you all those years

because I didn't want you to die because of me.

I never imagined things would end up this way,

that you would be released from your supporting role so early.

I always knew there'd be such a day.

Only I never thought it would come so soon.

This was from you. I don't want it anymore.

You can have it back.

When I was little,

you often told me stories about the god of war.

I'd always hoped for you to become someone like kuang kung,

someone loyal and brave, someone who helps the world rid of evil.

But instead, you became the biggest thug of them all...

Dad,

how could you leave me just like that?

You know why I hated you?

I hated you because I was afraid!

I was afraid you would leave

so suddenly like you did now!

So all I could do was make up the lie of hating you.

I had to tell myself I didn't love you!

Didn't you say you had more stories to tell me?

I'm right here,

I've waited for you for twenty some years.

Come out of your grave now!

How could you leave me all by myself?!

Dad?

You're home, dad?

I brought you some lunch.

I'm going up.

By the way, dad,

I believe

you can stop paying that protection fee from now on.

Boss David... is dead.

Eat your lunch before it gets cold.

I'm not hungry right now.

I will eat later.

You're not my father!

Who are you?

You are David!

Where's my father?

Your father...

Tell me!

Aren't you dead already?

I saw the news on TV, they said you're dead!

I have to call the police.

I'm calling the police.

Hey, you can't do that... Don't call the police!

Stay away from me. I'm calling the police now.

How dare you hit...

Murderer!

You're a murderer!

I want you to pay for his life!

You can have your revenge,

but not until I finish telling you what happened.

After that, you can do what you wish with me.

Stop all that bullshit! Let me go!

Your father had always wanted to be the boss,

he'd asked me many times to let him try.

I thought I'd make his wish come true,

so I let him be the boss.

How could I know it would kill him?

Now, for the record,

I did not kill your father.

You're such a loser!

You asked my father to be your scapegoat!

Hey!

I'm a man of great courage,

I would admit what I did do.

But I did not kill your father.

Pinch junior was the one who killed him.

You think I'll believe you?!

L, too,

feel terribly sad about your father's passing.

But if you killed me,

you would not have avenged his death.

Let me tell you one thing

without me,

you wouldn't be able to have your revenge.

Hahahaha...

Hahahaha...

Where am 1?

Where do you think?

Motherfuckers!

You wanted to help me with my revenge?

Yeah, right.

If I were ten years younger,

I could beat a pack of teenagers all by myself,

I tell ya.

Why did you try to save me?

Ouch... ouch... don't hit him,

just hit me. Hit me!

Oh, man,

that's my kidney you're beating... fuck!

Without your father, I wouldn't still be here.

I can't let you get hurt.

I'd be thanking lord Jesus

if I didn't have to look after you.

Hallelujah.

God, your kungfu was so lousy...

Kungfu?

Aha!

Why hadn't I thought of him?

Who?

Tell me what you want.

A pork hawker?

Even if you don't know the guy,

I'm sure you've seen his face before.

He was the armed guard

of former president d.H. Lee.

Everyone called him silly pork.

Wherever Mr. Lee went,

he went. He was always alert,

even when picking his nose.

When I first came to Taipei and had no place to live,

I slept on his couch.

He and I got through some tough times together.

Get in your positions...

Pork belly, spare ribs, pork knuckle,

the head skin, pork tenderloin, inner belly,

the hind leg, hocks, shoulder blade,

pork heart, pork tail, pork ear...

Everyone... attention!

The shop is now closed. See you tomorrow morning!

We'll be back tomorrow.

Silly pork!

Who are you?

I'm David!

I hardly recognized you with this hair.

I saw in the news that you died.

I knew it couldn't be true.

It's been such a long time.

So, what have you come to see me for?

For something very important.

I need you to teach me kungfu.

Kungfu? -Yes.

Silly pork, you gave out all those pork for free?

Teaching kungfu is how I make a real living.

With what I charge for the lessons,

what's a little free pork?

And they called him silly. He's no fool at all.

As for you two, I'll teach you for free.

Oh, thank you. We need this.

Hear me out. There are

hundreds of kungfu techniques out there,

but there's only one that can be learned quickly.

Which is that? Put your finger up here.

Ok.

This technique is one of the most invincible.

If you practice the way I tell you to,

in theory, you will succeed in no time.

That easy? What does it mean, "in theory?"

Well, in theory, a good nail does not fear the hammer.

If you bang on your finger constantly,

day in and day out, after some time,

your finger will become so strong there's nothing it can't break.

Banging?

What's my finger doing here, then?

Aggghhhhh... I curse you in the name of my granny

Watch me!

Now you watch me! If you can do it, I can.

Oh damn...

Let's warm up for the one-finger technique.

Ready, go!

Get in your stances!

Master, look at my finger!

You sure we need to go on?

Does it still hurt?

Of course it still hurts!

Keep going until you can laugh at it.

Then you have mastered the technique.

You gotta be kidding me.

Let's keep going.

Laugh you say?

Am I not laughing already?

Ok, enough.

You mean it?

You can stop that.

Thank you, master! Thank you!

Now try this. Hold him.

Hold him.

You can kill an ox with that thing!

Why me? ...Aghhhhh!

Pull yourself together. Lift your feet!

Slacking off?

Louder!

Even louder!

I told you not to cheat like that.

Cheating is not a noble act, especially at your age.

I did it! I did it!

The one-finger technique I taught you

is long lost in the world of kungfu.

You are not to use it unless absolutely necessary.

With what you've learned so far -

and I'm not bragging -

you could easily defeat a few burly guys.

That's so good to hear.

Hello?

Where has that stinky old man

of yours disappeared to?

Uhm, he...

He's with me now

pass him the phone! -But...

You get him on the phone right now!

Ok...

Ellie gunter wants to talk to you.

What? An alligator?

Ellie is one of my father's girlfriends.

I see... hello? Who's alligator? Your new chick?

I'm warning you, you better

get your ass back here in three days,

or I'll have you nailed in court!

You irresponsible prick!

Boy is she a screamer.

You see, my father had three girlfriends.

The three of them got together and opened up a karaoke joint

called "the three flowers" to support themselves.

It's time you went and told them the truth.

Your father had three girlfriends?

He had some virility.

I'm impressed.

What's gotten into you?

Say something!

I have no undies on

like you wanted. Happy?

See my heavy makeup? I put it on just for you!

We're barely keeping this place alive,

might as well shut it down

you can't just shut it down!

It's not something to make a rash decision over...

What is it?

Oh-my-lord...

You're not old ho!

You're twice his size!

Oh wow...

Twice his size?

Ladies, something happened... Please let me explain...

Hey, you explain!

Stinky old ho,

why must you send someone like this

dickhead to torment us after your death?

Oh, fuck it! I'll take you on with all I've got!

You sure look just like our old ho.

You know, I've been with him for twenty some years now,

it wouldn't be easy to try

and be with someone new

But you see, I'm the hottest amongst us three.

Perhaps it's not a bad idea that you and I give ita try...

I promise I'll make you so

happy with my tricks that you'll...

C'mon, give me a kiss!

Here, some grapes for you, my dear.

Tough guy, when old ho was alive,

I was his favorite flower amongst the three.

Let me be frank with you.

In a way, he died for you, didn't he?

To repay your debt to him,

I suggest you sleep with me.

Our man died in your place.

He left the three of us old rags for you,

aren't you fucking lucky!

Motherfucker!

Old ho used to go three times a night.

How about you?

No... I can't do that...

Fuck!

I meant he got up three times a night to pee.

What were you thinking of?

I see... scared me for a second.

Old ho used to be able to hold it in for a long time.

Can you?

I can't.

Oh, please.

I was talking about his prostate problem.

What did you think I was talking about?

Think you can do better than him?

Of course.

I can go at least twice a week,

and I can hold it in for a long time!

Wow!

He can hold it in for a long time...

And I'm not talking about peeing.

Not peeing?

What, then?

Constipation, damn it!

Have you girls taken me for a fool?

Cha cha cha...

Mr. cha cha is here!

Oh, hello! You bad girl ♪1, you bad girl ♪2. Let's cha cha chal!

Ya!

I'm sorry, boss.

I promise to have a much fatter fee for you

when my business blooms.

Can't believe you're the same guy.

I thought you're having a tough time financially?

Have you forgotten all about Mr. cha cha

just because he hasn't come around lately?

He's been making loads of money

with his real restate business.

That's right!

Then how come you only paid 100 yuan to boss David?

How did you know that?

Ahh... I get it. You only paid 100, too,

didn't you?

Right, right.

That David, he's but an idiot pretending to be a thug.

One hundred is more than enough.

Oh, fuck!

Shut it! Talking is such a waste of time.

Let's go sing karaoke! Let's go!

Great idea! Let's play your favorite tune

and you'll have to dance for us!

Music... play that music!

No music no dancing... cha cha cha...

Let's shake our booties

burning up with the fire of love

dancing up the cha-cha of love

oh, cha-cha of love, how beautiful, wild and charming

doodoodoodoodoo

doodoodoodoodoo

doodoodoodoodoo

doodoodoodoodoo

doodoodoodoodoo

doodoodoodoodoo

just go dancing. One, two, three, four!

Two & three & four & one

two & three & four & one old ho, I must say I'm impressed.

Old ho, I must say I'm impressed.

Move your Booty, then lock old ho, I must say I'm impressed.

Move your Booty, then lock

move your Booty, then lock you were quite something

you were quite something

lock, then move your Booty you were quite something

you were quite something

to be able to handle these three.

Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha to be able to handle these three.

Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha

Hello? -Jin? Pinch junior is now here at my joint.

He's been inquiring your whereabouts.

I smell something fishy about the whole incident.

Be careful. Don't go to school these days, ok?

Oh, that sounds lovely! Do come by for a visit soon, won't you?

Ok, bye...

Auntie Nana, who're you talking to so secretively?

Not some hungry pup I hope?

Your father has passed away for over a decade,

and I've not remarried all these years.

I believe I'm entitled to some male company.

It's customary for a son to repay his father's debt.

I can very well take care of you.

Are you out of your mind?

I had my first business set up

when you were still in diapers.

How else do you think your pet name

"tiny wee wee" came about?

What the fuck are you laughing at?

David, you sure pinch junior

will show his face tonight?

I'm sure of it. I have informants.

Tonight is the night he will pay for what he did.

What's that?

A stun gun. - A stun gun?

That's super cool. Let me have a look.

Wow. I love it!

What did you stun me for?

The mission is too dangerous. I'd better go alone.

Dad, an eye for an eye. Tonight I will avenge your death

by spilling pinch junior's blood.

Watch the steps

boss!

Oh, my darling chicky chick... Daddy loves you!

You're daddy's favorite girl...

Ah!

Boss, it's David's daughter!

Fuck! I loathe bloody violence such as this.

Get rid of her.

Watch your head, boss

This chick is pretty hot, I'll say.

Aren't we damn lucky!

Just when I thought our luck was picking up.

How is it that the world is never short of loonies.

Why did you stun me last night?

It was for your own good.

Although I didn't get to finish off pinch junior,

I taught his underlings a good lesson.

Yeah, right.

Did you leave a name?

Leave what name?

You must leave a name after a heroic act,

so people will remember you!

That's not so important.

Bullshit!

Every hero needs a super catchy name,

so his enemies will fear his existence,

and his followers worship it.

What do you think of...

Dl? Dl special force?

What the fuck is dl?

It stands for David loman huge badass!

Good one! I've got a better idea:

Do-ladies special force, how about that? No, no,

dl stands for huge...

What you looking at?

That's just some biker chick.

It's your daughter!

Hello, Jin, what... What're you doing here?

That's your car out there?

Ye..yes. Uhm... sometimes we need a car for our business...

Jin, Jin!

Dad?

L... I'm not your father...

Dad!

Jin, I forgot to introduce you... This is my father,

he's a bit shy when meeting strangers

your father?

Fine. Don't ever come see me again!

You have the nerve to lie to me?

No, Jin, listen... I didn't mean to lie to you... Jin!

Jin!

Jin, uh... l...

I mean him... you... he wanted...

He wanted...

Just say it!

And didn't want you to get hurt because of him,

so... hope you'll feel better.

Did I say you could go?

Come give me a hand.

You got injured because of me last time.

This armor is my gift to you.

Now we're even.

Really? I'm so happy to have it!

I know there's a lot we can do together...

Stand still.

Don't hit too hard

here I come!

Try this.

Yikes!

Are you ok?

You're such an idiot.

Why didn't you dodge?

I'm ok, really.

My nerves are damaged,

remember? So I feel no pain.

How could I forget? They got damaged

because you were trying to save my life, right?

You want me to marry you for that or what?

Move! I've got medicine over there.

You want more beating?

Watch where you lay your eyes.

When is your next mission?

Tell me!

I need to go back and check.

What's that you got on?

You couldn't understand if you tried.

You this is called "true love."

True love? You've got a long way to go, kid.

C'mon, time to set out.

Let's go!

True love, huh?

Did I really say that?

What're you staring at with your ass? I'll fix you for good!

Well done.

What is it?

It hurts... down there...

Let me pull it out for you

ahhh!

Hey!

We're busy fighting here and you're busy kissing?

Tt me meee mt a see ee oe eee ee === me ee a ee ==" od ee le a me tomes mm

we're busy fighting here and you're busy kissing?

Not bad. I bet the kiss

was worth it?

She said, "well done"?

No undies? What kind of a thug are you?

Shame on you!

Help! He robbed me!

Just where do you think you're going?

Ouchl!...oh, my sweetie, fighting like that

Smile...

Smile!

Yal!

Let's go!

Dl special force? You for real?

Autograph, please! Sign right here.

You sign.

We're off. - Thank you.

Oh wait,

you are fined 3000 yuan

for vandalizing public property.

Thank goodness for dl... What is it again?

D..l..special force?

Thank you. I'm very grateful.

Dl special force, you rock!

We love dl! We love dl!

Come here. - Hey, wait...

I've created a fan group for dl special force.

What for?

Fan group? Might as well call it damn group.

Oh shut up. You don't know this stuff.

Why don't we go directly to pinch junior?

We can't do that. We failed the last time,

he's now in hiding.

We must force him out by

rounding up his underlings.

Hear that?!

Little brother wu, the next time

your dog can't find its way home,

please just post flyers in your neighborhood.

Dl special force is quite busy.

This one is from a little girl by the name zhang junya.

Domestic violence.

Domestic violence?

Make that priority.

Priority..it..is...

Don't you dare touch my mommy again...

My dad and me. Cute, huh?

When I was little my dad loved taking photos of me.

He said he wanted to take photos of me on my birthday every year,

until the day I marry.

What's so funny?

Eh... nothing.

But then later on, he forgot about my birthdays completely.

Do you know why I haven't fixed this car?

Because my dad and I banged it up together.

Haha,

like father, like daughter.

On some level,

I feel this would be

our last project together.

Nana told me,

he has advanced gastric cancer.

Even though he's still alive right now,

who knows how much time he has left.

David! David!

Guess what?

The day after tomorrow, pinch junior

is holding a taoist funeral chanting service for his late father.

I got us a job in the service!

The opportunity has come.

How does this stuff work?

It was ten years ago today that my father died.

At the time I was in America,

and many of the elders in the family

told me not to come back.

I am not so certain they meant well in telling me so,

but it's all in the past now,

and I shall not hold any grudge against you all.

I believe that you all stand by me,

right?

Happy!

Happy!

Here we go!

We raise high this bowl of rice,

asking for the gods in heaven to guard your family tight,

so that all of your descendents

may have seats in the government or be sent to prison.

Yes, gods, this we ask! - Right!

But wait, be sent to prison?

To be the president, I said!

Oh, I see. To be the president.

We hold the bowl of rice low, asking the gods in heaven

to bring the lost souls home, so that all of your descendents

may have ancestral spirits watching over their heads

yes, gods, this we ask! Oh, happy... off you go!

We now hand the bowl of rice

to the son of the family,

may the gods in heaven watch over your kids,

making sure they have wrong legs and wrong arms...

Huh? Wrong legs and wrong arms?

Listen carefully!

I said long legs and long arms!

You wouldn't want your kids to be born with none,

oh, happy... -Would you?

Off you go... happy, bon voyage...

How should I live without you?

What the fuck are you so "happy" about?

There...

Your late father's name: Pinch dick happy

they like their dicks pinched? Really?

Yes... l believe so.

Oh no... happy is gone... Off you go, happy...

Who are they? I asked to

hire a group of funeral weeping girls

those weeping girls are so dated.

These ladies are the most popular these days.

The one closest to us, she has some crying talent.

When she weeps,

the whole street starts mourning.

That's me. When I cry, all fathers die.

And the one in the middle, Ellie, she is the legendary one

whose tears flooded the great wall.

My tears are entirely organic.

Oh, happy..Off you go...

There you go.

Haven't I seen you before?

And the last one, she's the most pricey of them all.

When she cries, she sends off the deepest sorrow...

How so?

You see how she's sitting down?

She's the only lady in the entire country

who weeps on her butt and not her knees.

This is because she's experienced deep grievances

in her lifetime...

It all began when I had to weep for your mother's lover!

You see?

She even knows your mother had a lover.

You may very well be the son from that lover.

That would make me a bastard?

Yes, indeed.

Now, when we offer the gods in heaven this cake of success,

we must pray for the success of others and not of ourselves

why?

When we pray for others

we learn about true compassion.

And then, when we offer the gods these fresh chive blossoms,

we pray that all of your. Descendents be buried in possum

what? Buried in possum?

I mean, may the boys bury their faces in the bosom

of their beloved ladies...

And the girls blossom like the most beautiful flowers!

Oh... -Yes, yes.

May the girls grow up to be as beautiful as we are!

When we offer the gods these rice - the grains -

we pray that your family forever gains!

Oh, good... - Finally,

in order to ensure a life of prosperity for your family,

the rituals should be observed all the same,

even though it's been

ten years since your father died.

We need an elder from your family to perform this one.

Where's your father's elder brother?

My father didn't have one.

How about a younger brother?

He didn't have one, either.

You have no more elders in your family?

Perhaps my mother's lover could help with this?

Sure, that'll do.

He could count as your step-uncle.

That would be me, the step-uncle.

Wow, your mother had quite an appetite.

Not very picky at all I see.

Alright, we will need to hammer down some nails here.

When I tell you to hit, you hit. Got it? Get ready now.

Get ready now.

When the nail goes down on the east,

bestow upon your descendents what unyielding lust!

Yes, gods, this we ask!

When the nail goes down on the south,

a lady in sight makes your men go nuts!

Yes, gods, this we ask!

When the nail goes down on the west,

may everyone in the family turn away from pest!

Yes, gods, this we ask!

When the nail goes down on the north,

you sit and watch all the good

fortunes come forth!

Yes, gods, this we ask!

Now is the most auspicious moment to hammer down the nail.

Now, hit!

Ouch! Fuck!

Yes, gods, this we ask!

Forget it.

Let's go.

Shhh

Aghhh!

What's wrong with you?!

Now we ask the gods in heaven to bestow upon

your big houses to burn down...

What?

Houses to burn down?

No, no, I mean, big houses for you to move into.

Boss, we caught these two.

David's daughter?

I've looked all over for you,

and now you turn up at my doorstep?

Motherfuckers...

Hold it!

I am not dead yet.

I'm David loman.

Boss...

Aha!

No wonder you look familiar to me.

Everyone,

rumor has it that I killed David loman,

but you see, he's right here, alive and kicking.

Now, he and I have some personal business to settle,

I ask you all to stay out of this.

I'm all for it.

Today I will fight you one on one.

History is written by the Victors.

Whoever loses today will leave the mob world for good.

Agreed.

You haven't seen this one,

have you?

What's that?

This is what the U.S. used to nail bin laden.

His blood vessels are about to burst.

Maybe he's about to have a stroke!

Let me tell you what this thing is.

It's the newest drug from the FBI

called ru786.

7867 the 3-some strips of the lottery?

That's nothing new. The 4-some are the hottest strips now.

Look at me, you know what this is called?

It's what silly pork taught me:

The one-finger technique!

Dad!

David!

Dadill

aghhhh

Ouch! Can't you aim better?

What technique is this one?

You want to know?

It's called the ball breaker!

No one can save you

when your balls are in the hands of an old rag,

not even god...

I can't believe I'm still alive... But then again,

I won't be here for much longer...

Stop saying such a thing.

You need to rest.

When you feel better, we should go get married,

before it's too late.

Right.

Oh wow!

Dl special force!

I'm such a fan!

I'm here on behalf of our hospital to give you these flowers

and to impart some good news

and bad news.

"Good news"

in english means

enough already!

What are you here to tell us

let me announce this:

Mr. zhu,

you do not have caner!

What?

We have sent you the wrong medical report.

Sorry...

My apologies.

I thought you were already dead,

so I was going to get away with this mistake,

but now you're still alive,

so, I'm here to say I am sorry, and congratulations.

Congratulations!

That's all you can say? Sorry and congratulations?

Congratulations!

Congratulations! What kind of a...

What kind of a quack are you?

I need to teach you a lesson.

Please don't get mad.

We will give you 50 percent off this time.

50 percent off?!

You dare charge fees?!

How about this, the next time you have cancer,

it'll be my treat...

Next time? What the hell are you talking...

You don't know much about David loman, do you?

See this finger? Want to know how powerful it is?

I'll show youl!

No! Please don't!

After what I've been through,

I now know the true meaning of life

lies in ordinary and peaceful living.

That feels good... here.

Pinch junior received a heavy sentence for what he did,

he will probably spend the rest of his life in prison.

I know this one. One cigarette.

Now that's more like it.

You've been with me for so long, you ought to know what I want.

You see, he's playing boss even when locked up.

Damn...

I miss my darling chicky chick!

As for Mr. cha cha, the guy who lied to me about not having money,

I had him go dance everywhere as a punishment;

I wanted him to dance until he dropped.

Little did I know, he became a huge star,

and was now invited

to go on all kinds of TV shows

to perform with his new name:

The dancing king.

He got so popular even the "three flowers" went with him.

The captain of the special

force killed all the enemies

and rescued his girlfriend Louise.

Right then, one teardrop rolled down her cheek

and landed in the hand of the captain.

As a result, their love story became

one of the most beautiful in the history of mankind...

That's so moving, honey!

Hey! Don't touch me with your dirty hands!

What if you pass germs to the baby?

And like all men in the world,

xiao ho turned out to be a very different guy after marriage.

Oh stop that! You're all sweaty!

You...

Excuse me, it's been a longtime that I haven't starred in a movie...

He isn't old dick! He isn't old ho!

Auntie, he is old ho but not old dick!

You're right, he is old dick!

He isn't old ho!

He's got a dick!

That we didn't know which is big or small.

He isn't old dick, he's got it!

Things look fine.

Perhaps you've been

under too much straws lately...

Too much straws...

Now please go make arrangements

to have your blur, urine and stool specimen checked...

Blur... what the...

Blur...

Not only did he want my blood and bird

bird...

Fuck!

What technique is this one?

You want to know?

It's called the ball breaker!